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davinhadaway2

War of the Unicorns

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Tensions were already high, with lack of food, and a boiling argument between the two pairs of leaders about the control of the herd.

Because you already described the leaders as "two pairs" it sounds a bit redundant. I suggest "the leaders", since "two pairs" really isn't necessary.

 

The Ghost went around whispering things in the unicorns' ears, making them think their fellow herd members were the ones insulting them.

How did he do it all in one night?

 

Finally, when the Ghost reached the leaders, he uttered things so deadly that it was decided then and there that the unicorns would split up.

Right then in the middle of the night...?

 

He's back at his old devices, using his mind powers to bring unicorns to his side. It's up to the ones who are able to resist to stop him.

"mind powers" sounds a bit odd. Maybe change to "manipulation"?

"to the ones who are able to" also sounds a bit weird, because of the two "to"'s. Maybe change the entire part to "can"?

 

-You can create as many characters as you want as long as you can handle them.

Comma after "want".

 

-First come, first serve on ranks. Don't pout if you don't get here fast enough.
I suggest editing this to fit your recent decisions.

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As far as I can tell, that's it! This roleplay is on the brink of approval.

Edited by KoalaNoob

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I used to pairs to avoid the confusion of the fact that there were four leaders at the beginning, not two.

 

The Ghost is a ghost. He also has powers not yet explained to pop up later in the plot. This was brought up earlier in the comments, I believe.

 

Yes, in the middle of the night.

 

The others fixing now.

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But it sounds redundant as well. Though this is ultimately your choice, I believe that most have figured out that there two to each side. Of course, this is your choice. Clarity is as important as fluency. Maybe find a way to restate it so it's clear and sounds good?

 

Alright, but you should know what the powers are.

 

I guess they woke up right away then. It's actually kinda funny imagining the leaders popping up in the middle of the night going "WE'RE SEPERATING!" xd.png No? Well, it isn't that funny...

 

Other than this though (which is really nothing, they were just responses) your RP is ready to be approved!

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I'm keeping it as is to avoid confusion.

 

I know what the powers are, as will the person who plays the Ghost. There is also some information about the Ghost on his sign up. As stated before, this was kept vague for a specific reason.

 

They we already awake, as were most of the herd. Equine animals, by nature, don't sleep much.

 

And yay! Finally it'll be opened soon!

Edited by davinhadaway2

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I've found some inconsistencies in the character sheets.

 

The ghost is less than a fifth of how old leaders are.

The ghost's title is "Lead Stallion" when that class does not exist.

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There are other problems revolving around grammar and inconsistency. Do you mind if I tell Loth?

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Alright, approved.

If you want the critique posts cleared, PM an RP or Global Mod.

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Banshee wondered around the meadows checking the surroundings wanting to make sure that she didn't miss a single detail. She must be precise about everything. She is deteined to have her herd, the Daydreams, win.

 

Ghost looked down from his spot in the heavens. He snorted and looked around between the herds. The very reason they separated definately bothered him. The herds must reunite. They must...

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((OOC: Loth, the Ghost seperated the herds on purpose. The heavens thing is good though, as he's not on earth yet. PM me so we can talk about the plot thing, because the Ghost is a big part of it.))

 

Stygian walked slowly, the morning air turning his breaths to small clouds. He reached the top of a hill and stopped. His herd was just below, their black coats covering the landscape like shadows. He looked towards the horizon. He could just see a white ball, or what looked like such, there. He snorted. Daydream....

 

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It wasn't like Nocturna wasn't a good pick for lead mare. She had all the right skills. There were almost no competitors. But she still had to make an effort- it was her way. To always work towards something. Sparks of electricity crackled off of her flowing, pitch-black mane, giving her a terrifying appearance. What little wildlife around her had scurried back to their homes, leaving the powerful mare alone. Except for the other storm-energy user before her.

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The crackle of electricity disturbed the crunching of the grass underfoot and the munching of the cud in her own jaws - Neoma paused to bolt her head up in alarm, and just like the other creatures that shied from the impressive lead mare, Neoma also backed away to be closer to the herd. Although Nocturna did not mean any harm to those belonging to Stygian, Neoma felt jittery before either of her leaders, as though they might sense her treacherous anti-war sympathies and smite her down. She felt more at ease as her dark coat blended in with the ones behind her like a shadow, and closed her eyes to cover the striking ice blue and complete the effect, leaning down to graze. A seamless part of the herd.

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Laying despondently in the soft weed flowers, a white furred unicorn carefully watched a bee buzz about, backing his head away as it fluttered against his long lashes. Tiring of the bug, Sleepy closed his eyes, thinking on pulling down a piece of cloud from the high heavens. The fat insect ambled about, nearing his tail, and not heeding the warning and shooing flicks of the apendage. Finally the clump of dusty moisture lowered near, and he doused the area about his with it, frightening the bug and dampening his own self. The bee decided to go seek drier ground, unsuspecting of Sleepy's manipulations, and Sleepy lay down his head for a rest, trying to imagine an occupation that would entertain him.

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((Excellent banner on your signature, Emeelia!!))

 

Stygian ~ Nightmare

 

Daydream stayed unmoving, as far as he could see. Which was good. No movement meant no battles today. No fighting. No injured to tend to. A sound came to his ears, and Stygian lifted his head, turning away from the horizon, and Daydream. The sound was of hooves on the wet morning grass, and snaps and pops, maybe of lightning, or a fire on wet wood. He looked behind him to find Nocturna, electricity crackling off of her, and dipped his head in greeting. "Good morning," he said. "Nocturna. I trust you slept well?"

Edited by davinhadaway2

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"Yes, yes, of course," Nocturna replied absently. It was clear that her own sleep and welfare was the last thing on the dark mare's mind, and she didn't waste a second before addressing her concerns. "We need to raid Daydream. Their lands have more food than ours. We have little to none."

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((Thank you, Davin. https://i.imgur.com/XA1R5vv.jpg Anybody can use it if they like. The images were stock.))

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The mention of 'daydream' brought a shiver down Neoma's spine, and attention caught, her ears swiveled towards the two leaders, unsuccessfully attempting to glean more from the private conversation. She frowned as she chewed the short, stiff grass into a pasty edible lump. She hated battle, with all of the stress that it brought. Her talent was moving where shadows naturally lay, but as there was a unicorn on the other side that also could cloak, except with clouds, any advantages of their talents were made null. She normally ended up trying her best to stay away from the heat of battle, unwilling to become gored by a horn, and fending off any that happened upon her. Neoma hated battle. Hated war. Hated the casualties on both sides...

She wished her talent was in healing, or bringing back the dead, or something more useful than moving shadows around.

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user posted image

His efforts ended up being for nought, as his imaginations ended up being failures in his mind. Pretending to ride upon the clouds was unsatisfactory, him constantly remembering the true nature of the things which were his expertise, and instead he started imagining himself slipping through them and falling to his death. The figment of him heard the whistling of the air becoming gradually lower pitched, and a few birds squawked, losing feathers as they flapped out of the way. Eventually, the impact with the ground occured in slow motion, with first the legs breaking instantly. After that came the main body, crushing itself. Then his head snapped downward, breaking the neck and cutting off connection with the brain to the body. Little more description could be allowed without becoming distastefully gory.

Sleepy stared very hard at the bee, scolding himself. It was wrong that he would bother entertaining himself with macabre imaginations, especially during a war. Wishing to die and actually wanting to die were very different, but he supposed that there was a slight chance of them being connected, and on that off chance he condemned himself to coming up with cheerier fascinations.

"And then there was a unicorn that could bring back the dead, so I came back to life to do something else," was how he vocally concluded that tale.

Edited by Emeelia

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Stygian

 

His head lifted slightly in shock. "Raid?" he said. His ears flicked back, then forward again. He himself hated Daydream, but the grasses here seemed fine to him. Their only problem was water, and that was during the winter. When the rivers froze, and the only fresh water source was the lake deep in Daydream's land. "We seem to have enough food for now, Nocturna," he said. "When it gets closer to autumn is when we will have a problem. Why the sudden advancement on the Daydreamers?" he asked, his voice curious. "The peace is holding for the moment. I'd rather not interrupt it unless it was direly important."

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Daydream

Bridget woke from her nap. Her stomach ached. Sighing, she heaved herself up and trudged over to the patch of clovers that she liked to munch on. there weren't many left, she had been eating more in these stressful times. Deciding to save the leftovers for another time, Bridget scooted over to choke down some crunchy grass. It was better than nothing. She soon lost track of what she was eating as her thoughts wandered. How could anyone have said those things about her? She was just a simple healer, she never did anything to annoy anyone. She helped people all the time, if anything, they should be grateful. And she certainly wasn't fat! At least she didn't think so... . Remembering this, she lifted her head up from the grass. Fat horses don't deserve to eat. It was better to save the grass for the other horses. The skinny horses.

 

Snorting, Bridget tried to distract herself. She decided to do a quick sweep of the herd, checking over the injured and catching up with friends, not that there was much to talk about.

Edited by turtlerockstar1

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((OOC:: NOTICE:: Please put in your post whether your character is currently in DayDream or NightMare to avoid confusion.))

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Lydia, DayDream

 

Lydia aimlessly looked around. There was no use in trying to deny it. She was useless. Her foal took p all her time. She didn't care though, she would never go back. How could I help anyway? Even if I didn't have a foal I'm useless. Physically weak. Not able to run. Huhhhh, well at least I won't get in their way. She ate some grass and looked at the sky. It was a beautiful day... Well any day was beautiful to her.

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