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Well this is a bit stupid, but my really good friend, which my mum doesn't want me going out with at all, not even to the movies.

Has admitted a crush on me :/

I don't want things to get awkward, and he is a really good guy. I really do want to see him more, but my mum is being a, well, a butt tongue.gif

 

What do I do?

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Hugs and kisses to everyone in this thread. wub.gif

 

Well this is a bit stupid, but my really good friend, which my mum doesn't want me going out with at all, not even to the movies.

Has admitted a crush on me :/

I don't want things to get awkward, and he is a really good guy. I really do want to see him more, but my mum is being a, well, a butt tongue.gif

 

What do I do?

 

That depends on what your feelings are. If you don't like him, it's best that you don't give him a fake hope. But if you do, I suggest you give it a shot. It could work!

And talk to your mum a bit more, think of reasons why he's a nice guy and try to make her see him the way you do. smile.gif

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Well, my mom's dog (and the last connection to her late husband) is being put to sleep tonight. He has had mobility issues (he is a giant Rottweiler, and has hip dysplacia) and we think he had a stroke...He's not been the same since we had to put the other dog to sleep about a year ago.

 

Unfortunately, my sister and I believe that my mother will soon follow; we have always believed that she would go shortly after the dogs did... She has been declining for some time, so I guess we will see.

 

I didn't even like these particular dogs and it's upsetting to me...

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*hugs to the above*

 

 

Well so Sara (that's my dog's mom) was put down today. I was a complete wreck at work this morning. I visited her a couple times in the vet clinic infirmary and she just looked awful, she's 13 years old and she couldn't even stand up from swollen feet and she wasn't eating anything (which is very unusual for a lab) and she had already been diagnosed with cancer. She still wanted to be petted (a lab) but it was really for the best that she had to go. It still didn't make it hurt any less, and it didn't stop me from crying half the morning.

 

She was a sweet dog and I'll miss her, I'm so lucky to have a dog from her who I also love dearly. I'll just have to hug Heidi twice as much now for sweet Sara.

 

 

 

The only positive thing that came from this is one of the veterinarians didn't hear me come in to the infirmary and I totally caught him baby talking one of the dogs while checking on it. I'm like a couple runs down trying not to laugh and sob at the same time.

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Well, I do like him a lot, but I've heard guys fall in love much quicker than girls, so I'm thinking I should give myself more time.

As for mum, she thinks (She's sterotypical about boys, except my own brother. Because she raised him ugh) he's too old for me (2 years older) and that he's a man not a boy anymore, so he'll try to do things to me. He really is a nice guy and countless times I've tried to convince her otherwise. My grandma was like that too, so my mum grew up with that.

I have been going to the movies with my friends, and I tagged him along (without mum knowing) and it was great. I know it probably seems wrong :/ but that's the only way I can hang out with him

Edited by ChocolateIzzy

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I feel like a mess. Some of it's probably going to sound petty, but I'm just going out of my mind.

 

First, I hate this time of year. All the nauseating red, pink, and hearts everywhere is just a constant reminder of the fact that I'm incredibly lonely. I'm in my fifth year of college. I haven't had a single date in my entire college career. I've posted on here about my pathetic, non-existent love life before, and it's just as dismal as ever. I'm still hung up on the guy from church. I'm really glad we can be friendly and talk to each other and be youth advisers together, because I think he's great and I really like being around him even if I can't be his girlfriend. But it also kind of hurts, because basically whenever he talks, I find myself liking him even more. I don't know. Then I actually worked up the nerve to talk to a guy in my French class. We met for coffee once, and texted a little. Well, a couple weeks ago we were texting and he tells me that he and his family are seriously considering moving to Germany this summer. We haven't spoken since. It wasn't like our conversation ended badly, it just kind of died out naturally and neither of us has initiated anything since then. Part of me wants to send him a message asking how his first week of class went. But the larger part of me is saying to just forget it. Because what if we were to develop a close friendship, or perhaps something more? What's the sense in putting myself through the misery of developing any kind of relationship with someone who's probably going to end up leaving the country, anyway? In any case, I'm feeling really alone. And as stupid as it may seem, Valentine's Day being around the corner is just bringing it all to the forefront of my mind and making it way worse. I'm still young, I'm only 22. But there's already part of me that's really wondering what if I'm just not meant to find love? What if I'm just completely undesirable and it never happens? None of my friends have had as hard a time finding a boyfriend as I seem to be. I know it's stupid, but I'm starting to really feel afraid of being alone forever.

 

And as if I wasn't feeling stellar enough already, my sister's graduating this semester. I'm not, I have at least one more semester to go. It's really rough for me, because we're twins. I know it isn't a competition, but I feel like finishing after her makes me somehow deficient. And there's just been so much talk about it! It's not until May, but I just can't get away from it! Sunday, she came upstairs asking me to look up menus for restaurants because my mom wanted to start making reservations for a dinner after. She talked my ear off about where she wanted to eat until I had to leave for youth group. Then the next morning we went to buy books. She and her boyfriend jabbered about it literally the entire time. Then she texted me about it later that evening, telling me our mom wants me to go to the ceremony. I had enough. I got angry. One, I'm just tired of hearing about it. Two, it may make me a horrible person, but I feel awful and miserable and going to the ceremony is just going to make me feel even more inadequate than I already do. I don't want to think about it. She kept pestering me about it the following day, and then my mom cornered me about it on Wednesday, to lecture me about how important it is that we all go as a family. I'm just done. Again, it may make me a petty, awful person, but it's something I'm really struggling with. It's three months away, and the close proximity of Valentine's Day and my miserable failure of a love life is already putting me in a pretty bad place.

 

I tried to be nice. I talked to my sister about where to go for dinner. I tolerated the incessant conversation about it between her and her boyfriend when we went to buy books. But she pushed me way beyond my limit as far as to what I can handle before starting to get upset and angry.

 

My sister also hasn't acknowledged me all week except to talk about graduation, complain at me about her professors, or if she wanted something from me. This morning she ripped my head off because her GPS was in my car. If she'd have just asked about it without snapping and getting nasty, whatever. It's not like I was planning on keeping it, I was going to give it back to her. But instead of just a polite "Do you still have my GPS?" or whatever, I got snarled at and sniped at. When she came home tonight, she barely said two words to me. So, since it's a normal conversation for the first week of classes, I started trying to talk about school. I've already heard about how she hates her anatomy professor and why her psych class is awful. As soon as I start making comments about the professor for the class I had today, she got nasty and snippy and ran the conversation into the ground before it could start. All I wanted was to talk. But apparently I'm not allowed to have any kind of conversation with her unless it's on her terms about a subject of her choosing.

 

And I just have no idea what I'm doing with my life. A few months ago, it felt like things were slowly falling into place and things were going to be okay. I can't even figure out why, but all of a sudden I feel like I've just completely lost all my motivation and sense of purpose. I can't seem to approach much of anything without a "what's the point" kind of attitude. I have this urge to just start withdrawing and retreating that I'm trying to fight. I like singing in my choirs, it's one of the things that keeps me sane. But last night at rehearsal, I started wondering why I bothered with church choir and if I should even keep going. I kind of have the same feeling about my other choirs. It's stupid. If I'm not singing, I'm miserable. When I wasn't in any choirs I felt horrible, and usually for most of rehearsal I'm distracted enough by what we're doing that I'm not thinking about everything else that's upsetting me. But the "what's the point" type thinking is still there, even as much as I'm trying to fight it.

 

I guess I'm just generally feeling unwanted, unmotivated, inadequate, and painfully lonely. I've been crying on and off for like three hours, mostly because of the fight I had with my sister earlier because I had the nerve to actually try talking to her, though it's more everything else was building up and that's the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

And I have basically no one to talk to. I don't have a whole lot of friends, and this isn't the kind of thing I'd talk to the friends I do have about. I don't like talking to my parents about what I'm feeling. In the past, they just haven't understood and it ended up with us fighting. I feel like they generally just don't understand me as a person, because we really don't have common interests or anything. I don't really talk to people in my classes, because most of the time I'm too stupidly shy to initiate conversations with people I don't know. And what do you know! The one time I took a chance and gave it a try, the guy's probably going to leave the country!

 

Again I know most of this is probably really stupid. I don't even one hundred percent get why I'm this miserable myself. But I can't stop crying, I feel like an emotional wreck, and I needed to get it out somewhere.

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@Anges

I thought I was unlikeable and no one would ever love me. Then a guy recently admitted he had a pretty big crush on me ever since he met me. All I think is that love takes time. Love'll find you. Just be yourself and don't think about it too much. When the time is right, the perfect guy will come. My advice, don't throw yourself on the first guy that says he loves you. Trust me from experience. This guy once pestered me until I became his girlfriend. Turns out he wanted for one thing only, but I broke it off before that could have happened.

He didn't really care.

But the right guy will come to you one day. One who genuinely cares smile.gif

So don't think too much about it and go on with your life as you're young! It will come!

 

Peace out smile.gif

 

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@Agnes

Hey, its okay. There is a huge diversity of people in the world, you may find your match yet. Right now I am unconcerned about my love life, partly because I am too young and also because I haven't met anyone yet. But I am a bit annoyed with all the happy couples on Vday gushing over each other and being intimate (get a room!) and I just don't really see a it as a holiday due to my being a bit young to date. I am an introvert (I think that's the word..) and currently have no friends aside from online ones. I'd much rather bury myself in a book or shoot something on my Xbox than go socialize with people. You'll meet someone someday, the only time when you will never find someone is when you are near dead.

 

@ChocolateIzzy

I say go for it! He's only 2 years older than you, that's a heck of a lot better than someone 10 years older. Not all men are predators, seems like your mom lumped him in with the stereotype. He sounds like a nice guy, definitely try for something. I am imagining something like Romeo and Juliet, where you meet in secret. But that's probably my author side going too far. If it works, you could end up very happy.

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@C88

I do meet him in secret a lot, majority of the time, my mum doesn't know :/

I do want to go for it and try, but I actually am, quite afraid of my mum

Edited by ChocolateIzzy

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@Agnes

 

*Hugs* I've been married for 16 years, and with my husband for 23 years and I HATE Valentine's day (So you aren't alone in that, and please know that there are people in relationships who don't like it). It just seems rather materialistic...As for you not having a boyfriend - give it time (I know, it's cliche as heck). You just haven't found the right guy, and I guarantee that will happen when you least expect it, and it will be awesome. You are still young. And I do think you should talk more to the French guy. Why not?

 

I wish I could give you advice about your family; I get that a lot though...they aren't half as interested in me and what I'm doing and what I've been doing. It always centers around my cousin (who seems to be able to do no wrong) and sometimes my sister.

 

One silver lining to you not graduating with your sister...when it happens it will be YOUR day alone. You won't have to share the glory with anyone. You are not inadequate, don't ever think that of yourself. And if you love singing...DON'T give it up...that is probably going to be one thing that keeps you happy and sane...

 

I know, probably not very good advice, but chin up. It WILL get better. And don't ever apologize for your emotions - you are allowed your feelings.

 

 

 

@ ChocolateIzzy - 2 years is NOT a big age gap. Go for it.

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@Agnes

 

*Hugs* I've been married for 16 years, and with my husband for 23 years and I HATE Valentine's day (So you aren't alone in that, and please know that there are people in relationships who don't like it). It just seems rather materialistic...As for you not having a boyfriend - give it time (I know, it's cliche as heck). You just haven't found the right guy, and I guarantee that will happen when you least expect it, and it will be awesome. You are still young. And I do think you should talk more to the French guy. Why not?

 

I wish I could give you advice about your family; I get that a lot though...they aren't half as interested in me and what I'm doing and what I've been doing. It always centers around my cousin (who seems to be able to do no wrong) and sometimes my sister.

 

One silver lining to you not graduating with your sister...when it happens it will be YOUR day alone. You won't have to share the glory with anyone. You are not inadequate, don't ever think that of yourself. And if you love singing...DON'T give it up...that is probably going to be one thing that keeps you happy and sane...

 

I know, probably not very good advice, but chin up. It WILL get better. And don't ever apologize for your emotions - you are allowed your feelings.

Thanks. I'm just frustrated. I'm lonely the majority of the time, but this time of year brings it to the forefront and makes it way worse. And I know Valentine's Day is commercialized and kind of cheesy. If I was in a relationship, I probably wouldn't even want to go out on the holiday, one because of the crowds and two because I'm working, anyway. But all the same, I can't help but be put out when I see all the hearts and happy couples.

 

As far as graduation, logically I know that I'll get there, too. But I can't squash the feeling that it's somehow diminished by the fact that I'm getting there second. Like I'm just catching up and it's less of an achievement. I keep trying to tell myself it isn't a race or a competition, and logically I know that's true, but I just can't convince myself of it. Plus, I know my mom thinks her major is way more difficult than mine, which also makes me feel like when I make it to graduation, the accomplishment's cheapened because of the perception that my classes weren't as difficult. Logically, I know that's not the case. Sure, I wouldn't know what to do with anything in the science classes my sister's taking this semester. But that's just because I don't have the necessary foundation because I'm not studying that field. But, my sister wouldn't be able to do the research for my thesis or pass my French classes. But I'm pretty sure my parents don't see it that way, and in any case at least my mom's convinced that French is a useless minor, and neither of them really care about my thesis topic.

 

I don't really plan to give up going to choir, because on some level, I know that the "why bother" attitude is mostly just spillover from everything else I'm upset about and stopping won't accomplish anything other than making me even more unhappy. But the fact that the feeling's even there at all bothers me. I guess I just want one facet of my life where I can just go, be completely happy and at ease. But I'm getting that apathetic feeling towards literally everything I used to be excited about. I was thrilled to bits when my thesis proposal was accepted and I couldn't wait to start working on it. Now, I have the binder with my major primary sources sitting next to me, and I just don't want to deal with it. I started writing fanfiction, and even though it's something I enjoy, I find myself losing the motivation to write.

 

I just feel like a whole lot of stressors are piling up, and I'm sinking into a rut of apathy and dissatisfaction with pretty much everything, and I feel like I'm powerless to stop it.

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My parents are pushing me too hard in school. They think that because I interact very well with adults, that I'll interact well with teens my age. And are pushing me to talk and hang out with kids I don't like, on top of putting me in regular and AP classes. for every subject that I take. It is extremely stressful, and they don't seem to realise that I have been getting about three hours of sleep ever night, and that I've lost three pounds since monday. I am getting pushed to my limit, and every time I say something, they ground me and take my phone so I can't have anymore 'bad influences'. I've asked them many times why they keep doing this to me, and the answer is always "so you can be successful and we can have a normal daughter. You act like a Numbskull! Always going on about shows or characters in books. We won't have it, you will grow up normal." And to top the whole thing off, they're setting me up with a guy this weekend. Saying "we want you two to hang out." IM FOURTEEN!! Sorry for any bad grammar, I'm extremely stressed right now.

Well, I'm only fifteen, so this may not be the best advice, but I feel that it will be easier to relate to. So, for me, what your parents are doing is extremely wrong. Honestly, whether or not they take your phone away, and do all this stuff, you shouldn't just let them control you like that. Talk to them about it, explain that it stresses you out, exaggerate if you must. And if they refuse to listen, try to fix it yourself. If they say "so you can be successful and we can have a normal daughter. You act like a Numbskull! Always going on about shows or characters in books. We won't have it, you will grow up normal." ask them if you aren't normal enough for them. Ask why you have to be successful over happy. Ask them why they're calling you a numbskull, why are they insulting their child?. With the whole "we want you two to hang out" thing, tell them that you don't want to, they can't really force you to hang out with him. I realize that it's Saturday now, and you probably already went, but if they try to force you to do it again. Good luck, I hope all goes well.

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I feel like a mess. Some of it's probably going to sound petty, but I'm just going out of my mind.

 

First, I hate this time of year. All the nauseating red, pink, and hearts everywhere is just a constant reminder of the fact that I'm incredibly lonely. I'm in my fifth year of college. I haven't had a single date in my entire college career. I've posted on here about my pathetic, non-existent love life before, and it's just as dismal as ever. I'm still hung up on the guy from church. I'm really glad we can be friendly and talk to each other and be youth advisers together, because I think he's great and I really like being around him even if I can't be his girlfriend. But it also kind of hurts, because basically whenever he talks, I find myself liking him even more. I don't know. Then I actually worked up the nerve to talk to a guy in my French class. We met for coffee once, and texted a little. Well, a couple weeks ago we were texting and he tells me that he and his family are seriously considering moving to Germany this summer. We haven't spoken since. It wasn't like our conversation ended badly, it just kind of died out naturally and neither of us has initiated anything since then. Part of me wants to send him a message asking how his first week of class went. But the larger part of me is saying to just forget it. Because what if we were to develop a close friendship, or perhaps something more? What's the sense in putting myself through the misery of developing any kind of relationship with someone who's probably going to end up leaving the country, anyway? In any case, I'm feeling really alone. And as stupid as it may seem, Valentine's Day being around the corner is just bringing it all to the forefront of my mind and making it way worse. I'm still young, I'm only 22. But there's already part of me that's really wondering what if I'm just not meant to find love? What if I'm just completely undesirable and it never happens? None of my friends have had as hard a time finding a boyfriend as I seem to be. I know it's stupid, but I'm starting to really feel afraid of being alone forever.

 

And as if I wasn't feeling stellar enough already, my sister's graduating this semester. I'm not, I have at least one more semester to go. It's really rough for me, because we're twins. I know it isn't a competition, but I feel like finishing after her makes me somehow deficient. And there's just been so much talk about it! It's not until May, but I just can't get away from it! Sunday, she came upstairs asking me to look up menus for restaurants because my mom wanted to start making reservations for a dinner after. She talked my ear off about where she wanted to eat until I had to leave for youth group. Then the next morning we went to buy books. She and her boyfriend jabbered about it literally the entire time. Then she texted me about it later that evening, telling me our mom wants me to go to the ceremony. I had enough. I got angry. One, I'm just tired of hearing about it. Two, it may make me a horrible person, but I feel awful and miserable and going to the ceremony is just going to make me feel even more inadequate than I already do. I don't want to think about it. She kept pestering me about it the following day, and then my mom cornered me about it on Wednesday, to lecture me about how important it is that we all go as a family. I'm just done. Again, it may make me a petty, awful person, but it's something I'm really struggling with. It's three months away, and the close proximity of Valentine's Day and my miserable failure of a love life is already putting me in a pretty bad place.

 

I tried to be nice. I talked to my sister about where to go for dinner. I tolerated the incessant conversation about it between her and her boyfriend when we went to buy books. But she pushed me way beyond my limit as far as to what I can handle before starting to get upset and angry.

 

My sister also hasn't acknowledged me all week except to talk about graduation, complain at me about her professors, or if she wanted something from me. This morning she ripped my head off because her GPS was in my car. If she'd have just asked about it without snapping and getting nasty, whatever. It's not like I was planning on keeping it, I was going to give it back to her. But instead of just a polite "Do you still have my GPS?" or whatever, I got snarled at and sniped at. When she came home tonight, she barely said two words to me. So, since it's a normal conversation for the first week of classes, I started trying to talk about school. I've already heard about how she hates her anatomy professor and why her psych class is awful. As soon as I start making comments about the professor for the class I had today, she got nasty and snippy and ran the conversation into the ground before it could start. All I wanted was to talk. But apparently I'm not allowed to have any kind of conversation with her unless it's on her terms about a subject of her choosing.

 

And I just have no idea what I'm doing with my life. A few months ago, it felt like things were slowly falling into place and things were going to be okay. I can't even figure out why, but all of a sudden I feel like I've just completely lost all my motivation and sense of purpose. I can't seem to approach much of anything without a "what's the point" kind of attitude. I have this urge to just start withdrawing and retreating that I'm trying to fight. I like singing in my choirs, it's one of the things that keeps me sane. But last night at rehearsal, I started wondering why I bothered with church choir and if I should even keep going. I kind of have the same feeling about my other choirs. It's stupid. If I'm not singing, I'm miserable. When I wasn't in any choirs I felt horrible, and usually for most of rehearsal I'm distracted enough by what we're doing that I'm not thinking about everything else that's upsetting me. But the "what's the point" type thinking is still there, even as much as I'm trying to fight it.

 

I guess I'm just generally feeling unwanted, unmotivated, inadequate, and painfully lonely. I've been crying on and off for like three hours, mostly because of the fight I had with my sister earlier because I had the nerve to actually try talking to her, though it's more everything else was building up and that's the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

And I have basically no one to talk to. I don't have a whole lot of friends, and this isn't the kind of thing I'd talk to the friends I do have about. I don't like talking to my parents about what I'm feeling. In the past, they just haven't understood and it ended up with us fighting. I feel like they generally just don't understand me as a person, because we really don't have common interests or anything. I don't really talk to people in my classes, because most of the time I'm too stupidly shy to initiate conversations with people I don't know. And what do you know! The one time I took a chance and gave it a try, the guy's probably going to leave the country!

 

Again I know most of this is probably really stupid. I don't even one hundred percent get why I'm this miserable myself. But I can't stop crying, I feel like an emotional wreck, and I needed to get it out somewhere.

ohmy.gif What the hay? Why is there hearts around when Valentine's still on February? It's just January! Even here in the Philippines where we put decorations as early as October doesn't put V-Day deco this early. Moving on, just ignore those decos. Being single can be and is a blessing. If it weren't for my being single, I wouldn't get free ice cream and place to stay. tongue.gif Even if it's just virtual. Remember that #TeamForeverAlone group I told you about last year 2014? The banner by the way is in my siggy. tongue.gif We had story-telling about our bitterness wonderful life. Also, having a relationship isn't about sweetness and happiness only. What you can't see is the commitment, quarrels and problems. Be lad that you have no obligation at the moment. Havi.g a boyfriend or girlfriend is tiring. Take it from me who has observed two couples..

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Anyone who has been following me here, or offsite, knows its been a pretty rough roller coaster ride the past few months. I'm slowly getting myself back into control of things, which is good, but I'm also having to learn to cope with new things I haven't had to before now. I'm finally at a point where I feel like I am stable enough mentally to start making some changes to how I do things in my day to day life, though some changes will be quite a bit more difficult than others.

 

The housing situation hasnt gotten any better, sadly. Still stressing over the heating situation and living in a house that has no chance of ever being brought up to code. We have some new options opening up to us soon, however, I honestly believe that even if the next place is up to code, we have no chance of getting away from the scam artist who owns this house. Not gonna blast him by name, specifically... especially since im not sure which name hes using these days.. there are a lot of them (over 700 houses under at least 5 different names, and 3 different companies). Until we can get out from under his thumb, there is absolutely nothing we can do (but the moment we are out of his reach, we have been instructed to report /directly/ to the Attorney General whats been going on here, as this guy has federal level felonies stacking up against him, and they cant find him to catch him).

 

My relationships with friends, family and partners have all changed, in weird ways. I know a lot of it has to do with my own mental changes I have been fighting with, but at the same time.. I think its fully possible that my mental break is helping me see things more clearly. I've realized that some of the people I depended on the most, can't and are unwilling to learn how to help me when I ask for help. People I didn't expect to help, stepped up to the plate, and did what they could, without me asking. There are entire sections of my social network, that i've decided I need to cut all ties to, as painful as it will be to do so. Other sections.. arent as clear cut. Im struggling on trying to decide how to handle that section. Its strange that I have been surrounded by tons of people lately, but that I have felt utterly alone in a lot of those same groups. Its not that I don't like those people.. I just don't connect with them very well, and the experience is physically exhausting and mentally draining for me.

 

I really miss the days where I was comfortable in crowds, being a social butterfly, and was actually fun. Now, im just a paranoid wreck, that has a hard time making herself clear and understood, that feels like most people just tolerate her being around, instead of actually enjoying her company. I'm trying, I'm coming along slowly, but without the support system I thought I had.. it's been a far harder journey than I thought. At least I'm trying, instead of caving in and turning into a recluse.

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I really miss the days where I was comfortable in crowds, being a social butterfly, and was actually fun. Now, im just a paranoid wreck, that has a hard time making herself clear and understood, that feels like most people just tolerate her being around, instead of actually enjoying her company. I'm trying, I'm coming along slowly, but without the support system I thought I had.. it's been a far harder journey than I thought. At least I'm trying, instead of caving in and turning into a recluse.

I so relate. When I'm out in public it's so hard to strike up a conversation or to reply to someone without feeling stupid. I'm constantly having to think about everything I say and then I end up taking too long to reply. you try so hard not to say the most awkward things but it always comes out wrong.

 

I wish I could offer some well-deserved support, but I'm having an issue like that myself. I feel like such a stupid idiot. I let myself get comfortable again. Thinking I belonged somewhere. All I wanted was an answer, a bit of help. And I was ignored. Every time I enter the room other people leave. I try. It's not easy for me, but I try and that's what I get for my efforts?

 

And then people wonder why I don't get out much. It's like I'm walking around with this giant 'KICK ME!" sign, or something. A while back I was at Walmart, I didn't have time to take a shower after doing some yard work because Dad didn't feel like waiting. (gee thanks dry.gif ) I was sweaty and smelly and I smelled like old leaves and dog poop because that's what I was raking in the backyard. (again thanks Dad.)

 

One of the Walmart employees walked by me, pretty close and stood there before walking off. I didn't pay much attention to that. but then another one did the same. Stood by me, I heard him sniffing a bit and then he walked off. I kept my eyes on the movies but my ears trained on him who had walked over to where the first guy was. I heard him say, "You're right, she does."

 

It doesn't take a genius to realize what they were referring to. Then they laughed about it. You don't censorkip.gif do that. You're there to work, not to insult others. Especially behind their back like that. Naturally I was upset, but too dang polite to walk up there and give them a piece of my mind which they rightfully deserved. I was so upset because that really bothered me and it wasn't my fault. What made it worse was Dad thought I was throwing a fit about not getting a movie.

 

...Dude, I'm in my twenties. If I want a movie I'll buy it myself. Why would I 'whine' about something so stupid that a 12-year-old would whine about? If you wouldn't assume everything and ask me what was wrong then maybe you'd know. This may sound childish, but ever since then I haven't touched the back yard, at least as far as raking leaves and dog crap is concerned. If he wants it done and wants to smell like dog poop then I say go for it. I'll pull weeds, I'll mow, I'll rake the leaves into a pile, but I won't bag 'em. Have fun!

 

Back to my main issue I just always feel like I'm the fifth wheel. I wish there was a place where I really felt that I belong.

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So you're probably all sick of me ranting on here by now. But I'm just frustrated and angry as anything. My sister and I were talking for a while about how we both had plans to be productive and get stuff done today, but didn't really get around to much any of it. It was civil for a while.

 

But then when I pointed to the binder of opera scores I'm using for my thesis, she flipped out on me, insisting that going through them doesn't count as real research. She claims opera scores don't count as primary sources, because for them to be a primary source they'd need to be an actual paper. But papers on 18th century French opera would be secondary sources--primary sources are documents, manuscripts, etc. from the time and place being studied, it's secondary sources that are papers, books, etc. written by scholars looking back on the time. Considering my thesis is about 18th century French opera, the scores themselves are actually pretty significant and relative to my research! I can't very well write about the operas if I haven't looked at them!

 

And then I got a lecture about how playing through choruses doesn't count as working through the scores. But I had played the chords formed by the voice parts so I could hear some of the harmonic structure of the piece, since I plan to look at the musical complexity of the operas I've chosen compared to each other as well as the popular songs of the time. And sure, looking at the notes on the page gives me an idea, but actually hearing it gives me a clearer idea. I got a lecture about how that's too subjective, and in any case I should just go listen to recordings.

 

One, there are musical structures that are just objectively more complex than others. Syllabic settings of texts make the words more easily understandable. It's a fact, not an opinion. A piece with rich harmonies and a variety of chords is more complex than a four chord song. It's a fact. Similarities between or differences in the structure of various works is something tangible and concrete. I'm not looking to make judgments like "this one's prettier" or "I like this one", I'm looking for structural things. And as far as recordings? None of these operas are performed anymore. A recording exists for I think one of them in its entirety, and there may be excerpts of the others available. These aren't well-known, widely performed works that I can just watch on Youtube or buy on Amazon or I-tunes. For a lot of these pieces, if there's anything I want to hear, I have to play it for myself.

 

And then there was the snarky "Well, how do you know you're even playing it right if you don't know what it sounds like?". Maybe because I can actually read music, so I know what notes I should be playing? I can get an idea of what things should sound like by looking at them, hearing them just paints a clearer picture for me.

 

Even aside from the musical side, there are also the texts, which can also be found in the scores. I can't even begin to talk about opera as propaganda if I haven't read through the texts and don't know what the pieces are actually saying. Academic papers aren't going to tell me that. They may cite excerpts and give me an idea, but the only way to understand the texts in their entirety is to go through the scores and read them myself.

 

In short, yes. My scores are absolutely not nonsense and are primary sources pertinent to my subject. If I were writing my thesis on 18th century literature, I'd have to read novels from the time. To write about 18th century opera, I have to read the texts and at least have an idea of what it sounds like.

 

And I know they aren't sufficient on their own! That's why I'm also going to be reading books and articles by scholars as secondary sources, as well as articles, letters, etc. from 18th century France as primary sources. I've started reading one of the books on my list. But, you know what? The operas themselves are probably going to take me the longest to go through, so I figured that would be a good place to start.

 

But because it isn't science and there's an element of subjectivity in that I have to interpret the documents rather than just look at hard numbers, apparently it's all completely invalid as research, the sources are meaningless, and trying to understand them as best I can doesn't constitute actual work.

 

I'm going out of my mind. This is why I can't stand my family! They're all into sciences, and I'm the only oddball black sheep who prefers other areas of study. So they don't get that what I do is actually work. And you know what? it's like this literally every time I'm working on any project! Last year when I was working on translations for a professor, my mom asked if I was actually doing anything or if I was uploading things into an online translation program. Uh, no? Those programs might work for a single word and maybe a few simple sentences, but if you enter anything significant into them, you end up with a completely botched, unreadable, unusable translation. Now it's my sister insisting that my research is invalid.

 

All I want is some tiny modicum of respect for the stuff I'm doing. Just enough to not have it bashed. I've never bashed my sister's research or tried to tell her it wasn't legitimate. And I really don't think it's too much to ask that if she doesn't see the point in my research, she at least have the courtesy to keep it to herself.

 

Just because research in my discipline doesn't involve hard numbers and graphs doesn't mean it's not real. And I'm incredibly angry and frustrated that my family can't seem to understand that.

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@Anges - as a former music major...I agree with you...and the study of music, particularly the path you are taking is time-consuming, and a lot of work...Your sister is definitely wrong. Picking out the harmonics and chord progressions is incredibly difficult - and the chord progression is really important. (I spent way too much time in music theory). I have a lot of respect for you doing that, and would love to hear more about it at some point.

 

@Thuban and @Syrian - I hear you!

 

We are now discussing hospice and 24 hour care for my mother...We are at the end I believe; I just don't know how long it will be...probably not much longer.

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We are now discussing hospice and 24 hour care for my mother...We are at the end I believe; I just don't know how long it will be...probably not much longer.

*Big hugs* I'm so sorry to hear that. sad.gif Today would have been my grandmother's B-day, but she past away three years ago. It's always a horrible feeling when we lose a loved one. Just think of the all of the good times and maybe talk about them with her. It might make her smile.

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So... it's my first appearance here, or at least I'm fairly certain, but... I can't really talk with my friends IRL because... I don't want to say I don't want them to know what's going on, but... I don't want them to know what's going on? Especially part of this which will make me sound like a horrid human who needs to be pelted with rotten onions.

 

The first thing I can't even go into detail because let's just say I'm living in a censorkip.gif action film where the person is like "can't talk on this phone it's tapped" dry.gif But the very short of it without detail is I'm in college, 2 hours from my hometown where my mother is, and every single day I'm terrified I'll get the phone call from her saying "they finally did it." Or that she's been shoved into a mental institution against her will because the family is turning against us and insisting everything is all in her head even though I, a 21 year old, have also been witness to WTF is going on, as have 2 of my friends and 3 of her's.

BUT OHHHH NOOOOOO. Mom's TOTALLY coming down with the normal family schizo that strikes basically every single woman in my family.

Because of that flipping situation, I have literally $60 in cash to my name. I have no debit card. It had to be canceled. No credit card. No checks. I have that cash. And I have my campus money. Which can only be used on campus. I am still missing textbooks that I can't flipping buy because I don't flipping have the flipping money.

 

apologies. When stressed I usually drop the eff bomb ridiculously so... expect lots of flipping because it's how I speak / type.

 

I'm terrified that the car she's driving isn't safe (because it isn't.) I'm terrified of getting the phone call that I'm now an orphan because a car crash claimed my mother. I'm terrified my cat who is 17 is going to be put down soon because he's refusing to eat cat food but is still pigging out happily on canned chicken.

 

I have a final make-up exam tomorrow that I know I'm going to flunk with rainbow-rific colors. I was supposed to study over break. I couldn't because I had MAYBE 4 hours of internet for the entire month that I was home during christmas break. But I can't have any more time and the professor is already pissed off at me.

If I fail that class, that's two F's on my college transcripts.

 

I have to apply for grad schools next fall. I DON'T EVEN FLIPPING KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH THIS DEGREE.

 

A lot of my friends are graduating. I'm going to be here. Alone. Not entirely but nearly all the way.

 

The people I'm going to be living with are wonderful. Love them to bits. Except for the part where they're together, have been for three years, and I'm starting to think I've developed a crush on one of them. Which is beyond stupid because I will never ever ever EVER break those two apart they love each other to the moon and back and I'd rather shoot myself in the foot then ruin that.

BUT I'M GOING TO BE LIVING WITH THEM.

And I'm not backing out because I can't afford to live on my own. And I think this crush is just a stupid fleeting thing but at the same time I want to like. Platonically screw him. if that makes any sense what-so-ever. Like I don't love him and don't want romantic involvement with him but I want to screw him because my brain thinks that is the next rational step in being closer to someone.

It's also doing this with another friend of mine who's twice my age, literally. And I have zero. zilch. NADA. sexual and/or romantic attraction to him, yet my brain is sitting here going TAP THAT YOU'LL BE EVEN MORE FRIENDS.

 

Yet while my brain is telling me to do that with those two and one more person, the person I should feel that way towards, you know, the BF, I don't. I'm actually like. Almost afraid of him. FOR NO REASON. He has done NOTHING wrong. LIterally. Nothing. He hasn't hurt me. He listens to me. He's an awesome guy and I like him and before break I was tempted to sleep with him.

But now after break that thought throws me into a near anxiety attack and I almost want to break up with him but I don't know why and I'd feel like such a pile if I did that to him but I'm starting to think it may be for the best because like. He texted me an hour ago asking if I had plans this weekend. And since then I've been sitting here desperately trying to think of some plan I have with someone so I don't have to go see him even though I know if I did go see him I'd have an awesomely awesome time and be really happy I did so.

 

.... If you understood any of that. I want to give you 1000 cookies. -flops-

Also the onion comment at the beginning is because I'm allergic to them. ....

..... if you read this. thank you e_e I just... needed to vent to somewhere I know none of my college friends can see...

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But the very short of it without detail is I'm in college, 2 hours from my hometown where my mother is, and every single day I'm terrified I'll get the phone call from her saying "they finally did it." Or that she's been shoved into a mental institution against her will because the family is turning against us and insisting everything is all in her head.
Mental institutions typically are not the scary places movies depict them to be. And no one is going to put into one just because the family insists they should. Even if they drag her there, there will be a real professional evaluating them, and the professional’s words will outweigh what the family says.

At least where I live, it is impossible to put a person into a mental institution unless the court determines that they are a real danger to both themselves and the society. Unless she is running down the streets with a kitchen knife in hand and going smashing windows in during the night type of crazy, there should be NO WAY for the family to put her anywhere.

 

Which can only be used on campus. I am still missing textbooks that I can't flipping buy because I don't flipping have the flipping money.
It is not possible to obtain the textbooks from library and/or photocopy the parts you need at the time?

 

I'm terrified that the car she's driving isn't safe (because it isn't.) I'm terrified of getting the phone call that I'm now an orphan because a car crash claimed my mother.
Well, damn. This is a serious issue. There is no way to get the car fixed or use another one, I take it?

I'm terrified my cat who is 17 is going to be put down soon because he's refusing to eat cat food but is still pigging out happily on canned chicken.

If the animal itself is happy and WANTS to live, there is no justifying putting it down... I'd hope that you can explain it to whoever threatens it. dry.gif

 

And I think this crush is just a stupid fleeting thing but at the same time I want to like. Platonically screw him. if that makes any sense what-so-ever. Like I don't love him and don't want romantic involvement with him but I want to screw him because my brain thinks that is the next rational step in being closer to someone.
That is sort of relatable... I mean, I have fairly high sex-drive, which essentially means that my brain decides that every decent-looking male (whom I probably don't have any romantic or personal relation to, and in fact I may not like them otherwise) is a potential mate stuff. I typically ignore that more "animal" part of my brain. (Would you like a spade to whack this part of your subconsciousness over the head? rolleyes.gif )

 

And since then I've been sitting here desperately trying to think of some plan I have with someone so I don't have to go see him even though I know if I did go see him I'd have an awesomely awesome time and be really happy I did so.
Social nervousness? You liked what time you had together, and are afraid it would change to the point you'd rather end it before it comes to that? Does this sound accurate?

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First I'm gonna rant, then I'll put my perspective on Wandering's post....

 

Disclaimer: I am in no way dissing anyone's religion. I respect everyone's right to their beliefs...

 

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mother in laws death. I posted something on facebook in honor of said event, about how much I missed her and how much she meant to me, etc.

 

I got several replies from friends, and hugs etc...However, my sister in law, a Jehovah's Witness posted a reply which at first was very nice, and comforting, but then went into Eve's sin, and Satan and how Satan's actions caused the fall of men to death, and several other bible verses.

 

I felt that her post was inappropriate to the spirit of what I was trying to accomplish. I don't talk about religion on my wall, and feel that on my page and my wall I have the right to not have her shove her religious beliefs on me or my friends. I deleted her post, as I was not given an option to edit it.

 

She messaged me and asked why I deleted it. I replied that while I appreciate her good wishes, and respect her faith, I felt that the inclusion of the particular verses were not appropriate or relevant to the spirit of my post. She went on to say that she posted the truth and that other apprciate the truth, and how she doesn't remove our comments from her wall ( I don't post on her wall). Well, now she's apparently offended. My husband (her brother) sent her a message as well and she got even more pissy. I am fighting enough battles on other fronts; I don't need this kind of a fight. Nor do I think I should have to justify my reasons for anything.

 

 

@Wandering

 

Especially part of this which will make me sound like a horrid human who needs to be pelted with rotten onions.

 

If you are that horrid, then we probably all are wink.gif.

 

But the very short of it without detail is I'm in college, 2 hours from my hometown where my mother is, and every single day I'm terrified I'll get the phone call from her saying "they finally did it." Or that she's been shoved into a mental institution against her will because the family is turning against us and insisting everything is all in her head even though I, a 21 year old, have also been witness to WTF is going on, as have 2 of my friends and 3 of her's.

 

I am so sorry you have to deal with this; I can only imagine how scared you are. That said, Shienvien is correct. Mental hospitals are very different than how they used to be and are sometimes portrayed. Unless she is unable to take care of herself, or think for herself, and is doing irrational things, no one can put her in a mental hospital against her will. They would need a court order to do anything against her will. (At least where I am)

 

Because of that flipping situation, I have literally $60 in cash to my name. I have no debit card. It had to be canceled. No credit card. No checks. I have that cash. And I have my campus money. Which can only be used on campus. I am still missing textbooks that I can't flipping buy because I don't flipping have the flipping money.
What Shienvien said. smile.gif

 

I'm terrified that the car she's driving isn't safe (because it isn't.) I'm terrified of getting the phone call that I'm now an orphan because a car crash claimed my mother.
Is the car irrepairable? Can she take buses or are their other methods of transit?

 

I'm terrified my cat who is 17 is going to be put down soon because he's refusing to eat cat food but is still pigging out happily on canned chicken.

 

Sounds like a cat who is used to eating canned chicken...that's the good stuff..

 

I have a final make-up exam tomorrow that I know I'm going to flunk with rainbow-rific colors. I was supposed to study over break. I couldn't because I had MAYBE 4 hours of internet for the entire month that I was home during christmas break. But I can't have any more time and the professor is already pissed off at me.

If I fail that class, that's two F's on my college transcripts.

 

I have to apply for grad schools next fall. I DON'T EVEN FLIPPING KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH THIS DEGREE.

 

Deep breaths. Can you repeat the class and get the grade wiped out if you get an F?

 

As for the rest....threesomes can get tricky, even if it's just a one-time thing. Be VERY careful on that path, and both would have to be willing. And that really isn't the only way to get close to someone. I've seen it end badly too many times so I say, probably better not to.

 

As for the BF. If you aren't ready to sleep with him - don't. It sounds like you are possibly afraid of your own feelings...and I agree with Shienvien.\

 

Oh, and censorkip.gif*HUGS AND COOKIES**** (and cute fluffy kittens)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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EEP. I was ninja.gif'd -scampers to read-

EDITTING in responses to lady_caetlyn

 

 

1: Mental institutions typically are not the scary places movies depict them to be. And no one is going to put into one just because the family insists they should. Even if they drag her there, there will be a real professional evaluating them, and the professional’s words will outweigh what the family says.

2: At least where I live, it is impossible to put a person into a mental institution unless the court determines that they are a real danger to both themselves and the society. Unless she is running down the streets with a kitchen knife in hand and going smashing windows in during the night type of crazy, there should be NO WAY for the family to put her anywhere.

 

3: It is not possible to obtain the textbooks from library and/or photocopy the parts you need at the time?

 

4: Well, damn. This is a serious issue. There is no way to get the car fixed or use another one, I take it?

4.5 (Wandering: I derped and didnt see this one) If the animal itself is happy and WANTS to live, there is no justifying putting it down... I'd hope that you can explain it to whoever threatens it.  dry.gif

 

5: That is sort of relatable... I mean, I have fairly high sex-drive, which essentially means that my brain decides that every decent-looking male (whom I probably don't have any romantic or personal relation to, and in fact I may not like them otherwise) is a potential mate stuff. I typically ignore that more "animal" part of my brain. (Would you like a spade to whack this part of your subconsciousness over the head?  rolleyes.gif )

 

6: Social nervousness? You liked what time you had together, and are afraid it would change to the point you'd rather end it before it comes to that? Does this sound accurate?

my tablet is derping out when i try to highlight things so i cant make my post nice and organized like yours : | sowwy

 

1: I guess.. I mean that is true. But I'm still just really scared because even if they don't forcibly admit her it would really, REALLY tear our family apart that they tried to... and we're a super close knit family, like for pete's sakes my uncle's been living with us since I was little. We lend money out without a second question and if we call each other at 3am, we'll drive over to get you from wherever you are. There's never any questioning of 'whats in it for me.' If you're family, you're family...

 

3: the textbooks can't leave the library, and most days I'm not finished with class until... ~5pm. The library closes at 8pm. So while 3 hours sounds like a lot of time to do homework, it really... isn't... although I hadn't thought of photocopying... I might see if I can do that.

 

4: see, that's the thing. We took the car back to the dealership to have it looked over. Mind you, mom and I know cars. We're not the "stereotypical women" who don't know where the battery is (please don't nom me over that stereotype because I KNOW it's false hence the quotations). Example. Brake fluid is scentless. Always. Always always ALWAYS. If it's not something's wrong.

Ours smelled exactly like Draino. As in sniff Draino bottle. Now sniff brake fluid. No difference. Among other issues I don't wanna say.

And we got a rental car. We went into a store after triple checking every door was locked. We come back out and the driver seat is all the way back, steering wheel all the way up, and the head rest broken to reveal two sharp bolts protruding from it. My mother is a short woman and when we left the head rest was DEFINITELY not like that.

AND THAT WAS WITH A RENTAL CAR. -headdesk-

 

4.5: I mean... I dont think they'll put him down without my permission so.. We're good.. I'm just scared because his brother did something very similar before he started getting sick on such a daily and violent basis that we put him down so he didn't end up suffering... So I'm scared my kitty's going to do the same. But I mean. He is 17 so... He has had one hell of a good run for a cat.

 

5: See.. I have a high sex drive, but only if I care about you. Like I've contemplated flings and one night stands and I just... can't. I can't get it goin' for someone I don't know. Which is why I'm just like. Whyyyy. Because I don't want to date him. But I just want to fluff him. But as a friend. Not even friend with benefits. I just want to establish that we have an awesome enough friendship that we fluff. ..... my brain literally makes negative sense I don't even know.

 

6: ...That... sort of, yeah. It's that, but also we really didn't talk much for like, a month over break and I just... it faded for me? I'm trying to give it a chance to rekindle but.. I unno. I feel like because of the stress at home I've just completely mentally checked out from the relationship and I don't wanna keep dragging him along like my Ex did to me... : /

 

EDIT

I think you did the right thing with the deleting post move. I will admit to being slightly biased against religion in general because it's just... it's never ended well for me. But to say things like that just seems.... wrong? Like if it were something more along the lines of providing an inspirational post or quote from the bible, that'd be more understanding. But saying how we're all sinners... i just... ???

 

Jumping down to the car comment

We live in the country, so no, buses aren't an option. And see above for why rental cars don't appear to be an option either...

 

I... I don't think I can retake the class for my own mental sanity. It's one of those topics that I just.. can't wrap my head around? Like it just doesn't want to stick. it's Hydrogeology, and while I was awesome at math a year or two ago, this is an even higher level of math than what I stopped at, so she expected me to be able to derive my own equations and just know how to find certain things... which I couldn't.

I'm just scared because I'm already going to be a 5th year senior. This might set me back even more.... Or worse. It might drop me off my financial aid. I doubt that one, but still...

 

And the threesome thing isn't something I'll touch, at least not if there's any chance at all of romantic involvement. If they were to both approach me one day and be like "Yo, threesome?" well... I kind of doubt I'd say no. At least after I got the BF's permission or we actually had the conversation I want to have about open relationships.... But I know to play it smart. I'm mostly just.. at a loss as to why my brain has made this connection. Like why it has decided that for these two people, the next step is to apparently screw them because that'll make us closer.

I don't even really know how to better describe it then that sadly. Like this isn't even really a romantic crush. It's like a platonic crush. Like... ....god how to explain it.... like I want to be super close to you. I want to have a deep emotional connection and know that if my or your life ever self destructed, we'd have one another to turn to. I don't want to date him. But I want that closeness. .... did that help at all? @_@ I'm so friggen bad at describing my feelings.

 

The BF bit... yeah. I am scared of my feelings. Before I agreed to date him I had actually been heavily considering if I was panromantic but homosexual... and i also got out of a semi-emotionally manipulative relationship only ~6 months ago sooo.... Yeah dry.gif scared of feelings is a huge contributor. and also virgin so i'm just like. penis? blink.gif what do. how do. >_>

Edited by Wandering4Ever

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First I'm gonna rant, then I'll put my perspective on Wandering's post....

 

Disclaimer:  I am in no way dissing anyone's religion.  I respect everyone's right to their beliefs...

 

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mother in laws death.  I posted something on facebook in honor of said event, about how much I missed her and how much she meant to me, etc.

 

I got several replies from friends, and hugs etc...However, my sister in law, a Jehovah's Witness posted a reply which at first was very  nice, and comforting, but then went into Eve's sin, and Satan and how Satan's actions caused the fall of men to death, and several other bible verses.

 

I felt that her post was inappropriate to the spirit of what I was trying to accomplish.  I don't talk about religion on my wall, and feel that on my page and my wall I have the right to not have her shove her religious beliefs on me or my friends.  I deleted her post, as I was not given an option to edit it.

 

She messaged me and asked why I deleted it.  I replied that while I appreciate her good wishes, and respect her faith, I felt that the inclusion of the particular verses were not appropriate or relevant to the spirit of my post.  She went on to say that she posted the truth and that other apprciate the truth, and how she doesn't remove our comments from her wall ( I don't post on her wall).  Well, now she's apparently offended.  My husband (her brother) sent her a message as well and she got even more pissy.  I am fighting enough battles on other fronts; I don't need this kind of a fight.  Nor do I think I should have to justify my reasons for anything.

 

To that, I'd say good riddance. Unless she's someone with whom you're required to have frequent, regular contact, I'd as soon just ignore her and move on. Yes, she's your husband's sister, but it sounds like even he agrees she's being unreasonable and gone out of bounds. She is the epitome of what a religious person -shouldn't- be, and that, quite simply, is a zealot. Don't let her bother you, and don't let whatever she says get to you. She's drank too much of the kool-aid, and nothing you or your husband says is going to change that, or her... ahem, very special outlook on life.

Edited by Omega Entity

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