A Matter of Life and Death: 'IT'S NOT A BLOB!'

[Shadlok]

This came to begin when frostmourne and I met in a roleplay in which her character, Death, befriended a human who was unknowingly Life. We were talking on an irc channel when we started to imagine how Life and Death would bicker as a couple, from that was spawned the idea of this thread. c:

Death’s speech will be in gray, and Life’s in purple.

 

Once upon a time....

 

Before humans had come out of their caves, Life and Death have been embroiled in quite the love-hate relationship. Their constant bickering and planet shattering temper tantrums were mistaken as evolution and natural selection.

“Natural selection? I just hated those dinosaurs.”

“MY DINOSAURS WERE WONDERFUL, YOU JERK!”

This is a brief transcript of the squabbles that shaped the world as we know it. We ask that you turn off all your brain cells, sit back, and enjoy the show. Feel free to comment, and ask Life and Death questions. Also, please do not poke Death with a stick.

“POKE HIM WITH A STICK!”

“Quiet, I think our microphones were on.”

FOR PETE’S SAKE, SHUT UP! The show’s starting! *The curtain rises*

 

"I want to see other people."

"Sweetheart, maybe you haven't noticed, but there are no OTHER people. Unless you like single celled organisms."

 

"Did you just throw a meteor at the planet? I worked hard on those dinosaurs!"

"They bit me!"

"THEY'RE DINOSAURS!”

"Your dinosaurs were mean."

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"

"Your dinosaurs were ugly!"

"YOU'RE UGLY!” *Cold shoulder*

"You're giving me the cold shoulder? I'll show you a cold shoulder!" *Starts Ice Age. Mass extinction ensues*

"WHAT'S WITH ALL THE ICE?!?!?"

”It’s called an Ice Age, love.”

"Fine, I'll make monkey people!"

"Your monkey people are stupid!"

"You're stupid!"

*Another Ice Age rolls in*

 

"What are the monkeys doing in caves? This was a terrible idea!" 

"Shut up! They're brilliant!"

"They throw poop at each other!"

”Now, who does that remind me of?”

 

"Well, looks like you stayed a total moron when the rest of the world evolved, huh?!"

"You shut your mouth! Making the fish that looked like a blob was your idea!"

"IT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE A BLOB. IT IS AN ELEGANT SEA CREATURE.”

"Face it, sweetie. That's a blob."

"YOU'RE A BLOB!"

"I AM AN ELEGANT SEA CREATURE."

"You can't even swim!"

"Neither can the blob!"

"IT'S NOT A BLOB!"

"IT'S A BLOB! IT'LL BE A BLOBFISH!"

"You're a jerk!"

"And it's a blobfish."

"IT'S NOT A BLOB!"

"You're in denial. That thing is totally a blob. OF FAT!"

"It's not fat!”

 

"You think you're such a womanizer, being around these women!"

"Maybe I am."

"Should I tell them about the time that you screamed when I gave the monkey people spears?"

"I HAD AN ARROW IN MY SKULL!"

"I'll give you an arrow in your skull!" *Scuffle*

[AmyLuthien]

Brilliant! But I've got a question . . . which one is responsible for the platypus??

[Shadlok]

That jerk distracted me when I was trying out a new type of beaver! It's not my fault! And then he couldn't stop laughing at it. He's so horrible! *Offers a pointy stick to whoever wants one.*

[Neji-ran]

And whats your excuse for the echidna exactly?

[frostmourne]

Oh, no. That one is ALL on her! I thought you were trying to make a hedgehog! What were you thinking when you gave it that snout?

[Shadlok]

How dare you?! My echidna's have nothing wrong with them!! THEY'RE CUTE, DANG IT.

[frostmourne]

Even their name sounds funny! Like enchiladas! Like spiky, ant-eating, enchiladas that you can't eat! And when they curl up, they look like cactuses!

 

"YOU! Stop messing with my monkey people!"

"Make me."

"Maybe I will."

Narrator: STOP FLIRTING ONSTAGE!

"Oh, shut it you hairless ape."

Narrator: GET A ROOM!

[Shadlok]

Well EXCUSE me! I thought you'd be flattered! I modeled their noses after looking at yours.

[frostmourne]

I was a skeleton when you made then! I didn't even HAVE a nose! I wish I could give those things mucocutaneous leishmaniasis. At least then they wouldn't have those pointy things you say are noses.

[nicknick88]

Death, why did you kill my friend's grandpa last year?

[frostmourne]

Because everything has its time. If nothing ended, nothing would ever begin. I am Life's greatest agent of change. I sweep out the old and bring in the new, and I will one day sweep away you, too. Remember your mortality, and behave how you want to be remembered as. Live everyday like your last, for one day, it most certainly will be.

[CrypticAsterisk]

Life, I'll admit, most of your creations are breathtaking. However, there is one in particular that ticks me off...

 

 

Why? Why did you create this plant? It grows everywhere down here in the south, and if you touch it, you get the worst itch and- AGH IT'S ACTING UP AGAIN. *wildly scratching at the ivy*

[Skellybones]

What form did you take before humans came around? O.o

[Shadlok]

I will admit, sometimes I question these things myself. Originally, it was something to do. Something to annoy Deathy. *Slaps Drako's hand away* No scratching!!

 

I've always kept a human form. Death took the form of ugly. :3

 

[RWyvern]

Explain why on earth rats, some of the most loving, adorable creatures ever when raised as pets, are so destructive and harmful in the wild? The black and brown rats in particular, and it only serves to make more and more people hate them whatever the species.

[frostmourne]

Oi, I just take the form of whatever's currently on the top of the food chain. I didn't like being a monkey until you silly things FINALLY started towards civilization. And the rats are Life's fault. She hardwires two things into each and every organism. Survive and reproduce. We only get a problem when they do them too well, and I have to step in.

In other words, whenever she screws up, I GET A MOUNTAIN OF WORK. AND CORPSES.

Narrator: Quiet down. Next question!

 

"The apes in that bit of land over there are threatening to throw stuff at the apes on that other bit of land."

"What? WHAT? This is terrible! They could wipe each other out."

"Really?"

"DON'T ENCOURAGE THEM! DON-"

"Hey look! There's a little girl! Hi, what's your name?"

"....War, ."

"Aww, the widdle kiddy has homicidal tendencies. Isn't she adorable?"

[LibbyLishly]

So this is hysterical.

 

Ahem. A question. What are your thoughts on the definition of the Circle of Life as given by the Lion King?

[Shadlok]

So this is hysterical.

 

Ahem. A question. What are your thoughts on the definition of the Circle of Life as given by the Lion King?

I LOVED THAT FILM!! I MADE DEATHY WATCH IT A THOUSAND TIMES IN A ROW ONCE!

 

He just said it must be because I was round. ;n; (Circle of life~~~)

He's a right jerk.

 

*Starts singing the soundtrack*

Edited August 15, 2013 by Angel of the Inferno

[frostmourne]

Not again....Whose idea was it to do Hamlet with lions anyway? Besides, all lions really do is sleep. All they do is sleep for 20 hours a day. What's so majestic about that?

[Shadlok]

Sounds a lot like you. But you think you're pretty awesome.

 

And you wonder where the term "Lazy bones" comes from.

 

No matter. GRIMMY, LET'S GO AND WATCH THE LION KING!! 8D

 

*Drags Death off and sings along with the songs.*

[CrypticAsterisk]

What do you think of artificial life? Y'know, like robots and androids.

[dustpuppy]

( This is too funny.)

 

So, we've briefly seen little girl War. Where are Famine and Pestilence?

[Lemniscate]

Wheee! I'm pestilence in the rp!

Edit: stupid aoputo correct

Edited August 20, 2013 by Silverphoenixx

[Mousia]

And I'm Famine!

 

Anyhow...

 

Who is the more sadistic among you? Because I often consider Life to be much more the sadist than Grimmy.

[Lemniscate]

Who made penguins? I love them! They're so cute and fat and probably squishy.