Posted August 18, 2012 Why did they choose only the younger volunteers? Because they are easier to munipulate. Share this post Link to post
Posted August 18, 2012 Okay, thank you. One last minute thing: There were a lot of questioned ethics as to what they do, but they kept the public in the dark even with all of their eco-friendly products, campaigns, and commercials. - "questioned ethics as to what they do" doesn't make sense. "questions about what they do" or just plain "questioned ethics" would be better, or you can put both or them in there -> "There were a lot of questioned ethics and confusion about what they do..." Alrighty, I'm done picking on you (jokes). I'll get an approver now. Share this post Link to post
Posted August 19, 2012 (edited) I contacted an RP mod. She said there were a few more things to smooth out. So, here I am again. A few more things I've caught: Humans had long since avoided the 2012 disaster with the help of dragon and human earth friendly partnerships. - Add “both” before “dragon and human”. There were a lot of questioned ethics and confusion about what they do, but they kept the public in the dark even with all of their eco-friendly products, campaigns, and commercials. - “were” is referring to “ethics” but to “confusion” as well. “there were confusion” doesn’t work. A way to fix this, and keep both parts of the sentence in here, would be to rephrase the idea. -> “There was a lot of confusion about what they do, and their ethics were questioned as well, but they kept the public in the dark with all of their eco-friendly products, campaigns, and commercials.” - Also, just so that there is no misunderstanding as I correct this, do you you mean that the products, campaigns, and commercials distracted the people, or do you mean that the intention of the commercials and products are hidden? Three of those partnerships grew to become the top eco-friendly corporations of USA. There were a lot of questioned ethics and confusion about what they do, but they kept the public in the dark even with all of their eco-friendly products, campaigns, and commercials. These three major corporations were called Itexicore, Veilsand, and Draconite. - Move “These three major corporations were called Itexicore, Veilsand, and Draconite” right after “Three of those partnerships grew to become the top eco-friendly corporations of USA.” The paragraph would flow better. The public wasn't too suspicious, not at all, what was the harm? - “what was the harm?” should be a separate sentence. The chosen "volunteers" were caged brutally and beaten into submission. - Move “brutally” after the “and”. It’s more common for people to say “brutally beaten” than “brutally caged”. Only chosen few were reconfigured with Dragon DNA, and they were never seen much, if at all. - Add “a” before “chosen few”. Some even developed elemental powers or could transform into animals. - Rephrase time. “Some could transform into animals, or even use elemental powers.” Better flow, you know. “even” is used to state something even more dramatic than the last thing you mentioned. Therefore, it should be moved after the other power which you implied is not as dramatic as the elemental powers. You need to find a way to escape this evil prison and find a way to tell everyone about what really goes on - “find a way to” is repetitive here, and it’s unnecessary to repeat it. Take the the second one out. It has many alleyways which make it easy for runaways to hide - Comma before “which”. Good luck! I will be back once again. Edited August 19, 2012 by Dauntingale Share this post Link to post
Posted August 19, 2012 (edited) Two more things: These three major corporations were called Itexicore, Veilsand, and Draconite There - Period after “Draconite”. It has many alleyways, which make it easy for runaways to hide - "make" should be "makes" since it is referring to "it". I'll notify the approver once again. Edited August 19, 2012 by Dauntingale Share this post Link to post
Posted August 20, 2012 (If you'd like me to remove all the past critique so that you have more space, just notify me). Share this post Link to post
Posted August 24, 2012 (edited) And I'll be the first person to join: User name: Raptor of Dragons Name: Raptor Gender: Female Normal human/dragon or mutant: Mutant Hunter?: *laughs* No! Description: Used to be a lone Manectric, had yellow and blue fur, when they scientists made her eat the devil fruit, she turned half-Manectric half-Unfezant making her front paws into talons, her muzzle turned into a beak full of teeth, she gained the Unfezant tail and the mask. Abilities: Able to transform between Manectric, Unfezant and the crossbread which she calls normal form. Personality: Carefree when the danger is out of the way, but when danger happens, she can be a fierce fighter and let out moves that she couldn't do before. Animals: (Configured with?) Manectric (dog) and Unfezant (bird) History: Raptor is considered a loner, not really having any friends. When she stumbled into the city, she was looking around when the scientists found her. Confused about the humans, the scientists took the oppertunity to shoot her with a tranquilizar dart and put her in a test room with a devil fruit. Unable, to control her newfound powers just yet, she released a powerful electric attack that allowed her to escape. She then gained control of her powers through her own secret training. Other: She wears a blue bandana around her neck and will listen to anyone's problems if needed. Edited August 24, 2012 by Raptor of Dragons Share this post Link to post
Posted August 24, 2012 I would like to join: Username:IcarusTheDragon Name:Coda Gender:female type:dragon-animal mutant(polecat) Description:She was a stray lost domesticated polecat,brown in color with dark legs and a full mask over the eyes.a white muzzle and a black nose. She was mutated with dragon DNA and began the growth of furred wings the same color as her legs as well as developed claws and sharper back teeth. After she was mutated,her eyes turned from black,to blue. Abilities:flying,she can also retract spikes at the end of her tail(phisical traits) personality: quiet at times,shy around new people but outgoing once she knows you. Animals:dragon-polecat(related to mink) History:she was found as a young kit near a pile of rocks eyes barely opened,by a young boy.she was easily the size of a twinky and fit in the boy's pocket. He grew up with her in secret,fed bits of hamburger and if lucky,some fresh uncooked chicken! The boy and hos family disappeared leaving Coda hungry.she had to get out and fend for herself.that was when the humans caught her,she was emaciated and dehydrated.they restored her to health and then one day she woke up with the beginning of wings growing. History: Share this post Link to post
Posted August 24, 2012 User name: Pika_Oi. Name: Nathan Kip. Gender: Male. Normal human/dragon or mutant: Mutant. Hunter?: No. Description: Humanoid with some catlike features resulting from an experiment involving a small human boy and some DNA from a brown, domesticated feline. Laughably incompetent, and weak in both physical strength and will. Abilities: None whatsoever. Personality: Mild-mannered. Rarely becomes angry, but is easily frightened. He is absolutely certain that the universe keeps him alive just to watch him fail. Animals: Human, domesticated feline. History: Born to a couple who just plain did not want a child, he was quickly pawned off to some shady laboratory folks. After some seventeen years or so filled with tests involving viruses and growth hormones, which he made it through by the skin of his teeth, he was eventually passed off to the scientists of the corporations in return for some grant money. Infusing him with the DNA of a domesticated feline gave him some catlike features and just sharp enough hearing to make him more sensitive to loud sounds, but not enough to be useful in the slightest. As such, he will probably be killed if he does not manage to escape. As he is severely lacking in competence, however, escape seems highly unlikely. Other: Does not like being called by his full first name. Goes by "Nate." Share this post Link to post
Posted August 25, 2012 ((About how many people do you want to join before we start? I might be able to get a friend to join...)) Share this post Link to post
Posted August 25, 2012 I don't know,maybe a few more mutants and a few hunters. Share this post Link to post
Posted August 25, 2012 Can i request a name change? If so, i would like the name to be Astrid Faery (astrid for short ha) Share this post Link to post
Posted August 25, 2012 (edited) Thats fine,I'll change it now . If we can get at least one hunter we can start this and accept while we rp.(hunters will control their own made up group of people because we can't really get a lot of people)I will post when we start the rp,so be ready,it will be soon . Edited August 26, 2012 by Squertle Share this post Link to post
Posted August 29, 2012 (edited) User name: forgottenfire333 Name: 27 Gender: female Normal human/dragon or mutant: mutant Hunter?: yes Description: hides in the shadows to hide herself and to prevent herself from being destracted. she wears a large hoodie and baggy pants during the day, no matter the temperature. At night she wears her hunting cloths. Usually tight leather... To her discomfort. Abilities: sences and agility of a cat, can fly, and has the ability to breath fire. She is also fire retardant (don't want to ruin that beautiful face of hers) Personality: she is shy and quiet. She prefers to cause as little pain to the prisoners as possible. 27 is very nieve, loyal,and has a good heart (she is just on the wrong side) She wants to please her masters. Animals: (Configured with?)cross breed between cat, girl, and dragon. History: 27 remembers nothing from her life outside of the lab. She remembered waking up at age 16 in chains and afraid. She had no cloths and was being poked an prodded, beaten and cut. Eventually fear had to be replaced. Her family did this for her own good... She had to please them, she was filthy and undeserving of their attention. Every pain was how they showed their love. She had a very loving mother. Her mommy rarely poked or prodded her. Her mother gave her food and water. Her father made sure the rest of the family gave 27 a break when her body couldn't handle it anymore. One day mommy and daddy asked 27 to be a hunter. They said it would be very helpful to them. Father patted her on the head and mother gave her cloths and money. A few lessons on the outside world and 27 was ready to bring her brothers and sisters home. Other: prefers not to talk to her brothers and sisters. They say confusing things. Can get confused and distracted by the simplest of things. Does have a tail but it is a cat tale with dragons horns at the end. It looks funny and is sensitive. She will use it in a fight but prefers to keep it hidden because she feels it looks ugly. Edited August 31, 2012 by forgottenfire333 Share this post Link to post
Posted August 29, 2012 are we going to start the story on this page or are you opening another page for the story to begin? Share this post Link to post
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