Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) Intro In this world, people have gone blind. Humans of this realm have lost sight of what is real and what is fantasy. Instead, they make up their own stories to help them cope with what they have forgotten. Stories of make believe gods and sacred beings. Despite these theories, there are only five gods of this world, and they are all of Earth. Story Fire, Water, Earth, Air and Time: the five elements of the gods. Each one is represented by an animal: The god of Fire comes in the form of a fox. Going by the name Diom, he is very sneaky and cunning. He controls the rising and setting of the sun and the fire of the planet - whether it should create or destroy. The Water goddess appears as a dolphin. Pensri is rumored to be very beautiful and talented, controlling the tides and moon. She is very wise and helpful, always aiding those who cross her path. The Earth god, Balad, comes to us as a stag. He is very level-headed and sturdy. He controls the land and the crops, deciding when they will be bountiful. Gozz, a hawk, is the goddess of air, conforms the weather to her liking. She is very witty and quick-thinking, always having steadfast opinions. A single one of her feathers has more worth than the entire planet itself. The god of Time, however, is no common animal. Most humans will not even admit to his existence. Alaric, as he is called, keeps the flow of time even and steady. If he was ever to become angered, both time and space would unravel. This responsibility would only ever be trusted in the hands of a dragon. ~~~ The people of the world refuse to admit that any of these gods live and breathe the same air they do. For a period of time, the gods had stayed hidden, watching over the humans from a distance, creating balance in their lives. Some humans appreciated these gods, but it wasn't enough. Eventually, the gods became angry. They created human forms of themselves, each having characteristics of their original animal. Tail and ears are most common within Balad, Diom, and Gozz. Pensri, however, only revealed her tail in water; there, it would replace her legs and her dorsal fin would return. Alaric also had a tail, as well as small horns that had protruded from his head. However, the largest things that set him apart from the humans were the two small wings that would flatten against his back when hidden underneath human clothes. These gods-in-human-clothing visited towns among Earth and tried forming the idea that these five gods were the ones to help them in dire situations, and the ones to keep their world in balance. These humans quickly shook off these stories as just that: stories. Soon, all the gods lost hope that they would ever be recognized and appreciated by the humans they took care of. Pensri tried convincing the others that not all hope should be lost, but the rest of the gods disagreed and decided the humans deserved punishing. So, Diom descended into the towns alone. He threatened the humans, demanding that the gods receive praise from them. If the gods did not get any soon, all of the humans' crops and houses would burn. When no praise came, Diom did just that. This infuriated the humans and caused fear to well in their hearts, but the gods did finally receive their praise: a sacrifice every ten years. The humans named these five gods the "Oracion." It has been sixty years after this incident, and fortunately, the gods have calmed. By rule of Alaric, every ten years, the first child born of the sixth month must be given as sacrifice on their tenth birthday. The humans have become accustomed to this ritual, but it still takes its toll on the cities of Earth (but there are still many of humans on the Earth that oppose this.) Some are still skeptical about the gods but obey out of fear. When these nonbelievers rioted against Oracion, the gods became angry once more. This is where you come in. Plot The gods have reached your village on this little island. You've decided that there must be a fix to this situation somewhere. Anyone who has ever tried to fight Oracion has never returned Edited February 1, 2012 by mickiloo97 Share this post Link to post
Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) Index I. Rules II.Setting III. Form IV.Accepted Characters Rules -All DragonCave Forum rules apply. -I am god, so my word is law. -This will be a semi-lit roleplay. I want at least four sentences in one post. Even if you are having a block, either don't post, or do you best. -Please keep it PG-13. This includes love, gore and language. -The password is "Lobster Gills". -Godmodding/powerplaying/Gary and Mary Sues are not allowed. -No spamming, fighting, trolling, flaming or anything of that nature. -Three character maximum. -Post forms here. Setting This roleplay is set in the early 21st century, although the people on this island refuse to house large and expensive technology. There are four cities we may end up visiting. They are arranged in a diamond formation. Between them is nothing but forest, and in the exact center, there is a large lake. To the outside of the diamond, about two hundred miles, is all ocean. The northernmost city is Dieh. It snows during late autumn, all of winter and early spring. Even during summer, it is still moderately chilly. It's world-record high is 78 degrees fahrenheit. The city farthest to the south is Hejet. It is warm and humid year round, causing it to usually very rainy. During the winter, it can become as cold as 35 degrees, and mid summer it is usually between 80 and 92 degrees. To the west is Kihl. It never gets very hot or cold. No matter the season, it stays between 40 and 75 degrees. It isn't particularly rainy or dry. It is an average city in every way. Last but not least is Teyx. It, like Kihl, is pretty average. Although it has a very steady climate, it gets very cold during the winter, most of the time, below 10 degrees. It is up in the mountains, and during spring, huge fields of wild flowers bloom. During summer, it stays a reasonable temperature, getting no hotter than 90 degrees. Form [B]Username:[/B] [B]Character Name:[/B] [B]Gender:[/B] [B]Age:[/B] [B]Appearance:[/B] [B]Personality:[/B] [B]History: (Optional)[/B] [B]Password:[/B] Accepted Characters Username:mickiloo97 Character Name: Diom Gender: Male Age: [God] Appearance:In his original, animal form, Diom appears as a bright red fox. He has traditional black stockings and white muzzle. The tips of his ears are marked black and his tail ends in a white tip. He is easily the size of a small horse and when angered, his tail sets fire and blazes with his mood. When walking amongst the humans, he takes the appearance of a older teenaged male. He has very sharp features and atop his head, sit two fox ears, identical to his in his other forms, along with his bushy tail. These are the only things setting him apart from the other humans. Personality: Diom likes to play jokes on others and has a very sick sense of humor. Unlike some of the others, he will accept when he is wrong and will apologize when necessary. He extremely dislikes the humans and, under his opinion, he would have them severely punished. History: (Optional) Password: Edited February 1, 2012 by mickiloo97 Share this post Link to post
Posted January 7, 2012 (edited) Soooo... What's the plot? You've got a nice backstory, but I'm not seeing a place for people to even begin, let alone what they're supposed to do, or fight, or... anything. Edited January 7, 2012 by Dr. Paine Share this post Link to post
Posted January 7, 2012 The gods are rioting and you have to find away to survive their wrath and calm them, or die trying. Share this post Link to post
Posted January 9, 2012 What did you mean by reserved? As in, for a single approver to look at it? Because that explains why hardly anyone as even touched this RP. I'll look it over and offer critique if that's not the case, though. Share this post Link to post
Posted January 9, 2012 Just a reserved post, in case I need it for anything later. I like having elbow room. ^^' If you know what I mean... Share this post Link to post
Posted January 9, 2012 (edited) Yeah, I get what you mean. I'll edit this post into a proper critique once I get my homework done, so I'll be back soon, okay? But before I go, here's one thing: You said "This is where you come in," but you didn't post the plot or anything. The history, setting, char. form, etc. has all been done, but the plot hasn't. Judging from the previous posts, it's that the character has to calm the gods. However, this is only hinted at in the OP, and the readers will be left assuming what's what. You need to post a specific plot and make sure that the readers will know, because only you seem to hold that information and there's only so much that the RPers can guess at. EDIT: Okay, be prepared... my critiquing posts can get kinda lengthy. First of all, I'd like to say that you have a lovely RP and it's a great idea. In fact, from the first glance, I didn't really see any spelling errors or grammar mistakes. There are a few issues, though, so here we go. Humans of this world have lost sight of what's real, and what is fantasy. "of this world" had been done in the previous sentence. I suggest you replace it with something like "in this realm" or "of this realm". Also, for "what's real, and what is fantasy," you should either change the 'what is' to 'what's' or you should change 'what's' to 'what is'. There's an issue with the consistency; it will flow properly and smoothly if you use the same for the two statements. Also, the comma is not necessary. Humans of this realm have lost sight of what is real and what is fantasy. Each one, represented by an animal: Replace the comma with an 'is'. You have a lot of good stuff and there's such a minimal amount of mistakes that there isn't too much for me to correct other than the tiny things. Each one is represented by an animal: He controls the rising and setting of the sun, he controls the fire of the planet, Get rid of either the comma and replace it with a semicolon. He controls the rising and setting of the sun; he controls the fire of the planet, whether it should create, or destroy. You don't need the comma there. Putting one between "create" and "or" is just chopping up your sentence, but it was flowing perfectly fine, so the comma is unnecessary. whether it should create or destroy. The Water goddess appears as a Dolphin Why is "Dolphin" capitalized? comes to us as a Stag. Why is "Stag" capitalized? the land, the crops, deciding them to be bountiful, or withered. Eh. Originally, I would have said there was nothing wrong here, but it starts getting a bit ramble-ish when you have all those commas. Instead of the comma before "the crops," you need a 'and'. You don't need the comma between "bountiful" and "or". the land and the crops, deciding them to be either bountiful or withered. When you talk about Gozz, you don't mention that she's a bird, nor do you mention if she is a specific kind. That is left to the readers to assume. Albeit being heavily implied, it isn't mentioned before and again, that's an issue with consistency. You need to tell what kind of bird she is before you talk about her feather(s). humans will not even admit to it's existence No... no. Later, you call him a "he". Therefore, "it's" should be 'he'. Also, what do you mean by admitting to the existence of the gods? Where did that come from? Earlier, you said they made up their own gods, so why would they admit to their existence in the first place? This responsibility would only ever be trusted in the hands of a dragon. Alright, you definitely said that he was a dragon... sort of. But can you make it more obvious? Sometimes, people tend to skip over that and end up messing the RP up because they weren't careful and couldn't make the correct assumptions. For example, you could say: The god of Time, however, is no common creature: he is a dragon. or The god of Time, however, is no common creature, considering that he is a great dragon. that any of these gods live, and breath the same air. You don't need the comma between "live" and "and". Also, the same air as...? I know what you're talking about, but you need to make it clearer. Ending it there just doesn't seem like a complete sentence (though I do understand that it is), so we need to fully close it. that any of these gods live and breathe the same air as they, the humans, do. These days, the gods usually stay hidden watching over the humans from a distance What do you mean, "these days"? This sentence is in present tense, but later you shift to past. Change the tense to past tense and you're good. You also need a comma after "hidden". For a period of time, the gods had stayed hidden, watching over the humans from a distance, creating balance in their lives without appreciation, without praise. Hmmm. No, this won't do. In the very start of the intro, you said that humans created fake gods, so these gods wouldn't have received praise or appreciation in the first place. You could explain more thoroughly and say that there were people who were grateful for what the gods did, but they didn't know that the gods actually existed and created their own names for them. So, Gozz could be Aria, who is still the goddess of air, and the people have built a shrine for Aria. Gozz might have overlooked the name change and accepted the shrine, but over time, the people took her power for granted and no longer visited the shrine, nor did they continue offering food as sacrifice, so she became angry. Also, this part is still present tense, so you need to change it to past tense. Eventually, the gods began becoming angry. Er... what? There's past tense and present tense all jumbled up in this sentence. "began becoming" simply doesn't work. Eventually, the gods had begun to grow angered. Pensri, however, only reveals her tail in water, in which it replaces her legs and her dorsal fin appears. You were using past tense just a moment ago, and now it's become present again. Consistency is a common issue in the unapproved RPs; just change it to past and you'll be fine. I also changed a comma to a semicolon to make it flow nicer. Pensri, however, only revealed her tail in water; there, it would replace her legs and her dorsal fin would return. Alaric also has a tail and small horns protruding from his head. Same issue. Change to the past tense form. Alaric also had a tail, as well as small horns that had protruded from his head. Although the largest thing setting him apart from humans is small wings that flatten against his back when under human clothes. Commas, vocabulary, etc. "Although" isn't the word you're looking for here, unless you want to combine the first two sentences. The word you need is 'however'. Also, it's supposed to be past tense, and you're missing a comma. Furthermore, when you say "the largest thing," you're talking about a singular object, but he has two wings. Change it. However, the largest things that set him apart from the humans were the two small wings that would flatten against his back when hidden underneath human clothes. These humans quickly shook off these stories as just. What happened here? but the rest of the gods disagreed, and decided the humans deserved punishing No comma is necessary between "disagreed" and "and". You do, however, need a 'that' before "the humans". Also, don't use "punishing," use "punishment". but the rest of the gods disagreed and decided that the humans deserved punishment. CODE]humans, that the gods deserve praise and if they did not get one soon, all their crops and houses will burn.[/code] You suddenly jumped from one idea to the next. Before "that," say "demanding" and replace "deserve" with "receive". Also, why do you refer to praise as one? That doesn't make sense. Also, you mixed present and past again. humans, demanding that the gods receive praise from them. If the gods did not get any soon, all of the humans' crops and houses would burn. This infuriated the humans, causing fear to dwell in their hearts, but the gods did receive their praise, a sacrifice every ten years. Another choppy sentence has been spotted, matey. With all those commas, you're splitting up your sentence, but it's too much. This infuriated the humans and caused fear to well in their hearts, but the gods did finally receive their praise: a sacrifice every ten years. Why did the Oracion want such a sacrifice? Why did they need it? And the humans named these five Oracion. Five what? Yes, I know what you're talking about, but you need to say it directly. Also, there should be a pair of codes around "Oracion." And the humans named these five gods the "Oracion." Sixty years from this incident, and the gods have calmed. Incomplete sentence. It has been sixty years after this incident, and fortunately, the gods have calmed. the first born child of the sixth month, every ten years must be given as sacrifice on their tenth birthday. "first born" is one word. Also, you have some more comma problems. And what do you mean? There are plenty of children that are the firstborn in their families that share their birthdays in June. What if there are twins? What if two kids from different families have the same birthday and are both turning ten? the firstborn child of the sixth month, every ten years, must be given as sacrifice on their tenth birthday. The humans have become accustom to this ritual, "accustom" is 'accustomed'. but it still takes its toll on the cities of Earth. What do you mean? This happens every ten years, and only for one child (presumably), so why should it disturb entire cities? Do you mean: but there are still many of humans on the Earth that oppose this. but with no one to stand with them, the ideas were lost among time, until recently. Among time? I understand what you were trying to convey, but the issue is that you used the wrong word. Also, the comma before "until" is not needed, but you could put an ellipsis there. but with no one to stand with them, the idea was lost through time... until recently. Other than those errors, your RP is pretty good. However, there is an issue with the setting, though. You told us of the past, but we have yet to hear about the present. What date is it? Is it set in a place similar to our world, or is it set in a place that's more medieval-ish? (had to use code; forums was being a butt and wouldn't use quote properly) Edited January 9, 2012 by incondicency Share this post Link to post
Posted January 9, 2012 I edited almost everything, but there is a few things in your critiques I'd like to work out. but it still takes its toll on the cities of Earth. What do you mean? This happens every ten years, and only for one child (presumably), so why should it disturb entire cities? Do you mean: but there are still many of humans on the Earth that oppose this. By this, I actually mean that it doesn't matter where the sacrifice comes from. Wherever on Earth where the firstborn child comes from. i.e. If one decade, the child is born in Africa, the next decade, it could come from Asia. As long as they were the child born first in the sixth month. So like, the second June rolls around, the very first baby that is born, no matter where they are, they are labeled as the sacrifice. Share this post Link to post
Posted January 9, 2012 Ah, okay. You should explain that more thoroughly so that others won't get too confused. But for the setting.... if it's in the twenty-first century, then how did the rest of the world react to it? Sure, perhaps the island isn't very technologically advanced, but how would you explain how New York City react to it? Share this post Link to post
Posted January 9, 2012 I guess you have a point. The thing is, it's hard to find pictures (and even RP) with characters in specific types of clothes that correspond with the time period and setting. How would I get around that? Share this post Link to post
Posted January 14, 2012 HRRRRRNNNNNNN. HRRRRRNNNNNNN. HRRRRRRNNNNNNNN. Gah, you got me there. Put a specific time period, that your island seems to live in, in your rules and hope for the best? And also, say that the first child that is born in june is a boy in new jersey, and the sacrifice is made. However... how would Rhode Island react? In a modern world, news travels quickly. If the gods erase the memories of the people so everything is 'restored to normal,' that also means the people won't praise them more often and they won't even remember the sacrifice, so in the end, isn't the purpose defeated? Share this post Link to post
Posted January 14, 2012 Yes, yes it is. So for the setting... Just set the RP depending how just the island lives? Besides this technical stuff, is there anything else that needs to be edited in the OP? Share this post Link to post
Posted January 15, 2012 Hmmm. I think you should title the intro and plot. Share this post Link to post
Posted January 15, 2012 (edited) Done. And I almost forgot. That single large critique post you had, you mentioned this litte bit: The god of Time, however, is no common animal. Most humans will not even admit to his existence. Alaric, as he is called, keeps the flow of time even and steady. If he was ever to become angered, both time and space would unravel. This responsibility would only ever be trusted in the hands of a dragon. And I wanted to talk to you about it. I know you said that I should start out labeling him as a dragon, but I kind of wanted it, like it's sort of a secret. So... Can I keep it? *puppy dog eyes* Edited January 15, 2012 by mickiloo97 Share this post Link to post
Posted January 17, 2012 (edited) :melts: Okay, fine. And, err, why are the titles so small compared to the text o_O are you going to change that later? After reading it over and over again, I have spotted no spelling errors and major grammar issues. However, there is one thing, though. Remember when I told you to change first born to firstborn because it's one word? Yeah... that... confusing... platypus.. we have to change it again ._." By rule of Alaric, the firstborn child of the sixth month, every ten years, must be given as sacrifice on their tenth birthday. By rule of Alaric, every ten years, the first child born of the sixth month must be given as sacrifice on their tenth birthday. BTW, I'm not an approver in testing anymore ^^" My time is up. Do you still want me to critique? Edited January 17, 2012 by incondicency Share this post Link to post
Posted January 17, 2012 HURRAY! But... Is it ready to move? As long as there is room for improvement, I'd like to improve. If there isn't anything else you can find that keeps it in the unapproved section, does that make it approved? ^^ If it needs more critique, of course I want you to continue. If you want, I can enlarge the titles. And I'll edit this right away. Share this post Link to post
Posted January 21, 2012 I agree that the set up is a little hard on the eyes/hard to immediately see what's going on. Could the headers be made at least one size larger than the rest of the story or be bolded? Also, a line break between the headers and the next sentence/paragraph would also be nice. :3 Humans of this realm have lost sight of what is real, and what is fantasy. No comma. Fire, Water, Earth, Air and Time; the five elements of the gods. Colon instead of semi-colon. He controls the rising and setting of the sun; he controls the fire of the planet, whether it should create or destroy. "He controls the rising and setting of the sun and the fire of the planet - whether it should create or destroy." He controls the land and the crops, deciding them to be bountiful or withered. 'deciding when they will be bountiful' Gozz is the goddess of Air, a hawk, conforms the weather to her liking. The placement of 'a hawk' is a little awkward. 'Gozz, a hawk, is the goddess' would flow better and isn't a form you used above. A single one of her feathers has more worth than the entire planet itself. Just curious as to why this is? The people of the world refuse to admit that any of these gods live and breath the same air they do. breath -> breathe ~ Just curious as to why the gods only revealed themselves in human form? Wouldn't humans believe more if they had shown their power or talked to them in their God form? ~ So Diom descended into the towns alone. Comma after so. This infuriated the humans and caused fear to well in their hearts, but the gods did finally receive their praise: a sacrifice every ten years. did finally -> gods finally received And the humans named these five gods the "Oracion." Would sound better starting with the instead of and. The humans have become accustomed to this ritual, but it still takes its toll on the cities of Earth (but there are still many of humans on the Earth that oppose this.) Putting the part in parentheses with the same sentence makes it seem connected to the rest. Are you saying the sacrifice takes its toll on the cities of Earth because there are many humans on Earth that oppose it? Also, period after the ending parentheses. Some are still skeptical about the gods, but obey out of fear. No comma. When these nonbelievers rioted against Oracion, the gods became angry once more. This is where you come in. So... Did the gods do anything because of this anger or do we come into the RP waiting for what they might do? Some have ideas that maybe trying to calm the gods is a better idea, but with no one to stand with them, the idea was lost through time... until recently. I would erase maybe. Very neat. ^^ Share this post Link to post
Posted January 21, 2012 (edited) Thank you Sock! <3 Everything you requested has been edited. A single one of her feathers has more worth than the entire planet itself. Just curious as to why this is? Because she's a god, and they're huge. I don't know why I put that in there. The paragraph was looking a little wimp-ish so I just threw something in there. ^^' Just curious as to why the gods only revealed themselves in human form? Wouldn't humans believe more if they had shown their power or talked to them in their God form? Because in their godly forms, first off they're huge, and it's kind of like an unspoken rule. Also, they thought the humans would feel less intimidated. If a random guy with a tail started talking to you, I'd be a lot lest scary then a giant fox, don't you think? Some times when they're causing havoc, they'll be in their true (god) forms. The humans have become accustomed to this ritual, but it still takes its toll on the cities of Earth (but there are still many of humans on the Earth that oppose this.) Putting the part in parentheses with the same sentence makes it seem connected to the rest. Are you saying the sacrifice takes its toll on the cities of Earth because there are many humans on Earth that oppose it? Also, period after the ending parentheses. Now that you point it out, I'm not really sure what I was trying to do here. There are many humans that appose this, but that is not the main reason that it 'takes it's toll.' It's because, well, they are stealing families' children. But the families that stay intact (their children aren't the sacrifice) they are really angry and all upset about it, but it's not like they can do anything about it...? When these nonbelievers rioted against Oracion, the gods became angry once more. This is where you come in. So... Did the gods do anything because of this anger or do we come into the RP waiting for what they might do? The gods are doing weird things with their powers, telling the humans that they are getting frustrated/aggravated, so it's like, just beginning. We come in right there. And I'll have people playing the five different gods so it's not like, all on one person's shoulder to play the five gods, and their own character (if they wanted one). Edited January 21, 2012 by mickiloo97 Share this post Link to post
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