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Mousia

Comment and Critique

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Critiques? Compliments? Requests? All are welcome.

 

Here's some of my work.

 

A bit darker:

 

Sweet Rain

 

Sky's dark with clouds

Raindrops pound the Earth

The dead cry tears of joy

They get to drink in the mourning

They know they are missed

With the blare of a car horn and skid

of jet-black tires

I join them

I absorb the rain in my casket

Until I wake again

 

Edited version:

 

Sweet Rain

 

Sky dark with clouds

Raindrops pound the Earth

They are the dead's joyous tears

They drink in the mourning

They know they are missed

With the blare of a car horn and skid

of jet-black tires

I join them

I absorb the rain in my casket

Until I wake again

 

Malpractice

 

The practice was tainted

The blood on her hands has dried

The syringe is thrown again

Useless

Lonely

 

The family wants to see

Their dead

It is not possible

The patient will not be seen

Doc's malpractice will be uncovered

 

If the corpse

Reaches it's new home

Her secrets will be buried

She could continue

 

The casket arrives an hour later

Body's dressed and sewn back up

Family grieves and cries and moans

Little do they know

He's still there

 

He'll watch forever

He'll show them what she did

He'll make sure he's not buried

Without her in another casket

 

Happier stuff:

 

Cold Dreams

 

Sun's light bounces off skin

The baby's first taste of it

He cries with the heat

A worried mother soothes him

With a voice of angels

 

Quiet

Birds can't stop spewing compliments

Breaking the beautiful silence

Happy noise

The world bursts into life

 

The baby laughs

Mother and sun smile

Together

Everything was worthwhile

 

Too bad

Just a dream

Cut short

Leaving the nursery cold

But mother and son still smile

Edited by Mousia

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Love Malpractice! I really don't know much about poetry so sadly I am useless for critiques, but can at least offer compliments :0)

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Oh, thank you! I spent the most time on Malpractice. xd.png

I'm glad you like it.

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For Sweet Rain, may I suggest changing "Sky's dark with clouds" to "Sky dark with clouds"? I think taking out that apostrophe + s will make it flow a bit better.

 

However, very nice poems. Subtle tinges of darkness, great work!

 

~tufted

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Oh, that's just how I speak. XP Like...Sky is dark... as opposed to Sky dark... I might change it, though.

 

Thank you for the compliments. I am a little tough on myself, so this makes me happy. Things seem to be going well tonight.

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I have to agree. It's best to avoid contractions in formal writing, or if the tone is serious.

 

The rain imagery in your first poem is good.

 

Sky's dark with clouds

Raindrops pound the Earth

The dead cry tears of joy

 

This part, you need to tie it more together.

 

Are you trying to get across the image that the dead are in heaven and their tears are the rain? Because it seems a sudden jump from nature to all the sudden dead people.

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I have to agree. It's best to avoid contractions in formal writing, or if the tone is serious.

 

The rain imagery in your first poem is good.

 

Sky's dark with clouds

Raindrops pound the Earth

The dead cry tears of joy

 

This part, you need to tie it more together.

 

Are you trying to get across the image that the dead are in heaven and their tears are the rain? Because it seems a sudden jump from nature to all the sudden dead people.

M'kay. /was too lazy to edit post

 

Thanks, Walker; that means a lot.

 

I think I meant that the rain was tears.

 

~

 

ADP: Oh... Brain derp... (I don't know why my brain has been acting stupid with it's and its lately, I know the difference).

 

~

 

sparkle: Thank you so much! Oh, yeah. I don't even know where Malpractice came from. My imagination is so dark.

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Malpractice is amazing. Such an interesting notion! o3o

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Malpractice is amazing. Such an interesting notion! o3o

xd.png Thanks. That means a lot to me. smile.gif

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Oh wow, poetry! Poetry is awesome.

 

So, the first one speaks about the thoughts of a man/woman, who was hit by a car and not being able to survive. This one is pretty good.

 

The second one speaks about doctor's, as title says, malpractice. She is not skilled (or is she?), and due to that, she actually kills the patient. Knowing that she is done for, if the corpse is examined by specialists, she effectively sews it back up and lies to patient's parents (just my guess). HOWEVER... Detective, anyone?

This one is the best of all three, IMO.

 

And the third one speaks about mother calming down her child via singing about nature (again, just my guess). Pretty well written too.

 

Keep it up!

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