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There are two guys

 

one the guy who shared my diary and one that my friends kind of sent to take my attention away from the other one however I feel as if the two guys were kind of helping each other in a way so the first one wanted to come back and the 2nd one started acting different and sometimes would behave with me exactly in the ways I used to react with the first one when things got difficult.

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I know this is a 'support' thread, but I'm a long way from mastering the art of supporting someone in a situation that I see as bad news, probably because I'm also a long way off from mastering the art of dishing out the empty platitudes that people seem to want to make them feel good for a minute, but don't actually do anything to help the situation itself or them in the long run .

 

You've met two guys that have turned out to be bad news, which is just flat out bad luck. I'm sorry you had to deal with these guys, especially the one that's so lacking brain cells he thought sharing your diary with the entire planet was a good move. dry.gif

 

If I were you, I'd lose them both. I personally can't see any good in them and wouldn't want them in my life. You have to decide who you will let into your world and who you won't though, nobody can do that for you. Do the people in your world bring you up or bring you down? Do they make you happy or make you miserable? Do they inspire a feeling of calm and goodness in you or do they make your stomach tie into a knot dealing with them? You have to answer those questions for yourself and decide what you should do about it, if anything. When you find the answers to those kind of questions life becomes a whole lot less complicated and stressful.

 

I hope you get to a happier place very soon.

Edited by MedievalMystic

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So in school, I had to make this speech in Filipino (the local language here) class. The thing is I'm terrible at the language and I'm quite ashamed and embarrassed of that.

I was even more embarrassed of the draft I submitted because it's really short, basic and lacking details. When it was returned, my paper was full of corrections from my teacher, while almost everyone else's barely had any. A lot of people in my class a really smart because I'm in one of the two 'honor classes' but I'm just a regular student, because they mixed it up so it's not just all the smart ones in the class. (It's a long explanation)

 

Right now I'm just about to give up. I'm trying to revise it and it's already pretty late.

The presentation for the speech is tomorrow. Our teacher will be calling some random students to present in front of the class and I'm terrified.

I'm already failing this subject, and the teacher is pretty intimidating. unsure.gif

 

The periodical tests start next week too and I'm really scared for the Algebra and Filipino exams. Those are the two subjects I'm failing.

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Are you not Filipino, or do you just happen to be better with English? I assumed you just happen to not be a native so you had to learn the native language or something.

 

But anyway, I'd say to practice your speech a LOT. Do you have any friends/other adults that are good with the language? You might want to ask them for help.

 

When it comes time to give the speech...just do it! It seems hard, but I've found that getting over my stage fright was easy when I didn't even think about it and just *did it*. Rehearsal will help greatly since you'll be more prepared. Just remember to try to speak slowly and clearly, and only glance down at your paper/note cards (if you're allowed them) ahead of time only to see what you're going to talk about next. Don't read off of it unless you have a quote or something that you need to read.

 

After this is over, you might want to talk to your teachers! Both Algebra and your speech class. From the sounds of it, you need their help and you need it a lot. Go in for tutoring with them when you can.

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@Pixel G.: Aww, I know the feeling. Well, not completely as I never really pay attention whether I am in an honours class or not. I treat everyone as equals. Anyway, I myself have difficult times with Filipino but I somehow overcame all my Filipino subjects because I want to see my Filipino teachers as friendly. Ask them for help. They may look or sound intimidating but some people are just like that. Some people have a permanent frown in their face but when you talk to them, they are most friendly and accommodating.

 

Talk with your Filipino teacher. You won't know if you won't ask. Ask for help or advice on their consultation hours.

 

Also, speak the language regularly. To be honest, upto now my classmates say I have a Chinese accent when I speak Filipino albeit knowing how to speak in complete sentences. So I guess it can be learn? It's a skill.

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Thank you for the support and encouragement, Eef and georgexu. smile.gif

I'll work on it extra harder this year!

Edited by Pixel.G

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i'm so sorry about this but i need to get this out because i'm sick of keeping everything inside at this point

 

i've been struggling with gender issues for a while now and that's already putting so much stress on me, but it's even more irritating that my parents and sister refuse to accept it. i want to be called alex, for censorkip.gifs sake, not by my real name. i'm not a girl. i know that. and i don't know if i'm between genders or full-out ftm but they keep misgendering me and wont call me alex ("we'd mess you up with the cat!" censorkip.gifcensorkip.gif) and it's so. angering. i'm not a girl and they won't accept this. they said to me that they would accept me no matter what, but why the HELL am i supposed to believe this when they refuse to gender me properly and won't call me what i want?

 

i just started high school. i'm not in any position to have to be deciding my gender with the added stress of that. i'm not even 14. i'm 13. i'm a kid still. everyone's pressuring with college and grades and i can't even give a censorkip.gif about it with my gender issues and the drama in my family. i'm trapped having to give my sister's attendance in math class, because she's such a brat she won't even show up. she's 17. she's in her last year and only has to go for half a year, but she keeps throwing hissy fits over everything. so many tantrums have happened. i'm so sick of the yelling, it's so triggering, but she doesn't even care, it's all about her her her! and i'm not forgiving my parents for this, because they should be doing something to make her stop but my mom just keeps feeding it!

 

then there's all the added crap with my friend... i had an argument with her maybe 15 minutes ago? i'm not going into details but i'm so sick of this, it feels like everything is starting to get really hostile between us and i swear she's holding stuff back and won't tell me what it is, and that really makes me angry. she's my friend, she and i started talking because she cared about me, but i'm so tired of asking her if something's the matter or just asking a question she doesn't want to answer, and then and not getting a believable answer. i don't want to lose her, i care about her so much, but i just get so angry about this. and i know it's not like i'm not at fault here, but i'm so tired of getting answers that i feel are lies and her resistance to talking to me!

 

everything is so ridiculous, i'm so ****ing done. i'm losing energy for anything, and i can't even be bothered to do anything except sleep. i'm so ****ing done, i'm just so done. i dont want to go to school anymore, i want to just stay home and sleep all day and not care about anything bad.

 

okay. sorry about that rant. i'm done now. feel free to ignore me.

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Alex: I am so sorry to hear of your problems. It is a shame that your family is not accepting of your decisions. Do they ignore your requests to be called by your preferred nickname or do they talk with you about it and then just not do it?

 

I didn't have gender issues but at 14 I went away to high school and wanted to be called by a different nickname then my family had given me. My parents never did call me by my chosen name, and most of the rest of the family still called me by my hated small child name.

 

If you are desirous of spending the day in bed all the time, you may well be depressed and need medical help. Ask to see a doctor or try talking to the school nurse to ask for a referral for counseling. Pills may help, but talking it out with a professional is needed. Pills are not a miracle fix. They need to build up in your system to even help you cope. I know from personal experience.

 

Hang in there and see if you can't begin to speak with and work with a professional. Alex is a name that is for either gender. Many high school students want to choose a nickname or different name for their high school careers. Have you asked your parents why they won't or don't call you Alex?

 

I doubt this helped much but I hope you know we are behind you cheering you on. Take it one step at a time. Baby steps you can make and take towards solving a problem or issue. You have to overcome your problems one small step at a time as most of us aren't gifted with a miracle.

 

Good luck.

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If you do not have actual physical chemical imbalance and the problems stem from emotional strain, taking pills can actually cause chemical imbalance to develop, and therefore make things worse on very long term. Often, those are prescribed just so the psychiatrist can get the person out of the room and not bother with figuring out a way to solve the actual problem (something that a person in the field told me quite bluntly). Pills can and do help some people, but they definitely *aren't* the very first thing to look into, and they sometimes also make things much worse.

 

 

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Alex: Sorry to hear about that! D: Maybe in time they'll start to at least respect your wishes of being called Alex, even if they won't refer to you as male. Alex is a very unisex name after all. Maybe you can get them to call you Lex, or even Alexa/Lexi if they want something a bit more feminine? o3o (I realize you'd probably rather not be called something more feminine, but maybe it might help?) Lex/Lexi/Alexa would at least be slightly different from the cat's name, so they can't use that as an excuse. :P Honestly I don't understand why they would use it as an excuse at all.

 

At least what you CAN start doing is having friends and teachers and other people (like here online!) calling you Alex. Sometimes, if others start seeing that you basically are called that everywhere else, they'll be more likely to call you by that name instead. I know a guy who I actually knew when he was female and named Morgaine, and hadn't seen him in a while and never knew he had changed, so when I heard others calling him Liam I was so super confused for a while, but it did help me get used to it since everyone called him by that name.

 

Let your sister and parents deal with your sister. She's not your problem. If she doesn't show up, don't bail her out or anything. Let her flounder. If she can't fix her own problems, she's probably not ever going to until she flounders and realizes she needs to get her act together. But don't worry about her. Ignore her when she tries to trigger you. She wants to trigger you on purpose to get a rise out of you; it helps to keep her going. When you're not giving any feedback, she'll eventually die down and give up. It might be frustrating to deal with, but at least it will be less frustrating than when you give in and end up in arguments and other stuff with her.

 

If you're worried about your grades while also worrying about your gender and identity, maybe you should speak to a counselor or some of your teachers? If they don't know there's a problem, they can't help you. It might take some of them talking with your parents to get your parents to finally call you Alex and think of you as a boy, not a girl. c: If anything, they can at least help you with your grades and realize that all this drama is making you suffer a bit.

 

With your friend, I think maybe you might want to just back off for now, though making sure to tell her that you do care and that you're around if she needs you would be good, too. If you begin to grow apart and she'd rather not stay, while you might be able to try to convince her and build your relationship back up, don't force it. If you don't stay together, you don't stay together.

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Alex: I am so sorry to hear of your problems. It is a shame that your family is not accepting of your decisions. Do they ignore your requests to be called by your preferred nickname or do they talk with you about it and then just not do it?

 

I didn't have gender issues but at 14 I went away to high school and wanted to be called by a different nickname then my family had given me. My parents never did call me by my chosen name, and most of the rest of the family still called me by my hated small child name.

 

If you are desirous of spending the day in bed all the time, you may well be depressed and need medical help. Ask to see a doctor or try talking to the school nurse to ask for a referral for counseling. Pills may help, but talking it out with a professional is needed. Pills are not a miracle fix. They need to build up in your system to even help you cope. I know from personal experience.

 

Hang in there and see if you can't begin to speak with and work with a professional. Alex is a name that is for either gender. Many high school students want to choose a nickname or different name for their high school careers. Have you asked your parents why they won't or don't call you Alex?

 

I doubt this helped much but I hope you know we are behind you cheering you on. Take it one step at a time. Baby steps you can make and take towards solving a problem or issue. You have to overcome your problems one small step at a time as most of us aren't gifted with a miracle.

 

Good luck.

 

I said to them all once, "Call me Alex" and my dad's response? "No! Pick a different name! We'll mess you up with the cat!" and my mom and sister laughed. -.- And I have spoken with them about the fact that I'm not a girl, and they said to me that they didn't care what I was as long as I was happy, but they really aren't being truthful with that. They didn't accept my "coming out" as "lesbian" when I wasn't so torn about my gender, they make "boyfriend" jokes at me (obviously, now if it turns out I am a guy, I'm straight) and they clearly aren't accepting of this. My dad even said to my sister when I was trying to tell them my name preference, "[my name] is a girl who feels she identifies with both genders once in a while." That's not even close to the case. Once in a while I feel somewhat comfortable with being female, but the majority of the time, I'm not.

 

I received a diagnosis of depression, anxiety and anger issues sometime in late 2013, December-ish. But my parents have refused me medication from the start from when they actually started acknowledging that I have problems, don't really believe I'm mentally ill, and honestly, from my own experience I'm suspecting there's something else going on in the back of my head that those people totally missed out on. I don't really want to go into details because it's extremely terrifying to me, but another friend of mine who had suffered from depression said to me that what he had witnessed in a breakdown of mine was "FAR beyond depression".

 

Thank you for the support - it means a lot!

 

If you do not have actual physical chemical imbalance and the problems stem from emotional strain, taking pills can actually cause chemical imbalance to develop, and therefore make things worse on very long term. Often, those are prescribed just so the psychiatrist can get the person out of the room and not bother with figuring out a way to solve the actual problem (something that a person in the field told me quite bluntly). Pills can and do help some people, but they definitely *aren't* the very first thing to look into, and they sometimes also make things much worse.

 

I had an experience with a psychiatrist like the type you mentioned. I went in, answered the questions, and when she spoke to my parents and said she wanted me to go on medication, my parents refused like they always have. When they said that, she said at that point she couldn't help us if they wouldn't accept medications for me. So I guess there are a lot more of those types out there than I thought.

 

Alex: Sorry to hear about that! D: Maybe in time they'll start to at least respect your wishes of being called Alex, even if they won't refer to you as male. Alex is a very unisex name after all. Maybe you can get them to call you Lex, or even Alexa/Lexi if they want something a bit more feminine? o3o (I realize you'd probably rather not be called something more feminine, but maybe it might help?) Lex/Lexi/Alexa would at least be slightly different from the cat's name, so they can't use that as an excuse. tongue.gif Honestly I don't understand why they would use it as an excuse at all.

 

At least what you CAN start doing is having friends and teachers and other people (like here online!) calling you Alex. Sometimes, if others start seeing that you basically are called that everywhere else, they'll be more likely to call you by that name instead. I know a guy who I actually knew when he was female and named Morgaine, and hadn't seen him in a while and never knew he had changed, so when I heard others calling him Liam I was so super confused for a while, but it did help me get used to it since everyone called him by that name.

 

Let your sister and parents deal with your sister. She's not your problem. If she doesn't show up, don't bail her out or anything. Let her flounder. If she can't fix her own problems, she's probably not ever going to until she flounders and realizes she needs to get her act together. But don't worry about her. Ignore her when she tries to trigger you. She wants to trigger you on purpose to get a rise out of you; it helps to keep her going. When you're not giving any feedback, she'll eventually die down and give up. It might be frustrating to deal with, but at least it will be less frustrating than when you give in and end up in arguments and other stuff with her.

 

If you're worried about your grades while also worrying about your gender and identity, maybe you should speak to a counselor or some of your teachers? If they don't know there's a problem, they can't help you. It might take some of them talking with your parents to get your parents to finally call you Alex and think of you as a boy, not a girl. c: If anything, they can at least help you with your grades and realize that all this drama is making you suffer a bit.

 

With your friend, I think maybe you might want to just back off for now, though making sure to tell her that you do care and that you're around if she needs you would be good, too. If you begin to grow apart and she'd rather not stay, while you might be able to try to convince her and build your relationship back up, don't force it. If you don't stay together, you don't stay together.

 

I just think they don't want to believe they may have a transgender child, because honestly I'm suspecting that my gender issues are not something that is just going to "go away". I did have a period in my life when I was much younger, where I was really "girly", but I never conformed to the types of music the other girls listened to, I never really gave a crap about fashion, didn't understand the whole mess about celebrities, and just never truly was the type of "girl" you would see in that grade range. I guess my parents don't want to see past their "little girl" anymore, even though it's very very clear that I'm not happy like this.

 

I'm trying to get people to call me Alex - but it's so infuriating because my teachers won't either, they all refer to me by my actual name DESPITE THE FACT THAT I REQUESTED THEM NOT TO, and since the majority of people I talk to I've known since 8th grade, they all refer to me by the name I passed under as 8th grade (my actual name, which is really feminine). I'm trying to get it to change but it's super irritating.

 

The issue with my sister is, she's been "floundering" for years now, and still hasn't changed a bit. I actually doubt she's going to be going to college, but I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. The intentional triggers are really bad for me because they've lead to self-injury (not something I can discuss in this thread) and I'm really tired of just hearing bratty yelling so often. She's older than me, but I pretty much have to work to be an "only sibling" of a sort, and then she wonders why I never do anything with her, which drives me insane.

 

Honestly, I get the feeling that the majority of the counselors at school don't really give a censorkip.gif, but I'll give it a try. It's starting to get unbearable, and when I was stuck with a bunch of crap last year in 8th grade I wound up hospitalized and barely managed to pass the first two trimesters. I really don't want a repeat of that.

 

As for this friend, I just really am terrified of losing her or another friend of mine. They helped to pull me out of a really bad spot in my life and I don't want to be a dead weight on them, but I get the feeling me doing that is backfiring. She's said she doesn't abandon friends, but I've had people say they don't do that and then turn on me, so I'm just really stuck, and I really don't want to lose her. But thank you for the advice, I'm going to back off a bit.

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WARNING:

The following may be triggering to some people. Mention of drugs, violence, and sexual harassment is mentioned in the below paragraph. Read at your own risk.

END of Trigger Warning.

 

 

 

 

Hey guys I could really use some help...

 

I'm still a minor, 16, and my parents are currently going through a really nasty divorce. Well, my mom has been lying to the police and her attorney to try and get my dad thrown in jail... My dad is the only one who pays the bills. My mom hasn't had to pay any bills in seventeen years and has been too lazy to get a job in the five years we've been in Florida. They were supposed to go through a divorce when I was nine, but my mom begged and pleaded my dad to stay because she had cheated on him and was doing some harsh drugs. She was pretty much guaranteed to lose the divorce and her me like she had in the other TWO marriages.

My dad, being the sweethearted teddy bear that he is loved my mother so dearly that he took her back. Anyways, long story short, I have to go to court this Tuesday with my dad to testify against my mother... My mother has given me drugs and whatnot, but also threatened me that if I told that she'd never trust me again or something-or-other I don't know. My 20 year old sister has also testified against my mom, telling the courts that my mom has done cocaine with her. I'm afraid to do it but it's going to keep my dad out of jail. My mother has also lied to the courts, saying that my dad has beat her and has "thrown a remote so hard that it caused substantial dental damage" when in reality, she had really bad teeth and got all of them pulled to go get dentures.

My father is a modest man who believes that sex is the most sacred bond between two beings so when she said this next statement, I was utterly disgusted about the audacity my mother possessed to say this. She, and I quote, said "The respondent groped my breasts and genitalia in front of our minor daughter."......... Really? She's trying to put the only parent I've felt ever loved me in a jail cell so she can live off of alimony, half of his retirement, half of his disability pay, half of my disabled grandfather's money, and the money my father gets for me..

 

These questions I felt were too personal to ask in the advice thread... plus I need both a shoulder and advice...

What do I do in court....?

How do I avoid my mother?

More importantly, how do I tell my mom that what she's doing is completely and utterly disgusting and wrong?

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These questions I felt were too personal to ask in the advice thread... plus I need both a shoulder and advice...

What do I do in court....?

How do I avoid my mother?

More importantly, how do I tell my mom that what she's doing is completely and utterly disgusting and wrong?

1. Tell the truth. Seriously, considering that they expect you to, just tell the whole truth. Try not to interrupt either, even when you hear someone (your mom, her lawyer, etc) saying complete bull crap.

2. Hopefully, if you and your father win, he might be able to get full custody of you. c:

3. Even if you tell her, I doubt she'll be swayed at all. You can try, but it sounds like she's a pathological liar as well as just an abusive person. Women aren't usually abusive in the same way men are. Men can be mentally abusive, but they're more likely to be physically abusive. Women, however, tend to be emotionally and mentally abusive, as well as manipulative. She probably won't believe what she's doing is wrong, or she knows it and doesn't care. You might not affect her at all. Or, you might tell her and she'll try to play the victim card and try to make you feel sorry for her.

 

But really, you might be the only thing that will be the tie-breaker. Juries tend to favor mothers/women, especially if they try to claim that they were beaten, etc.

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1. What do I do in court....?

2. How do I avoid my mother?

3. More importantly, how do I tell my mom that what she's doing is completely and utterly disgusting and wrong?

 

1. I strongly second edwardelricfreak here. Tell the absolute truth. It would not be pleasant, having to talk about those things in front of other people, but stay strong and get it done. Should anyone say something very infuriating, just take a bit longer pause, calm your breathing, and continue then. Tell them everything. Her lying, how she really lost her teeth, how she tried to persuade you to do drugs with her. (Her saying she "won't trust you anymore if you tell others"? It, too, is emotional abuse. She tries to both distance you from other people and use you as a weapon against your father. Do not let her do it. She will only hurt you, your father and everyone else more.) It probably would not easy, but it is something you have to do for the sake of your own future, and your father's. Stay strong. In the end, it would be over, and your word may easily be what counts most.

 

2. Similarly, seconding edwardelricfreak. If you win the case, seek your father having full custody of you. Moreso, make sure to speak out for it yourself, and if necessary, do get a restraining order against your mother... I am serious here. That woman may be related to you by blood, but she is also harmful to you.

And forbid it from happening, but should you lose the case, contact child protective services, officials, anyone that may help you to get away from her. Do call police immediately if she brings out the drugs again, so that she can't just hide/clean those away and have her blood free of them when checked (a part of me wants to advocate secretly spilling them over the floor or something here, unless it may trigger a violent response from her upon noticing; definitely do not actually take what she offers). Do not consider talking to others afterwards or anything of the sort. Just call the police at once. When she is still high.

 

3. Regrettable as it is ... telling her is not bound to help. I've seen people try to change similar individuals for years, but even if they do seem to be decent for a while, they ultimately still have their poorer qualities within. More often than not, such attempts to change someone just come back and hit the good-doer in the face later on. A person may change their views, but an individual generally - barring severe alterations to the brain - cannot become a different person.

You said your mother begged to be taken back when divorce loomed overhead for the first time? You see what she is doing to your father now, after having given a second chance. Chances are she will do something similar to you, too. Talk of how you betrayed her and so on and so forth, make you doubt yourself, and then force you to do something you do not want to. It is a vicious circle.

Sad as it is, it is almost impossible for you to do something to change her. Most likely she will just see it as an opportunity to try to use you further.

 

 

(I will disagree with men/women being different kind of abusive, though... More so, it is simply easier for a woman to claim physical abuse against a man than vice versa. People tend to dismiss physical abuse against men, and men are less likely to admit it, since they are "supposed to be" stronger and bigger. I have seen plenty of chronically physically abusive women (personally I've not known a physically abusive man, but I have physically abusive women; because of one such I had to move out, even...), the same as I've seen several instances of emotionally abusive men who never raised a hand against anyone.)

Edited by Shienvien

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Thank you guys for the help, honestly. biggrin.gif It made me feel a lot better. Both of you guys provided a lot of insight, and I'm assuming you two are older (or at least more mature than I am) because I was honestly panicked. I'm sorry that you had to move out because of an abusive woman, Shienvien, I know what that's like. I'm currently living at my aunt's right now, an hour away from my school. I do agree with edwardelricfreak, courts do chose women over men more often than not, especially now since my mom claims all of these fake beatings and sexual harassment/borderline rape. But also, with Shienvien, I've never countered a physically abusive man, but I've encounter more physically abusive women than I can count on both of my hands...

 

There are still some things I just need help over coming..

My mom, any time that I've been alone with her in a car, she talks bad about my dad, whether they were doing good or not, and if I didn't talk about him behind his back as well, I was a worthless kid who doesn't have a mind of my own... She constantly tells me that my dad's brainwashed me and tells me that it's okay and that I'll see what happens in court when this is over with... But then she counters everything and tells me she loves me. It's really confusing, and it's sad to say but I really do hate this person she is. She's been like this her whole life and has three other kids from two other marriages who never picked her when they went through their divorce... Granted, my oldest sister Lindsey got pregnant at fourteen, my other sister at seventeen, and my brother has been proven to have psychological disorders, and not that this is a bad thing (because I actively SUPPORT gay rights, not that it matters) but he's gay and doctor's say it's because there wasn't a man in his life (he lived with my grandmother.)

Some of the things my mother's said to me completely tore me up though... Like, my aunt was kind of abandoned by her father. When I mean kind of I mean that he has three kids and claims to have only one. He mentally and emotionally abused her until she said "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything to me at all" and since then, they've never spoken... Well my mom told my dad that she finally understood why Paul treated my aunt that way and felt that way about her.....

Ouch.

She's also physically threatened me and used to tell me I needed my "ass beat"..... She said to me one time "When you think you're big enough." ....

 

Another thing is, she's telling the courts that my dad is such a big bad mean guy and that I need to live with her, yet why hasn't she told me to come home or even spoken to me since Monday (it's Sunday now.) Almost a week. So, if a mother really wanted to protect her child against an awful abusive piece of crap like my dad, wouldn't she check up on me or tell me to come home?

 

Sorry if I'm ranting but Jesus I'm so confused. My thoughts are all jumbled, so I know I'm jumping around topics a lot hhhhh...

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I'm just saying, men tend to be physical abusers more than women. That's not to say women can't be physically abusive, or that an abuser can be, in every way, abusive. Also when I mean one is more physical and one is more mental, I mean that they're more predominantly that. They still might do just about everything, but they mostly fall back on one form or another. I'm also not saying that men can't be abused, because they can, and I definitely think that's overlooked a LOT.

 

Either way, it still sounds like she's an awful person. :U

 

"I was a worthless kid who doesn't have a mind of my own" - so she wants you to basically repeat everything she's saying? That also sounds like you would be brainwashed and still not have a mind of your own.

 

This constant abuse and then following it up with "I love you!"s is exactly what a manipulative, abusive person does. They abuse you and when you think you should leave, they come back with "I'm sorry I didn't mean it" "I love you" "It won't happen again" "I just want to do what's best for you" etc. They might make some excuse as to why they acted that way.

 

I can tell you one thing, her other children probably ended up that way BECAUSE they were abused by her. That's a trend that I've seen happen. I just hope those other kids don't end up abusers themselves. I'm sorry about your brother, too. Why the hell would DOCTORS be saying bull crap like that!? It makes no difference if someone has a father or not. There are countless people who HAVE had men in their lives (fathers included) and are still gay.

 

Yup, sounds like your mom learned and inherited a lot of her behavior from her father. Abused children are more likely to end up abusive themselves and the horrible cycle continues :c

 

Honestly, I think, if you're having a hard time trying to tell the truth in court, you might just use these posts as evidence. Generally, anonymity gives one the strength to speak their mind more freely and readily, so basically you now have a confession right here. c:

Edited by edwardelricfreak

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Actually the "women receive custody" thing is a bit skewed. You have to know the background to understand why this is. It isn't just that courts prefer women to receive and take care of the children. Most custody cases are decided out of court and agreed on/made legal in court. Women do receive custody most of the time because they are the ones asking for it. When men, particularly abusive men/men whose wives have filed domestic violence suits against them, ask for custody, the majority of the time, they receive it. Women only receive custody more overall because more women ask for custody more.

 

While your mother is the abusive one here, if your dad asks for custody, I think there is a good chance he will receive it - and for your and your sibling(s?) sake, I hope he does. (I believe he's asking for custody or did I just make assumptions? I'm not sure all the legalities if he could go to jail - all based on your mom's lies - what is allowed.)

 

(Also on abuse, even in cases where men are being abused, men are more often the abusers. Women and nonbinary people can and do abuse and of course statistics are always going to be skewed overall because emotional/verbal abuse is not as well defined as physical abuse - so it is very hard to tally up and actually study, but just to note. There are abusers who aren't men, but the majority of abusers do seem to be men.)

 

I don't think I can give any better court advice than has already been given, but I just wanted to pop in and clear that up because it's a common myth. Good luck in court! I know it must be hard to work up the courage to do, but it sounds like you do have some support around, like your aunt. Just take it day by day and you can get through this. <3

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Glad I could offer some support.

 

(The abusive woman I referred to was a roommate back when I was in university and lived in three cities at once; it did not came to actual blows between me and her, but by then I had found out she had seriously beaten people up before, she was very aggressive overall, there was a time when I went and physically stood between her and someone else so she wouldn't assault them, and in the end I just decided that I am out of there. Some years later I found out she was thrown in jail for stabbing someone. Would certainly not have wanted to get into another knife-fight barehanded...)

 

And oh dear... Your mother truly has been abusive towards you (make sure to mention the threats of physical violence towards you in court, too; there is no guarantee that she is not going to act on her threats). What you described is indeed the staple of abusive manipulative behaviour. Making you doubt yourself is intentional. She wants to control you and your "output", and making you confused and doubtful of her intentions is her weapon.

 

 

@Sock: In some countries there are laws in place which state that in case of unclear standings, the mother will win custody. (My country is one such.) And you cannot completely disregard the emotional factor when both parents equally try to obtain the rights. Though indeed, women also tend to try to lay claims to custody claims notably more often. (If we wanted clear statistics, we should look at only the occasions where both parents tried to make the claim.)

 

I also still strongly disagree with the notion that men are abusive more often than women (especially if we look at chronic abusiveness and instigations of violence) ... but it is a topic for another thread.

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Again, thanks guys.

 

edwardelricfreak, I'm not even supposed to be talking to anyone about any of this, it could get my dad in a lot of trouble but sometimes, especially as a teenager, you don't know how to handle all of these hard situations coming down at you all at once. Plus I have no clue how I'd get all of these statements to the Judge's Chambers or when I'm testifying. I just found out that I'm testifying and my stress just skyrocketed.

 

SockPuppetStrangler, while I agree that men tend to be more physically abusive by what the statistics say, I feel like women are ignored because as Shienvien said (I believe) men are "stronger" and therefore can't be abused or bullied by a woman. As for the custody thing, yes women do file more but it depends on the state you live in mostly. Florida is a, and most states are, woman states. They like to see the child stay with the woman because they believe its the best environment for them. I have a friend who's in her mother's custody and her mother is a druggy and physically abuses her. And she was literally chosen because "the child should not be separated from the birthgiver."..... (By the way I'm actually kind excited you even talked to me or at least commented on the post. It's like when a famous person notices you, haha.)

 

Shienvien, she's really, REALLY confusing... I can't decide if I'm worthless or if I'm worth something *sigh* I'm actually afraid to testify against her. She gives these awful, intimidating glares...

 

Geeze if it wasn't for this thread, I would've had an anxiety or panic attack by now.

Edited by Eclipseheart

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I can't decide if I'm worthless or if I'm worth something *sigh* I'm actually afraid to testify against her. She gives these awful, intimidating glares...
You are not worthless. No person who wants to do anything at all is worthless. She however, wants to use you, like a mere tool, and this is not something any person should do to another. She is not a good individual, and she is not good for you, your father, your siblings... Chances are she has hurt other people, too, and will hurt more if allowed to continue. You know for a fact that she is lying in court. And people who lie that blatantly and without fear of repercussions can be expected to lie to everyone. You cannot expect her to be truthful with you.

 

I understand that she can be very intimidating and persuasive, but you have to keep in mind that when you win this case and your father gets custody of you, it would be over. You would be free, at last. She would not be able to hurt you, or make you doubt yourself, or try to force you to do drugs, or attack you. Not anymore. It would be far worse for you to spend the next two years with her about than to get it done and over with now.

 

I reiterate - stay strong and get it done. And let us know how thins went (in PM, if you don't want it to be public). We will be right here. I know for a fact that I would not be going anywhere.

 

 

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Shienvien, she's really, REALLY confusing... I can't decide if I'm worthless or if I'm worth something *sigh* I'm actually afraid to testify against her. She gives these awful, intimidating glares...

Your worth is not determined by what other people think of you, especially wen those people are abusive. Try to look over her if you have to look in her direction in court. Otherwise perhaps try to focus on anybody in the court who came to support you when you can. It could help you feel stronger against your mom. It sucks that you have to be in the same room with her to testify!

 

*offers hugs*

 

~

 

Emeraldmay - It definitely sounds like the house needs some time to adjust. It wouldn't hurt for your mom to join some kind of a group or forum for parents of autistic children for good parenting tips or something. It sounds like maybe (dunno if it was like this before?) she's afraid to really parent because of the autistic diagnosis? But autistic people are people, too, and treating them like pariahs does no one any good. Your sister is the same old sister you all have known, even if she's acting like a brat now. It might also help to do some family counseling to try and repair relationships a little and start working more as a family again. But I don't know how much you can suggest to your mom and it sounds like you may not be able to afford it? It could be worth looking into, though.

 

As for school - well, anybody in that relationship would probably see a drop in the quality of their schoolwork! Can you hang out at the library to study? Is there free tutoring offered where you could get some extra help to get back to where you were? I'm in the US, so I'm not exactly sure what exactly results you're talking about, but can you talk to your teachers? Perhaps explain your situation a bit and say you know your work has been slipping, but you really want to get back to where you were and that you would like to get into a good university and ask what you can do or if the teacher has any tips of what you should focus on.

I also think you could really benefit from talking to the school counselor if you have one to work out what's going on at home by yourself and such. They might have good tips for dealing with the loud walking and stuff that could help you!

 

I know it doesn't feel great, but it's great that you recognize when you need to prioritize school! It doesn't sound like you are never hanging out with people, just being responsible about studying. Not everyone may understand, but you are helping yourself and doing what you need to be doing.

 

I have had friends not get along before - it sucks! In my case, I just left separate groups separate (gymnastics friends I didn't invite to things with school friends, etc.), but in your case I don't think that will work. You need to tell your friend that you having other friends does not diminish how much you care for her. Tell her you love her, but you deserve to have your own life and your own friends - she shouldn't be controlling that. If she can't handle you hanging out with other people then you can't hang out with her. You will make time for her, but she needs to be nice to your other friends because even if she doesn't like them, you do. Cut her off anytime she tries to talk down to your friends, in private or public. Jealousy sucks, but she shouldn't be putting that on you or acting horrible to your friends because of that. She needs to deal with that on her own and respect that you are your own person. You are not being friends with other people to hurt you, but what she is doing to you is hurting you. If she cannot behave herself, it may be better to extract yourself from her as much as possible, although I know that hurts. Friends shouldn't hurt each other like that, though. We are allowed to have more than one friend. D:

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Thanks Sock ;n;

*takes hugs*

 

I’m not too great at the whole being emotional thing, so I’m just going to splurge it all out into one convulted heap and try and…I’m not too sure what I want from this thread. I don’t want false comfort, and I don’t need to be told to deal with it. I know I have to keep going, and I am, but my god it hurts.

 

Let’s start with family. My elder sister is autistic, but somehow seems to have twisted it around to make her the queen of the house. She frequently favours my younger brother over my younger sister, even stepping in for him in arguments when he is obviously in the wrong, and spends so much money on herself, clothing and stuff. “I need a new winter wardrobe.” When she just spent 200 quid on a “summer wardrobe.” My family has never been too into fashion and having loads of clothes, but she’s taking it to the other extreme. I have one black skirt I use for work/formal events. She has four. And she never leaves the house. Ever.

She hardly goes to school anymore, and just walks around the house all day. Loudly. It hurts, and I have my music as high as I can go to block her out. My dad lets her do whatever she wants, and my mum gets yelled at if she says anything. If I even step into the area which she walks about in, I get passive aggressive looks and stares. Then she never does anything, like lay the table or tidy, but every time I do something extra she always goes “Ooh you should have asked me for help, I feel so bad.” We only have one computer between the three other children in my house (I get my own because I actually need it for work), and she hogs it all the time, having a temper tantrum when she doesn’t get it. There’s six people, and we have four computers (I know it sounds really rich, but two are ridiculously old, and the other two are for work.), but I’ve had to stop what I’m working on because my mum promised my brother he could play on some game, but she wanted to go on.

Everyone seems to walk on eggshells around her. One small thing, and she’ll blow up, screaming, shouting, harming, the lot. Then she’ll always phone my dad. She doesn’t listen to my mum any more. She spends her life trying to split them up, and they’re almost at the breaking point as it is. So once she tears my dad away from whatever he’s doing, he drives back, and she always starts it later that evening. She sleeps in to two each day, and then goes to bed around three. She eats what she wants out of the fridge (we have two fridges, one for the ‘current’ food, and one for food that’s been saved for later. Guess which one she eats from). She was nothing like this before the diagnosis.

 

I hate her. I know it seems harsh, but when she’s there moaning at me about how much work she has, and I’m sitting there with my 100 hours of project work…I hate her. And then everytime I try to call her up on something, she starts yelling, and can’t be reasoned with. At all. And then the younger ones start crying, and.

I’m not allowed to have friends around because of her. Two people in the last six years, both timed when she was out. I’m the stupid taking friend who always goes to other people’s houses, and she’s allowed to have friends over. Everyone is, except me.

 

And then, there’s grades. I was doing so well in my practice papers, predicted As etc. then I got my results, which were terrible. I don’t know what went wrong, but now I need to do resits, and I doubt I’m going to get an offer into university, and I just don’t know what to do. I just work work work atm, but I’m just so terrified and I hate it. I may be forced to drop chemistry next year, which I really don’t want to do at all, but the school might not let me continue because it was my worst. I was planning on dropping biology, but then I can’t because it was my best grade and now I don’t know what to do with my subject choices, as this was the last thing I predicted happening.

 

Then let’s get onto my friends. I have a ‘best friend’ who I hardly talk too, and gets jealous and possessive when I talk to anyone else, to the point where I give up on the friendship. But then she sends me this text about how much she misses me, how sad she is we don’t talk anymore, how we need to have lunch together once a week… I just don’t know what to do anymore. And I’m in a lunch club with her, where she sits next to me, and its great.

 

But then she hates all my other friends. None of them seem to like each other. I have one main group, full of people I like and who like me, but I’m not sure if I’m fully accepted by all of them yet. Still, it’s fine. Then  I have other friends to talk too, and they’re always gossiping about each other and it just drives me apart. I can’t talk to one friend when another girl spent an hour the day before telling me how she was spreading bad rumours about me. This is going to sound conceited, but everyone likes me. I’m not popular, but I’m the ‘nice’ girl, I talk to everyone. And then there’s the stereotypical loner girl, who is apparatnly horrible to my best friend, but I keep trying to reach out to her and then she goes all mean and…urgh. And then, if I try and get work done everyone wants me to hang out, and stuff, but then they won’t take no for an answer. I’m happy to go out of my way for people, but not when I have a test next period.

 

Thanks for reading I guess.

Although I can't offer you much help on your situation with having an autistic sister, I'm very sorry you have to go through that. This may sound cruel, but I've always been a firm believer that no one, no matter if they are disabled or not, should be allowed to talk to or treat others the way that you say she does. I have a handicapped grandfather who used to run over my feet and legs with his steel wheelchair when I was younger and who terrified me for hours until my parents came come, so I can relate, just not in the same ways I suppose. I'm very sorry you also have to watch her try and break your parents up, I do, in fact, know how tough a situation like that can be.

 

As for your situation with the friends, the best advice I can give you is to set boundaries and stick to them. Your friends should understand and work with you, school, by far, is more important than any social life... Granted, when they can be balanced, that's even better. I've been in your situation. I had near a 3.5 GPA. I did everything my friend's wanted me to do, even let a jealous and manipulative friend like you've got run all my other friends away. I had a 2.83 GPA last year because of that, and I've always been a good student. I knew everything in my class, but those people just drove me down.

I'd mention to your best friend that this kind of behavior is unacceptable and how it makes you feel, if she still doesn't understand or isn't willing to be reasoned with, I would find an alternative. Being in a manipulative relationship, whether it be with a friend or with a family member doesn't make it any better, and sometimes it can make it hurt worse depending on who it is.

 

I'm sorry for my rambling, to clarify all of the above text (if you don't want to read) is to set boundaries and goals for yourself. Just think, once you're out of that house and past your studies, there's life out there, and life is more merciful than some adolescent times. To that advice, I also suggest you sit down and set aside at least ten minutes a day for yourself to take a breather. Just remember to take one day at a time and it will get better.

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So, I've transferred schools twice. At the first college I attended, I studied music education for two years. It ended badly. As in, really badly. My professor wrecked my voice, I started having panic attacks, and I ended up needing medication to get through finals and then started going to therapy and was diagnosed with depression, general anxiety, and symptoms of post traumatic stress because of that school.

 

Emotionally, I'm in a better state now. But, having to leave that school is still something I struggle with, because it kind of killed my chance to become a school music teacher, and I look at people who managed to graduate and wonder what they have that makes them better than me. It's way better, but I still have trouble trusting teachers--especially music teachers--and I have this feeling of having to continuously prove that I really am worth teaching and that investing time in me wasn't a mistake. I've had a couple professors who I worked closely with tell me over and over again not to work myself to death, but I can never shake the feeling that if I do something wrong or don't finish a task quickly enough I'm going to make them regret having bothered with me at all, forget about me, and move onto someone more worthy of their time.

 

Anyway. I don't like seeing people from the first school I went to, least of all people I took classes with who did manage to graduate. Maybe it's petty, but it feels like a reminder of my own shortcomings and it makes me feel really insecure and it brings back some pretty bad memories.

 

Well, I work teaching private music lessons. I've been working at the same store for nearly three years. About a year and a half, maybe a little less, ago, someone from the music education program I was in came to work there. I hated it. I felt like the simple act of him being there was pushing me out. I ended up projecting a lot of my own self-doubt onto him--he must think I'm incompetent because I didn't graduate. Does he talk to other people here about me? Is everyone else going to talk to him and suddenly decide I'm no good anymore? I spent a lot of time avoiding him because being around him made me too uncomfortable. If, when I had a break, he was out in the lobby, I'd spend the break in my room. But I wouldn't use the spare time to practice because I was too afraid he'd over hear and think to himself that he could see why I didn't succeed in that program. On the rare occasions we did speak, offhand comments that I'm sure were meant innocently made me angry and defensive. He asked me if I remembered the piano proficiency exam, and I immediately felt defensive and annoyed, because I passed it and practiced just as much as he did. How could I not remember?

 

It just derailed any sense of security I felt at work.

 

Slowly, it got better, just by virtue of the fact that I could only avoid him for so long when we were working in the same place. For a while I absolutely hated him and resented him. Now, he's still not my favorite person, but I can hold a conversation with him without remembering every bad thing that ever happened at school and feeling like I'm somehow unworthy in comparison to him.

 

But, today I heard him talking to someone else at the store about getting someone else from the school we went to teaching there. At first, I'd hoped it was someone I wouldn't know. No such luck. It's someone who was in the same freshman class as me, but who made it beyond the first two years. I saw him around. We had theory classes together. We sang the same choir freshman year.

 

Maybe it's stupid, but the idea of him coming to teach in the same place as me really, really bothers me. After hearing it, I had a brief moment of wondering if I could shuffle students so I wouldn't be teaching as many days a week. He's not a bad guy. We'd probably get along fine if I met him at work and only knew him from there.

 

But coming to terms with that part of my life has been a real struggle. It still sticks with me and interferes with my relationships with people. I'm afraid that seeing yet another person from that part of my life on a regular basis is going to bring back all the memories I don't want and undo a lot of the progress I've made in putting it behind me. And, you know what? I like my job. I like most of the people there, too. I really don't want to go back to being horribly insecure and feeling displaced, like I suddenly don't belong. I don't want to go back to being afraid to interact with people or use breaks between lessons to practice, in case this guy I used to go to school with hears and thinks I'm stupid and incompetent. I don't want to go back to having to constantly feel like I have to prove I'm not a worthless teacher and a worse musician. I'm not! I'm a good musician and my kids like me. But, somehow I couldn't think that way when the first person from school started working there, and I'm really afraid I won't be able to again if this new person from school does start.

 

I was supposed to do an opera workshop over the summer. It ended up being cancelled anyway, but before that I was seriously considering bailing because I got wind of the fact that someone else I used to go to school with was considering doing it too and I really didn't think I could bring myself to face her, never mind collaborate on a production with her.

 

It's probably really stupid, but the idea of having to face people from school is deeply unsettling for me. I feel like if this person does come to work in the same place as me, I'll go back to dreading having to be there and hiding in my room all the time. I also used to have a lot of nightmares about school, and they got worse after the first time I had to work with someone from school again. They mostly went away, but started again when I was afraid I'd have to see someone at the opera workshop. They're gone again, but I'm afraid they'll come back if this person does start working at the store. I developed test anxiety, which has gotten better, but I'm afraid it'll come back again because everything that caused it will suddenly be shoved right back in my face.

 

I feel like as much as I try to get away from the past and figure out how to make do with the present, it keeps chasing me down.

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I do agree with edwardelricfreak, courts do chose women over men more often than not, especially now since my mom claims all of these fake beatings and sexual harassment/borderline rape. But also, with Shienvien, I've never countered a physically abusive man, but I've encounter more physically abusive women than I can count on both of my hands...

Late to the party but just one thing - you aren't THAT young any more. I don't know how things are where yo live, but I do know of two divorces recently, far less charged than this one, where children as young as 9 were consulted by social workers - in a room WITHOUT their parents, and where they got to chat about things (the funniest bit I heard - the parents were allowed to hear some of it afterwards - was the 9 y/o kid who said innocently of his father's new wife while chatting happily: "and I'm not supposed to say I don't like x, so I won't") - and their views on where they were to live were genuinely taken into account. SAY you want to live with your father, and why, every chance you get. No judge can fail to hear you say it. (And don't forget to mention how she always badmouths him and he never says a word against her...)

 

So your mother will "never trust you again". Why would you care ? Why would she need to ?

 

Tell the truth and shame the devil ! Good luck.

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Emeraldmay - It definitely sounds like the house needs some time to adjust. It wouldn't hurt for your mom to join some kind of a group or forum for parents of autistic children for good parenting tips or something. It sounds like maybe (dunno if it was like this before?) she's afraid to really parent because of the autistic diagnosis? But autistic people are people, too, and treating them like pariahs does no one any good. Your sister is the same old sister you all have known, even if she's acting like a brat now. It might also help to do some family counseling to try and repair relationships a little and start working more as a family again. But I don't know how much you can suggest to your mom and it sounds like you may not be able to afford it? It could be worth looking into, though.

Emeraldmay - I am in the UK too (at the moment !) and when a child in our family was diagnosed, the parents were immediately offered parenting autistic children classes. The father - who didn't really get it at all - has come to see that his child does need special treatment - but not giving in every time. It's really important to get this right , not least for your sister, who will otherwise grow up lonely and unhappy - see if your parents will look into that

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