Posted July 5, 2012 And she has some more. This girl is bursting with ideas Share this post Link to post
Posted July 7, 2012 (edited) In the first sentence, the comma should be a colon. Until one day you begin to feel sick. This is a sentence fragment, which means it's incorrect. Try combining it with a sentence around it. Until one day you begin to feel sick. Your head begins to spin. The collapse. All these sentences are too choppy. Try making them flow a bit more. (I believe I mentioned choppiness a time or two before, as well.) You enter the dream state. You enter Wonderland. You're basically repeating yourself here. Choose one, nix the other. To die there, would be to die on Earth. Remove this comma. Once you enter Wonderland the first time, there is no going back. You told me specifically that you CAN go back. You've got a lot of contradictions between what you've been commenting on and what you've put in the OP. Might wanna double check that. You seem to be less on Earth. You seem more "Away with the fairies". These can be combined easily. May help the paragraph flow a bit. Scientists want to study you, to find a way to stop you from going to Wonderland, but to stop you going there would be like to stop you living at all. Keep the tense consistent. (Past, Present, Future.) You'll want to either switch this to future tense or revert the whole section into present tense. Over the last few days, the children who have been there longer have been noticing disturbances. If you can only go once, how are some children there longer? Do all children leave after they spend the same amount of time in Wonderland? Do some stay for months, while others only stay for a week? Explain. Prowling the forests, by night and day, is the creature, Wonderland's biggest defense. This mass of teeth, claws, and weapons has a hunger to kill. This... thing has been sent out to destroy this place. Why would the last defense of Wonderland want to destroy the thing it's supposed to be defending? Edited July 7, 2012 by Mikki Share this post Link to post
Posted July 7, 2012 There's a form in the OP to submit new species, so i would assume yes. Share this post Link to post
Posted July 8, 2012 (edited) @Mikki, Editing now... I'm getting confused myself But I'm not giving up! @Flowerol, Yep, you can create any creatures of plants or birds or anything you want! Edited July 8, 2012 by Shadowwolf6 Share this post Link to post
Posted July 10, 2012 (edited) Wonderland; a world where only children can go. Semicolon( ; ) needs to be a colon( : ). Fix that and I'll Approve this. Edited July 10, 2012 by gistofeverything Share this post Link to post
Posted July 10, 2012 ((Sounds like it. Congratulations! <3 Gist is offline at the moment, I believe, but I'm sure she'll get to it when she gets on.)) Share this post Link to post
Posted July 10, 2012 ((Yaaaaaayyyy Might use one of my previous posts for a reserve, for forms)) Share this post Link to post
Posted July 10, 2012 (edited) ((Thank you gist!)) Shey pulled back the string of her make-shift bow. The feathers blooming from the end of the shaft almost tickled her nose. She took aim. The small group of sarna were still grazing. Their lookout not noticing a single thing. The sarna she was targetting was young, but it's legs were malformed. One of the hind ones dragged after it when it moved. Her instuctors words echoed in her head. "Always go after the weak, old or injured". That was the way the wolf hunted. Only taking down the weakest. Letting a herd thrive. Shey let the arrow fly. It buried its self deep into the creature's calf. Blood oozing out. It cried out in pain, sending the rest of the heard fleeing. She cursed a bit, before loading another arrow, this one digging into it's neck. Edited July 10, 2012 by Shadowwolf6 Share this post Link to post
Posted July 11, 2012 ((Yay!)) Lauren blinked. From behind a tree, she had been starring at an Icasta running through the brush. With the small... Pointy stick she had created yesterday, she aimed her throw. It was a quiet a healthy Icasta, and the only one she had seen all day. It's body would go excellent for a flag and another pointy stick. Or something else, maybe some bait for fishing once she crafted a fishing rod? Throwing the pointy stick, it caught itself on the Icasta's foot. Yes! Lauren thought before running to the struggling Icasta, whom was now limping/walking with blood flowing out of it's foot. Lifting it up, Lauren quickly thought a quick sorry, which she accidentally whispered too, and dug into her pockets. A couple of rocks sliced at the Icasta would prove one of the most quickest deaths she could do right now. Though, seeing as she hardly even convinced herself of this, that would be a long time from now. Share this post Link to post
Posted July 11, 2012 Shey smiled to herself, watching the sarna fall. She leapt up from the bush, hand clutched around the bow. She skidded in a spray or wet mud as she neared the sarna. She pulled the two arrows out as carefully as she could, trying to avoid tearing too much of the meat. Eyeing the large horns, she lifted the creature onto her shoulder. She grimaced slightly, not really wanting to do this, and starting making her way back to her makeshift camp. Share this post Link to post
Posted July 13, 2012 Already at her little hut before Shey get to her camp, Lauren was just going out again after cutting up the Icasta. She was going to a river she had found yesterday when she passed Shey's camp. Not thinking, she decided to go inside to check it out a little. Share this post Link to post
Posted July 13, 2012 Shey wandered through the hot, humid air. She parted vines, pushed through gaps. Until she came back to her camp. She slid the sarna from her shoulder, watching it fall to the ground again. She heard a slight movement. Something was in her camp. Shey made a face, creeping into the cover of the trees that surrounded the camp. She pulled her bow from her back, loading an arrow. Well, at least she would have more to eat... She only hoped it wasn't anything too nasty. Share this post Link to post
Posted July 15, 2012 Noting the structure amd insides of the camp, Lauren looked around. Feeling the edges and jagged spots while humming. The thing who lived here must have been nearby, that was easy to tell just by scent. Either that or that was the thing's scent nearby. This thing must have been here for awhile... She thought whole patting one of the wall structures. Share this post Link to post
Posted July 15, 2012 Shey crept aorund the camp, moving to a spot where she could probably get a clear shot. She saw the thing inside the tent. Letting out a warning cry, she prepared to fire at it. She took a stpe back, pulling the bow-string back. The feathers on the end of her crude arrow drawing back to her cheek. Share this post Link to post
Posted July 16, 2012 ((This sounds awsome, I most likely join but later Im busy right now ")) Share this post Link to post
Posted July 16, 2012 ((I'm going to join! Username:SoiledLove Name:Isa Gender:Female Age:14 Age they appear in Wonderland:18 What country they come from:Japan Appearance:Click here Personality:RP'd out History:She has been learning archery ever since she was five. Other:she can't speak and is really good with a bow Username:SoiledLove Name:Lea Gender:Male, yes, he is a boy Age:15 Age they appear in Wonderland:25 What country they come from:England Appearance:Click here for both Personality: RP'd out History:he can from a family of knights and was taught how to survive in the wild. He was also taught a lot of fighting techniques. Other:one of the first in wonderland, is good in physical combat Username:SoiledLove Name:Skarr Gender:male Age:17 Age they appear in Wonderland:23 What country they come from:Canada Appearance:Click here Personality: RP'd out History:he has always loved animals and been really good with them. He has more animal friends than human friends. Sad. Other:one of the first in wonderland and he has a way with animals. He is a vegetarian. Has a pet huzzard. There you go)) Share this post Link to post
Posted July 16, 2012 ((I'm going to join! Username:SoiledLove Name:Isa Gender:Female Age:14 Age they appear in Wonderland:18 What country they come from:Japan Appearance:Click here Personality:RP'd out History:She has been learning archery ever since she was five. Other:she can't speak and is really good with a bow Username:SoiledLove Name:Lea Gender:Male, yes, he is a boy Age:15 Age they appear in Wonderland:25 What country they come from:England Appearance:Click here for both Personality: RP'd out History:he can from a family of knights and was taught how to survive in the wild. He was also taught a lot of fighting techniques. Other:one of the first in wonderland, is good in physical combat Username:SoiledLove Name:Skarr Gender:male Age:17 Age they appear in Wonderland:23 What country they come from:Canada Appearance:Click here Personality: RP'd out History:he has always loved animals and been really good with them. He has more animal friends than human friends. Sad. Other:one of the first in wonderland and he has a way with animals. He is a vegetarian. Has a pet huzzard. There you go)) ((All accepted, but on the last, do you mean Buzzard?)) Share this post Link to post
Recommended Posts