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So it’s been a long, long time since I poked my head in here. Honestly since Ive poked into the forums at all. But I just need to say this. Because I’m. Anxious. Confused. Scared. But also a tiny bit.. excited?

 

ive struggled with my gender for years now. And last year was both god f***** awful, but enlightening. Awful in that it definitely made me take steps backwards in this gender and mental health thing, but enlightening because of that exact reason.

 

im not a girl. It made me realize that 110%. Im not. I may be afab, i may have breasts, i may have the female bits, but im not a girl. And these past few days i think i know what i am.

i think im transmasc. A nonbinary transguy. A demiguy. Whatever label youd like.

i want to transition. I want top surgery. I kind of even want the male bits. I am still very much a they/them person. But i really think i am trans. And thats terrifying.

 

i want to come out to my mother by the end of the month. I want to start LIVING, not just getting by. You know? Im tired of just surviving day to day to day. I want to ENJOY life. I want to WANT to live, rather than the constant, nagging thought of wishing i could vanish.

 

i am terrified of coming out. I dont think its going to go well. I am her only kid. Its just been us for 25 years. Just me and her. And extended family. But i need to. I need her to know im not happy as a woman. I hate being a woman. Not just for societal reasons but just everything that has to do with it.

....its still scary to say it. Im trans. Im ftm trans. Its terrifying.

but it feels right.

 

it feels more correct than saying i am only nonbinary.

and so. Uh. Here i am.

Nikki the transmasc who uses they/them pronouns. That’s chill right? And something hopefully a Gen X can understand??

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To the person who just gave me that Pillow hatchie (and those who might've had the intention to but couldn't): thank you. My beloved pet just passed away this morning - it was so sudden and absolutely devastating. She had a heart attack and I could do nothing but hold her and cry during her last minutes.

 

I've done nothing but cry all day as well, which kinda is as well why the "memorial hatchie" idea was such a rushed last-second decision. And for those thinking "naming a frozen hatchie in a petsite after a deceased pet" is a stupid/cheesy/childish idea: hey, you lose a loved one and tell me if you don't end up coming up with stupid ideas. Losing even a small pet hurts a lot , thanks to our stupid ape brain and its predisposition to form familial bonds with non-human species. Hell, I feel bad about what happens to small pixel dragons who aren't even alive, so imagine.

 

I guess I'm just looking for some way to alleviate the pain, dumb as it might be, and I just didn't feel like renaming one of the already-frozen hatchies I had from years ago was appropriate in this case. And darn, that pretty lineage is a huge bonus (I'm a sucker for checkers). So yeah, thank you guys for this. I'm lucky I've had a lot of support through this, from family, friends, and well, DC as well! Tho the PB 2nd gen Thunder hatchie miiiight have been an incentive, I reckon. Then again, what wouldn't I have given for her in life.

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@Wandering4Ever Well, if it feels right then I don't think there's anything wrong about it. I hope things get better for you from here on out.

I don't consider myself to be trans, but in my teenage years I really struggled with the thought of becoming a proper woman. I remember the time my brother's girlfriend took me to shop for bras, and I felt super anxious and downright anguished when I tried them on. I hated wearing them and felt like I wanted to cry because now I'd HAVE to wear them, because now I have these saggy floppy sacs of fat people call breasts. I wanted to cut them off. Eventually we tried a sports bra and thankfully wearing them didn't give me a panic attack. To this day all of my bras are of the sports kind because they're the only ones I CAN wear without having an emotional breakdown. I still want to remove my breasts and get sterilized and maybe someday remove my entire uterus. If anything I'd really want to be a genderless being, but it's not biologically possible so I'll have to settle for being female and I'm honestly pretty fine with it. I hate skirts and dresses and don't wear makeup because my mom doesn't do that either, I never had anyone in my childhood teaching me how to be a "proper" girly girl, I grew up surrounded by three older brothers and almost all of my friends in school were guys anyway. I'm perfectly fine with it, I can't be the kind of truly genderless being I really want to be so I got to settle for option #2. But that's just me.

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TW: Gross body stuff.

 

Well, I never thought I'd be posting here, but I'm at the end of my rope, and I've had no choice but to neglect DC lately. I hate everything about America right now, especially its healthcare system.

 

I am literally the healthiest person I know. I'm 25 years old and female. My family (both sides) is properly outbred and has excellent genes for longevity, beauty, etc. No cancer risk, no heart risk, no nothing. My great-aunt and uncle lived into their late 90s.

 

So why the **** have I been sick since May 16?

 

I started getting common cold symptoms on May 16 that went away around May 20, and then came back around May 23. So I go to the ER, and they tell me, "Oh, it's just a viral respiratory infection. Here, take a steroid." I'm like, "Uh, no thanks. If it's viral, it'll heal on its own with R&R." I've always had an extreme aversion to western medicine. Not to mention that I can't afford it, and right now my mom and I have no coverage. Fun times.

 

Another week passes, and guess what? That supposed infection doesn't heal. It leaves me with a weird, asthmatic-sounding cough on exhale (almost sounds like a sneeze, but it's a cough), and a fatigued feeling.

 

So I go to my ****ty, underfunded clinic. Female Doctor, who's clearly looking to make a buck and not a diagnosis, spends part of the appointment pressuring me about a pap smear (which I refuse to get). When she finally gets down to why I'm there, she's like, "Oh, I think it's a bacterial sinus infection on top of seasonal allergies. Here's some Augmentin, Flonase, and Singulair. Now get out." Without ever running even a blood test to determine if there is a bacteria in my system.

 

Knowing full well the clinic is 99% full of it, I pick up the prescriptions, and start taking them. That was June 5, two days after my birthday. Yippee.

 

The very next morning after taking the initial doses of Augmentin and Singulair (I'm still avoiding the Flonase like the plague), I wake up bright and early dry heaving and choking on my own snot, which is pouring down my throat like Niagara Falls. I thought, Well, that must mean the nasty drugs are working. One more day, and I'll be back on my feet.

 

That was four days ago. Since then, I have gotten about 13 hours of sleep. I've been to the ER again. All they said was "Double bacterial sinus/viral respiratory. Keep taking the drugs and **** off."

 

I've spent the better part of a week almost nonstop gasping, heaving, and gagging on my own mucus, which has pooled in my chest and is still pouring down my throat, effectively attempting to choke me from two angles. My anxiety has been triggered to dangerous levels. My mom's at the end of her rope.

 

This morning I woke up with a mildly productive cough and moderately green throat mucus. Nose mucus is crystal clear, as always. I only feel somewhat better right now, since shortly before I began typing this, my nose drained out, and has not yet filled back up. It's been a good half hour. I still have the mildly productive cough and slight chest tightness, but that could just be from spending the last week dry heaving.

 

I've got more drugs in my system than Gregory House on a binge, and I want to rage. I have no fever, and never lost any energy. My fatigued feeling is gone. I haven't felt this good since before taking the antibiotics. Hmm, wonder why. 🙄 And, to top it all off, my health anxiety peaked so greatly yesterday that I admitted I'm in love with the guy I'm in love with to my mom, in case I didn't make it. 🤣😒 (Which is, of course, ridiculous, but that's health anxiety.)

 

Called the nurse helpline this morning, and they said I need to be seen today. Have an appointment with my clinic in an hour, and then I get to spend an hour after that on the phone trying to reinstate my health insurance. Fingers crossed they can at least test my blood to rule out bacteria, and refer me to an ENT specialist if I need one, for sinusitis/allergies.

 

I just got a new job, and my crush's phone number. I'd like my life back, please.

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@The Dragoness  *sends lots of hugs*  Not reading the spoiler 'cause of my own issues in that area, but *huuuugs!* 

 

Last time I posted in this thread I was frustrated about not being able to work much lately. Since then it's progressed into an actual official 'medical leave' from work, both in an attempt to alleviate the overwhelming stress re work and so I'm not constantly screwing up other's routines by calling in. I had an appt with my psych doctor (a new one) on Tuesday and she increased the dose of multiple medications and added another anxiety med. Med changes are always so frustrating because I'm hoping so hard that it will *help* and I just want to get on with my freaking life, but they can take 4-6 weeks to make a noticeable difference and omg that's just *forever* when I'm feeling so horrible. The doctor did say that she wants to see me back July 2nd, and that we should have a fairly good idea by then if the meds are helping, so *crosses fingers*. I'm hoping maybe I can go back to work the week before that, if the anxiety is manageable, but I don't want to push it. As worried as I get about my job in general, this has happened before and I know they are always understanding and helpful about giving me the time I need. 

 

Trying very hard to not worry about money/finances while I'm on leave... We have enough money to deal with the bills until I go back, but I have to keep reminding myself of that because usually we *don't* have enough. Of course it helps that my stepdad gave us some money when he came for a visit last weekend. 

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Minor thing but it's bugging me endlessly.

 

So, I got a pretty major trip coming up in the next few weeks, going to spend almost the entirety of July up north with my father. So I've been trying to save as much money as I can for it, as I know it'll cost me a fortune. And then I get dumb and spend too much money on totally useless crap and I feel like an absolute idiot for it, and then my dad calls me and asks me to lend him a pretty large sum of money as his workplace somehow failed to pay his salary this week. I'm kind of averse to lending money to people as someone I once loaned a decent sum never paid me back, but this is my father and I want to help him in any way I can. I want to believe he's genuinely in a tight spot right now and not just trying to cheat me, that he'll pay me back next week, just in time for my upcoming trip, but that one time I got cheated on is still hurting me and I'm feeling like I can't freaking trust anyone these days. I don't want to doubt my own dad as he's been nothing but amazing to me throughout my life, I WANT to trust him... but my brain is **** stupid and wants to do otherwise and it's giving me so much anxiety.

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I just want to be allowed to be selfish for a little while.

 

Recently, my advisors at my graduate program decided, after spending the last year tormenting me and making me absolutely miserable, they no longer want to work with me. So I couldn't remain in the program. My source of income has vanished. I was planning to move back home for the summer, but the original plan was I'd move some of my stuff back home shortly after, and then return for the rest later. I liked that better, because it would give me time to process, and I'd be back to visit my friends at least one more time. Home is ~1000 miles away, so it's not like once I moved back home permanently I'd be able to go back much. But the same night I got the news, my dad had already booked a Uhaul to move all my things and planned to have me out of my apartment like three days later. Which sucked, because I hadn't even had time to tell my friends I wouldn't be back, and I was trying to spend time with them, but I also suddenly had to pack up my whole apartment in a few days. While "helping" me, my dad threw out a lot of things I specifically asked him not to. When I tried to rant to my mom about feeling rushed and like I needed more time to process, she told me that "everyone was shocked, and my dad was stressed, and I needed to prioritize packing and stay calm for his sake." Even though it's MY life that's been turned upside down. I tried ranting to my sister after my dad threw out some things I really didn't want him to. She told me I was immature to worry about it, I was being stupid worrying about spending time with my friends before possibly never seeing them again, and told me to worry about my dad and then blocked my number. And then my dad rolled his eyes and got annoyed at me for being upset over the unexpected move, because I'd been looking forward to coming home over the summer, so he didn't see the problem. But I was looking forward to leaving for awhile. Not forever. But I wasn't allowed to be upset about that, or my stuff, or my friends, because even though MY life was falling apart, my income was gone, I had to suddenly and unexpectedly say goodbyes, and I didn't even get to say goodbye to all my friends, and I was stressed as all hell, I was supposed to be staying calm and upbeat for my dad's sake. Forget my feelings. I'm not allowed to have those.

 

Then I get home. Turns out my cat's sick, too. He's not suffering, but it's a permanent issue. My mom keeps talking about putting him down. But he isn't suffering, he just needs medication and a bit of extra care, and I would much rather do that than say goodbye. But I can't not listen to her, because my income is going away, so I need help with vet bills.

 

Meanwhile, when I get home nothing I do is enough. I'm not spending enough time petting my sister's cat. I didn't make the bed exactly right. My mom tried to guilt me into visiting my grandma literally two days after we had all visited her as a family. Meanwhile, I was trying to schedule a job interview that day. Now my mom's mad at me because I don't want to do weight watchers with her and my dad. I had a job interview set up within a week of getting home, and my mom was constantly shoving more things at me and acting like I wasn't trying hard enough. She finds a reason to complain at me for something every day and nothing I do is ever enough to satisfy anyone. Meanwhile, I'm already feeling stressed and overwhelmed, and I can't deal with it. But my dad keeps telling me that I need to put myself in my mom's shoes and be patient with her.

 

And at this point, I feel like I'm supposed to be walking around eggshells around everyone else in my family, but no one is making any allowances for me. I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually slept through the night in the last three weeks. I've had nightmares about the school situation literally every single night for close to a month. I'm stressed, I feel like crap for having to move back home, I'm still not speaking with my sister after the way she spoke to me when I tried to vent, and I'm still really distraught over the fact that I told her that I'm not okay and need support, and she couldn't even just listen to me, I'm worried about my cat, and I'm just a mess. But I have to pretend to have it together, let everyone yell at me, dictate my life, and I just need to be calm and collected and available to listen to everyone else's problems.

 

My life is a wreck. I went from being a PhD student living independently to suddenly having to move back home and accepting a job decorating cakes at Coldstone so I have some source of income. I'm really struggling with a lot of things. And I just want to be able to be selfish and worry about me for five minutes, and maybe have someone see things from my point of view and listen to me. But I have absolutely no one to talk to about anything, because any time I try to express my feelings, I'm told that I need to be calm and patient and collected for my parents' sake. I've lost my sister. Our relationship has been strained for awhile, but the fact that she couldn't even just listen to me vent solidified the fact that I just can't maintain a relationship like this anymore. I feel completely isolated. I cry when I'm alone and my parents can't see me, because I know they won't want to deal with it. I just wish I had someone who could talk to me, listen to what I have to say, and just let me grapple with my own feelings right now

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@AngesRadieux You can talk to me if you need someone to listen. I'm not a PhD student, but I've spent my entire life walking on eggshells around my family (mostly my mom). I get it. I get what it's like to suddenly lose everything too and have your family not really understand why you feel the way you do. There's a 95% chance that I've lost my mom, the cat I've had since I was 4, and my only brother for good in the last week. They're alive. My mom just woke up one day and decided that she no longer wants to consider my dad and I family. She's hurt me in 7 days more than I've been hurt in 19 years. If you ever need to vent, PM me. Don't bottle it up, okay? That's only a temporary solution. It probably sounds cheesy and silly, but things will get easier. It might take some time, but they will. I promise. I like to remind myself that life gets worse before it gets better--that's how we learn how to be strong and survive. Sending good vibes and hugs ❤

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Feeling very anxious. My father is having surgery to remove a cancerous tumor from his colon in a couple hours and I can't sleep. It's been a rough 7 months, I'm hoping and praying that everything goes well 

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12 hours ago, The Dragoness said:

@AngesRadieux You can talk to me if you need someone to listen. I'm not a PhD student, but I've spent my entire life walking on eggshells around my family (mostly my mom). I get it. I get what it's like to suddenly lose everything too and have your family not really understand why you feel the way you do. There's a 95% chance that I've lost my mom, the cat I've had since I was 4, and my only brother for good in the last week. They're alive. My mom just woke up one day and decided that she no longer wants to consider my dad and I family. She's hurt me in 7 days more than I've been hurt in 19 years. If you ever need to vent, PM me. Don't bottle it up, okay? That's only a temporary solution. It probably sounds cheesy and silly, but things will get easier. It might take some time, but they will. I promise. I like to remind myself that life gets worse before it gets better--that's how we learn how to be strong and survive. Sending good vibes and hugs ❤

 

Thanks. I'm sorry about the situation with you and your mother.  I hope things get better for you.

 

I'm just frustrated. I feel like I should probably find a therapist, but at the moment I have no insurance and I haven't started my job yet, so I don't have the money for that. And frankly, my car insurance is going to go up, because my home state is just more expensive than where I was going to school, I have other bills, and my cat's medication to think about, so even once I do have an income and even if I get some basic insurance, I'm not even sure mental health care will be covered, and if it is, with the deductible and copays and all of that, I'm not sure I'd be able to afford a good therapist, anyway. And I was in a similar situation several years ago, and I fell into a depression. But that only made things with my mom worse, because she insisted on my trying herbal remedies first. And when I told her that wasn't working, she fought me on starting antidepressants. When I finally did start medication, she admitted that I was right and she did notice a difference in me after I started taking the medication. But I was on the absolute minimum dosage, and I wanted to talk to the psychiatrist about trying an increased dosage because I still felt like I was struggling, we argued again and she accused me of using medication as a crutch instead of working through my issues the right way. That time, she won and I never tried bumping up the dosage.

 

I've since been off medication and haven't spoken to a therapist or psychiatrist in several years at this point. But for awhile, I've been thinking I should probably go back, and now that all of this stuff has happened, it would probably really help. But aside from not having the money right now, my parents are already on my case about so many things I just don't want to deal with adding this to the list of reasons for my mom to pick fights with me.

 

And the whole thing with my sister just infuriates me. When we were finishing undergrad, her boyfriend almost didn't graduate. Why? Because he was an idiot and didn't double check to make sure the class he was taking would satisfy the requirement. He took the class, and once he finished the school contacted him to say he actually hadn't met the requirements for graduation and had to take another class. Really, it was his fault and all it meant was that he would have to come back in the fall semester to take one more class. In the grand scheme of things, not a big deal. But he called my sister all upset, and she dropped everything for him. She bailed on plans with me and my dad and spend the entire day on campus with her boyfriend and his mother, because apparently he couldn't handle figuring out who to talk to to try to sort things out by himself. He had a temper tantrum because of something one of our friends said in passing when we were all hanging out, and went outside to drink by himself and wouldn't talk to any of us. My sister bailed on our friends to go be with him and then didn't speak to me for days because he claimed I was mean and it was all my fault. Meanwhile my friends, who were there the whole time, all backed me up and said I hadn't said or done anything out of line and he was being ridiculous. But he was upset, so nothing else mattered. She dropped everything for him and was willing to shut anyone and everyone out regardless of whether it was warranted or not. Literally every time he's upset about anything, that's how it goes. Meanwhile, I suddenly lost my independence, friends, health insurance, income, etc., and needed to vent because with my dad throwing things out without asking me, and booking the u-haul even though I didn't want him to, I felt like my life was spiraling out of control and everyone was just making decisions for me, and I was in a really bad place mentally, and I just wanted her to look at my texts, let me rant, and say something to the effect of "I'm sorry, that sucks," and she couldn't even do that for me.

 

Instead, she yelled at me about how immature it was to be concerned about hanging out with friends, and I needed to just move on, pack up my place, be grateful my dad was helping, and figure out the future. Yes. I was grateful my dad was trying to help. But the way he was helping was driving me insane at the moment, and I just needed to vent. And this was literally two days after I found out my advisors didn't want me anymore, and I had just a handful of days left to say goodbye to people I'd come to really like and care about. Sure, I realized I needed to eventually figure out how to move forward. But not two days later, and not in the midst of packing up my life and all fo that. I needed that time to process, work through my emotions, and to just have someone willing to listen to me instead of judging me or lecturing me. But where she has always dropped everything for her boyfriend at the drop of a hat, instead of just letting me blow of steam and rant, even after I specifically said in a text that I was in a bad place and not okay at the moment, she yelled at me and then blocked my number.

 

Meanwhile, I've really tried to be there for her. When she was in a car accident a couple years ago, I bought wine and a cake that night to cheer her up. And then she was stressing over getting a new car, so I told my parents if she really couldn't afford it, I would give her my car and use my savings to get a new one myself. My sister ended up buying a car, but if it came down to it, I would have given her mine. And she hated the new car, so I bought silly gifts like throw blankets, or stuffed animals, or candy, and left them in the car for her to try to cheer her up. Over the summer, I paid for the AC in her car to be fixed, because she started crying over the cost. She started ranting at me because my parents were a little insensitive to her dietary choices and only bought pork for dinner even though she only eats poultry. I offered to take her out to eat instead so it wouldn't be an issue, but she refused to go out with me and chose to just be upset about dinner. But instead of telling her she was being irrational, after she started yelling at me about it I baked a tray of brownies for her. I've also sent her gifts when I knew she was having a rough time, and when one of the family cats had to be put down, I couldn't visit her because I was in school ~1000 miles away, but even though I hate her boyfriend, I texted him and offered to have one of his favorite beers sent to my sister's place for them if he would go visit her and check on her, because I was concerned. Whenever she's been going through a hard time, I've done what I could to try to help.

 

My mom had knee replacement surgery, and as soon as I got home, even before I finished unpacking my things, I told her I'd be available to drive her to PT appointments if she needed, so she wouldn't have to worry about getting rides from other people. I also know she hasn't been able to plant as many flowers as usual because she hasn't been able to get around as easily, so I went to the nursery with her to get flowers and planted the pots she wasn't able to get to herself for her. I picked up my grandma's birthday cake so my mom wouldn't have to do it.

 

I really try to be there when people need me. So it hurts that when I really need time to just focus on me and be supported, no one wants to deal with it, and instead they all just expect me to keep being there for everyone else. I don't have the emotional energy for it, and it isn't fair. And later the same day I planted flowers for my mom, she found something else to complain at me about, and I couldn't even be upset about that because, again, I'm supposed to be keeping calm and being patient for everyone else's sake. But I just can't keep doing it. I feel like I'm going to go insane.

 

@DaniBoo Sending good thoughts your way. I hope your dad's surgery goes well. My uncle had surgery for colon cancer about a year ago, and he's still here and doing well. Praying for the same results for your father.

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*heavy sigh* I'm supposedly/hopefully going back to work next week, and it's kinda freaking me out. Next week will be pretty much a full month since I've been to work, and despite knowing how helpful/understanding my boss and coworkers are about this sort of thing, I really don't want to risk pushing it farther. Talked to my boss yesterday and all seems okay, as in 'not getting fired' and such, but I know I need to go back soon. And that scares me, because I'm really not sure if the new meds are working yet, or working *enough*. Sometimes it feels like things are better emotionally, but then an hour later I'll just randomly break into a huge crying fit. I love my job, love my coworkers, and my anxiety at work has been steadily getting better over the years (except during relapses like this), but I still vividly remember how it used to be at work, how I'd just spend the entire day crying, hiding in the bathroom, harming myself... My therapist says I need to remind myself that all of that is in the past, I haven't been *that* bad at work in years, I'm not the same person as I was back then, etc. But that's so hard to remember/believe sometimes. 

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On 20 June 2019 at 2:29 PM, DaniBoo said:

Feeling very anxious. My father is having surgery to remove a cancerous tumor from his colon in a couple hours and I can't sleep. It's been a rough 7 months, I'm hoping and praying that everything goes well 

Well, I just got back to this forums after a long time. I apologise this reply is late, and I hope that the surgery went well and a success!

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I just really need someone to talk to.

I'm useless and lost, there's no meaning to life.

Whatever "life" is, it consists of going to work and taking a shower when I get home, there's so few distractions that do anything to keep me from crying myself to sleep every night. I'm haunted by demons that don't go away.

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3 hours ago, Blondi said:

I just really need someone to talk to.

I'm useless and lost, there's no meaning to life.

Whatever "life" is, it consists of going to work and taking a shower when I get home, there's so few distractions that do anything to keep me from crying myself to sleep every night. I'm haunted by demons that don't go away.

 

If you need someone to talk to feel free to open up with me, I'd be glad to listen to you and see if I can help, but if you've been feeling this way for quite some time about being haunted with demons that won't go away and crying yourself to sleep every night I strongly suggest you to ask for help from at least a psychotherapist first. Focus on your mental health and take what you feel and what bothers you seriously, things like depression don't go away on their own and they are nothing to be ashamed of. If people who suffer from things like the common cold, cancer, illnesses or injuries of any kind are allowed and encouraged to get professional help you should also not hesitate to do that if you feel that your mental health is in jeopardy. Feel free to talk to me or anyone else who offers you help in this thread to get some things off your chest, but I strongly suggest and encourage you to seek professional medical help as soon as possible. Use every chance you can get to get better because you deserve it, overcoming the way you feel is possible. It's not easy, but it is possible and you should focus on your mental health with all you've got. You deserve to feel better and to get better.

 

I stopped communicating with someone I considered by friend earlier today. She told me that she was bothered by some things I was saying and treated me as if I was trying to make something off her most recent addition to the Anastasia Beverly Hills PR list as she got ton of make up, as if I was implicitly trying to convince her to gift me something of the hundreds of products she'd received. I did tell her that if she got something in excess, a small product that didn't suit her and didn't think of anyone among her family and other friends who she'd pass it on to that I wouldn't mind, but she talked to me as if I was trying to convince her to give me something for free when all I did was joke about the people who did openly and directly ask her whether she would sell or gift them some products that she didn't use. She even accused me of using those jokes to cover up what I really wanted from her, but the truth is that I was one of those people who supported her the most when she started working on getting that PR list in the first place, and that I know so much better than begging for freebies when I'm perfectly capable of buying whatever I want myself and not depend on anybody. I tried to apologize if I did say something wrong and if I had offended her because I was truly sorry about the fact that she felt bad because of me, and told her that if there was something about me that bothered her that she should have told me sooner because I can't read between the lines in instagram's DMs or read anyone's mind, and that I was willing to talk things out, but it all ended with her telling me that "she can't function with me and that she doesn't want anything else to do with me" so I stepped aside and decided not to speak to her ever again. I felt bad initially because it was unpleasant and I didn't really expect that, but in the end I'm sort of glad that it came to this because if I'm willing to work on a friendship and care enough to do my best, and the other person doesn't care at all and just cuts people off then I'm better off without them. I don't have many friends, but those that I do have are actually worth the effort and would never give up on me just like that or instantly portraying me as the bad person without trying to work things out and seeing where the problem really is. Now that I think of this former "friend" of mine, it looks to me that she just doesn't like to bother being friends with anyone and that she has the friends that she has because they try harder than she does (she often told me about her other friends in the worst possible context and always had something bad to say about anyone), and that she's just trying to find and make excuses to cut people off instead of actually working on friendships, and that's fine by me. I'll stick to my friends who actually make me feel like I'm worth it and who are also worth it, and I will never again care for other people's feelings more than for my own and put myself below other people's needs. Never in a million years.

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Sorry to post again.

Fairly certain in these next few hours Im losing a friend. The one im living with. Makes things difficult.

he treats me like ****. He claims he doesnt. He lays out this list of everything he says he does and i cant see it. So you did chores, good job? You did them because your crush was coming over. You made dinner? Congratz. Im glad you did it means i dont have to for the fifth night in a row.

laughably thats about it.

my top love language is touch. It matters to me. A lot. I NEED it. I need it to feel secure in friendships, in at least some degree. Any time i touch him he literally hisses or growls at me and yanks away. Which is an obvious massive depresser.

so i try to compromise and tell him i need more words of affirmation. I cant think of any. Thanking me for doing something is not what i mean. I need to know you enjoy me being here. Just like he does with his other friends absolutely no issues. I try to even jokingly get him to say he loves me and he literally refuses and instead insults me. He thinks its fun and games. I dont. Ive told him this and he tells me stop being sensitive.

i ask for quality time but even thats impossible. It doesnt feel like quality time if someone is constantly texting. Or if we just so happen to be sitting in the same room. That isnt necessarily quality time. Thats we literally live together and therefore have to occupy the same space.

 

this all went to **** because he had a friend over. Thats fine. I asked initially if that means theyll be sleeping on the couch. He sends a question mark and i clarify ‘i assume they wont be in a hotel’ he says yes, theyre sleeping over. Okay. Cool. Again last night, after being clearly the odd man out and the awkward third wheel, i decide im going to turn in early since im tired from working a ten hour shift. I bring my extra pillow out and again make clear ‘hey heres a pillow for when you get situated. Theres spare blankets underneath right? Okay cool.” So sounds like everyones on same page.

 

instead he breaks my comfort and shes in his room with him. I dont know her. I am admittedly paranoid but it makes me scared. It makes me feel unsafe to not have a person i dont know in a common area in view.

he refuses to acknowledge hes done anything wrong and is basically telling me im in the wrong. Im overly jealous and controlling. Im literally just a roommate who attempted to establish one (1) boundary.

 

im just. Exhausted. Moving down here was a huge mistake. I havent felt like his friend in a long time. I dont get anything i need anymore. As in to feel like a friend. And now hes apparently ready for ‘a screaming match’ tonight.

i dont want that. I literally just want my best friend back. The one ive known for thirteen years.

 

im just so tired. 

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Posted (edited)

(I'm not sure if this is right place to post this sort of thing, so if not please redirect me :))

 

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle a socially awkward situation involving a friend who wants to, shall we say, "experiment" without feelings for eachother? I have a friend who's a super nice guy and always asks if it's ok with me before doing something like putting his arm around my shoulder while watching a movie, but he recently asked if I wanted to get more hands-on and it really weirded me out.

Since day 1 he hasn't hidden the fact that he's been hands-on with a few of his friends and makes out with them on occasion and I thought I made it clear that I wouldn't do anything like that with someone who I wasn't dating, but he recently texted me asking if I wanted to take things a step further, saying it might be fun because "it's not like we're having sex" (even though what he suggested was sexual in nature). If I weren't afraid of upsetting him due to him having depression and him saying that I'm one of the nicest people he knows I probably would've told him flat out that he was making me super uncomfortable and that I didn't want to hang out with him as a result, but instead I just said that I wasn't looking for that kind of relationship and he said he was ok with that.

I've only really known him since late December and there were a few months of complete silence on his end due to him dealing with depression and family drama, so now I'm beginning to wonder if he possibly lied about experimenting with his other friends since I've never met them and I'm not sure how I feel about being alone with him in his room to play video games and watch movies anymore because it's clear that we have VERY different ideas about what's too intimate between friends, even though he respects my boundaries (like holding hands is too intimate for him, but he's fine with french kissing???). I just don't know how to approach this like an adult without it being super awkward.... or maybe I should just forget about him completely until he texts me asking why I went quiet all the sudden.

Edited by Reignhart

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There's so many red flags.  His depression his *not* your problem, do NOT be afraid to use your words.  I honestly would not hang out with this person, definitely not alone and not in their room.  Sadly, a lot of times being Adult *is* awkward.

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Agreed, just reading your description of the events makes me really uncomfortable. First trying small things like a hand over the shoulder, then asking for more hands on 'fun'... we all know what happens after that. It's extremely difficult for people to fool around without eventually wanting sex, especially for guys. It also seems like a game to him and it's clearly not to you, which never ends well. I'd feel very uneasy hanging around him alone, IMO he is attracted to you and wants more intimacy. We don't ask to get handsy with people we're not interested in as a general rule.

If that's not a relationship you want with him, don't feel bad or 'unkind' about standing your ground. Remember that he's being the awkward one in this situation, not you. You've already made yourself clear, so personally I would just put him on low contact and interact with him as little as possible for a while. Unfortunately being a young adult can be just as awkward as being a teen, but in my experience the older you get the more settled and calmed down your peers are or seem at least.

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I'm okay, really. I can cope but just wanted a place to vent... and this place is really old to me. Sometimes you need a connection with your old self, even if it's something seemingly silly like an internet forum.

Disclaimer: Mention and details of pet death

 

In April, my dog died. At 2am on a monday morning I signed a piece of paper to agree to his euthanasia. All I had ever wanted was this dog. At eleven years old I paid one hundred dollars for this dorky, yellow, insane bundle of labrador puppy. What is a labrador to a lonely, weird, lost eleven year old living in a daily routine of chaos? Salvation. A family, a best friend, warmth in a house with holes in the walls and floor with no heating. I was not parted for more than 24 hours from this dog for years. I didn't have a genuine human friend until mid high school. The only joy in my life was spending hours out of the house in the bush with this dog, and the depth of night quietly curled up with him on a tiny single bed after all the sources of screaming had passed out.

 

You always know they will die, but a decade is an impossible eternity to a teenager. Well, there goes that eternity. I was trying to piece my life together last year, I was holding a job for the first time in my life. I was saving so I could afford a place we would be secure in, and so I would have an emergency fund to take care of us. Funny that.

 

You were only ten, Boof. I told you I wanted a good healthy sixteen years out of you. Only ten. I can't type out the details, but it was cancer, hemangiosarcoma. He lived through an initial ruptured spleen, splenectomy, a miraculous emergency surgery involving two blood transfusions. The vets were surprised I had agreed to pay that much money for such small odds. They told me to go home that day but I was actually waiting in my car in the shopping complex across the road. I'm not religious but I was pleading with something.

 

So he was with me for another eight months. I think I did a lot of the grieving then, but when you were doing well I fell into some false hope too. I was driving him six hours across the state every third week to the oncologist for scans and chemo. And what a lovely blessing veterinary oncologists are. But it was hard, it was really hard when I wasn't doing well anyway and had to work so much.

 

I was ridiculed, by people who don't understand the point of veterinary oncology (they do not use chemo in the same was as human doctors), and who didn't understand the value of those eight months. I worked near full time hours in a job I really couldn't cope with for months to give him everything I could, and then I quit to spend every moment I could with him. I hate when people now ask me if I regret it like I surely must do. I'd sell you to satan for one day with him thanks.

 

My whole life was keeping him alive and keeping him comfortable and watching him. You worry about like, how will I know when it's time? Maybe they are right that what I'm doing is stupid and somehow unfair to him? But you know, and you don't feel the same anymore. That night, he was restless, and when he looked at me I just knew. It was like my purpose switched from watching him to make sure he was fine, to this critical need to make sure he could pass away peacefully, before the pain was too much.

 

So he's gone. I was lying on the clinic floor with him for a long time, and when the vet administered the final syringe I held his head level with mine as it began to fall lifeless to gravity.

 

He was also the last remaining... anything of my life beyond the past couple years. I am no contact with my mother(2+years), and as a result the rest of my family cut me off, which causes a lot of pain...

I callously pushed away my former best friend when I was very destructive(2+years ago).

Though it is a wonderful thing, I have now recovered completely from an eating disorder and personality disorder which defined my life for a decade.

My identity now is stripped of all these things... and now the love of my life too.

 

I do have some amazing friends now, and a partner who I love dearly. Their families are wonderful and kind and very welcoming. But they are not my family. At least, they will not be for a long time. My whole childhood was dense in trauma and pain and just everything else defining about your formative years. How do you just pick up now and go, Well, hunky dory, I'm completely fine and happy with these new people and routines ? How and when does it begin to feel like you, and like your life?

 

Because it doesn't. Because I'm glad for these friends, my health, my partner... but I'd rather have Boof. I'd rather have my lost friend. I don't know how to heal with that, I know it's not an either or, but I'm just this sort of person. I don't know how to add to my life when my foundations are missing.

 

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On 8/5/2019 at 8:28 AM, Alegra said:

I'm okay, really. I can cope but just wanted a place to vent... and this place is really old to me. Sometimes you need a connection with your old self, even if it's something seemingly silly like an internet forum.

Disclaimer: Mention and details of pet death

 

In April, my dog died. At 2am on a monday morning I signed a piece of paper to agree to his euthanasia. All I had ever wanted was this dog. At eleven years old I paid one hundred dollars for this dorky, yellow, insane bundle of labrador puppy. What is a labrador to a lonely, weird, lost eleven year old living in a daily routine of chaos? Salvation. A family, a best friend, warmth in a house with holes in the walls and floor with no heating. I was not parted for more than 24 hours from this dog for years. I didn't have a genuine human friend until mid high school. The only joy in my life was spending hours out of the house in the bush with this dog, and the depth of night quietly curled up with him on a tiny single bed after all the sources of screaming had passed out.

 

You always know they will die, but a decade is an impossible eternity to a teenager. Well, there goes that eternity. I was trying to piece my life together last year, I was holding a job for the first time in my life. I was saving so I could afford a place we would be secure in, and so I would have an emergency fund to take care of us. Funny that.

 

You were only ten, Boof. I told you I wanted a good healthy sixteen years out of you. Only ten. I can't type out the details, but it was cancer, hemangiosarcoma. He lived through an initial ruptured spleen, splenectomy, a miraculous emergency surgery involving two blood transfusions. The vets were surprised I had agreed to pay that much money for such small odds. They told me to go home that day but I was actually waiting in my car in the shopping complex across the road. I'm not religious but I was pleading with something.

 

So he was with me for another eight months. I think I did a lot of the grieving then, but when you were doing well I fell into some false hope too. I was driving him six hours across the state every third week to the oncologist for scans and chemo. And what a lovely blessing veterinary oncologists are. But it was hard, it was really hard when I wasn't doing well anyway and had to work so much.

 

I was ridiculed, by people who don't understand the point of veterinary oncology (they do not use chemo in the same was as human doctors), and who didn't understand the value of those eight months. I worked near full time hours in a job I really couldn't cope with for months to give him everything I could, and then I quit to spend every moment I could with him. I hate when people now ask me if I regret it like I surely must do. I'd sell you to satan for one day with him thanks.

 

My whole life was keeping him alive and keeping him comfortable and watching him. You worry about like, how will I know when it's time? Maybe they are right that what I'm doing is stupid and somehow unfair to him? But you know, and you don't feel the same anymore. That night, he was restless, and when he looked at me I just knew. It was like my purpose switched from watching him to make sure he was fine, to this critical need to make sure he could pass away peacefully, before the pain was too much.

 

So he's gone. I was lying on the clinic floor with him for a long time, and when the vet administered the final syringe I held his head level with mine as it began to fall lifeless to gravity.

 

He was also the last remaining... anything of my life beyond the past couple years. I am no contact with my mother(2+years), and as a result the rest of my family cut me off, which causes a lot of pain...

I callously pushed away my former best friend when I was very destructive(2+years ago).

Though it is a wonderful thing, I have now recovered completely from an eating disorder and personality disorder which defined my life for a decade.

My identity now is stripped of all these things... and now the love of my life too.

 

I do have some amazing friends now, and a partner who I love dearly. Their families are wonderful and kind and very welcoming. But they are not my family. At least, they will not be for a long time. My whole childhood was dense in trauma and pain and just everything else defining about your formative years. How do you just pick up now and go, Well, hunky dory, I'm completely fine and happy with these new people and routines ? How and when does it begin to feel like you, and like your life?

 

Because it doesn't. Because I'm glad for these friends, my health, my partner... but I'd rather have Boof. I'd rather have my lost friend. I don't know how to heal with that, I know it's not an either or, but I'm just this sort of person. I don't know how to add to my life when my foundations are missing.

 

Know how your feeling loosing a pet who is family is awful had to many to pass on myself right now i have a fourteen year old dog that i am keeping a very watchful eye on. You will find it not so hard as time goes by but you will think of him an cry i still cry over pets i had when i was twelve years old till now. if you ever need to talk just message me ok.:)

 

 on anouther note i  came on here to say i am going thru some health trouble found out i have gallbladder stones waiting for an appointment to see what can be done not to scared yet but i know i will be when the time comes to get it taken out. I have had surgery before but still scarey when you think about it.

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Posted (edited)

@prpldrgnfr You're absolutely right that his depression isn't my problem. I guess I was just worried that I was overreacting so thanks for the reassurance! @Terces I've been keeping contact with him to a minimum like you suggested, but he recently texted me asking when I wanted to hang out next so I texted him earlier today that I was busy and would get back to him soon, and just now finally told him that what he said made me uncomfortable. He responded by saying he asked me about experimenting cause he apparently brought it up before months ago and I had said I'd think about it (which I honestly don't remember, but I guess he had been super vague at the time because I know I would've said no if he had suggested we do anything sexual). He then ended his text saying that he just learned about something devastating that happened to his best friend today and had to go... so I know he's going to be super depressed again, possibly suicidal, and likely not talk to me for a while. I can't help but feel concerned for him even though I probably shouldn't...

Edited by Reignhart

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I've been struggling a bit lately and it's frustrating. When I took that medical leave from work, it was because of super-high anxiety that kind of made life horrible. New meds, plus increasing some meds, plus therapy, and the anxiety is nearly non-existent now. .... So of course now it's the depression instead of the anxiety. I haven't had a full-out depressive episode in approx two years, but I know the warning signs after dealing with it most of my life. It's frustrating and upsetting to even think about. (And I have started and stopped this post multiple times now, feeling like it's not worth sharing or something...)

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He keeps answering my texts. Helikesmehelikesmehelikesme. Dear Evil Jesus, let this leather-coated, guitar-wielding demon zombie love me.

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The story starts with me having tried for well over one and a half year to find a place to live that feels like "home", because my apartment that I currently live in isn't "home" for me. I don't feel at home here, it's really just a place where my belongings and I are stored until I've that place.

           And I did find that place, earlier this some. The place I feel at home and at peace in, feel like I can relax in. I adore it. I love it already. The house was built back in 1838 and it's really one-of-a-kind these days, but it's not because of that I fell in love with it. There was something about the area and the energy there that simply spoke to me and I felt so relaxed and not on edge like I usually always am.

         And I got to buy it! But on the condition that I got my current apartment sold within one and a half month.

 

Oh and also, in all this I had a really bad job which was more or less killing me from the inside out. I hadn't planned on staying there after the summer was over, but instead try to get a new job which wouldn't kill me. After all, it's way more less stressful to wake up in the morning feeling like you want to get to work, and not having the reaction "oh no, I don't want to go there". But my so called boss seemed like he thought I had been sick 5-6 times and a total of more than 6 weeks over these past six month that I had my trial to work there. For one thing, the man cannot count at all. I was sick exactly 4 times, a total of 19 days. He had simply taken into account other people's sicknesses and sick days into the times I had been sick. So yep, ended with me not getting to keep the job. Though - I couldn't be happier, because the job were killing me from the inside out (as mentioned) and I didn't want to keep working there even though I kept on doing my best until the very end. Now I'm looking for a job again, seems like I'm having no luck at the moment though and I'm having more thoughts about starting my own company even though I do know it won't bring any money to me for the first few years or so.

And anyhow, here's really where all the stress, aching in my belly, incapability to eat properly and lack of sleep is coming in. I got one and a half month to sell my apartment in early August. It's only one and a half week left, if even that. The woman I hired to sell the apartment hasn't really been doing her job and has been slacking off really much in the early stages. I feel worse and worse for each passing day, since I really don't want to loose the one place I've felt like I can call home only because this apartment won't get sold in time. I've done what little I can - paid for extra commercials in the media sites where they list houses and apartments that are for sale. And my panic is growing more and more. I'm so scared I will loose my beloved house.

        I need to sell my apartment even if I end up loosing my house, for I cannot afford this place for much longer. Or well, I can afford the apartment, but ... I'd rather afford food so I can stay alive. For if I have to keep the apartment for much longer, I will only be able to afford it and not for the food I put on the table for myself. And if that's the case ... I'd rather live on the street so I at least can afford food.

 

But most of all, I truly don't want to loose my house. I really don't want to loose it, no matter how challenging I know it will be to live there (since it's a listed building and I have made the choice that I wish to live similar to how they did in the 1838s when the house was built) and no matter how much my parents will reject me for making that choice. The thought of loosing it hurts so much, when I finally have found the place for me, and it falls on the apartment that I've never truly wanted to live in ... If I only got my apartment sold and got to move to my house instead, I wouldn't have to live on the street in order to afford food. I would be able to afford both the house and food, since it's less a cost to live in the house.

 

I really wish for the apartment to be sold and I've prayed to any and all Gods there is to help me get the apartment sold ... And I'm not a religious person, but I still prayed. I've asked spirits on the other side for help ... But it seems like the world is against me being happy, for I'm one of the most unlucky people you can ever find in this world (just hearing my very few friends saying that they cannot believe how unlucky I always am, is kinda hurtful; but all the same true). And I really don't know what else I can do to keep my spirits up, I've spent the past two days just writing stories and reading, now I've run out of things and books to read. I know I should apply for jobs, but I cannot seem to concentrate on doing anything proper. Because my mind always turns away from it and ends up worrying and being stressed out.

 

I am, and will be ever more so, lost if it turns out for the worse.

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My sister asked me to be her maid of honor. I don't even want to go to the wedding, never mind invest my time, energy, and money actively supporting it.

 

She hasn't treated me well since she met the guy. The summer before I was moving from New Jersey to Tennessee, I remember literally begging her to spend some sister time with me before I was 1,000 miles away and we couldn't hang much anymore. She'd leave me sitting at home, crying my eyes out because she would always be with her boyfriend and couldn't find one day to hang out with me. Whenever I tried to reason with her by saying I was about to move really far away and wanted to spend time with her while we were still living in the same state, she would roll her eyes and snap at me that I needed to stop guilt tripping her. Our relationship has been strained for awhile. I've told myself many, many times that I was done, and I was just going to stop caring and cut her out. Yet somehow, whenever I'm around her, I found I couldn't do it, and I still wanted my sister. So the constant rejection I swore I wouldn't let bother me anymore kept hurting. The first two times I came home after moving, she also got mad at me for being upset with her for not making time for me. She hadn't seen me in months, and yet I was the bad guy for wanting to hang out with her.

 

That's been festering for awhile.

 

But this summer, she really, really hurt me. I barely spoke to her at all for close to two months, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her. I posted back in June about struggling with having to move back home after losing the funding for my PhD. During the process of packing, when everything was spiraling out of control and my dad was rushing me and my mom was telling me I needed to keep calm for my dad's sake, I was absolutely distraught and I really needed someone. I got upset because I found out my dad had thrown away something I wanted to keep. In and of itself, not a huge thing. But he had already taken away control of when I was moving, and I couldn't reclaim control over anything in my life. I got really angry, because now I didn't even have final say about which if my belongings I was taking with me. I texted my sister saying that I was really angry with our dad because I needed someone to vent to. She was horrible to me. She told me that I should just shut up and be grateful my dad was helping me move, regardless of my own emotional state and whether I was even ready to move, and that I was being childish and awful for wanting to have time to see my friends before moving back to New Jersey, not knowing whether I'd ever see them again, and that I needed to be an adult, be grateful, and just get on with my life, and then she told me she was blocking my number so I couldn't text her anymore. This was within 48 hours of finding out about losing my funding.

 

My whole life was falling apart, and she couldn't just let me talk and listen without judging me. She abandoned me when I really, really needed her. After years of hurt over feeling unimportant to and uncared for by her, it was too much.

 

She hasn't apologized. She didn't really make an effort to support or spend time with me in the few weeks we were home together. I'm still hurt and incredibly angry with her.

 

And now she wants me to spend my time, money, and energy supporting her in a decision I don't approve of after she couldn't even be bothered to hear me out while I vented. I feel like I don't matter to her, except for when she wants something. I'm angry at her for asking, because it puts me in a position where I can either ignore my own feelings and give in or look out for myself and have literally everyone think I'm a horrible human being because of it. I feel like I have to say yes in order to salvage any possible shreds of a relationship we may have left. But I don't even know if there's anything left to salvage at this point. The thought of giving any kind of toast at the reception to their marriage makes me feel absolutely ill because it felt like she started cutting me out of her life the moment she met him and I think he's turned her into this selfish, self-centered person who keeps hurting me over and over again. All I really want to say to her is that the maid of honor should be one of the people who matter most to you, and since she's made it painfully, brutally clear that she just doesn't care about me, she should find someone else. But, honestly, as much as I don't want to do it, I don't know if I can bring myself to say no, because on the one hand I know hurting her the way she hurt me won't fix anything. But I also don't know if I can handle putting myself in that position. The thought of giving either answer makes me feel awful. I've been crying on and off about it since she asked me.

 

I've thought about saying that I'll do it, but only if she promises me that she'll treat me differently in the future and make an effort to fix our relationship. But I know that promise wouldn't mean anything. Either she'd get defensive and yell at me for being horrible, or she'd say yes, but then continue to act exactly the same as she has since she met him. I just don't think there's any way this could possibly end without me spending the next year being absolutely sick and miserable over it.

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