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smile.gifAttention:I forgot to add an age section to the forms,so put the age in your next post;sorry.

 

Plot

It was the year 2047. Relations between dragons and humans had stabilized after years of mistrust. Humans had long since avoided the 2012 disaster with the help of both dragon and human earth friendly partnerships. Three of those partnerships grew to become the top eco-friendly corporations of USA. These three major corporations were called Itexicore, Veilsand, and Draconite. There was a lot of confusion about what they do, and their ethics were questioned as well, but they kept the public in the dark with all of their eco-friendly products, campaigns, and commercials. In March, 2047, the three corps announced they were going to make soldiers for armies to help keep families together. They needed "volunteers" for the project. Hundreds of thousands of volunteers stepped up at once, but only children, hatchlings, teens, and stray animals were chosen. There were some young adults too, but that was it. The public wasn't too suspicious, not at all. What was the harm? The chosen "volunteers" would soon realize that their lives will never be the same....

 

The chosen "volunteers" were caged and brutally beaten into submission. The "volunteers" realized they were prisoners walking into their own trap. Brainwashed scientists soon placed each prisoner into a cage labeled after major animal groups: Mammals, Avians, Reptiles, Fish, Insects, and Dragons. Only a chosen few were reconfigured with Dragon DNA, and they were never seen much, if at all. Dragon prisoners were arranged in much the same way except without the Dragon cage. Itexicore, Veilsand, and Draconite began their pet project. They started with the children and hatchlings first. The older humans and dragons tried to protect them but were soon subdued by shock collars around their necks. Some prisoners looked horribly mangled, and others looked more human than anything, with maybe sharper hearing, but not much else. These experiments were soon "disposed" of.

 

Once a specific group of experiments were done undergoing changes, they were released back into society. If they ever revealed their true natures, they, along with the people they exposed themselves to, would be killed by hunters. Hunters were specialized mutants who had met Itexicore, Veilsand, and Draconite’s “requirements” and helped them hunt down runaways and keep the public in the dark. The groups of experiments released into society were called "units" and usually functioned well together. There have been rumors of mutants with tech-based abilities, but of course, they are just rumors. The prisoners who succeeded would join the corporations, who now collectively called themselves the Terra Project Corps. If they refused, they would be placed under lab experimentation and torture until they submitted. If they were exceptional mutants that they couldn't afford to test anymore, they would just brainwash them using very advanced technology.

 

The prisoners also went through often painful test runs, to find their "abilities". Some could transform into animals, or even use elemental powers. Others changed at certain times of the month, but all of the prisoners were mainly tortured close to death to maintain utter control and to avoid rebellion. The prisoners wanted freedom.

 

They....Wanted....Justice...

 

Credit to:BlueShellBeast for the plot

 

Setting

You are one of the prisoners. You need to find a way to escape this evil prison and tell everyone about what really goes on, but with the Hunters hot on your trail, it's not going to be easy.

If you are a Hunter: You are a mutant whose job is to keep the public in the dark and hunt down escaped mutants. You need to track escapees and try to bring them back alive unless you are informed otherwise or if they have shown anyone their true selves. How you track them down, whether you go undercover or ask around for anyone suspicious, is up to you. Do not fail; if you do, the word will spread about what we're really doing, and we'll be exposed.

 

The cages: Placed in groups of six with aisle ways separating each group. The cages are much like ones we have today, but some have an invisible electric net between the bars, which are usually used for smaller prisoners.

 

The city: The city is much like New York, but cleaner. It has many alleyways, which makes it easy for runaways to hide, but they must watch out for hidden cameras that the Companies have hidden to help Hunters find them. There is a huge wall that goes all the way around the city to prevent escapees from getting out. There are four exits, one on each side of the wall, but they are heavily guarded, so it will be hard to escape through them.

 

Rules

1) No godmodding

2) No bad language

3) Have fun

4) No killing other characters unless you have permission from them

5) No bullying

6) Please don't spam

7) DC rules apply

8) At least three sentences per post(with at least three words)

9) No Mary Sues or Gary Stus. If no one is perfect in real-life, no one is perfect in role-plays either.

10) You can only have as many characters as you can handle smile.gif

 

Form

User name:

Name:

Gender:

Age:

Normal human/dragon or mutant:

Hunter?:

Description:

Abilities:

Personality:

Animals: (Configured with?)

History:

Other:

 

Accepted forms:

 

User name:Squertle

Name:When human-Leaf,when an animal-leafpaw

Gender:Female

Age:13

Normal human/dragon or mutant:animal mutant

Hunter?:no

Description:Leaf has very light skin despite being a light-brown color as a cat and her hair is a little darker than her fur. Her eyes are an unusual mix of blue and green with an amber ring around the middle and her pupils are slit like a cat's, so she tries to look down so no one notices.She likes to wear a bright colored t-shirt, blue jeans, and tenni shoes,but she mostly likes to go around as an animal.She sometimes wears a mint green bandana around her neck when she is an animal.

Abilities:Can shapeshift only into animals she's seen and can mix the different abilities and physical traits of those animals to create new ones or to get out of tricky situations.Might later find out she has a few tech based abilities.

Personality:Leaf loves to be on the move and see new things.Her curiosity can get her into trouble,but she tries to stay positive in even the trickiest situations.She can be sly at times and is very good at sneaking.She is very quiet and loyal to those she befriends and those who befriend her.She will always try her best and never leaves a friend behind. You should never underestimate her and she can be unpredictable at times.

Animals: only animals she's seen and a light-brown cat.

History:She got separated from her family as they crossed through the city because she would always be stopping and looking at new things.She wandered around looking for them,but it became foggy and hard to see,but she stumbled on bravely.Not soon after the fog started she came in contact with scientists who were looking for more test subjects to use to make the army of super soldiers.When they spotted her she turned and fled but came to a dead end in an alleyway.As soon as the scientists saw their chance they tranquilized her and brought her back to the lab.They didn't expect her to wake up for a while,but she unexpectedly woke up and tried to make a break for it.She ran along the table where they put her and knocked over a lot of beakers,scraping herself and getting the fluids into the scratches,which made her able to shapeshift.

Other:She tends to daydream a lot,so if she's staring at you or not listening,she's daydreaming.When she sees a new animal she starts to glow faintly and flicker from her current form to the new form,but stays in her old form unless she wants to change to the new form(This only lasts for a few seconds.).Never double-cross her because she will find a way to get back at you,no matter what.

 

User name: Raptor of Dragons

 

Name: Raptor

 

Gender: Female

 

Normal human/dragon or mutant: Mutant

 

Hunter?: *laughs* No!

 

Description: Used to be a lone Manectric, had yellow and blue fur, when they scientists made her eat the devil fruit, she turned half-Manectric half-Unfezant making her front paws into talons, her muzzle turned into a beak full of teeth, she gained the Unfezant tail and the mask.

 

Abilities: Able to transform between Manectric, Unfezant and the crossbread which she calls normal form.

 

Personality: Carefree when the danger is out of the way, but when danger happens, she can be a fierce fighter and let out moves that she couldn't do before.

 

Animals: (Configured with?) Manectric (dog) and Unfezant (bird)

History: Raptor is considered a loner, not really having any friends. When she stumbled into the city, she was looking around when the scientists found her. Confused about the humans, the scientists took the oppertunity to shoot her with a tranquilizar dart and put her in a test room with a devil fruit. Unable, to control her newfound powers just yet, she releazed a powerful electric attack that allowed her to escape. She then gained control of her powers through her own secret training.

 

Other: She wears a blue bandana around her neck and will listen to anyone's problems if needed.

 

 

Username:IcarusTheDragon

Name:Astrid Faery;Astrid for short

Gender:female

Age:1-1 and a half in polecat yrs

type:dragon-animal mutant(polecat)

Description:She was a stray lost domesticated polecat,brown in color with dark legs and a full mask over the eyes.a white muzzle and a black nose. She was mutated with dragon DNA and began the growth of furred wings the same color as her legs as well as developed claws and sharper back teeth. After she was mutated,her eyes turned from black,to blue.

Abilities:flying,she can also retract spikes at the end of her tail(phisical traits)

personality: quiet at times,shy around new people but outgoing once she knows you.

Animals:dragon-polecat(related to mink)

 

History:she was found as a young kit near a pile of rocks eyes barely opened,by a young boy.she was easily the size of a twinky and fit in the boy's pocket. He grew up with her in secret,fed bits of hamburger and if lucky,some fresh uncooked chicken! The boy and hos family disappeared leaving Coda hungry.she had to get out and fend for herself.that was when the humans caught her,she was emaciated and dehydrated.they restored her to health and then one day she woke up with the beginning of wings growing.

 

 

User name: Pika_Oi.

Name: Nathan Kip.

Gender: Male.

Normal human/dragon or mutant: Mutant.

Hunter?: No.

Description: Humanoid with some catlike features resulting from an experiment involving a small human boy and some DNA from a brown, domesticated feline. Laughably incompetent, and weak in both physical strength and will.

Abilities: None whatsoever.

Personality: Mild-mannered. Rarely becomes angry, but is easily frightened. He is absolutely certain that the universe keeps him alive just to watch him fail.

Animals: Human, domesticated feline.

History: Born to a couple who just plain did not want a child, he was quickly pawned off to some shady laboratory folks. After some seventeen years or so filled with tests involving viruses and growth hormones, which he made it through by the skin of his teeth, he was eventually passed off to the scientists of the corporations in return for some grant money. Infusing him with the DNA of a domesticated feline gave him some catlike features and just sharp enough hearing to make him more sensitive to loud sounds, but not enough to be useful in the slightest. As such, he will probably be killed if he does not manage to escape. As he is severely lacking in competence, however, escape seems highly unlikely.

Other: Does not like being called by his full first name. Goes by "Nate."

 

 

User name: forgottenfire333

Name: 27

Gender: female

Normal human/dragon or mutant: mutant

Hunter?: yes

Description: hides in the shadows to hide herself and to prevent herself from being destracted. she wears a large hoodie and baggy pants during the day, no matter the temperature. At night she wears her hunting cloths. Usually tight leather... To her discomfort.

Abilities: sences and agility of a cat, can fly, and has the ability to breath fire. She is also fire retardant (don't want to ruin that beautiful face of hers)

Personality: she is shy and quiet. She prefers to cause as little pain to the prisoners as possible. 27 is very nieve, loyal,and has a good heart (she is just on the wrong side) She wants to please her masters.

Animals: (Configured with?)cross breed between cat, girl, and dragon.

History: 27 remembers nothing from her life outside of the lab. She remembered waking up at age 16 in chains and afraid. She had no cloths and was being poked an prodded, beaten and cut. Eventually fear had to be replaced. Her family did this for her own good... She had to please them, she was filthy and undeserving of their attention. Every pain was how they showed their love. She had a very loving mother. Her mommy never poked or prodded her. Her mother gave her food and water. Her father made sure the rest of the family gave 27 a break when her body

couldn't handle it anymore. One day mommy and daddy asked 27 to be a hunter. They said it would be very helpful to them. Father patted her on the head and mother gave her cloths and

money. A few lessons on the outside world and 27 was ready to bring her brothers and sisters

home.

Other: prefers not to talk to her brothers and sisters. They say confusing things. Can get confused and distracted by the simplest of things. Does have a tail but it is a cat tale with dragons horns at the end. It looks funny and is sensitive. She will use it in a fight but prefers to keep it hidden because she feels it looks ugly.

 

 

User name: greenglassesgal

Name: Sugarhoof

Gender: female

Age:7

Normal human/dragon or mutant: mutant.

Hunter?: yes

Description: Sugarhoof is basically an alicorn (unicorn with wings) She has pure white mane, black wings, soft brown eyes, and a unicorn horn. Just for the heck of it, the scientists that created her put a fake atom-shaped cutie mark on her.

Abilities: she can fly quickly and quietly, if she wants to. Truthfully, the horn doesn't do much, but she can use it to ram into things. Her sense of hearing and smell have become even more accurate, allowing her to pinpoint and track down runaways.

Personality: Sugarhoof is a very nice pony mutant. She especially likes it when others feed her lumps of sugar. She loves working with the hunters, and she is remarkably clever, for a pony (mutant). She is very tame, and will attack only when she has to.

Animals: rhinoceros, pony, owl

History: Sugarhoof was just a regular pony who had been purchased from a local farm. Her whole mutation was only meant to be a joke. At first, the scientists only kept her so that they could observe what abilities she had gained. Afterwards, they became attached to her and allowed her to join the ranks of the hunters. From then on, she has served as both a tracker and a source of transportation.

Other: She is very loyal to the hunters, and she actually enjoys life after her mutation. It's certainly more exciting that carting harvests of wheat to and fro.

 

 

((User name: Pika_Oi.

Name: Exhid Greentext.

Gender: Male.

Normal human/dragon or mutant: Mutant.

Hunter?: Possibly.

Description: Largely humanoid in appearance. Has cockroach wings and antennae and a serpentine tail and tongue. One of his eyes is larger than the other, and his torso is elongated a bit.

Abilities: Heavily increased pain tolerance, telekinesis. He can also survive for awhile while decapitated.

Personality: Above-it-all, haughty, sadistic. A bit childish.

Animals: Human, American Cockroach, Hispaniola Green Snake.

History: Exhid was a spoiled rotten brat of a terrible child throughout his entire childhood, and was given anything he wanted at any point in time by his parents, who were afraid of him. One day, he saw some people and animals being taken into one of the test facilities. He marched up, banged on the door, and demanded that he be taken too, because he was better than all those things. For some reason, they let him in as opposed to killing him on the spot even though he was obviously an awful, terrible child, and he has been living there for a few years. The first few tests he was forced into gave him a huge resistance to pain, and thus he did not see most of the other tests in a much more negative light than he saw everything else.

Other: Speaks in third person, referring to himself as "The Mighty Exhid."

 

I must admit I made this more for fun than anything else. xP))

 

 

User name:Chocobrownie

Name:Fusion

Gender:Male

Age:14

Normal human/dragon or mutant:Mutant

Hunter?:Yes

Description:Humanoid, with strange neon green eyes, which was a unexpected part of the mutation, though it helps him see at night. Also has a forked tongue, much like a snake.

Abilities:Can shoot out poison, he can also lash out at enemies very quickly.

Personality:Bold, and can be angered, though he is careful.

Animals: (Configured with?)Rattlesnake

History:Fusion was a secrective boy that volunteered for reasons unknown. It was hard to tell whether or not he regretted being a experiment, but he seemed pleased enough. His skills were found satisfactory, so the scientists allowed him to join the hunters.

Other:Fusion only confronts escaped mutants after he has a clear examination of them, which only takes a few seconds.

 

 

User name: Rogan Morevah

Char. Name: Nelrim Arkaine

Gender:Male

Age:looks to be about 14-15 but is 300 in dragon yrs.

Normal human/dragon or mutant: appears human but he was once a dragon.

Hunter?: ... ... trick question? NEVER would I dare to join the DARK SIDE... I'm always for the Light.

Description:

(Eyes: ocean blue

Face: smooth complextion and calm out look.

Clothing: Looks like a mix of leather and cloth. Red leather bandolier crossing over front and back. grey and yellow clothing

Abilities: Transformation... Gains the abilities of chosen transformation.

Personality: Calm, collect, kind, caring, hate's to fight but he will fight. Can be arrogant at times.

Animals: (Configured with?)

History: He was once a dragon, son to the Elder, when he was chosen. Upon being tormented and altered he kept his mind from being broken and destroyed. Now, having been marked as a failed experiment, he is to be "removed" ^as in killed^ but upon the time of "removal" he made his move and busted out... but not before snagging a few (8) stones. He knew something about these stones as they were Elemental Stones crafted by the dragons millinia ago

Other: He has to use special stones in order to transform into any other form. He prefers the dragon forms more than any of the others because he was a dragon before being transformed.

*the 8 stones...

1Fire, 2Water, 3Ice, 4Earth, 5Wind, 6Light, 7Shadow, and 8Lightening... (there are others out in the world but they were hidden many years ago.)*

 

so... am I in?

 

(He also carries a ninth stone that is not elemental. It's known as a Dragon Stone, which allows PURE dragons to appear as humans. Due to his mutation the stone won't allow him to transform not without the energy of at least one or more of the Essence Stones.) *Hope that makes him eligible for the RP*

 

 

User name:SL

Name:Nicholas Stara

Gender:M

Normal human/dragon or mutant:Normal human

Hunter?:can't be... I think

Description:A normal, teenaged boy who likes the beach a lot...

Here is a pic

Abilities:None

Personality:You'll see...

Animals: none

History:He's just a normal teenage boy... Right?

Other:Lea's best friend

 

User name:SL

Name:Lea Sinlot

Gender:M

Normal human/dragon or mutant:Mutant

Hunter?:no

Description:This with giant black wings, retractable claws and fangs

Abilities:Can fly and is poisonous. He can also blend into the shadows.

Personality:Lea is a loner. He doesn't like other people, dragons or mutants. He's normally cool and calm but sometimes gets the urge to kill and murder those around him. He really values his freedom and doesn't talk much. But he is actually a good person, he just dislikes opening up to others.

Animals: Crow, cat and Cobra

History:Lea was one of the volunteers and escaped earlier. Nicholas befriended him... Somehow. He now lives in a cave... Somewhere...

Other: Is Nicholas's friend

 

User name:SL

Name:Milu Shinescales

Gender:F

Normal human/dragon or mutant:Mutant hatchie

Hunter?:yes

Description: Milu is a white dragon with black crow like wings and a feathery tail. She also somewhat resembles a wolf. Her fangs are overly long and her sense of smell is incredible. She also has wolf ears and claws.

Abilities:Healing others and tracking others down. She can sense heat and has very sharp fangs and claws.

Personality:RP'd

Animals: Magpie, wolf

History:Milu was just a normal hatchie... Before she changed... She learned to love the feel of the hunt after being 'changed' and now hunts her victims down with pleasure. She follows orders like a doll and can kill viciously without mercy. The scientists loved this about her so they made her a hunter.

Other:She uses her young appearance to an advantage...

 

 

((I thinksies I wanna make a new character. It's hard being a horse. aww soiled you beat me to it and made a crow hybrid first! Also... Shinescales sounds veeeeery familiar...

User name: glasses

Name: Brendan Shadowlight.

Gender: Male

Age:14

Normal human/dragon or mutant: mutant

Hunter?: Yes, but not for long...

Description: looks like this. He normally allows his wings to show, unless he's in public. He has one retractable talon-like spike on each foot, coming out from a concealed slit on his shoes. He also has two smaller retractable spikes between his knuckles on both hands.

Abilities: can fly, attack with his talons, and go unnoticed for long periods of time. Prior to the mutation, he was capable of weak telekinesis. The mutation seemed to have had the strange side effect of increasing this power. Finally, he is also good at trickery and deceiving others to do what he wants, but he has sworn off of using that.

Personality: before, he used to be a determined, loyal hunter who obeyed every command, getting frustrated when he failed. However, once he learned of the true intentions of his employers, he became a quiet, cool-headed person who just barely finishes his missions.

Animals: human, crow

History: Brendan had always been an orphan. He had been left out on the doorstep of an orphanage in the middle of the night, like a ray of light shining in the shadowy darkness. He wasn't your average kid, and many of his fellow orphans claim they have seen objects seemingly levitating whenever he was around. As he grew older, he volunteered, hoping that whatever he was signing up for would "cure" his mutation. The scientists consoled him after he was mutated again, suggesting that he should join the hunters with his talents. Recently, though, he found out that the only reason why he was a hunter was because the scientists wanted to observe what would happen to a mutated mutant. Now, he is on the verge of running away and joining the prisoners in their escape.

Other: he prefers to go by his last name, Shadowlight.))

 

User name: Rogan Morevah

Name: Shadow Drake

Gender: Sounds male

Normal human/dragon or mutant: Unknown

Hunter?: no

Description: he wears a robe that shadows his entire face and body.

Abilities: unknown

Personality: neutral (he shows no emotion)

Animals: none

History: unknown

Other: He seems to know a lot about just about everything... He also seems to know much about Nelrim.

 

 

User name:Choco

Name:Kaminogi

Gender:Male

Age:15

Normal human/dragon or mutant:Mutant

Hunter?:Yes

Description:Likes to blend in with the enviroment

Abilities:Can transform into a inanimate object. (Is this OK or too weird? If too weird I change it...)

Personality:Calm and confident.

Animals:Part Dragon

History:RP'D

Other:

 

 

Form

User name: IcarusTheDragon

Name: Isis Faery

Gender: Female

Age: About a year and a half

Normal human/dragon or mutant: Mutant

Hunter?: of course not

Description: Isis is a young wild polecat who oddly enough had an unatural coloring when she was born. she was silver and white. In the summer she has more black/silver fur and in the winter she is almost completely white with few silver guard hairs.

Abilities: Telekinetic(think to message someone through minds and move things and teleport..) She can breath fire and change her shape to only mammals and dragons, she also has the same sonic boom ability as Astrid

Personality: She is very open, on a constant search to find her long lost sister, she will do what she can and fight whoever she can in order to get to her.

Animals: (Configured with?) Dragon and various mammal genes

History:Isis is a wild polecat who was abandon by her mother during a storm at 2 weeks old. She only had her sister with her when her sister was taken by a human. She has had a huge hate of humans ever since and was often almost caught by the humans for her beautiful silvery pelt. Though she lived through it all, she is a larger Than average female.

Other: She is Astrid's sister

Edited by Squertle

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I like this RP, I just never saw it because apparently it's been at the bottom of the unapproved section for forever. If you wanted people to see it, you could have bumped it every once in a while.

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BUMP.

 

Like that. A bump is a post made purely for the purpose of bringing attention to the Thread, since when a post is made, the thread goes to the top of the board. It literally BUMPs the topic to the top.

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I find it a bit confusing, a bit more explanation would be nice. Sorry, but this comes from staying in Asia for 2 years.

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'3 of those partnerships grew to become the top eco-friendly corporations of USA.'

'3' should be spelled out. Number rule: When a sentence starts with a number, it MUST be spelled out.

here i got one.

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Actually, a number should always be spelled out unless it is comprised of more than one word.

 

For example: "3" should be "three", "20" would be "twenty", but "21" would stay "21" because it's written as two words: "twenty-one".

 

Make sense? At least... I think that's the rule... *looks it up to be sure*

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Yeah, it is. You got it. We just learned this in English class, so it's fresh in my mind.

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-Pops in- hiya :> I found a few things and I hope you don't mind my barging in here xd.png

 

The chosen volunteers were brutally caged and beaten into submission. The volunteers then realized they weren't volunteers, but prisoners walking into their own trap. Soon the prisoners were seperated and placed into Very large cages labeled after major animal groups: Mammals, Avians, Reptiles, Fish, Insects, and Dragons.
Since you capitalized "volunteers" in a previous sentence, do you also mean to capitalize all the others? If not, I suggest you lower-case that one capitalized "volunteer". xd.png There are some spelling errors, so be sure to run them through spell check :3

 

Dragons was a smaller cage because only a chosen few were reconfigured with Dragon DNA and those that were were never seen much if at all. Dragon prisoners were arranged in much the same way except without the Dragons cage.
I think one of the confusing things in this roleplay is this part. Do you mean the caging area was smaller than the humans? And what do you mean dragon prisoners were arranged in the same way without the cages?

 

The older humans and dragons tried to protect them but were son subdued by shock collars around their necks. Soon wandering around the different compartments in the different cages could be seen both successful and failed experiments.
Spelling errors. ^^' Also the second sentence doesn't make any sense. Who is wandering around the compartments?

 

The groups of experiments released into society were called "Units" and usually Functioned well together.
I spy unnecessary capitalization? :333

 

The prisoners also went through test runs, to find their "abilities". Some even developed elemental powers. Some could transform into animals, others changed at certain times of the month, but all of the prisoners were mainly tortured close to death to maintain utter control and to avoid rebellions.
The comma is unnecessary there. I think you could string the next two sentences together using a semi-colon, so as to avoid making it choppy x3

 

As you know, not all errors are highlighted, so do your best correcting yourself. ^^

 

All in all, I like the idea of humans and dragons put in the same situation. However, there are some things missing about dragons. Such as, how would they blow their cover if they were released? What sort of natural abilities (and enhanced abilities) do they have? And if they were released into society again, what is society to them? Where do they get dragon volunteers and by what means have humans and dragons become friends?

 

|D Enjoy~ /poofs

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When someone posts crit and you correct your RP, you should post saying that you edited, so they know you're using their advice. That'll get you more attention on here. If no one else comes and crits for a while, I'll give you some crits of my own to help you along.

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Hey, I'm back to give you some more crit to help you on your way. Sorry it's been so long.

 

-bold "plot" above your plot section to make it more visible.

 

-make a section for the setting/here and now, with a bold headline "setting". This should contain everything everyone could ever need to know about where the characters are and the surrounding area. Basically, what's the character's situation?

 

-add some rules. Too many rules may look intimidating, but not enough rules is worse. Let people know what you expect out of them in quality and length for posts. Look at the sample rules given in the "getting your RP approved" section. Actually...

 

-just go ahead and read the whole "getting your RP approved" thing. It's extremely useful.

 

-next: I noticed that, although it is assumed, you never actually outright explain what happens to the volunteers. They get mixed with animals right(one of which is dragons)? Do the dragon volunteers also get mixed with animals or do they only get mixed with humans?

 

-once again, you can never read over your RP too many times. There are still some mistakes that a single sweep through could easily eliminate.

 

That's all I got for you right now. Thanks for listening!

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-next: I noticed that, although it is assumed, you never actually outright explain what happens to the volunteers. They get mixed with animals right(one of which is dragons)? Do the dragon volunteers also get mixed with animals or do they only get mixed with humans?

I don't really understand the question.Are you asking if they're all mixed into one cage?

 

Thanks so much for the help smile.gif .

Edited by Squertle

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Hello, I am Dauntingale, an approver-in-training, and I will take a look at your roleplay.

 

global friendly partnerships.

 

- I think you mean “earth friendly.”

 

In March, 2047, the three corps announced they were going to make soldiers for armies to help keep families together.

 

- Clarify what you mean by “make soldiers”.

 

Hundreds of thousands of volunteers stepped up at once, but only children, hatchlings, teens, and stray animals were chosen ,some young adults too, but that was it.

 

- Start a new sentence at “some”.

- Add “there were” before “some” to make a complete sentence.

 

The public wasn't too suspicious, not at all, what was the harm?

 

- Replace the second comma with a semicolon.

 

What the chosen "volunteers" would soon realize is that their life will never be the same....

 

- Take out “what”. What is better for questions and this sentence would be more clean without it.

- Take out “is”.

-> “The chosen ‘volunteers’ would soon realize that their life will never be the same...””

 

The chosen volunteers were brutally caged and beaten into submission. The volunteers then realized they weren't volunteers, but prisoners walking into their own trap.

 

- Put quotes around “volunteers” for consistency.

- Move “caged” before “brutally”. It isn’t necessarily incorrect, but it’d make more sense. Not many people said “brutally caged”.

- The “then” before “realized” isn’t necessary.

- “The volunteers then realized they weren’t volunteers” -> seems like it’s stating the obvious especially after the sentence about being brutally beaten. Simply take out “weren’t volunteers, but” and add “were” after “they”.

-> “The volunteers realized they were prisoners walking into their own trap.”

 

Soon the prisoners were seperated and each placed into seperate cages labeled after major animal groups: Mammals, Avians, Reptiles, Fish, Insects, and dragons.

 

- Comma after “soon”.

- “seperated” should be “separated”.

- The animal groups don’t need to be capitalized unless you mean it that way. If so, capitalize “dragons” as well.

- “Separated” gets repetitive here. For better sentence structure, change it to: “Soon, the prisoners were each placed into separate cages labeled after major animal groups”

 

Only chosen few were reconfigured with Dragon DNA and those that were were never seen much if at all.

 

-Add “a” before “chosen

- Comma before “and”.

- The two “were’s” are not incorrect, but are confusing and not necessary. Replace “those that were” with “they”.

- Comma before “if”.

-> “...they were never seen much, if at all.”

 

shock collars around their necks.Some looked horribly

 

- Space after the period.

 

Some looked horribly mangled, and others looked more human than anything, maybe sharper hearing but not much else. These experiments were soon "disposed" of.

 

- Clarify who you’re talking about here. Who/what is “some” referring to?

- Add “with” before “maybe”.

- Comma before “but”.

 

If they ever revealed their true natures, they would be killed by Hunters along with the people they exposed themselves to.

 

- Sentence needs restructuring. Move “along with the people they exposed themselves to” before “would be killed by Hunters”. Then, add a comma after “they” and after “to” to set off the parenthetical element. Otherwise, it sounds as if the Hunters and the people they exposed themselves to would both be doing the killing.

-> “If they ever revealed their true natures, they, along with the people they exposed themselves to, would be killed by hunters.”

 

The groups of experiments released into society were called "units" and usually Functioned well together.

 

- “functioned” does not need to be capitalized.

 

There have been rumors of mutants with tech based abilities, but of course they are just rumors.

 

- I suggest you put a hyphen in “tech based” so that it is “tech-based”.

- Comma after “of course”.

- “rumors” gets repetitive. If you don’t mind too much, it doesn’t need to be changed.

 

The prisoners who succeded would be asked to join the corporations who now collectively called themselves the Terra Project Corps., either by choice or by force.

 

- “succeded” should be “succeeded”.

- Comma after “join the corporations”.

- Take “be asked to” out. It isn’t necessary and only makes the sentence a little more confusing.

- Take the “by” before “force” out; it isn’t necessary.

 

If they refused they would be placed under lab experimentation and torture until they submitted.

 

- Comma after “refused”.

 

If they were exceptional mutants they couldn't afford to test on anymore, they would just brainwash them.

 

- Add “that” after “mutants”.

 

Some even developed elemental powers. Some could transform into animals, others changed at certain times of the month, but all of the prisoners were mainly tortured close to death to maintain utter control and to avoid rebellions.

 

- Start a new sentence at “others” or add “while” before “others” and take out the comma to make it one sentence.

- The “some” gets repetitive.

 

You are one of the prisoners.You need to find away to escape this evil prison and find a way to tell everyone about what really goes on,but with the Hunters hot on your trail,it's not going to be easy.

 

- Spaces after periods and commas.

- “away” should be “a way”.

 

If you are a hunter: Your job is to keep the public in the dark and hunt down escaped mutants.Try to bring them back alive unless you are informed otherwise or if they have shown anyone their true selves.Do not fail,if you do,the word will spread about what we're really doing and we'll be exposed.

 

- Spaces after periods and commas.

- Capitalize “hunter” for consistency.

 

Do not fail,if you do,the word will spread about what we're really doing and we'll be exposed.

 

- Spaces after periods and commas.

- Replace the comma after “fail” with a semicolon.

- Comma before the last “and”.

 

-next: I noticed that, although it is assumed, you never actually outright explain what happens to the volunteers. They get mixed with animals right(one of which is dragons)? Do the dragon volunteers also get mixed with animals or do they only get mixed with humans?
I don't really understand the question.Are you asking if they're all mixed into one cage?

 

- Cyrus meant: what kinds of mixed experiments are there? Are there hybrids made of animal-dragon combinations, or dragon-human combinations?

 

*Note In rules, you might want to add a rule about Mary Sues and Gary Stus (perfect characters).

 

Good luck! I'll be back to check up on this once you've fixed the above! If it's been too long and I'm not back, feel free to shoot me a PM.

Edited by Dauntingale

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-next: I noticed that, although it is assumed, you never actually outright explain what happens to the volunteers. They get mixed with animals right(one of which is dragons)? Do the dragon volunteers also get mixed with animals or do they only get mixed with humans?

I don't really understand the question.Are you asking if they're all mixed into one cage?

Oh, they get mixed with both.

 

Thanks so much for the help.I can't wait to get this rp started smile.gif .

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Hello, this is Dauntingale, back for a check-up. You're welcome! I enjoy helping. Here are some more things I've caught:

 

and stray animals were chosen.There were some young adults too, but that was it.

 

- Space after period.

 

The chosen "volunteers" would soon realize that their life will never be the same....

 

- “life” should be “lives” for the plural “volunteers”.

 

Soon, the prisoners were each placed into separate cages labeled after major animal groups: Mammals, Avians, Reptiles, Fish, Insects, and dragons.

 

- Capitalize “dragons” for consistency.

 

Only chosen few were reconfigured with Dragon DNA and they were never seen much, if at all.

 

- Comma before “and”.

 

with maybe sharper hearing ,but not much else.

 

- Remove space before comma and add a space after the comma.

 

Hunters were specialized mutants who had met their "requirements" and now help Itexicore, Veilsand, and Draconite hunt down runaways and keep the public in the dark.

 

- “now help” is present tense, but the rest is past tense. Change this to “helped”.

- When you say “their” it’s not too clear who you are referring to. Put this pronoun a bit later. -> “Hunters were specialized mutants who had met Itexicore, Veilsand, and Draconite’s “requirements” and helped them hunt down runaways and keep the public in the dark.”

 

The prisoners who succeeded would join the corporations, who now collectively called themselves the Terra Project Corps., either by choice or force. If they refused, they would be placed under lab experimentation and torture until they submitted.

 

- I didn’t catch this last time, but “either by choice or force” is not needed; the next sentence implies “by choice or force” already. Just take “either by choice or force” out.

 

If they were exceptional mutants that they couldn't afford to test on anymore, they would just brainwash them.

 

- Sentence would flow better if you took out “on”.

- There too many pronouns. Replace the second “they” with whoever “they” is referring to. The scientists? The corps?

 

The prisoners also went through test runs, to find their "abilities".

 

- Unnecessary comma.

 

Some even developed elemental powers. Some could transform into animals

 

- A little choppy here. Combine the two sentences.-> “Some even developed elemental powers or could transform into animals.”

 

but all of the prisoners were mainly tortured close to death to maintain utter control and to avoid rebellions.

 

- Although it’s not incorrect, I think it’d be better if you took the “s” off of rebellion.

 

but with the Hunters hot on your trail,it's not going to be easy.

 

if you do,the word will spread about what we're really doing, and we'll be exposed.

 

- Space after comma in both sentences.

 

Add the following to the plot:

 

- Describe Hunters a little more. Do they have powers too? How do they track the units?

 

Soon, the prisoners were each placed into separate cages labeled after major animal groups

 

- Describe the companies. Who is placing them in cages (who is working for the company)? Do they comply with what is happening?

 

The prisoners also went through test runs, to find their "abilities".

 

- What are these test runs like?

 

If they were exceptional mutants that they couldn't afford to test on anymore, they would just brainwash them.

 

- How would they go about this? With technology?

 

Setting

 

- Describe the setting a little more. What do the cages look like? How would one navigate this place?

- Maybe describe the city the units are released into as well.

 

Good luck! I'll be back to check up once you've edited! Feel free to ask questions/PM me.

Edited by Dauntingale

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Hey there! I'm Dauntingale, back again. You're welcome, and thank you for fixing everything and answering all the questions. I have caught some more things (less this time).

 

It is the year 2047. Relations between dragons and humans have stablized after years of mistrust. Humans had long since avoided the 2012 disaster with the help of dragon and human earth friendly partnerships. Three of those partnerships grew to become the top eco-friendly corporations of USA. There is a lot of questioned ethics as to what they do, but they kept the public in the dark with all of their eco-friendly products, campaigns, and commercials. 

---

These three major corporations were called Itexicore, Veilsand, and Draconite. In March, 2047, the three corps announced they were going to make soldiers for armies to help keep families together. They needed "volunteers" for the project. Hundreds of thousands of volunteers stepped up at once, but only children, hatchlings, teens, and stray animals were chosen. There were some young adults too, but that was it. The public wasn't too suspicious, not at all, what was the harm? The chosen "volunteers" would soon realize that their lives will never be the same....

 

- That is your first paragraph. The first half (above the dashed line) is present tense. The second half is past tense. I recommend you choose past tense and change that upper half to past tense since most of your RP is past tense. I will help you out with this (below).

 

It is the year 2047.

 

- “is” should be “was”

 

Relations between dragons and humans have stablized after years of mistrust.

 

- “have” should be “had”

- “stablized” should be “stabilized”.

 

There is a lot of questioned ethics as to what they do, but they kept the public in the dark with all of their eco-friendly products, campaigns, and commercials.

 

- “is” should be “are”, but since we’re changing to past tense now, change it to “were”.

 

Dragon prisoners were arranged in much the same way except without the Dragons cage.

 

- Change “Dragons cage” to “Dragon cage”.

 

You need to find away to escape this evil prison

 

- “away” should be “a way”.

 

How you track them down is up to you, whether you go under cover or ask around for anyone suspicious.

 

- “under cover” should be one word.

- Sentence needs restructuring. Move “whether you go undercover or ask around for anyone suspicious” before “is up to you”. Then, add a comma after “suspicious”. -> “How you track them down, whether you go undercover or ask around for anyone suspicious, is up to you.”

 

The cages: Placed in groups of six with isle ways seperating each group.

 

- “isle” should be “aisle”

- “seperating” should be “separating”.

 

the cages are much like ones we have today, but some have an invisible electric net between the bars, which are usually used for smaller prisoners.

 

- Capitalize “the” at the beginning of the sentence.

 

I’ll be back for one last check after you’re done with the above, and then I’ll pull an approver in here. (Thank you for answering all the questions!)

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Hello, one last check!

 

There was a lot of questioned ethics as to what they do, but they kept the public in the dark with all of their eco-friendly products, campaigns, and commercials.

 

- “was” should be “were”. I mentioned this before; it’s plural because “were” would refer to “ethics”.

- Add “even” before “with”. If you add “even” it’ll make more sense because it’d be more like “although there were so many ads, the public was still kept in the dark”.

 

Placed in groups of six with aisle ways serparating each group.

 

- “serperating” should be “separating”.

 

Hundreds of thousands of volunteers stepped up at once, but only children, hatchlings, teens, and stray animals were chosen. There were some young adults too, but that was it.

 

- Why did they choose only the younger volunteers?

 

I believe we are done! After you've fixed, I'll notify an approver. Yay!

Edited by Dauntingale

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