Posted February 21, 2012 (edited) Intro: You have only been out of your egg for a few days when the crisis happens. "Stay here and be quiet," you hear your mother plead to you and your older sibling who was born a month ago. You can see many other eggs and hatchlings gathered around you in this hidden tunnel. Their mothers and fathers are here also. Slowly you watch the adults file out of the tunnel and roll a rock over the entrance dimming the lights and disguising your hiding place. There are many roars and finally silence. You wait many days. You and the other hatchlings begin to get restless. On the fifth day, you and the other hatchlings gather together and dig your way out. The forest near here has been flattened and dead members of your clan are strewn all around. You realize you are the only ones left. Then a foreign dragon appears on the far side of the clearing. He roars and the rest of his clan steps up behind him. They are claiming victory. Quickly you and the other hatchlings rush back into the tunnel before they see you. How will you survive? Plot: The Clan of the Moon, which lived in Slate, a forested section of the dragon world, up until now clashed with the Clan of the Sands who originate in Tarn, their clan's tribal land in the desert, over territory. Before the Clan of the Moon fought they hid away all their young in a tunnel to protect them from the fight. They believed they would win but the Clan of the Sands had grown since they had last met and all the adults of the Clan of the Moon have been killed. Now the hatchlings of the Clan must learn to survive. They will grow up in secret, hiding in the tunnel by day, while foraging by night, while preparing to eventually reclaim their land. They also sometimes train outside their territory but there, there are other dangers that are sometimes even more threatening than Sand Dragons. Setting: The main setting is Slate, a forested and mountainous region which has a huge lake in its middle. The Clan of the Sands comes from Tarn, a barren desert which has only one water source, a small stream in the bottom of a canyon. The volcanic jungle of Dane is an uninhabited territory which the dragons have not really explored to any large extent. Roles: You can be any DC dragon with all of their breed's powers in either of these clans. Although The Clan of the Sands does not contain dragons which require large bodies of water to survive as they originate in a desert. Egg or hatchling in The Clan of the Moon - you are a young dragon still learning about the world. You have seen or have been told about how The Clan of the Sands has killed your family and taken your home and you want to grow up and avenge them. However, you know that to survive for now you must stay hidden. Dragon in The Clan of the Sands - you are one of the dragons that defeated the Clan of the Moon. You do not know any of them still survive. Most of you are evil and wish to rule all of the lands of the dragons. Rules - Follow all DC Forum rules -No spamming -No mini-moderating (you can PM me with issue if you feel it is necessary) , godmoding, mary/gary sue -No cursing -Your dragon can be a rude/grumpy character but make sure roleplayers don't end up feeling personally insulted -You can't have more than two characters in each clan at a time (you can have a new dragon if one dies) -No killing off other people's dragons without permission -You can't mature into an adult for at least a real two weeks (human two weeks) in the Clan of the Moon because everyone who was old enough to fight in the clan, the oldest mature hatchlings included, has been killed. Forms I want to join The Clan of the Moon Username: Dragon Breed (DC breeds only): Current stage (you can begin as an egg or hatchling ): Gender (if you have one): Personality: Appearance: Other: I want to join The Clan of the Sands Username: Dragon Breed (DC breeds only): Current stage (you can begin as an egg, hatchling, or adult): Gender (if you have one): Personality: Appearance: Other: Edited February 26, 2012 by wildwindflower Share this post Link to post
Posted February 22, 2012 Hello, I am FireKitty and I will be helping your roleplay get along to approval. "Stay here and be quiet," you hear your mother plead to you and your older sibling who has just been born. A comma is required after 'quiet' and before the quotation. This is a rule for all things put in quotation when it is a character speaking unless you end it with '!' or '?'. If it is a period ending, instead of the period, you put a comma. Also, going off of this quote, you say 'your older sibling who has just been born'. An older sibling would be born before you. Therefore, that kind of doesn't make sense. On the fifth day, you and the other hatchlings gather together and dig your way out. Who gathers together? You would have to reword this to say what you mean. You may want to add 'and the other hatchlings' after 'you' and before 'gather'. You also want a comma after 'day' and before 'you'. The Clan of the Moon which lived in Slate up until now clashed with the Clan of the Sands over territory. Slate? What is Slate? You have never mentioned what Slate is until now. You are for the most part evil and wish to rule all of the lands of the dragons. You indicate that all dragons of the Clan of the Sands is evil. Does that mean we can't make a dragon who is part of the Clan of the Sands different? Do they have to be evil? I understand you say 'for the most part' but this could mean either mostly evil or not all of the dragons are evil, though the way you word it could mean 'mostly evil'. That's all for now! Thank you for taking the time to read this. ^^ Share this post Link to post
Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) I have one more question. Where will the hatchlings and eggs be staying in order to stay a secret from the Clan of the Sands? Okay and another question that I just thought of. Are there certain types of dragons allowed in either clan? Or is any DC dragon allowed to be in either clan? Also, do they get to have their abilities that the DC staff say they have in their descriptions? Or are they just like a regular dragon who can breathe fire that just look like the DC dragons? Sorry for so many questions, but I think people would like to know these things. Edited February 23, 2012 by FireKitty Share this post Link to post
Posted February 23, 2012 I have made the changes you suggested, and don't worry about asking questions, that's your job as an editor. Share this post Link to post
Posted February 23, 2012 Hehe, thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm just a bit nervous seeing as I'm not allowed any help from other approvers so I don't have a second set of eyes until I say that this roleplay may be ready for approval. I'm always afraid someone will flame me, too. although for the most part The Clan of the Sands does not have dragons who cannot exit the water. Anyway, continuing on, what do you mean by this? Are you saying that the Clan of the Sands mostly have dragons that are associated with the water? This doesn't really make sense seeing as they are "The Clan of the Sands". Also, you may want to say what the territories of each clan are like. And another thing, why can we only play two characters, one in each clan? What if someone wants to play a loner? Or maybe their dragon has a sibling in the same clan? You may want to change the character limit just a bit. "One more thing," FireKitty says in the voice of cartoon Jackie Chan's uncle. I was trying to be humorous there x3 I don't think it worked... but yea, one more thing: you can't mature into an adult for at least a month in the Clan of the Moon When you say for at least a month, do you mean real life month wise or roleplay life month wise? Like, does a month have to pass in the roleplay or does a month have to pass in real life? Share this post Link to post
Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) In my opinion you're doing very well. I have made the edits you suggested. Do you think the month-limit on the Clan of the Moon dragons is too much? I want a significant stretch of time in which the clan tries to survive even though they're all hatchlings but I don't want to deter people from joining. Anything else? Edited February 23, 2012 by wildwindflower Share this post Link to post
Posted February 23, 2012 Thanks. And let's see, good, good, very good... hmm... As for the month limit, I'd say half that or make it so the month is in roleplay time. It may just deter people with the month thing because some people may join late or some people may leave because it's waiting too long and roleplay days can go fast, depending on the rate of roleplaying. Once you decide on/change that, I'll send this over to one of the Mods and see what I may have missed. They'll be able to point out things that I might have missed so don't be too ecstatic. It could be another day or two before this roleplay is approved. OH WAIT. I was kind of confused on this: no moding, godmoding, mary/garysue-hating I don't know what you mean by moding... unless you mean moderating... and why do you have 'hating' after mary/gary sue? You should also probably put a space between 'gary' and 'sue'. Share this post Link to post
Posted February 23, 2012 I halved the time limit and made those changes to the rules. Thanks for helping Share this post Link to post
Posted February 23, 2012 Alright, I'll go PM a RP Moderator and see what they have to say! Good luck and I hope this gets approved! I may just even join it when it's approved. Share this post Link to post
Posted February 25, 2012 O.e So I'm apparently missing a few things before this gets approved... Maybe you should describe the planet they live on, explain how it's divided up into different sections for different clans. Are there other clans besides the Clan of the Moon and Clan of the Sands? Also, you may want to describe, in full, what each clan's territory is like in a different line, like say "Setting" and then describe the setting for each clan. That's all I can see right now. Then again, it's going on 12am where I live so I'll see what I missed tomorrow. Share this post Link to post
Posted February 25, 2012 I added setting although I think i may have made it a mess color-wise. I was in a hurry. Share this post Link to post
Posted February 25, 2012 (edited) ((*Coughs* Sorry guys! This is being looked over by an approver in testing and we'd love to see what she does with everything. =) So, I'm going to move this back and give her a chance to really look things over since there are still some things that we see in here. We're a little stricter in testing than we are normally. Sorry Gist! <3)) Edited February 25, 2012 by Khallayne Share this post Link to post
Posted February 25, 2012 ((I'm sorry! I misunderstood you in the other thread! Won't interfere anymore, I promise!)) Share this post Link to post
Posted February 25, 2012 The Clan of the Moon, which lived in Slate, a forested section of the dragon world, up until now clashed with the Clan of the Sands who originate in Tarn, a tribal land in the desert, over territory. There should be a comma after 'Moon'. Also, explain what you mean by 'a tribal land' when you speak of the Clan of the Sands. Your dragon can be a rude/grumpy character but make sure roleplayers don't end up feeling personally insulted 'You're' should be 'Your'. And capitalize the first word of every rule and somehow show which rules are separate from each other. Like maybe a '~' or maybe '-' or even number the rules. You may also want to state in the rules that DC Forum rules should be followed. The main setting is Slate, a forested and mountainous region which has a huge lake in its middle. The Clan of the Sands comes from Tarn, a barren desert which has only one water source; a small stream in the bottom of a canyon. A comma after 'Slate' and after 'Tarn', and a semi colon after 'source'. I believe that's all for now. Share this post Link to post
Posted February 27, 2012 I don't see anything else and I think my day is up for this so I'll send this over to one of the RP moderators. Share this post Link to post
Posted March 7, 2012 Bump? I haven't gotten a response on this in a while. Share this post Link to post
Posted March 10, 2012 I PMed a roleplay moderator to check the status of this roleplay, so I'll hopefully be able to do some critique soon/it'll get approved soon. Share this post Link to post
Posted March 11, 2012 Okay, it seems that it's still being worked on, so I won't be able to do any critique. Sorry. Share this post Link to post
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