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Found out today my mom has Colon cancer  it was a shock to us all but i am hoping they got it early enuff that they can do the surgery to remove it all. Just pray that everything will be ok i hate seeing anyone sick.The thought scares me that we might loose her to worse cancer if it spread any where else. :(

Edited by Laryal

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@Ribombee

Oh man, what a jerk! I'm glad to hear you and your dog are both okay. :) I hope you're feeling less stressed today and did well on your quiz! Good luck getting into the school you're applying for. I know that whole process is super stressful. *Hug*

 

@Laryal

I'm so sorry! That's such scary news to get. :( I really hope the treatment goes well and your mom is able to recover. *Hug for you too*

 

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15 hours ago, Ribombee said:

Today started out SO well. I had a fantastic ride (horse) and was feeling really on top of the world. Then my advisor took forever getting suggested edits to me on the application due today. Then I call the office to double check a formatting thing regarding the application and discover my second letter of recommendation writer had not sent in my letter yet and had just left for Spain. So I email him, and I figure I will take my dog for a while while I wait for a reply. I didn't even make it to the park (a few blocks away) when some self-absorbed jerk came flying out of a parking garage and very nearly hit my dog. If I had been a split second slower in yanking him HARD backward by the leash/collar, he would have probably been dead. And the guy looks down at my dog, then just speeds off. Didn't even have the decency to look upset about it, let alone apologise. My poor dog was so confused and frightened by suddenly being yanked by the leash (not something he is used to), and I have been in a fit all night about it. All the stress has given me a killer headache, and I have a quiz tomorrow morning. Ugh.

I'm so sorry! As a fellow dog owner, I can 100% relate. The good news is your pupper will be fine. Some trainers use small jerks on the leash to train, it doesn't hurt them and he likely doesn't even remember it by now. ❤️

I'm a bit nervous honestly, I've just realized my dream is to become a professional show handler, and I have very little inkling of ethology or show grooming, much less structure and conformation. There's so much I have to learn first, I don't have a lot of money to pay for the classes and there is almost no dog activity anywhere near where I live. Plus my bf and I are planning an international move within the next few years, and it's not going to be easy at all, especially not with 9 dogs and 5 cats in tow. I know I can do this, I know we just need to work hard and make it happen; but with just our jobs, it won't be enough. If only I could find an online job that paid in US dollars, which go VERY far in my country...

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On 3/29/2019 at 1:53 PM, Princess Kiara said:

I'm so sorry! As a fellow dog owner, I can 100% relate. The good news is your pupper will be fine. Some trainers use small jerks on the leash to train, it doesn't hurt them and he likely doesn't even remember it by now. ❤️

 

Yeah, I know he is fine. I use small jerks for corrections on the heel, but it was a seriously hard jerk of the leash, enough to physically yank him into the air a bit. He was REALLY confused and upset. He is fine now, of course, but I felt like total ****, and I was super angry that I was forced to do that to keep him safe. 

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On 3/28/2019 at 11:51 PM, Laryal said:

Found out today my mom has Colon cancer  it was a shock to us all but i am hoping they got it early enuff that they can do the surgery to remove it all. Just pray that everything will be ok i hate seeing anyone sick.The thought scares me that we might loose her to worse cancer if it spread any where else. :(

 

I'm so sorry to hear this. My mom passed away a week ago to cancer.  Hang in there and let's hope they can treat her quickly.

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I feel really numb right now. It’s weird.

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I feel like I lack something important in my life. I noticed that my everyday school life is rather dull. As a smart person, I can often answer hard questions easily and by doing so, I can hear my classmates badmouthing behind me. I honestly don't mind and want to keep my neutrality. There are some times that my mind just breaks and I suddenly get a crash and burn if my mind does break. Unlike the majority of students my age, I have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. I sacrifice a lot of things just to learn - my time, my hunger, my friends, even my sanity sometimes. I sometimes wonder if I strayed too far on the path I took and whether I should traverse forward or abandon everything I acquired and return back to scratch.

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So. This morning my mom had knee replacement surgery. We've been preparing for this for awhile now, she was actually supposed to have it months ago but other health issues kept getting in the way. It's actually pretty likely she'll need the surgery on her other knee as well, eventually, but right now it's just the right knee. A church friend drove us to the hospital and stayed with me through the whole thing, even coaxing me down to the cafeteria for a bit so I didn't spend the whole time worrying. The surgery went well, thank goodness, and the physical therapist already got her to do leg stretches *and* walk a few steps (I was very surprised by that!). She seems to be doing really well so far, the plan is for her to stay in the hospital until Friday or Saturday and then transfer to a rehab place for a week or so. 

 

I'm..... Okay, at the moment. I've cried a couple times today, just being overwhelmed and worried and stressed, but in general I'm doing better than I'd expected. I've only actually been home from the hospital for about an hour, though... I really don't do well alone. And that sounds weird to me because I'm not a social person, I very much prefer keeping to myself, but with someone else in the house, yunno? My mom does her thing and I do my thing, but we are in the same house, and when she's gone for more then a handful of hours it just starts feeling really strange and empty and sad. I have friends coming to visit from out of town this weekend (specifically a 'cheer up' visit), and I know I can call church friends if I need to, though I really hate doing that... Tentatively planning on working tomorrow (took today off), if only to keep myself busy and distracted for awhile. I'm okay right now. I'll probably be okay tomorrow, and Friday, though I might cry a few times. But the days after that? The more days pass, the more I'll start to unravel, and I know that from experience. Just... Take it one day at a time, I guess.

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On 3/31/2019 at 6:18 PM, Leidarendi said:

 

I'm so sorry to hear this. My mom passed away a week ago to cancer.  Hang in there and let's hope they can treat her quickly.

So sorry to hear this. :: Hugs ::

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On 3/28/2019 at 11:51 PM, Laryal said:

Found out today my mom has Colon cancer  it was a shock to us all but i am hoping they got it early enuff that they can do the surgery to remove it all. Just pray that everything will be ok i hate seeing anyone sick.The thought scares me that we might loose her to worse cancer if it spread any where else. :(

Sorry to hear this news. We lost someone close to pancreatic cancer. It was quite quick and caught at stage 4 - the most invasive kind. I hope your mom caught it early enough. Spend time talking with her about the important stuff while you still have the opportunity to do so.

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On ‎4‎/‎5‎/‎2019 at 12:26 AM, Marrionetta said:

I feel really numb right now. It’s weird.

@Marrionetta Are you still feeling numb? Was there a particular trigger for it?

 

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I feel like I lack something important in my life...

@Ether-Equinox  I think I can relate to that a bit. As a student, I was "book smart" and sometimes had folks badmouth me for it too. I relied (and still rely) heavily on my faith to avoid those crash & burn episodes. I also found that when I took time to work with those who did not easily understand the hard questions, helping them to discover what I saw more readily (note that they had to find it for themselves, I just led them with clues), congratulating them when they got it, and letting them be the ones to answer in class, there was less bad mouthing and more friendliness. 

Thirst for knowledge is important, but as with all things in life, there needs to be some balance. I do not think you need to abandon your path, just modify it a little for healthier relationships.

 

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So. This morning my mom had knee replacement surgery... Take it one day at a time, I guess.

@HeatherMarie Sorry for what you and your mom had to go through! How are you now, a couple of weeks later? Did the rehab work out well? Hope your mom is healing well!

 

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I don't know where to start...I'm feeling pretty bad, I guess.

@Aqub I had some trouble understanding your post, as I never did online school before college and do not know what other issue(s) you may have that dealing with people face-to-face and driving are difficult for you. I can relate to having a mom who pushes to the point of stress for both of us and I can relate to how crappy it is to have a falling out with a best friend. For the schoolwork, does it feel great to finally have an assignment done once you do it? Maybe focusing on getting to that feeling can be a motivator to get started on it?

As for the friend, I do not know what happened, but I hope in time you are able to develop closeness again. It can get really lonely before then, and I wish you shalom.

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I'm doing... okay-ish? Mom still isn't home and I'm sorta flailing, I kind of feel like... Almost like time isn't moving, life isn't really happening right now? Nothing is normal, nothing is how it usually is, so everything sort of feels surreal. Mom was (finally!) moved to a rehab place on Tuesday, after multiple issues kept her at the hospital longer then expected (low blood count, possible pneumonia, etc). I've only seen her once since the surgery, on Wednesday, and a part of me feels horrible about that but I'm doing what I need to do to hold onto my sanity and it just freaks me out seeing her like this. She's doing physical therapy multiple times a day and is doing really well, considering... She's in a lot of pain and is still having trouble bending her knee easily. The current 'coming home' estimate is Tuesday or Wednesday, but that really depends on how things go between now and then. Today I spent way too much energy running around in an attempt to get mom home modification gadgets that she'll need while recovering at home, like a shower chair and such. (*Iooks at clock, realizes 'today' is now technically 'yesterday'*)

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On ‎4‎/‎20‎/‎2019 at 3:24 AM, HeatherMarie said:

I'm doing... okay-ish? Mom still isn't home and I'm sorta flailing, I kind of feel like... Almost like time isn't moving, life isn't really happening right now? Nothing is normal, nothing is how it usually is, so everything sort of feels surreal. Mom was (finally!) moved to a rehab place on Tuesday, after multiple issues kept her at the hospital longer then expected (low blood count, possible pneumonia, etc). I've only seen her once since the surgery, on Wednesday, and a part of me feels horrible about that but I'm doing what I need to do to hold onto my sanity and it just freaks me out seeing her like this. She's doing physical therapy multiple times a day and is doing really well, considering... She's in a lot of pain and is still having trouble bending her knee easily. The current 'coming home' estimate is Tuesday or Wednesday, but that really depends on how things go between now and then. Today I spent way too much energy running around in an attempt to get mom home modification gadgets that she'll need while recovering at home, like a shower chair and such. (*Iooks at clock, realizes 'today' is now technically 'yesterday'*)

Good luck with the homecoming! It was eye-opening for me to learn what it takes to get a home ready for a sick parent, and emotionally really, really hard to make the transition from them being in the caregiver role to having to help take care of them. Best suggestion I have, is if someone has to be there all the time to get things for her when she needs them, make sure you have help! Have someone come visit so that you can feel free to get out of the house on errands and such. If you do not take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of her as well.

Even if your mom is able to get around well, I understand how stressful it is to have a parent be vulnerable instead of just always there for me. I pray you and she get through this time the best that you can, and that the rest of her recovery go much quicker than it has so far.

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I have some deep romantic feelings for someone I've known since we were practically kids. We've recently moved in together as roomies because life by yourself is expensive. I really hope that I can either just move on from these feelings, whether it be she finally dates someone else or tells me no outright. Or maybe things can take a natural course and we get together. Honestly I don't know what to do I hate being this confused. 

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Not really emotional support, I would just like to know some stuff about myself.  I always find that most people form really strong bonds with each other, like friends that can share everything and who can laugh about the same things and have all their little inside jokes, but I really haven't been able to find anyone like that.  It'd be fine if I could bare some of the thoughts and ideas I have in my head to the people I know without worrying that I'm being called weird.  I feel like my friends are becoming distant from me and I really don't know why and nobody really gives me a straight answer. I've already tried the whole being nice and helpful and friendly thing, but I find that when people get to know me better, they tend to start drifting away, even though I'm only testing boundaries.  It's not my fault if people kind of give me a role to fill and I go and fill it.  For example, my chemistry prof started calling me 'the person who really likes explosions' because I asked him about doing a live demonstration of Pharoh's snake for our labs, which is something I've really wanted to see for a few years now.  So obviously, I went online and looked for more interesting, more obscure reactions that I found fascinating and presented alternatives, because I really want to see something interesting.  I just don't get it, is it weird to show genuine curiosity towards subjects?  Denying me only makes me more curious anyways, so why do people seem so shocked when I start talking about progressively disturbing topics?  I haven't gone far enough, is it too much to ask for someone to go that far in conversation with me?  Even in that forum bingo game, I was pretty disappointed in the lack of interest in my puzzles.  I genuinely thought that the people in this forum would push me to go further, but I don't understand why nobody is willing.  I even gave the puzzle to my friends, who are smarter than I am, but they didn't really ask me to go further and create something more difficult.  Yet I see there are people like that on the internet.  I just don't really feel like I know anyone, irl or online, who shares at least some of my interests to the extent that I have them.  So I know I'm probably the issue and that I should really just have 'normal conversation' with people, and I am trying, but it's hard when I never get a chance to delve into my topics the way I want.  I'd love to have full on discussions about morally grey or black areas with people (what to do with amputated limbs, interesting ways for death to occur, genetic modification to create a chimera, etc), after all, they're just ideas and thoughts, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having them and discussing them, but I can't find people who agree with me about that.  The only common topic I can make a conversation with is variations on 'what's up', so I don't know how people can actually make a two-sided conversation with it.  Idk, I'd just like to have people forging a genuine relationship with me rather than me forging relationships with others that aren't reciprocated in a recognizable way.  Also, how do people on this forum see me because I can't figure out what my friends have to say about me directly?  I'm basically illiterate when it comes to people's actual emotions and thoughts irl, otherwise I'm completely oblivious.

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I had a very horrible day today and I need to let my voice be heard (after I swore never to never set foot in here again after last year's fiasco) 

 

First of all, it started off as a good day but later this afternoon was filled with nothing but problems. First of all, I lost my car key and was trying to find it and ended up annoying my stepfather who planted himself on the couch to watch TV. Later on, when mom and my brother got back from the apartment place him and I are moving into, he called my brother and I pathetic but it turns out mom had my car key thinking it was hers and she later apologized to me for it but my stepdad didn't. He wasn't raised around family like my mom and is basically trying to get our mom to stop helping us and do it ourselves. Any love I had for this man went away with a snap of the fingers and I really wish my mom would really go through with a divorce. I know that sounds kind of harsh but he has no emotional attachment towards any of us 

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So...here I am now. I just finished Junior High literally yesterday (Moving-up ceremony) with honors. I am now currently deciding on what track to pick. I enrolled in a new school because, in all honesty, the new administration sucks. There had been a recent earthquake and instead of not allowing us to go to school, they still said that we need to go. It literally only took a word from our mayor that made them change their mind. Seriously? What the hell are they going to do if another earthquake happens and the school suddenly collapses? They didn't even assess the damages done despite having a current reconstruction throughout the entire campus!

 

I want to leave my current school, that's why I enrolled in another school, however, I'm now currently contemplating whether should I stay or should I go. I'm not missing a lot of faces, however, there's this one person that I really will miss that will stay behind. The idea of starting from scratch is nice, but the fact that I'll never see her again is somewhat depressing. I'm not "officially" enrolled yet because I still need to get my final report paper. I still have the option of staying, but I also have the option of leaving. I don't do well in these situational dilemmas XD

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Man, I feel like being 10 again.
Waiting here, for an answer from my sister to a text if I should come to the 'leftover eating party' of my niece's communion yesterday (which is common for folks to be invited to...)

Waiting since two hours already for an answer I know won't come.

I wonder why ... no I don't really wonder why ... we are still being invited to those 'family celebrations'. (I know why we are being invited. Idiots that we are, we gift money. Of course they like us leaving gifts)
Yesterday, my niece had her first communion. It's a big thing in germany!

Usually, the aunts and uncles are invited, the grandparents, and the closer family.
But I really feel like we, my family, my mom, my brother, and I, we do not belong into my sister's life anymore.
I feel like she thinks she has found a 'better' family (read: richer, her in laws have/had a winery), and that we're just the shameful reminder of her youth.
Her new family enjoys being on the richer side, showing it, and not being kind to the 'working' class, their topics only circle around what kind of new 'toys' they have. (I can say that without jealousy, I really wouldn't want to have those kind of problems, seriously, it sounds shallow)

We were sat at a separate table, and my sister didn't even spare three words for me, but "Get out of my way!".
Not even a hello, or a thank-you, because, dumb as I am, was there two hours early, on her request, to take care of the in-home cook they ordered.
I had only the key to the house, but every door inside the house was locked, as if I was too stupid to know that I shouldn't disturb the already decorated tables...
I could not even give that cook the requested dishware, and had to have him get situated in the garage, to cook. My embarassement... I can't even put it into words.

My sister's sister-in-law's first words to me, when everybody came out of church (which I wasn't invited to. I was just the aunt, nothing special), were not a hello, just a "Get me a cup of coffee!". Well, lucky me, I couldn't make coffee, because the kitchen was locked. Her answer "You could've brought some from home!". Yeah. No.

 


but I get it, ya know.
Somehow I think, maybe I am the horrible person in our family. Maybe I am the one that's really unlikeable. I don't know. But seriously, I'm tired of waiting for an answer to my message, and only ever being 'good enough' when it comes to hand out money, or do some grunt work for people that do not even want me to be there.
 

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Ugggg....

I am SOooo frustrated with myself right now.

 

Make a long story short, I sort of screwed up. No, make that I DID screw up.

 

I needen't get into the how and why but.... suffice it to say that I said I'd do something I then forgot to do. 

I didn't INTEND to forget. AND I apologized for my failure. I just... still feel rotten about it.

 

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I am angry, and I need to get this off my chest so I can sleep.

 

The landlords sent us an notice about an out of doors rodent issue which they needed to take extreme measures to manage. It was more on my neighbours side, but they still felt the need to access our yard as the opening was some how easier to see from ours (just under the fence).

 

So they came in to do the extermination run, that's fine and dandy. I am at work my husband is home sick, but he took care of them. they came in, did their thing and left.

I come home in the dark and I use the back gate to get in. I trip over a shovel that I had not left there, stumble onto a huge piece of wood with nails sticking out of it and then, when I get a flash light, find that my flower pot that had some seeds planted in it, had been unceremoniously dumped into the rodent hole to block it up. Not ot mention it was a hanging pot and they snapped the hanger to get the soil out.

 

I have no trouble with them using the shove, or having to move the wood, but put it back when done because its a hazard and its respectful. BUT they had no business taking my flower pots to use in the manner that they did. they had no business breaking it in order to use it. So I am pissed as hell. I've contacted the landlord to tell them exactly how I feel and I demand a new pot. Not to mention it was my slaggin jackfruit seeds I had put in there to sprout over the summer. Not sure when I will get more of those, I was just lucky. I'm not going to try to find them in a gassed out rats nest either.

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Wow, @Starscream that sounds ridiculous. Completely over the line to use a tenant's personal property (without knowledge or permission!) to fill some rodent hole. I hope you at least get an apology. 

 

I have missed entirely too much work this month and it's really frustrating and worrying. I did not work at all this week. I worked both my days last week, but the week before that I didn't work at all. Also didn't work the week of the 1st, but that was because my mom just got home from rehab and I was helping her. The other not-working days though... Anxiety. Depression. Lots of it. It's getting back to that point where I'm crying and shaking every work-morning at the very idea of getting ready and going to work. That used to be a common scenario for me, but it hasn't been a problem in a long time (well, not that bad at least).

 

My psychiatrist thinks much of this is due to separation anxiety, worrying about leaving mom alone and being unable to help her and such, and I do agree that's an issue but I'm not sure it's the whole issue. I am re-starting therapy, this time focusing on the separation anxiety issue, my first appt is today. I'm just... Really really frustrated about work. We don't have much money, like we are completely below poverty-level, and missing so much work really really puts a strain on our finances. The only reason I've actually allowed myself to not work so much this month is because I have some money left from my tax refund; If I didn't have that 'extra' money I probably would've forced myself to go to work at least 1 or 2 of those days. Which based on past experience would probably have included crying most of the time I was there, holing up in the Meditation Room multiple times, possibly even harming myself (hopefully not though because I've gone 3 years without at this point...). 

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30 minutes ago, LoneTiger said:

Exams man 😓 the pressure is on

Good luck on your exams! I hope they go well. ^_^

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7 minutes ago, Aqub said:

Good luck on your exams! I hope they go well. ^_^

 

Thanks 😌👍

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3 hours ago, HeatherMarie said:

Wow, @Starscream that sounds ridiculous. Completely over the line to use a tenant's personal property (without knowledge or permission!) to fill some rodent hole. I hope you at least get an apology.

 

I had a chat with them in any event. I should get some fresh dirt next week for my planter. Anyway he said the rodent issue is not on our side but the neighbours and they are rather sloppy. I explained we once found one in our bin, but explained that the lid was ajar. usually its on tight, as it was today. Glad the issue is not us. I'm miffed still, but calmer.

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