The Calling

[makenziec123]

((I'm not really sure what I'm doing with Talibah yet. Right now she's freaking out because she keeps getting closer and closer to the gates and doesn't want to go across yet. But~ If Jacen meets Talibah and convinces her to come through the gates with him, then Hannalea would fight against both of them at once. She always tries to be as efficient as possible.))

[makenziec123]

Talibah wandered through the narrow city streets, pulling out her coin purse to see how much money she had on her.

 

She examined the small coins, deciding that she had just enough to go and enjoy a small meal at her favorite little café, which isn't terribly far from the gate.

 

Stepping inside, the dark skinned woman walked up to the owner and quietly asked for a table, and a glass of her favorite tea.

[Narath]

((OOC: The post I am wanted to make is going to be too short, so I'm just going to edit it into my previous one.

 

Maybe you should PM everyone that we have started. It doesn't look like anyone has noticed yet.))

[Sylviinael]

((Psst Mac you forgot to Add my Caller Charie.))

 

Vonagae hisses through her sharp teeth, flapping her wings and leaping onto a Boulder and bellowing a howl, her furry head huge compared to her some what interesting features. The are grunts and growls as the other Puzzle Horrors start to emerge from their "homes". "Well..... What are you waiting for!!!" She growls, clawing the boulder, and crouching. "Have you seen any of those magic wielders?" She flicks her wolfish ears before raising her tail she stings the closest human puzzler. She leaps into the air and flaps her wings hard soaring off into the sky, her scaly body writhing with worms.

[Obscure_Trash]

Looks like you had a really good start for crit!

 

The people had lived in the valley of Ventixe for generations, though some of them, craving diversity and adventure, spread out further across the island, creating religions and settlements of their own.

 

out further across -> out across

 

Now fitted with different values and strong suits, everything was peaceful for several hundred years.

 

Fitted with different strong suits? What about "Now fitted with different values and skill sets" or "Now fitted with different values and strengths" or something?

 

That is, until the "Horrors" appeared, slaughtering all who lived in Ventixe, leaving the once beautiful emerald grass and dark crimson.

 

grass and -> grass a

 

The villagers never stood a chance against these gruesome monsters, lacking souls and bringing with them a lust for blood.

 

This kind of makes it seem like the villagers have no soul and a lust for blood.

 

"The villagers never stood a chance against these gruesome monsters, who lacked souls and brought with them a lust for blood."

 

This valley became known as the "birthplace" of all Horrors, and thus it is now most often called The Valley of Horrors.

 

Birthplace doesn't need to be in quotation marks.

 

They range from awful nightmares that can harm your physical body with a mere gesture, to towering, ghastly looking giant beasts, and still more jigsaw-like puzzles of different animal parts sewn together with some unknown invisible string.

 

No comma after gesture.

 

ghastly looking -> ghastly-looking

 

beasts, and still more -> beasts and even

 

jigsaw-like puzzles is a little redundant. I would do something like "jigsaw-like with different animal parts [...]".

 

Some even barred resemblance to ghosts!

 

Watch changing tense.

 

barred -> bear

 

They were almost like giant viruses, who always went for the kill.

 

No comma.

 

The Horrors then spread to the land of the Vornapals, masters of magic; Light, Dark, and other Elemental practices.

 

Colon instead of a semi-colon.

 

So they can control light and dark or does light and dark mean good/bad?

 

But hope was not raised.

 

Why not?

 

There seemed to be no end to the Horrors. They just kept coming and coming, as if some dark pit elsewhere were spitting them out in pure spite.

 

in pure -> from pure

 

Blood shed continued like a terrible rain, and the three peoples of Ventixe were loosing population at mass rates.

 

Bloodshed is one word. I like the metaphor, though!

 

loosing population -> losing people

 

Loosing would be loosing your shoelaces or letting loose the hounds of Hell. ;3

 

These dragons would wait an eternity for their Callers, obeying their every command without question once they were found and fully Awakened, hence the slang word Companion was created.

 

This is suddenly in past tense.

 

would wait -> will wait

were found -> are found

 

they can only communicate with other dragons or with it's Caller.

 

it's = it is

So it would be "its" here, but it really should be "with their Caller."

 

Once a Caller arrives at the mountain, they will be tested and trialed,

 

trialed -> tried

 

What are the tests and trials like? Or will people not be RP'ing this so it's not important?

 

You just might be one of The Called, riding and fighting alongside your dragon against the Horrors, or using your dragon's magic to amplify your own as a support and healer.

 

No comma after Horrors.

 

As a support and healer? Using your magic as a support and healer? The wording isn't quite consistent here but I'm not quite sure what you're going for so I'm not quite sure to to offer as a correction.

 

Or you could be a Horror, terrorizing the citizens of Xpaurel mercilessly with your ferocious powers

 

Missing a period.

 

a Gift is a unique ability that only one dragon has, ex they can make themselves invisible at will, can teleport, etc.

 

Capitalized the "a" at the beginning.

 

ex -> ex.

 

and a Caller cannot change their Companions Gift.

 

Companions -> Companion's

 

Vornapals are the main magic wielders on Xpaurel, and can use many different attacks and/or support moves.

 

No comma.

 

So what is a support move? o3o

 

They stalk their prey for hours, tormenting it by leaving small, painful cuts all over it's body, but they move so quickly that generally the victims think they're being attacked by a ghost.

 

it's = it is

 

over it's body -> over its body

 

that generally the victims -> that the victims generally

 

They final blow is usually long after the victim has suffered severe blood-loss.

 

They final -> The final

 

(no powerplaying people. Dragons can fly and all of them can breathe fire. if you get too big they will hunt your Giant down first probably.)

 

Capitalize no. Delete people. Capitalize if in the third sentence. You in the third sentence should be clarified: If you play a Giant and become too big, you will probably be among the first hunted down.

 

The body snatcher is sort of like really really bad ghost, and is the rarest form of Horror.

 

No comma after ghost.

 

really really -> really, really

 

You capitalized Giant, so I would say either lowercase that or capitalize Body Snatcher.

 

Usually they are created when a very powerful or highly respected and ranking Horror's body is destroyed, but something remains behind (like a soul, but Horrors are too evil to have those.).

 

Uh, if not a soul, then what? o_O Or is that just an example because nobody actually knows what remains behind?

 

No period inside the parentheses.

 

That something tortures people in their dreams, driving them insane until their minds are so weak that the Horror can easily take over that person's body, thereby ((thereby is one word)) becoming one of the Taken.

 

them insane -> them to insanity

 

You can delete ((thereby is one word)), lol.

 

If there are no living beings around, or if the living person being tortured doesn't lose his/her sanity within a week

 

No comma after around.

 

though there is always a way around that depending on the Demon.

 

Comma after that.

 

People who have gone insane and have had their bodies taken over by Body Snatchers, or corpses

 

No comma.

 

For any other questions please PM me

 

Needs a period.

 

The term "Awakened" or "Awakening" means an egg that is being hatched because their Caller has finally arrived.

 

that is being hatched -> that hatches

 

No Gary/Mary Sues

 

It's a Gary Stu, not a Gary Sue. ^^

 

Username:

Character name:

Appearance/Species: (Caller or Horror)

Age: (If Horror, you're probably a couple hundred years old at the least)

Companion: (if Horror, do not fill in)

Companion's Ability: (If Horror, do not fill in)

Birthplace: (If Horror, you must be from Ventixe/ Valley of Horrors)

Magic: (Not necessary to fill in unless your character is from Vornapal)

History: (optional)

Other: (optional)

Love interest/Mate:

 

You have a stray there! Also, perhaps put this in code tags?

 

~

 

I'll read through the NPC's later. If this is too much crit in one post, let me know so I can separate it!

[makenziec123]

((Sylv, you never sent me back a PM of her sheet after I told you it was missing something And I'll get right on those edits thank you so much!))

Edited November 9, 2013 by makenziec123

[Sylviinael]

((OOOOOHHHHHHHH, I'm Sorry What did it need editing -has slept since then-))

[Psycho Cat]

((In the Elemental section, aren't Earth and Metal the same? I mean, in my experiances the only time they were seperate was in Pokemon, and really, that has a type for everything.))

[Narath]

((OOC: Are you referring to the automatons? Yes, they are made of metal, but half of how they work is not by magic. Think of the magic placed in them as the power source, as the battery, and everything they do is enabled by their mechanics and how they are built.))

[Psycho Cat]

((I have no idea what you're talking about ^-^' Mak is refering to people who can weild Metal magic, and I thought that was too similar to Earth Magic, not... whatever you're talking about))

[Narath]

((OOC: Sorry, wrong RP. *starts hitting head against wall*))

[makenziec123]

((Well, I put metal because it can also come in the form of asteroids :3 but I mean if you guys think I should switch it so that metal and earth are the same I'm all for it. And what RP is the auotmatons Narath? Sounds kinda interesting ))

[Narath]

((OOC: This one. My character is the only one with automatons though.))

[Obscure_Trash]

It seems like you edited, so going to go ahead and throw more crit at you. For future reference, it really helps me if you specifically tell me once you've finished editing. xP

 

Btw, I'm not using OoC parentheses since I'm assuming you'll want crit posts cleaned, but would you prefer I use the parentheses?

 

~

 

(Birhtplace being in quotations because Horrors are not "born" so much as they just seem to multiply.)

 

Misspelled birthplace here.

 

(Although I still stand by it not needing to be in quotation marks. One of the definitions of birthplace is: the place where something started or originated.)

 

The Horrors then spread to the land of the Vornapals, masters of magic; Light, Dark, and other Elemental practices(Light and Dark meaning they can use healing magic as well as curses).

 

Missing a space. Colon instead of a semi-colon.

 

Ex; if one of your team mates needs to be able to run faster then you can cast a spell that will help them run faster, or if they need more strength then you can make them stronger for a brief period, etc.

 

Colon instead of a semi-colon after ex.

 

Ex they can summon a quiver full of light arrows and a light bow, but how many arrows and how long the light bow lasts depends on how much magical energy you have.

 

Since you used punctuation after your last example, this ex. should also have a colon after it.

 

Dark magicians are better at close range combat- short swords, daggers, occasionally a battle axe or something of the sort.

 

Space before the dash as well.

 

Same goes for air; don't go trying to suck all the oxygen out of the world, because you can't do that.

 

No comma after world.

 

Curses, demon summonings(Although this is usually forbidden because sometimes a Demon Horror will appear), and general dark magic stuff.

 

Missing a space and have an incorrect capitalization.

 

Curses, demon summonings (although this is usually forbidden because sometimes a Demon Horror will appear), and general dark magic stuff.

 

(No powerplaying. Dragons can fly and all of them can breathe fire. If you decide to be a Giant and become too big, you will probably be hunted down first, as you are one of the biggest threats. (literally ))

 

(No powerplaying. Dragons can fly and all of them can breathe fire. If you decide to be a Giant and become too big, you will probably be hunted down first, as you are one of the biggest threats (literally ).)

 

Character sheets:

 

When I said to put this in code tags, I meant so people could copy'pasta the bolding/coding you used so they didn't have to put it in themselves. Just replace quote in brackets with code. You get something like this:

 

[i]Username:[/i]
[b]Name:[/b]

 

etc. Then people can easily copy without having to quote your post to find the coding you used. ^^

 

He is the head honcho of any and all Giants, and smells like a giant pile of decaying flesh because that's exactly what he is.

 

No comma.

 

Although Body Snatchers don't generally have a set government or hierarchy, Gibraltr is believed to be the leader because he is the most powerful Body Snatcher to ever have been discovered- able to switch from one body to another as easily as one might crush an ant.

 

Comma instead of a dash.

 

Being able to control both at once makes him a deadly opponent, as the Caller is a skilled dual-wielding swordsman, and the Hellhorse is, well... a Hellhorse.

 

You started with a commathetical so you should end with a commathetical.

 

Being able to control both at once makes him a deadly opponent, as the Caller is a skilled dual-wielding swordsman, and the Hellhorse is, well, a Hellhorse.

 

Like that.

 

The queen of The Slasher Horrors. Because these Horrors are pretty much the "assassins" of the Horror world, the other classes of Horrors often come to her to get help in attacking other classes or extremely large groups of Caller armies.

 

Since you said "pretty much" you don't need to put "assassins" in quotation marks. The quotation marks are basically implied.

 

She is the most powerful and deadly of all Horrors in existence, having learned all of her magic skills from Nalati (the Xpaurel equivalent of Merlin).

 

No comma.

 

The Puzzles for example; they do more damage without a leader barking orders at them.

 

Colon instead of a semi-colon.

 

~

 

After this I'll do one more quick read through and you're a go for approval. Will you want crit posts cleaned? :3

[makenziec123]

((Sorry about that ^^' I forgot to say I had finished editing. It's getting a little late for me though, so I'll do these edits tomorrow if that's alright. And you don't have to use the parenthesis if you don't want to. I mostly just use them out of habit at this point ))

[Psycho Cat]

You know, instead of metal, why not a Nature element? For shamans and such.

[makenziec123]

Wouldn't that be the same as earth though? You know, earth, plants, etc.?

[Psycho Cat]

I suppose. I thought you meant earth as in dirt'n'stuff. In that case, thunder element would also work. Water, Thunder, and Fire seem to be a pretty common trio, and if there's five there's usually Earth and Air, too.

[makenziec123]

Hmm... that's a good idea... Maybe we should take a vote on which element everyone thinks we should have?

 

And also, I don't mind if you leave the crits or not, whatever is easier for you

[Narath]

Well, technically all magic is the same magic. When you grow a plant, is that earth, air, or water magic? It requires all to grow. When you make mud, is that water or earth?

[makenziec123]

Good point.. okay. Should I just add all of them? You really can't have one without the other in most cases with the elements.

[Narath]

By the way, I just got that from a series called 'the secrets if the immortal Nicholas Flamel."

Just didn't want to plagurise.

Fun fact: Nicholas Flamel actually existed, and was known as the most famous alchemist who ever existed.

[Psycho Cat]

We should just have an 'elements' section. That way we can just avoid any controversy at all.

[makenziec123]

Alright, I guess that'd probably be best. Thanks guys

 

that sounds pretty cool @Narath

 

Also, does anybody know how to make a banner?

[Psycho Cat]

I would love to. I made the PokeWarriors banner and all of the TDIO banners.