Emotional Support

[Mira15]

I got dumped yesterday because my now-ex had made other Valentine's day plans apparently. Trying to stay positive, but not a fun day to say the least.

[Sazandora]

Just now, Mira15 said:

I got dumped yesterday because my now-ex had made other Valentine's day plans apparently. Trying to stay positive, but not a fun day to say the least.

Oh man, that's just heartless of them. Stay strong.

[Lurhstaap]

I sent you a PM about this, @PREDATOR, since I saw your sig about your friend dying. But now that I've discovered this thread and found out more, I understand why that PM has not been read yet. If I were you, I wouldn't touch a PM with IOU in the title right now, either. So I wanted to make a point of saying this publicly. You owed me a CB Gold from an IOU at Christmas. I am WAIVING that IOU. Please DO NOT fulfill it. The LAST thing I want to do is contribute to the pain and horror you've experienced at the hands of some extremely immature and thoughtless people. Please, write it off. And try to take care of yourself? Do whatever you need to do for YOU. Your well being is far more important than any pixel dragon. I'll find another one from someone else. Maybe I'll even finally catch one on my own - my new laptop and gaming mouse are super fast on the click. I just never see the silly things drop. Point is, I'm trying to make it very clear that I mean what I say. I wasn't even worried about it to begin with -CB Golds can take a while to track down and I figured you had other people ahead of me on your list. I can't believe anyone went nuts at you after that short a period of time. I have an IOU for a bred gold that's like two years old because gold breeding is doom.  That behavior says a lot more about those people than it does about you. Nevertheless, like I said, you absolutely should do whatever you need to do. I will miss seeing you around DC, and it angers me to know why I won't be seeing you around anymore, but not at you. I'm angry at the people who did this to you. You don't owe anyone here anything more than you owe yourself the care you need to be healthy and happy.  Basically, some fools who don't get that just cost the rest of us a great player and friend. 

Edited February 15, 2018 by Lurhstaap

[HeatherMarie]

On 2/14/2018 at 5:46 AM, Mira15 said:

I got dumped yesterday because my now-ex had made other Valentine's day plans apparently. Trying to stay positive, but not a fun day to say the least.

 

Wow, that's horrible. I know some people don't really celebrate valentine's day, but if you are in a relationship with someone you should understand that maybe they do, and you certainly shouldn't make other plans without talking to your partner first! That's just very insensitive of them, I'm so sorry.

[Birb]

I could use a little virtual hug right now... one of my online friends has been really struggling, and I try my best to be there for them, but they have just been completely ghosting me.  My other friends are worried about them too but there is not much we can do about it.

[HeatherMarie]

*sends lots of hugs to @Birb (and your friend!)* It's especially hard when an online friend is struggling because you can't physically hug them or actually go over to their house to check up on them. If they aren't talking to you I really hope they are talking to *someone*.

 

I'm a little bit..... Iffy, tonight. My mom left this morning on a short trip (very short, she'll be gone less then 48 hours, but....). She's texted me a couple times letting me know what's going on and that she's doing alright, and throughout the day I was totally fine. But now it's night and the 'omg I'm alone' feeling is starting to hit. I'm just simply not used to being alone. I live with my mom, have never ever lived alone (except for the 3 months my mom was in the hospital/rehab eight years ago), she's retired so she is pretty much always here and when she's gone it's just for a few hours for doctor appts and such... I'm an adult and I can take care of myself and I have stuff I can do to distract myself and blah blah, but it just feels weird. (And also, I know this is just my anxiety talking but what if something happens to her while she's away? I check on her multiple times throughout the night to make sure she's okay, she has so many health issues, what if something happens and I have no way to get to her and and and.....) 

[Birb]

@HeatherMarie Thank you very much <3 Since I posted that, the friend has been talking in our group chat a couple times, so hopefully they are feeling at least a little better.

 

I definitely know how awful the feeling of aloneness when parents leave can be. *hugs* Anxiety sucks, and so does loneliness, but you can do this! In similar situations, I personally find it helpful to chat with not only mom, but also as many other supportive people as you can. Not only does that serve as a distraction, it also beats back the "you're so alone" anxiety through opposite action. If no one else is available at a moment, try to focus on things that soothe the senses, like relaxing music or a little bit of your favorite food or even just the feeling of a warm blanket.

 

If you ever need to chat further, my message inbox is open!

[Sazandora]

My mom just called and said she thinks there's something wrong with our cat, how he's really skinny no matter how much he eats, and how he seems to drink and visit the litterbox more often than normal. She thinks he might have diabetes or something like that... which is pretty much a death sentence to him because she doesn't feel like stabbing him with needles every day.

I've known that fluffball for years now (he's 8), back when I lived together with my mother I got to know and love him so much that even if he lives with my mother nowadays, he's very much my cat as well. I just love him so much... I'm so worried that he really has something badly wrong with him and he'll have to be put down. Just two years ago we lost one cat, the sister of this guy that we have now -- she jumped off a third-story balcony to chase after some birds, and shattered her leg so badly my mother decided to just end her misery there rather than confine her inside a small cage for half a year. Now I'm worried our second cat is going away as well.

I know pets won't live as long as we humans do, but... I just never wanted to think about the day they leave us. I've known this loveable furball of love for almost his entire life. He's the kindest cat I've ever met in my life.

[JavaTigress]

16 minutes ago, Sazandora said:

My mom just called and said she thinks there's something wrong with our cat, how he's really skinny no matter how much he eats, and how he seems to drink and visit the litterbox more often than normal. She thinks he might have diabetes or something like that... which is pretty much a death sentence to him because she doesn't feel like stabbing him with needles every day.

I've known that fluffball for years now (he's 8), back when I lived together with my mother I got to know and love him so much that even if he lives with my mother nowadays, he's very much my cat as well. I just love him so much... I'm so worried that he really has something badly wrong with him and he'll have to be put down. Just two years ago we lost one cat, the sister of this guy that we have now -- she jumped off a third-story balcony to chase after some birds, and shattered her leg so badly my mother decided to just end her misery there rather than confine her inside a small cage for half a year. Now I'm worried our second cat is going away as well.

I know pets won't live as long as we humans do, but... I just never wanted to think about the day they leave us. I've known this loveable furball of love for almost his entire life. He's the kindest cat I've ever met in my life.

*Gives hugs and e-cookies to Sazandora*

 

A year or two back I lost a cat I had had for years...and who I loved greatly.

 

Poor old cat suddenly got sick and the only options would have involved surgery and even THAT might not have helped her.

 

I will say that it is never easy to lose a pet and... I know precisely how you feel.

 

I still miss my poor old Calico kitty sometimes.

 

[hazeh]

30 minutes ago, Sazandora said:

My mom just called and said she thinks there's something wrong with our cat, how he's really skinny no matter how much he eats, and how he seems to drink and visit the litterbox more often than normal. She thinks he might have diabetes or something like that... which is pretty much a death sentence to him because she doesn't feel like stabbing him with needles every day.

I've known that fluffball for years now (he's 8), back when I lived together with my mother I got to know and love him so much that even if he lives with my mother nowadays, he's very much my cat as well. I just love him so much... I'm so worried that he really has something badly wrong with him and he'll have to be put down. Just two years ago we lost one cat, the sister of this guy that we have now -- she jumped off a third-story balcony to chase after some birds, and shattered her leg so badly my mother decided to just end her misery there rather than confine her inside a small cage for half a year. Now I'm worried our second cat is going away as well.

I know pets won't live as long as we humans do, but... I just never wanted to think about the day they leave us. I've known this loveable furball of love for almost his entire life. He's the kindest cat I've ever met in my life.

I've lost many kitties to sicknesses and I've worked at an animal hospital and seen many come and go. I understand how difficult and miserable this experience is.  Whatever happens, he has lived such a great life with you and your mom, and even if you have to say goodbye-- he won't have to experience pain or suffering. All he knows is your love and that's such a great thing for any animal to experience in their life. Sometimes diabetes can be managed, and sometimes it can't, but whatever the outcome, he loves you, and you love him. I hope that can give you some peace. ♥

[Andromen]

I've been dealing with a very annoying cough that picked up around a week ago (technically, I've been sick since like August) and I had to miss school for two days straight. At evening, it gets so bad there are moments when I cough for a while non-stop. It's really frustrating.

[Sazandora]

I know the feeling, Andromen. One time I had this super-irritating dry cough that'd send me into crazy coughing fits that would last up to a minute or two at best, every time I came back inside after going outside even for just a brief moment.

 

But thanks to everyone for the support. My mom is going to take our cat to the vet next week, as she'll be awfully busy this weekend. I'll have to go see our cat tomorrow, as it may be the last time I get to be with him... but it's nice that I got a warning ahead of time, considering how our other cat just suddenly went away and I had no idea about it until my mom called and told me what had happened. Now I get some time to prepare for the worst... but hope for the best.

[aphliithuania]

I'm gonna... use this thread to talk for a moment? CW for death

 

I know it's already stated at the top of the thread that you aren't supposed to make fun of people for stuff here but like... I'm gonna outright say it here: this is about the death of an astronaut who I didn't know, and if you have any interest in making fun of me for being upset about it, I strongly suggest you can it until you've flown a Gemini, Apollo and Shuttle mission yourself.

 

Around the beginning of this year, the astronaut John Young died. I won't lie and tell you guys about how much I looked up to him before, because honestly, I only really knew of him as the commander of the first Space Shuttle flight. That said, it's not like he was no one to me. Columbia is one of my favorite space shuttles, being the true star of the fleet imo, the first spacebound shuttle. And like... Something about the fact that neither Columbia nor her first commander are with us anymore was really saddening to me, you know?

 

And making it worse is that, well, no one really cares. My spaceflight nerd friends cared, but even then, only a few of them had even heard of John. I work at a science museum, and a lot of my coworkers barely batted an eye at it. About a week after he died, our astronomy team took a hike in the hills of my museum to go stargazing. Well, I'm the kind of person who thinks clearly after some exercise... maybe a little too clearly. We talked about John a little on a hike, and his accomplishments... but it was honestly a little too soon, though I didn't want to admit it. When we got back to the (closed) museum, I ended up crying on a couch upstairs. One of my friends tried to comfort me, but all he could really manage was saying, "All of my problems are just so miniscule, you know?" (In response to him being upset about a particularly mean ex.) It... It didn't really make me feel any better, you know?

 

Well, January passed, ending as usual with the anniversaries of the Apollo 1 and Challenger tragedies. February passed, alongside the Columbia disaster anniversary. It's March now, and I'm still just... still really sad about the whole thing.

 

I've always been slow to process death. I approach my feelings mathematically, in a sense; I prefer to separate myself from them and analyze them, working out the kinks and bends logically until a clear, coherent version of the issue remains, which I can handle accordingly. But mourning, as I'm sure you can imagine, is different. I can't give a logical reason for why I'm so affected by John's death. I can't even separate myself from it; it's still in the back of my head that he's not with us anymore.

 

The other issue is that, much as I try to avoid it, I've developed a really small crush on him. It's the kind that's really shallow, and it honestly sickens me a little. I mean... he is pretty. It's not worth denying. But it just... It leaves a bad taste in my mouth to have developed feelings for him right now. It feels like it's my brain's way of avoiding that he's not here anymore. And I mean, it's a nice change? But it ends up making me feel guilty about it, which is just another negative feeling.

 

Sorry, that was a completely incoherent mess. If you read this far, thanks for listening to me. I'm going to stop typing this before it gets even longer 

[EndOfTheWorld]

*headpats* I'm not really a guy who friends look to for comfort. Even my wife calls me out on my rather callous nature and lack of sympathy due to an overly cerebral nature. So all I can really say to you lass/lad is, tragedies do happen. People will inevitably die, and it's when those who we grew up admiring pass away, don't spend your time wallowing in thoughts of "this person died" because that's a dead-end way of thinking. Instead, remember what they did in life to earn that admiration, immortalize those emotions in your heart, and (I apologize if this sounds cruel) simply hold those feelings in your heart and keep stepping forward. Time waits for no man, that's something I've learned since becoming a mortician. Death is never easy, but as time goes on the pain fades bit by bit.

[Draconiusultamius]

He was somebody who was important in your life, whether you knew him personally or not.  Idols are important in our lives, and you seem to have been really interested and inspired by him.  That's all it will take to carry on his legacy.  Even if you think your emotions are illogical, they aren't.  Allow yourself time to grieve, but also spend some time revisiting his accomplishments.  Think about why he has had such a deep impact in your life and think of some ways to preserve his legacy.  It can be as small, or as large as you want.  

 

I'm not great with emotions either and tend to bottle them up and release them spontaneously.  It's highly possible that I'm somewhere on the spectrum for autism, but I've never had a formal diagnosis.  Sorry I can't help with them much, I'm just not great at processing any emotion and wonder if emotion is just my brain tricking me into thinking that I care about something so that I will act 'normal' since it always seems that way.

 

As for your romantic feelings for him, official diagnosis is some form of OCD but...  I just think that people tend to gravitate towards those we idolize.  In my view, admiration and desire are essentially the same things.  If you get to know enough about a person, you will undoubtedly have feelings towards them.  Sometimes, these feelings can seemingly change into lust.  It's not necessarily avoidance, it's most likely because you feel so strongly attached to him and his accomplishments that the primal instincts and emotions take over.  I've felt strange desires which appear to be similar to the ones that you've described.  I've had dreams in which somewhat unspeakable things have occurred between myself and other people in my life.  Vivid images in my head which disgust and fascinate me at the same time of people that I consider my role-models.  I doubt it's something that we can control, to have these thought.  However, thoughts are just thoughts and are brief and fleeting glimpses of the 'what if?'  The natural wanderings of our minds.  You'll have to accept that and acknowledge that these thoughts, while they exist, don't define you or your actual view on your model.  It probably has to do with hormones, which you really can't do much about.  As long as you're not acting on your natural desires on a whim, you'll be just fine.  If you're more comfortable with it, you can even let your mind run through these desires and the possibilities.  I found this article which might help, and a word of warning, it's a little mature in subject matter, but I think it will answer your questions.

[Ribombee]

I just need a little encouragement. I'm going to take the state exam for forensic scientist trainee (biology/DNA analysis), to hopefully be placed and then trained for a full position. It's good pay from trainee level up, great benefits, the works. I would love the job. It would be a year of training on the job, and I would not have to move very far. I am just worried because I haven't covered some of the topics since undergrad! Some of the physics and chemistry, mostly. I have been teaching undergrads most of the actual biology topics, so I am not too worried about that. I struggle with feeling like I am actually qualified for anything, despite a master's and nearly having a PhD. I still feel like an academic fraud. >_> 

[HeatherMarie]

@Ribombee It sounds like you are as prepared as you can be. Besides being prepared subject-wise it's always helpful to be prepared mentally, and trying to simply relax and do some small things that make you happy can sometimes do wonders. The last part of your post makes me think of Imposter Syndrome, something a few of my friends struggle with that makes it difficult for them to accept accomplishments and not feel like a fake. Teaching biology is pretty dang accomplished imo.

 

edit: Easter is approaching. Most retail stores have Easter sections already out. I'm trying not to think about it much yet, I really don't want to struggle with it the entire month beforehand, but... It's hard. My grandpa died on Easter years ago and we were very very close, it took me a long time to come to terms with his death (it actually caused my first mental breakdown) and although it's been years it's still so hard this time of year.

Edited March 3, 2018 by HeatherMarie

[Thuban]

Rant about marriage issues and home life crashing:

Quick history would be that we have been together since late 03, married since 06. In that time we have had some pretty huge hurdles to work through including him almost dying a couple years ago, due to ignoring his health issues. Even after nearly dying, hes still refusing to see docs, for his physical and mental health issues. When his version of depression started kicking in, he cut himself off from everyone, including me.

April of last year, I finally had enough. I told him point blank that unless he started seeking help for his mental and physical health issues, AND started being honest with me about what it was setting him off, then I wouldnt be able to stay here anymore. I told him I would give him his space, to figure out how he wanted to proceed, and that when he was ready, when he figured out his plan for getting things under control, we would talk. That talk still has not happened, hes evaded every attempt to bring it up.

So now I find myself at my wits end. He made no efforts towards those simple requests. I have been giving him lists of doctors to call, mental health services,I've encouraged his friends and family to talk to him, and even the kids have gone to him on their own to ask why hes been so different. Hes pushed most of his friends away, never leaves the house to do anything that isnt work or kid related, doesnt talk to anyone, has no hobbies outside of his computer screen. I know i need to follow through on what I told him last April, but Im not in a place where I can just up and leave. Every bit of income I make has gone straight into paying down the debts, and bills to make the eventual divorce easier. I have friends who would let me crash on their couches, but it isn't ideal. I have the option to go back to my moms, but that risks my mental stability drastically.

 

On my end, I know that divorce means moving away from my children and risking him tanking even further. I have scouted out a place I can afford, that is only a ten minute walk from here, but it would literally only be big enough for me. There is no way I could fit the kids in there too but since its close, I would still see them every single day. I know i need to leave, but there are plenty of reasons not to as well...Right now, im just feeling super irritated and unsure of how to proceed.

[Moonwick]

2 hours ago, Thuban said:

Rant about marriage issues and home life crashing:

Quick history would be that we have been together since late 03, married since 06. In that time we have had some pretty huge hurdles to work through including him almost dying a couple years ago, due to ignoring his health issues. Even after nearly dying, hes still refusing to see docs, for his physical and mental health issues. When his version of depression started kicking in, he cut himself off from everyone, including me.

April of last year, I finally had enough. I told him point blank that unless he started seeking help for his mental and physical health issues, AND started being honest with me about what it was setting him off, then I wouldnt be able to stay here anymore. I told him I would give him his space, to figure out how he wanted to proceed, and that when he was ready, when he figured out his plan for getting things under control, we would talk. That talk still has not happened, hes evaded every attempt to bring it up.

So now I find myself at my wits end. He made no efforts towards those simple requests. I have been giving him lists of doctors to call, mental health services,I've encouraged his friends and family to talk to him, and even the kids have gone to him on their own to ask why hes been so different. Hes pushed most of his friends away, never leaves the house to do anything that isnt work or kid related, doesnt talk to anyone, has no hobbies outside of his computer screen. I know i need to follow through on what I told him last April, but Im not in a place where I can just up and leave. Every bit of income I make has gone straight into paying down the debts, and bills to make the eventual divorce easier. I have friends who would let me crash on their couches, but it isn't ideal. I have the option to go back to my moms, but that risks my mental stability drastically.

 

On my end, I know that divorce means moving away from my children and risking him tanking even further. I have scouted out a place I can afford, that is only a ten minute walk from here, but it would literally only be big enough for me. There is no way I could fit the kids in there too but since its close, I would still see them every single day. I know i need to leave, but there are plenty of reasons not to as well...Right now, im just feeling super irritated and unsure of how to proceed.

 

I think that it is difficult when someone you care about cuts themselves off from you, and stops communicating. Even if it is something that they aren't doing on purpose per se, it can still affect you negatively and your own mental health is more important and should be a priority in your own life. Putting yourself first is the best thing you can do. Sometimes it can hurt to have to pull yourself away from someone, but it can be necessary. I think you are very strong for making these tough decisions, and here's to hoping that strength will not falter when the going gets tough.

 

As for finding a place to stay, I can't give any advice or anything, but I wish you all the best.

[AngesRadieux]

I'm frustrated. I'm not where I want to be in life. I know I could be doing a whole lot worse, so I feel kind of guilty complaining, but I'm constantly second guessing myself and wishing I'd made different choices. I don't know.

 

I was originally studying music. From the moment I took my first voice lesson, I just wanted to sing. I thought I was going to be a choir director in a school. There were some major obstacles and setbacks, and I finally let myself be talked out of a music education degree. I ended up with an associates in music and a bachelors in history. So I tried working with what I had. I wrote about music in it's historical context for my undergrad thesis and managed to convince myself that choosing history didn't have to mean abandoning singing.

 

I applied to grad school and moved almost a thousand miles from home to start a PhD program. The city I'm in has basically no classical music. I've barely been able to sing at all since summer, and when I do it's in the car or my apartment. I haven't found a choir. I tried contacting a teacher, but she said she doesn't teach classical singers. There just isn't much in the city for me. Meanwhile, I don't get excited about history the way some of the other students do. I always knew it was a consolation prize. But I guess it's hitting me harder now that I'm in a PhD program, surrounded by a lot of people who just genuinely love it and I have no outlet to do the thing I do really love.

 

And I just wonder what would've happened if I didn't listen and let anyone talk me out of getting a degree in music. I still fantasize about going back and getting my bachelors in music. I know my best chance is to stay where I am, get the degree, and maybe take some music classes if I get a job as a professor so I can take advantage of tuition remission. But I just regret the way things played out. I regret not getting the degree. I regret going to graduate school somewhere with so little classical music, even though I know it was the best choice out of the grad programs I was accepted to.

 

I just don't know.

 

I know I could be doing worse. I probably shouldn't be complaining. But at night sometimes I watch silly Disney movies about people who actually did chase their dreams and start getting all teary. I guess I just feel stuck, and I have no one to talk to. My parents are so much happier with this career path than they were with the idea of me being a music teacher. And some of the other students are so excited about history I don't think they'd understand that I just don't feel that way. I wish I did find this career path fun and exhilarating and exciting.

 

But I'm realizing more and more it's just that thing I picked up as the most tolerable second choice. If I could go back and do it again, I'd go back to music in a heartbeat. And not having anywhere to sing makes it even worse, because telling myself I didn't have to choose and I could still sing and study music turned out to be a massive lie.

 

I'm also realizing I could probably cut musicology out of my final project this semester. It makes sense. At this point, it seems like I'm just forcing the musicological work to fit into the project because I want it to. And I'm terrified my advisor will tell me to take it out because it's not necessary. But working with musical scores is the only thing I can do that uses my musical background anymore, and I don't want to give that up because I need music in my life and my work somehow.

 

I don't think there's any real solution to my problems other than to just suck it up and stick it out. But I'm just so frustrated with where my life is at and what I'm doing right now.

[hazeh]

12 hours ago, AngesRadieux said:

I'm frustrated. I'm not where I want to be in life. I know I could be doing a whole lot worse, so I feel kind of guilty complaining, but I'm constantly second guessing myself and wishing I'd made different choices. I don't know.

 

I was originally studying music. From the moment I took my first voice lesson, I just wanted to sing. I thought I was going to be a choir director in a school. There were some major obstacles and setbacks, and I finally let myself be talked out of a music education degree. I ended up with an associates in music and a bachelors in history. So I tried working with what I had. I wrote about music in it's historical context for my undergrad thesis and managed to convince myself that choosing history didn't have to mean abandoning singing.

 

I applied to grad school and moved almost a thousand miles from home to start a PhD program. The city I'm in has basically no classical music. I've barely been able to sing at all since summer, and when I do it's in the car or my apartment. I haven't found a choir. I tried contacting a teacher, but she said she doesn't teach classical singers. There just isn't much in the city for me. Meanwhile, I don't get excited about history the way some of the other students do. I always knew it was a consolation prize. But I guess it's hitting me harder now that I'm in a PhD program, surrounded by a lot of people who just genuinely love it and I have no outlet to do the thing I do really love.

 

And I just wonder what would've happened if I didn't listen and let anyone talk me out of getting a degree in music. I still fantasize about going back and getting my bachelors in music. I know my best chance is to stay where I am, get the degree, and maybe take some music classes if I get a job as a professor so I can take advantage of tuition remission. But I just regret the way things played out. I regret not getting the degree. I regret going to graduate school somewhere with so little classical music, even though I know it was the best choice out of the grad programs I was accepted to.

 

I just don't know.

 

I know I could be doing worse. I probably shouldn't be complaining. But at night sometimes I watch silly Disney movies about people who actually did chase their dreams and start getting all teary. I guess I just feel stuck, and I have no one to talk to. My parents are so much happier with this career path than they were with the idea of me being a music teacher. And some of the other students are so excited about history I don't think they'd understand that I just don't feel that way. I wish I did find this career path fun and exhilarating and exciting.

 

But I'm realizing more and more it's just that thing I picked up as the most tolerable second choice. If I could go back and do it again, I'd go back to music in a heartbeat. And not having anywhere to sing makes it even worse, because telling myself I didn't have to choose and I could still sing and study music turned out to be a massive lie.

 

I'm also realizing I could probably cut musicology out of my final project this semester. It makes sense. At this point, it seems like I'm just forcing the musicological work to fit into the project because I want it to. And I'm terrified my advisor will tell me to take it out because it's not necessary. But working with musical scores is the only thing I can do that uses my musical background anymore, and I don't want to give that up because I need music in my life and my work somehow.

 

I don't think there's any real solution to my problems other than to just suck it up and stick it out. But I'm just so frustrated with where my life is at and what I'm doing right now.

 

This happened to me out of high school and through my college career. That somehow I was missing out on that starry-eyed revelation of "this is what my life was meant for!" and chasing down that dream with an iron-clad ambition until I was filled with immense self satisfaction at my success at some ripe old age. That never came to me, and I was pissed about it. I saw my other friends from high school know exactly what they wanted to do-- and they DID it-- and then there I was, flopping between career paths because none of it really hit me with that zinger of that's the one. I felt ashamed, worthless at times even, and like I was only meant for mediocracy. I don't know if that's what you're feeling, but what you wrote really stood out to me. 

I had to learn (painfully, sometimes) that most people don't actually have that kind of life-altering revelation. Where you see it in movies-- that's where it exists. Very few people actually have the kind of goal that they stick with throughout their entire lives and are satisfied by that alone. I also don't know how old you are, but, I had to learn that even if what I ended up doing in my college career was what I had for the moment and the choice I made for now, there was no reason I couldn't go back and go to vet school. Hell, I almost did, but then my circumstances changed, and now I'm in a job that I really don't like that much, but it pays better. So maybe I sacrifice a few years of a job I don't like, because then I'll have experience, I'll have the funding, to make that next step. 

And  I also didn't go to art school because my parents told me that they wouldn't pay for it and that it would never amount to anything. I think one of the biggest struggles young people have with college-- at least the first time around-- is that the impressions and judgment of our parents very heavily influence what we end up choosing for ourselves. I really wish my parents had embraced and encouraged my art more. Maybe I would have gotten really good at it, or maybe I would have gotten bored and chosen something else anyway. But that is your choice to make. It is your life-- not theirs. You get to make the choices, good or bad, and even you end up not meeting whatever expectations they wanted for you (I'm pretty sure my moms were banking on me becoming a veterinarian) if you are HAPPY, it is worth it. 

 

You are also valid for feeling the way you do. Your feelings and emotions and frustrations are valid. It's your life, and if its not going the way you wanted or what you planned out, then hell yeah! Be frustrated! It's OK. Don't punish yourself for that. But even if you feel stuck right now, there will always be another chance. Maybe not as easy to come by as it was as someone fresh in college and choosing their first career path, but there is nothing that says you cannot go back and make a different choice. Have another career. Study what YOU want to study. And if it doesn't work out, that's OK too. Not every problem has a one-size fits all solution to it, or even a solution that fits in a pretty box, but you'll get there-- however messy, however easy or difficult it might be. And you can be as mad about it as you need to.  

[Thuban]

15 hours ago, AngesRadieux said:

But I'm realizing more and more it's just that thing I picked up as the most tolerable second choice. If I could go back and do it again, I'd go back to music in a heartbeat. And not having anywhere to sing makes it even worse, because telling myself I didn't have to choose and I could still sing and study music turned out to be a massive lie.

A friend of mine always wanted to be a teacher. He had a lot of hurdles to get through,and was forced down a different path, but that passion for teaching never left him. He eventually got tired of the path he went down, like you, he chose the tolerable second best. At 42, he decided he was no longer willing to settle for second best, he wanted to do what he loved, what he was passionate in. He went back to school, struggled tons (he is currently bouncing between 4 jobs) had set backs in his classes, but a week or so ago, he passed the exams needed to allow him to be a teacher, at 50 years old. His friends that cared about him, and knew what teaching meant to him, pushed him to do it, to face his fears and just do it. 

It might not be feasible at this time for you, but there are ways to bring the music back into your life. Can you fit an extra class here and there in to work towards your goal, even if it is a much slower path for you? Have you checked sites like fb and meet up for groups that just get together? Have you considered putting up flyers or something to gauge interest in putting a group together? Even if religion isn't your thing, churches might be a good place to go to find other people to sing with. Most that I have been to have a flyer board of sorts for advertising different events and groups (my daughter is currently highly religious, and I go with her to check out new ones, despite my own beliefs). 

If the past couple of years have taught me anything, its been to make a point to chase the things you are passionate about. Its always scary to go against the grain and choose the harder path, but if it is what you are truly passionate about, and what you feel you are meant to do, you'll find a way to make it happen, even if it has to sit on the back burner for awhile. Do what you need to do for now, make plans to find ways to work towards what you want to do. Your path will eventually swing back that direction, even if it feels like you are heading nowhere fast. 

[Aie]

It's past midnight where I live, so I can't really call a friend, but I just broke up with my partner of almost three years. Even though we will remain friends and agreed to separate (I was even the one to initiate it), I still feel awful. It was the right thing to do but I wish it wouldn't have come to this.

[HeatherMarie]

31 minutes ago, Aie said:

It's past midnight where I live, so I can't really call a friend, but I just broke up with my partner of almost three years. Even though we will remain friends and agreed to separate (I was even the one to initiate it), I still feel awful. It was the right thing to do but I wish it wouldn't have come to this.

 

Oh goodness I'm so sorry. That definitely feels awful no matter who initiated it or how mutual the decision was. I hope you two will have a better friendship, sometimes people are just much better as friends rather then as a couple. *sends hugs*

[JavaTigress]

*Sighs*
 

I sometimes wonder why I try.

 

Here is the thing...I enjoy chess.Or at least... I enjoy it when I am doing well. When I am NOT doing well...well, it isn't EXACTLY another matter, because I still don't quit playing. Oh, I have thought about it... and maybe I ought. BUT I don't. The thing is that I actually DO like the game and...well I would like to be GOOD at it. Like, as in 'actually WORTH something' good at it rather than just a wannabe. I hate that feeling. AND yet...despite the horrible suspicion that I have no PARTICULAR and especial talent for the game I keep coming back to it and spending my time on it anyway.

 

Why do I do this to myself? 

 

I realize this probably seems like a minor problem compared to what others have going on.

 

AND really it probably shouldn't BE such a big deal.

It is, after all, as others point out to me when I get like this, 'just a game'.

 

If only it felt that way to me.

 

Here is the thing. It hurts. HURTS because I want to be 'good enough' in my own mind. AND , guess what? Even when I am doing well.... I Often don't feel it is enough.

Other people have said I am probably better at it than I think..... but most of the people saying that don't play so I tend to shrug it off as that, I guess?

 

Bottom Line? I wish I could ahve the enjoyment of the game.... of winning.... without that sting of 'not good enough'.

Edited March 20, 2018 by JavaTigress