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@Tesla Don't worry too much about this. Think about yourself positively. I've had something similar to you after two really harsh years. Well, I still have, but not that much. Sometimes I still can't enjoy things that I used to enjoy. Give yourself some time. This helps me and I hope this will help you too. Additionally, I looking back to years when I was fully happy. I trying to find out what made me happy then. <Hugs you very much and having hope that your negative feelings will run away because of that hug.>

 

@HeatherMarie Don't focus to find out what make you feel that way. It will confuse you even more. Focus on something that relax you or makes you happy. I'ts very sad to me that you had depression. I really want to hug you and say "You're awesome and interesting person". :)

 

If you two will ever think about yourself negatively, think about me: someone in this world who's says that you deserves everything good. You both are wonderfull. :)

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13 hours ago, Gothh said:

@Tesla Don't worry too much about this. Think about yourself positively. I've had something similar to you after two really harsh years. Well, I still have, but not that much. Sometimes I still can't enjoy things that I used to enjoy. Give yourself some time. This helps me and I hope this will help you too. Additionally, I looking back to years when I was fully happy. I trying to find out what made me happy then. <Hugs you very much and having hope that your negative feelings will run away because of that hug.>

 

@HeatherMarie Don't focus to find out what make you feel that way. It will confuse you even more. Focus on something that relax you or makes you happy. I'ts very sad to me that you had depression. I really want to hug you and say "You're awesome and interesting person". :)

 

If you two will ever think about yourself negatively, think about me: someone in this world who's says that you deserves everything good. You both are wonderfull. :)

If I may add tot his and say that I KNOW from my own experience I am my own worst critic , to be honest.

 

So... jsut remember, that internal negativity is NOT necessarily an accurate representation of yourself, or even of how others see you. 

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Okay, so, I'm kinda freaking out right now. We have just been informed that we basically have to bag up and/or throw away a good 80% of the entire apartment, and I have no idea how on earth we are going to accomplish it. Basically, we've had a long-standing bug issue here, and the pest control business that the apartment complex uses has sprayed sooooooo many times, but it's never totally gotten rid of them. So we're at the point where they have to do a big, 'deep' spray, which includes us being out of the apartment for 24 hours (don't know how we'll do that either, nowhere else to go!) and bagging up *every* piece of clothing, bedding, fabric, etc... The list we were given includes stuff like 'Discard cardboard boxes, shoeboxes, paper and plastic bags, old newspapers, stacks of magazines, and any similar items' and 'remove everything from dresser drawers, nightstands, and dressing tables' and I really have no idea how we can do all this. Mom just spent her last $20 on big trash bags to start bagging stuff up, but I have so many questions, do I have to get rid of all my storage boxes that include old memories, what about all my books? Omg if they say I have to get rid of my books I might as well just start looking for a new place to live because that is NOT happening. 

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18 hours ago, HeatherMarie said:

Okay, so, I'm kinda freaking out right now. We have just been informed that we basically have to bag up and/or throw away a good 80% of the entire apartment, and I have no idea how on earth we are going to accomplish it. Basically, we've had a long-standing bug issue here, and the pest control business that the apartment complex uses has sprayed sooooooo many times, but it's never totally gotten rid of them. So we're at the point where they have to do a big, 'deep' spray, which includes us being out of the apartment for 24 hours (don't know how we'll do that either, nowhere else to go!) and bagging up *every* piece of clothing, bedding, fabric, etc... The list we were given includes stuff like 'Discard cardboard boxes, shoeboxes, paper and plastic bags, old newspapers, stacks of magazines, and any similar items' and 'remove everything from dresser drawers, nightstands, and dressing tables' and I really have no idea how we can do all this. Mom just spent her last $20 on big trash bags to start bagging stuff up, but I have so many questions, do I have to get rid of all my storage boxes that include old memories, what about all my books? Omg if they say I have to get rid of my books I might as well just start looking for a new place to live because that is NOT happening. 

You dont necessarily have to get rid of all of your things, but you do have to be super vigilant. If you have your own dryer: run everything that can handle heat safely through it on the highest heat setting,for at least an hour before bagging. invest in a steam cleaner (they can be as cheap as 25 bucks) and use it on the beds, couches and everything you can, going slow and letting the heat penetrate deep. If you have a porch/balcony, take things that cant go in the dryer easily, shove them in a black bag, seal tightly and leave in the sun, or better yet, a car parked in full sun to "cook" as long as possible. Boos and papers are major hidey holes, so those, you either are going to need to go page by page making sure they are clear, and if you arent 100% sure they arent hiding any, either toss, or try freezing. Store socks, panties and such in ziploc baggies after pulling them from th dryer, so theres no chance of reinfestation.

Spray any bugs you see with alcohol (be very careful about fire risks...). Pull all beds and furniture a few inches from the wall, you can place the legs in small bowls filled with oil (the more places you can eliminate contact between walls/floor and furniture the better as they dont jump or fly). Try to eliminate as much clutter as you can. DE powder, food grade dusted everywhere is helpful (wear a mask while using it, and give it a few hours to let it settle, but its safe to leave everywhere, and cuts their shells and dehydrates them). Get into the habit of trying to spend a few hours at least once a week going room to room checking every hiding spot and location you have seen them, and cleaning them out by hand, or with heat/alcohol/raid spray followed by a good vaccuming. 

Unfortunately, the more stuff you have, the more likely things will survive the spraying. If the complex isnt treating the surrounding apartments all at the same time, chances are you're gonna keep getting them.Heat is the most effective way for getting them all dead in one go, but its stupidly expensive and complexes like to do the cheapest available route. DE powder is fairly cheap, and proved highly effective for us on our infestation. I bought a 3lb container 5 years ago, and have over half of it left despite having dusted the house weekly for a few months. I use it on the pets for flea control too, and in the yard/ around the house for ant and spider control. :)

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I'm going through one of my weird mood cycles again. I have no appetite, so I've lost a few pounds this week and keep getting headaches from dehydration. I don't feel motivated to do anything but sleep--working is hell. I would just call someone and go out, but most of my friends are off on crazy summer vacations. If I were smart, I would at least start taking the useless antidepressant pills I dropped months ago, but I don't want to end up like my mother. I think I'm just going to sleep the next three months away. At least my classes will give me something to focus on in the fall. These cycles never last forever.

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So, I finally made the big step I was dreading, and informed my husband I am moving out, and want a divorce. The hardest part will be not living with the kids anymore, but I'll be close enough by to see them every day.

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@Thuban Thank you so much for the advice, details like that are definitely more helpful then the vague explanation the apartment manager gave us! Good luck with the divorce and moving out, it's a huge step but can often turn out to be the best decision ever. 

 

@The Dragoness Have you done research on the pills you don't want to take? I know taking pills is a very personal decision for many, but the more informed you are the better you can make a decision based on facts instead of fear about whatever happened with your mother. I've tried more antidepressants then I can count over the years, some didn't help much, some had bad side effects, but some are literally a large part of the reason I'm still alive. It might not be the right choice for you, but it's probably a good idea to consider your options.

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2 hours ago, HeatherMarie said:

@Thuban Thank you so much for the advice, details like that are definitely more helpful then the vague explanation the apartment manager gave us! Good luck with the divorce and moving out, it's a huge step but can often turn out to be the best decision ever. 

 

The sheet they gave you is because they want to clear as much surface area as they can, in order to be able to douse it with as much spray as possible. Do what you can to check everything for bugs before packing, to help them be able to get them more effectively. They wont be able to get them all, but if you can keep vigilant after they come next, and dust the place before you unpack it certainly will help keep them down to more managable amounts (or you'll get whats left on your own). I doubt they suggested it, but consider taking the outlet covers off and stuff too, so their sprays can get in them. They can hide in every crack, nook and cranny, so you'll wanna make sure you check the place over really well for things that could be sealed up better before unpacking. 

You'll get them handled fully, eventually.. but they are a rough, rough beast to get rid of. 

 

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I hate getting stressed about talking to others, sometimes it's just minor things, like making a phone call or like, asking a store worker for help, but it's even worse when I'm stressed about talking to my friends and people I already know. Sometimes I want to talk to my friends about issues and problems I've been having but I feel if I were to go out of my way and do that, I'd be burdening them with my own issues, or if this issue is about someone we both know, I'd be forcing them to choose sides, or it's something I fear it's something we wouldn't even agree with in the first place. And because I'm afraid of somehow hurting my friends feelings I just won't say anything, or if I do, I won't say enough and act as it's not as bad as it feels and when I do that my stress just keeps building up to the point it almost physically hurts. And I want to just talk about how I'm feeling sometimes and I dont know how to ask if that's ok. I'd love to be prompted to talk about things, but it feels rude to even consider that, especially since I feel it'd be putting unneeded stress on someones else. Besides, folks aren't mind readers and I don't do well with silent cries for help. Sometimes I also just fear if I voice my issues I'll just sound like I'm being unreasonable and mean. 

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So the other week I (finally) got the diagnosis of autism. I'm still in the NOTHING HAS CHANGED ACT NORMAL *immediately starts doing things as un-normally as possible* stage. (Stop being aware of your tongue! Breathe normally! Walk like a normal person!)

 

as an aside, college (A-levels, what you americans probably call high school) is over now and I have to figure out a schedule and keeping on top of my life as an adult now. SCHOOL IS OVER. NOT OKAY.

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So, uh, our car just broke down. AGAIN. This time on the *road*. Thank goodness it was a side street and we were able to pull over before it died completely, and called a friend who lives at our apartment complex to come get us, but we now have a stranded car stuck on the road out there, and no way to pick up my medication refill (although I have called my peer support about that...). I'm just really freaking pissed right now, as well as mildly anxious. I have told mom *so many* freaking times that we need to sell that car and get a *reliable* car, every single time something like this happens with it, but she always says we can't try to sell it until it gets fixed, and then once the current problem gets fixed she says it's fine... Until this happens again. Over and over and over. And yet she gets mad at me when I say it's an unreliable car and insist on paying for transportation to work. Just very very frustrated right now. Kind of wish it was *my* car so I could just go ahead and sell it myself.

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Im having a super difficult time with this whole leaving my husband and kids... thing.  I've got a really good job lined up, and a place to go, but basically no support outside of one person. Almost everyone else is telling me that im selfish and am abandoning my kids by not taking them with me when I go. 

Yesterday, everything I own was loaded into my car. I was told it was "in the way" and wasnt given a choice on the matter. I wasn't moving out for two weeks... but all of a sudden everything I own is at a different house, cant be unpacked because there isnt any furniture, and I wont have money to remedy that for a couple weeks. As I wasn't planning to be moved for another two weeks, I have this whole awkward situation where I have to go to the new place, to pack... to come home. Or... Do i just finish moving my computer and stuff now.. and call the moving process done? I dont know. I wasnt ready yet. The kids only just found out a little over a day ago, and I told them two weeks.. but my stuff is gone. 

*stresses*

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Posted (edited)

Sorry for vent, whining again + Bad English and messy

 

Spoiler

I'm sorry for mention ĂR- Р -G again. But...

(They would't find this unless I send this link to them. And for avoid to be caught by google search, I added - and foreign language alphabets.)

 

It was my fault I overlooked adding referenced resource. Especically when I heavily referenced.

But I don't see why this makes me keep discouraged more then 1 week.

 

And I've keep feel this since long time ago..

I feel like I'm unwelcoming by all of the members. But I still like this species.

TBH, I didn't interact them so much.. And my mistake was just I overlooked adding resource links and I apologized it.

But I dunno why I keep feel such negative.

 

If I play other ĂR- Р -G, Would I feel same emotion?

 

-------

 

I have trouble with chat with others in Discord.

That's not only English isn't my native language. But also my poor personality with lack of social skills...

Why I'm born with such poor personality..??

 

-------

 

I feel suicidal thinks a lot when I'm frustrated with myself.

Luckly, I haven't attempted to commit suicide, harm myself physically.

But... I do harm myself mentally everyday. I want to stop it but I can't!

 

-----

 

I'm being triggerd negative emotions a lot when I see something related to domestic violence. Even I'm not victim of domestic violence.

....TBH, Domestic violence is most "Trigger" thing for me..

 

(I hate myself being immature and sensitive.)

 

Edited by Kyath The Dream Worker

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On 6/30/2018 at 7:51 AM, MiserablePileOfSecrets said:

I hate getting stressed about talking to others, sometimes it's just minor things, like making a phone call or like, asking a store worker for help, but it's even worse when I'm stressed about talking to my friends and people I already know. Sometimes I want to talk to my friends about issues and problems I've been having but I feel if I were to go out of my way and do that, I'd be burdening them with my own issues, or if this issue is about someone we both know, I'd be forcing them to choose sides, or it's something I fear it's something we wouldn't even agree with in the first place. And because I'm afraid of somehow hurting my friends feelings I just won't say anything, or if I do, I won't say enough and act as it's not as bad as it feels and when I do that my stress just keeps building up to the point it almost physically hurts. And I want to just talk about how I'm feeling sometimes and I dont know how to ask if that's ok. I'd love to be prompted to talk about things, but it feels rude to even consider that, especially since I feel it'd be putting unneeded stress on someones else. Besides, folks aren't mind readers and I don't do well with silent cries for help. Sometimes I also just fear if I voice my issues I'll just sound like I'm being unreasonable and mean. 

 

*Hugs you* I know that feeling.. It's uncomfortable.. And interacting each other isn't easy..

I don't know good solution. But.. good luck..

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Just got back from an emergency trip to the vet. A $273 emergency trip to the vet, because of the after-hour fee. I'm still a little freaked, but definitely calmer then an hour ago. My dog apparently tore apart a trash bag (one of those big black ones) and may have possibly swallowed a piece of it... Got the bag away from him but about 10 minutes later he started coughing/hacking, and then threw up. Thought he would be fine after he threw up, but he kept hacking and gagging, and moving his mouth like he was constantly trying to swallow. Tried to calm him down and see if he'd stop on his own, but 20-30 minutes later he was still doing it. The last time I had a pet emergency in the middle of the night the vet told me to wait until morning, and my dog ended up dying. I was NOT going to let that happen this time, so we drove him to the vet (in the dark, which mom has a very hard time seeing in....). Result: Nothing was stuck in his throat, probably just irritated from throwing up or possibly swallowing a tiny bit of bag, vet gave him a shot to calm his stomach and drops to help soothe his throat, said to call in morning but he'll probably be fine. He seems completely fine now (though annoyed that we locked him out of mom's room where all the bags are). I'm.... still mildly freaking. I love him so freaking much and despite my mental health being relatively stable for the past year I honestly don't know if I could handle another pet dying on me in an unexpected/traumatic way. 

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I had a phobia attack today. Its embarassing, its stupid, but that's a phobia. The phobia n question was walking on me. its one thing for it to be in the garden. But another for it to be on me or within my residence. Outside I don't like them near me.  I won't kill l them because, like any creature, they have a right to exist.  I've been jumpy all night, I had to go as far as shower and scrub my arm. I am jumpy at any strange touch or anything remotely an inch long and unidentified.

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I've had an extremely rough past couple of weeks. One of them deals with something I talked about in a previous post.

 

First my dad had to get emergency surgery on his bowels. He got airlifted out back in May only for them to tell him nothing was wrong. They gave him some painkillers/antibiotics and sent him home, which cost him and mom over 1500 dollars for a one way flight back. They were supposed to do second CT scan before they sent him home, but they didn't do one because dad was 'doing great'.

 

~

On June 29th my dad and mom went to a friends camper for a barbecue. He only ate half of his steak when he said he wasn't feeling well and he wanted to go to the hospital. Turns out his diverticulitis got worse, so they admitted him to the hospital. Five days later he gets flown out once again to get emergency surgery done to remove the part of his bowels/intestines that were causing issues. They had to do a colonstomy, so now he has a bag on his side for anywhere between 3 and 6 months.    

 

A couple days after the surgery, the hot water tank decided to completely break down. It was dripping water for a few days but I thought nothing of it. I was washing dishes when I heard a weird groaning sound from downstairs. When I checked it, the floor was soaked with water. My uncle and a family friend came up to fix it because I was in panic mode, I totally didn't know what to do! It seems the hot water tank was gone for a while, but of course it had to break entirely when dad was out of town. The hot water tank got replaced with a brand new tank, so now that issue is taken care of.

 

After all of this I'm glad I only have one more work shift and then I'm off for the next 10 days. Maybe I can finally catch up on all of the sleep I've missed since all this started happening.

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