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davinhadaway2

War of the Unicorns

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Introduction/Plot

 

Unicorns used to live in harmony....

 

None of them realized what was happening, at least, not until it was too late.

 

Before the unicorns separated, they were one big herd. There were four leaders, two stallions and two mares. The herd was led in conjunction by the pairs of leaders, two of which were black in color, the others white. The herd continued to grow, and everyone enjoyed life in the only existing herd of unicorns.

 

It was the dead of winter when the unicorns split into two groups. Tensions were already high, with lack of food, and a boiling argument between the two pairs of leaders about the control of the herd. In the middle of the night, the herd was visited by the Ghost, a deadly unicorn spirit many believed didn't exist. The Ghost went around whispering things in the unicorns' ears, making them think their fellow herd members were the ones insulting them. Finally, when the Ghost reached the leaders, he uttered things so deadly that it was decided then and there that the unicorns would split up. The herd's land was divided, light unicorns to one side, and the dark to the other.

 

Now the two herds are constantly at war with each other. They use their abilities on each other, abilities that can be as terrible as death itself, or as tame as purifying water.

 

But worst of all, the Ghost is back and he is determined to keep the unicorns apart. He's back at his old devices, using his mind powers to bring unicorns to his side. It's up to the ones who can resist to stop him.

 

What the unicorns don't know is that they have a chance to defeat the Ghost- but only if they work together.

 

Will the unicorns finally help each other defeat the Ghost or will they forever be at war?

 

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Rules

 

-Please be active. If you make a character, then don't post for five days in a row, your character will be deleted without warning. If you PM me with a reason for why you will be gone, I will not do this. I will save the deleted characters for 10 days after deletion, which is your time to tell me why you disappeared, and to get your character back.

-You can create as many characters as you want, as long as you can handle them.

-No killing another players character without permission.

-No cussing.

-Twin foals are rare, not a regular occurrence. PM me if you want to make them, don't simply make them.

-Your unicorn must be white or black, depending on what herd you're in, Nightmare or Daydream. Daydream is home to the light unicorns, and Nightmare to the dark ones. If you play the Ghost, you are silver. You may have certain attributes to each character, such as eye color, flowers in their mane and/or tail, horn color, so on. Please note that when I say 'light' and 'dark' I am referring to coat color, not to whether they are evil or good.

-You may have only one character, but if you make a second one, you must make it a different gender than the first. This is to avoid the whole flood of female characters that usually occurs. This rule can be ignored if you plan to make multiple males.

-No one is perfect. If somebody makes a mistake, simply tell them, don't blow up about it.

-All the unicorns are used to fight, except for foals and their mothers. The foals will be protected by their mothers, and moved as far from the fight as possible, which is why the mothers are omitted.

-You can have up to 2 special abilities (e.g.: freezing water w/ horn). If you have one, it can be bigger, but if you have two, it must be two smaller powers.

-First come, first serve on ranks. The Lead Mares' vote will be given 3 choices, per herd. Don't pout if you don't get here fast enough.

-Please, don't make a bunch of foals that have their mother dead. If you want a mother, ask for one, and it'll be worked out. But if there are six foals with dead mothers, we have a problem.

-If you have read all the rules put 'Unicorn' in other section, so I know you payed attention.

-All posts IC MUST be at least 3 sentences in length. Longer, if possible. 3 sentences is the absolute minimum.

 

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Ranks

 

-Ghost Unicorn: (1) (Wanders from herd to herd, reminding the leaders of how terrible the other herd is, gathering followers. Basically just causes trouble. Small description, the Ghost is a unicorn spirit that is able to take on the attributes and abilities of other unicorns, and also has the power to make any doubts or dislikes in their minds to grow to the point where a small irritation is a insult as large as kicking one in the face seemingly for no reason.)

-Ghost Unicorn Followers: (Unlimited) (Followers of the Ghost. There need to be more herd members than these, so PM me about this also.)

-Lead Stallion of the Daydream Herd: (1) (Leader of the herd. His word is law.)

-Lead Mare of Daydream Herd: (1) (Chosen during roleplay in a vote when there are three candidates, mate of the leader, not as much power as the lead stallion, but more authority than a regular herd member.)

-Lead Stallion of Nightmare Herd: (1) (Leader of herd. His word is law)

-Lead Mare of Nightmare Herd: (1) (Chosen during roleplay in a vote when there are three candidates, mate of the leader, not as much power as the lead stallion, but more authority than a regular herd member.)

-Healer of Daydream Herd: (1) (Heals any injuries. This will not be a unicorn that uses herbs, like those cat books, but they will have a power that pertains to healing in some way, shape, or form.)

-Healer of Nightmare Herd: (1) (Same as above.)

-Regular Unicorns for each herd: (Unlimited)

-Unicorn Foals for each herd: (Unlimited. PM me for permission to roleplay a foal not born to a mother during roleplay. You'll need a good description for why they don't have a mother, who has taken them in, and so on.)

 

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Sign up

 

[b]Name:[/b]
[b]Nickname:[/b]
[b]Age:[/b]
[b]Gender:[/b]
[b]Rank:[/b]
[b]Herd: (Daydream, Nightmare, or the Ghost's?) [/b]
[b]Personality: [/b]
[b]Special Ability: [/b]
[b]Strength(s): [/b]
[b]Weakness(es): [/b]
[b]Crush/Mate: [/b]
[b]Foal(s): [/b]
[b]Other: [/b]
[b]Picture/Description:[/b]

Edited by davinhadaway2

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davinhadaway2's Characters

Name: Stygian Moon

Nickname: Stygian

Age: 905

Gender: Stallion

Rank: Lead Stallion

Herd: Nightmare Herd

Personality: Stygian is a sharp, hard stallion. He doesn't take no for an answer, and is very strict about his rules. If you go against him, or break these rules, there will be consequences. He's good with foals, as he never wants to scare them, and kind to mares. Stallions he is more strict on, as he, like any other stallion, is protective over the herd.

Special Ability: Can cause storms to appear. These storms range from light rain or simple clouds, to extremely violent typhoon type storms. He made his way to Lead Stallion with this power.

Strength(s): He is best in bad weather, as he is used to working with it. He is strong, and average in speed. Best at fighting.

Weakness(es): Extremely claustrophobic, panics in small spaces. He also never strays too far from his herd.

Crush/Mate: Lead Mare of Nightmare Herd

Foal(s): None

Other: None

Picture/Description:

user posted image

 

Name: Ethereal Mist

Nickname: Ether

Age: 453

Gender: Stallion

Rank: Regular

Herd: Daydream

Personality:

Special Ability: Creating mists, which is how he got his name. He is often used for stealth in battles and for spying due to this ability. He also has a ability to sense others feelings around him.

Strength(s): Charismatic, intelligent.

Weakness(es): No good at fighting, and is a bit clumsy.

Crush/Mate: None

Foal(s): None

Other: Think of him as that nerdy guy around school who is really funny.

Picture/Description: Similar looking to Ghost, though he is pure white all over rather than grey. His horn is ivory and his eyes are the regular horse brown.

user posted image

 

Emeelia's Characters

Name: Sleepy

Nickname: -

Age: 199

Gender: male

Rank: regular

Herd: Daydream

Personality: Sleepy is apathetic. He struggles to find enjoyment in anything, and is easily manipulated. He is gullible and extremely honest; he holds no lying bone.

Special Ability: Manipulation of clouds; he can gather enough to hide the herd for three hours with high concentration and effort, or as little as a beach ball with the effort and concentration of grabbing an actual beachball. What he is capable of moving is highly dependent on his capabilities of actually moving the amount of mass.

Strength(s): Personal attacks do not affect Sleepy’s resolve, as he makes his choices rather unaffected by emotion in the first place.

Weakness(es): Lazy and slow to lift a hoof, Sleepy is hindered by his own lack of caring on top of his already delicate physique. He finds it difficult to form an attachment to anyone or anything.

Crush/Mate: -

Foal(s): -

Other: Unicorn

Picture/Description: [Sleepy

White fur, curling white mane and tail, tufts on delicate gray cloven hooves, and purple thick-lashed eyes.

 

Name: Neoma

Nickname: -

Age: 300

Gender: female

Rank: regular

Herd: Nightmare

Personality: Neoma is scared of everything and is an active pacifist, and using both of these things she tries her best to not be sent to battle due to her fear… although she hardly has to act with her very real fright of harm done to anyone.

Special Ability: Manipulation of shadows; the shadows do not change their properties as being a shadow, but they do move.

Strength(s): She is as strong as a stallion, and her strong legs carry her fast and far.

Weakness(es): She is paranoid and timid, quicker to hide or run than she is to battle. She will do anything to bring peace, although she is crippled by her fear of harm and death.

Crush/Mate: -

Foal(s): -

Other: Unicorn

Picture/Description: user posted image

Smooth black fur, straight ragged mane and tail, short tufts up cloven hooves. Light blue eyes. Spiral horn.

 

 

kingcobra2018's Characters

Name: Lydia

Nickname: N/A

Age: 672

Gender: Mare

Rank: Regular unicorn

Herd: Daydream

Personality: Lydia's determined and very exited all the time over small things. She is over protective and hates it when people judge others. She will die trying to help but she will also die trying to stop you. She won't judge doing that but she won't let you risk your life. She hates almost all stallions except those special few. She's very stubborn and doesn't change her mind unless she realizes it's wrong. She believes in going through with things and finishing what you started. Lydia also has great wits and ends up knowing what's right and wrong.

Special Ability: She has the power to walk in others dreams... Not so powerful if it's about cotton candy... But the downside is if she's spotted by the dreamer it turns into a nightmare and she can be touched by the horrors so she has to exit as fast as she can.

Weakness: She's physically weak and isn't that fast of a runner.

Strengths: Lydia is very good at coming up with a plan on the go.

Crush/Mate: Deceased.

Foal: To Be Named

Other: N/A

Picture/Description: user posted image

 

turtlerockstar1's Characters

Name: Bridget

Nickname: --

Age: 153

Gender: female

Rank: healer

Herd: daydream

Personality: compassionate and thoughtful. tries to think on the bright side of things. bets very hyper and energetic whenever she is being put to work, so she gets a lot done. can eat a LOT if you let her, but usually she is too busy to eat more than a healthy amount.

Special Ability: healing

Strength(s): strong endurance, can go hard to work for a long time.

Weakness(es): not very good in combat, can't swim

Crush/Mate:

Foal(s): none

Other: unicorn

Picture/Description: Bridget ((Changed to a link due to the fact it's GIGANTIC))

 

Name: Sebastian

Nickname: Sean

Age: 2 months & 3 weeks

Gender: Male

Rank: foal

Herd: Daydream

Personality: Very small and weak. Playful but not enough energy really to play. Likes to imagine instead. Supposedly going to grow up to be big and strong due to hatsuberkilonia

Special Ability: Can give people desired feelings. If he wanted someone to feel happy, he could make them happy. If he wanted them to feel guilty or just to understand his point of view fully, he could make them.

Strength(s): compassion, empathy, loves and respects his mother. Strong-willed

Weakness(es): weak muscles, not much energy, depends on mother for support and protection.

Crush/Mate: none

Mother: Lydia

Other: father gone

Picture/Description: user posted image

 

Tiga's Characters

Name: Musaeth

Nickname: Musa

Age: 836

Gender: Mare

Rank: Regular, wishes to be Lead Mare.

Herd: (Daydream, Nightmare, or the Ghost's?) Nightmare

Personality: Musa's trust is one of the most sacred things in the herd. Your first impression counts when you meet her, because she will keep the same idea about you for the whole time you are near her. She is gentle with foals, but as soon as they reach of age, she is her normal strict and harsh self.

Special Ability: Musa's power is sound-waves. She can manipulate them into something powerful that can knock others back. Sometimes if she is angered so much she can make the waves so powerful that weaker creatures would faint. Musa can also use them as a form of transportation, leaping from one wave to the other, however every 'step' drains her powers greatly.

Strength(s): She has the muscle for physical attacks and the stamina for long runs.

Weakness(es): Due to her power, she will often let out small soundwaves, but they are enough for others to locate her. Also that she is streaked with gold, she isn't sneaky during the night or day.

Crush/Mate: Stygian

Foal(s): none

Other: none

Picture/Description: [[Click for picture]]

 

Name: Bryace

Nickname: Ace

Age: 682

Gender: Stallion/Male

Rank: Healer

Herd: (Daydream, Nightmare, or the Ghost's?) Nightmare

Personality: Still a young unicorn compared to others, Ace is fiery and still kicking. He is one of the kinder unicorns of the Nightmare herd and is often looks down from his herd mates. However he keeps reminding them of his status, and how they would die without him. Although ace is usually nice, when he is very busy and you bother him for no use, he will lash out.

Special Ability: Healing and he can teleport three feet at a time. However if he does that, his healing power would be very weak, so he uses the teleports rarely.

Strength(s): His mind is always in the right place and is very mentally strong.

Weakness(es): He isn't physically strong.

Crush/Mate: --

Foal(s): --

Other: --

Picture/Description: user posted image

 

Zeditha's Characters

Name: Zeditha

Nickname: Zeditha (Don't give her a nickname, she'll get mad)

Age: around 100 years

Gender: Female

Rank: Regular herd member

Herd: Nightmare

Personality: She likes things to be right. If something's unusual, or wrong, it has to be fixed. She also, partly because of this, likes to check every corner. Things being right includes her name: if anyone tries to give her a nickname she'll lash out harshly, no matter if you're friend or foe.

Special Ability: One, when she touches a flower with her horn, it becomes as beautiful as that particular blossom had the potential to be, and will never decay. She used this power on the daffodil she wears. Two, she can call insects to her, to do her bidding. She does this every spring, using the bees and butterflies to pollinate the many flowers, but sometimes tells them to protect her or to attack. (bee stings xd.png) When she uses her powers, her horn lights up slightly. It glows yellow when she restores a flower, and each segment of her horn glows its own colour when she calls insects.

Strength(s): Fast and agile, also silent when she wants to be

Weakness(es): She's not the strongest of mares, and if something's wrong and she has no freedom to put it right she goes into s kind of crazed frenzy. Could be viewed as a strength in a way, but easily exploited.

Crush/Mate: (open)

Foal(s): None

Other: Unicorn biggrin.gif

Picture/Description: Her horn is a spiral with three twisting stripes: one is a dark purple, one dark blue, and one a deep maroon. She also has these colours dusted lightly throughout her pelt, invisible from a distance but lending a beauty to her coat from close up. She obsessively keeps a yellow daffodil in her mane, tucked behind her left ear. She sometimes calls a butterfly to sit on it, usually the prettiest she can find.

 

groundporkchops' Characters

Name: Alani

Nickname:Lani

Age: 403

Gender: Female

Rank: Hoping for nightmare lead mare

Herd:  nightmare

Personality: Alani is a strong willed and fiery mare, with a long but explosive temper fuse. Though she may seem intimidating, she is friendly and has a soft spot for foals. She is strict on the duties of the herd, with unicorns required to do their duties and responsibilities within the herd. She is also very strict on mares that abandon or partially neglect their foals.

Special Ability: Her special ability is linked to the wind, able to create soft breezes or dangerous tempests that can ravage the land.

Strength(s): Due to her affinity with the wind, it helps her when she is running and she can run faster than many of the unicorns in the herd, though some are faster. She is ferocious in battle.

Weakness(es): However, she has a severe hatred and slight fear of blood, not of her own or her enemies but only of her herd's blood.

Crush/Mate: No crush.

Foal(s): None but is always willing to adopt a foal.

Other: She has pale blue, almost white eyes giving her an appearance of almost blindness.

Picture/Description: Alani

 

CaptainInsaneway's Characters

 

Name: Aster Protoflorian

Nickname: Florian

Age: 1077

Gender: Stallion

Rank: Lead stallion

Herd:Daydream

 

Personality:

Thoughtful

When you live a life as long as mine, you find a lot of time for thought and a lot to think about. To the ephemeral who effloresce and die in moments to my old eyes, I can imagine the prospect of centuries of existence might present the idea that boredom is a common feature. I can understand that view, but truly, our lifetime affords us a wonderful opportunity for pursuit of enlightenment. You will never lack things to learn, nor will you ever lack the time for thought. It's impossible to become tired of something so fluid as life. In the same way the humans watch the sun rise and fall, we watch empires rise and fall. Where humans see themselves age in flashes, from mewling newborns to bowbacked old women, we instead see entire societies and civilisations age and renew in a similar fashion. We watch worlds grow and die. We are the trees who sigh over evanescent flowers.

And thus, I am eternally engaged in thought over something. Not necessarily to an extent that causes preoccupation, harmful or otherwise, but there is scarce a moment where I do not have something on my mind. I am a humble beast; the pursuit of knowledge and the desire to better myself is ever present. And those who have fallen in the name of a justice I dealt, they are rarely far from my thoughts. No life is lived in vain. I do not forget, and that, my friend keeps me busy.

 

Deceptive

Deception is not a habit of mine, and so you would be forgiven for asking why I think myself deceptive. One must consider that deception does not exclusively refer to guile. I am deceptive because I am not carved from stone as one might be led to believe. The life of a leader is strict and lends one a great deal of sobriety, but that does not mean I cannot be lighthearted, warm, friendly. Flickers of amity are often unexpected by the other party, but I must assure you that they are neither rare nor false. I possess a beating heart. My skin is warm. I have the ability to love. Indeed, I've borne my own children. I display compassion. I am entirely just; that does not mean I am cold and unfeeling.

Look into my eyes. I am not soulless.

 

Steadfast

The inexorable nature of my belief in justice has lent me a certain adamance; I am unwavering in my abidance to the good laws of nature. There is no room for question when one becomes a leader. Either I am just, or I am unjust. There is no middle way, no reprieve of flexibility. The way is as it must be, and there is but one rule; to follow the path of goodness completely. I do not bend. Rigidity, clean lines, it's all somewhat baffling to a word unused to such specific and unalterable truth, but I find comfort in the knowledge that there is one path. In short, I am not at all prone to feeble, cautious dalliances here and there. I do not yield.

 

Distant

A level of distance is often necessary if one wishes to live justly. I do not want to emotionally engage somebody I may be compelled to slay later. It would be a horrible folly to befriend somebody only to take the air from their lungs upon a transgression. In these times of division and subterfuge, I cannot invest good faith in one who may later become my enemy.

I am not easy to read; I am distant both by nature and necessity. Who I am cannot be determined in a glance or a lifetime of careful observation. Closeness is a privilege that is in my hands to bestow upon an esteemed few.

 

 

Special Ability:

Aster Protoflorian's horn is incredibly sharp. Unlike the horns of most unicorns, it is edged like a blade; it tapers to an imperceptible edge, so fine that it can cut between the fabric of worlds, invisble to the eye but one is somehow strangely aware of it. The edge is unparalleled and brutally sharp. Florian has to be incredibly careful to ensure he does not accidentally cut those close to him. Where other unicorns occasionally use their horns to scratch with or play spar with others of their kind, Florian is unable to for fear of mortally wounding himself or those close to him. As a youngster, he often tested the sharpness on all new materials he found. He has yet to find something his horn cannot cut through.

 

He can cut windows between the worlds and walk between dimensions and planes of existence. However, this requires considerable mental and physical exertion, to the point where he rarely makes use of this ability; after a foray into another world, he has been known to fall into a deep sleep for days. He also must return from other worlds within a particular time period, otherwise he will die. Every window Florian opens must be closed to prevent the collapse of the fabric between the worlds. As he feels for the gaps in the atoms that are knitted into the fabric of the universe, he must be very careful; a slip or distraction could shatter his horn irreperably. Florian does not know for certain what would happen if this were to occur, but something within him tells him he would most likely die.

 

 

Strength(s):

Florian is not a particularly good fighter, but his horn is so incredibly sharp that he doesn't need to be; he can gut an opponent as easily as slicing through butter. He is very, very agile and fast. However, he has a strong sense of justice, honour and believes in laws of nature and thus does not often fight with his horn.

 

Weakness(es):

Florian is not very strong physically and without the deadly edge of his horn and perhaps his speed, he would be no match for any stallion looking to take his place. He depends upon his power almost entirely for protection. Due to his unwillingness to fight with his horn, he is easily beaten.

 

He is also emotionally fractured and cold; he often seems to lack compassion and empathy, and tends to isolate himself. When confronted with a problem, Florian has a bad habit of fleeing through one of his windows and waiting for it to “go away”. He also lives in eternal fear of shattering his horn and losing his power.

 

His obsession within living justly and doing what is right has made led to him making many unpopular decision, including performing executions where he felt the transgression required it, and distancing him from those around him.

 

Crush/Mate: N/A [Deceased]

Foal(s): N/A

Other:

Florian lived out his youth wildly and used his power recklessly. This behaviour led to the death of his mate, and led to him vowing to live a life of justice and goodness.

 

Description:

Florian is tall, but unsually slender for a stallion. He is not particularly muscular and his willowy build makes him rather unimposing even in spite of his height. Florian is perlino, meaning his coat is a very pale cream colour with a golden mane and tail. His pale coat is softly dappled with champagne and shades of gold around his withers and hind quarters. Florian also has a Gulastra plume; his tail is pure white, though his mane is a gentle golden colour. He has pink skin and freckles around his eyes and muzzle. His horn is unusually long at about two feet in length, and is spiralling and incredibly sharp. It has a wicked tip and is a dull shade of bronze. His eyes are blue-green and hedged with white lashes.

 

 

This horse is a perfect example of his build and colour, though Florian is taller and his markings are different.

Florian

 

georgexu94's Characters

Name: Yasmin Lightstream

Nickname: Yasmin

Age: 200

Gender: Female

Rank: Regular unicorn

Herd: (Daydream, Nightmare, or the Ghost's?) Daydream

Personality: sweet to everyone; likes to play tag

Special Ability: She is able to glide through water (like running on the surface of liquid water)

Strength(s): She is gentle and mostly everyone trusts her, she has a soothing aura.

Weakness(es): She doesn't like going in caves or underground

Crush/Mate: None as of the moment

Foal(s): None

Other: -

Picture/Description: Yasmin has a white coat that glimmers silver under the moonlight. She has long hair with the slight hint of light blue.

Edited by davinhadaway2

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NEWS

 

Ranks Taken:

Ghost

Nightmare Lead Stallion

Daydream Regular (4)

Nightmare Regular (6)

Daydream Healer

Daydream Lead Stallion

Nightmare Healer

Nightmare Foal (1)

 

Current Mates:

NONE

 

Foals Needing RPers:

NONE

 

Foals Needing Mothers:

NONE

 

Mares Wishing To Be Lead Mare

~Nightmare:

Musaeth

Alani

~Daydream:

NONE

 

Roleplay Summary

Not much has happened yet.....

 

Current Actions

Those who need an update on the current actions of the roleplay, please PM davinhadaway2. If your post was less than two pages ago, you will be asked to read.

Edited by davinhadaway2

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Hey! Im not an approver but here is some questions I think you could answer in the post to make it a bit more detailed.

Goodluck!

 

Unicorns. They used to live in harmony with each other, but now they live in two separate herds.

Why? What happened.

Change the start to Unicorns used to live in harmony...

 

Before the unicorns split up, they were one big herd. There were four leaders: two stallions and two mares. The herd continued to grow, and everyone enjoyed life in the only herd of unicorns.

Change the colon (smile.gif into a comma.

 

Now the two herds are constantly at war with each other. They use their abilities on each.

What abilities, how do the abilities work?

 

But worst of all, the Ghost is back and it's determined to keep the unicorns apart.

Is there a history between the ghost and the unicorns? Why does the ghost want them to be split up so much?

 

Remember to add a fullstop at the end of each rule.

Can you give any more information about the ranks? What they do, any special authority they get?

Heres a little tip for the sign up form, add [code*] and [/code*] at the start and end of the form. Remember to remove the *!

Edited by pinkieseb

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Is there a history between the ghost and the unicorns? Why does the ghost want them to be split up so much?

 

Remember to add a fullstop at the end of each rule.

Fix it all, as for the last two, quoted above:

 

What is a fullstop?

 

I made the Ghost vague on purpose, more will be revealed about him later in the plot. The only one who knows right now is me, and later on, the person who ends up playing him.

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and everyone enjoyed live in the only herd of unicorns.

Live ---> life

 

The Ghost unicorn went around whispering things in the unicorns' ears, making them think their fellow herd members were the ones insulting them. Finally, when the Ghost unicorn reached the leaders, he whispered things so deadly that it was decided then and there that the unicorns would split up. The herd's land was divided, light unicorns to one side, and the dark to the other.

So "insults" can just make a whole herd split apart?

 

But worst of all, the Ghost is back and it's determined to keep the unicorns apart.

It's ---> it is

 

Will the unicorn finally help each other defeat the ghost or will they forever be at war?

Unicorn should be plural: Unicorns

 

-All the unicorns are used to fight, except for foals. Foals will be protected by their mothers, and moved as far from the fight as possible.

So then who's going to help the unicorns recover from the fight? Basically, it would be kinda useless if the herds didn't have a medical unicorn or something like that. This is just my opinion.

---

Also, I think you need to buff up the plot/history. It's really slim.

Edited by Kitkat10

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Live ---> life

 

 

So "insults" can just make a whole herd split apart?

 

 

It's ---> it is

 

 

Unicorn should be plural: Unicorns

 

 

So then who's going to help the unicorns recover from the fight? Basically, it would be kinda useless if the herds didn't have a medical unicorn or something like that. This is just my opinion.

---

Also, I think you need to buff up the plot/history. It's really slim.

I believe I fixed everything here smile.gif

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Fix it all, as for the last two, quoted above:

 

What is a fullstop?

 

I made the Ghost vague on purpose, more will be revealed about him later in the plot. The only one who knows right now is me, and later on, the person who ends up playing him.

A fullstop is a period, I just call it a fullstop because I'm used to calling it that.

Sorry for any confusion smile.gif

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Do they all have to either be black or white? Just my personal opinion, but I feel like that's a little restrictive. It's totally fine if you don't want random colors or other neutral colors like brown, but what about varying shades of white and black, or those with markings? It sounds a little dull to have characters that all look alike.

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Do they all have to either be black or white? Just my personal opinion, but I feel like that's a little restrictive. It's totally fine if you don't want random colors or other neutral colors like brown, but what about varying shades of white and black, or those with markings? It sounds a little dull to have characters that all look alike.

They are black and white for specific reasons, which are restricted because it ties into the Ghost thing. They were originally not so.

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Hello. I'm here to give your RP some critique. Since it's already quite good, many of the following points are nitpicky.

 

I have bolded parts of the quotes. Those are the areas that I think have problems.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Before the unicorns split up, they were one big herd.

-It's fine now, but maybe "separated" would sound better and make more sense?

 

The herd was joint led by the pairs of leaders, two of which were black in color, the other white.

-This is also fine the way it is, but "joint led" sounds a tad confusing. Maybe change it?

-By saying that two were white and the other is black, you make it sound like there are only three leaders. If you change "other" to "others", then it implies that the rest of the leaders are black.

 

The herd continued to grow, and everyone enjoyed life in the only herd of unicorns.

-This is fine the way it is, but if you want to exaggerate the point that there's only one herd of unicorns, you can change "only" to "only existing".

 

 

It was the dead of winter when the unicorns split into two.

-This sounds like the unicorns' bodies split into two parts.

 

Tensions were already high, with lack of food, and an already boiling argument between the two pairs of leaders about the control of the herd.

-This is redundant because you used the same word (already) twice in the same sentence. I recommend removing the second one and changing the "an" before it to "a".

 

In the middle of the night, the unicorns were visited by the Ghost unicorn, a deadly spirit many believed didn't exist.

-Every single unicorn? You described (well, implied...) the herd as being quite large. Would the Ghost Unicorn have enough time to talk to, and more importantly, convince everyone?

-Why is only the "Ghost" part of the "Ghost unicorn"'s name capitalized? Since both words are part of his name, they both need to be capitalized.

-This is redundant because you used the same word (unicorn) twice in one sentence.

 

The Ghost unicorn went around whispering things in the unicorns' ears, making them think their fellow herd members were the ones insulting them.

-The Ghost Unicorn must be a good voice actor. How would he be able to imitate all those voices?

-The herd would separate because of insults? They don't sound very dedicated...

-Wouldn't anyone realize something was up if every member was insulted during the night? Shouldn't they have run into each other?

-If the unicorns were awake enough to hear and understand the insults, wouldn't they have seen the Ghost Unicorn and realize that it wasn't another herd member?

 

Finally, when the Ghost unicorn reached the leaders, he whispered things so deadly that it was decided then and there that the unicorns would split up.

-You described his speech as "whispered" before. While this isn't really redundant, I suggest some diversity.

-They decided they would split up while sleeping?

-Again, "split up" sounds kind of awkward, like they were couples.

 

The herd's land was divided, light unicorns to one side, and the dark to the other.

-By using "light" and "dark", you're implying that there's a group of good unicorns and a group of evil ones. Maybe just use black and white instead?

 

They use their abilities on each other, abilities that can be as deadly as ice, or as tame as purifying water.

-So ice is the deadliest ability allowed? What if "ice" is just making little ice sculptures?

 

He's recruiting, bringing unicorns to his side from both herds, and it's up to the unicorns to stop him.

-The unicorns that he recruited have to stop him? While common sense makes the answer perfectly obvious, it's better to specify.

-Redundancy because you used the same word (unicorns) twice in the same sentence.

-How is he recruiting unicorns?

 

What the unicorns don't know is that they have a chance to defeat the Ghost - only if they work together.

-Maybe add "but" in between the hyphen and "only"?

-The hyphen should be attached to "Ghost". Leave the space after it.

 

 

 

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The herd was led jointly by the pairs of leaders, two of which were black in color, the others white.

This still isn't very clear. While it's obvious what you mean, "jointly" is an odd word to use.

 

The herd continued to grow, and everyone enjoyed life in the only herd existing of unicorns.

"of" should go before "existing", not after it.

 

It was the dead of winter when the unicorns split into two herds.

You used "herd" in the last sentence, so it sounds a bit repetitive here. I know it was in another paragraph, but still...

 

They use their abilities on each other, abilities that can be as terrible as death, or as tame as purifying water.

What does "death" do? I think you mean inducing death! though that might be a bit OP.

 

But worst of all, the Ghost is back and it is determined to keep the unicorns apart.

"it is" should be "it's".

-----------------------------

 

There weren't many problems left in the plot. I'll do rules, ranks etc. another time.

 

But the fourth paragraph still has lots of problems. I didn't point them out because I did before and they weren't fixed. Please, go over my first critique again and fix the things you missed.

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Everything is fixed. As for the things stated last time, I checked ALL of them, and they're all fixed or justified, or edited in some way already.

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Alright, sorry. But the one thing you didn't fix was the light/dark thing wink.gif

 

Also, can I reserve the lead mare of nightmare herd? I know it's to be chosen in the RP, but that'd be sorta weird because there are already two mare leaders, so please?

Edited by KoalaNoob

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You can PM me a sign up and put in it you wish to be lead mare. For leads, I usually let the stallions choose, so they have some freedom of RP

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-No killing another players character w/o permission.

You should probably replace "w/o" with "without". "w/o" just seems lazy, and there are people that don't know chatspeak.

 

-Your unicorn must be white or black, depending on what herd you're in, Nightmare or Daydream. Daydream is home to the light unicorns, and Nightmare to the dark. If you play the Ghost, you are silver.
You describe the colors as "white and black", then "light and dark". I suggest you choose one and stick to it, since it's a bit confusing and contradictory.

 

- Please note that when I say 'light' and 'dark' I am referring to coat color, not to wether they are evil or good.

There's a space after the hyphen.

You spelled "whether" as "wether".

 

-You need to make at least 2 characters, different genders.

I suggest changing this to "if you make a second character it must be a different gender". Some people don't have the time to manage two characters, or want to really focus on one.

 

-All the unicorns are used to fight, except for foals. Foals will be protected by their mothers, and moved as far from the fight as possible.
How do the mothers fight if they're protecting the foals somewhere far away?

 

-If you have read all the rules put Unicorn in other section, so I know you payed attention.

I suggest you put "Unicorn" in quotation marks.

 

-Ghost Unicorn Followers: Unlimited (Followers of the Ghost. There need to be more herd members than these, so PM me about this also.)
I suggest putting "Unlimited" in parentheses, so it's like the numbers with other ranks.

 

-Lead Mare of Daydream Herd: (1) (Chosen in RPG, mate of the leader, not as much power as the lead stallion, but more authority than a regular herd member.)

I don't think it should be chosen in RPG, they should be established already since they were leaders when the unicorns were in one herd.

RPG should be RP or roleplay.

 

-Lead Stallion of Nightmare Herd: (1) (To be played by myself, description same as the Daydream Lead Stallion.)

It's unnecessary to say that you're playing it.

Instead of saying "same as so-and-so", just copy-paste the description. It looks less lazy.

 

-Lead Mare of NightMare Herd: (1) (Same for Daydream Lead Mare.)

"NightMare" should be "Nightmare".

Instead of saying "same as so-and-so", just copy-paste the description. It looks less lazy.

 

-Healer of Daydream Herd: (1) (Heals any injuries. Pretty self-explanatory to me.)

It's unnecessary to add your opinion. Only information is needed.

 

-Healer of Nightmare Herd: (1) (Same as above.)

Instead of saying "same as so-and-so", just copy-paste the description. It looks less lazy.

 

-Unicorn Foals for each herd: Unlimited

Maybe add something about less than adults? People like to play youngsters a lot, and a herd of Foals wouldn't be good...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I think that's pretty much it! This RP seems like it'd be ready for approval as soon as these things are fixed!

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Also, saying what you mean by light and dark should be a note, not a rule smile.gif

 

I still disagree with the lead mare thing. Lead stallion doesn't have to be voted on. Can you explain why you want it to be like that?

Edited by KoalaNoob

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Fixed, and I said why through PM, but here it is again, copy and pasted:

 

So that nobody can complain about the character. Trust me, I've had it happen before. This way I can simply tell them that the original people of the roleplay chose this certain leader, and they just have to deal with it. Candidates for lead mare will be capped off at 3 per herd.

 

Lead stallion is a first come first serve spot, which is why it doesn't have to be voted on.

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So why isn't lead mare a first come first serve spot?

 

I'm not challenging you, I'm trying to help your RP become a bit better by having everything backed up by logic.

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Originally, so that the lead stallion didn't end up with somebody he hated. Now, it is so that people actually have a chance at it. Lead mares are always snapped up within five seconds. This way, those who don't find this until a bit later still have a shot at a high spot.

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