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first storie.

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This is a work in progress. Post if you like it, if you hate it, I'm also listening.


Ok, tell me if you like it...


Chapter 1


He is dark, mysterious, cloudy, quick, and sly. He’s weird, ADD, smart, he’ll attack anything that may threaten him, but most of all, he’s unlucky. His stringy black hair shows his hurry and his pale skin has bruises and scratches all over. His thin arms hold more power than one would think. His long spider like legs rush him to new hiding places. His stone gray eyes tells you to back off, without him saying a thing. Zeke is the person you would, and wouldn’t want to be stuck with. He has everyone you wouldn’t want looking for you, looking for him, and he’s only thirteen.

Edited by stephanienie

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Every sentence starts with "he" or "his," and once his name. I know this is cliche advice, but you should be trying to "show, not tell" because there isn't anything to back up the statements you've made about this character. I generally can't take such young protagonists seriously but it can be pulled off, I don't really have anything to go off of on this character. It's more effective to let the characters speak through themselves than to spell it all out for a reader. You don't need to be in a hurry to get anywhere when you write -- think about popular youth lit like Harry Potter. It takes Harry four chapters to learn that he's a wizard, and another two chapters to make it to Hogwarts. We spend that time getting to know the characters and how they act, and this tells us enough about them that J.K. Rowling never needs to say things directly because we already know.


Take your time, flesh everything out.

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