Emotional Support

[Moonwick]

Ive spent the past few years fighting emotional issues as a result of having lost control of my bipolar. Despite doing everything i should be (therapy, docs, medications, reaching out, doing journals and lots and lots of self help) im still failing to repair bridges I had burned by being too moody, too needy... too me.

 

Now, I have a well established list of patterns that I recognize myself falling into that im trying to break, but im tired of doing it on my own. People only want to be around me for the positive results, and dont want to lift a finger to help me get there. Im really tired of feeling like the world is mad at me, and that nothing I do will ever get me back to ok. Its been a hard journey, and Ive had to re-analyze who I am.. every trait about me, every single thing i do. I've given up all of my hobbies, all of the things I enjoy, in the efforts of trying to focus on carving out who I want to be. I feel like im doing nothing more than wasting my time trying to be better, when hardly anyone is even acknowledging what I have been through, and how alone i've been through it all.

 

I feel like i should be proud of how far I've come, I feel like the old me again.. but it doesnt seem worth it when I've lost just about every friendship, hobby and relationship I cared about. I honestly don't know what else to do.

I wish I knew how to comfort you, hopefully my empathy is something that will. I know how you feel and you're not alone, though BPD is far different from bipolar, I can't help but understand what you mean and a bit of what you're feeling right now.

 

You're pretty strong going through this, and it really sucks how people act towards you. They should be helping, not sitting there and only wanting positive results, you're definitely right about that. It shows how much they don't actually get it.

 

The world isn't mad at you, this is not your fault, but it might be hard to hear that and actually accept it, and that too is understandable. You've been through a lot and I'm so sorry about that.

 

I'm not you though, so I feel I shouldn't go further with this, there are obviously many details I don't know about. I just hope you know that you're not alone. Let there be a day where you feel full again, even if for a little while. You deserve better.

Edited June 18, 2016 by Silverwinter

[Starscream]

Can this day get any worse?

 

 

Seemed all nice and snuggly to start. felt like a good day this morning.

 

Then the coffee maker broke down. Not a problem Voila! I have a spare.

 

I am water changing my mum's sick fish, and drop her tank on my desk spilling her and water everywhere. on my keyboard I get her back into water and get it treated again - I don't expect her to survive unfortunately she has a mystery bloat that so far is not responding to treatment.

 

My monitor develops a huge dark spot, its gone-ish, but there is a bright washed out area at the bottom of my screen. and dead pixels everywhere in that area.

 

So we decide we; get new one, by using points to get a giftcard to a different store. But we can't use it. Not for at least 24 hours :/

 

So we go home. I am annoyed.

 

We decide to look at Ikea for a wall mount for the monitor 30 dollars and its across the road. We go and its all sold out.

 

So I am trying to print something up so I have something to do and the printer jams, at the same time my reef tank's auto top off alarm goes off. I mean exact same time. I am furious at htis point and I throw the floor lamp across the room.

 

So I decide i am gonna feed my frog. Tadums has joined the allspark.

 

I released his crickets and had to dispose of him, sadly not the way I want to dispose of him.

 

I hope, I win that lottery, I did buy a ticket today. I am tired of being struck by lightning so to speak.

[KageSora]

I really just... I don't think my family really understands how terrible my mental and emotional health is.

 

My mom pulls crap like "everybody has down times! You always say your medication needs to be higher!"

 

I'm like... Yeah, sure, everybody has down periods. But it's not normal to spend days at a time barely able to force yourself to eat, wanting to just not exist because the simple act of being alive takes more energy than you have--not that you want to die, you just want to not be.

 

Even with a therapist, I just... I don't have support from where I need it most. I can't talk to my family about anything, because they just don't understand--and they don't want to.

 

My mom is always insisting that it's entirely my fault and that I just need to sleep at a reasonable hour, nevermind that my mental issues are what keep me from being able to sleep in the first place, not the other way around.

 

It's getting bad--I'm starting to see why people turn to substance abuse, because I just feel more and more like there's no goddamn point anymore because I can't possibly see a way to make the future I want real.

 

I'm at a dead-end job in a company that's changing for the worst, I don't know how I'll ever be able to have enough money and stability to live where I want--especially since there's a very good chance it would mean losing my family because they're not exactly the most open-minded people.

 

I'm an adult, but I'm so lost on how to handle myself and more and more I'm starting to think this was because of my family. I'm not neurotypical, so a I need more help to learn things, but my parents have never tried to help my brother or myself learn things needed to function independently as adults. I don't know if this was something they just didn't bother with, or if somehow it was intentional--maybe they just assume neither of us will ever be able to live on our own so there's no point in it?

 

Or maybe I'm just paranoid. I question so many things lately, including reality--the other night I know I checked myself for my wallet, I have distinct and clear memories of going through my pat-down routine after work to make sure I had everything.

 

Turns out I imagined it because my wallet was undisturbed where I put it hours before I left. It's also harder and harder to tell what's real because I've been dreaming more, and they're dreams that don't seem dream-like so I can't always tell if something actually happened or if I dreamed it.

 

It's... Stressful, and half of it's probably just brought on by stress...

 

I just... Don't even see the point anymore. The point in anything, for anyone, ever. Even the things that for sure will come to pass don't give me reason to care anymore, and the future I crave becomes harder to reach for every day...

 

I feel lost and hopeless and like there's no way for me to make it better...

 

 

Logically, I know that this isn't rational, that it's my mental illness, but I can't get the goddamn help I need because I can't afford it on my own and my ing family doesn't understand how serious it is because I can't talk to them since they shut me down every time I try

[HeatherMarie]

*sends lots and lots of hugs to KageSora* After all these years (diagnosed when I was 13, now 29) my mom still does the whole "just snap out of it! go to bed earlier! eat something, that will make you feel better!" thing. Thankfully I am getting professional help. Hopefully someday that will be an option for you. I have no real advice because none of the advice I've been given really works, just... Keep going. Sometimes it feels hopeless, I know, but you can get through it. One step at a time.

 

I'm really, really frustrated about work. Or, non-working. Or both. I have such severe anxiety attacks that I end up calling in to work, and then I feel guilty and depressed the rest of the day. If I do go to work, the entire time I'm in this constant state of anxiety, so tense and emotional and can't concentrate and feeling like I'm trapped there and crying a lot of the time and ugh. I don't know what to do. It's gotten to the point where, even if I'm semi-stable in the morning, I call in anyways because I don't want to *feel* that way while there. My depression and anxiety have already forced me to cut my hours down to 2 days a week, 3 hours a day... and now I'm usually going 1 day a week. I should be worried about money but I'm not, not really. I'm just worried about getting in trouble at work. But I just... *can't* *do* *this*.

[Starscream]

My mum's fish's bloat is moving into dropsy. I believe I will have to euthanize her. I never had success with dropsy, I had 10 betta get it after feeding them blackworms (never again will I get black worms). And each one failed. One almost pulled through but even he rapidly relapsed and died.

 

Not a happy camper, this has been a week of hell.

[DuskOfTheStars]

Guh... I am not happy with myself. I sat on and broke one of my cochlear implant batteries...

 

@Starscream Hopefully next week will be at least a bit better.

 

@KageSora Can't fully relate to you, but I can say that no one understands how much it hurts me to fail. It's like I'm dead inside... until I fail. Then I have suicidal episodes of sadness or violent explosions of wrath... and when it ends, I can't forget I've failed... it just festers and hurts, even when I don't feel it. The best/worst part is that my emotional releases get so strong I get in trouble... which just makes it worse. Because it hurts to fail and to be disapproved of... by anyone. Urk... I was rambling... I'm sorry.

 

@Everyone I hope your situations get better.

Edited June 23, 2016 by Dusky_Flareon

[KageSora]

*sends lots and lots of hugs to KageSora* After all these years (diagnosed when I was 13, now 29) my mom still does the whole "just snap out of it! go to bed earlier! eat something, that will make you feel better!" thing. Thankfully I am getting professional help. Hopefully someday that will be an option for you. I have no real advice because none of the advice I've been given really works, just... Keep going. Sometimes it feels hopeless, I know, but you can get through it. One step at a time.

Heh. Kinda in the same boat, I think it was around 14-15 I was diagnosed and I'll be 28 this fall. I'm bringing it up with my therapist, I just... Wish my family could understand that it's not that I WANT to go right to "my medication isn't working" it's that that's really the only way I can pull out of it, because I sure as heck can't do it on my own.

 

 

I'm really, really frustrated about work. Or, non-working. Or both. I have such severe anxiety attacks that I end up calling in to work, and then I feel guilty and depressed the rest of the day. If I do go to work, the entire time I'm in this constant state of anxiety, so tense and emotional and can't concentrate and feeling like I'm trapped there and crying a lot of the time and ugh. I don't know what to do. It's gotten to the point where, even if I'm semi-stable in the morning, I call in anyways because I don't want to *feel* that way while there. My depression and anxiety have already forced me to cut my hours down to 2 days a week, 3 hours a day... and now I'm usually going 1 day a week. I should be worried about money but I'm not, not really. I'm just worried about getting in trouble at work. But I just... *can't* *do* *this*.

 

*hugs* Urgh, that's a seriously terrible problem. Mine's not quite that bad, so I can't say I know exactly what you're going through, but I know how it sucks to feel bad then guilty about calling off because of it. It's such a nasty cycle, I wish I had advice for breaking it off.

[Paintra]

I received a rude anonymous message making assumptions about me earlier today, and it's sent me spiraling into a state worse than I already have been in, being sick for the past few weeks.

 

I just need a hug, I think. This summer has been emotionally overwhelming so far, and I don't think it's going to get any better.

 

*sigh* It just hasn't been a great day.

[NoraNora]

Edited to fit what's allowed...

 

Fine dad. I'm at my point. You haven't fixed the computer (which I know the issue and he's still trying to figure it out) so I can't ease myself with a game that's a stress relief(and was a legitimate reliever for veterans), which is now making my add act up so it's getting harder to sit still, even if I'm doodling.

 

And yes, my drawings are pure , and I've never really noticed major or minor improvements. So if staying up past midnight or drawing until my hand hurts is what it takes, FINE BY ME.

 

None of my friends are talking anymore since summer began, and I have their kiks. They read what I send and never respond. It's typical to be ignored at this point.

 

Please see the first post. We are not able to give you medical advice or help here. Please seek help from a professional.

Edited June 24, 2016 by NoraNora

[Starscream]

@Starscream Hopefully next week will be at least a bit better.

 

I can hope, but I think I am having more of the same topped with a possible food poisoning case at this moment. I am so, so, so very thirsty right now.

 

edit: I am positive its food poisoning, if I am still unable to digest fluids by noon, I probably will go to the hospital.

 

Edited June 24, 2016 by Starscream

[Moonwick]

Being away from my girlfriend 90% of the time instead of getting to experience living with her is really making me depressed. It's a work in progress but that doesn't mean I can just accept it.

The government has taken 2 YEARS to approve the work visa we had set up for her when they claimed it'd only take a month! Now, we're thinking of just scrapping it all together.

That just means we have to come up with another way to get her over here and I can't handle the possibility of waiting 2 more years without being able to see her again.

 

And plus I'm so tired of repeating myself quite honestly. "No, we didn't hear anything about the visa, sorry." "Nope, no new information sorry." "Haven't heard anything, sorry." Ugh. UGH.

 

We could get married for the sake of her living here since we don't really want a wedding.

I mean, the idea of getting married so we can finally be together in real life is enough of a "romantic" thing anyway.

 

I just can't seem to sit down with her and talk about it, there is never an appropriate time to do it.

Not that getting married would matter too much because you still have to wait a long time for them to approve it!! Probably just as long!! No problem though!! Not like someone I care about is in a completely different country and there's nothing in my own power I can do about it!!

 

Everything feels so hopeless, I have no open space to vent about this when I need to and I don't want to fill up these forums with my repetitive sadness rampages.

 

I feel like I want to fade away and stop existing for at least a little while or something.

[georgexu94]

Being away from my girlfriend 90% of the time instead of getting to experience living with her is really making me depressed. It's a work in progress but that doesn't mean I can just accept it.

The government has taken 2 YEARS to approve the work visa we had set up for her when they claimed it'd only take a month! Now, we're thinking of just scrapping it all together.

That just means we have to come up with another way to get her over here and I can't handle the possibility of waiting 2 more years without being able to see her again.

 

And plus I'm so tired of repeating myself quite honestly. "No, we didn't hear anything about the visa, sorry." "Nope, no new information sorry." "Haven't heard anything, sorry." Ugh. UGH.

 

We could get married for the sake of her living here since we don't really want a wedding.

I mean, the idea of getting married so we can finally be together in real life is enough of a "romantic" thing anyway.

 

I just can't seem to sit down with her and talk about it, there is never an appropriate time to do it.

Not that getting married would matter too much because you still have to wait a long time for them to approve it!! Probably just as long!! No problem though!! Not like someone I care about is in a completely different country and there's nothing in my own power I can do about it!!

 

Everything feels so hopeless, I have no open space to vent about this when I need to and I don't want to fill up these forums with my repetitive sadness rampages.

 

I feel like I want to fade away and stop existing for at least a little while or something.

If she cannot come over, then is it possible for you to go to her? I am aware this may not be a better option as you want to go there to your country in the first place. However, it might be possible to adjust?

[Moonwick]

If she cannot come over, then is it possible for you to go to her? I am aware this may not be a better option as you want to go there to your country in the first place. However, it might be possible to adjust?

The wait will probably take the same amount of time for anything permanent to be approved, unfortunately.

 

Apparently, I can stay a maximum of 90 days in the country without being a citizen, as well as her if she came here. Then, after 90 days are up, I am not allowed to visit the country for another 6 months.

 

I also can't spend thousands of dollars to keep visiting her, and she can't either. It's really quite a mess at the moment and very frustrating.

[georgexu94]

>_<" Alright. I apologise for that. I thougt you and she are same citizens and you change your citizenship. Happens to the Philippines a lot of times. Where one goes to US whereas one waits for the proper documents to be able to go and join the other.

 

Hmm... I suppose marriage would make them citizen of your country.

[Moonwick]

>_<" Alright. I apologise for that. I thougt you and she are same citizens and you change your citizenship. Happens to the Philippines a lot of times. Where one goes to US whereas one waits for the proper documents to be able to go and join the other.

 

Hmm... I suppose marriage would make them citizen of your country.

Oh it's okay, sorry, I didn't mean to sound so defensive!

 

I think marriage will be the right thing to do at this point, but it's unfortunate that it will still take a long time. I don't know if marriage officially makes someone a citizen, but it allows them to stay longer than 90 days for sure

 

Ah well. Thanks for trying to help I appreciate it, knowing someone acknowledges my struggle makes me feel a bit better ^^ I'm hoping things will get better eventually

[Starscream]

The wait will probably take the same amount of time for anything permanent to be approved, unfortunately.

 

Apparently, I can stay a maximum of 90 days in the country without being a citizen, as well as her if she came here. Then, after 90 days are up, I am not allowed to visit the country for another 6 months.

 

I also can't spend thousands of dollars to keep visiting her, and she can't either. It's really quite a mess at the moment and very frustrating. 

What country are you in?

 

I am in canada - this is what happened here:

 

Marriage for the sake of marrying could be a bad thing. I wanted to keep a man around and having to renew his visa was a real pain with no reason. We got married. and if I recall, it was a lot easier keeping him on a visitor while we worked on getting him residence. It was very easy to get him residence at that point because we were married. (we still are)

 

He is not a citizen in the country He an live here, work here, get medical here. He CAN become a citizen now.

Edited June 29, 2016 by Starscream

[Starscream]

my temperament is shot. My dark side is unleased. I'm trying to reign that bugger in - but it isn't easy. Been down to the hospital once this week. I want to get back to a doctor I had before I mad ea mistake to change to this one who only thinks of her purse. They complain if I go to a walk in elsewhere. I told them I go to a walk in when it doesn't affect my purse and since theirs are only open while I am working, I am going to go somewhere that suits my schedule.

 

I am stressed out from last week's hell. I am exhausted from endless early mornings due to construction on the building. I am frustrated from being unable to see to it a dog in our building stops barking - which it does, constantly, - and also keep s me awake.

 

I cannot move out of this apartment as its the cheapest we have. husband cannot get a raise to improve our position, I cannot get enough hours or even a raise either... ALl my fate is in others hands and its wearing me down. I have snapped.

 

[Syiren]

Edited to fit what's allowed...

 

Fine dad. I'm at my point. You haven't fixed the computer (which I know the issue and he's still trying to figure it out) so I can't ease myself with a game that's a stress relief(and was a legitimate reliever for veterans), which is now making my add act up so it's getting harder to sit still, even if I'm doodling.

 

And yes, my drawings are pure , and I've never really noticed major or minor improvements. So if staying up past midnight or drawing until my hand hurts is what it takes, FINE BY ME.

 

None of my friends are talking anymore since summer began, and I have their kiks. They read what I send and never respond. It's typical to be ignored at this point.

 

Please see the first post. We are not able to give you medical advice or help here. Please seek help from a professional.

Nora, I can relate so much it hurts.

 

My reason for coming here is very similar. My laptop which has been there for me through thick and thin is having some major problems. I can't even get it to start up, but it's been working perfectly for me until today and since first buying it in 2009 and having the first real problem with it in 2016 that's saying something. I'm hoping it can be fixed, because my entire stress relief is that computer.

 

With my situation and with where I live there is no one else who shares the same interests that I do. There are no places where we can meet up or anything. I have two friends, but they've been pretty distant lately, especially the one who is acting butt-hurt over an issue which was his fault, but that's another long and old story.

 

My father doesn't understand technology and see's no reason to have internet because he says it's filled with crap and other thing he has no care for. It doesn't matter if I tell him all the information it does have about anything. He doesn't care. He only shrugs his shoulders and says; "So? What's that got to do with me?" - You don't know how bad I want to look him in the eye and scream: "Are you stupid?"

 

Directing this towards myself, I know there are more things in life besides computers and internet. I know this, but at the same time I suffer from depression and I have ADD. It's not easy to get me to focus and sit still. What does help is being on my computer where I can listen to music and write my stories. It's extremely therapeutic and while on it I feel like my old self before all this crap and stress was piled on me.

 

When it first started messing up it was a normal screen and I was writing. Then the screen with pure white. I restarted it and it wouldn't boot up. The screen turned on, but the start-up didn't happen. I tried everything I knew and everything that had worked before and still nothing. I know there is a place downtown that fixes computers. I just hope its not too expensive. Because that laptop is my emotional rock.

 

I just hope I don't lose everything on there. I have my stories backed up (thank god for the person who invented flash drives), and some of my most favorite songs, but I have so much more on that computer that I can't lose.

 

My nerves are frayed and I'm pretty sure I had some kind of anxiety attack earlier. But that was a combination of a number of things, the computer messing up certainly didn't help any.

[Moonwick]

My cat is confirmed to die soon, he's been around since I was 5. There's not much else to say. I feel like this week coming is going to be very, very sad. I haven't had a cat pass away since I was 14.

 

So yeah. Respect to my cat Lovebug for surviving as long as he could until now with his heart condition. He's a good, strong cat and will be remembered as such.

[Obscure_Trash]

My cat is confirmed to die soon, he's been around since I was 5. There's not much else to say. I feel like this week coming is going to be very, very sad. I haven't had a cat pass away since I was 14.

 

So yeah. Respect to my cat Lovebug for surviving as long as he could until now with his heart condition. He's a good, strong cat and will be remembered as such.

Aww, I'm so sorry. It's always hard to lose a beloved pet and friend/family member.

 

I hope that his passing is quick and easy. <3

[DuskOfTheStars]

I need some help calming down.

 

Someone turned off the lights in my room. I am night-blind, and there could have been sharp objects on the floor. When I tried to get them to return, no one showed up till my Dad came to check on me... and I had already freaked out badly.

Edited July 13, 2016 by Dusky_Flareon

[Obscure_Trash]

I need some help calming down.

 

Someone turned off thelights in my room. I am night-blind, and there could have been sharp objects on the floor. When I tried to get them to return, no one showed up till my Dad came to check on me... and I had already freaked out badly.

Hey, you're okay. It's going to be okay. Try syncing your breathing with this gif:

 

[Shienvien]

I think it might be running at different speeds on different devices; this looks like severe hyperventilation to me.

 

In case you're left in dark, don't try to actually step - carefully slide your foot across the surface, and then carry your weight over, repeat. This way, there is little chance of you harming yourself, and you'll eventually reach a wall.

[isomanic]

I need some help calming down.

 

Someone turned off the lights in my room. I am night-blind, and there could have been sharp objects on the floor. When I tried to get them to return, no one showed up till my Dad came to check on me... and I had already freaked out badly.

Take care, friend! Everything will be good

 

Well, it's not much, but I hope that I can help you a little bit.

Please check your PM

Edited July 13, 2016 by isomanic

[gigglymonkey12]

i was in the ER all day yesterday.

 

i had a miscarriage.

 

i am very sad today and lots of pain.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Sending you my virtual hugs.