Hacked

[Obscure_Trash]

One big thing I did notice is that you need to fix your quotes. If a quotation ends in a period but you are adding dialogue tags, use a comma instead. Question marks and exclamation marks are not replaced by commas. In any of those cases, the descriptor should be lowercase, not uppercase. Here's a small sample:

 

“Sure we will.” A sly smile crept across the boy's face. He lifted his phone, it was a brand new phone; it was one of the ones with a thinner body and a large display.

 

“You'll need to sync it up. It's been a long time since you've used it.” The other boy replied.

 

“You do too!" He exclaimed. "I don't want to do all the work again like last time. You handle the lights, I'll handle the meeting.” The first boy added.

 

And here's how it should read:

 

“Sure we will." A sly smile crept across the boy's face. He lifted his phone, it was a brand new phone; it was one of the ones with a thinner body and a large display.

 

“You'll need to sync it up. It's been a long time since you've used it,” the other boy replied.

 

“You do too!" he exclaimed. "I don't want to do all the work again like last time. You handle the lights, I'll handle the meeting," the first boy added.

 

[Although I would argue that the first bit would sound better re-worded as: A sly smile crept across the boy's face. “Sure we will." ]

 

You also have a random semi-colon here: For example one could change the programmed properties of an entity, like a glass of water; to that of a glass of ice, without losing the appearance of a glass of water.

 

Otherwise, this roleplay looks pretty understandable to me, but as LL was the original approver, I'll leave final approving up to them.

 

I understand your complaints about wanting to speed the process up, but I'll note that for a large part of this, LL was re-taking her approver test, so she did have to be more thorough than she might normally be. ^^

[Danniphantom]

Yeah I'll work on that.

 

And I understand the original reasoning for it. I saw she was taking it, I didn't mind. But others might. I know how people can get sometimes... :/

[gistofeverything]

Poking my head in again~

 

This data can be accessed, after synchronization, via any number of electronic devices such as cell phones, to computers and tablets.

Commas around "after synchronization" are unnecessary, and as such need to be deleted.

"to" is an awkward word to use when listing a series of items. My suggestion would be to delete that, and make it a list like

a, b, and c

. Please note that this is only a suggestion and does not need to be followed.

 

That's all I see. I'd Approve after you read this and do what you will, but that decision is ultimately up to LoveLost.

[Danniphantom]

Bump and fixed.

[gistofeverything]

Delete the spaces between the sections and instead boldface and code the form.

 

 

 

Parent, if  Parent;

 

 

10 -> ten

State -> which state?

US -> United States

A -> It is a

In current times -> remove

city -> city,

Central -> central

Business and commercial buildings -> businesses, commercial buildings

there -> there,

the northern residential section and the southern residential section. -> the Northern and Southern Residential Sections.

 

There's some more to work on Let me know when you are finished.

Since it has been two weeks from the last critique, I'll take over.

 

There are no more pressing errors in this roleplay. Approved.

[Danniphantom]

((Yay! TY ))

[ChocolateIzzy]

((This too long? Trust me this is the LONGEST I have ever done! I never do them this long!!))

Toraz fell off her bed. "OUCH!" she exclaimed rubbing the bump on her head, where Toraz hit herself on the bed frame. Her mother came running to her door and opened it. "What's the matter?" Her mother, Catherine, saw that she was rubbing her head and laughed affectionately "Oh dear! You've fallen off your bed twice this week! Well now a third time! Haha! What have you been doing in your bed?" Catherine walked over to Toraz and hugged her and kissed her bump. "Mum! Leave me alone meanie!" Toraz shoved her and got up and straightened herself. "Oh stop this nonsense Toraz, and come down with me for breakfast!"

"Oh ok mum!" Toraz couldn't stay mad. She loved her mother more than anyone. Catherine kissed Toraz's head and Toraz followed her down for breakfast.

 

Her stepdad, Felix looked at her hair and said "Morning ruffle! How'd you sleep?"

"Terrible! I fell off my bed and now I have a lump!" Toraz points annoyingly to her bump. "What do you do at night? Sleep under the bed wake up and hit it!" He laughed and sat down at the table. Toraz followed him and sat asking "Mum whats for breakfast?"

"I hope you don't mind but chocolate waffles, bacon and eggs! Which one you want? Felix can have the other."

"I want waffles please!" Toraz said quickly.

"I'll have bacon and eggs yum!" Felix said looking at Toraz.

 

After breakfast Toraz brushed her teeth and changed out of her pyjamas and threw some denim shorts on, put on her favourite tiger shirt and stuffed her phone in her pocket. She put on her favourite blue sneakers, skidded down the stairs and kissed her mum goodbye and said seeya to Felix. "Hold it! Where do you think your going?"

Toraz halted. "Ummm, to the park."

"Then take a backpack with this nutella sandwich with some water!"

Toraz slapped her forehead. "I knew I was forgetting something!"

She ran upstairs and grabbed her red backpack. Toraz skidded down the stairs and threw the water bottle and sandwich in her backpack and raced out the door to the park thats a street away. Catherine sighed.

 

When she got to the park she laid down on the bench and waited for the person she had to meet.

Edited April 24, 2013 by ChocolateIzzy

[Danniphantom]

((It's semi-literate so on a post-to-post basis I would actually expect at least half of that, so it's not too long.))

 

((BTW I'll work on my bios tomorrow so I can jump in by tomorrow night.))

Edited April 24, 2013 by Danniphantom

[ChocolateIzzy]

((Cool ok. Also make a code so they've read the rules! And make a post limit!))

[ChocolateIzzy]

((Can I pull out? It is not as popular as I thought it would be...))

[Danniphantom]

((If you really want to. I haven't posted yet simply because I've been really busy. I can get my bio and post tonight if you want to wait, then I can start rping with you.))

 

Aaron sat on the train with his hand against his cheek and his elbow resting by the window. He was wearing some tattered denim shorts that ended just past his knees, he wore a black belt and a green and white striped shirt. Over that he wore a very light grey sleeveless hoodie with a zip up front which he wore unzipped. He ran his hand through his hair. He stood up as the train stopped. Time to get off. He hadn't been this far south in a long time. Not since he was much younger. He stepped off and adjusted his backpack, in which he kept a few of his computer components and of course his laptop. He made his way to the park where he saw Toraz laying on the bench. He remembered seeing her in his classes. She seemed well versed with programming, she might actually be able to help him. He walked over and stood above her. He looked her over quickly and blushed a bit before looking away. She was prettier than he remembered in this light. He ran a hand through his unnaturally white hair and turned back to her. "It's hard to sit when you're laying down like that, Toraz." He said.

Edited May 1, 2013 by Danniphantom

[Danniphantom]

((Bump))

[ChocolateIzzy]

((Oh ok ))

Toraz jumped. "Hey don't scare me like that!" Toraz laughed anyway. She sat up and moved over. "So your the person I have to meet? You look familiar! Wait! Don't tell me. Your in my classes! So why do I have to be here?" Toraz asked so innocently. She pushed her hair back and smiled and turned her head. Toraz was blushing.

[Danniphantom]

Aaron smiled and sat down. "Well, you didn't have to come. Ultimately you chose to. But yes, I was the one who put the note in your locker." Aaron said leaning back on the bench and resting his arm across the back rest. "You seem like an intelligent person, from what I've noticed in class. I thought it might benefit us to get to know each other." He explained further.

[ChocolateIzzy]

Toraz returned the smile. "I was suprised a cute- Err hehe um I was was surprised it was you!" Toraz blushed more. "Thank you. So Aaron... What are your hobbies, favourite shows... Favourite anythings?"

[Bates]

((Sorry this is soooo long. I got carried away lol))

 

"Do you have any idea how much power that would give us?" a man asked, pacing back and forth in a sharp suit, his hair slicked back and his eyes focused on the floor in front of him.

"Yes, Sir. But there IS the means of getting the device, Sir. My informants have told me that the source of this said 'access' is very limited," a woman responded, pushing her glasses up to her forehead with her middle finger.

"So we steal it, then. Keep things quiet."

"All due respect, Sir, but that simply wouldn't be possible. We have to have access given TO us. It's not just a device, Sir. It's getting into the system."

"So we offer money?"

"No, Sir. Supposedly the person who's got the access currently is well off."

"Then how do you propose we get access?"

"Very simply, Sir. This 'accessor' if you will, he attends the local high school."

"A high schooler? A mere child figured this out?"

"I believe sometimes the children have a better understanding of today's technology than we do, Sir. Anyhow, you have two children. The first is in college, roughly twenty-five, and he looks as if he could be older. The second, however..."

"Cesar? What good would he do?"

"I do believe if he 'attended' that high school and befriended the 'accessor' perhaps our 'accessor' would give him access."

"True enough. Are you saying that we re-enroll Cesar in a regular high school? He didn't even make it through high school the first time. What makes you think he'd do this for me?"

"I just have a hunch that if you asked him, he would, Sir. And besides, technology is that boy's passion."

"Alright. I suppose I'll ask him, then."

 

Cesar was sitting in his room, watching the smoke from his cigarette waft up to the ceiling and absentmindedly opening and closing his metal lighter. Occasionally he'd look back to his computer screen, scroll down and read the comments that were posted underneath the article he was reading. It was an admittedly interesting article, one about himself as the hacker "Caesar." Of course, no one knew that Caesar was actually just a different variation of spelling his name. They all just tacked it up to Julius Caesar. But the article was interesting, though it did tear him apart as a human being, said that his morals all came to being complete quack considering he was breaking the law just to put his own opinions everywhere. Therefore, anything he said had to be wrong. Which was, of course, completely ridiculous. But the comments were the most interesting. Some people railed on him, sure, but there were quite a few followers of his who defended him. Obviously these were the people who interested him. It was as he was looking and reading these that he turned as a knock resounded on his door.

"Come in," Cesar grunted, pushing himself away from his desk and turning in his chair to face his father who strode into the room with a rather disgusted look on his face.

"Did you vomit in here? It smells absolutely... rancid," Richard muttered, putting the back of his hand up to his mouth and coughing.

"Afraid not. That's just me, dear dad."

"Could you be any more revolting, honestly?

"Probably."

"Put that cigarette down. Honestly, that's such an... unfortunate hobby. Only the poor smoke those things. And there's a good reason why that is."

"Oh, because it doesn't matter if a few poor folk die? Right? Just so long as the holy businessmen are alive to make the rest of us miserable," Cesar snapped, standing up. He walked over to his father, took a long drag, and then exhaled the smoke in Richard's face. Holding the cigarette in between his pointer finger and his thumb, he seemed to consider it for a moment before letting go and dropping it on the ground. Richard quickly ground it out.

"I'm done attempting to be somewhat genial before getting down to business. You are a worthless fool, Cesar. But I'm going to need you to do something, and you will do it. You're going to go back to high school and befriend a kid, an 'accessor' if you will. You will get access to a device and to the essential programming of the world around us. Than you will give me access. Simple."

Cesar laughed, shaking his head. "Access to the programming of the world around us? As if. That's not even physically possible. Perhaps you need to go back to high school. We're not in a program. There is no way anyone is capable of that -and certainly not anyone in high school."

"Maybe so. But all I need you to do is to check it out."

"And go back to high school? No thanks. I was happy to get out of that when I did."

"What would I need to do in order to get you to do this for me? Anything at all, I'll do it."

"Alright, I'll do it. The sight of you begging is enough payment for me," he snorted, crossing his arms.

"First things first, though. You'll need to seem the part, Cesar. Cover up the dreadful tattoos on your arms and don't bother smoking. Remember, you're a senior in high school."

"Fine, fine. When am I going to have to start?"

"We're going to try and get you started in the next few days if possible."

"Alright. I'll start getting to work."

"Getting to work?"

"Research," Cesar sighed, rolling his eyes and pulling on a grey jacket that covered his arms. Brushing past Richard, he walked into his bathroom and looked in the mirror. Better remove the facial piercings, he supposed. Pulling out the metal studs from his eyebrow and lip, he put them on the bathroom counter and frowned. He had a few tattoos on his neck that were still visible. Walking back into his room, he picked up a red scarf and wrapped it around his neck. He supposed he should probably go get a shower before he went out, though.

 

Finally dressed to the point where none of his tattoos were visible and he looked fairly normal, Cesar went back into his room, grabbed his cell phone, and started down the stairs. He hated how big and tasteless this house was, but he didn't particularly feel like getting a job and getting his own place, so this was how it was. What was today? Some weekend day, he knew that. There weren't enough bright yellow hulking buses out and about for it to be a weekday. Saturday, perhaps? Sunday? That sounded about right. Probably best to go stalk some of the local high schools, talk to some kids. If there was a kid who was good with programming, he'd be the most likely candidate for being able to hack life's code, which was completely nonsense, but he might as well follow some leads so that he could prove to his old man that yes, he had actually tried and yes, he totally told him so. Where did high school kids hang out? He didn't really have friends back in high school, so he couldn't imagine where the kids actually liked to chill out. Some of them probably went clubbing, but lord knows that the ones that did certainly weren't the type to know who was or wasn't a super geek. The libraries, maybe? The local park, perhaps? It seemed the library was closer. He'd check there first.

 

The library was a large hulking building that cast heavy shadows on the ground outside it. Inside were probably a few local geek kids, geek kids who might even be good at programming themselves. But the ones who could really program were probably doing just that right now, so he didn't have hopes that were too high. Opening the large, heavy wooden doors, he stepped inside and looked up the several flights of stairs. The first floor seemed to be the children's section, so he'd go to the upper level. Taking the stairs two at a time, he kept his eyes out for anyone who seemed young enough to be in high school. He probably looked a little frightening, walking with such haste through the bookshelves, clearly not scanning for books. And finally he saw the perfect table: a few kids deeply entranced by the books they held in front of their faces.

 

"Hey. You guys go to the local high school, right?" he asked. The kids practically jumped, looking up at him with total confusion. They nodded, but looked at him warily, clearly wondering why on earth he was talking to them.

"Yeah," a girl said, setting down her book and look at him with a bored expression.

"Well I'm going to be going there soon, just transferred. I'm Cesar Le-"

"Cesar Levine. Yeah, we know who you are. I thought you took your GED and passed out of high school."

"No. That was Damian. I'm still in high school. Been going to a private school, but that didn't end up working out too well."

"I'd imagine."

"Anyway, I'm really into programming, and I was wondering if you knew anyone who was good at the stuff."

"Yeah. I know a few. Robby Abbot, Tiffany Brewer, Patty, Fletcher and that kid named Aaron. They're all pretty good."

"I'd like to learn a few things from someone. Who's the best out of them?"

"It's a lot more complicated than that, if you're really interested. They've all got their skills. But you're probably going to meet with Aaron or Robby."

"Thanks," he responded, smiling and leaving the table. "But, uh, you wouldn't happen to know where they live or are right now would you?"

"You're a freak, you know that? But Aaron does live close-ish to here and this is his and Robby's number. Just leave, okay? I'm trying to read."

Cesar took the number, smiled again, and walked down the stairs, exiting the library. Now he just had to find Aaron or Robby. Fingering the slip of paper that had their numbers written down on it, he chewed on his lip and looked around. He could call them, trace their phones to figure out where they were, or just try and stalk them to their houses. Tracing was probably the best bet, but he didn't have time like that right now. And he just didn't really want to. He'd just head to the coffee shop by the park and chill there for awhile. He'd already found out some good information so why not relax?

 

[ChocolateIzzy]

(WTF how can you soooo long!)

[Danniphantom]

((It's not too hard when you start writing in thorough detail. If you describe what is happening in the surroundings as well as feelings, thoughts and possibly memories of your character it suddenly becomes a lot easier to write longer posts. Writing an intro is also easier because you essentially have creative freedom with how you work your character into the world.))

 

Aaron smiled and looked out at the park. "Well, personally I like programming. Programming allows me to manipulate things exactly how I want it to be. In a virtual sense I can turn a rock into a statue with only a few lines of code. It makes me feel empowered a little." He said running his hand through his hair again, it often blew into his face with breezes and winds. He didn't mind, he would just sweep it out of the way and continue on with what he was doing. "I also enjoy inventing things. I live on the northern side so my parents are decently wealthy. They are able to provide me with blank circuit boards and chipsets and then I just go to work with creating something. It's pretty entertaining when you know the ins and outs. Sometimes I just play around and see what I can create or even what I can make simpler." He finished with a slight smile that crept across the gentle features of his face. "And what about you?" He asked turning his eyes to the girl next to him.

[PureDark006]

Download finished.

 

"Alright, I got it," Sid said, opening the file in his laptop. The familiar logo of the program greeted him, dark-blue eyes following the progress of the green in the white bar under it.

 

"I didn't go crazy with the details yet, but I have a couple ideas. There's this scorpion-spider insect we can base a design on for the swarms, too."

 

"No swarms. This is supposed to be subtle, not another one of those kill-everything-in-sight games that keep copying each other."

 

"Can we at least stick one or two in the outside? They're really creepy. Also I've started with the modeling already."

 

"Wasn't the outside covered in the demo?"

 

"Just the entrance."

 

"Ask Levy then. Hang on, I can't drink with this thing."

 

That said, he took off the large, black headset and set it on the table, to the right of his laptop. The voice of his sister was immediately replaced by the background noises of the coffee shop's outside area; talking people, walking people, a couple of cars. The black-haired teen enjoyed the breeze for a second and took a sip from the paper cup on his left, noting he'd have to order another one soon if he didn't want the hot chocolate to run out. Well, he didn't mind. Not only did the store had what was in his opinion the best chocolate in this part of the city, they also were pretty okay with letting people use the tables for long periods of time as long as they weren't too full. Just look at him; he had been sitting in one of the outside tables for nearly two hours and the workers hadn't bothered him yet. Tables for one weren't that demanded, though he guessed the three croissants and drink he had ordered when he arrived had helped. That, and the fact that Sid didn't look threatening. Just a normal 18-year-old, who today was dressed in worn-out white sneakers that were starting to look light gray, black pants with the silver cord of his headphones going from the right pocket to the inside of his plain white, long-sleeved T-shirt, and a black jacket that was dark grey on the sleeves, shoulders and sides, currently zipped closed.

 

Thinking about it, his headphones were hanging from his neck, so maybe he looked weird with those there while using the headset. And the long strand on his right that reached his chest contrasted with the rest of his short hair. Well, nothing he could do about those, so tough luck.

 

Leaving the nearly empty cup on its original place, next to the mouse, Sid put on the headset again, adjusted the microphone in front of his mouth, and started on his 'work'. He hid all the option bars of the 3D modeling program so he had the whole screen to examine the model, a kind of ten-legged spider with the head replaced by a human torso, complete with four arms that ended in three long, clawed fingers each, a distorted expression on its not-so-human face. Not as scary as it should be since there were no colors yet, so the whole abomination was of the metallic gray that characterized unfinished models. Humming to himself, he started rotating the creature, examining it from every angle.

[Danniphantom]

((Well I'm glad to see that this is becoming more popular. Though it would be nice to have more people. Given the lack of characters and my lack of an antagonist I'm not going to push to start any kind of plot yet. I will however make an OOC thread so we can discuss plots and ooc topics related to the IC RP))

[ChocolateIzzy]

((Oh cool!))

Toraz raised her eyebrows. "So you mean I could turn this one piece of chocolate into a full bar with my phone?" She whips out her chocolate bar broke off a piece and put it on her lap. Toraz felt a whole big wind cone. Oh I was I brought my jacket! Toraz shivered so much her teeth were chattering. "S-s-so s-s-shall w-w-we g-g-go i-i-in s-s-side?"

[Bates]

The crispness of the air made it refreshing. It was fluid, swirling, and slick. The noise of the city wasn't dulled by it; it sliced through it. It so contrasted with the air in Cesar's room. That air was thick, more comprised of the thick haze of smoke that hung by the ceiling than the actual breathable gas. The air there was palpable, hot, and clearly not pleasant. Not even Cesar himself really enjoyed this fact, for he was not a fool enough to find pleasure in the thick smog, no, but he kept it, for the curling smoke that seeped through the cracks around his door was sign enough for his father that whatever his father wanted or needed, Cesar would do the opposite. The only reason he was doing Richard's bidding right now was just so he could later throw it in the man's face, prove that he was better. The cool, the crisp, the liquid air here was so refreshing, so cleansing, that it was almost as if he felt like he had been reborn. He was freed, freed from the hellish mass of chaotic energy that was he, that was the bitter young man who was desperate to do anything so long as he could get a rise from people. But perhaps all the fire needed was a good cooling. Maybe that was all it needed in order to become tamed.

 

Cesar pulled a pair of earbuds out of his ears and put them in his ears. It was much nicer this way, without cords connecting them to the phone, instead syncing wirelessly. He could remember, back when he was around ten, how they had cords that always got tangled. Though it was far easier to loose them now, they could be tracked using the phone that they were wirelessly connected to, so it wasn't too much of a trouble. Clicking on his phone, he selected an album and began listening to it as he walked. He didn't have to walk too far, but it was a big enough distance that he wanted to have something to listen to as he did it. One could say that he didn't exactly have enough patience to properly walk without doing anything else. It was interesting, eerie even, to see the world around him moving without ever making a sound. He swore to himself that he'd never get used to that. Perhaps it was better this way, to not get used to it, because then who knows if he'd ever take the ear buds out.

 

The cafe was finally close to him in proximity. He could smell it before he could see it. The coffee was sweet and heavenly. He could already imagine how the first sip of it would taste, pleasantly bitter and thick. Entering the building, he ordered an espresso from the man standing behind the cash register. Cesar gave the man a twenty, watched him ring it up, and then waited for his coffee, which he took in his hands and sipped out of . It was hot and scalded his tongue, but he didn't really care. He contemplated sitting down inside, but it looked like there was a bit of a busy day inside. Instead, he walked outside of the coffee shop and looked for a place to sit down. Most of the tables were empty out here, and he quickly scanned them over, hesitating while quickly deciding where to sit down. He was about to reach to the chair to his immediate left when he noticed the kid sitting by himself with a computer. He was interesting. He was deeply concentrating on whatever he was working on, his eyes locked on the computer screen that cast bright bluish tints of light on his face. He had headphones with him, but he instead was wearing a headset. Not to mention his hair was rather stand-outish. Could he be a programmer? Even if he wasn't, he'd probably be interesting enough to talk to, even if he did look to be a bit younger than Cesar.

 

"Hey. I noticed you seem reasonably entranced with your work, so I thought I might come over here and bother you," he said, smiling, pulling the earbuds out of his ears and putting them in his pocket as he turned and pulled up a chair to the kid's table. "I'm Cesar Levine. I'm a bit into computers myself, and it's rather obvious that you are too. I was curious, what exactly are you doing that requires a headset like that? Not that it's not impressive, au contraire. It just so happens that I don't typically catch people like you wandering about, as I'm sure you'd no doubt say yourself."

[PureDark006]

"Hey."

 

Sid was listening to his sister's explanation as he zoomed in one of the spider legs, rotating it like she said so he could get a side view, when the other boy with the red scarf approached and started talking to him. "Hang on a sec," he told her, putting each hand on a side of the headset and pulling it down so it was hanging from his neck. By then, the other had nonchalantly pulled up a chair from other table as if he owned the place.

 

"Oh, you aren't interrupting anything, just me and some accomplices planning a bank robbery," he said in the same tone one would use when conversing the weather, turning to look at the other with a cordial smile. He looked older than Sid, but by how much, he didn't know - he wasn't good with that kind of stuff. Same school? Sid couldn't even remember his whole class, so it was a possibility. The name didn't ring any bells either.

 

"Name's Sidley. The headset's because I need a microphone to coordinate the escape route."

 

[Danniphantom]

"Well, not literally." Aaron chuckled and scratched the back of his head. He looked over at Toraz. "If you have the right software you could do it virtually though." He smiled. He knew what he said was a lie, but he wasn't going to admit that then. He only just met her, it wasn't the time to reveal any such things to her. He stood as she requested to go inside. "Sure, I don't get down here very often but I do know of a nice little store a few blocks away." He said, he unzipped his sleeveless hoodie and pulled it off. "It's not much, but it will help you stay warm, at least a little bit, until we get there." Aaron said extending his arm and offering her the grey hoodie.