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SarWildDog

Age Gaps in Relationships

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I am 8 years older than my husband, and we have been together for almost 10 years.

 

We met when he was 18 and I was 26. I thought he was older than me when we first met. He had just got off of work, was in a suit (he did Network Security and Protocol design for a large communications company), only to find out the age difference on our first date (and I kept saying, "This is not a date! This is not a date!"). Yeah, well... the rest is history. We lived together for 5 years before getting married.

 

It works for us. He was/is very mature for his age. He was also the first guy I had /ever/ dated who my father approved of.

 

So, in conclusion, I think it depends on the people. Age is jut a number, and maturity does not always go with it.

Edited by Dracarys

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The older you are the less the age gap matters.

I couldn't agree more, and I think it's actually true.

But for some reason I can't fall in love with a guy who is younger than me, or even my age. xd.png I always fall for guys who are older than me, mostly five years older. Looks like they're just my type. tongue.gif

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my mum's age gap was 10 years from my stepfather, who recenlly passed away.

 

I believe my sister in laws have a 20 and a 20+ year age gap from their husbands.

 

From my observations (spouse and I are a year apart) is the age gap in older people is meaningless. Both parties are mature, both parties are in love and it really doesn't matter.

 

The SIL in Japan is married to a man and they are both high level Karate Masters - shared interests I think is why they are so close.

 

SIL in England, the couple have been together for a good few years, they got married roughly this time last year. And to be honest, the affection these people have for each other is true and its definitely not about money or other shallow things.

 

In younger people, I have met some attractive nice young men, but they are, in my mind far too young for me to say anything other "Whoever your partner is, I tell you, they're gonna be a very lucky person" because these people are nice and above their years with manners.

 

The younger you are, the smaller the gap generally is and the older, the wider it becomes and is acceptable. No one would say to my SIL that "you know when you were a baby he was 20"

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As long as everyone is happy, it should be okay. Unless one person is a minor. But yeah, I think it's not a big deal how old each person is.

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My boyfriend and I are 11 years apart, he is older. We have been together for 12 years. We started talking when I was 17 met when I was 18. When I was younger he got dirty looks when we were out but I don't see that as much now. Once when he was in the hospital and I was visiting a nurse asked if I was his daughter. That was funny. Age doesn't matter to me, and I don't care what others do. I was never one to go out to the bar or to party or whatever, and he had already gotten that out of his system so it worked out for us. As long as it's working out for the two people involved what I think doesn't matter. I'm not going to judge them.

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Age doesn't matter so much when you are older because the life of a 30 year old isn't that much different from the life of a 40 year old. Both are probably moved out and have jobs. It's a lot different from a 15 year old and a 25 year old. Same gap, but likely very different places in life. It's hard to bond with someone who is complaining about a couple hours of homework when you are worried about your mortgage and just got off a 12 hour shift.

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I think the age gap makes less of a difference as you get older.

 

For example, a 10 and a 20 year old, to practically everyone, would seem incredibly wrong.

A 30 and a 40 year old? That's fine.

 

When I was younger I used to think that 2 years was the perfect age gap. I thought when I was older I would only ever get boyfriends that were 2 year older than me.

 

But now my boyfriend is around 8 months older than me and sometimes it feels so weird. Haha.

 

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I think a 10 year gap is the limit before it starts getting weird, but there are exceptions.

A 20 year gap is cringeworthy.

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Like many other people have said, it depends on the ages of the people.

 

Personally, I feel like someone who's more than 2 years under 20 should not be in a relationship with someone who's 20 or older. (And I say 2 years because of school - if a 16 year old and an 18 year old were dating when the older one graduated and they kept up a relationship, then I honestly think they should try to keep it up, because if you can do that I applaud you.) Otherwise, I'd say as long as it's not over 25 years apart, it's cool, but over 25 is just... weird.

 

A teenager in a relationship with someone over 20 (and I mean a younger teenager, not someone who's 18 or 19 - think more like 15) is not good. The teenager could be easily manipulated, and things could just go so wrong.

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Another on the train of "it matters less as you get older"

 

I'm 16 and my boyfriend turned 22 a few days ago. That's a 6 year gap. Questionable by quite a few(including myself and my friends at first) but not bad. Now, if I were dating a 10 year old, still a 6 year gap, that would be very strange to almost everyone I know. And of course, if we were still dating or even married in ten years, no one's going to bat an eye at a 26 year old and a 32 year old. *shrug*

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Now, if I were dating a 10 year old, still a 6 year gap, that would be very strange to almost everyone I know.

I'd argue that that'd be far more than strange - it'd be downright pedophilia in my mind.

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Biggest age gap for me at the time... He was 27... I was 19

Edited by Rachel72

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I think a lot of it depends on the individuals. I do think that if there is much of an age difference both people at least need to be of legal age to avoid the statutory issues. I have dated guys 5-6 years younger than me and guys 6 years older. I'm 39 now.

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Well, I've never dated, but I do not think I would date a guy any more than 9 years older, or 5 years younger than myself. That's just me. *shrug*

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I honestly don't care as long as it isn't something like a 50 year old dating a teen. That is just...creepy.

Plus, some guys think weirldy, and lure and seduce young girls and run. Even as a guy, I have to watch out on the streets. Better to stay at least somewhat close in age groups.

 

Then again, hormones never reacted in that way, so I have no idea on this whole romance thing xd.png

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I do think that if there is much of an age difference both people at least need to be of legal age to avoid the statutory issues.

Or those people could just not have sex until they both are legal age. "Relationship" does not always immediately mean that the people in it are having sex.

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I try to apply the "half plus eight" rule in evaluating whether a relationship is appropriate. (and yes, I think that that rule means that people shouldn't be seriously dating until they are at least 16, and I have no problem with this.) So, a 36 year old (half is 18) shouldn't date anyone younger than about 26. A 56 year old (half is 28) shouldn't date anyone younger than 36. It prevents a lot of your generation gap issues organically.

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I try to apply the "half plus eight" rule in evaluating whether a relationship is appropriate. (and yes, I think that that rule means that people shouldn't be seriously dating until they are at least 16, and I have no problem with this.) So, a 36 year old (half is 18) shouldn't date anyone younger than about 26. A 56 year old (half is 28) shouldn't date anyone younger than 36. It prevents a lot of your generation gap issues organically.

Interesting ... I like this

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Interesting ... I like this

I have used it for years, I don't remember exactly where I heard about it, I think probably when I was in the navy half a lifetime ago. It seems just so sensible.

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I think that's a good guideline, but it doesn't necessarily apply to everyone.

 

Personally, I think people are more likely to have happy relationships if they're around the same age, but it's still possible for people of greatly different ages to be happy together.

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I have used it for years, I don't remember exactly where I heard about it, I think probably when I was in the navy half a lifetime ago. It seems just so sensible.

Xkcd included it; not sure whether they came up with it or took it over from somewhere.

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Or those people could just not have sex until they both are legal age. "Relationship" does not always immediately mean that the people in it are having sex.

 

 

Maybe not but normally there is some sort of physical relationship. And it depends on what the laws are where you live. A teacher of mine once said statutory rape is very hard to prove because the parents of the under-aged individual can try to prosecute for it but unless the under-aged individual confesses to a sexual relationship it won't really hold much weight.

Edited by blackmagicrose

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I see nothing wrong with age gaps, but the bigger it gets the more harder it may likely be to handle. Ten years doesn't seem like that big of a deal at all. (But that may just be because I tend to look at guys that much older than me all the time.)

 

My only problem is that anyone 20 years or younger should not be dating with anything over a 5 year gap. Anyone under 17 probably 2-3 year gap, but preferably none. Mostly for legal reasons.

 

It also has to do with the fact that the older party could try to manipulate the younger one or the relationship could become seriously unbalanced. My BIGGEST fear is for anyone younger than 17 because of the maturity issue. What if the older party is decent and not manipulative? The younger could still have a feeling of being more mature than they really are and find themselves in a situation they were never ready to deal with, even though they thought they were. (The same age groups have this problem already...) There are so many factors that could make it potentially dangerous for anyone younger that I wouldn't want to risk it unless it was purely platonic(which is hard for me to believe).

 

That is actually why I have abstained from any relationships because I feel too young and vulnerable to being manipulated. Maybe if everyone I liked were the same age as I am I wouldn't be bothered, but they're all almost ten years older. Just because I am physically old enough does not mean I am mentally prepared for such a thing. And that can go for a lot of people, not just me. :/

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Or those people could just not have sex until they both are legal age. "Relationship" does not always immediately mean that the people in it are having sex.

Plenty of people have romantic but not sexual relationships, even adults of legal age.

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Two angles I'm seeing here, and thinking of myself:

1: Older man=more maturity. Good thing. If you're OK with the age gap, and so is he, this is fine. But be aware that he will likely have vastly different interests than you do. Especially as those interests change over time.

 

2: You will be turning 50 when he is retiring, and you'll still have a good 15 years on your working career while he's getting antsy to travel the world and enjoy retirement. When you hit 65 and are ready to retire, he'll be 80 and slowing WAY down, while you'll be ready to go see the world and get going on retirement. You'll spend your golden years taking care of him and watching him go downhill while you're still active and (somewhat) energetic.

 

Now, #2 isn't guaranteed to be the case. (neither is #1 for that matter) but being with a man of such a significant age difference should be strongly contemplated before you jump in. You're 19. Most people don't get married and settle down until they're closer to 25 or 30 anymore. Is he a great guy? It sounds like it. Is he "The One?" There's no way I, or anyone on here could know that. My advice is to take it slow and keep you mind open. There are a lot of long term potential 'down sides' to consider. And if this is going to be for life, then you cannot be too picky about the one with whom you will spend your whole life. Choose wisely, or there will certainly be heart-break in your near future.

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