Description Force!

[Dirtytabs]

On 11/27/2017 at 1:15 AM, Chaos Rider said:

When Garsath smelt the presence of another dragon on the edges of her territory, she immediately flew towards the intruder to scare them off. But when she was halfway there, she suddenly lost the ability to fly and was forced to stretch out her wings in a barely controlled glide to the ground. Guessing the cause of her loss of lift (for Desipis dragons are too heavy to fly without magic), she opened her mouth to breathe fire and was met with nothing as she had suspected. While walking back to her cave, a brown dragon with black wing membranes flew overhead, and she was overcome with awful headaches and dizziness as the world spun around her - much worse than the time she was bitten by that giant spider. Months later, terrorized by the brown dragon and hardly able to feed herself due to being unable to fly or hunt the way a Desipis normally would, she wants nothing more than to leave the large forested island that is her home, but she can't swim, either.

Aside from more comma things:

"and the world" -> "as the world"

"got bit" -> "was bitten"

turn the semicolon into a comma. Semicolons are not substitutes for commas unless you have a list

"that was her home" -> "that is her home" it's still currently her home and probably will stay that way since she can't swim

 

https://dragcave.net/lineage/tWMqw https://dragcave.net/lineage/n/rescinder https://dragcave.net/progeny/tWMqw heh heh heh

 

 

I've been seeing several examples of semicolon misuse, so how to use a semicolon FYI:

• In a list/series with internal punctuation: "I presented Alice's dissertation about science, technology, and art; Bob's book, A Treatise on Paleobiology; and my newest series, which covers topics in medical ethics."
• Joining two related independent clauses (i.e. full sentences): "My sister likes to put strawberry cream cheese on her bagel; I prefer salmon lox spread."

Edited December 1, 2017 by Dirtytabs

[Lagie]

Semi-colons also precede however! Blahdy blah blah; however, blurdy blud blurd!

[Dirtytabs]

Oh, worth a mention. That's when you join independent clauses, and they work as separate sentences if you want.  Blahdy blah blah. However, blurdy blud blurd!

[RainbowTheAlbinoServal]

Quote

Class: DC Dragon
Age: Adult (unknown)
Description: A neglected who seems to be gay, since he's extremely girly, and extremely forgetful. It's like he doesn't have any memory. Still have normal needs tho, so he does have a brain. His eyes are dull. 
Personality: Extremely forgetful, and doesn't actknowledge what's in front of him for a minute after he sees something. Is described as crazy in some elder stories.
Backstory: All we know is that he was raised in a lab, but dragons says that he was born without a memory. (amv coming soon: Coma baby) Now, whenever dragons see him in a distance, they all walk away, which means he is lonely and sad all the time.
Love interest: The Mosa (species: Mosasaurus)
Family: Deceased (sister)

Alright, so, this is basic character forms for Isolated Island characters. Isolated Island takes place about a bunch of hundreds years from present in the future. The conditions on Isolated Island makes the weak things physically stronger and healthier.

What else do I need to fix here? This is on a neglected.

[Herk]

12 hours ago, RainbowTheAlbinoServal said:

Alright, so, this is basic character forms for Isolated Island characters. Isolated Island takes place about a bunch of hundreds years from present in the future. The conditions on Isolated Island makes the weak things physically stronger and healthier.

What else do I need to fix here? This is on a neglected.

 

OK so...

 

A setting in the future is going against the "has to fit the pseudo-medieval DC world" rule.

 

The description should be in complete sentences in the English language, so the format is a 'no' as far as I'm concerned. It just doesn't fit with the rest of the text on the dragon's page.

 

Besides half the categories make little to no sense to me. What is "DC dragon" as a 'Class'? How is Description different from Personality and/or Background? "Love interest" is a term I would use (very dismissively) to describe characters on a TV show/book

 

For this specific dragon...

 

"He seems gay" sounds kinda dismissive/derogatory to me although I'm sure you didn't mean it that way. Also what has his forgetfulness to do with his sexual orientation? "Still have normal needs..." is a fragment not a sentence; it should be 'has' not have' 'tho' is NOT the right spelling of 'though'. How do his needs confirm he has a brain? I would say being alive would be proof enough of that; *acknowledge* (spelling* (and it's a double from the last point)

"We" violates the 3rd person only rule. *dragons say* I have  no idea what the parenthesis with *amv* is even meant to mean...

 

I'm sure I must have missed a thing or two...

 

Sorry if this comes of as a bit harsh but you did ask 

[Earth Gurl]

On 1/22/2018 at 6:10 AM, RainbowTheAlbinoServal said:

Class: DC Dragon
Age: Adult (unknown)
Description:  *insert name here* is a neglected who seems to be gay, since he's is extremely feminine and is extremely forgetful. It's like he doesn't have any memory. He still has basic needs, however, so he does have a brain. His eyes are dull.
Personality: Because he is forgetful, he doesn't acknowledge what's in front of him for a minute after he sees something. He is described as crazy in some elder stories.
Backstory: He was raised in a lab, but dragons says that he was born without a memory. (amv coming soon: Coma baby) Whenever dragons see him in a distance, they all walk away, which means he is lonely and sad all the time. His mate is The Mosa, though they are unable to have children.
Love interest: The Mosa (species: Mosasaurus)
Family: Deceased (sister)

 

The "gay" part can be construed as offensive to LGBT people. There's no way to tell by looking at someone what their sexual orientation is. I said "His mate is The Mosa" assuming "The Mosa" is an actual dragon on your scroll. Otherwise, no future references make sense. DC has a specific universe and lore. I would take what Herk and I have said and rewrite.  You can have an island called Isolated Island, but it can't be very special and it can't take place in the future.

[RainbowTheAlbinoServal]

Ehh, Isolated Island is actually my project and it's going to be a HUGE animated stories...

Most of the residents does come from DC, but some strange things took them to the island.

Idk what else to say..

[Dirtytabs]

That sounds like a neat project, but it's out-of-DC enough to have to live/be hosted elsewhere, not a description box on a DC dragon's page.

 

You may take Herk and EG's advice and also write in vaguer terms. For instance, say he was transported to this strange island that's nothing like he's seen before and stop there. Don't mention it's not on Valkemare and it's set in the future.

[Earth Gurl]

On 1/23/2018 at 7:43 AM, RainbowTheAlbinoServal said:

Ehh, Isolated Island is actually my project and it's going to be a HUGE animated stories...

Most of the residents does come from DC, but some strange things took them to the island.

Idk what else to say..

 

I mean, it's against the Description Guidelines to have a place like that. Just make sure it fits the guidelines.

[Dirtytabs]

Lately, I've seen a few descriptions where some words are not separated by a space where there should be (and my descriptions have that, too). I suspect the private profile notepad has something to do with it - it may replace spaces with non-breaking spaces once the note is saved. Because a non-breaking space is not a supported character in the description box, it's omitted, just like what happens to slashes, ampersands, and the like. If that's true, I would HIGHLY suggest submitting the description and immediately going back to check the spacing, or first putting it in something like Word replacing the spaces (command/control-H, in Find what: command/control-shift-space, Replace with: space).

[Awdz]

I have a dragon named Shonz to whom I gave the following description:

Shonz is one cool dragon. One thump of his forepaw, and music starts playing; one flap of his wing and females appear just to keep him company. The males who hang out with him all look up to him for advice on how to behave. He just has a way of doing things that no one can match.

 

This was a valid description for years.  I recently resubmitted it because I finally replaced the dragon with a CB of the same breed.  The resubmission was rejected as being overpowered.  ???  If being unique is overpowered, then there are many invalid descriptions out there.  As for reference, the Fonz was identified by some of the reviewers.  I kept the description worded to match the dragon cave lore.

 

What is the best way to contest the rejection?  Just resubmit it?

[purpledragonclaw]

That doesn't seem overpowered to me? I also don't see anything wrong with it?

[Earth Gurl]

2 hours ago, Awdz Bodkins said:

I have a dragon named Shonz to whom I gave the following description:

Shonz is one cool dragon. One thump of his forepaw, and music starts playing; one flap of his wing and females appear just to keep him company. The males who hang out with him all look up to him for advice on how to behave. He just has a way of doing things that no one can match.

 

This was a valid description for years.  I recently resubmitted it because I finally replaced the dragon with a CB of the same breed.  The resubmission was rejected as being overpowered.  ???  If being unique is overpowered, then there are many invalid descriptions out there.  As for reference, the Fonz was identified by some of the reviewers.  I kept the description worded to match the dragon cave lore.

 

What is the best way to contest the rejection?  Just resubmit it?

 

I don't actually remember rejecting this. When was it submitted? Before June of last year? I usually remember a description that I've rejected. But I mean yeah, it's fine.

Also, backlog is about 380 rn and I'm crazy sick and busy. 

Edited February 3, 2018 by Earth Gurl

[MiserablePileOfSecrets]

I've recently started to write descriptions for some of my lovely darlings and i was wondering how this works for a (revived) Howler Drake of mine:

Fate often works in cryptic ways, deciding who lives, who dies, and who does both. Born into a pack of many, she started a simple life, seeing barely a difference between herself and her pack, born from larger eggs. They didn't enjoy the same games however, always quick to stop her howling, never letting her chew on new toys found, and even placing her away from the others for reasons only they knew.
The simple joys of life wouldn't last forever as illness struck, members of her pack dropped one by one, it was an inevitable fate she soon followed. But as it would be, it would not last and she awoken anew, breath in her body and sickness quickly fading. Now however, her pack no longer stood around her, not any large eggs lying around nor the larger members of her pack. In their places, mounds of dirt still containing their lingering scents. Unable to consider any other area but where her pack lay home, she remained, searching the mounds for lost members, or waiting for any to return.

 

I tried for a 3rd-person-limited perspective and was wondering if there is anything I should change/alter/remove

[Earth Gurl]

On 2/4/2018 at 1:09 AM, MiserablePileOfSecrets said:

I've recently started to write descriptions for some of my lovely darlings and i was wondering how this works for a (revived) Howler Drake of mine:

Fate often works in cryptic ways, deciding who lives, who dies, and who does both. Born into a pack of many, she started a simple life, seeing barely a difference between herself and her pack, born from larger eggs. They didn't enjoy the same games, however, always quick to stop her howling, never letting her chew on new toys found, and even placing her away from the others for reasons only they knew.
The simple joys of life wouldn't last forever as illness struck. Members of her pack dropped one by one, and it was an inevitable fate she soon followed. But as it would be, it would not last, and she awoken anew, breath in her body and sickness quickly fading. Now, however, her pack no longer stood around her, neither any large eggs lying around nor the larger members of her pack. In their places, mounds of dirt still containing their lingering scents. Unable to consider any other area but where her pack lay home, she remained, searching the mounds for lost members, or waiting for any to return.

 

I tried for a 3rd-person-limited perspective and was wondering if there is anything I should change/alter/remove

 

Great description; doesn't overpower the drake and describes her well. I put strikes through the stuff that should be removed, and anything in red was added (there are a few commas). Great work!

ETA: if anyone like @Dirtytabs wants to check my commas, feel free. c:

Edited February 6, 2018 by Earth Gurl

[Dirtytabs]

It looks excellent, comma-wise. I'd suggest referring to the drake with a noun at the beginning ("this creature", [name], etc.) instead of entirely pronouns.

[MiserablePileOfSecrets]

Thank you for helping me out! (I knew I missed some commas) While I'm a personal fan of small pieces using pronouns only, in this case I did it because I really didn't have room otherwise (her name is "Graves Digger" and before the edits I was at 997 characters - which has been brought to all 1000 with the new edits)

[Lurhstaap]

Hooray for queue clearing! Go, EG, go! My CB Valentines all got desc'd officially just in time for their holiday thanks to your hard work <3 (Of course I immediately write more... sorry  But I summoned a new Sinomorph and they're too special not to give each one a desc right away. And then today I was breeding for Valentine's and I noticed I had a pair with a Heartstealing where they'd rejected out of season and that inspired me for descs for the two dragons involved.)

Edited February 8, 2018 by Lurhstaap

[Lagie]

Thank you! To whichever mod approved this minty cheese on the day he was described!

[Lagie]

Ooh, long time, quiet thread!

I know it's end-of-term, end-of-year time for many people here, but the queue's building again.

Could we perhaps have a review weekend?  Or all commit to reviewing 20 or so a day to assist?

[Peachycupcake525]

1 hour ago, Lagie said:

Ooh, long time, quiet thread!

I know it's end-of-term, end-of-year time for many people here, but the queue's building again.

Could we perhaps have a review weekend?  Or all commit to reviewing 20 or so a day to assist?

There are a lot in the queue that I'm not sure about. I have been trying to review a few every once in a while, though.

[Mathcat]

First off, thanks to Earth Gurl for everything. I hope you're able to come back someday.

 

I got a comment on a flamingo the other day and wanted to ask about it.

 

Quote

Yeorj has a collection of swords that's impressive even by flamingo standards. Feeling that a collection is useless if it's just left to gather dust, she has convinced a human blacksmith to modify a few of her favorites so that she can wield them with her mouth. Yeorj uses her swords to fight any dragon she accuses of being a bully, unkind, or unfair, though as she's mainly looking for an excuse to start a fight, her reasons for fighting tend to be flimsy at best.

• Reject: Wouldn't a sword made by humans be much too small for a dragon? Not quite sure how large flamingos are, but this doesn't seem very plausible
• Accept:
• Accept:

One, the encyclopedia description mentions that they like to collect weapons, including swords. Two, the encyclopedia description mentions that they can read scrolls, which would seem to indicate that they're small enough to handle a sword.

[Herk]

6 minutes ago, Mathcat said:

First off, thanks to Earth Gurl for everything. I hope you're able to come back someday.

 

I got a comment on a flamingo the other day and wanted to ask about it.

 

• Reject: Wouldn't a sword made by humans be much too small for a dragon? Not quite sure how large flamingos are, but this doesn't seem very plausible
• Accept:
• Accept:

One, the encyclopedia description mentions that they like to collect weapons, including swords. Two, the encyclopedia description mentions that they can read scrolls, which would seem to indicate that they're small enough to handle a sword.

 

Even if they weren't - which I would say they are - if a smith modifies the thing for her THEN it's usable by her that's what the smith does for TJ's sake.

[Kaini]

Hello thread - the queue for descriptions is absolutely huge right now, and I've been trying to chip through it. User comments help a lot!

 

There's sooo many I don't really have the time to sit and correct typoes/grammar if there's a LOT, so those get rejected. Feel free to re-submit with corrections!

 

 

[Lagie]

Thsnks, Kai!

I have been trying to do reviewing consistently but should have more ability to do so once I get back on my laptop this weekend.