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Description Force!

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Just now, Wolves-and-Wings said:

Hi guys! This Description isn't even approved yet, but I want your opinion. I like to write stuff like this. I'm basically building a kingdom story off my dragons. I love to write stories and the descriptions are really fun to write. So anyway, I need some proofreading here.

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Matilda, at the beginning of her life, was an energetic and hard-to-control hatchling. When the adult dragons were paying attention to the other hatchlings, she would swim away and end up near human territory. Here is why some dragons call her 'Matilda the Interested'- She was so interested in humans. She would watch from under docks as humans built mysterious structures, which she heard were houses. She watched from underwater as they caught fish with metal hooks attached to string and wooden sticks.When the adults finally noticed she was gone, they'd go into panic.Eventually, they learned where she would go all the time. She always returned home, so they learned not to panic as well. Even though she is mature now, she still watches the humans. Because of this, she has the most knowledge about humanity. Dragons use her knowledge to protect eggs and hatchlings and to avoid them. Some say if you look deep in the water near the dock she lingers in, you might just see her.

Why do you need proofreading? This looks fine to me. (And I'm pretty sure I clicked 'Accept' when I saw it go through...)

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1 minute ago, Lagie said:

Why do you need proofreading? This looks fine to me. (And I'm pretty sure I clicked 'Accept' when I saw it go through...)

Well, I didn't exactly mean proofreading. I meant, like, improvement suggestions. I saw this was the place to ask. Thanks for the support.

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2 minutes ago, Wolves-and-Wings said:

Well, I didn't exactly mean proofreading. I meant, like, improvement suggestions. I saw this was the place to ask. Thanks for the support.

Ah, gotcha.

 

"Matilda, at the beginning of her life, was an energetic and hard-to-control hatchling. When the adult dragons were paying attention to the other hatchlings, she would swim away and end up near human territory. Here is why some dragons call her 'Matilda the Interested'- She was so interested in humans. She would watch from under docks as humans built mysterious structures, which she heard were houses. She watched from underwater as they caught fish with metal hooks attached to string and wooden sticks.When the adults finally noticed she was gone, they'd go into panic.Eventually, they learned where she would go all the time. She always returned home, so they learned not to panic as well. Even though she is mature now, she still watches the humans. Because of this, she has the most knowledge about humanity. Dragons use her knowledge to protect eggs and hatchlings and to avoid them. Some say if you look deep in the water near the dock she lingers in, you might just see her."

 

deep in the water near the dock she lingers in - might be better as: near the dock where she lingers

adults could possibly be adult dragons?

I don't really see it needs much changing other than that, though.

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James T Herk is as grumpy as they get. Among the things that annoy this dragon are: hunger, unwanted company, bad grammar, boring, unoriginal writing, dragons named John, dragons who define themselves over their relationship, the obsession with offspring, people thinking Drakes were intelligent, people acting as if dragons were NOT intelligent...

Oh, and arrogance.

Wait @Herk, I understood it until "John". What's that about?

 

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2 hours ago, Dirtytabs said:

Wait @Herk, I understood it until "John". What's that about?

 

I think it's making a point about how specific and pointless his dislikes are. It could as easily have been dragons named Bob. :P

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No, it couldn't - that was written ages ago when someone spammed the queue with dragons named 'John' - like John 123 and Antijohn 123. Big John and Big Antijohn, etc (can't remember the real names but you get the picture). All description were completely nonsensical grammar/syntax wise and the dragons TERRIBLY overpowered. I don't think we ever managed to convince the writer that he wasn't allowed to describe his dergs as gods...

 

Otherwise Lagie's reading works fine for the un-initiated.

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3 hours ago, Herk said:

No, it couldn't - that was written ages ago when someone spammed the queue with dragons named 'John' - like John 123 and Antijohn 123. Big John and Big Antijohn, etc (can't remember the real names but you get the picture). All description were completely nonsensical grammar/syntax wise and the dragons TERRIBLY overpowered. I don't think we ever managed to convince the writer that he wasn't allowed to describe his dergs as gods...

 

Otherwise Lagie's reading works fine for the un-initiated.

I had forgotten about the Johns! XD Thanks for the reminder!

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I'm glad I missed that. XD Perhaps he can join Tears.

Edited by Dirtytabs
(Shhh)

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  • Abstain: I'm not sure if pigeons are present in this universe...

Sure they do... I think... They were mentioned in Valkemarian Tales, and while it's not canon, TJ approved the dialogue for the site, so they COULD exist.

 

I did ask a while ago on the AMA if there are any animals that don't exist on Valkemare due to dragons and drakes filling their niches, and I don't remember the exact answer but it was very vague. I would assume top predators like tigers and wolves do not exist because the much smarter/faster/more magical dragons would ensure they go extinct/never evolve. It always strikes me as unrealistic when people write that their dragons' favorite food is jaguars or something because certainly there would be NO jaguars in the first place. There's no way they could coexist. I mean, look at what happened to the other hominids. They died out.

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Yea that's one of those things that's hard to say, but wouldn't reject for mentioning a real world animal. *shrug* As long as it existed in the time period (so not like, a dinosaur or something THOUGH we have the dinos in-cave so... an argument could be made for that frankly haha).

 

I haven't been doing descriptions lately, i'm sorry 8(  Work is busy and they build up so faaaast.

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Ooh, remember that Halloween where you could turn your dinos into more realistically shaped dinosaurs they're based on? That was great. I like to pretend that somehow, a handful of extinct-on-Earth dinosaurs somehow survived to present-day Valkemare. Meanwhile, the rest that didn't die out evolved into the world's birds like on Earth.

 

Maybe some time I'll compile a list of Earth Animals That Also Exist on Valkemare, sourced from the site. Maybe I'll do that right now.

Crustaceans
Crabs
Crayfish
Shellfish
Shrimp
Glaucus
Snails
Sea stars
Worms
Corals

Anemones (event)
Leeches (event)
Spiders
Insects
Tarantula hawks
Butterflies
Monarch butterflies
Blue morphos
Moths
Fireflies (event)
Bees
Wasps
Cicadas
Fire ants
Birds
Songbirds
Pigeons (event)
Waterfowl
Flamingos
Roadrunners
Chickens
Swallows
Parrots
Owls
Barn owls
Falcons
Cormorants
Mammals
Dolphins
Whales
Seals
Bats
Polar bears
Black bears
Rabbits
Hares
Rodents
Mice
Kangaroo rats
Squirrels
Deer
Gazelles
Antelopes
Goats
Mountain goats
Sheep
Pigs
Elephants
Cattle
Horses
Cats
Lions
Tigers
Dogs
Wolves
Otters
Monkeys (event)
Humans
Frogs
Salamanders
Reptiles
Lizards
Snakes
Alligators
Crocodiles
Fish
Oily fish
Sailfin tangs
Salmon
Tuna

Minnows
Tetras

I need a hobby.

 

Aw, don't worry about it, Kaini. I hardly mind descriptions sitting in wait for a while.

Edited by Dirtytabs

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@Dirtytabs I am sure you deserve a kudos somewhere for that. How about a little TJ's Ark and all the animals that survived the great world flood. I feel that is a very important question to answer and that story/parable would explain the various Cults of TJ. I GUESS YOU just created some LORE. You don't have to write it down though. You could draw them as a box and bowl of cereal again... (reference is other drawings, not saying to do more talent is double edged!)

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Well I'm certainly glad Anemones exist, one of my dragon descriptions has a dragon that collects them in tide pools :P

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Hiya everyone!  So I wrote my first description about a month ago. It hasn't been accepted yet (I'm sure the description approvers are just busy) but while I was waiting I got to thinking about it, and I wanted to see other people's opinion on it!

 

Here it is:

 

Quote

The sound of wings beating could faintly be heard over the pounding rain. Dawn approached, but the sky was still dark as the dragon flew. She swooped wearily towards an opening in the cliffside, her red spots dull in the gloom. She landed in the dark cave with a sigh of relief.
The dragoness looked around the cave and began to step forward, but stopped when she saw an odd object near the back of the cave. Crouching, she stalked towards the thing with a hiss in her throat. Soon she came close enough to see that it was a large stone, with a weathered scroll sitting on top. Her snarl grew louder when it began to glow ominously. She waited, but it did nothing.
Snarling, she swiped a powerful paw at it, but her claws bounced right off. She turned away from the scroll with a huff, and found a place to sleep. As the night turned to day and she drifted off, delicate writing began to appear on the piece of parchment. She would be the first to find this scroll, but she would not be the last.

 

I finished with only 4 characters left, haha.

Something I've been wondering about is if this is even fitting for a description? I believe it does fit with the lore and breed description, for the most part. However, it's not totally a description of the dragon's personality or life. I wrote it the way I did because I tend to be a long-winded writer and I love creative stories. This dragon was the first I ever grew,  so that is why she was "the first to find this scroll." I made it sort of meta and alluded to the fact that the dragon's appear on our scrolls. Instead of describing her in a more general way, I tried to right something very present, but still show that she has a fierce, snarly, and temperamental personality, which is in keeping with the breed description. 

As I reread it I see little errors that effect the flow. I used the word "cave" one too many times in the beginning. I used the word "snarl" a bit too close to the last instance of the word as well. Other than that, is there any other grammatical errors you can see?

 

My main question is this:

Should I edit it and modify some words/fix errors, or should I scrap the whole thing completely for being too meta and story-based? Or, just keep it as is?

 

(There are 3 blank accepts on it currently and no rejects or abstains with notes)

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I see nothing wrong with the description. Narrative descriptions are usually acceptable if they say something that makes the subject unique (they're not just like any ol' dragon), which yours does. You might say that her reactions to the scroll describe her personality. There are also descriptions that give a backstory, and I read that as a How This Dragon Got Here or How This Scroll Came to Be.

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Descriptions got back up to large numbers again but I'm attempting to chip them back down ;u; Keep reviewing and thank you for your patience ;u;

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I hit the end of the queue last night! Good luck, Kaini.

 

The bones are lying on the ground. :P

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This thread is all about descriptions, so you don't need to have a question. :D Many thanks! I'm so happy when my descriptions are noticed, and a bit embarrassed if a particular one isn't that great. :P I love the name you gave to your purple, too! I hope it appears as pending soon, or even a user description.

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Is it okay to use the abstain button with no comment if you don't know what to say about a dragon? So essentially using it as a 'skip' button? Or is that frowned upon? 

 

Also do we get notifications for anything related to descriptions (comments, rejection/acceptance)? 

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11 hours ago, Cinspawn said:

Is it okay to use the abstain button with no comment if you don't know what to say about a dragon? So essentially using it as a 'skip' button? Or is that frowned upon? 

 

Also do we get notifications for anything related to descriptions (comments, rejection/acceptance)? 

If the description seems good enough to you, why not just hit accept and be on your merry way? To be abstained with no comment just because you want to skip doesn't help anyone at all. 

 

Also, no. The only way to know your description is getting acception/rejection is to check up on it yourself. 

Edited by Seraphim

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Just now, Seraphim said:

If the description seems good enough to you, why not just hit accept and be on your merry way? To be abstained with no comment just because you want to skip doesn't help anyone at all.

No not if the description is good enough for me, but rather when I don't know how to improve it yet I can tell something is off. But I'm not 100% sure what is/how to fix it. Sorry, I should have clarified. :)

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1 minute ago, Cinspawn said:

No not if the description is good enough for me, but rather when I don't know how to improve it yet I can tell something is off. But I'm not 100% sure what is/how to fix it. Sorry, I should have clarified. :)


At the end of the day, you do you and I can't stop you, but I wanted to try give perspective from the other side. I've had abstains and rejections with no comments (and I'm sure I'm not the only one this has happened to!) but it's like, obviously these people see something wrong with my descriptions, but I won't know because I'm not a mind reader. 

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