Read my Story?

[LotusCalm]

http://figment.com/books/390440-Stalked

 

 

I decided to enter a story I wrote on a contest on Figment, but, alas, it's one of those contests where you can win simply by showing it to a lot of people. The ten people with the most hearts on their stories win.

I don't LIKE telling people to look at it just to give it a heart, I like them to READ it. So instead of putting it on Facebook, or something, I wondered if you guys would read my story and maybe tell me what you think. And yes, if you like it, give it a heart.

 

Seriously, though, I do like tips on how to improve it and whatnot.

 

Here it is: http://figment.com/books/390440-Stalked

 

[Mousia]

Wow. That was...amazing. I think the paragraphs at the start of the piece could be a bit longer and there could be a bit more details about the character. Still, it is a great piece. You will go places.

Edited July 27, 2012 by Mousia

[Walker]

The choppy sentences work for the speaker. It's scattered and panicked writing, almost like the obviously paranoid speaker. I do like that detail. I also like the hidden commentary on the power of the author; however, unless the audience is composed entirely of other authors, it might not connect so well to the larger audience. Most people don't feel a rush when they write, or know what it's like to have that sort of power over a character.

 

You have a spelling mistake in there:

 

"There are so many people, and yet most mange to be at least somewhat polite."

 

Also, I like the detail that the stalkers name is Temperance. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, but the meaning of the words is moderation and self-control, which I'm sure you know, but it suits the eerie sense of calm the character exudes and contrasts well with the main protagnist, which is anything BUT temperance.

 

If I have any other thoughts, I'll let you know. That's about it for now.

Edited July 27, 2012 by Walker

[PointOfOrigin]

Pretty much, what Walker said, but I would like to add that the last paragraph is out of place, mainly because you are breaking the fourth wall.

[HawktalonOfRiverClan]

I loved it. Creepy but amazing. The beginning has an almost poetic feel that draws you in and builds up suspense. It has a haunting plot, and you did a wonderful job of conveying the speaker's feelings. The ending is really deep as well. I gave you a heart for it. Good job.

Edited July 27, 2012 by HawktalonOfRiverClan

[LotusCalm]

Thanks, all of you. :-) I really do appreciate the constructive criticism.

 

And... you know, I didn't actually do that intentionally with Temperance-- which is actually a pen name, I didn't mention that-- but I'm sure she did that on purpose. Ah, characters. They have a life of their own sometimes...