Description Force!

[Ansela Jonla]

Luminati is a dragon that is very beautiful and elegant dragon, but may be lethal at the same time, hurting her may cause her to use her staff, which is a very lethal weapon and can kill humans and some dragons, though this is not often because Luminati is a very friendly dragons, and heal cuts from others and herself, which makes her very strong, as she is not powerful enough to heal the dead. She uses her powers wisely, her best friend is a friend named Emcitement who raised this from a child and grew a special bond, this is a dragon that is helpful, gleeful, and non-lethal (with the exception of being hit, which then she comes lethal, but still) this elegant dragon is nothing to be messed with, but is easy to become friends with Luminati.

 

I didn't even know where to start with giving advice on this one. I ended up just mentioning the run-on sentences and leaving it at that.

[Herk]

I didn't even know where to start with giving advice on this one. I ended up just mentioning the run-on sentences and leaving it at that.

Usually if I see something that needs this much work, I refer the writer to this thread so they can get an in-depth correction (or to contact me via pm) because sometimes the comment space just isn't enough.

[Denwayasha]

*waves shyly* That little Whovian Nilia is mine. *blush* I was inspired by her lineage, and I tried to keep the reference recognizable but at the same time fitting to DC. But maybe I went a lot little overboard. Oopsie... Most of my other reference descriptions are a bit more subtle than that one is. lol Glad to know it's alright, though, it was really fun to write and see just how many references I could fit in and still have it make sense. :3

[Lagie]

Ooh, that lineage is neat! I hadn't even looked at it.

[Syiren]

Aaaand, unrelated to the above stuff... remember that Sunstone hatchling that Herk and Brair somehow made me freeze and describe back at Easter? Since we seemed to be in need of a thread mascot based on the avatar. Well, I finally got that description approved! So here's Toesocks, whose name I only recently realized was a pun on "Theodore". Well, that's what happens when Herk names things. *goes to OP to add him*

Ohhhh~ He's such a cutie. I was never really into Sunstones but they may start to grow on me.

 

 

Oh my gosh, Guys, I'm sorry I haven't been reviewing as much as I should. So much is going on in my personal life that by the time I actually get into the right mindset to review my brain pretty much turns to mush. I'll try to start reviewing again on Monday. That is, if tomorrow's chores don't completely wipe me out like they did today. I just want to curl up in bed and sleep for a month.

[Lagie]

Useful grammar link! Edited June 22, 2014 by Lagie

[Dimar]

Thanks for the link, Lagie. The part about "Everyday/Every day" is really helpful for me actually, as that's something that I was struggling to find a definitive conclusion on even with Google's help.

 

That reminds me, I might as well throw in my own link about writing character descriptions. I showed it to Herk and she promptly wrote a set of 5 parody descriptions based on the tips (and they were hilarious!), but it might be nice for anyone to read if interested. I just like browsing that site's articles and thought this was relevant.

[pinkgothic]

Useful grammar link!

Regarding the 'quotations' aspect, I believe the remark about commas and periods might be a bit US-centric (see this article, for example: "Now, keep in mind that this comma and period inside the quotation marks business is strictly American usage.").

 

A very useful link, though! To me, it helps less with a grammar check, itself, and far more with the part where I can't put a finger on what is wrong with it and couldn't explain it if my life depended on it. Tacit knowledge is evil. Thank you!

[Shelybear]

Personally, it sounds a bit odd to me to say she chose healing magic "as her major". I know that you mean that like a college major, which is fine in theory but seems weird unless you specify she was at a university or something to give it context. Or choose a different word like "career" instead of "major". You don't have to change that; it was just something that stuck out to me.

So maybe change it into "she decided to specialise/specialize in healing magic". Not sure if it sounds native but that's what I'm able to do so far.

 

Useful grammar link!

 

Thank you Lagie. I bookmarked it.<3

Edited June 22, 2014 by Shelybear

[Lagie]

You're all welcome! (I bookmarked it, too.)

 

And thanks, Dimar. That page is also helpful! *bookmarks*

 

Hmm, a real-life sample of a missing comma!

 

"I love watching you cook Jessa."

 

vs

 

"I love watching you cook, Jessa."

 

[Aniusia483]

I need descriptions for 6 of my legendary trio dragons(these are 1 couple per species) and GoNs(I got 1 so far, I'll grow it into an adult).

 

They are connected to sth characteristic to my scroll: 5 dragons per breed: a same-breed adult couple and 3 frozen hatchlings from them; and to the fact GoNs differ because of the limit of 3 and not PBing/breeding true(while they can breed with other breeds). Also to the fact that love rules my dragons(and they love within their breed).

 

Because it's medival times in DC, and medival times are famous of strong faith to god, I assumed TJ is believed to be a god of DC world, at least by dragons. Not even mentioning he has godlike powers to DC.

 

 

DESCRIPTIONS:

 

Magma, Thunder and Ice (one couple per breed=6dragons sharing this description):

The three legendary couples got power to summon three Guardians of Nature. However they had no idea about the consequences summoning a Guardian'd have to them. When they finally succeeded in summoning, the Guardian they brought to this world cried bitterly that they'd irreversibly torn his family apart. They unintentionally separated him from his beloved wife and three of their children. Because the family consisted of five members, two of them couldn't get to this world unless the god, known as TJ, changed his mind and allowed five guardians to live together. But it wasn't the end of the bane they put the summoned dragon into. The god made it impossible for two Guardians to breed together, which means the Guardian couple they summoned are unable to make love together anymore. Unable to bear the grief they caused, the three legendary couples, trying to summon the rest of the family, pray to the god in hope to fix their mistake and make the god let the Guardian family be happy again.

 

 

GoNs:

Virtus483, the male(already summoned):

Virtus got irreversibly summoned from his idyllic world and therefore torn apart from his family: wife and three children they have together. Because the god of the world Virtus got stuck into, known as TJ, fears of the power of guardians of nature, he made it impossible for two guardians to breed together or for more than 3 guardians to live together. Because of that, Virtus is not able to either make love with his beloved wife anymore nor to take care of all of their children. Two of them are to remain orphaned if nothing in this world will improve. Virtus misses his family and the intimate moments he could share with his beloved wife and the magic of love spreading from their connection that the god is so afraid of that he cast a preclusive spell forbidding two guardians to even get close to each other. In grief, Virtus desperately prays to the god of this world in hope to melt his heart and have all of his family and happiness back.

 

Virtua483, the female(she'll be summoned 2nd):

Virtua got irreversibly summoned from her idyllic world and therefore torn apart from her three children she has with her husband Virtus. Because the god of the world Virtua got stuck into, known as TJ, fears of the power of guardians of nature, he made it impossible for two guardians to breed together or for more than 3 guardians to live together. Because of that, Virtua is not able to either make love with her beloved husband anymore nor to take care of all of their children. Two of them are to remain orphaned if nothing in this world will improve. She misses her family and the intimate moments she could share with her beloved husband and the magic of love spreading from their connection that the god is so afraid of that he cast a preclusive spell forbidding two guardians to even get close to each other. In grief, Virtua desperately prays to the god of this world in hope to melt his heart and have all of her family and happiness back.

 

Virtu483 Draffectionborn, supposed to be thier child(to be summoned after both parents are(would be bred if GoNs could breed true), will be a frozen ungendered hatchling)

Virtu, the youngest child of Virtus and Virtua, misses its older brother and sister, who can't be summoned from the world of Guardians of Nature and live together with their family. Virtu can't understand why its family has been torn apart and why it can't see its siblings anymore. Virtu can see its parents shedding tears everytime they look at Virtu. In its forever youthful soul it is an enormously deep scar that can't be healed by time. Virtu asks the mysterious god to bring its brother and sister to their family so they could play together again under the watchful eyes of their parents, to have its family full and happy as it was in the world of Guardians.

 

These are to explain why my GoN couple can't breed, how it's painful to them, and why their children(it's possible to summon just one due to the limit of 3) are not lineaged to their parents(GoN can't breed true) and why only one of them is with its parents; it's also a manifest the limit needs to be increased to 5 and that GoNs should breed true or at least have other summoned GoNs somehow lineaged to them. For DC goals and reasonable background.

 

 

English is not my motherlanguage.

I also need to include the info abotu my GoNs in relation to my scroll goal.

 

 

 

Edits log:

1st: Dimar's suggestions applied (almost all)

2nd: someone who rejected trio's description: 'But' changed to 'however' but due to character limit I had to change 'powers to summon' into 'power to summon'

(in the meantime I deleted the description from 5/6 of the to be described trios - It's a pain to edit all of them everythime^^

3rd: I got a rejection for ice couple becuase ;it's the same fo ALL my trios' which is not true - it's only about ONE couple of each tiro species, I also have 9 trio hatchlings and summon-helpers who will not get this description. It's a description specific to only these 6 individuals, because they are main representatives of trios who are responsible for GoN summoning. This SIX MUST share this description...

4th Ansela Jonla's: 'will' changed to 'would' (form: 'd)

5th Dimar's: applied (waiting to see if I'd have to remove 'irreversobly' becuase of character limit)

I got a vote: 'Abstain: Not gonna happen, sorry' - my answer to this is: the more the description is necessary!

I got a vote 'Abstain' for 'bane' - I looked at the page and I think that's what I meant(sth destructive to one's life - in mental sense these are)

6th Lagie's applied

Edited June 25, 2014 by Aniusia483

[Dimar]

Regarding grammar and spelling, they look good overall. There's just a few things that I'd point out for each one. (Of course, on principle I dislike copying and pasting the same description or nearly-the-same for multiple dragons. It's not really individual. But these wouldn't be Rejectable for that, I don't think. They do give a lot of backstory and thoughts from your dragons.)

 

On the Trio description, that last sentence should open with "Unable to bear the grief they caused...". Saying "Couldn't" is incorrect grammar for that sentence.

 

For Virtus' and Virtua's descriptions, I would put a sentence break like: "....magic of love spreading from their connection. The god is so afraid of that he cast a preclusive spell..." Otherwise it's a run-on.

 

In Virtu's description, it should be "shedding tears", not "sheding tears". I would also say "forever youthful soul" as it sounds nicer than "child" and works better with an adjective. Also, I would suggest saying "that can't be healed by time" since it sounds better, though I'm not sure if it's even technically wrong the way it is now.

 

Finally for Virtu, I would slightly edit the last sentence like this:

Virtu asks the mysterious god to bring his brother and sister to their family so they could play together again under the watchful eyes of their parents, to have its family full and happy as it was in the world of Guardians.

 

-edit: Sorry, I reread your description and realized I had made a mistake about the Trio description. I deleted that bit, my bad.

Edited June 23, 2014 by Dimar

[Aniusia483]

Regarding grammar and spelling, they look good overall. There's just a few things that I'd point out for each one. (Of course, on principle I dislike copying and pasting the same description or nearly-the-same for multiple dragons. It's not really individual. But these wouldn't be Rejectable for that, I don't think. They do give a lot of backstory and thoughts from your dragons.)

 

On the Trio description, that last sentence should open with "Unable to bear the grief they caused...". Saying "Couldn't" is incorrect grammar for that sentence.

 

For Virtus' and Virtua's descriptions, I would put a sentence break like: "....magic of love spreading from their connection. The god is so afraid of that he cast a preclusive spell..." Otherwise it's a run-on.

 

In Virtu's description, it should be "shedding tears", not "sheding tears". I would also say "forever youthful soul" as it sounds nicer than "child" and works better with an adjective. Also, I would suggest saying "that can't be healed by time" since it sounds better, though I'm not sure if it's even technically wrong the way it is now.

 

Finally for Virtu, I would slightly edit the last sentence like this:

 

 

-edit: Sorry, I reread your description and realized I had made a mistake about the Trio description. I deleted that bit, my bad.

Thank you^^

 

"magic of love spreading from their connection. The god is so afraid of that he cast a preclusive spell"

 

Hm, I'm afraid my sentence is confusing. I meant: God is afraid of magic that appears when GoNs breed, and he is so afraid of that magical power that he casted a spell somewhen in the past. Obviously GoNs are not made not breeding true because of Virtus and Virtua in particular^^ They just suffer the consequences of general GoN.

The corrected version, if I understand well, assumes that the god was afraid of love of Virtus and Virtua in particular, and when they got summoned, the god casted this spell. Which is not true^^;

 

I'm wondering, maybe there should be a comma?

magic of love spreading from their connection the god is so afraid of, that he cast a preclusive spell

Or maybe everything should be somehow rephrased so it means what it's supposed to mean?

 

As for Virtu's pronoun:

May I use 'it', right? It's an ungendered, so...^^;

 

'child' was used to underline this draggie will be a little child forever. Reffering to the age of a S1 hatchling. I changed it now, but maybe there is another way to underline that^^

 

 

 

I think I applied everything besides the sentence break, I put a comma instead, at least for the meantime. ^^

[Ansela Jonla]

But they had no idea about the consequences summoning a Guardian will have to them.

 

Personally I'd say "would" instead of "will" in that sentence.

[Aniusia483]

Personally I'd say "would" instead of "will" in that sentence.

Thank you... Um I got out of character limit, this description is exactly 1000 characters... would the abbreviation ''d' do?

[Ansela Jonla]

It'd keep the tense consistent through the description.

[Dimar]

Hm, I'm afraid my sentence is confusing. I meant: God is afraid of magic that appears when GoNs breed, and he is so afraid of that magical power that he casted a spell somewhen in the past. Obviously GoNs are not made not breeding true because of Virtus and Virtua in particular^^ They just suffer the consequences of general GoN.

The corrected version, if I understand well, assumes that the god was afraid of love of Virtus and Virtua in particular, and when they got summoned, the god casted this spell. Which is not true^^;

 

I'm wondering, maybe there should be a comma?

 

Or maybe everything should be somehow rephrased so it means what it's supposed to mean?

Ah, I see what you mean now. Hmm, that sentence seems trickier but I think a comma will work. To make it clearer, this might help:

Virtus misses his family and the intimate moments he could share with his beloved wife and the magic of love spreading from their connection that the god is so afraid of, that he cast a preclusive spell forbidding two guardians to even get close to each other.

Now, the reason I changed the first word to the dragon's full name is because otherwise it sounded like Virtus was the one casting the spell. Now I hope that "he cast" seems to connect to "the god" better. But maybe that's just me reading things weirdly.

 

As for Virtu's pronoun:

May I use 'it', right? It's an ungendered, so...^^;

 

'child' was used to underline this draggie will be a little child forever. Reffering to the age of a S1 hatchling. I changed it now, but maybe there is another way to underline that^^

Yes, of course. "It" is totally fine, I just accidentally said "his" in my edit because I was a derp. I know what you meant by saying "child", but I still like how "youthful" sounds and it's clear he's a frozen hatchling anyway.

 

I agree with Ansela Jonla. You might have to delete a word elsewhere to fit it, like "irreversibly" in the third sentence. You explain later how the whole family couldn't be together, so it's still clear that it's irreversible without having to exactly say it.

Edited June 23, 2014 by Dimar

[Shelybear]

Thank you... Um I got out of character limit, this description is exactly 1000 characters... would the abbreviation ''d' do?

I personally don't think so...I'd keep 'will' if change leads to over limit. But apparently I'm not good at grammar, so let them (Dimar, herk, Lagie or someone else) tell you.

[Ansela Jonla]

Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken  Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken  Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken  Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken  Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken chicken  Chicken chicken chicken Chicken chicken CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN!.

 

Ummmm...

[Sheriziya]

I need descriptions for 6 of my legendary trio dragons(these are 1 couple per species) and GoNs(I got 1 so far, I'll grow it into an adult).

 

They are connected to sth characteristic to my scroll: 5 dragons per breed: a same-breed adult couple and 3 frozen hatchlings from them; and to the fact GoNs differ because of the limit of 3 and not PBing/breeding true(while they can breed with other breeds). Also to the fact that love rules my dragons(and they love within their breed).

 

Because it's medival times in DC, and medival times are famous of strong faith to god, I assumed TJ is believed to be a god of DC world, at least by dragons. Not even mentioning he has godlike powers to DC.

I like this reference. I think I actually called him DC's GOD someday. If you look at it from a certain... Point of view he really is the GOD of DC:

Game

Owner &

Developer

 

As for the descriptions, personally I wouldn't use the (almost) the same description for 2 dragons, let alone 6. On that I agree with Dimar.

The only thing I really read about the legendary dragons is how they all feel. I can imagine the feelings of one dragon might differ a bit from the other (usually females are more emotional than males, etc). You could also tell something about how they might use breed specific power to display their anger about the griefing results of their summoning. If I'd feel that way, I'd certainly show my anger....

 

As for the Male and female Guardian, the only thing that's different is the gender related words. Nothing else. Here again, I feel you could do more with their individual character. Again, females and males usually act very different, in the human world as well as in the animal kingdom, so why not the dragons? And they can channel the forces of fire, ice and lightning. I can only begin to imagine what display of anger you can do with those three forces combined in one dragon....

 

But... that's just my personal opinion. I have rejected descriptions which were exactly the same as other dragons exactly for that reason. But others (may) feel different about that.

 

Good luck & have fun!

[Shelybear]

Ummmm...

*ROFL* I would reject it with 'say something else other than chicken'.

[Aniusia483]

I like this reference. I think I actually called him DC's GOD someday. If you look at it from a certain... Point of view he really is the GOD of DC:

Game

Owner &

Developer

 

As for the descriptions, personally I wouldn't use the (almost) the same description for 2 dragons, let alone 6. On that I agree with Dimar.

The only thing I really read about the legendary dragons is how they all feel. I can imagine the feelings of one dragon might differ a bit from the other (usually females are more emotional than males, etc). You could also tell something about how they might use breed specific power to display their anger about the griefing results of their summoning. If I'd feel that way, I'd certainly show my anger....

 

As for the Male and female Guardian, the only thing that's different is the gender related words. Nothing else. Here again, I feel you could do more with their individual character. Again, females and males usually act very different, in the human world as well as in the animal kingdom, so why not the dragons? And they can channel the forces of fire, ice and lightning. I can only begin to imagine what display of anger you can do with those three forces combined in one dragon....

 

But... that's just my personal opinion. I have rejected descriptions which were exactly the same as other dragons exactly for that reason. But others (may) feel different about that.

 

Good luck & have fun!

The load of emotion and aggression in relation too gender is a stereotype. I have a partner (in hetero relationship) and I can say male can be more emotional than females and females more aggressive than males I wouldn't made them differ that way...

All 6 main summoners of mine ruined a happy, loving GoN family by summoning one of them(later on: 3) to the world with hurtful limitations put on GoNs. So they connected in summoning at least the wife and the youngest child and praying to TJ to change the restrictions he put on all summoned GoNs. It's about cooperating.^^ Not about differing between one another. But the entire situation makes the 6 unique on DC^^

 

I have a shared description approved already, it's for pink couple. ^^ These also underline what my goal is;)

Basically, both pinks or the main 3 couples of trios, do the same for the cave they live in(my scroll), that's why I feel it's okay for them to share descriptions.

I wanted the descriptions to differ my dragons from the cave, not necessairly from each other^^

BTW I really hope I'll be able to remove these descriptions in the future... I mean I hope TJ will somewhen change the limit to at least 5 and maybe even let GoNs breed true. If e.g only the limit will be changed, the issue would be about the couple unable to breed together after getting summoned to the world of DC from the GoN world^^;

[Syiren]

*ROFL* I would reject it with 'say something else other than chicken'.

I wonder if it's related to the Death Metal song where the only word repeated over and over is 'Coffee'.

 

 

On another note. I finally got some reviewing in tonight. After about a month of simply 'not feeling up to it' I found this one to be quite amusing.

 

Bob Guy is...unusual, and not just his name! He used to rule the skies, and boil the water, but than a WaterHorse came and made a fool out of him. Now he gets kicked, and shamed by ALL other dragons. The water horse is really the problem, she gets on land when he's asleep, and just kicks him...

[Lagie]

Aww, poor Bob! I hope you suggested they change than to then!

 

Oh, and Aniusia483? Please don't add that comma you were asking about earlier.

[Dimar]

Oh, and Aniusia483? Please don't add that comma you were asking about earlier.

Lagie knows more about grammar and punctuation than I do, so yes please defer to her suggestions over mine! :3

Edited June 24, 2014 by Dimar