Emotional Support

[Kiisekii]

I don't think i'm gonna talk to my '''father'' ever again. 

We had a huge argument yesterday because he doesn't believe in therapy/mental illness. (He complained I don't go outside, he doesn't believe the anxiety I have.)

He always makes me feel really bad that I take medication... ;/

I'm so glad he doesn't live with us.

[The Dragoness]

3 hours ago, Kiisekii said:

I don't think i'm gonna talk to my '''father'' ever again. 

We had a huge argument yesterday because he doesn't believe in therapy/mental illness. (He complained I don't go outside, he doesn't believe the anxiety I have.)

He always makes me feel really bad that I take medication... ;/

I'm so glad he doesn't live with us.

*Hugs*

 

I kind of know how that feels. My dad often says that I use my anxiety as an "excuse" to be a terrible person. He used to tell me that someday I would be all alone in the world and that I would deserve it for not paying enough attention to my faimly. That terrified me as a kid. I'm currently taking meds for it and seeing a therapist, neither of which have helped much, so he thinks it's all just a way to get attention. But I'm learning to stop letting myself care about what he thinks.

 

Just hang in there. You know that your anxiety is a real thing and you're doing what you can to make yourself happier and healthier. That's all that matters. If distancing yourself from him will help you with that, then it might be a good idea, at least for the time being. Finding distractions like reading or drawing or even just listening to music can give your mind somewhere else to go too. If you ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to send me a PM <3

[Kiisekii]

On 9/26/2017 at 4:04 PM, The Dragoness said:

*Hugs*

 

I kind of know how that feels. My dad often says that I use my anxiety as an "excuse" to be a terrible person. He used to tell me that someday I would be all alone in the world and that I would deserve it for not paying enough attention to my faimly. That terrified me as a kid. I'm currently taking meds for it and seeing a therapist, neither of which have helped much, so he thinks it's all just a way to get attention. But I'm learning to stop letting myself care about what he thinks.

 

Just hang in there. You know that your anxiety is a real thing and you're doing what you can to make yourself happier and healthier. That's all that matters. If distancing yourself from him will help you with that, then it might be a good idea, at least for the time being. Finding distractions like reading or drawing or even just listening to music can give your mind somewhere else to go too. If you ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to send me a PM <3

Thank you very much, I really appreciate it...

I hate that I let him get to me like that but it really hurt, y'know? (He also sounded disgusted/angry when I started to cry) 

But luckily I do have things to distract myself with, like music as you said.(I feel truly alive when listening to music)

[audri0]

Alright honestly I don't like talking about my problems, because who cares? But whatever, I need to get some of this off my chest... People always tell me "Oh! You're opinion matters!" "You should talk more!" And things like that.

But as much as I might try to get out of my little shy bubble I can't do it. If I start talking, I usually never say everything I was going to, like either people don't care or they just never pay attention, I have no idea. Either way I have gotten into this mindset of do not speak unless spoken too. And I've noticed, people don't care.

Even my best friend, she rather talk to someone she "hates" than me, And by that she told me they hate that person, but she talks more to that person than me. I never talk about my feelings to anyone anymore, no matter how much I want to, I just get the idea of "Who cares, I don't matter anyway." But hey! I'm used to this by now. My friend deserves someone better than an awful person like me. As much as she deserves that, same with my family, I am utterly terrified of the thought of being alone. Even though I don't want to be forgotten or alone, my family and friend deserve someone... Amazing.

I am also probably gonna to regret posting this, because I hate bothering people with my own dumb problems. But I just... I don't know... Someone to talk to without being ridiculed.

[Coryn02]

Man, has it ever been a while since I was here.

 

I have a myriad of issues, so convoluted and compounded it's often difficult to know where to begin, so I guess I'll try and keep things simple and start from where this all stemmed from.

 

I finished high school last year. My parents were generally supportive while also encouraging high standards, which I was fine with. At least, until I nearly failed an online course and only managed to pass with a 75% after my teacher helped me out. After that point, they became convinced I was not ready to go off to school, and decided to hold me back until the following September, at which point I would presumably go to university.

 

A while back, I realized this really wasn't working, since aside from working a job (one thing my parents insisted on strongly) and no longer attending school, I really wasn't doing anything differently. I decided to use a through-the-phone counseling service to get some help, but I feel as if the single session I got from it didn't really help me out.

 

My only reprieve from the negative feelings of uncertainty about my future were my video game hobby (which aside from being a touchy subject with my parents, were really just an escape) and my Dungeons and Dragons campaign.

 

Every Thursday, I go to my local game store and meet with some friends. I met the dungeon-master through volunteering for a local elementary science fair, and we've been doing this for over a year now. It's great, and my parents even seem to approve a bit since it makes me happy and gives me reason to get out of the house.

 

At least, this was the case. The day before yesterday, I found out my dungeon-master had been in a motorcycle accident. He died instantly.

 

Even discounting the serious emotional disruption that comes with losing a good friend, all of my other problems loom even more closely. Talking to my family about my other problems only resulted in failure, and they are very busy with financial issues and working nearly around the clock (to make matters worse, my father works out of town, so I hardly see him at all).

 

So now, I feel even worse than I did before, with no real way out. I didn't even talk about everything, but I figured I'd at least get it out there first.

[The Dragoness]

I found out yesterday that my boyfriend is enlisting in the military in the spring. Today he told me that he doesn't want to juggle his job and a relationship with me, so we'll have to break up before he leaves. This all came as a complete surprise. We've been dating for almost a year. I know this is important to him, but he doesn't even want to attempt to make it work. I'm terrified that he'll get hurt and I know I'm going to miss him like crazy. He's my best friend. But I'll also still have feelings for him for a long time and not being able to act on those feelings will hurt. I feel like I'm losing a big part of my world right now.

 

There's no one I can talk to about this without being told to just get over it, so I'm going to leave my depressing rant here.

[Ruby Eyes]

Yeah, some people seem to think you could just detach your heart and put it in a freezer for a while

{{{hugs @The Dragoness}}}

[HeatherMarie]

I'm doing really well right now, mentally, but... After my 19-day stay in the hospital in June I started going to weekly therapy to deal with what had happened. It's since been changed to every other week, which is fine. I'm honestly doing fine. For awhile I was sorta freaking out constantly about what happened in the hospital, but I really don't think about it much anymore. But... I only have two therapy appointments left (insurance only pays for a certain number). She's encouraging me to join a weekly theraputic group, and I will check it out but I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that. I will still have weekly appts with my peer support, so it's not like I'll be going with no support. But it kind of... makes me nervous. I know I don't really need the therapy anymore, but being without is is just sort of scary, especially since if something happens and I do need it again it takes over a month to re-do paperwork for it.

[Kyath The Dream Worker]

On 2017. 10. 12. at 10:09 AM, Marie19R said:

I'm doing really well right now, mentally, but... After my 19-day stay in the hospital in June I started going to weekly therapy to deal with what had happened. It's since been changed to every other week, which is fine. I'm honestly doing fine. For awhile I was sorta freaking out constantly about what happened in the hospital, but I really don't think about it much anymore. But... I only have two therapy appointments left (insurance only pays for a certain number). She's encouraging me to join a weekly theraputic group, and I will check it out but I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that. I will still have weekly appts with my peer support, so it's not like I'll be going with no support. But it kind of... makes me nervous. I know I don't really need the therapy anymore, but being without is is just sort of scary, especially since if something happens and I do need it again it takes over a month to re-do paperwork for it.

 

*Hugs you*

[Kyath The Dream Worker]

I think that's odd...

 

No real life thing can motivate me.

Exactly, I can't focus on things I should do well but myself.

I feel like I'm very selfish, worthless person. And I feel like living in daydream not real world too...

It's shame I can't taming myself and overcome human instincts well.

 

And.. I don't see why I should have goals of my life. To be honest, I don't know why I should keep live.

Wondering why my mom gave me birth. And it would be better I completely going insane.

Edited November 2, 2017 by Kyath The Dream Worker

[HeatherMarie]

8 hours ago, Kyath The Dream Worker said:

I think that's odd...

This

No real life thing can motivate me.

Exactly, I can't focus on things I should do well but myself.

I feel like I'm very selfish, worthless person. And I feel like living in daydream not real world too...

It's shame I can't taming myself and overcome human instincts well.

 

And.. I don't see why I should have goals of my life. To be honest, I don't know why I should keep live.

Wondering why my mom gave me birth. And it would be better I completely going insane.

 

*hugs so much*

 

I've had very similar feelings in the past. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? (And I don't want to overstep here, but do you have a history of mental issues? This sounds very similar to how I feel when my depression is coming back. If you may have an issue like that you may be able to get help in that area.) I think it's completely normal for someone to question their life, their goals, their purpose, every once in awhile, but when it interferes with daily life (like being unmotivated to do anything)... *hugs* I hope things start looking up for you, however that may happen.

 

(Update on me: I've stopped therapy, and attended group once but it didn't go well. I'm "fine" right now, although I'm starting to worry my depression may be coming back because it's 2 days into my favorite time of the year (National Novel Writing Month) and I don't have any motivation or want to participate.)

[Coheart]

I ended my seven year relationship. It sounds like a lot... and I miss him often, but it was time. I had to do what I had to do. We use to do DC together. Now I'm rather lonely.

 

I mean we use to do everything together. Watch tv, movies, play games, sleep next to each other.

 

I guess I'm just lonely. And I know his DC lineage will come to an end without me bothering him about it.....

 

It was like the mixing of our families. 

[XiraCaster]

Could really use a hug or just a little support right now. unu Too tired to write a full explanation (haven't gotten a lick of decent sleep in hours so thoughts are rather scrambled) but just a little bit of good could make my day. 

[prpldrgnfr]

8 minutes ago, DarknessDragon197 said:

Could really use a hug or just a little support right now. unu Too tired to write a full explanation (haven't gotten a lick of decent sleep in hours so thoughts are rather scrambled) but just a little bit of good could make my day. 

*hugs*

[Duysterwald]

On 8-7-2017 at 4:46 PM, kitty39 said:

My whole life is literally in pieces right now, I feel so lost and alone....

My boyfriend and me had a baby at the start at this year and baby is sadly very poorly, he started to get sick at two weeks old and so far he's not improving. The doctors have suggested a milk allergy and reflux but we're not sure, all we know is he's not eating and not happy. We've had countless hospital trips and diagnoses but still he cries or whispers day and night.........

 

The near constant crying had a big effect on me and my bf and we're now so close to splitting. It started with bf yelling at me when baby cried, I don't try hard enough and it's not good enough, the doctors aren't doing enough either he says. I begged him to help me, do anything to help. But no, he didn't clean or help me with baby, when I told him baby was poorly I was told he's fine, teething, it's a phase etc. I cleaned our home and cared for baby myself for 3 months, maybe more, with 0 help from him.

 

I isolated myself and baby, I couldn't take the yelling and I have a responsibility as a parent to protect baby from anything negative. I love baby and it's not fair for bf to be that way, I cried to him to stop and again asked for help... again I got nothing.

 

Nearly 6 months on and bf has cheated on me with a girl online, I read all his messages and the smashed up his ipad, I fell to the floor and cried. I grabbed baby and left for my mother in laws house, I never wanted to see him again, after all he told this girl he "loves her". Sadly rather than my mother in law being home, his grandma was, I was quickly told off for being childish, however I had not to,do her what he had done as not to cause bf issues.

 

Bf arrived and explained his side, he had cheated as I had isolated myself and baby from him, hetc claimed it was my fault. I told him he never helped with baby he just put baby down and ignored it, he said because I'd isolated baby from him he didn't know how to care for him.....

 

Now here we are, I've explained the full story to bf today that: yelling > isolation/protect baby > cheating. I'm miserable, baby I still poorly and seeing doctors twice a month if he's not in hospital, I can't sleep I just cry, I hate to look in the mirror because surely his cheating means I'm to ugly and not good enough. My whole life's been shattered and we are both miserable. He wants to keep trying but it feels different, he's not himself anymore,  he's not the man I fell for.  I found a YouTube video of him and her playing a game online, he's himself with her like how he was with me. 

I'm also now very sick from the stress, I've developed a cyst on my ovary from the stress, I have stomach pain a lot now from it and cant eat much. 

 

I don't know what to do, I just want my boy back. The one I fell for, the one who loved me and would do anything for me but I think he's gone?

 

I am very sorry to hear that you and your baby currently find yourselves in such a difficult situation. If I may say so, though, your boyfriend sounds abusive to me. He may not be physically abusive, but from the sounds of it, certainly emotionally (e.g. putting all of the blame on you, while he is the father and is therefore equally responsible for the baby) and verbally abusive (e.g. yelling at you). He is irresponsible and immature at best, both as a boyfriend and a father, because yelling at you and running to another woman whilst both his only child and the mother of his child are suffering, is not what a responsible, mature, loving, caring and involved boyfriend and father does. That is probably very hard to hear, since you love him dearly and don't want to think ill of someone you love so much, but think about it. What would you think and say if a dear friend of yours was in exactly the same situation and her boyfriend treated her and their baby like this? Try to look at your situation from an objective observer's eyes for a moment. I would also advise you to steer clear of his family, because they are his family and are therefore always going to side with him. They will always favour him over you, so you can't really trust them to have your best interest at their hearts.

 

Could I ask you to please go to Reddit and share your story in the subreddit called /r/relationships? I visit that sub frequently and they typically have *very* good advice, especially for women like yourselves who are stranded in dysfunctional and (borderline) abusive relationships. I have certainly read about situations similar to yours there before. Please do yourself and your baby a favour and post your story there, it will only cost a few minutes of your time and you will get probably 100+ helpful responses in return (some from people with personal experience in situations like yours). I'm certain you won't regret it. In the meantime, please hang in there and reach out to your own family and friends if you can, instead of his family. Unless your family is abusive or something along those lines, they should be more trustworthy in regard to your well-being than your boyfriend's family is.

[georgexu94]

Naturally, I would have found out the girl I fancy does not and will not have the same feelings. I just had the little bit of nerve to ask and the situation didn't turn out nicely as I would want it. It's alright though as it probably is for the best. All I just want is a friend here to talk about it.

 

I just have thoughts swimming in my head as to why it has to be, or maybe I'm not ready for a relationship yet and so Life has to keep the door close at the meantime. Or if I have qualities that I still lack. It's quite bothersome. I know that I read that it's not because you are not loveable that people will reject you, just a matter of preference. I believe this. However, it just doesn't feel like that to me currently.

[The Dragoness]

3 hours ago, georgexu94 said:

Naturally, I would have found out the girl I fancy does not and will not have the same feelings. I just had the little bit of nerve to ask and the situation didn't turn out nicely as I would want it. It's alright though as it probably is for the best. All I just want is a friend here to talk about it.

 

I just have thoughts swimming in my head as to why it has to be, or maybe I'm not ready for a relationship yet and so Life has to keep the door close at the meantime. Or if I have qualities that I still lack. It's quite bothersome. I know that I read that it's not because you are not loveable that people will reject you, just a matter of preference. I believe this. However, it just doesn't feel like that to me currently.

*Hugs*

 

Hang in there, okay? I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that. It's so hard to have your heart broken by someone so dear to you. Sometimes people just don't *click* though, and rejection really is better than a one-sided relationship. That doesn't mean she dislikes you as a person. She just doesn't quite see you as something more. There's nothing wrong with your personality or your appearance or your interests at all. Really, just keep being yourself. You deserve someone that shares those interests and *clicks* with you. Get yourself out there. Dating sites, work events, even just local coffee shops can be a great way to meet more people. No one is destined to be alone.

 

I somewhat know what it's like to be in your shoes. I had a boyfriend of two years dump me out of the blue to enlist in the military. He was my best friend and we had made plans to start a life together, so it was really hard. For a long time I thought it was because I wasn't good enough in his eyes and if I could change, he would rethink his decision. But that's not true. It still hurts to miss him and worry about his safety. But life doesn't stop and wait for anything, so I kept going. And I promise that you can too. Just give it time.

Edited November 15, 2017 by The Dragoness

[HeatherMarie]

Okay, so I think I just kind of need to get this out, and there is nowhere else online where I can do that, so...

 

A week ago my mom had knee surgery, and while it's healing fine things are just... Stressful. For the first few days she was on doctor-ordered bed rest, which meant I had to do everything for her, from fixing her food to fetching water and pills, to the household stuff she usually does like washing dishes (which somehow *always* makes me anxious). She's up and about now, but still in a very limited way, which means I'm still doing a lot more responsibilities then usual. And she had her follow-up appointment yesterday, and according to the doctor she is *never* supposed to kneel down, like ever again. And she's not supposed to bend over for another three weeks, which means I'll have to continue doing a lot of stuff for her for awhile. Today was my first day back at work since her surgery, and although I only work 4 hours a day I was pretty much stressing the entire time about mom being alone and possibly hurting herself or doing something she's not supposed to or falling or or or. She was fine, but yeah. Not fun.

[pretty_thumb]

43 minutes ago, Marie19R said:

Okay, so I think I just kind of need to get this out, and there is nowhere else online where I can do that, so...

 

A week ago my mom had knee surgery, and while it's healing fine things are just... Stressful. For the first few days she was on doctor-ordered bed rest, which meant I had to do everything for her, from fixing her food to fetching water and pills, to the household stuff she usually does like washing dishes (which somehow *always* makes me anxious). She's up and about now, but still in a very limited way, which means I'm still doing a lot more responsibilities then usual. And she had her follow-up appointment yesterday, and according to the doctor she is *never* supposed to kneel down, like ever again. And she's not supposed to bend over for another three weeks, which means I'll have to continue doing a lot of stuff for her for awhile. Today was my first day back at work since her surgery, and although I only work 4 hours a day I was pretty much stressing the entire time about mom being alone and possibly hurting herself or doing something she's not supposed to or falling or or or. She was fine, but yeah. Not fun.

 

It can be so stressful worrying about and caring for an injured or sick loved one. I'm glad your mom came through the surgery okay, and proud you have been able to step up in her place and care for her like she has for you in the past. It's hard to be away from anyone we love, especially when they're in serious condition like your mom; thankfully your shifts are short and hopefully she isn't too stubborn and doesn't try to do anything while you're away. 

[Earth Gurl]

Yeah I don't know what to do. I recently had a really bad concussion (my 8th or 9th I believe) that required 5 staples. I had my first stitches in my head at 2 years old, my second at 7. Since then, I've had multiple undiagnosed concussions that resulted in my blacking out, having seizures, or resulted in severe headaches. I was referred from the university health center to the concussion clinic on campus, and they determined that I have balance and memory problems along with the severe anxiety and "I don't feel right..." symptoms. They referred me to a therapist. I've never been to one before (even thru some severe trauma from my ex boyfriend as well as severe depression and anxiety in high school; anger issues, the like), and I thought yeah maybe I'll try this out. I called my dad, and he and my mother outright laughed at me and became very angry that I would even consider seeing a therapist. They made me feel stupid and ashamed of myself.

I am overwhelmed to the point where I don't enjoy things anymore. I slightly speculate that I have some sort of personality disorder stemming from family history (that includes schizophrenia among other things), a history of intense bullying, abuse, and childhood trauma. I feel ashamed to even say that, because I've had a perfect life. I had a happy childhood, I'm smart, I have a bright future. But I feel like I need to talk to someone. I don't feel right. Additionally, I'm taking more hours at school than I ever have and my car just went out on me (one of the most favorite things I have). I've been struggling at school more than I ever have. I'm an honors student and I can't make the grades I want anymore, no matter how much I study. I'm also utterly alone. I have my boyfriend with me 24/7, but my friends and I have drifted apart due to some traumatic circumstances. I've just experienced some things in college that have really changed me and changed my outlook on life, and I don't know what to do without a therapist. My insurance won't cover it either. 

[HeatherMarie]

@Earth Gurl Oh goodness I'm so sorry. Therapy is certainly nothing to be ashamed of, and it's honestly not a reflection on you or your life... I had a fairly awesome childhood but I've been in therapy for over half my life now. It sounds like you've gone through some stuff that may benefit from being addressed, whether to make sure it's not contributing to your symptoms or just to be able to put it behind you. You have a lot on your plate right now and honestly school can be really really stressful for anyone, and some people need help to deal with it, and that's not a bad thing at all. It really sucks that your insurance doesn't cover therapy though, I've never had to worry about that... Can you afford it yourself? Depending on where you live there may be some therapists who charge based on what you can afford, I know more and more places have that available nowadays. Also, I don't know your relationship with your parents but this may be something that you just don't discuss with them; Some parents tend to view it as a personal failure if their kid goes to therapy, or may even have the view that "we raised you to be stronger then that" or whatever, but that is their problem and their biased thinking and you shouldn't let that get in the way of doing what you need to do.

[pretty_thumb]

39 minutes ago, Earth Gurl said:

Yeah I don't know what to do. I recently had a really bad concussion (my 8th or 9th I believe) that required 5 staples. I had my first stitches in my head at 2 years old, my second at 7. Since then, I've had multiple undiagnosed concussions that resulted in my blacking out, having seizures, or resulted in severe headaches. I was referred from the university health center to the concussion clinic on campus, and they determined that I have balance and memory problems along with the severe anxiety and "I don't feel right..." symptoms. They referred me to a therapist. I've never been to one before (even thru some severe trauma from my ex boyfriend as well as severe depression and anxiety in high school; anger issues, the like), and I thought yeah maybe I'll try this out. I called my dad, and he and my mother outright laughed at me and became very angry that I would even consider seeing a therapist. They made me feel stupid and ashamed of myself.

I am overwhelmed to the point where I don't enjoy things anymore. I slightly speculate that I have some sort of personality disorder stemming from family history (that includes schizophrenia among other things), a history of intense bullying, abuse, and childhood trauma. I feel ashamed to even say that, because I've had a perfect life. I had a happy childhood, I'm smart, I have a bright future. But I feel like I need to talk to someone. I don't feel right. Additionally, I'm taking more hours at school than I ever have and my car just went out on me (one of the most favorite things I have). I've been struggling at school more than I ever have. I'm an honors student and I can't make the grades I want anymore, no matter how much I study. I'm also utterly alone. I have my boyfriend with me 24/7, but my friends and I have drifted apart due to some traumatic circumstances. I've just experienced some things in college that have really changed me and changed my outlook on life, and I don't know what to do without a therapist. My insurance won't cover it either. 

 

First of all, I'm sorry you've been through so much - but it's awful to see someone minimizing the painful and traumatic events they've been through. Did you catch yourself saying you've had "a perfect life" right after mentioning severe bullying, abuse, and childhood trauma? None of us have had a perfect life - there's nothing to be ashamed of in that, though. Being human is being imperfect and surviving through terrible experiences and (hopefully) coming out of them a better person. 

 

It sounds like the health center also should have referred you to a hospital or doctor's office specializing in head wounds or neurology. Clearly this is something that is affecting your day-to-day life and functionality. Having issues with balance, blacking out, seizures, migraines, etc. are all indicative of damage left from an untreated head injury. Your issues that are causing health professionals to ask you to seek therapy could definitely also be connected to multiple head injuries. I can relate to you a bit on this level; last year, I was hospitalized with mono (which changed how I felt as a human completely) and had a fall around a year later (this spring) that resulted in a non-serious (I guess) head injury. Ever since then, I've had issues controlling my emotions, I get irrationally, murderously angry over the stupidest things, I'm more forgetful than ever, I'm having panic attacks weekly, sometimes my brain just *quits* for a second, AND my anxiety and depression are arguably worse than they've ever been in my life. My family has a long history of mental illness (also including schizophrenia) so I can empathize with you on worrying if your symptoms could be a part of that. They could be, but I would explore help from a neurologist first. 

 

I'm not sure if your university has one (I'm assuming health services would've suggested it), but many find campus counseling centers to be helpful (and FREE~) - especially when seeking help elsewhere isn't an option. If nothing else you're able to use them as a resource and a safe haven as a place of understanding. I know at my school some students (myself included) just go work on homework, read, color, etc. in the lounge area of the counseling center. It can be quite relieving just sitting quietly next to someone you may not even speak to but still feel a sort of kinship with - they're in a similar boat and they're going to be okay, too. 

 

Best of luck and know that you aren't alone in the world.

[Earth Gurl]

Thank you @QueenErica and @Marie19R. That means a lot to hear that. My roommate suggested I contact her therapist who charges $50 a session, but I'll probably hold off until I have time to work more hours. I really need to have a bit of spending money for Christmas this year. My parents have always been supportive, but I don't know if it's their conservative nature (?) but they've always been highly against therapy. It would honestly be so refreshing to even talk to a licensed professional. The most they did was take me to my regular doctor when I was a junior in high school for anxiety, and she prescribed me Buspar. It was okay, but I found it hard to do anything while taking it. Now I would love to have something like that to bring me out of my panic attacks. My dad basically worded it over the phone has "Are you out of your mind? You're just going to have to get over it. They're just trying to get more money out of you, you're smarter than that. You have nothing to worry about. You can't afford that right now." and I could hear my mom yelling in the background "She thinks she needs therapy? Oh my god " When I was going through a lot, and I was on the buspar, my dad told me he didn't like me taking medication for anxiety (probably stemming from my mom's stint with prozac), so I came up with my own coping methods that simply don't work anymore.

 

I just have a hard time seeing my problems as valid. I have everything I've ever needed, I'm privileged beyond belief, born with a silver spoon. I live in a lovely town and go to a wonderful university, and I shouldn't have a worry in the world. But I'm all messed up. A lot of the things I've gone through, I like to second guess that they actually even happened because sometimes when I tell people, they don't believe me or they don't understand. The bullying hurt bad. I went to a private religious school with a class of around 30 people. I was branded the ugly girl and no one would talk to me, and if I said anything I was dismissed. I couldn't ever dream of even dating someone. And I'm not ugly at all, but I just accepted it. It's given me a warped sense of myself. I've had things said to me that I still can't believe a human being could say to another. I have a lot of things buried. And that's not even getting into my first serious relationship.

 

The hospital sent me to the university health center, and the health center sent me to a concussion research clinic. My dad seemed to not understand the connection between a head wound and being referred to therapy to assess any emotional problems/irritability/depression/anxiety that I've been experiencing along with it. I'm very sorry to hear about your mono, Marie19R. I've heard it's the worst of the worst.  Those sound exactly like my symptoms. The murderous rage has always been there though for me. I've learned to control it for the most part. I have pretty serious anger issues. I've cried every day since the accident over NOTHING. Just panicking over nothing. I cry and flinch whenever my boyfriend even tries to give me a hug and I don't know why. (He has never done anything to hurt me EVER). My brain shuts down when people ask me questions or ask me to remember things or whenever I'm confronted with a minor problem. I get random stabbing headaches or random pressure headaches behind my eyes or in my temples. My boyfriend says I've been acting very different.

 

That counseling center sounds absolutely wonderful. Unfortunately, CAPS (the free counseling service for my university) has a horrible track record of reporting students to the authorities if they speak about underage drinking or minor drug usage. (Not that either of those issues I've dealt with but are VERY common in university life), but it makes me feel like they don't really care. I was stalked once at the university for a couple weeks, and the Equal Opportunity Office basically told me I was lying after several girls (whom I didn't know were experiencing the same problem) came forward about the same guy. The guy from EOO told me over the phone "He said he was under the influence of drugs and that none of this ever happened, so I think that you should close your case." I no longer trust my university in any sensitive aspect. I would love to go to a neurologist but there's no way I can afford it. I'm already dealing with a $7,000 hospital bill (my insurance paid $300) just for being admitted, having a CT scan, and getting staples. 

 

Thank you both, I no longer feel alone. It feels really good to talk about what I'm going through with others. I need to get active and social and meet some new friends to spend time with and get my mind off of things. 

 

 

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@Earth Gurl I'm so sorry to hear how your university treats its students. Unfortunately that seems to be a commonality - not believing victims, sweeping things under the rug, telling victims to "get over it", etc. I'm fortunate to go to a university that has a Title IX Coordinator who really cares about students and their safety. Every matter that was reported was seriously investigated and dealt with in a timely manner. I'm so sorry that your university hasn't offered you that, as they should. I wouldn't bother going to your counseling center, either - you can't possibly get help there if you can't trust that what you say will be confidential. Trust is essential to therapy/counseling. 

 

I would definitely encourage you to go out and make more friends - and rekindle friendships from the past if they were healthy, happy, and not one-sided. Having people who care about you and understand you in a way that family never will is so so important anyway, but especially after what you've been through. And even if you have been blessed in life, that doesn't mean that the curses the world may throw at you are any less potent or justifiably upsetting. I have a hard time acknowledging that my issues are issues in themselves, too; other people around the world exist in pain each passing moment - who am I to complain about my few moments of pain? Sometimes you just need reminding, though. Just because other people may have it worse, doesn't mean that your problems aren't problems too. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm a PM away and it sounds like we can relate on quite a bit.  

Edited November 18, 2017 by QueenErica

[Sazandora]

Yeah, I could use an internet hug or something.

 

Last night I had a dream of a certain someone. A person that I've been trying to forget about for years now, but she (at least in my head) just won't leave me alone. She used to be the best friend I've ever had. She got me into drawing, got me into trying my hand at writing -- for years, we were pretty much inseparable. We promised to each other that we'd never abandon one another no matter what happened. Flash forward a few years, I move out of town to my mother's place, and... my friend does exactly what she promised she wouldn't do. Dropped all contact, hardly bothered to call me or text me or anything at all, saw her maybe once when I went back to my old home town to visit some friends. Last year during my birthday she sent me a text and promised to call me the next day, and she never did. After that, total radio silence.

I kept going with my life, hoping and wishing that she'd contact me again someday, I really missed her and wanted her back in my life... but then, almost a whole year later, I decided I've had enough. Yeah, yeah, I know that friends come and go and all that stuff, I shouldn't be too upset about it. But, this friend of mine was my whole life back then. The ONLY friend I had for years, the one who basically made me who I am now. And now... she basically abandoned me. I felt upset about it for some time, but that's not the point of this post.

 

I keep having dreams of her every now and then, where she'd try to be friendly with me again, try to approach me and be like nothing had ever happened, but in my dreams I always cuss her out and sometimes even attack her, and she leaves in tears. And that dream I had last night was no different, there she even said she wanted to be friends with me again, but I told her to off and drove her out of my house. And when she didn't want to leave, getting all tearful again, I literally kicked her out. Kicked and beat her until she left.

I guess I should be disturbed by how violent my dream-self is. Whatever. I'm upset because she (in my head) won't leave me the alone! I just want her out of my life for good and stop having reoccurring dreams of her where the same things happen over and over again.

 

Look, I even thought about cutting myself because I was so angry and couldn't think of any other ways to let it out. I'm a stupid person who just can't stop doing stupid things when I get stupidly mad.

 

...whatever.