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Obscure_Trash

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I always thought I had a good relationship with my mother (59). My brother and I rented out an apartment for a year and just recently moved back in to our parents place. My brother is a highly functioning autistic adult and we were supposed to be moving to Florida together; which we discovered that we didn't want to live with each other anymore. I work for Walmart over in Online Grocery Pickup and it has exhausted me in recent months due to the pandemic (just made 6 years a couple days ago). 

 

What basically happened was was that I was asking my mom about possible jobs that I can apply to and both her and my stepdad are livid at me. Only my mom talked to me saying that I don't do my best to make myself decent, that I have the patience roadrunner to my brother (I ended up losing a lot of my patience due to him being able to conplain and grip about his work and i couldn't do the same back- he always barged into my room without knocking first and basically I got tired of him playing Fortnight); not to mention that she said I became very bitter and self centered during this past year. While it's true that they had to fight me to get to do chores in my teenager years- 6 years later as an adult and it's hard to do chores when working at Walmart.

 

My mom said that I became the person that they thought our oldest brother was going to become later in life and that she was very disappointed in me. She said that the past year was a complete failure and that it wasn't my brother's fault (implying that I'm the failure). She hates that I am always on Discord talking to people that I can relate to and talk in my free time because I'm always too tired to go anywhere. 

 

I don't really know what to do at this point or where to go. I really just want to avoid them but... I can't in this current situation. 

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Warning: this post contains LGBT+ content. If you're going to hate on that or on me than please leave. I can't take it.

So, I live in an extremely strict catholic household. Everybody is homophobic, transphobic, ect. They do not support the LGBT+ community and as far as I'm concerned do not approve of furries either. I've lived here for 14 years of my life. I've lived 14 years of my life the wrong gender, fitting my parents fake standers, pretending to be somebody I'm not.

And I can no longer take it. I'm not okay.

My dysphoria is acting up, I want my hair cut, I can't find my chest binder (pretty sure they threw it out), I can't find my tan pants from the mens section or my trans pride flag either. This is making me go crazy. I'm forced to live in a girl's body even though I'm not female and I can't tell anybody about it because they'll tell me 'it's a phase' or 'that doesn't exist.' I know this because I once tried to come out to them as trans and these are some things they said. I'm in a dark pit of depression and need help before I fall too deep.

So please, any advice to help my mental health?

My parents (Mostly my dad) openly fat shame me and it sucks. They also insult me at least twice a day. Coupled with my depression doesn't make a healthy or happy person.

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Morphie - I have a relative who is also stuck in the wrong body too, and who has Generalised Anxiety Disorder and also autism. (He is, however, supported in all this by most family members, I realise that makes it a bit easier for him.) He finds on line trans forums of people really helpful. The big thing is to remember that you are not alone.

 

@Dalek It's tough living with anyone with autism. It will stay that way until you move out, I'm sorry to say. But if your parents are unsupportive - you are (by your profile) old enough to ignore them, however much it hurts. You are yourself, not the person they describe you as. Is there no way you can move out - without your brother ? He isn't actually your responsibility. It almost sounds as though they expect you to take care of him.  If you need to be on Discord - fine - but have you friends you can spend time with, away from your parents ?

 

It also sounds as though your stepdad might have changed your mother's attitude - when did she take up with him ?

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Posted (edited)

@Fuzzbucket I have no friends in real life because of where i live. We moved so many times in my childhood that I found it easier to relate to people online than talking and making friends. Even if I did have friends before I'd always have to go to their house since no one would want to come out here. But yes, you're right when you say that, I'm trying to find something so I can move out of my current situation otherwise I'd just take my cat and necessary items and just drive away. 

 

The only thing that's really keeping me here is money issues rn. The apartment we rented took a good chunk of the money I had saved. 

 

Edit: I haven't talked to anyone since the other night because I'm angry with them. Mom also told me that they were considering to move me out to stepdad's shop (which I honestly wouldn't mind at this point- it's a separate building on the property). I don't think she realised that she just destroyed our relationship with that phrase and that i don't want to do anything with them anymore

 

Big Update: My mom is basically forcing me to move out again and I have no where to go. She said it hurt her for her to say those things and when I tried talking, she shut me down

Edited by Dalek

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Well - it may be tough - but it may well end up with your feeling better. Will she let you live in the shop ?

 

But try to look on it as a new beginning, hard though it will be.

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@Morphie

You might want to try and call the Lifeline. While it is quite drastically called "https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/" they generally give free and confidential support for people in distress. Maybe they can also direct you to people who can help you with finding a way to get into the "proper" body (AFAIK it is easier if people start as early as possible with the hormone therapy), although I have no idea how this is funded in the US.

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Posted (edited)

@Fuzzbucket the problem is I have no where to go and no one to turn to; and I don't thibk they're going to offer the shop 

Edited by Dalek

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I don't know where you are - but I'd start with asking the Salvation Army for advice. They are quite amazing. (No I'm not religious - they will help anyone who asks.)

 

One thing though - and don't take it the wrong way. DO be careful not to get into a "yes, BUT" frame of mind. If you take the line that anything anyone suggests can't work "because", you will never get out of this situation. If they were beating you to a pulp, you'd find a way to leave, Imagine that's the way things are; what will you do now ?

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@Fuzzbucket update on that, stepdad wants me to change who I am and start applying myself more to talking with them and other people. I don't want to give up gaming and changing what i love to do just for the sake to please them. I don't know how to talk to them without them coming down on me

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Posted (edited)

Then you have to leave. OR comply, of course. But it IS your choice - however hard it is.

 

Or - if he will go along with it - agree some sort of deal - you will talk to them at x time or for x hours a day, and they will agree not to come down on you, and will leave you alone the rest of the time.

 

Was it like this before your stepdad came into the picture, though ?

Edited by Fuzzbucket

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1 hour ago, Fuzzbucket said:

Then you have to leave. OR comply, of course. But it IS your choice - however hard it is.

 

Or - if he will go along with it - agree some sort of deal - you will talk to them at x time or for x hours a day, and they will agree not to come down on you, and will leave you alone the rest of the time.

 

Was it like this before your stepdad came into the picture, though ?

Honestly, I couldn't tell you. He's been part of our lives ever simce before my teenager years but i always loved playing video games and whatnot. Kind of surprised at this behaviour from them tbh. I am an adult and they're the ones throwing the fit over the choices I make and yet they're telling me to be the adult. 

 

And yes, as soon as I find something affordable after putting up with it for a bit, I will move and ho no contact with any of them. Should they support me in my choices no matter what I do though? I feel like none of them understand the world of technology and how much easier it is for me to relate to people. I really don't know how to get them to understand that I feel much more comfortable being myself online than other people; not to mention less pressured; without them yelling at me. 

 

Yeah, I admit I let myself become addicted to all this but I can still talk to my friends and do stuff 

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Posted (edited)

It's a shame that they don't understand on line contact, sure. But if it frightens them that that is your primary interaction with other people, I can see where they are coming from - especially if it is primarily gaming. Internet addiction is a really serious thing and can actually do serious damage. It can also be frightening to watch in someone we care about.

 

Try to explain about the yelling thing and how that makes it harder for you to try to relate to them ? Write down very carefully how you feel about all this stuff; why on line is so important; what you are prepared to do to accommodate their fears (you are living in their house, and as we see so often on Judge Judy, "Their house, their rules".)

 

There is, to be honest, no "should" about supporting choices , though. They could, after all, argue that you should support them in their choices - to have you help with chores and interact with them more. It's more a matter of compromise. Have they said NO internet, NO gaming ?

Edited by Fuzzbucket

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Honestly, I'm not even on the internet all the time- I have a real actual job that I have to interact with people (and they really don't want me to "freeload"?) But no, they haven't said no internet/gaming but they want me to spend less time from it. 

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Posted (edited)

@Dalek

What about setting up a proper schedule? You might even benefit from such in the way that more structure in your day gives you time to do things you haven thought about.

 

I would suggest you write a letter like Fuzzbucket suggested where you explain that you feel intimidated by their yelling as soon as you try to discuss things and ask whether it would be possible to sit down and calmly discuss stuff. And when you go about the discussion, best write a short paper where you put down keywords which you want to address with numbers and between each line write a big "breathe slowly, keep calm" for yourself, as it is very likely that not only your parents get upset, but you, too.

 

Then suggest the schedule/time table idea. E.g. you get up, sit down with them for breakfast for half an hour, then help tidying up there for another half hour before going to work. When you come from work, tell them you need at least one hour to relax, where you can game. Then set up an hour family time, maybe watch TV with them, talk, then get another hour of online time, then maybe dinner with them where you'd have some more interaction time, and the evening should be yours again.

 

Wouldn't that be a workable idea, at least for the time until you can move out?

 

Edited by Astreya
I really hate typos

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That kind of thing exactly, Astreya. It does need to involve give as well as take. You feel they are unreasonable. Bear in mind that they feel that way about you too - and I suspect they are also worried about you. Being a parent is hell. I know this.

 

It's mutual, and it needs a mutual solution.

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Posted (edited)

@Dalek

I gonna try to keep this short (lol)since I'm limited to a spazzy phone till I get my internet hooked up in my new place. 

 

Sometimes no matter which method you use some people are stuck in how they think and treat others.  I'm not gonna get deep into my family issues for the aforementioned reason. Just a short bit of info to understand the context of my situation. I was dealing with a brother who is a drug addict, was very abusive to me hung out with gang members who were known for abusing girls and a mother who refused to listen and put the blame on me and that I was the problem. if you think I didn't try every possible method to communicate with them,  you'd be dead wrong.  I tried talking reasonably and calm to explain things to them. I have tried writing it down like you all have mentioned.  I have tried to have others mediate.  Many many ways did I try. Not one worked  Sometimes you have to accept that you can't reason or reach them with any method.  You though are the one with the power to let the way they talk and treat you, hurt you  Understand the problem is with them not you. If you want to live your life your way your gonna have to do the work.  Save your money, get your own place and if they still won't treat you with respect, you tell them if they don't you won't have anything to do with them until they do. Don't feel obligated to move in with your brother while he is family he isn't your child and not your responsibility, don't feel guilty for not wanting what your parents do cause it's your life not theirs.  Do what will make you the happiest even if you have to sever ties with your family. In the end that might be the only real thing you can do. 

 

Also I was given dishes as my chore growing up,  I hated it and would refuse to do them.  Perversely I won't let anyone else do the dishes now, growing up with a drug addict or I should say more than one since my mom is one too just a higher functioning one. He isn't the cleanest person so I became slightly germaphobic and don't feel others are cleaning the dishes good enough. 🙃

 

As for the internet/gaming it goes back to how bad do you want to live your life your way.  For a time you might need to sacrifice a bit more of your online/gaming time if you want to leave on your terms and as fast as you can.  Cut back on any frivolous spending save every penny you can. Only you can decide just how determined you are to live freely and how much and how far you'll go to achieve your goals. I support you and I know you can do it. Don't let anyone hold you back, even yourself,  don't doubt yourself or your self-worth. You are strong and brave enough to do this your way!

 

  My opinion is I wouldn't suggest moving to Florida if you find you don't like it here it can be really hard to save up to leave, you could get stuck here for a long time. I've been trying to leave for a long time and I only just got out of S. Fla, I didn't even manage to get completely out of Florida which is my goal. 

Edited by AngelsSin

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I lost my job a year ago, due to a workplace injury that worker's compensation then refused to cover. Long story short, I'm doing much better now but still fragile and still out of work. My husband has a steady job, but works long hours. His job can keep us afloat, but we can't move forward. The quarantine is starting to get to us, too, even though in our area it doesn't feel safe yet to go back to "normal."

Over the last six months, my husband's mood has just gone down. I think its been coming on for longer than that but now its really noticeable and hard for me to deal with. He's lost interest in his hobbies other than watching TV or playing online games. He's often glum and hopeless about the future. He hasn't been sleeping well and is always tired. He feels guilty, like he's failed by picking the wrong career or getting the wrong degree, because he wants to be able to support both of us on his own. I don't think he's a suicide risk, but when I do try to talk to him about this and make suggestions of little life improvements - walks, better eating, meditation or yoga - he rejects it out of hand, just saying this is life and anyone trying to think otherwise is deluding themselves.

I feel terrible for him, and I worry its not going to get better once I find a job. I just want him to feel better, but its hard not to get frustrated in dealing with him also. 😢😢😢

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@Twimm

 

 I understand how hard it can be to deal with someone who is depressed. As someone who went through a long deep depression and suicidal feelings, I can understand a bit what your husband might be going through. It can feel like your in a pit you can't climb your way out of. For me it felt like I was drowning in a cacophony of overwhelming emotions. It's hard to see past that while your in the thick of it. It can be hard to reach and talk to someone who feels that way, and often you feel like others just cant/don't understand what your going through and so what people say often doesn't get through to them. Sometimes they just aren't ready to hear it and often the method used is not the best approach.

 

For me what started my climb out of depression was actually another emotion triggered when I reached out to someone I thought was a friend. I was depressed and feeling suicidal and I should say I didnt/don't reach out for help often. So this person's response to my asking for help was a shock and left me livid. They asked when I called how serious I was cause Ally McBeal was on tv. This person was essentially telling me a tv show was more important to what I was going through. Naturally they didn't remain my friend, I cut them from my life. Who were they to treat me that way, they were no true friend of mine. But that anger propelled me to make sure those in my life treated me as I deserve and to make changes to how I deal with things.

 

Thing with depression is you keep looking to have days when nothing goes wrong and you want a sort of fairy tale good day/s. Life is almost never gonna give you a perfect day, so you have to stop looking/hoping for such a day to come. You need realistic expectations. I had been depressed for so long I actually forgot what it felt like to be happy. It had been so long since I felt anything even remotely like happiness. I had to relearn to be happy and I found starting with small things were more effective than looking for those big happy nothing goes wrong days. Like reading a good book, enjoying watching a movie, enjoying the rain, enjoying a favorite piece of candy, enjoying the company of good friends, etc. The little things first then the big things. I have also found redirecting my brain when I start to feel/think depressing thoughts to be helpful in keeping depression away. Going for a walk, reading a book, watching a movie anything that takes my attention away from those thoughts, that is really important. 

 

 While it's good to redirect to other things immersing yourself in one or two things and pulling away from people isn't good, if that keeps up he could get to the point of being suicidal and the longer your depressed the harder and longer the fight to pull yourself out of it. 

Try using a different method to reach him instead of making it about him and his feelings which will only serve to possibly intensify them as it can feel as if your pointing out his deficiencies, whether or not you mean to that can be what he hears when you talk about life changes and doing better, getting better. It can leave him feeling overwhelmed and that the task is too big to tackle. Try instead making it about you and leave out how he is feeling or what he needs to improve. Make it about spending time together or that you need support cause your struggling, or any reason that doesn't revolve around what he's going through. If he gets defensive back off for a bit and try again at a later time when he might be more receptive. Try not to react or engage in arguments about it. Don't give up, that could have horrible consequences. Just keep trying different methods, non-confrontational methods (that is extremely important)

 

It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when all you see is darkness. Help him see that there is an end to it that leads to him being happy again. That you support him and you won't give up on him. Too many people get frustrated with those experiencing depression as it often takes a long time to get to the other side and they just give up cause they feel helpless and don't know what to do to help make it better. In the end he is the one who is gonna have to do the work to get better, but you can be there for him  to help guide and support him in his recovery and as someone who was injured on the job and still am affected by it, I understand that you are likely struggling as well not just with his problems but yours as well. Injuries leave us with pain but they also affect how we feel about ourselves and pain can make dealing with difficult situations all that much harder. If you are struggling let him know and that you need his support too. If you are struggling and do talk to him about it don't bring it up in relation to what he is going through, make it simply all about you.

 

 I hope things improve for you both!

Edited by AngelsSin

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