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Is there anyone who could help me rewrite this description?

 

At first glance, one can almost think that this hatchling is dead. Upon taking a closer look though, you can see it opening its eyes and slowly turning its head to your direction. As you step closer, it remains motionless, never taking its attention off you. It appears to be harmless and innocent, but do not let the exterior fool you - the moment you turn away, it jumps to its feet and belying its fragile appearance it lunges after you. Fortunately, it's rather slow and you can get away from it easily. The last thing you hear before its voice fades into the distance is "I SEE YOU MONKEY!"

 

It got rejected because second person is not allowed in descriptions unless it is a "general" you. I have trouble writing in English as it's not my native language. I'd appreciate any help. smile.gif

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Is there anyone who could help me rewrite this description?

 

 

 

It got rejected because second person is not allowed in descriptions unless it is a "general" you. I have trouble writing in English as it's not my native language. I'd appreciate any help.  smile.gif

There are a couple of things you could do:

 

1. Replace all the you's with one's (except the part where it is spoken). However this is a clunky way of doing it I feel, because you can't follow this rule to the letter. If you decide on this method read your text aloud as you fix it, some of your you's will become one, others them. Your yours should become one's mostly.

 

2. Rewrite it by explaining the hatchlings mannerisms (when he/she/it meets someone knew they do creepy thing/bounce around/etc.) and make sure that you stay away from the word you as much as you can.

 

 

Those would be the two things I would suggest.

Edited by brairtrainer

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Is there anyone who could help me rewrite this description?

 

 

 

It got rejected because second person is not allowed in descriptions unless it is a "general" you. I have trouble writing in English as it's not my native language. I'd appreciate any help. smile.gif

This descrip and the way it is written "forces" the reader into a certain position (quasi-roleplay), which is not allowed. You would need to rewrite it in third person by describing/naming the person that encounters the hatchling, you could go for:

 

When Mox the magician stumbled into a dark cave one day, he found a young hatchling inside. At first glance, he could almost think that this hatchling was dead. Upon taking a closer look though, he could see it opening its eyes and slowly turning its head towards him. As he stepped closer, it remained motionless, never taking its attention off him...

 

And so on (in this case you'd need to rewrite the whole thing in past tense to have consistency. (Very few stores are written in present tense.)

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Reviewathon has started! Come join us in descripdoom or here in the thread and talk about reviewing and waiting anxiously for the new release (hopefully)!

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Thank you for your help, brairtrainer and herk! happy.gif

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Any idea why some descriptions tend to get tons of reviews, while others that were submitted the same day only get one or so?

 

I'm sure it has something to do with the way the system is randomized, but it's still odd.

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Any idea why some descriptions tend to get tons of reviews, while others that were submitted the same day only get one or so?

 

I'm sure it has something to do with the way the system is randomized, but it's still odd.

I don't know. But what I guess was that the time when you submitted the descriptions there were many people reviewing by coincidence. I can't remember the exact time - 15 or 30 min perhaps. Within that time the submitted descriptions will show first. Then they are mixed with former ones.

 

That's just my thought.

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Alrighty, so as some of you may know I was on a reviewing hiatus for the summer so I haven't done anything. But, I can finally start reviewing again! Might not be able to catch back up on the entire queue the way I like to be, or at least in any reasonable time, but I'll certainly try. x3

 

I'll start again very soon. *brews tea to fortify herself against the queue*

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Im back to review! :3 I'm now taking the form of "Cat" in the comments of the descriptions.

 

Lets do this!

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Whoop, so I can claim T again? tongue.gif I'll stick with DT.

 

Anyway, curious: how do you folks treat frozen hatchlings in your descriptions? Are they eternally frozen or still growing? The only way to describe a baby/adolescent is by freezing, so when I write about them, I consider them growing unless I say otherwise.

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Whoop, so I can claim T again? tongue.gif I'll stick with DT.

 

Anyway, curious: how do you folks treat frozen hatchlings in your descriptions? Are they eternally frozen or still growing? The only way to describe a baby/adolescent is by freezing, so when I write about them, I consider them growing unless I say otherwise.

Same here. Frozen hatchlings are just young ones unless stated otherwise (although I have quite a few "officially" frozen ones for various reasons).

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I treat them as frozen but I don't reject anyone who says they're growing.

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Can I steal DSL as an ending mark? c;

 

Also, MORE REVIEWING. Yay.

 

And made 2 more descriptions.

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I'm now taking the form of "Cat" in the comments of the descriptions.

Can I steal DSL as an ending mark? c;

Sure, no problem. Both signatures are now duly noted in the 2nd post. :3

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Can I officially have ~SB as an ending mark? Im trying to review more descriptions and that's what I use.

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Can I officially have ~SB as an ending mark?

~MessengerDragon, ~Messenger or ~MD are all me.

Yep, you both are now added to the list as well. smile.gif

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I'm quoting TJ here since some of you may not spend much time in the S/R forum but this is relevant to our work:

 

Source

There are some changes to the description system in the pipeline (which will probably end up with their own Preview topic), though, so I'll revisit the length limit as I work on those.

 

Probably gonna be a long time before anything really gets done, considering how much other stuff is going on atm, but still! o3o

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So I can expect to see our description Mod now<3

 

Btw, I remember there's a short list of who can be poked to approve your description but now I can't find it. Has it been deleted?

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So I can expect to see our description Mod now<3

 

Btw, I remember there's a short list of who can be poked to approve your description but now I can't find it. Has it been deleted?

It would be in the description guidelines thread in help if that helps you to find it.

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So I can expect to see our description Mod now<3

 

Btw, I remember there's a short list of who can be poked to approve your description but now I can't find it. Has it been deleted?

It has been deleted a while ago...

 

I only really remember Ruby from that list as she is my default-pokable mod and I'm relatively sure that Sock wouldn't mind a poke by a descripdoomer (although she took herself of that list officially before it went away altogether).

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It has been deleted a while ago...

 

I only really remember Ruby from that list as she is my default-pokable mod and I'm relatively sure that Sock wouldn't mind a poke by a descripdoomer (although she took herself of that list officially before it went away altogether).

Thanks for that info. <3

 

And here's another question... How long will the newly submitted dragons' descriptions appear at first before they queue up with those previous ones? Myon may have told me once but I forgot.

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And here's another question... How long will the newly submitted dragons' descriptions appear at first before they queue up with those previous ones? Myon may have told me once but I forgot.

They're immediately added to the same queue as everything else. If you're asking how long it will be until it gets kinda buried by other descriptions submitted after it... Eh, maybe a few days? It really depends on how many other people describe their dragons that day.

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I'm really sorry, I've been so busy with RL things to do that I had no time to review.. but anyways, I'll try to see if there's time (and try to bump this thread from time to time to make more people see it, and perhaps join in the review dry.gif )

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