Posted April 15, 2012 (edited) Epic title right? Hey-o to everyone reading! Beth here! I will mainly be adding on my story, Black's Gang. But I may post some art, like drawings and stuff. ART Yes I have finally got around to posting some of my art. I'm not that great and i only do pencil, So I'm not setting up a request form but if you really want some of my art, just say so and I'll start doing requests. And i can color, but when I'm just drawing for fun must of the time i just do pencil. STORIES I'm just gonna say, In the past I have been a big baby about critic on some stories I posted on here. But I'm a big girl now and I want critic in order to improve. Please comment on my stories. If no shows interest in them I will stop writing. Black's Gang About It's a better version of a book me and one of my friends wrote that was very un-description and un-literate. For your enjoyment I will post the original rough rough draft. As i add to the new version I will also add to the Very Rough Draft the part of the original. Very Rough Draft Ben: *is in a wheelchair* Acid: *cat ears replace his wolf ears* Squirrel: *leans on a tree* Blue: *plays with her hair* Prolog -- Current Version In a park, somewhere in the USA, at twilight, a young man sat in a wheelchair under a tree.His hair, neatly combed, was as black as a starless night sky, his eyes an unearthly bright green. He looked to be in his late teens, about eighteen. Around him were others, people who seemed to belong together, though they did not all share family resemblance. The young boy, who seemed to be about ten,looked much like a miniature version of his father, who was the man in the wheelchair. The boy had his father's eyes, and his mother's thick, curly hair, yet even it was the color of his father's. The feature that stood out the most, that separated him from looking just like his father, was his ears. They stuck out of his hair, rounded, velvety, grey triangles. The boy had the ears of a cat. Another man, stood leaning against a tree. He was in his mid 30's, yet his messy, sandy blond hair had not yet started to grey. His icy blue eyes took in everything as he stood off to the side. A young woman sat in the tree, above the man in the wheelchair. She also seemed to be about eighteen. Her hair fell into her eyes. It was dyed bright blue with yellow streaks. Her eyes were a deep, violent red. She had the look of a killer. The man in the wheelchair sat under a tree in a park somewhere in the USA at twilight. His son stood a few feet away, cat tail twitching with anticipation. The older man leaned on a tree off to the side. The girl sat in the tree above the man in the wheelchair. They all seemed to be waiting for something. And then it came. Chapter 1 "Ben!! Why the fudge are you in a wheelchair!?!?" What the four had been waiting for had arrived. Black took the lead with Perry to her right and Imoan to her left. Black was a tall, muscular intimidating eighteen year old. She looked much like her twin, Blue. But the main difference was Black's hair. It was actually black, not dyed. However she add the blood red streaks. (no its not over I just had to poof suddenly while typing it out) Edited April 21, 2012 by Beth-la Share this post Link to post
Posted April 15, 2012 Ooh, yes, I like your style a lot! You should definitely continue writing :3 I would post some crit on it but I dun has much time right now Share this post Link to post
Posted April 15, 2012 Thank you for commenting and its fine if you don't have time for crit but I'm looking to make this better before I atemp to write more. All these four are my characters but in the first chapter i will include my freinds also. Share this post Link to post
Posted April 16, 2012 yes!! pleeease keep writing i LOVE it!! i'ts so good i'm confused how you can make it better!! Share this post Link to post
Posted April 25, 2012 Your first paragraph is good but that second one you posted is a bit lacking. You should always try to explain more than just, what the characters are saying. You get the picture of them down beautifully and then nothing. Tell us a bit more. What are the other characters doing, thinking, and feeling? What is going on in the background? Are we in a city, is this in the middle of a field, and are we in Africa even? How are Acid and Ben taking this, do they think it is spiteful or all in good fun? I get a tree, some grass, and my mind sets a city skyline. The rest of the characters are just staring off in to space in my mind. You have good potential as a writer and for a story. Just toss some more filling in there! Share this post Link to post
Posted April 25, 2012 Your first paragraph is good but that second one you posted is a bit lacking. You should always try to explain more than just, what the characters are saying. You get the picture of them down beautifully and then nothing. Tell us a bit more. What are the other characters doing, thinking, and feeling? What is going on in the background? Are we in a city, is this in the middle of a field, and are we in Africa even? How are Acid and Ben taking this, do they think it is spiteful or all in good fun? I get a tree, some grass, and my mind sets a city skyline. The rest of the characters are just staring off in to space in my mind. You have good potential as a writer and for a story. Just toss some more filling in there! Really? Your gonna critique before i finish typing it out? Like i said, i haven't finished chapter 1 yet! Thats the middle of the chapter hardly the beginning of it! Share this post Link to post
Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) Sorry, I guess. I just wanted to point out some things. No offense intended. ^^; edit: btw, your request is finished. Edited April 25, 2012 by ArchiosLukos Share this post Link to post
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