Description Force!

[Earth Gurl]

All pygmies are done. Moving onto Waterhorses. Waterhorses are done. Moving onto Nebbies. These are going to be a doozy.

 

Moving onto Whites! We are currently in the 3,000s!

Edited April 1, 2017 by Earth Gurl

[Dirtytabs]

There's one human who wholeheartedly believes Fell Through's head would make an excellent slide. At first, Fell Through saw the human as a terrible nuisance and would lumber away, only to be found and bothered again. He also tried several times to toss the human high up with his head and then catch and gulp it down. Even choking and spitting the thing out didn't change its mind about building the slide. Eventually, Fell Through tired of this nonsense and goes about his business while mostly pretending the human doesn't exist. Whenever [he] wakes up and sees that it has begun building stairs and structural supports on his head, he dumps them off. For some reason, nothing Fell Through does seems to deter the creature, but he doesn't think too much about what it's planning because he'd just go mad. Whenever he has the opportunity, he calls the human "it" despite its constant corrections, which seems to be the only thing that irks it.

 

Moderator Reject: Proofread a bit.

Accept: well-written but should probably be proofread. there are a few minor mistakes, mostly changes in tense.

Abstain: I haven't even read the description yet and I just have to say I love the name. Ok, now I've read it, and "whenever wakes" should be "whenever he wakes", but everything else looks great!

 

I'm not convinced I have the tenses wrong, but of course I have a high opinion of my descriptions' grammar. Care to point out the errors?

[Obscure_Trash]

There's one human who wholeheartedly believes Fell Through's head would make an excellent slide. At first, Fell Through saw the human as a terrible nuisance and would lumber away, only to be found and bothered again. He also tried several times to toss the human high up with his head and then catch and gulp it down. Even choking and spitting the thing out didn't change its mind about building the slide. Eventually, Fell Through tired of this nonsense and goes about his business while mostly pretending the human doesn't exist. Whenever [he] wakes up and sees that it has begun building stairs and structural supports on his head, he dumps them off. For some reason, nothing Fell Through does seems to deter the creature, but he doesn't think too much about what it's planning because he'd just go mad. Whenever he has the opportunity, he calls the human "it" despite its constant corrections, which seems to be the only thing that irks it.

 

Bolded where you suddenly change tense.

goes - went/decided to go

(Why is he in brackets in one sentence?)

 

Otherwise, it all looks good to me. =)

[Dirtytabs]

Ohhh, I got it. I'll insert a "now" so it's clear that he currently does what he does... which is pretty much the same as "decided to go".

 

(The bracketed "he" is a correction the third comment pointed out. It wasn't in the original description, so I think it's fair to insert it while kind of pointing out that there's a change. The brackets won't be in the resubmitted description, of course. )

[RainbowTheAlbinoServal]

Can anyone help with my vamp's description?

Description: Anaki is a rather mysterious vampire. She can be seen like everywhere a certain person go. She often turns bad people and have them do a "Vampiric training" which result in them losing their life to raging people. She is considered one of the heroines to the humans and remains unseen till today. But, she is a completely normal vampire.

[Herk]

Anaki is a rather mysterious vampire. She often uses her thrall to control bad people and has them do things which will eventually result in them losing their life to some raging mob. Once humans understood how she led evil people to their doom, she became a kind of heroine to them. She never shows herself unless to her victims and leaves an otherwise normal vampiric life hidden from the public eye.

 

Vampires can't turn humans, they can't even turn other dragons once they're hatched, so this needed a bit of a rewrite. Phrases like 'like' don't belong in written language the way you commonly use them in everyday talking.. The sentence of the "can be seen everywhere" contradicts the part of her not being seen, so I took it out

Edited April 2, 2017 by herk

[RainbowTheAlbinoServal]

Ok fixed!

[Kakaru_of_DOOM]

I would like to contest a rejection.

If this Heartseeker is to be believed, there is an entity called "the state of California", and it knows that he causes cancer. Certain rumours have connected this title with a night glory, but it is unlikely that the drake in question would know anything about carcinogens.

Known by the State of California to Cause Cancer is often found with the caligene Glyphosate, or in his cave where he collects cigars, unstable experiments involving life mana, and art containing uranium-yellow pigment. He is not a very healthy dragon; his lifestyle is likely a main factor in most if not all of his problems.

Abstain: Knowledge of carcinogens is too modern for DC. It wasn't until the 1800s when it could be determined cancer wasn't caused by "contagious poison" or "milk clot" or "miasma" -DT

Moderator Reject: This is a bit too modern for DC. Carcinogens and "cancer" as a disease are far too modern terminology.

Accept: LOL, this descrip has much win. I actually shared it with my hubby and we laughed together. Well done KoD! - NAT

 

According to Wikipedia, cancer has been known about since the time of the Egyptians. Even if 'modern' Valkemarian humans are iffy about it, I figure dragons would have a more advanced knowledge of the malady. My (perhaps wrong?) assumption is that because it is alive, life magic makes it grow/can't mitigate it, so surely the whites would know it is a special set of diseases distinct from those they can easily cure. Plus, all the Hope lineage pinks know about it. I suppose I still don't have a defense for the word 'carcinogen'; do you want me to take it out?

Alternatively, I can blame it on the State of Californa making up the word. If you still don't like it, I can emphasize the night-glory drake's influence.

Edited April 2, 2017 by Kakaru_of_DOOM

[Moonlight_Eevee]

Can someone help me with this description:

 

I'm Trying to Catch is always trying to catch the dragon known as The Red Dot. Everytime when he think he's close to catching her, he ends up with shiny stuff in his claws. Very rarely does the Red Dot allow him to catch, allowing them to be unusual mates

 

It was rejected by someone who wrote: Odd grammar, missing words. Could be better written.

Edited April 2, 2017 by Raptor of Dragons

[Herk]

I'm Trying to Catch is always trying to catch the dragon known as The Red Dot. Everytime he thinks he's close to catching her, he ends up with shiny stuff in his claws. Very rarely does the Red Dot allow him to actually catch her, making them quite unusual mates.

 

Tihihi. Cats and laser pointers

[Obscure_Trash]

I'm Trying to Catch is always trying to catch the dragon known as The Red Dot. Everytime when he think he's close to catching her, he ends up with shiny stuff in his claws. Very rarely does the Red Dot allow him to catch her, allowing them to be unusual mates.

 

Shiny stuff in his claws? Not sure what this means? Is The Red Dot a shiny dragon and he's got her scales/fur/mane in his claws?

"allowing them to be unusual mates" is odd wording. Maybe something like "Very rarely does the Red Dot allow him to catch her, making them to slightly unusual mates in the eyes of their cavemates."

(Just an alternative wording to what herk suggested.)

Edited April 2, 2017 by SockPuppet Strangler

[Moonlight_Eevee]

Okay! I re-edited it:

 

I'm Trying to Catch is always trying to catch the dragon known as the Red Dot. Everytime he think he's close to catching her, he ends up with shiny trinkets in his claws. Very rarely does the Red Dot allow him to catch her, making them slightly unusual mates in the eyes of their cavemates.

 

It got another rejection with no explanation this time. However! Since his mate already was accepted, here it is:

 

The Red Dot is evading the blue fire gem known as I'm Trying To Catch. She always seems to be constantly evading his grasp, sometimes mocking him with shiny trinkets in her place. This makes these dragons unusual mates.

 

(Note, The Red Dot has already been approved by a moderator)

Edited April 2, 2017 by Raptor of Dragons

[Laura-Borealis]

"...making them to slightly unusual mates" - making them slightly unusual mates ?

 

"Making them to" doesn't sound right to me.

 

 

Also, at one point you capitalize The in The Red Dot, and in another you don't. That's a small detail but you might want to standardize it.

Edited April 2, 2017 by Laura-Borealis

[Moonlight_Eevee]

"...making them to slightly unusual mates" - making them slightly unusual mates ?

 

"Making them to" doesn't sound right to me.

 

 

Also, at one point you capitalize The in The Red Dot, and in another you don't. That's a small detail but you might want to standardize it.

Edited, thank you

[Laura-Borealis]

NP

 

I wish we could edit them after they were approved. I know that would be a nightmare and never would happen, but I had one approved recently and then realized I'd used the word "various" three times in one paragraph. Twice in one sentence! I'll eternally be embarrassed by this. >_<

[Earth Gurl]

NP

 

I wish we could edit them after they were approved. I know that would be a nightmare and never would happen, but I had one approved recently and then realized I'd used the word "various" three times in one paragraph. Twice in one sentence! I'll eternally be embarrassed by this. >_<

I've been doing the dragon breeds I've already done daily (since people keep resubmitting). If you want to edit it and resubmit it for approval, it'll probably be re-accepted in a matter of hours.

[RainbowTheAlbinoServal]

Hooray!

Bolz's description is getting outdated..

[Earth Gurl]

I would like to contest a rejection.

If this Heartseeker is to be believed, there is an entity called "the state of California", and it knows that he causes cancer. Certain rumours have connected this title with a night glory, but it is unlikely that the drake in question would know anything about carcinogens.

Known by the State of California to Cause Cancer is often found with the caligene Glyphosate, or in his cave where he collects cigars, unstable experiments involving life mana, and art containing uranium-yellow pigment. He is not a very healthy dragon; his lifestyle is likely a main factor in most if not all of his problems.

Abstain: Knowledge of carcinogens is too modern for DC. It wasn't until the 1800s when it could be determined cancer wasn't caused by "contagious poison" or "milk clot" or "miasma" -DT

Moderator Reject: This is a bit too modern for DC. Carcinogens and "cancer" as a disease are far too modern terminology.

Accept: LOL, this descrip has much win. I actually shared it with my hubby and we laughed together. Well done KoD! - NAT

 

According to Wikipedia, cancer has been known about since the time of the Egyptians. Even if 'modern' Valkemarian humans are iffy about it, I figure dragons would have a more advanced knowledge of the malady. My (perhaps wrong?) assumption is that because it is alive, life magic makes it grow/can't mitigate it, so surely the whites would know it is a special set of diseases distinct from those they can easily cure. Plus, all the Hope lineage pinks know about it. I suppose I still don't have a defense for the word 'carcinogen'; do you want me to take it out?

Alternatively, I can blame it on the State of Californa making up the word. If you still don't like it, I can emphasize the night-glory drake's influence.

I think I was more hung up on the word "carcinogen". I also consulted wikipedia, but I don't remember what it said about the word "cancer", but I feel like I've heard it used to describe a disease in some sort of a medieval setting.

 

Also, as an update, I've been working on descriptions and I've finished all suggestions instead of Stones. (And also Papers, since I overlooked them when I did the unbreedables).

I'll be in need of some new suggestions soon.

[Laura-Borealis]

I've been doing the dragon breeds I've already done daily (since people keep resubmitting). If you want to edit it and resubmit it for approval, it'll probably be re-accepted in a matter of hours.

Oh wow! I didn't realize they COULD be edited after approval. That's awesome. Thank you.

[RainbowTheAlbinoServal]

This white dragon's name is Kai, and she is the only one who has a non english name in the "Goddess's" raised dragon list. She is a bit mysterious and will try to get all information from someone before she even takes them as a friend. She lives somewhere near the sea.

What is wrong with this description? =O

[Obscure_Trash]

This white dragon's name is Kai, and she is the only one who has a non english name in the "Goddess's" raised dragon list. She is a bit mysterious and will try to get all information from someone before she even takes them as a friend. She lives somewhere near the sea.

 

non-English could perhaps be foreign instead.

 

Who is the Goddess and why does she matter to Kai?

 

What kind of information does she try and get from people?

 

"raised dragon list" is awkward. Why not just "raised by Goddess" (with re-wording of the rest of the sentence to make it work?

[RainbowTheAlbinoServal]

Resubmitted with edits

(also the Goddess is actually that albino at the top of my scroll, all dragon call her that story-wise. She owns my scroll but she is not really that special, just a single caretaker.

[Earth Gurl]

Oh wow! I didn't realize they COULD be edited after approval. That's awesome. Thank you.

Well, I figure with such an extensive backlog, people would probably be very annoyed if they waited 4 years to get their description approved only to have it mod rejected for commas. So I go through the already finished breeds if I see them pop up.

 

inb4 another hundred descriptions pop up overnight like the past couple of days.

Edited April 9, 2017 by Earth Gurl

[Laura-Borealis]

Well, I appreciate your hard work, and thanks for the approval. My description in question isn't the Great Galsreim Novel, but it's better now that I don't have the adjective "various" three times in two sentences.

[Syiren]

Well, I appreciate your hard work, and thanks for the approval.

Same here. With 39 pages of dragons its easy to forget which dragon I wrote descriptions for and when I do I try to check them for any updates. My falconiform's needed to be tweaked, which I did last night. This morning I look back and her description has been approved. You are one amazing hard worker.