Posted March 25, 2013 Japan has Godzilla, but Texas has Chuck Norris. The universe expands because the stars believe this way will be safer from Chuck Norris. The only reason light moves so fast is because it heard Chuck Norris was coming. In the Beginning there was nothing, then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked that nothing and told it to get a life. Just like Santa, Chuck Norris has a list... But his list is people who are allowed to live and those who aren't. Chuck Norris' house is area 52. Not to be confused with the much less dangerous area 51. The only time Chuck Norris made a mistake was when he thought he made a mistake. Santa Claus stole Chuck Norris's song. It went like this... You better watch out You better not cry You better not pout I'm telling you why Chuck Norris is coming to town Chuck Norris is coming to town Chuck Norris is coming to town He's making a list, Checking it twice; Gonna find out who's been good or appears as frozen as ice. Chuck Norris is coming to town Chuck Norris is coming to town Chuck Norris is coming to town He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake He knows if you've been bad or good So be good for your own sake. With round house kicks And a beard as strong as bricks Chuck Norris is coming to town Chuck Norris is coming to town Chuck Norris is coming to town He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake He knows if you've been bad or good So be good for your own sake Your own sake You better watch out You better not cry You better not pout I'm telling you why Chuck Norris is coming to town Chuck Norris is coming to town Chuck Norris is coming Chuck Norris is coming Chuck Norris is coming to town (Coming to town) Chuck a busy man he has no time to play He's got ones of foes to slay (Chuck Norris is coming to town) (Coming to town) (Chuck Norris is coming to town) (Coming to town) ((Before you ask, the song was just made by me, but is from Santa Claus is coming to town. I just substituted Chuck Norris for Santa Claus and changes some lyrics.)) Share this post Link to post
Posted March 27, 2013 Chuck Norris can tough this...lol Chuck Norris smile onces brought a puppy back too life... Share this post Link to post
Posted March 28, 2013 Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris can speak braille. Fire escapes were invented to protect fire from Chuck Norris. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died. Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch. In his will, Chuck Norris has specified that if he dies, he will bury himself. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash. Share this post Link to post
Posted April 1, 2013 Chuck Norris uses a stunt double for crying scenes... Chuck Norris fists makes the speed of light wish it was faster... Share this post Link to post
Posted April 1, 2013 The UFOs sense the presence of Chuck Norris, that's why they never land. You don't find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris finds you Chuck Norris has a pet sasquatch When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Share this post Link to post
Posted April 4, 2013 Some magicians can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim through land. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. Chuck Norris threw a grenade. 50 people died. Then the grenade exploded. Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic. Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone. Chuck Norris died 20 years ago. Death hasn't had the courage to tell him yet. Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter. Death once had a Near-Chuck Norris experience. Share this post Link to post
Posted April 9, 2013 Chuck Norris can reenact every fight scene from TOP GUN with a kite... Share this post Link to post
Posted April 9, 2013 Chuck doesn't write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage. Chuck Norris's keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris. Share this post Link to post
Posted April 16, 2013 Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia. Fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic. Share this post Link to post
Posted April 16, 2013 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad he never cries. Share this post Link to post
Posted April 16, 2013 Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart is not nearly foolish enough to attack him. Share this post Link to post
Posted April 29, 2013 When we were looking for weapons of mass destrruction in the middle east we found out that Chuck Norris was just vacationing there... Share this post Link to post
Posted May 5, 2013 When Chuck Norris swings a sword at full health, he shoots lasers even further than Kirby does. And that, my friends, is hard to do. Share this post Link to post
Posted June 1, 2013 Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it exploded. Share this post Link to post
Posted June 6, 2013 When Chuck Norris wants hamburger, he throws a cow at a fence. Evolution is just a list of animals Chuck Norris allowed to live. When zombies bite humans, they turn into zombies. When zombies bite Chuck Norris, the zombies become Chuck Norris. Once, the most venomous snake bit Chuck Norris, then, 48 excruciating hours later, the snake died. Chuck Norris doesn't flush, he just scares the crap out of the toilet. Chuck Norris doesn't cut his grass, he just tells it not to grow. Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, death is just too afraid to tell him. Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan are just Chuck Norris in an Asian disguise. Share this post Link to post
Posted June 16, 2013 Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the earth and punch him srlf in the back of the head... Share this post Link to post
Posted June 18, 2013 ((WARNING: THIS IS A LONG LIST OF CHUCK NORRIS JOKES. YOU WERE WARNED. DON'T LET CHUCK NORRIS HAVE TO REPEAT THAT.)) In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick) Chuck Norris can divide by zero. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side. Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold. The Sherman tank was originally called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been bad-ass enough to be named after Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up. Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children. In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research. Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run. What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”. Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you. It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself. Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes. God said "Let there be life." and Chuck Norris said "Say please." Chuck Norris doesn't wear sun-screen. The sun wears Chuck-screen. Share this post Link to post
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