Fallout: Aftermath

[9pmg5665]

I'll fix it in a few minutes. First, though the last thing. Fallout is an RPG. It could have been anyone from a bearded man to a teen with a plasma ray.

 

2) Vaults were built all-across America, and possibly in other countries. It leaves me in an awkward position so I had to make one up that might be used later in a completely different sense or something like that.

 

3) Lower Texas, though that's not really needed, I'll introduce something from it eventually, and its nice to have it there over-all.

 

And I fixed it.

Edited July 15, 2012 by 9pmg5665

[gistofeverything]

Alrighty, then! From this post on, any subject pronouns that I use in questions shall refer to the players.

 

... Permanent Lifestyles.

I apologize if I was misleading - I meant for those to be lowercase.

 

2270, VA, Washington D.C., the Brotherhood of Steel helped with Project purification, a project to purify radiated and salt water alike, fixing the water shortage.

Washington DC is not in Virginia. Choose one and strike it.

Purification should be capitalized.

Maybe instead of saying "radiated and salt", maybe you could say "tainted" water? Up to you.

 

While VD2 (Vault dweller 2) helped the BoS (Brother of Steel) prosper, he angered and finished off the Enclave- a group of overly patriotic BoS opposite, while very few Enclave remain.

There's only one Brother of Steel? Mighty small organization...

Colon instead of a hyphen.

There's a word that means overly patriotic: "radical". Up to you whether you want to change it.

 

In the western America, The NCR ( New California republic) has just taken the Hoover dam after fighting the brutal but primitive Legion.

First "the" is unnecessary.

Second "the" shouldn't be capitalized.

"Republic" should be capitalized.

"Dam" should be capitalized.

Comma after "brutal".

Who/what is this "Legion"?

 

Almost all vaults in America have been opened.

"Vaults" should be capitalized.

Edited July 15, 2012 by gistofeverything

[Astrodeath311]

Gistofeverything; http://fallout.wikia.com/wiki/Fallout:_New_Vegas_factions will solve all of your questions concerning the factions of Fallout: New Vegas

[9pmg5665]

Yes, but the questions should be answered here nonetheless.

 

I fixed it and the second "the" should be there.

 

It's not ok to say "NCR has just taken over legion land." Because that would mean that it would be a noun, not a government. But it is okay to say " The NCR has taken Legion land.

Edited July 16, 2012 by 9pmg5665

[gistofeverything]

But it is okay to say " The NCR has taken Legion land. "

If it is the beginning of a sentence. You have this capitalized word after a comma, which indicates that you are adding it to the acronym of the organization, making it TNRC. This is still incorrect because capitalizations of definite/indefinite articles are not necessary. And I never told you to delete it, just to adjust the capitalization?

 

Back on track, though...

 

http://fallout.wikia.com/wiki/Fallout:_New_Vegas_factions

Why don't you add this link to the OP and state its use? Though it's really your job to describe everything thoroughly enough so that anyone may join, as I thiiiink that restricting members from playing would be categorized as a 1xX RP, which belongs in Freeform. Up to you.

 

In western America, the NCR ( New California Republic) has just taken the Hoover dam after fighting the brutal but primitive Legion.

Dam should be capitalized.

Comma after "brutal".

 

That's all I'll do for now.

Edited July 16, 2012 by gistofeverything

[9pmg5665]

Very sorry. And I think I fixed it already.

[gistofeverything]

There's critique coming, and it's okay! Getting threads fixed often is a taxing process, and you're almost done!

[9pmg5665]

Okay. Fixed that.

[Astrodeath311]

I would bold out the respective titles for the OP as well.

 

 

[9pmg5665]

Still ready for critique

[9pmg5665]

Update. I might be gone for awhile. I might forget about DCF while I'm gone so whoever wants this can have this. If I don't post for at least 2 weeks at-all, anybody can have this RP.

[Astrodeath311]

I call dibs.

[9pmg5665]

I'm still here!

[gistofeverything]

That you are~

 

The Brotherhood has succeeded in turning eastern America back into it's past, rebuilding important cities and guarding them against Super-Mutants, feral Ghouls, Enclave remnants, Legion,and Centaurs.

it's --> its

".... Legion,and..." --> "..., Legion, and..."

 

The main BoS base is in Washington, DC, former Enclave HQ.

"Washington, DC,..." --> "Washington DC,..."

 

Recently, a few cities have gone dark, coms have gone down and no courier has come back or from the cities to tell them about it.

If "coms" is short for "communications, then "coms" --> "comms".

"... down..." --> "... down, ..."

 

One such place is Steel-Rise, the forward militaristic base of the BoS, filled to he brim with mercenaries and guards.

"he" --> "the"

Edited July 19, 2012 by gistofeverything

[9pmg5665]

Done.

[gistofeverything]

((Alright. Approved, yup yup!))

[9pmg5665]

((Astro, you want to start? And can someone help me close the poll?))

[Astrodeath311]

James wandered around the wasteland, keeping his weapon ready; just in case he ran into something dangerous. There could be anything out here. He trusted in his dog, Lance, to keep alert and detect any foul beast looking for a free meal. Nothing eventful happened; day turned to night, night turned to day. Until something finally happened; James had chanced upon a Brotherhood of Steel patrol. He surveyed their ranks, finding nothing but grim men completing the mission assigned to them. His eyes laid upon a younger member, had to be eighteen or so. Holstering his rifle, he walked towards the patrol and found himself being aimed at almost immediately by the squadron. Sighing, he said as harmlessly as possible,

“I'm not here to hurt you; if that is your concern.”

 

((Let's get this going.))

Edited July 21, 2012 by Astrodeath311

[9pmg5665]

"No, it isn't." An older member replied. " Your obviously not Legion or Enclave. Legion would have charged us and Enclave would have a guy in full Paladin 49 armor." The group put away their guns, but still watched for subtle movements. " Since your neither, you must be a merc, or Vault Dweller." The older paladin pushed Connor out of the way to stop him from talking and not to spoil secrets. " We're going to Steel-Rise to bring weapons to it, as you can see the pack Brahmin." He lifted his arm with a thumbs up to his shoulder to point to it. " We've rarely been attacked and mostly by MoleRats and such. All V-TOLS are already at Steel-Rise." Connor backed away from him but was angry about being pushed away. He shot his Lazer pistol at the Paladin's bottom leg but hit a metal pad. It reflected back at Connor and almost hit his face if he hadn't Done the Matrix to it. The Paladin started walking, as well as the rest of the caravan. " My name is Connor. Your welcome to come along. We have a payment of 1000 caps per BH or merc that helps us." He said, trying to avoid being yelled at by the leader of the group.

[Astrodeath311]

“I see. I think I'll take you up on that offer, Connor.” James pulled his rifle out of it's holster and held it at a casual position. Attempting to strike up a conversation, he said, “You do know that there is another group over by Primm, right?” Lance meanwhile walked up to Connor and started sniffing at him. Detecting nothing but cold steel he walked back over to James and barked once. He was given an ear-rub for his service.

Nothing eventful happened yet again...

Edited July 21, 2012 by Astrodeath311

[9pmg5665]

" So. I see that you've got a dog. Not many out there that are tame. " Connor said, trying to make small talk. It took hours of walking to make it to Steel Rise and it and been a few days since the start.

 

The caravan had arrived at the new city. The guards had rifles pointed in every direction that had pointed to their heads. A scanner went through them for explosives and a rack came out also, from a non-accessible door. The BoS troopers placed grenades on the rack. A wide door opened, enough to pass eight over obese fat people sitting treasure chests. The caravan passed through and stopped at a corridor. Everybody placed their weapons on a platform that excluded mercenary weapons. " The trip is over" Connor said and stretched himself out.

[Astrodeath311]

“I suppose not, I raised Lance from when he was a pup.” Trying to change the subject James said, “How was the other half of the trip? Seems that the wasteland is calm today. Maybe some of the monsters out there will starve to death or something. Good for us, bad for them. Not that we care what happens to them anyways, we shoot 'em on sight.” James shrugged his shoulders. A few hours later, they came upon the new city, Steel Rise. They entered through a giant gate, were searched, and relinquished of the weapons they were transfering. “So, we're here..I suppose I'll stay here for a bit, try and look for work and such. Not much to do here, in the wasteland...”

[Nasa13]

"Hey, I heard the caravan got back." yelled a scribe. The kid came running in, his excitement clear.

 

"Whats your point scribe," said Victor sitting at his desk, books and his flamer sitting in front of him. "I told you not to disturb me unless there was a new set of documents for me to look at. I have more than half of this room to go through still and I plan to head out again soon."

 

"Well I figured you'd like to know, Connor was with the caravan," stuttered the scribe, unsure how to proceed.

 

"Good to know," snapped Victor. "Now get out and don't disturb me again."

 

He returned to the book in front of him. As best as he could decipher it the book was called The Lore o' the Ring. Some of the letters he had to guess at since they had weathered away. That was the only bad thing about most of what he had recovered. Some were even missing the title pages and some had sections missing. The rest of the Brotherhood had no idea why he labored at these documents. It was his task, Victor believed, to recover any lost manuscripts so their knowledge could be saved and eventually be released to all survivors. At first it was only military blueprints but as he began to trek out alone he found so much more in the ruins of some sort of library.

 

"Maybe I should see what the caravan hauled in today." Victor slid his arm into the flamer and made his way to the room the caravan was.

Edited July 22, 2012 by Nasa13

[9pmg5665]

Connor walked to a door that lead to the rest of the BoS chapter while giving James a 'follow me' hand jester. The corridor wasn't to long but walking to the caravan room was Victor, the head decryption scribe. " Hello Victor. Coming to check on the caravan?" Pretending he said 'yes' Connor continued. " We brought with us what we know are military blue prints, updates on the enemy and enough parts and scrap to repair the walls or turrets. Other then that though, we brought an entire caravan.

[Astrodeath311]

Connor gestured James to follow him, so he did. It seemed that he was in a Brotherhood of Steel town. Didn't matter, he supposed, just don't piss the owners off. He leaned against a wall in the office, waiting until he was permitted to leave. Not that he couldn't right now, but that'd be disrespectful.

Edited July 23, 2012 by Astrodeath311