Posted November 3, 2012 (edited) Literate RP, fairly dark in theme, dieselpunk/fantasy/colonial aesthetic and vibe with lots of anachronism. Despair all ye history buffs who enter here. Miraba could hear it before she could see it, a dull roar bleeding across the horizon. It was steady and constant, not like the natural sound made by any of the animals in the jungle that surrounded her home. That same jungle made it difficult to see until it was inside the village already. The guards in the trees must have seen the mechanical beast as it approached, so it must have beaten them home. The bike's heavy treads had mowed down most of the foliage and roots that stood in its path. It could be tracked by a blind child, but it was fast. Miraba was reasonably certain the rider was human. The shape was right, arms, legs, head, but it was covered head-to-foot in dull brown and black armor, heavy leather reinforced with metal plates on the chest and shoulders. A black helmet enclosed the head entirely, tinted glass obscuring the wearer's face entirely. Miraba couldn't recognize the rider, but the weapon it carried slung over one shoulder was plenty familiar. It may have been a bit bulkier than the ones her village had scavenged, but she knew a gun when she saw one. Miraba stood on tip-toe, cursing her short height and praying she wasn't quite done growing yet, trying to get a better glimpse at what was going on while the village's interpreter babbled with the bike's rider in its own alien language. The rider's only response to the greeting was to lower the gun and fire a grenade into one of the many large huts built in the clearing, which immediately burst into flames, eliciting shrieks of terror and howls of rage from the village. Miraba stumbled back, mind paralyzed with fear, as the screams of those caught in the blaze pierced the air, burning bodies stumbling around for release from the pain. She found the sense to turn and run, the pounding of her heart disrupted by the thundering blasts that left her ears ringing, her feet unsteady, and her village in flames. Pain shot through Miraba's leg and she crumbled to the ground. She turned to examine the wound in a panic, bits of bone jutting out where the bullet had carved its path through her body. The rider was advancing on her now, raising a pistol towards her, its arm shaking. Miraba saw no wounds on the rider, but perhaps her village's warriors had done some damage to the monster after all? Miraba hoped as she crawled away, tears streaking her cheeks as she pulled her mangled leg behind her, that the rider's hand would be unsteady enough to spare her life. Miraba reached for a tangled root to pull herself forward by, but strength left her as another bullet ripped through her neck, nearly decapitating her. Blood spilled from the latest wound, emptying her veins in seconds, and leaving her only enough time left to wonder why. What could her village possibly have done wrong to deserve this? What dark god had they offended? Setting You know they're more or less the bad guys if they're called "the Imperium" and it's no different in Dieselpunk (this specific work, not the whole genre). The Imperium is a foreign power that's come to Aarde in order to conquer it for its ample supply of gold, copper, hematite, and ruins left behind by a mysterious precursor civilization which contain technological wonders that rival or surpass that of the Imperium itself. Aarde itself isn't really unified, divided by numerous tribes, kingdoms, city-states, and so on, most of which are at varying levels of civilization themselves. The locals aren't all holding hands and singing kumbaya, though. They fight with each other way more often than the Imperium, for while the Imperium has many technological and logistical advantages over the locals which would terrify rational minds, humanity is notoriously irrational and many of them are entirely unwilling to let blood feuds stretching back centuries drop now just because of some johnny-come-latelies with airships and motorbikes. And I suppose now's a good time to mention that the whole thing is dieselpunk, which, if you're not familiar with the term, is like steampunk but a few decades later, with an exaggerated 20s-40s aesthetic. Kind of like Bioshock or Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. The superhumans are alchemically enhanced super soldiers who work for the Imperium. Yes, alchemy is a thing in this setting, in addition to flying aircraft carriers, fighter planes, tanks, and anything else that looks like WWII if it had been a comic book instead of a real thing. I'm also thinking about making psychic powers a thing. Other stuff may also be a thing, so if you have a supernatural character concept that you think will work with the setting, go ahead and try it. That said, make sure it will actually mesh with the setting, and please do not just shoehorn in your favorite supernatural creature just because this is kind of an undefined fantasy/punk/sci-fi crossover clustercuss anachronism stew. Japanese Oni probably don't have a place here, for example. History So well and good about the setting, but what about the conflict? A local king named Baakir is seeking to re-establish the old Mabarak Empire, which exists now primarily in the form of myth and legend as those who built the magnificent cities and palaces that now lie ruined all throughout Aarde. He is a bold and cunning man, and seeks to reforge the Mabarak at any cost before the Imperium can entrench itself in the region. The Imperium has colonized lands before, and Baakir has heard tell of it and has no intention of allowing it to happen here. Of course, Baakir has no intention of making his opposition to the Imperium known until he already has enough support to ward off conquest and assassination. Now, however, he blitzes for territory, support, and advanced weaponry, both by securing trade lines to distant colonies of the Imperium and by searching the ruins of Mabarak for anything that can be salvaged or repaired. House Silmoore is not exactly hurting for territory. They have the most expansive colonial empire of any of the Imperium's twelve houses, but they are always hungry for more. To that end, one of the House's premiere alchemists convinced them to invest in his project to use alchemy on infants to affect the growth process, transforming them into super humans as they matured. In small quantities, this process would create elite strike teams to serve in Silmoore's colonial military. Once the process was perfected, it could be used on every Silmoore child, turning them into a family of ubermensch. The first two attempts killed the subjects within two or three years, however this latest batch has mostly survived. Nonetheless, the instability of the process has cast serious doubt as to whether or not the Silmoores should go on funding it at all, and thus the leader of the project has pushed the now teenaged super humans to the front lines of the colonial war in order to prove the effect of the alchemical process and hopefully restore his reputation in the eyes of his patrons. The result is that in the battle between Baakir and the Silmoores, the latter have an elite strike team of well-trained soldiers between the ages of fourteen and nineteen or so. The ethical issues of this are mostly ignored. The Silmoores didn't get where they are by caring about foreigners and the downtrodden, and all the test subjects were abducted from poor families, usually natives in one of the Silmoore colonies. So if their childhood is boot camp and they get killed before their twentieth birthday in a disease-ridden swamp halfway across the globe from the home they never knew, that's seriously not a big deal to the nobles back home. Can't get a decent-sized map to work so have a link. Wow, I hear you say (I have exceptionally good hearing), that map is very large and confusing! First of all, dotted-red lines are political boundaries, blue lines are rivers, and black lines are roads. The art style is because Hexographer is the only map-making software I can use at all (trying to make MS Paint or Photoshop maps always ends in disaster for me). So what are all those names on it? Well, I'll explain the relevant ones one at a time as they come up in-thread, but if you want to know about all of them at once, here you go: Stolton is the Imperial port town, while Aardepost is a smaller port they established earlier and which has mostly fallen out of use since the rise of Stolton. The Wachawi are a reclusive tribe based out of that old Mabarak tower pretty much since the Mabarak abandoned it a thousand years ago. The Magharibi are basically unimportant, but they hate the Wachawi and the Jambazi both, so there's that. Tajiri is a Magharibi tribesman technically, but at this stage he has basically broken off as his own faction, largely thanks to trade with the Kofi until Baakir seized the Chuma Mines from them, at which point Tajiri started trading with him instead, but then the Enitan moved in and they refuse to trade with anyone. Now Tajiri's merchant empire is slowly withering for lack of trade, but the Imperium offers a second chance, since they want the trade lines with the Chuma Mines flowing as much as anyone. The Jambazi are warriors, bandits, and thieves, and don't have a whole lot of friends. Among their not-friends is Olanrewaju, the chief of Klein, which is the Imperium's biggest ally in the area. Olanrewaju is Olabode's cousin, which means that Olabode is basically allied with the Imperium even though he doesn't like them very much. The Xolani are the tribe from which Olanrewaju and Olabode originate, but no one really cares about the main tribe since the main trade routes and cities are controlled by those two cousins. Ochieng runs the village of Verarm but is mostly ignored by everyone nearby, and he is mostly notable for supplying expeditions into the Mabarak Ruins to the north. The Tendaji are territorial and often end up in various scraps with their neighbors, but when they're not offended they're fairly stable trading partners. Otiyeno is small, very territorial, but mostly dwell in the jungle and don't usually go past their own borders, while the Oos-Huis are basically the same. Sizwe is a Tendaji who split off from the main tribe, but unlike most of these situations where the main tribe doesn't really care, the Tendaji are very put-out by Sizwe's departure and the two are now constantly at one another's throats. The Tendaji, Otiyeno, Oos-Huis, Sizwe, and Xolani are all pretty unstable and plagued by assorted villains as well. The Kusini and Masamba are distant tribes that no one knows a whole lot about, but Lesendi is famous as the queen who put an end to the wars between them by carving out a territory in between the two. Most of the Kusini and Masamba respect her power, but occasionally some of them will try to reignite the war again. The Zuri are a distant tribe but probably the biggest power in the deeper jungle, while the Katikati and the Watu are more minor tribes no one much cares about. Nkosana runs Ajabu Mji as a vassal of Baakir, while Sefu, Nomusa, Unathi, and Kgosi are all rivals of his. Baakir is trying to get them to set aside their differences in order to take action against the Imperium, but to most of Baakir's rivals, the Imperium is just another tribe, one that's on the other side of Aarde for that matter, so they're pretty reluctant to let ancient blood feuds drop just because they showed up. tl;dr everyone hates everyone else and they're all going to die. Story The upshot of all this is that a pack of teenagers with very little oversight is dumped in a volatile, wartorn region equipped with a bunch of weapons, the training to use them, and occasionally given orders to go ruin a local king's day. The older ones, mostly aged 16-19, are from the first successful batch. They're rarer since more of them were killed in childhood when the alchemical procedure didn't work right, they have no supernatural powers beyond being exceptionally strong, fast, tough, etc. etc., but have the advantage of a year or so of veterancy. They are, for the most part, used to all this. The younger ones, aged around 14-17, are from the second batch. Most of them survived the alchemy, and they may manifest supernatural powers completely beyond what a human being could actually do, like prescience, telekinesis, or the ability to manipulate electricity. They're also even stronger, faster, tougher, etc. as compared to the older kids. However, they have zero experience. Their total lack of preparation for war means that some kind of panic, hysterics, or guilt-based meltdown like Tanirt's is basically guaranteed to happen the first mission or two, and they generally lack the experience that the older kids have concerning things like how much armor it's really wise to bring to this or that sort of mission. There is also the option to play as a native ally of the Imperium, in which case you trade alchemical super powers for an extensive knowledge of the terrain and local area. The story itself is mostly episodic. Sort of like a Joss Whedon tv series, it has a primary conflict that will get resolved at the end, but like 70% of the actual plots are self-contained adventures. Which carries the advantage of allowing new players to drop in semi-regularly without driving the narrative into a ditch. The premise of the first episode or chapter or mission or whatever you want to call it is that a fairly large ruin has been discovered deep in the wilderness. After resupplying in the Imperial port (and picking up some new Generation B recruits to replace losses taken over the last year of combat), the team is going to go in, kill the cuss out of everything in and near the ruins, and claim it in the name of the Imperium. These ruins appear to have once been some sort of fortress, so the team should be able to use it as a home base after clearing out the current inhabitants. Alchemy If you receive an alchemical infusion within six months or so of birth, you'll grow up manifesting extraordinary powers. These first four infusions are (relatively) common, and Generation A or B soldiers can take them, however they are slightly more effective for Generation B soldiers: Mercury: Speed is four or five times normal Iron: Strength is four or five times normal Lead: Wounds heal at astonishing speeds Copper: Senses greatly enhanced. For iron and mercury, think Spider-Man. For lead, think Wolverine. For copper, think Daredevil. No, this is not a super hero story, but these give approximate benchmarks for what these infusions do. These next three infusions are very rare, and only Generation B soldiers can have them. You can add more to this list if you like, just attach a power to a metal. Of course, new alchemies will be approved on a case-by-case basis. "You can kill anyone you can see" isn't getting approved, for example. Tin: Prescience (you know what will happen a split second before it does) Silver: Telekinesis (you can move things with your mind) Gold: Electricity control (you can manipulate electricity with your mind) Tanirt couldn't stop her hand from shaking. The older, stronger villagers had fled by now, leaving only those too confused, too young, too old, too weak to escape. She pulled the trigger, and again a crack cut through the crackle of flames. The local girl whose neck it tore through was probably about her age, Tanirt thought. And then wished she could stop thinking. She scanned the area on auto-pilot, training drawing her eyes towards another struggling figure, a young boy, no more than about seven years old. Some corner of her mind begged her to just let him go, that no one would know if one child escaped the attack and would it really make a difference anyway? But by the time she'd finished the thought, reflexes had already put a bullet through the boy's chest, punching through his thin body and spilling his intestines on the ground. His screams drowned out everything else in Tanirt's mind, leaving her alone with him while she struggled against her shaking hands to line up the last shot. She couldn't speak his language, but she thought he was probably screaming for his mother as she fired again, taking the boy's head off. And again she wished she could stop thinking. Another scan turned up no sign of any survivors. Mission accomplished. She pulled off the helmet, the heat slamming into her with nearly as much force as the smell of burning corpses. She could almost feel her light skin reddening beneath the fires, while the smell churned her stomach. Her eyes watered from the heat, eliciting a few sobs from her. She stumbled towards the jungle, but didn't make it far before slumping to her knees. Tanirt didn't want to think anymore. Didn't want to think about the burning homes and the burning people and how she'd somehow been scared enough to kill them all without thinking. Didn't want to think about the jungle, and the spartan conditions waiting for her back at camp and how they weren't anything like a real home, like the home she'd just destroyed. Didn't want to think about doing it again tomorrow. So she tucked the barrel of the gun beneath her chin and pulled the trigger. And the gun clicked. Empty. Tanirt screamed in frustration, hurling the weapon away from her, stumbling backwards onto her feet, then falling onto the ground again, pushing herself back on her hands as though she could just back away from the guilt and the pain and the fear, until finally she hit the metal of the bike behind her. Slumped against it, she curled up and closed her eyes and hoped that somehow she wouldn't have to wake up again. --------------- Rules 1) Do I have to say that site rules apply? I mean, duh. 2) Likewise, godmoding, powerplaying, Mary Sue/Gary Stu characters, and everything else that is never allowed in any RP ever is also not allowed in this one. 3) Some characters are young enough to potentially be very immature, have zero oversight on personal behavior, and are in an extremely high-stress situation. As such, it would quite possibly be perfectly in-character to be swearing like a drunken sailor, but don't make a character that's a chore for the rest of us to roleplay with. 4) Sex, on the other hand, is right-out. The story is about a squad of elite soldiers in an age before contraception. Picking up diseases from the locals and getting the female soldiers pregnant are ground for immediate termination of your employment. Also of your self. I'm not averse to romance, but major themes of this thread are war and poverty, so it shouldn't be a main focus. 5) Post your completed sheets below. I tend to be kind of picky about characters meshing with the setting well, so I might ask you to revise some stuff. 6) Please post at least a solid 4-sentence paragraph. 7) Remember that unless you are playing a native, your character was raised from birth as a soldier of the Imperium, with the result that they are going to be heavily indoctrinated. It will not immediately occur to them that they are basically working for Darth Vader. The Imperium's propaganda line is that the natives will benefit from being ruled over by a more civilized nation, and unless something big happens, that's what the soldiers are probably going to believe. 8) Conversely, if you are playing a native, your knowledge of the Imperium, how they created the alchemical soldiers, and how they've subjugated and colonized other regions (and are almost certainly planning to do the same to Aarde), is basically zilch. ---------------- Sheet Name: Age: Generation: (A (older), B (younger), or Native) Description: No pictures. Use your words. Personality: History: This is mostly for natives. Soldiers all have more or less the same history: trained from birth to murder people. You could use this space to fill in some details as to how your character reacts to military life and what the family they were abducted from was like. Skills: Alchemies: You can have five skills and alchemies total. A native is going to have five skills, no alchemy. Generation A soldiers will have 3-4 skills and 1 or 2 alchemies. A Generation B soldier will have 1-2 skills and 3-4 alchemies. A skill can be anything you think might come in handy. Ignore skills like "playing chess" and "basket weaving." If they aren't going to be helpful, you don't need to have a skill for it, you can just have it for free (mention it in your Personality or History sections). Good examples of skills would be combat, survival, engineering, diplomacy, poisons, medicine, beast taming, or demolitions. If you don't have a certain skill, that doesn't mean you can't do something at all. Someone without a combat skill can still throw a punch and might even be pretty tough in a bar fight, they're just not a trained soldier. Example sheet: Name: Tanirt Azulay Age: 16 Generation: B Description: Tanirt could easily pass as a native of Imperium heartlands. She has light skin and blonde hair, with dark brown eyes. Her hair is kept short, and her build is lithe, strong, slender, and almost curveless. She's unusually short, standing just a few inches over five feet. While in the field, she wears a thick leather jacket and pants covered in metal plates over key locations, including the chest, shoulders, and groin, along with heavy steel-toe boots and a face-concealing helmet. When at camp, she'll typically just wear a tank top with the pants. She also has a full dress uniform, but she's not likely to see much use out of it in this godforsaken place. Personality: As much as she can, Tanirt acts on orders, not on emotion, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have any. Far from it, since arriving in Aarde, Tanirt has found herself all too regularly overwhelmed by fear, anxiety, or guilt, which could potentially result in a total meltdown. Tanirt is an aggressive and competitive person, but not zealously so. She values friendship very highly and tends to care a lot about people, and while that's helpful for building unity with her team, feeling bad whenever someone gets hurt in a warzone (on either side no less) has very obvious drawbacks. As a byproduct of being raised to follow orders, Tanirt feels very little control over her fate, and sees life primarily as something that must be endured for the sake of duty. History: Tanirt was seized as an infant from a couple who lived in a town sheltering revolutionaries in a colony near the border with the Imperium. Though she never knew the details of her heritage directly, her name and the open secret that the alchemical soldiers had been abducted from families the Imperium had decided to kill has given her a few clues as to her lineage. It's an ugly enough story that she prefers not to think about it, however. Tanirt's training has been largely unremarkable. She had friends and rivals like all the rest of the soldiers, but never did anything particularly special. Skills: Combat, stealth Alchemies: Mercury, lead, tin Edited November 8, 2012 by DarkLordOfTheNorth Share this post Link to post
Posted November 6, 2012 So is it a good or a bad thing that no one's responding during the approval phase? Share this post Link to post
Posted November 6, 2012 ((It depends. I'd say that in your case it's not terribly bad, considering you don't seem to have many obvious errors and don't seem to have problems regarding lack of information. I'd suggest contacting an approver to have them look over your RP.)) Share this post Link to post
Posted November 7, 2012 Gator's just being kind. It tends to be a bad thing, showing that not enough Approvers are active. For what reasons, we don't know. But, as a former Approver, I can help you out and preen this into a diamond so they can just insta-Approve. My first suggestion is to simply make your breaks into new subjects more obvious. Separate your Rules and Form a bit more, as an example. It looks more organized, and is a helluva lot easier to read. Check out The World of Ash for an example on the organization thing. If you'd like me to read it through thoroughly, shoot me a PM, I'd be glad to give a good critique. Share this post Link to post
Posted November 7, 2012 (edited) Should be more readable now that the italics have been split into two different spots instead of scattered throughout every single section. Edited November 7, 2012 by DarkLordOfTheNorth Share this post Link to post
Posted November 7, 2012 (edited) Alright, I'll throw a map together. That might take a while, though. EDIT: Actually, no, that was pretty quick. Cool. Edited November 8, 2012 by DarkLordOfTheNorth Share this post Link to post
Posted November 8, 2012 Map looks good! I'll go ahead and approve this. Have fun roleplaying! Share this post Link to post
Posted November 9, 2012 ((Dark, is there a certain way that you want us to put in our Apps? I sent mine to you via PM, but would you want it to be posted instead?)) Share this post Link to post
Posted November 9, 2012 I mentioned in the rules to post them in the thread. Share this post Link to post
Posted November 9, 2012 Username: Kokay Name: Rodd Welthers Age: 19 Generation: A Description: Rodd stands at 5'11". He has a long, thin appearance. Though it looks like he hasn't got much muscle to him, if someone was to look at him closely, they'd see this is false. He has a lean build, but is thoroughly muscular. Rodd's skin is pale and practically flawless. His eyes are dark brown, so much so that it's near impossible to see his pupils. His hair is jet black. He keeps his facial hair from his face, and is always cleanly shaven. Rodd's hair is a bit longer than the regular crew cut hair style. His teeth are all but perfect, crooked here and there. In regards to his attire, Rodd often wears a lightweight, but entirely functional leather and metal mix. The metal covers the most vulnerable parts of his body, without restricting movement. It is covered by the nylon like material. The whole get up is a skin tight black. He has a see through mask of the same material. This material, while offering no defense, dries fast and keeps him adequately warm when needed. When not in the field, Rodd wears a plain white tank top, and pale blue slacks. Personality: Rodd comes off as a grumpy person. He tends to make jokes at others' expense and doesn't seem to notice when he's gone too far. Though he talks a big game and usually follows through with his promises. He likes to be considered a man of his word. Rodd isn't really a cold person, but he does prefer to be considered unapproachable. In this way, he avoids problems with others who would give him trouble. He has a kind soul and is troubled due to this. He believes that having a caring heart in this line of work makes him weak. Rodd's sense of humor is morbid, to say the least. He finds humor in that which, in most cases, is not at all funny. Friendship is important to him, and he tends to go out of his way to help people. He shows this kindness, however, only to the men and women he has been taught to see as good. History: Rodd wasn't told anything of his family. This never bothered him, either. He was born, taken, and made into so much more than he had been before. This was a blessing and nothing more. He adapted well, almost too well, to the life of a soldier. He contains his emotions well, no matter whether he feels them or not. When it comes down to the nitty gritty, he has always showed himself as the perfect person to trust. Skills: Demolitions expert, combat, and non-lethal neutralization of near any targets Alchemies: Lead, and Copper ((Sorry, I've been reading over a lot of RP's lately. Missed that you wanted it here.)) Share this post Link to post
Posted November 9, 2012 Okay, Rodd works as written, so that's cool. We'll probably need at least one more person to get started. Share this post Link to post
Posted November 10, 2012 (edited) Username: Gator Name: Fegaen Havirti Age: 18 Generation: A Description: At 5'7," Fegaen is slightly short for his age, and his body is rather small and compact with most of his height coming from a long torso, which is a good inch or two longer than his legs. His body as a whole is bulky with thick muscle, leaving his weight to be a good bit more than normal for his height. His back is often held upright in a stiff manner and his broad shoulders pull back, giving himself a very uptight and strict appearance. A slightly long rectangular face rests on top of a neck that's just slightly too thick and just slightly too long. His nose, which is slightly bent towards the left side, curves slightly outward at the bridge and comes to a round end. His eyes are a light, bright blue that lie just under fair reddish eyebrows, and his gently curled hair, which he keeps at about one and a half inches long, is a light brownish-red color. When Fegaen smiles he reveals reasonably straight teeth, though several of them have been replaced with silver ones, including his top right canine, his bottom left lateral incisor and his bottom right first premolar. Fegaen wears black leather boots that resemble WWI combat boots, which go half way up the calf of thick canvas-like blue-grey pants which have a variety of pockets on them for storing any manner of things. Fegaen doesn't have metal anywhere on his jacket. Instead, the thick jacket is made of black leather and has a very military-like vibe to it. Around his waist, the jacket cinches in so that he's not left with excess space to get in the way. His hands most always have gloves on them, though it is not usual of him to wear a mask or face-covering of any sort. When he's not on duty, he'll wear a generic maroon shirt and charcoal slacks. Personality: Many people only see Fegaen as the strict, unforgiving, and a hard-ass self he will be when he's on duty, but there is a better side to him somewhere deep inside, a better side that comes out when he is not faced with what is asked of him and when he is allowed some amount of relaxation. With the experience he has, he acts like he knows best even if he doesn't, and he's not keen on having his pride injured if anyone suggests that he doesn't know what he's doing, so anyone who dares to do this to him better watch for his wrath, which will come relatively quickly and once is dealt out, is forgotten. He is not one to ever hold grudges, and it's pretty clear he lives in the here and the know, not caring much about his future, for who's to know if he even has one, what with all this going on? Aside from a few things that could tweak his pride, Fegaen does not have much of a temper, and is fine with letting things slide. Of course, if anything causes him to lose his temper, it will flare up with a quick burst of violence before it is subdued once more. Generally, at least when he's not on duty, he laughs easy and enjoys joking around with others. He's typically very friendly during these periods of time, though he does still have a hint of his strictness, though in a more fatherly-like way where he looks after the younger ones and make sure they stay out of trouble, which undoubtedly can lead to some major personality clashes. His advice is something that's given all too regularly, and he has no qualms with shoving it down someone's throat. Perhaps the most disturbing thing about him, however, is the fact that he sleeps easily at night; his dreams are not disturbed by nightmares of those he’s killed or the destruction in his wake. Instead he sleeps soundly, softly snoring through the night while others are completely unable to sleep at all for fear of the wretched things that plague their minds. No, the killing is all too easy for him now. There was a time when he had broken down just like everyone else, but that time has long gone and is replaced with a cold, though slightly remorseful, glance as he vanquishes the life of those he’s asked to annihilate. It’s a good thing for what’s required of him, for this is what is expected of him and all that he knows. The eternity of just a year has completely changed him into the kind of soldier the Imperium would want; he’s detached, strong, and practically brainwashed to believe that in some twisted way that he’s doing the right thing. It’s this belief that keeps him going. He thinks that all of this will result in unity and the betterment of society. It’s this belief that keeps him as sane as he possibly can be. His sanity is questionable, considering the lack of empathy he’s been feeling lately, but it’s not as bad as it could be; he hasn’t gone into a full-out mental breakdown in a long time, though that’s not clear if it’s because he’s gotten used to it or because he’s merely holding all of his emotions within himself. His line of thought, to refrain from thinking about what he is doing, helps with the attempt at not cracking and falling to pieces like some of those around him. History: Fegaen has been told he had a family that was dirt poor, had far too many children, and besides, they were abusive. He's been convinced that this life is far better than the one he's leaving behind, even if it’s not really. As a result, he's grateful for the opportunity to do something that makes a difference. Skills: Combat, parkour and survival Alchemies: Lead and Iron. Edited November 16, 2012 by Packgoater Share this post Link to post
Posted November 11, 2012 (edited) There are two minor issues with Fegaen. First, hand-to-hand combat is an unnecessarily specific skill. Tanirt and Rodd get the exact same thing with the combat skill, in addition to being able to shoot a gun straight and toss grenades. Having hand-to-hand combat alone is something that would make sense for natives, who can justify being really good at something very specific because their background isn't pre-determined at all, but a soldier in an age of ranged warfare isn't going to be taught close-range techniques at the expense of being good at ranged combat. More pressingly, the opening post says this about Generation A soldiers: they have no supernatural powers beyond being exceptionally strong, fast, tough, etc. etc., but have the advantage of a year or so of veterancy. But Fegaen, a Generation B soldier, is given the year or so veterancy anyway. Alchemies, especially the advanced ones, are better than skills. The only reason Generation B soldiers don't completely show up everyone else is because they still tend to fall apart under pressure (for various reasons), take that away and they upstage the other characters. Fegaen would probably work better as Generation A, since that gives him the extra skills needed to get his combat specialty in without wrecking him as an effective combatant and it meshes much better with his backstory. Edited November 11, 2012 by DarkLordOfTheNorth Share this post Link to post
Posted November 11, 2012 ((Alright, I get the hand-to-hand combat thing, but let me explain a little something in my form. Though I do mention him not believing he was just fourteen, this was less meant as 'he was sent in at fourteen,' which would give him the year of veterancy that you speak of, and more to suggest the time before he was sent forth, the time in which he wasn't actively out on the battlegrounds and the contrast between that time and now. I'd assume that a year or so before they are released onto the battlegrounds a more intensive training would begin, just to up the anti and make sure they're ready. That would've been relatively hard, but compared to what they're going through now, it's like nothing. Also, just because he appears to sleep easy and just because he hold his emotions in does not mean they're not there, nor that hey won't come out. Not every generation B will melt down every single time, and he's decent at suppressing his feelings, by that's judging storing them internally for later, meaning that when he does break down, which he certainly will, it can and likely will be in a more severe and extreme way. To be honest, I have no problems switching him to B. I did figure, however, that since generation A soldiers tend to be more rare than Generation B, you'd want another Generation B. It's no problem, really. I suppose I just want to make sure you don't think I'm an idiot and/or thought I didn't take the time to read your rp, because I did have some thought behind what I was typing, even if dulled by my own weariness. Which also explains why my form is so short. I should go edit that. Share this post Link to post
Posted November 11, 2012 I think I mentioned earlier that the majority of character sheets for my RPs need some tweaking before I accept them. It isn't because people are stupid or apathetic (well, I guess I should clarify, it is usually not because they're stupid or apathetic), but just because I want to make sure characters will mesh well with the world and themes of the RP in advance. It always makes me feel kind of like I'm picking on people and I hate that, but when I don't do it I end up with a huge mess of problems, usually of the sort which kill the RP early. The thing that makes it sound like he's already been deployed is that the history explicitly refers to shooting at people. You don't shoot at people in training. Share this post Link to post
Posted November 12, 2012 (edited) Name:Blake Repulcate Age: Generation: B Description: 6'5 feet. He has blue eyes, a very round blonde buzz cut. He isn't bulky almost at all. His muscles can be felt and barely shown if he flexes. He is quiet skinny, and balanced, almost a symmetric body, only difference being scars here and there. His face isn't really defined. It's well rounded and followed an easily drawn sketch. He has no real age marks, and looks almost like he 20 or older. When in combat, he tends to use an easily blended steel and leather mix. The steel covers the more important places, those being the shoulders, knees, heart, and crotch pad. The leather mostly covers the rest of his body, those parts being leggings, and a shirt. The helmet or visor as he likes to call it, covers his face, head, not the eyes nor ears. When not in combat, he wears denim pants and a suede jacket. His shirt is grey in front, and brown on the lower back. He wears a weird watch on his wrist that goes counter clockwise, even when set, is unable to go regular clockwise. Personality: While feeling he was trained to be a cold steeled killer, he only applies that in the field, not at base, where he imagines, not manages, that he has no guilt, but would probably have a breakdown on the next mission. He is curious in the behavior of the natives though. Them fighting each other, just to settle a silly feud, and not fight a force that could crush the living life out of them seems too stupid to him. When in the field, the three times he's been, he usually tries to keep the other soldier on task. When alone, however, he follows his job as if he was a B generation soldier, having breakdowns from time to every-time, when not getting hurt from the mismatched choice of armor and barely being able to get there at all. Besides most of this, and when not in the field, he is very calm and relaxed, in most cases, able to rub that off onto other people. Besides that, he does like the Imperium. History: Blake's family wasn't exactly a good match for him, and he was probably better off with the Imperium then his family. The Imperium tells him worse then what really was, but he believes every word of it as if it was his own. Lately though, he has given up that anger, holding one secret place in his mind that is let out when in combat or rage. When in his most recent tribe annihilation, he was very calm. They seemed like survivors from other attacks by an A or a team of Bs. He had no problem taking them down, knowing, or thinking, that them living was a failure of a force better then him. He took down everyone, not thinking until the end that he had bettered a better. He latter had a breakdown at base. Skills: Advanced engineering. Combat in a generalized way. Alchemies: Lead, Copper, and Tin. Edited November 14, 2012 by 9pmg5665 Share this post Link to post
Posted November 12, 2012 The problem isn't really how long it takes to explain the problems with a sheet, but how crippling they are...And some of the problems on Blake's sheet are pretty crippling. His skills suffer from overspecialization (Tanirt and Rodd can also shoot a sniper rifle, but they can shoot regular rifles too and it makes not a lick of sense that Blake can't). He's a Generation B soldier, with an advanced alchemy no less, who is explicitly flat-out ignoring the emotional instability that is their biggest drawback by far. Probably most importantly is that unlike Rodd or Fegaen, Blake doesn't really seem to mesh with the theme or tone of the RP at all. He's got a weird obsession with a stereotypical "funny" animal that makes up like half of his personality, apparently requires quirky motivation (because I guess "we will shoot you if you do not pull your weight" wasn't enough?) to get him to go through with anything, and the trauma and indoctrination central to the alchemical soldiers is basically just given lip service. Overall the main emotional thrust of the character seems to be vacillating between "stable emotional foundation of the group" and "wacky," the former of which makes little sense for a Generation B soldier (who are very explicitly supposed to be less stable than the veterans) and the latter of which doesn't really have any place in this RP even if it wasn't really hard to reconcile with the former. I don't like sounding mean, but yeah, the sheet basically needs a complete rewrite and the whole concept might be totally unworkable. Share this post Link to post
Posted November 12, 2012 (( So while I have edited, I have not exactly pinpointed every detail of problem that you have mention. I have gotten rid of the platypus thing, well, most of it, but I didn't see that it made up most of my personality. Maybe the description, and that's where the little that's left is. To the rifles. I'm not understanding why Blake wouldn't be able to use rifles. I thought that it wouldn't have to be said. That the training for that would be mandatory. I would have put gun-shooting, but that would be meaningless, as it would be specified for which gun. Now I understand that the other characters can use sniper-rifles, but I don't see why Blake couldn't. The rest I understand finely. No need to explain the rest of that.)) Share this post Link to post
Posted November 12, 2012 (edited) ((I, uh, got a little carried away with the whole editing thing and kind of completely changed my character. Some of the stuff is the same, but... revamped? He's now generation A, and everything should now be in order to make sense with this RP. Hopefully.)) Edited November 12, 2012 by Packgoater Share this post Link to post
Posted November 13, 2012 New Fegaen is good. In fact, he can have another skill if you want one. You've only got four skills and alchemies total. @9pmg: The reason combat skills aren't assumed is because of natives. It's totally possible to make a native character who is not a trained killer. I listed "combat" as the very first example of a skill and explicitly said people without it weren't trained soldiers, so I'm not sure why that's coming as a surprise to you. Honestly, the patch-job you've done on the sheet hasn't really fixed much. I meant it when I said the sheet probably needs a total rewrite, not just five words changed and a few sentences yanked out. His personality is still pinballing back and forth between two or three different characters, made worse since you've tacked on the traumatic breakdowns without bothering to integrate them with the rest of the character. When in a group he apparently holds together well enough to not only do his own job but can also spare the effort to try and keep the other soldiers to stay on task, but when alone he breaks down every single outing, and also he won't even do his job in the first place unless threatened with death or offered reward or whatever? Not only does it make no sense for the Imperium to send someone who needs constant oversight into a theater with none whatsoever, those three personality traits do not reconcile with each other at all. Whatever character you're trying to make is not coming through in what you've written. Share this post Link to post
Posted November 13, 2012 So then say I changed him into a native. Then change ten words, and pull, put in, and replace a few sentences. Then would that be a bit better? Share this post Link to post
Posted November 14, 2012 ((Okay, cool. For a third skill, would a parkour-like ability be acceptable?)) Share this post Link to post
Posted November 14, 2012 (edited) Yeah, some kind of acrobatics or parkour or whatever type skill would be fine. Blake's problem is not that he is foreign. The character's problem is that he's trying to keep soldiers on task in one sentence and then in the next it takes a death threat to get on task himself. Those are contradictory personality traits. Switching him to native means he no longer has a built-in motivation and source of training, and having to add those in seems like it would probably only compound the problem of his personality traits not really meshing with one another. You can switch him to native, sure, but doing that won't solve any of the problems on the sheet right now. Edited November 14, 2012 by DarkLordOfTheNorth Share this post Link to post
Posted November 14, 2012 That actually does pinpoint my mistakes. Thank you. I shall edit really, really soon. Share this post Link to post
Recommended Posts