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“What time is it?”

 

“About... Oh damn! It's already 3:25!”

 

“We won't make it in time.”

 

A sly smile crept across the boy's face. "Sure we will." He lifted his phone, it was a brand new phone; it was one of the ones with a thinner body and a large display.

 

“You'll need to sync it up. It's been a long time since you've used it,” the other boy replied.

 

“You do too!" he exclaimed. "I don't want to do all the work again like last time. You handle the lights, I'll handle the meeting,” the first boy added.

 

Both walked over to a nearby news stand. Two metal bars, about the thickness of a magazine and about half the length of a pencil were attached to the panel in front of them. On the face of the bars there were etchings along the metal surface, it much resembled a bar code found on retail items. The boys nodded to each other and placed the corners of their phones to one of the surfaces. Almost in complete sync, they dragged their phones across the etchings. A quick sound, much like the sound of a zipper suddenly being zipped or unzipped, was emitted from their actions. Immediately afterward, a screen displayed on their phones, indicating that a download had been initiated. It was just a copy of the day's newspaper. The two boys stared at their phones and waited for the download to finish. As it did, the boys attached a headset, a pair of headphones with a microphone attached to the wire, to their phones and spoke softly so only they could hear one another.

 

“Data Control: Synchronize,” they said together. Immediately their screens went black before a green dot appeared at the center. The dot grew larger, it quickly grew into a sphere which pulsed a little. Soon after, the sphere took shape and turned into a wire-grid that outlined the shape of the Earth. Then it centralized on their location. A bar appeared below the graphic of Earth; it was the same greenish color as the wire-grid. It began to fill slowly like a loading bar.

 

“This is always the longest part,” the second boy said.

 

“What do you expect? It needs to synchronize from the last time it was used. The Data has changed since then. If we didn't sync up every time we accessed the Data Control, we may change the wrong data segments and seriously screw something up. What we think is a simple light delay could end up cutting power from a section of the city. What we think is a simple scheduled stop for a train could cause a mass Metro shutdown,” the first boy replied.

 

“I still don't quite understand,” the second boy replied.

 

“You're hopeless. Look, I'll explain the rules again later. For now, just change the roster so that we're there. We'll sneak in. I'll change the lights and patrol routes so that we have a way to sneak in,” the first boy responded.

 

The phones finished their syncs and the boys immediately began working. The second boy finished quickly then nodded to the second one. The first boy nodded back and tapped a final button on his phone. “The lights are on a time delay, we need to move quickly or we'll miss it. I'll work on the patrols on the way,” the boy said dropping his arm to his side. “The first cross light will turn green in 3...2...1...” Sure enough, as he said, the light changed green allowing them to cross the street safely. “Hurry, we have ten seconds to the next one,” he said running across the street tapping away at his phone again.

 

“Brother, when can we start telling people about this?” the second boy asked.

 

“There are rules. We need to be patient. We'll make friends this year I promise. Then if they can be trusted we'll let them in on our secret,” The first boy smiled as the second light changed green right on queue.

---

 

Welcome to Hacked! The plot of this RP is that you are a user of a very powerful tool; a tool that allows you to directly interface with the programming of reality. Re-writing subroutines and minor code strings within this Data Stream allows you to alter reality to your advantage.

 

Background:

 

Life is like a computer. There are program that run functions of daily life; from the creation of life all the way up to the motion of galaxies within the cosmos. All of this is controlled by a delicate and complex stream of data. This data can be accessed after synchronization via any number of electronic devices such as cell phones, computers and tablets. Any device with an electronic user interface can access this stream of data and ultimately alter it. This allows a user to change the weather or even properties of substances. For example one could change the programmed properties of an entity, like a glass of water; to that of a glass of ice, without losing the appearance of a glass of water. However, there are rules to changing the Data Stream.

 

Plot:

 

You are a normal citizen, for the most part. You are abnormal because you have been trusted with having access to such a powerful program. However, not all that use this program follow the rules. One man has started to rise from the shadows as a political figurehead and has started to gain power from seemingly nowhere. He has obtained this by surrounding himself with minions, whom he has given access to the Data Stream; and by breaking the rules when he himself accesses the stream. This man must be stopped before causing irreparable damage to the code that rules reality and existence. You can take his side under the promise of power and full control over the world, practically becoming a god; or you can take the side of those who would use their access to stop him and prevent the total destabilization of reality and the potential enslavement or destruction of the Earth.

 

---

 

App Form:

 

Name:

Age:

Gender:

Side: (Good Hackers or Bad Hackers)

 

Appearance:

 

Personality:

 

History:

 

Likes:

 

Dislikes:

 

Other:

 

---

 

Rules:

 

1. This is probably the most necessary rule. You must come in contact with someone who has access, and get them to give you access; in order to gain access. In other words, a player who can manipulate the Data Stream must willingly given you the ability to do the same before you can do what they do. You may not start with access unless approved by me. This is to ensure that you will actually involve yourself with the character of the side you choose.

 

2. Please PM all of your applications to me. This way I can easily transfer them to the Character section.

 

3. In your character bio, if you use an image (which is fine), please just paste the link don't do this: Blah. This has a tendency to break the link and cause your image not to appear (as it did in the example). It also makes transferring your bio a little more of a hassle

 

4. Follow the standard rules of Roleplaying. No doing all that bad stuff that makes people angry when you do it.

 

5. I don't care if you have romance between characters, but keep it PG-13 at the most.

 

6. Follow the rules of Data Control (listed below) if you're a good guy. The whole basis of this rp is so that only the bad guys break the rules.

 

6.5. If you've read the rules please put your character's first name in binary (or hexadecimal it's your choice) at the bottom of your bio (it doesn't have to be exact and you can use an online text>binary/hexadecimal converter, I'm not that mean).

 

7. Posts should be long, well written and follow standard rules of English spelling and grammar. I don't want to see 'posts liek ths becuz som1 got bord and decided to not pay a10shun?' Seriously exaggerated but you get my point.

 

8. Please read through the Setting and the General Info about Access so you can better understand the workings of the role play and make it more entertaining for yourself.

Edited by Danniphantom

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Characters:

 

Good Guys:

 

Leaders/Parent*: (Original Hackers)

 

Name: Aaron

Codename: Father

Age: 18

Gender: Male

Side: Good

 

Appearance: http://data.whicdn.com/images/29348550/2ic71hf_large.jpg

 

Personality: Aaron is for the most part very level headed. He doesn't often get angry or outwardly show other emotions to any extreme. He will smile and laugh but it is always controlled and never over the top. He expresses a relatively high intelligence especially when it comes to coding and programming and other subjects involving technology, science and math. He is only slightly above average when it comes to language and articulation, but it isn't as noticeable as his other skills.

 

History: He and his twin brother Hunter had a somewhat average childhood living with their parents in the Northern Residential Section. Despite their living standards being technically like a noble, they don't seem as stuck up or snobby as most rich kids. He was the first to unlock the Data Stream and his brother followed a few days after. After school he generally spends his time at home in his lair.

 

Likes: Coding, Programming, reading, prefers to keep up with school work though it may not be considered a like

 

Dislikes: Failing, debugging, taking language classes.

 

Other: Prefers being called by one of his code names by his friends or his colleagues, and by his acquaintances he prefers being referred to with Japanese honorifics.

 

Daughter*:

 

Bad Guys:

 

Leaders/Parent: (Original Hackers)

 

Daughter:

 

---

 

*I used the terms Parent/Daughter because they are computer terms. If you create a main file it is known as a Parent; if a separate file is created from that original file it is known as a Daughter file.

 

**Extra Note: The "Original Hackers" indicate those who have no parent hackers. They are the people who first gained access to this program and gave access to others. Daughter hackers are those who stemmed from the original hackers, they are all of the other hackers who would have a parent hacker which can be either another daughter hacker or one of the original parent hackers.

Edited by Danniphantom

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Setting:

 

This takes place ten years ahead of current time (2023). The city is huge and spans across half of what would have been a state in Central United States. The city was dubbed Central City due to its central location in the US, which became a major political hub for the entire world. Technology hasn't advanced too far with the exception of a few minor inventions for the ease of everyday life. Due to the sheer size of the city transportation is generally done by train. The central area of the city has been reserved for business, commercial buildings and organizations. This is where it is most common to find the tallest buildings and office towers. From there, the city is divided around the perimeter into residential sections: the Northern and Southern Residential Section. The north is reserved for upper class citizens. Almost like a nobility title, upper class citizens are recognized above others and are held in higher regard, generally due to the nature of their wealth. The Upper class citizens are usually owners of large and successful businesses which are located in the center commercial section of the city. In the south reside the commoners, those who do not live wealthy but aren't necessarily considered poor. They are the owners of smaller business or even teachers and workers for big business. For smaller business owners they may have to commute into the Northern residential section for work. Schools and colleges are spread evenly. Secondary education is provided along the dividing line of the north and south residential sections for the sake of provide unity and defuse any ideas that the social classes are separated and unequal. Most people get along regardless of the section they live in. Throughout the city there are numerous public places, including but not limited to: parks, playgrounds, theaters, swimming pools and shopping malls. To the east and west of city borders are lands set aside by the city for purchase by business owners to place factories and industrial equipment necessary for their business. These areas have merely been dubbed the East and West Industrial Sections. Air in this area has become slightly polluted as well as the water sources. Few people are required to go into the sections, occasionally for maintenance on the machines that do the work or a restock of supply. Factory workers are required to remain there for any jobs requiring human interaction, however within the factories the air is clean and the rooms are climate controlled for comfort of the workers. Streets and roads still line these sections so as not to imply they are off limits, however in the areas outside the climate control gas masks are recommended so as not to cause harm to the body. Factories are off limits by the owner's discretion.

 

Technology Explained:

 

Acoustic Barcodes: Not my own idea, best understood by watching this:

 

Transportation: Trains are the main form of transportation within the city. However they are not like conventional trains, these trains use Mag Lev (Magnetic Levitation) technology, also known as monorail trains. They are more efficient than trains of the past and run much, much faster in order to provide quick and easy transportation to and from different parts of the city.

 

Advertising: Advertising has become more personalized to the customer. Stores will have individual advertisements, usually just within the doors. They will sometimes address the customer directly, usually by an RFID (Radio Frequency Identification) to determine whether or not the customer is a first time or returning shopper and what sales purchases they've made in recent visits to more efficiently advertise their products to those who are more likely to find interest in them. This form of direct advertisement is generally done when a customer enters a store on their own, or if a person is the only one in a group with an RFID device on them it will address them directly rather than the others of the group. When multiple RFID devices are detected the advertisements will be general and not specific to any one customer. Or it will find the products that are more commonly shared among the group and advertise them instead.

 

Edited by Danniphantom

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General Info about Access and the Data Steam and Source Code:

 

Definitions:

 

Access: The Generalized term for the act of using an Access Device to make changes on the Data Stream.

 

Data Stream: The Data Stream is the information that runs reality. It can be accessed and manipulated to benefit the user who is doing the manipulation. If you think about it in video game terms it would be the code that makes up the environment, AI, and appearance of the game.

 

Source Code: The Source Code is the underlying code of reality. It lies even beneath the Data Stream and is what defines the rules and variables of the Data Stream. When a change to the data stream is made by an access device the command is written out in the language of the source code and added to the underlying source code temporarily to change the data stream. The Source Code runs daily purges of these new changes so that the data stream is not permanently affected. When an entity is created or affected the command is written out in the language of the data stream. Unlike the Source Code, the data stream does not purge this information unless the command to do so is given in Source Code. The Source Code will then purge that command so it doesn't loop back and cause an error when it tries to purge something that doesn't exist. If we go back to the video game analogy, the data stream is the coding of a game to make it run the way it does. If that is true then the source code is the engine on which the game was based. Each game is different because the data stream is different. But the Source Code can be used to create new data streams and in essence new games. So by this logic, the Source Code can support multiple data streams and therefore multiple realities, however fundamentally all of these realities would be the same. To better describe it: If the Data Stream were the rules that defined changes made to reality then the source code is the underlying code that defines the nature of those changes and the laws those changes must follow. In even simpler terms: The Data Stream makes changes to reality, such as a person jumping into the air, and the source code defines the laws of gravity that say "because this person weighs this much and exerted this much force to jump, then they will only be able to go this high before falling back to the ground." However, the source code only defines the equation for gravity in general. The Data Stream determines the value of gravity based on the size and mass of the entity that makes up the planet.***

 

Rules of Access:

 

1. Weather Access is strictly forbidden. Environment changes are unpredictable and could damage the ecosystem.

 

2. Synchronization must be done before every access for most accurate and safe data changes.

 

3. Hacking into Entity_CurrentLife routines is strictly forbidden and denied universally by Administrator password.

 

4. Creating or Removing Environment entities is restricted for emergency override mode only.

 

5. Access pertaining to Space-Time is strictly forbidden.

 

6. Access that directly impairs natural and free thought process of any sentient being is strictly prohibited except under special circumstances such as providing a person with first time access.

 

7. The rule above pertains to emotions in an equal regard. However no emotions will be affected during first time access.

 

8. Creation of any form of self-aware and intelligent sentient life is prohibited.

 

9. Rule 8 Addendum: Creation of unnatural life in the current planet's ecosystem is strictly forbidden; native life forms only.

 

More will come as needed or as I think of them.

 

---

 

Rules Explained:

 

1. Access to the Data Stream shall not be used to affect, change or disrupt weather patterns, it is unstable to effect weather in such an unnatural way and could cause long term permanent damage to the ecosystem of the planet (A butterfly flaps it's wings in America and 1000 years later a tsunami hits India).

 

2. Synchronizing the data library of the access device with the data of reality is essential. This can be done by downloading any form of media that gives current dates and events to your access device and then giving a root command (accessing something like a command prompt and typing in the command for synchronization) or a voice command (like accessing the voice command option on a mobile phone while your current media is opened and saying "Synchronize"). This acts as a software or firmware update to the access device and allows for the most accurate manipulation of data. As reality is in constant motion and changes are made every day that could be unpredictable, changes must be made to the code to keep it running smoothly, therefore in order for the access device to recognize these changes in the code or "Source Code" it must be synchronized before every use if the interval of uses is longer than an hour. While within the data stream updates are made live so constant use is supported and sometimes encouraged, however if changes have been made to the source code and the access device has not been synchronized to the new changes, access will be denied.

 

3. Entity_CurrentLife involves any being that is currently alive within the world. This includes human life and even insect life. Plants and other non-intelligent/ non-sentient life are not considered to be grouped with Entity_CurrentLife and are classified as environment entities. This rules implies that one is not to interfere with the existence of anything under the classification of Entity_CurrentLife. So in other words, you cannot end someone's life using the access. Nor can you kill animals in this way as they fall under the same classification.

 

4. As the rule states, no environment entities (including walls, buildings, cars, or plant life) can be removed except when in emergency override mode. Emergency override is a mode in which extreme circumstances have arisen and certain functions that are normally restricted by the system and the source code are unlocked and have limited or unlimited uses, until such circumstances no longer apply. Emergency mode is only activated in certain areas where source code has destabilized to the point of collapse. Emergency mode enables to allow users to try and mend the environment and personally re-stabilize the source code so life may continue as usual. If a failure to stabilize the source code has occurred then the area of destabilization, or chunk, and everything in it will be completely reset. Any changes made within the recent frame of time, generally the time of last access by a user in the chunk, will be undone. If no user is present within the chunk then the chunk resets to the last previous stable version of the source code.

 

5. Straightforward enough, hopefully. Any access that manipulates the laws of space-time, such as speeding up, slowing down or even stopping time; or changing the effects of gravity or any laws of physics is prohibited by the source code.

 

6. Access cannot be used to manipulate how a person thinks or acts. If the person did not freely choose to think or act a certain way then their thoughts can't be manipulated.

 

7. Same goes for emotions.

 

8. Sentient and intelligent life cannot be created using access. It is unnatural and may disrupt the ecosystem. This is not restricted by the source code but by creating sentient life the resulting chunks that the created life affected will be destabilized and must be reset or stabilized again. Stabilization can be done by undoing the effects of the change made by the created life and by removing the created life.

 

9. In addition to not creating sentient life, unnatural non-sentient life cannot be created either. If it does not exist on the planet currently it should not be created. In other words: you can't create a black flower that shoots flames from its bud. This is also not restricted by the source code but will cause destabilization of the effected chunks.

 

---

 

Skill/Proficiency in Access:

 

Skill is a subjective term when it comes to hacking. As defined by rule 6; thoughts cannot be manipulated through access by an unwilling or unnatural way. When a person is given access they are aware of the manipulation of thought that will occur and consent to it. When they are given access they are essentially given the knowledge of how to gain Access to the Data Stream using an access device. When they are given this knowledge they are also given the full understanding of the language and syntax of access. They know how certain commands will affect different things. However, part of Accessing the Data Stream to make it personally advantageous is based on knowledge of strategy. For example: A person could have the knowledge of how to change a crossing light green as well as possess the knowledge to set it so the next one changes green after a specific amount of time, but they may not have the mental acuity to think that if they changed the first light green and then set the second one to turn green at just the right time they could run through the first green and towards the second green in a way that when they reached the second light it would be green for them and they could continue running through it, which is why skill is subjective. Everyone has the ability to code however they want in whatever way they are allowed, but they may not be able to code in such a way that events happen that prove to be advantageous, or they do it in a way that could be less advantageous than doing it a different way.

 

---

 

***If there is trouble understanding anything listed here (because I try to describe it simply enough and yet make it complex so understanding is deeper and role-play is more exciting) then feel free to PM me.

 

Edited by Danniphantom

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Deleted my post for ya smile.gif Won't be able to do much until tomorrow, but from glancing:

 

Leader/Parent/Daughter: why is this important? What makes it so pivotal to the RPer? Also, what is meant by original hacker?

 

Setting: explain the settings in further detail. You want to give your RPers and substantial base to build off of when creating their characters. A smaller paragraph makes it difficult to see where their character can come from. Are there other towns? Do you want characters to mainly be based/born in Central City? Is there a 'bad side' of town? A difference in wealth in various areas of the city? Like, for example, southside is where the poor/decrepit are. Northside, the rich, and finally the north west and north east are the moderate.

 

One thing you may want to clarify, are there different skill levels in hacking? Can someone be better at hacking than another person? Can someone be naturally adept at hacking?

 

Explain the rules of access. I will admit, the sentences are lovely and luckily, I understand them. But use the KISS (Keep it simple stupid) method to make sure that you have everything in your world explained for your RPers.

 

There, hope that gives you some food for thought while i go do homework. Lemme know if you need anything or have any questions while doing the suggested edits.

 

Thanks!

-LL

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Hi, Danni! I was looking through quickly and noticed a small, small issue.

 

This takes place 10 years ahead of current time (so 2022).

 

This sentence is nice, but if it were ten years ahead, the year would be 2023. Also, if I were you, I'd take out the "so" in the parentheses because it's not really needed to convey your point. You don't have to take it out, just a suggestion. Good job, though. I may come back to look at it more closely, but I think LL can help you for the most part.

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You're absolutely right >. < last time I try to do midnight math.

 

LL I will be honest. I read your post quickly yesterday and really only read that you wanted me to describe the city more. It was only by complete chance that our concepts of North and South side were similar xd.pngbut I'm almost done with corrections.

 

I'm done with corrections...

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Here we go into the thick of it all!

 

That entire first section. Brilliant, I like it. However, since it really isn't a part of the RP other than giving the RP'er a feel for the world, put it in italics.

 

“About... Oh, Damn. It's already 3:25!”

 

About... Oh, --> About ... Oh

 

Damn. --> damn,

 

He lifted his phone, it was a new phone. One of the thinner bodies with the large display. It was a touchscreen. Most phones were now.

 

Veeery abrupt sentences. Yes they make an impact, however let's try to combine them.

 

He lifted his new phone for the other boy to see. It was one of the phones with the thinner bodies, and larger and highly sensitive touch screens.

 

Considering that the RP is futuristic, there really isn't a need to add that everything has a touch screen especially since we are pretty much almost to that point.

 

“You do too. I don't want to do all the work.

 

Instead, connect the two sentences.

 

You do too because I don't want to do all of the work.

 

.” The first boy added. Both walked over to a

 

.” The first boy added.

 

Both walked over to a

 

You need to start a new paragraph.

 

On the face there were etchings within the metal surface, it much resembled a bar code found on retail items.

 

there --> of the bars,

surface, --> surface;

 

Both boys nodded to each other and placed the corners of their phones to the one of the surfaces. Almost in complete sync they dragged their phones across the etchings. A quick sound, much like a zipper, was emitted from their actions. Almost immediately afterward a screen displayed on their phones, indicating a download was initiated.

 

Both -> The

the one -> one

sync --> sync,

quick sound -> sound

a -> the sound of a

Almost --> repetitive use.

afterward -> afterward,

a download was -> that a download had been

 

the phone and waited for the download to finish. As it did the two boys attached a headset, just a pair of headphones with a microphone attached to the wire, to their phones and spoke softly so only the other could here.

 

the phones -> their phones

did --> did,

two --> not needed

just -> not needed

to -> on

 

the other could here -> so they could only hear one another.

 

“Data Control: Synchronize.” They said together. Immediately their screens went black. A green dot appeared at the center. It grew larger, into a sphere which pulsed a little. Soon the sphere took shape and turned into a wiregrid sphere which outlined Earth. Then it centralized on their location. A bar appeared below the graphic of Earth. It was the same greenish color. It began to fill slowly like a loading bar.

 

Immediately their screens went black. A green dot appeared at the center -> Their screens immediately went black with a small green dot appearing at the center.

It grew larger, into a sphere which pulsed a little -> The dot grew into a large sphere that pulse slightly.

Soon the sphere --> Soon after the sphere began pulsing, it

sphere --> not needed

which --> that

Earth --> the Earth

A bar appeared below the graphic of Earth. It was the same greenish color. --> A bar of the same greenish hue as the grid appeared below the image of the Earth.

 

The Data has changed since then. If we didn't sync up every time we accessed the Data Control we may change the wrong data segments and seriously screw something up

 

Control --> Control,

 

We'll sneak in. I'll change the lights and patrol routes so that we have a way to sneak in.” The first boy retorted. The phones finished their syncs and the boys immediately got to work. The second boy finished quickly and nodded to the second one.

 

Don't forget to add a break between conversation.

EXP: The first boy retorted.

 

Their phones finished...

 

I'll change the lights and patrol routes so that we have a way to sneak in." The first boy replied.

 

The phones finished their syncs and the boys immediately got to work. --> Their phones finished syncing, allowing the boys to get to work.

 

and --> then

 

The first cross light will change green

 

green --> to green

 

Sure enough, as he said the light changed green allowing them to cross the street safely

 

the -> that, the

 

Start on that and I'll get back to ya!

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Not ready to be approved just yet wink.gif

 

Don't forget to italicize that first section with the two brothers.

 

A tool that allows you to directly interface with the programming of reality.

 

A tool that allows --> This tool allows

 

 

programming of reality. Re-writing subroutines and minor code strings to change reality to your advantage.

 

programming of reality, letting you re-write subroutines and minor code strings to alter reality to your advantage.

 

The Background and plot need to be in boldface, or above the section in a heading. Like so:

 

Welcome!

 

blah blah blah

 

Background

 

yadda yadda yadda

 

Plot

 

Stuff

 

There are program that run functions of daily life. To the creation of life all the way up to the motion of galaxies within the cosmos.

 

There are programs that run the functions of daily life from the creation of life, all the way up to the motions of galaxies within the cosmos.

 

This data can be accessed, after synchronization, via any number of electronic devices. From cell phones, to computers, to tablets.

 

devices. From --> devices such as

 

to computers, to tablets --> computers and tablets.

 

This allows for changing properties of substances, for example changing the properties of an entity like a glass of water to that of a glass of ice, without losing the appearance of a glass of water.  This data stream can also control weather and even motion. However, there are rules to changing the data stream.

 

This access allows the user to change many things such as the weather and the properties of substances. For example, one could change the molecular behavior of a glass of water from a liquid to that of a solid. However, there are rules that must be followed when dealing with the data stream.

 

You are abnormal in that you have been trusted to have access to such a powerful program.

 

in that --> because

 

to have --> with

 

However, not all that use this program follow the rules. One man has started to rise from the shadows as a political figurehead and has started to gain power from seemingly no where.

 

no where --> nowhere

 

He has attained this by surrounding himself with those he has given access to the data stream and by breaking the rules when he himself has accessed the stream.

 

attained --> obtained

 

This next part makes no sense at all.

 

those that he has given access to. He allows them to break the rules of the data stream only once he has accessed the stream.

 

You can take his side, or you can take the side of those who would use their access to stop him.

 

What "benefit" is there for the RPer to take his side?

 

Probably the most necessary to be mentioned. You must come in contact with someone who has access and get them to give you access in order to gain access. You may not start with access unless expressly approved by me. This is to ensure that you will actually involve yourself with the character of the side you choose.

 

Probably --> this is probably

to be mentioned --> rule in the role play

 

This next part reads in an odd way. Try this,

 

You must come into contact with someone who has access to the data stream in order to gain access to the data stream

 

expressly --> this word doesn't belong here

 

Please PM all of your Applications to me. This way I can easily transfer them to the Character section

 

Applications doesn't need to be capitalized.

 

Characters needs to be italicized.

 

In your bio, if you use an image (which is fine), please just paste the link don't do this: Blah. This has a tendency to break the link and cause your image not to appear. It also makes transference a little more of a hassle

 

bio --> application

 

transference --> transferring the profile

 

Follow the rules of Data Control (listed below) if you're a good guy. The whole basis of this rp is so that only the bad guys break the rules.

 

rp --> RP

 

If you are going to capitalize Data Control, then capitalize all instances of Data Stream.

 

8. Please read through the Setting and the General Infoabout Access  so you can better understand the workings of the roleplay and make it more entertaining for yourself.

 

 

Italicize Setting and General Info About Access

 

roleplay --> role play

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No, I'm afraid that there are still sections to go through that need corrections.

 

Before I do that, review what I stated in my last critique, you still have things that are not finished. Specifically the headings of each section.

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[intrusion]Just poking my head in to point this out; it was in the range that LL critiqued.

 

There are program that run functions of daily life; from the creation of life all the way up to the motion of galaxies within the cosmos.

This needs to be either singular or plural. "This is a program" or "There are programs" would be correct here. smile.gif[/intrusion]

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Name:

Age:

Gender:

Side: (Good Hackers or Bad Hackers)

 

Appearance:

 

Personality:

 

History:

 

Likes:

 

Dislikes:

 

Other:

 

Delete the spaces between the sections and instead boldface and code the form.

 

 

*I used the terms Parent/Daughter because they are computer terms. If you create a main file it is known as a Parent, if a separate file is created from that original file it is known as a Daughter file.

Parent, if  Parent;

 

**Extra Note: The Original hackers indicate those who have no parent hackers. They are the people who first gained access to this program and gave them to others. Daughter hackers are those who stemmed from the original hackers, they are all of the other people who would have a parent hacker. Either another daughter hacker or one of the original parent hackers.

 

The Original hackers indicate -> Original hacker indicates

parent -> Parent

them -> access

original -> Original

That last section doesn’t make any sense at all. Another way to put it is: Daughter hackers can come from either a Daughter hacker, or they can come from an Original hacker.

This takes place 10 years ahead of current time (2023). The city is huge and spans across half of an entire state. The city was dubbed Central City due to it's central location in the US. A major political hub in current times for the entire world. Technology hasn't advanced too far with the exception of a few minor inventions for the ease of everyday life. Due to the sheer size of the city transportation is generally done by train. The Central area of the city has been reserved for business and commercial buildings and organizations. This is where it is most common to find the tallest buildings and office towers. From there the city is divided around the perimeter into residential sections: the northern residential section and the southern residential section.

10 -> ten

State -> which state?

US -> United States

A -> It is a

In current times -> remove

city -> city,

Central -> central

Business and commercial buildings -> businesses, commercial buildings

there -> there,

the northern residential section and the southern residential section. -> the Northern and Southern Residential Sections.

 

There's some more to work on smile.gif Let me know when you are finished.

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I don't think the formatting is necessary. The space between the sections is how I want them done, otherwise it looks sloppy and an eyesore when I read them. The double spacing keeps it neat and more pleasant when I read them. I'm working on grammatical stuff right now.

 

Finished.

 

Also... I don't mean to sound rude, You don't need to correct all grammar. So long as it is decent and the idea of it is also understood with minimal effort then it is fine (I know I'm not an approved but I have seen the process as well as been through it numerous times.) And formatting and rp layout should be left in the hands of the OP, their formatting makes their rp unique, as long as it is not a complete incoherent mess and has a basic organizational structure it is fine. I don't mean to be disrespectful or rude, but I know you're new to approval and I just wanted to give some tips to help you in the future. It will help speed the process up and keep people from getting upset, feeling like you're changing everything and making it take forever. You've been a lot of help with my rp, and I appreciate it, You've pointed out mistakes that I probably wouldn't have noticed. But at the same time I do want to speed this up... happy.gif

Edited by Danniphantom

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