Posted August 2, 2012 (edited) Critiques? Compliments? Requests? All are welcome. Here's some of my work. A bit darker: Sweet Rain Sky's dark with clouds Raindrops pound the Earth The dead cry tears of joy They get to drink in the mourning They know they are missed With the blare of a car horn and skid of jet-black tires I join them I absorb the rain in my casket Until I wake again Edited version: Sweet Rain Sky dark with clouds Raindrops pound the Earth They are the dead's joyous tears They drink in the mourning They know they are missed With the blare of a car horn and skid of jet-black tires I join them I absorb the rain in my casket Until I wake again Malpractice The practice was tainted The blood on her hands has dried The syringe is thrown again Useless Lonely The family wants to see Their dead It is not possible The patient will not be seen Doc's malpractice will be uncovered If the corpse Reaches it's new home Her secrets will be buried She could continue The casket arrives an hour later Body's dressed and sewn back up Family grieves and cries and moans Little do they know He's still there He'll watch forever He'll show them what she did He'll make sure he's not buried Without her in another casket Happier stuff: Cold Dreams Sun's light bounces off skin The baby's first taste of it He cries with the heat A worried mother soothes him With a voice of angels Quiet Birds can't stop spewing compliments Breaking the beautiful silence Happy noise The world bursts into life The baby laughs Mother and sun smile Together Everything was worthwhile Too bad Just a dream Cut short Leaving the nursery cold But mother and son still smile Edited August 22, 2012 by Mousia Share this post Link to post
Posted August 2, 2012 Love Malpractice! I really don't know much about poetry so sadly I am useless for critiques, but can at least offer compliments :0) Share this post Link to post
Posted August 2, 2012 Oh, thank you! I spent the most time on Malpractice. I'm glad you like it. Share this post Link to post
Posted August 21, 2012 For Sweet Rain, may I suggest changing "Sky's dark with clouds" to "Sky dark with clouds"? I think taking out that apostrophe + s will make it flow a bit better. However, very nice poems. Subtle tinges of darkness, great work! ~tufted Share this post Link to post
Posted August 21, 2012 Oh, that's just how I speak. XP Like...Sky is dark... as opposed to Sky dark... I might change it, though. Thank you for the compliments. I am a little tough on myself, so this makes me happy. Things seem to be going well tonight. Share this post Link to post
Posted August 21, 2012 I have to agree. It's best to avoid contractions in formal writing, or if the tone is serious. The rain imagery in your first poem is good. Sky's dark with clouds Raindrops pound the Earth The dead cry tears of joy This part, you need to tie it more together. Are you trying to get across the image that the dead are in heaven and their tears are the rain? Because it seems a sudden jump from nature to all the sudden dead people. Share this post Link to post
Posted August 21, 2012 "If the corpse Reaches it's new home Her secrets will be buried She could continue" Should be "its new home." Share this post Link to post
Posted August 22, 2012 I have to agree. It's best to avoid contractions in formal writing, or if the tone is serious. The rain imagery in your first poem is good. Sky's dark with clouds Raindrops pound the Earth The dead cry tears of joy This part, you need to tie it more together. Are you trying to get across the image that the dead are in heaven and their tears are the rain? Because it seems a sudden jump from nature to all the sudden dead people. M'kay. /was too lazy to edit post Thanks, Walker; that means a lot. I think I meant that the rain was tears. ~ ADP: Oh... Brain derp... (I don't know why my brain has been acting stupid with it's and its lately, I know the difference). ~ sparkle: Thank you so much! Oh, yeah. I don't even know where Malpractice came from. My imagination is so dark. Share this post Link to post
Posted August 5, 2013 Malpractice is amazing. Such an interesting notion! o3o Share this post Link to post
Posted August 5, 2013 Malpractice is amazing. Such an interesting notion! o3o Thanks. That means a lot to me. Share this post Link to post
Posted August 6, 2013 Oh wow, poetry! Poetry is awesome. So, the first one speaks about the thoughts of a man/woman, who was hit by a car and not being able to survive. This one is pretty good. The second one speaks about doctor's, as title says, malpractice. She is not skilled (or is she?), and due to that, she actually kills the patient. Knowing that she is done for, if the corpse is examined by specialists, she effectively sews it back up and lies to patient's parents (just my guess). HOWEVER... Detective, anyone? This one is the best of all three, IMO. And the third one speaks about mother calming down her child via singing about nature (again, just my guess). Pretty well written too. Keep it up! Share this post Link to post
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