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Yeah, I could use an internet hug or something.

 

Last night I had a dream of a certain someone. A person that I've been trying to forget about for years now, but she (at least in my head) just won't leave me alone. She used to be the best friend I've ever had. She got me into drawing, got me into trying my hand at writing -- for years, we were pretty much inseparable. We promised to each other that we'd never abandon one another no matter what happened. Flash forward a few years, I move out of town to my mother's place, and... my friend does exactly what she promised she wouldn't do. Dropped all contact, hardly bothered to call me or text me or anything at all, saw her maybe once when I went back to my old home town to visit some friends. Last year during my birthday she sent me a text and promised to call me the next day, and she never did. After that, total radio silence.

I kept going with my life, hoping and wishing that she'd contact me again someday, I really missed her and wanted her back in my life... but then, almost a whole year later, I decided I've had enough. Yeah, yeah, I know that friends come and go and all that stuff, I shouldn't be too upset about it. But, this friend of mine was my whole life back then. The ONLY friend I had for years, the one who basically made me who I am now. And now... she basically abandoned me. I felt upset about it for some time, but that's not the point of this post.

 

I keep having dreams of her every now and then, where she'd try to be friendly with me again, try to approach me and be like nothing had ever happened, but in my dreams I always cuss her out and sometimes even attack her, and she leaves in tears. And that dream I had last night was no different, there she even said she wanted to be friends with me again, but I told her to **** off and drove her out of my house. And when she didn't want to leave, getting all tearful again, I literally kicked her out. Kicked and beat her until she left.

I guess I should be disturbed by how violent my dream-self is. Whatever. I'm upset because she (in my head) won't leave me the **** alone! I just want her out of my life for good and stop having reoccurring dreams of her where the same things happen over and over again.

 

Look, I even thought about cutting myself because I was so **** angry and couldn't think of any other ways to let it out. I'm a stupid person who just can't stop doing stupid things when I get stupidly mad.

 

...whatever.

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@Sazandora , I totally understand how you feel. I had this one friend who I befriended when we were both 5, and we were practically inseparable until we were 16. We had a group of friends, but I always felt like she was the closest friend I had, and I believe she felt the same. Well, the year when we turned 16 she got a boyfriend from across the world (who I introduced to her), and she became really really distant. She would skip school because she overslept after spending the whole night talking to him, and he would be quite possessive of her, telling her what to wear and who to interact with. Me and the other friends in our group started to get really worried about her, about her school (she was failing a lot of classes because she was never there) and her relationship with the guy. We tried talking to her, but she just blocked us all out and refused to talk. We even contacted her mother, who told us she was also concerned and thanked us for caring about her daughter so much. Eventually, she dropped out of school, cut all communications to us completely and finally messaged me on Facebook, asking me to remove every picture I had of her visible on my page. At this point I felt incredibly hurt and told her "I wish I could delete you from my life the same way I'm deleting these pictures".

 

At that point (it was about 6-9 months after the whole situation began) I was a mess. She was my best friend in the world, and suddenly she was gone. I was so mad at her, at her boyfriend, at myself for ever introducing them and I just wanted her to apologize and come back. I cried a lot, we talked about it a lot with the friend group, and I remember once when I was watching Glee with my mom, it was the Adele episode and it had the "Someone like you/Rumor has it" mashup in it and I just lost it. I had performed Someone like you with this friend at a gala two years back (she sang, I played the piano) and the lyrics and everything was just too much and I remember sobbing for at least an hour in my mom's lap about how much I missed her. It was a tough time for me.

 

Flash forward to now, 6 years after this all, and I find myself still crying when writing this. We are actually friends again, not nearly as tight as before, partly because we are living 400 km apart, but still, we are in contact. About 4 years ago she suddenly texted me, apologized for everything and so did I, but we never got as close again. When I've spent time with her, it's like nothing ever happened, but we are so far apart we don't get to do that often. All in all, in my opinion friend breakups are as hard and sometimes even harder than breakups in romantic relationships. She was my best friend for 10 years and I honestly believed that she would be that forever. But also, as cliché as it sounds, you will find new friends and your wounds will heal. It will never be quite the same, but you will learn and grow from this experience. All the best and my tightest, warmest hugs to you.

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I do for this holiday season especially. I lost my mom on May 7, 2017 and, aside from the last two and one half months she spent in rehab before you she passed, I'd been her caregiver for fourteen years while working full time. The work (on both ends) took up all my time and had taken a toll on me physically and mentally so I was forced into early retirement. Hearing from others in the care giving role or any who have lost a close family member in the recent past would be wonderful to know how other people dealt with it and got past it. Thank you all kindly.

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holy mudkip @Misha i'm so sorry to hear that. I understand only slightly how you feel (losing my safety dog -for my mental illness in my own hands- :/) *virtual hugs Misha*. please, stay safe.

 

 

And as a remineder to all who visit this topic, please take care, and if you are not coping with your current situation please, talk to someone (a friend, this topic, suicide hotline (if need be), even a pet). *hugs everyone*.

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rant

My issue is minor compared to most here, I am seeing help (professional) since it is causing a huge problem. I am on a week's stress leave because I am snapping and cracking with an intensity unlike I have had before. I am fed up with people I work with at having other standards where they can do virtually what they want, whereas I can't. I think its because I tend to care too much, so I am honestly trying to not care much at all. At this point I am sitting at saying get stuffed and burn.

 

I work in a restaurant -  high stress environment, even higher when you have co-workers that pick and choose what they want to do on the prep list, leaving it so that an already overwhelmed person on Saturday lunch rush, will run out of product, all the while having to try to make more and make food in a timely manner. Unfortunately my poor coworker (the one who is not goofing off) gets the brunt of my absence today.

 

To explain what might have set me off, I will describe yesterday... I have not slept in over 24 hours,.

 

I come in for my shift, its an unusual one where I am starting at noon and I am doing an over -  over lunch over dinner. My shift spans the opener and the closer and allows them an extra hand on deck during the rush period - this allows the opener to finish their prep list (rather than leave stuff off) And the closer to do closing stuff. Most stations are doubling up in this manner.

 

So I walk in and I smile cheerily and greet the opener and say I'm doing an over with you today. Then she flips. "What am I doing to do with three people in pantry!" she has her "work husband" as she termed it, in pantry doing his work so she can natter and flirt. I suppose I would get in the way with that. so I grab my coffee and enter the station, she starts to freak out again, and throws things around angrily, so I leave. I say to the Kitchen Manager and state, if she doesn't want me, I'll just go home then. SO he sends me to prep. He does not deal with her rage, but shunts me elsewhere. I'm okay with this, but I am needled.  Its bugging me more than I realise. I check the station before I am to switch to it for my evening over  (I virtually had to beg for a break) And I notice that she has knocked off the prep list the most tedious tasks. She doesn't want to do them and she seems to get away with it. I bring it up to the KM and he's like You can do it during dinner. Yes, Yes I can... but that's not the point its the principal. She's done this with these particular items before Multiple times on Fridays because she doesn't want to do them - and gets away with it. IF I try to do the same, you can bet your aft I will be made to do it.

 

On top of this, there are days I am picking up her slack and then I am doing the afternoon shift and I am made to pick up the slack of the guys in dish pit (because sadly I proved myself very fast there) and I am not getting out until quite late... why being late is a problem, is because my mother is fairly disabled and she waits for me to come home so I can help her up the stairs to bed. She is getting knee replacement surgery  next month (or feb).

 

I guess my problem is I tend to care too much about my job and others don't care enough and my care is being abused and taken advantage of. I am very close to walking out. I have sick leave because of the stress, I plan to look for alternative employment during this time and a few other things, as recommended by the dr. The last time I felt this, was the last time she did something like this, only that her rage at my presence for doing the over really really really hurt. She's lucky I have enough reserve not to place my fist in her face.  /rant

Edited by Starscream

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@Starscream I hope a better employment drops into your lap soon so you can get rid of that old one!

 

 

So a couple of months ago my mother got diagnosed with something called multiple myeloma, and I'm so dang afraid I'm going to ... I cannot even write it, like, as long as I don't say it it won't become true? My brain's a mess but somehow I'm now expected to be the strong one in the household - yeah, sure. I'm just not functioning well at all, how do I flip a switch that suddenly makes me reliable? Not going to work ...

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*sends vibes and hugs to @Starscream and @Ruby Eyes*

 

It seems like my anxiety is back with a vengeance and I'm not at all sure how to deal with that. It's possible it's just these two specific events that caused it, and I'll be back to normal in the next few days, but... With past experiences I know that sometimes the first few instances can just snowball into something much harder to control. Yesterday I had my regular, weekly peer support appointment scheduled for 1pm... 1pm came and went, no call, no show, couldn't get ahold of her at all. That's not totally unheard of, sometimes she has a client emergency and doesn't have time to contact me right away... I called my case manager to see if she knew what was going on, and was informed that my peer support no longer works with the company. ..... Um WHAT? (This is the point where I started using all-caps when telling my friends, but I'll try to refrain here!) Apparently she was let go Thursday afternoon, and she must not have known anything about it beforehand because I talked to her Thursday morning and all was fine. My case manager tried to explain that it was sudden, and no one knew ahead of time, etc etc, but honestly that's just not a good excuse. I don't know who decided this, or who might take over for her, or anything, but *someone* should have made it a priority to contact the people she had appointments with the very next day! I think it is just so completely unprofessional, I sat here for a good half an hour waiting for her with no clue that she didn't even work there anymore!

 

This is, unfortunately, not the first time this exact thing has happened to me with this company, someone on my "team" leaving and me not being notified. This is also the same company where I was supposed to start going to a weekly group a few weeks ago, and I went (very nervous because not good with unknown situations!), and no one ever showed up to lead the group! There was a group of us just sitting there waiting and no one came. And I'd like to point out that this company deals exclusively in the mental health field, so they have many clients who really don't cope well with sudden or unexpected change... I'm not the only one. I'd expect they'd be a little more on top of things when dealing with people they know are mentally fragile!

 

*sigh* Anyways. That was the first anxiety attack. Then today at the grocery store the cashier rung up my purchase wrong (tried to charge me *double* what it should've been!) and got this attitude when I tried to explain that stuff was on sale, and it was this whole big thing and I'm really really really not good with confrontation or complaining and it just freaked me out. Both times I ended up crying for a good 15-20 minutes, having to take an anxiety pill and listen to music to calm down. I've been doing soooo good with my anxiety and depression these last few months, haven't taken more then 10 anxiety pills since July, haven't had an attack at work since then either... I'm just scared it's all coming back.

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I am supposed to take this welburtain (or however its spelled) but it scares the living slag out of me. I don't like taking medications for stuff like this. So I am not sure what to do now...

 

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my issue certainly isn't as big of a problem, at least to me.  I'm pretty sure I'm actually a sadomasochist, which kinda explains my interest in murders, deaths, and all around pain.  However, I always pick my skin, which is causing my mom a lot of distress since she says that I shouldn't have a bunch of scars for no reason.  She's threatening to take me to see a psychologist, if I keep picking my skin, and while I really want to, I can't trust someone who's taking my money to tell me that I need to change my mindset or something.  I'm too nervous to admit to her that I'm a sadomasochist (or any of my strange desires, for that matter) since I told her I no longer knew what gender I was and she reacted by saying that I am a certain gender and that's how it will always be.  When I explained the difference between biological sex and gender, she said that I have a problem and that society doesn't accept freaks and to just go with the norm.  Which is why I've been hiding my fetishes and such since I realized I had them as I know she will never accept them.  I've pretty much just pretended to be completely against it or anything like it.  However, my masochistic tendencies keep surfacing from me picking my own skin constantly.  The slight pain just makes me feel good, like really good.  How should I stop doing this (or anything else like it, for that matter)?  I have nobody I trust enough to confide in because I'm convinced that everyone is a liar because that's pretty much all I do to them.  I really don't want to pick, but I can't stop, it's such a good feeling.

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@Starscream Is it Wellbutrin? That's what I take. Long ago I used to be totally against taking meds for that sort of thing too, a lot of people have worries and concerns about how the medication might affect them. But sometimes it's the best way to take control of your life/emotions/etc. Wellbutrin has worked very well for me, it's part of the reason I'm more stable with my bipolar this year then I have been the last 5+ years. Of course it may not be the right med for you, but if you give it a chance it might really help.

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21 hours ago, Starscream said:

I am supposed to take this welburtain (or however its spelled) but it scares the living slag out of me. I don't like taking medications for stuff like this. So I am not sure what to do now...

 

I'm on this medication as well. It scared the living crap out of me at first, but it's not as hard to adjust to as you might think. Not everything works the same for everyone, but give it (and yourself) a fair chance.

 

The best advice I can give is to find someone to talk it out with as you go through this process, or simply write down your feelings the let them out. It's a difficult thing to start a medication like this, but hopefully it will be for the best. Best of luck to you:D

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I think I will be requesting the stuff I had been on before. I know what it does and how I react to it... it works, I switched it up for BCP - which helped with much of my issues - except I had been told to stop the BCP due to being a risk for stroke. I have had rough side effects with medication before.

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O boy

I never thought I'd ever be needing this thread, but... Hey, shows ya what I know.

So this morning, my pet guinea pig, Tao, passed away. He was only a guinea pig, and we only had him for 10 months, so I guess the loss could have been worse. It was just awful, these past few days, seeing him start to eat less and lose weight. I guess all of us were just denying that he was sick, and that doomed him. It might've been depression, because we introduced a new guinea pig a couple of weeks ago, and he may have been jealous. Whatever it was, we just kept doing stupid stuff, like rubbing his stomach to try to help pass any blockage. What we should have done was taken him to the vet, but we were too scared that this might be actually happening. Our denial killed him.

We got him from another person who didn't want him, so we never knew how old he was. Maybe it was age, maybe it was something else. He was the best, calmest, most docile cavy anyone could ask for. Last night, I went to bed with a feeling of doom and I dreamt of death. This morning, I found him splayed on the floor of his cage, cold and not moving. I didn't turn him over to make sure he was dead, because I know that would make him truly dead inside of me. My sister cried. She's older, and I never see her cry. She loved that guinea pig. She's also been suffering with suicidal thoughts, though they've gotten better, and this, I deeply hope, is not going to  be the last nail in the coffin.

I used to look on this thread with a feeling of god-awful superiority. I felt that the pain should be palpable. I see now how cruel I was, and I'm sorry. I had to perform in two concerts today, and all the while, I just kept thinking about how the stupid, loving little guinea would never wheek for my attention again. 

It's good to just tell. I don't need support, per se, but I did need to release this torrent.

 

RIP Tao: ?-Dec. 7th, 2017

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On 12/7/2017 at 8:15 PM, ArcticFang said:

O boy

I never thought I'd ever be needing this thread, but... Hey, shows ya what I know.

So this morning, my pet guinea pig, Tao, passed away. He was only a guinea pig, and we only had him for 10 months, so I guess the loss could have been worse. It was just awful, these past few days, seeing him start to eat less and lose weight. I guess all of us were just denying that he was sick, and that doomed him. It might've been depression, because we introduced a new guinea pig a couple of weeks ago, and he may have been jealous. Whatever it was, we just kept doing stupid stuff, like rubbing his stomach to try to help pass any blockage. What we should have done was taken him to the vet, but we were too scared that this might be actually happening. Our denial killed him.

We got him from another person who didn't want him, so we never knew how old he was. Maybe it was age, maybe it was something else. He was the best, calmest, most docile cavy anyone could ask for. Last night, I went to bed with a feeling of doom and I dreamt of death. This morning, I found him splayed on the floor of his cage, cold and not moving. I didn't turn him over to make sure he was dead, because I know that would make him truly dead inside of me. My sister cried. She's older, and I never see her cry. She loved that guinea pig. She's also been suffering with suicidal thoughts, though they've gotten better, and this, I deeply hope, is not going to  be the last nail in the coffin.

I used to look on this thread with a feeling of god-awful superiority. I felt that the pain should be palpable. I see now how cruel I was, and I'm sorry. I had to perform in two concerts today, and all the while, I just kept thinking about how the stupid, loving little guinea would never wheek for my attention again. 

It's good to just tell. I don't need support, per se, but I did need to release this torrent.

 

RIP Tao: ?-Dec. 7th, 2017

Sorry for your loss.  I used to have a guniea pig and he passed after being with us for three years.  I'm pretty sure it was due to somewhat inadequae care since my mom insisted that I reduce handling to a minimum and we also got him groomed once every few month.  Also, he was kept alone in the basement and had minimal contact with us.  And I got allergic to the hay, the bedding, and the hair after a year, so I kinda stopped going downstairs.  We never took him to the vet or even outside of his cage (except to clean it and to take him to get groomed).  His toenails grew so long at one point, they ended up digging into his feet and they became inflamed and red.  Our downstairs heater ended up emitting CO in the middle of winter, which we only realized after me and my mom smelled something strange and my mom said it was natural gas and we called the gas company to come check.  The person who came ended up finding very high readings (like, you might die tonight if you never thought of investigating further) of CO in our bathrooms and he determined that it was the downstairs heater, so we had to turn it off.  Of course, that was the week when it was -20 Celsius outside ALL week and I got pneumonia.  A few weeks later, we went on Christmas holiday and accidentally shut off the heat in the house entirely.  When we came back, my guinea pig was lethargic and didn't respond to us.  At first we thought he was on some sort of partial hibernation since it was cold, but later in the night, he still didn't move and my parents took him to an emergency vet.  They chose to euthanize him since the vet said he probably wasn't going to recover, but he passed away before they had even walked him to the room to be euthanized.  

Personally, I feel like you're probably a much better cavy companion than I was, I'm more into reptiles and invertebrates, which don't require companionship, but are fascinating to watch.  Its entirely possible that the other guinea pig was incompatible with him and was bullying him without your knowledge.  Or it could have been an undetermined cause like how it was with my guinea pig.  Regardless, I really hope that both you and your sister are ok and are coping well.  The loss of any pet is heartbreaking, regardless of how long you had it for.  I keep insects over the summer and I feel emotional attachment to them, regardless of whether I've had them for a month or a day.  Its ok if you need any support, don't be afraid to ask us.  You don't need to feel ashamed or inferior, we're all human and we all sometimes just need a little support, whether it be a place to express our thoughts or just an internet hug.  Just know that the door is always open and that many of us are willing to do what we can to help. alot of internet hugs of support

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I know ny problems are nothing conpared to the things everyone else here is going through, but I have nowhere else to turn. I just need to vent. I'm not even expecting a response, as great as you guys are.

 

Last night my family drove around to look at christmas lights. I ended up driving because no one else wanted to. I had no idea where we were or really how to work the car, so I was making a lot of mistakes. My dad kept commenting on how I don't know how to do anything right and I never try. Then my mom started singing christmas songs at the top of her lungs and trying to start conversations while my dad was giving me directions, so I missed a few turns and that made him mad. It was a huge distraction, but she ignored me when I asked her to stop. I asked her again and she threw a cup and a package of m&ms at me, told me I ruined everything by never letting anyone have fun, and called me a stuck up *****. I didn't even say anything. I have severe anxiety and I don't respond well to people yelling at me, so I tried to just let her calm down on her own, but that made her even more mad. She started mocking me and cussing and I started to tear up. It's embarrassing but it happens anytime someone raises their voice or shows disappointment towards me. I couldn't see very well and made even more mistakes. So my dad started yelling too. He eventually made me pull over and decided to walk home, so iwas stuck with my mom and my brother all night. I slept in the bathtub. She kept screaming downstairs about how no one cared about her and she deserved better while she ripped up her birthday cards. She narrated all of it. Every time she came upstairs she kept making comments on how I "got what I wanted". And now this morning she left with my brother and said "screw them," so I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. She did this when I was little too. I'm too nervous to talk to my dad because he'll probably blame her leaving on me. I would rather think that he might not be mad at me than find out that he thinks I'm a burden too, because there's no one else around. I can't ask my boyfriend either because he's been silent since Tuesday, which makes me worried. I don't know if he's in the hospital again or just got tired of dealing with me. And my friends don't understand. I've never told them that my parents are like this, because they have their own problems and I don't want to add to that.

 

I can't wait to graduate in a few months and get out of this house. I don't even know what I did wrong. I just wanted to make everyone happy.

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@Shadowgirl123 Somehow I get the feeling that your dad should actually say all those things to your mom ...

*hugs* Good luck with your graduation, and with your own life afterwards!

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@Shadowgirl123, you didn't do anything wrong, not wanting to be distracted while driving is totally reasonable and your mom's response to your request was really over dramatic and childish, imo. Really, she sounds unstable and exhausting to live with. Reminds me too much of my own mother. You'll feel better when you leave home, believe me, and remember that her behavior is NOT normal (and completely unacceptable coming from a grown adult) and it is not your fault. You didn't cause, or make her act like that - no one is responsible for her behavior but her. No matter what she or your dad may say or imply, you are not the problem here.

 

I know it's easier said than done, but stay strong. :)

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Shadowgirl123

 

No one's problems should be compared to others. No man, woman, or otherwise is created equal. 'Hence this survival of the fittest world. What is like a carefree stroll in a park for some is like walking to one's execution to others.  I can totally get your fragility when it comes to not being able to handle raised voices and disappointment from others. I totally understand wanting to break down crying, if not actually doing such. You are fine. Nature or nurture, from an outsider's stand point your reactions and feelings are completely validated and not surprising. 

 

It is just a shame you have no one in your immediate life to talk to, but it is good that you are getting it out. Keep doing everything you can to get it out. Like Ruby Eyes noted, I hope you find a more stable life once you graduate and get away from such toxic parents.

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Today I slipped while walking down an icy slope and may have broken something in my elbow... the doctor wasn't entirely sure, she didn't see anything in the x-ray pictures, but we'll have to wait and see what the radiologist has to say. But in any case, I basically have to pretend I'm one-armed for at least two weeks, maybe longer if I indeed broke something in my elbow.

 

So remember folks -- when there's lots of ice and snow on the road, walk carefully!

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3 hours ago, Sazandora said:

Today I slipped while walking down an icy slope and may have broken something in my elbow... the doctor wasn't entirely sure, she didn't see anything in the x-ray pictures, but we'll have to wait and see what the radiologist has to say. But in any case, I basically have to pretend I'm one-armed for at least two weeks, maybe longer if I indeed broke something in my elbow.

 

So remember folks -- when there's lots of ice and snow on the road, walk carefully!

Ouch. That almost happened to me this Sunday. Hopefully it's nothing too serious and you can get back into your normal routine soon.

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It's me again. I've been here before, but has it really been since October that I posted? Whatever, here's a link to what I said before, since it appears my old one got buried.

 

Some things have changed. My mother has told me I will, in fact, be able to attend school in September, but it doesn't really feel satisfying to hear that given my misgivings and current unhappiness with my situation.

 

My parents still work a lot, with my father being out of town just as much before as now. The college strike has ensured my brother can barely come home at all, and my sister is head-over-heels for her boyfriend to the extent that when she's not at school or work, she is usually FaceTiming him or at his house. (This actually suits me fine, since I still don't get along with her very well)

 

My mother has also promised me that she would book a counseling session with someone I could see in person, but she is so busy I am worried it won't happen (last month, I asked her to book one after it was too late to figure out a good day with her busy schedule, so I feel my insistence is at least partly justified here).

 

I still don't have any reasons to leave the house, nor any solutions to my problems, or even an ability to talk to my parents about this.

 

I wish I knew what to do. Thanks again.

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^ I'm but a useless human, but... *Hugs* While this falls under practice what you preach, I do believe you should be insistent about the counseling. Whether partly justified or not, the mere fact that you need someone to talk to and lack the support system is good reason enough. Keep being insistent.

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Unfortunately, my mother and father think I'm being difficult and just won't listen to the truth in front of me, so I have a very strong feeling they won't be paying for counseling if they think I won't listen anyways.

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*Shakes head* I'm helpless here, but even if they are failing you in that department, you can still do everything in your power to get it out. If that means writing it down in a journal, on this forum, writing a strange story, singing your head off to a song that seems to express your feelings, drawing, painting... even looking up media that sounds similar to what you are going through be it a book, movie, television show can help if used to get the feelings out and serve as a sort of reminder that you are not alone. 

 

If you do get into schooling again, perhaps you can even search for help there if there is a counselor or a teacher you come to feel secure enough with.  

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