Age Gaps in Relationships

[SarWildDog]

I didn't see a topic like this, so I thought I would start one.

I've never been interested in dating, finding the men of my age group to be too immature for my taste. I recently discovered that I have a thing for older men, and for the past three months I've been in a relationship with a wonderful man. However, for several reasons, I haven't been able to tell my parents yet. My mother is very old fashioned and went on and on about a guy I had a crush on being too old for me, when the age gap was only five years. I dread to tell her that I'm in a serious relationship with a man fifteen years older than me.

 

I feel, that if both parties are of age and no one is being manipulated, I don't see age gaps being an issue. I was nineteen and was a year independent when I first started talking to him. I've found that having honest and open communication with him is much easier than any guy my age.

 

I'm continuously surprised at how many people aren't bothered by it, but more so by WHO is. It's definitely an eye opener.

[Shienvien]

In part, it depends on how old both parties are - how far apart their physical stage of development is. 15 and 20 is somewhat questionable; 20 and 30 is perfectly good. For people aged 20+, I find that an age gap of up to twenty years should not be an issue. More than that, and you'll have a scenario where one is already aging while the other is still in one's prime.

[Natayah]

I'm continuously surprised at how many people aren't bothered by it, but more so by WHO is. It's definitely an eye opener.

20 year difference between me and my SO. Been together 20 years. It works because we work it and make it work. But it certainly has its own challenges and there are actually books out there on the subject. I do recommend reading up on it because things do change and it has its own set of special demands. But I wouldn't trade it for the world

 

BTW QFT. I do not speak to any childhood family or friends because they all decided I was going to burn in hell for marrying someone _older_. Heaven forbid if I had actually married someone of my own gender, a different race or who had a robotic arm. I had people who hadn't spoken to me in over a year suddenly contacting me from all over the US (and people who I had been glad to lose as old high school friends) so deeply concerned for me.

 

Lesson for parents who actually care: If you really care about your child and think someone they are with may be harmful, you don't cut them off to "teach them a lesson". If you do that and they really need help, they won't reach out to you and may stay in a dangerous situation out of spite. This was not me but geez.... Of course, again, this is assuming you are parents who care. But I was amazed at the way "liberated" people freaked out, how often I was pulled over as a potential brain washed child abductee, and how outraged and disgusted the general public was.

 

I mean everyone is ok with 45-95 year olds dating 25-75 year olds. In many age groups not only did this used to be common, but still is. Honestly, I think many people are now more offended by seeing a younger and older person together than a same gender couple. Not to downplay the suffering gender lifestyle choices, but I still have people far more outraged at the idea of my current SO than by the fact I would be ok with dating men and women.

 

And yes there are aging and health issues, and yes you should discuss these openly with your SO. People think its morbid sometimes that I discuss the fact that I will likely outlive my SO as, barring a freak accident, they are likely to die before I do. I find this to be a very healthy dose of reality that means when things happen, I am prepared and know I am ok to continue on and what life and health decisions they have chosen so I can carry them out, and that I am ok with doing these.

 

That is the biggest thing you need to be honest about. And you may not need to talk about it right away, but it does need to come up. Because the world is not very friendly to people who may need medical assistance but you are healthy and young. They would split you and assist them but not you. Why is this such a touchy subject?

[shadowgrr]

My oppinion is that it depends of the age

1)In an age of two non-adults or one adult and one non-adult the ideal is 2 years gap (3-4 the most then there are problems)

2)In an age of 18 to 30 I think it can usually work up to 6 years difference (there are exceptions off course)

3) up of these ages the gap isn't a problem, but I don't think I like to see an old man of 80 years old with a girl of 32 years old, I mean what common do they have to discuss.

Of course if it's not against the law anyone can do whatever he/she wants it doesn't concern me so it's not in my authority.

[brairtrainer]

I don't mind age gaps in relationships to a degree. As long as the younger person is not a minor(in most cases) and their is no sign of abuse from either party, we should not be the one to judge.

[MedievalMystic]

Whatever floats your boat. *shrug* Personally, I wouldn't ever want to get involved with anyone a whole lot older than I am because in the long run I don't want to end up as some much older man's care taker, simple as that. If a much older man dies before you do, consider yourself lucky. If he lingers, and becomes disabled with something like alzheimers or dementia, you're not in a relationship, you're in prison, possibly for endless years and years and years if he hasn't planned for the $6000-10,000 per month (in my area)for a nursing home or care facility ... No thanks. I can't think of anything worse.

[TikindiDragon]

5 years actually seems to be a pretty typical age gap to me. I know loads of people where the gap seems to be 3-6 years, and very few where both are the exact same age. In the adult world an 'age gap' like that is so normal it's not actually worth remarking on.

 

I know there's at least 10 years between my cousin and her husband. That only really presented difficulties when they had kids, as he was already well into his 50's before they turned 10. Even so, they've a strong relationship. 10 years? Not a problem.

 

Gaps bigger than that are a lot less common, it must be said. That doesn't mean I see anything wrong with it, though. If it makes people happy, I'm all for it.

 

I've been the guy in his early 20's, and I know what our maturity levels can be like. It's hardly suprising that most early 20's girls prefer men in their late 20's/early 30's!

[Nectaris]

I don't have a problem with age gaps necessarily. However, please don't confuse someone warning you that they are a scum bag with disapproval of age. My cousin has fallen into that trap, she has married someone significantly older than she is and is a horrible person, and not because of his age. She dismissed any criticism of him because of her defensiveness. Never mind that he is a drug dealer and hasn't worked a day in years(and she only works at minimum wage, which is not a salary fit to support three) who also refused to pay rent or leave to the point that her own mother had to sue him to get him evicted.

[Wahya]

Honestly, as long as you're an adult, don't put a lot of stock in what your parents think. It's your life to live, your heart to give. As long as he treats you well, that's all they should care about (though I know many get hung up on the unimportant stuff, like age). Not that it will be easy - my parents are about 13 years apart, but in the worst sort of way; my dad's an early baby boomer, my mother is at the end of the gap pushing into the 60's revolution. This causes issues, because he attributes her unwillingness to obey him in everything without question and her stubbornness to "feminism" when it's really just as she was coming along women were getting long overdue rights, as well as her just being herself (she's just a stubborn woman). He has a bad past with women though, which doesn't help. So you should consider political/major ideals/religious issues like that IF there are any, and try to work them out early. That really can be said of any couple, but the bigger the age gap the more polar these sorts of things seem to be.

 

Normally I too am into older gents, because they ARE so much mature than if they are your own age or younger However, I'm currently dating a guy about 5 years younger than myself. It's odd - I get teased a lot about robbing the cradle and being a cougar, though we're both in our 20's. Though I really don't mind - he's a great guy, and although in some ways he is sort of immature, for the most part he's well beyond his years.

 

Finally, be open and honest with your parents. Explain to them that this lad means so much to you, and that you've been successful communicating, planning a future (if you have), etc. If you show your parents that both of you are discussing the big stuff, they'll probably take the relationship more seriously. Again, not that you should let them have the final, or even a big part, of the say in this matter, but if they end up being his in-laws a good first impression will be very beneficial to a lasting relationship between the two of them and him.

Edited June 14, 2013 by Wahya

[Luckyclaw]

I live with my mother, and my mother has been dating a man for about five years who is about twenty years older than she is. Before the experience, I had no strong opinion on younger-older dating. I personally wouldn't do it since I didn't have much of an idea what it was like, but didn't look think twice of hearing it in passing. But ever since my mother started going out with this man, I have to say I will never be in a relationship with a man older than 10 years. It's probably just this one person since I never get this problem from men older than me by 20+ years, but the way he treats everyone has done a lot to turn me off to the idea.

 

He's one of those 'Old Economy Steve' types. I doubt he graduated high school, actually. When I talk about anything, he dismisses it as stupid ramblings of an ignorant new generation child. He yells at everyone in the house for being 'lazy' after we've finished all the work. He's a big bully towards me and my mother, and even when he insults and offends everyone around him he says that he 'demands' respect from people because he is older. Not just that, but he also complains about everything. I don't think I've ever seen a man over forty whine as much as this. It exists, and I know that there are relationships that work out just fine with people being older, and where both partners know they've found the right person for them, but after seeing this I could never do this for myself, even if the man was a truly good man. I would only be able to think of what I went through. I wish I could meet someone who has a good relationship with an older person, because I've never seen one and I don't want to be consumed by an experience and not be able to see the good side of it.

[SilveryKit]

Age gaps get smaller as the people get older. 15 and 20 is probably not good, but 20 and 25 is perfectly fine.

 

I've noticed that guys seem to mature more slowly than girls. My boyfriend is two years older than me.

[dark_kitsune]

19 year difference between me and my boyfriend (I'm the older one). We get along wonderfully...no issues at all. We are both consenting adults. As long as one party isn't under age, I don't see a problem with it at all.

[Shienvien]

I mean what common do they have to discuss.

This is a thing I do not consider a valid argument. It is just as possible to find someone thirty years older than oneself who you think is interesting and who you have a lot to talk about with as it is to find a person your own age with whom you can only talk about the weather.

 

And please - aimed at the general public - do not confuse personality/world-view mismatches for age-gap-related issues. Bigots and openminded folks alike can come from every generation.

Edited June 14, 2013 by Shienvien

[Ruins]

Well, my parents are about ten or so years apart- they did separate, but that was nothing to do with age- but my step-dad is only five years older and that's worked out... As for myself, I don't know. I've never dated before so I have no idea what I like or what works for me. *shrug*

[padfoot]

The "Guys mature slower than girls" thing is not always true. Every girl I have hung out with in the past year has been a few years older than me. I am that that age where it is hard to flirt with a girl because it is hard to tell if she is underage. I do not think it is ok to date some one younger than you when your over the age of 18. I could go the jail if I do that.

 

as you get older it doesn't matter anymore though. Older men or women and date as young as they want in my opinion.

[Shienvien]

I do not think it is ok to date some one younger than you when your over the age of 18.

Why not? Laws left aside, why would 16 and 19 be "not OK" if the people are a perfect match?

[SarWildDog]

Why not? Laws left aside, why would 16 and 19 be "not OK" if the people are a perfect match?

While I have my opinions on it, it's really a law thing. 16 is a bit young, and most people that age (that I have met) have been very naive and immature. It would be easy for someone older to take advantage of them. Granted, that can happen even after you are eighteen, but that restraint helps lessen the probability. It really comes down to the individual person.

And, it being against the law

[Ruins]

I dunno about the law bit- 16's legal where I am, which always makes these sorts of conversations very odd when people are getting up in arms about 17-21 years olds dating (or more). I just sit there and think "But... What?!". Culture, eh?

[Nectaris]

And would it be illegal for a 19 year old to simply DATE a 16 year old? I mean, in a non-physical relationship? It is possible you know, you can be in a non-physical romantic relationship with someone.

[MysticTiger]

I dunno about the law bit- 16's legal where I am, which always makes these sorts of conversations very odd when people are getting up in arms about 17-21 years olds dating (or more). I just sit there and think "But... What?!". Culture, eh?

Even in the United States, consent laws differ by state. Some states, 16 IS a Legal adult.

 

Personally, I have absolutely no problems with age gaps. The only issue I take with it is when a woman is clearly dating a man close to death for his money. I find that absolutely disgusting. Of course, in that situation, there's no love (except the love of money) so I guess it doesn't really count as a "relationship" per se.

 

Also, one of my favorite TV OTPs has an age gap, which is often brought up in the show. But, they're adorable and I love them so much. (See: Community- Jeff/Annie)

Edited June 15, 2013 by MysticTiger

[shadowgrr]

This is a thing I do not consider a valid argument. It is just as possible to find someone thirty years older than oneself who you think is interesting and who you have a lot to talk about with as it is to find a person your own age with whom you can only talk about the weather.

I didn't mean it only with this way. The maturity is different and when I mean maturity I don't mean knowledge but point of view. For example an old man sees the things more nostalgic and doesn't like changes a young one lives more for the present and there are more disagreements. The interestings might be common but the way of thinking is completely different.

[TikindiDragon]

I didn't mean it only with this way. The maturity is different and when I mean maturity I don't mean knowledge but point of view. For example an old man sees the things more nostalgic and doesn't like changes a young one lives more for the present and there are more disagreements. The interestings might be common but the way of thinking is completely different.

Not always. As it happens I have far more in common with people who are much older than me. Most of my friends are probably at least 20 years older than myself.

[Ladykyuubirose]

I have no problems with age difference unless the gap is above 50, then it gets kinda creepy. I learned from my parents that love doesn't look at age, they are 15 years apart and still going strong and I think my grandparents are 6 years apart, but men my age are just too silly, with all the swag and the yolo, well all except my sweetie were only a few months and he is much more mature then me in some areas but my good relationship is one that I can be my silly self in, no matter the age

[Nectaris]

Personally, I have absolutely no problems with age gaps. The only issue I take with it is when a woman is clearly dating a man close to death for his money. I find that absolutely disgusting. Of course, in that situation, there's no love (except the love of money) so I guess it doesn't really count as a "relationship" per se.

 

Or the opposite, where an older person is really looking for someone to take care of them.

 

While I am not against people dating people much older, it isn't something I think I would be likely to do. I have watched my grandparents when one was an invalid and it was so draining on their spouse, even though they still clearly loved each other. Also, I remember what it was like when my Grandmother came to live with us when her Alzheimer's was advanced. I just don't think I could put myself in a situation like that willingly.

Edited June 15, 2013 by Nectaris

[Princess Kiara]

From love's point of view, age does not exist. I am in love with a man thirteen years older than myself. I can only hope he feels the same way I do.