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Rainstarkitty

Legend of Rainstar

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Only keeping the characters and re-writing everything else. I will leave the old draft in this post and add parts of the new one later.

 

I've been working on a fanfic for a while and decided to post it here.

 

Keep in mind though, lots of Fighting and Blood. Do not read if you don't like violence.

 

Well, here is what I have so far, thoughts are italicized:

 

Rainstar

 

My name is Rainstar. I am the leader of SkyClan. What you are about to read is how I engraved my name in Clan history.

This is my story.

 

Long ago, when we still lived in the forest of TallTrees, I was born in a small den inside of a hollow tree. Back then, my name was Rainkit. My mother's name was Icygaze, and my father was Silverclaw. I have two brothers named Bluekit and Reedkit. My mother has an almost-white coat, with tinges of gray-blue fur and ice-blue eyes.. My father has a silver coat, almost the same colour as one of those twoleg cans they put crowfood in. My brother Bluekit has Blueish-gray stripes, and an icy white undercoat. Reedkit has extremely long whiskers, and a bracken coloured coat. What boggles my mind is how he got a bracken coat when neither of my parents have one. My parents and siblings may have unusual colours, but I am the most unusual of all. I am blue. Yes, blue. Don't ask me how, I have no clue. I also have strange markings all over my body. For example, I have an 8-pointed star on my forehead. The star is black as midnight, along with my other markings and stripes. I also have little darker blue splotches all over my body which look like rain drops. I have Ice-blue eyes like my mother, and silver claws like my father. All the other Clan members tease me about my being different. My mother always tells me not to worry about them, that I'll prove myself in time.

One morning I woke up in my little den and heard yowling. My mother was engaged in a verbal fight with our current leader, Mousestar. Mousestar has scraggly brown fur and beady black eyes like a mouse.

My mother was yowling, "Mousestar, the twolegs get closer and closer everyday! We need to move out of the forest, for the sake of our kits!"

The clan gasped and snarled in disapproval. "We'll be fine where we're at!" one spat.

"The twolegs will never come here!" another growled. Mousestar raised her tail to signal for silence. My heart was beating faster than a mouse can run. Will my mother be okay? I asked myself. Then, in one dreadful swipe of a paw, Mousestar tore out my mothers' throat. Blood spurted from the deep wound, showering the onlookers with dark droplets of cat blood. I screamed -I never knew cats could until now-, and I threw myself at Mousestar in a blind rage. I ripped my claws down her side until she was shrieking in agony. My claws glistened with fresh blood as I looked around, challenging the others to attack me. They backed off, and I was left alone to grieve for my dying mother.

Before her life faded away, she said to me, "You will lead the Clan into a time of peace and tranquility. Do not grieve for me, for you have to fullfil your destiny." Then she was gone. Late into the night, I sat by her broken body. I wonder what she meant about fullfilling my destiny?

The next morning, I woke up in my den. How did I get here? I thought. Maybe one of my clanmates brought me here. I got up and walked into the clearing. My mothers' body was still in the clearing. I winced. I guess they waited for me to get up. I walked over and pressed my nose into her bloodstained fur.

"I'll never forget you, mother," I whispered, fighting back tears of both sadness and rage. I sat up. What happened to Mousestar? I wondered. Maybe she's in the medicine cat's den. I walked slowly over to the medicine den, trying to decide if it would be appropriate for me to go in. I'll stay out here. I stood still and listened intently.

"There, Mousestar. You'll be fine as long as you get some rest," I heard one cat mew. That must be the medicine cat!

"I can't stay in here, Heathershine. I have a Clan to run!" Mousestar growled, and stood up. She wobbled a little, and walked out into the clearing. Heathershine followed not long after. Seeing me crouched down, she turned with teeth bared.

"Now look who's here; it's the traitor that attacked me yesterday! What are you still doing on our territory?!" Mousestar snarled.

"She's a kit, Mousestar. She didn't even hurt you that bad; why are you so mad? You did murder her mother," Heathershine mewed.

"So now you're on her side? You must be a traitor also!" Mousestar snarled. She walked over to the HighTree, but being unable to climb up, she sat on it's roots.

"All cats old enough to catch their own prey, gather around the HighTree for a Clan meeting!" Mousestar yowled. As soon as the cats had settled, Mousestar began her rant.

"We have two traitors in our Clan; Rainkit and Heathershine! They will both be exiled from SkyClan!" She snarled loudly.

"And if any of you catches them on our territory... Rip them limb from limb. Rainkit, Heathershine, you have 30 seconds to get out of my sight. If you don't, I will deal with you personally..," She trailed off.

"Exile! Exile!" The Clan chanted.

"Foxdung! Rainkit, we better get out of here before they kill us!" Heathershine yelped.

"We better go fast," I mewed. I glanced back at my mothers' body. Why did it have to come to this? I'll be back, mother. I promise. When I figure out what you meant. Heathershine then picked me up by the scruff and ran like a WindClan cat to get away from Mousestar. We reached the Moor at sunset.

I woke up at moonhigh, struggling to remember what had happened that day. It almost seemed like I was dreaming the whole time. Yes, now I remember. Mousestar exiled Heathershine and I. What in StarClan should we do now? Shaking those thoughts out of my head, I sat up and yawned hugely, which woke Heathershine up.

"Rainkit, what are you doing up? You should be sleeping, we have a lot of ground to cover tomorrow!" Heathershine mewed groggily.

"I know," I sighed, "but the excitement from earlier is keeping me up."

"Just try to get some sleep," she mumbled as she layed her head upon her paws. I guess I should try to sleep now. We still have to keep running tomorrow. I hope WindClan will shelter us for a day, and give us time to recover from this mess. Then I let my thoughts drift off and fell asleep.

I woke up in a sunlit meadow, surrounded by moon-coloured flowers swaying in the wind. I must be dreaming. I thought.

"Yes, you are little one," a soothing voice came from behind me. I whirled around. There was a beautiful cloud-cloured cat with stars glistening in her fur.

"How did you know what I was thinking?" I replied, startled.

"I know everything, little Rainkit. I am here to tell you about the prophecy," She mewed softly.

"What prophecy?" I questioned. Could she mean my mother's last words?

"Yes. I am here to tell you more of the prophecy. But then, you must figure the rest out by yourself..," she started to fade.

"Wait! You haven't even told me your name!" I yowled after her.

"Cloudwhisper..," her voice echoed.

"Wake up, Rainkit, A WindClan patrol is here!" Heathershine prodded me awake.

"Huh..What.?" I mewed sleepily.

"WindClan. Apparently we're going to be staying with them for a few days," Heathershine whispered.

"Really? that's wonderful," I replied. More time for me to think. A WindClan she-cat stepped out of the patrol standing nearby.

"Alright, if you want to get to our camp and get settled before sunset we'd best leave now," she meowed. I looked at the sky. It's sunhigh, I didn't realize I'd slept this late! Heathershine must've seen that I was surprised, because she gave me a confused glance.

"I didn't know I slept this late," I whispered to Heathershine.

"Oh," she mumbled. As we started walking towards the WindClan Camp, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I turned my head to look, and a rabbit darted out from the grass and into a hole. I went over to investigate the hole. I peeked into it and saw darkness. I guess it goes pretty deep into the ground. I sighed. Now I'll never know what's down there. When Heathershine saw I was missing, she panicked.

"Rainkit? Rainkit?! Where are you?!" she cried.

"Over here, Heathershine. I found a rabbit hole," I mewed in response. Now it was her turn to be surprised. She trotted over and looked into the hole.

"How do you know it's a rabbit hole? There's nothing but darkness down there," she meowed skeptically.

"I saw a rabbit dart into it, Heathershine. It looked tasty!" I sighed. My stomach rumbled.

"We'll get you some freshkill when we get back to the Camp. But right now we have to get there before sunset, so come on; let's go." The WindClan she-cat mewed impatiently.

"Okay. No more distractions like that, Rainkit. We have to follow the patrol," Heathershine scolded me. Once again we walked towards the Camp. Eventually we came to a hollow in the middle of the moor. There was blood everywhere.

 

I will update whenever I write more. For now, I'm just curious to see what people think.

 

Updated again.

 

Blessed Be! ~Rain

Edited by RainStar13

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... I'll be honest, I only got up to the point where the mother was killed. What kind of leader would kill a mother just for disagreeing like that? If it's trying to make us sympathize with Rainkit, it's not working.

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@Dr. Paine I was just writing what came into my head and haven't revised most of it. So there's bound to be kinks in it.

 

@Dragoncia Thanks. One of my favourite book series too, but it's going downhill currently.

 

@Switch Same thing I said to Dr. Paine, I just wrote what was in my head. I might just rewrite the story because I started a while ago and never really thought anything out.

 

So, when I edit or rewrite or whatever I'll post it here. Now I need time to do it lol.

 

Blessed Be! ~Rain

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Edited some of it:

 

One morning I woke up in my little den and heard yowling. My mother was engaged in a verbal fight with our current leader, Mousestar. Mousestar has scraggly brown fur and beady black eyes like a mouse. My mother was yowling, "Mousestar, the twolegs get closer and closer everyday! We need to move out of the forest, for the sake of our kits!" The clan gasped and snarled in disapproval. "We'll be fine where we're at!" one spat. "The twolegs will never come here!" another growled. Mousestar raised her tail to signal for silence. My heart was beating faster than a mouse can run. Will my mother be okay? I asked myself. Then, in one dreadful swipe of a paw, Mousestar tore out my mothers' throat. Blood spurted from the deep wound, showering the onlookers with dark droplets of cat blood. I screamed -I never knew cats could until now-, and I threw myself at Mousestar in a blind rage. I ripped my claws down her side until she was shrieking in agony. My claws glistened with fresh blood as I looked around, challenging the others to attack me. They backed off, and I was left alone to grieve for my dying mother. Before her life faded away, she said to me, "You will lead the Clan into a time of peace and tranquility. Do not grieve for me, for you have to fullfil your destiny." Then she was gone. Late into the night, I sat by her broken body. I wonder what she meant about fullfilling my destiny?

The next morning, I woke up in my den. How did I get here? I thought. Maybe one of my clanmates brought me here. I got up and walked into the clearing. My mothers' body was still in the clearing. I winced. I guess they waited for me to get up. I walked over and pressed my nose into her bloodstained fur. "I'll never forget you, mother," I whispered, fighting back tears of both sadness and rage. I sat up. What happened to Mousestar? I wondered. Maybe she's in the medicine cat's den. I walked slowly over to the medicine den, trying to decide if it would be appropriate for me to go in. I'll stay out here. I stood still and listened intently. "There, Mousestar. You'll be fine as long as you get some rest," I heard one cat mew. That must be the medicine cat! "I can't stay in here, Heathershine. I have a Clan to run!" Mousestar growled, and stood up. She wobbled a little, and walked out into the clearing. Heathershine followed not long after. Seeing me crouched down, she turned with teeth bared. "Now look who's here; it's the traitor that attacked me yesterday! What are you still doing on our territory?!" Mousestar snarled. "She's a kit, Mousestar. She didn't even hurt you that bad; why are you so mad? You did murder her mother," Heathershine mewed. "So now you're on her side? You must be a traitor also!" Mousestar snarled. She walked over to the HighTree, but being unable to climb up, she sat on it's roots. "All cats old enough to catch their own prey, gather around the HighTree for a Clan meeting!" Mousestar yowled. As soon as the cats had settled, Mousestar began her rant. "We have two traitors in our Clan; Rainkit and Heathershine! They will both be exiled from SkyClan!" She snarled loudly. "And if any of you catches them on our territory... Rip them limb from limb. Rainkit, Heathershine, you have 30 seconds to get out of my sight. If you don't, I will deal with you personally..," She trailed off. "Exile! Exile!" The Clan chanted. "Foxdung! Rainkit, we better get out of here before they kill us!" Heathershine yelped. "We better go fast," I mewed. I glanced back at my mothers' body. Why did it have to come to this? I'll be back, mother. I promise. When I figure out what you meant. Heathershine then picked me up by the scruff and ran like a WindClan cat to get away from Mousestar. We reached the Moor at sunset.

I woke up at moonhigh, struggling to remember what had happened that day. It almost seemed like I was dreaming the whole time. Yes, now I remember. Mousestar exiled Heathershine and I. I yawned hugely, waking Heathershine up. "Rainkit, what are you doing up? You should be sleeping, we have a lot of ground to cover tomorrow!" Heathershine mewed groggily. "I know," I sighed, "but the excitement from earlier is keeping me up." "Just try to get some sleep," she mumbled as she layed her head upon her paws. I guess I should try to sleep now. We still have to keep running tomorrow. I hope WindClan will shelter us for a day, and give us time to recover from this mess. Then I let my thoughts drift off and fell asleep.

I woke up in a sunlit meadow, surrounded by moon-coloured flowers swaying in the wind. I must be dreaming. I thought. "Yes, you are little one," a soothing voice came from behind me. I whirled around. There was a beautiful cloud-cloured cat with stars glistening in her fur. "How did you know what I was thinking?" I replied, startled. "I know everything, little Rainkit. I am here to tell you about the prophecy," She mewed softly. "What prophecy?" I questioned. Could she mean my mother's last words? "Yes. I am here to tell you more of the prophecy. But then, you must figure the rest out by yourself..," she started to fade. "Wait! You haven't even told me your name!" I yowled after her. "Cloudwhisper..," her voice echoed.

"Wake up, Rainkit, A WindClan patrol is here!" Heathershine prodded me awake. "Huh..What.?" I mewed sleepily. "WindClan. Apparently we're going to be staying with them for a few days," Heathershine whispered. "Really? that's wonderful," I replied. More time for me to think. A WindClan she-cat stepped out of the patrol standing nearby. "Alright, if you want to get to our camp and get settled before sunset we'd best leave now," she meowed. I looked at the sky. It's sunhigh, I didn't realize I'd slept this late! Heathershine must've seen that I was surprised, because she gave me a confused glance. "I didn't know I slept this late," I whispered to Heathershine. "Oh," she mumbled. As we started walking towards the WindClan Camp, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I turned my head to look, and a rabbit darted out from the grass and into a hole. I went over to investigate the hole. I peeked into it and saw darkness. I guess it goes pretty deep into the ground. I sighed. Now I'll never know what's down there. When Heathershine saw I was missing, she panicked. "Rainkit? Rainkit?! Where are you?!" she cried. "Over here, Heathershine. I found a rabbit hole," I mewed in response. Now it was her turn to be surprised. She trotted over and looked into the hole. "How do you know it's a rabbit hole? There's nothing but darkness down there," she meowed skeptically. "I saw a rabbit dart into it, Heathershine. It looked tasty!" I sighed. My stomach rumbled. "We'll get you some freshkill when we get back to the Camp. But right now we have to get there before sunset, so come on; let's go." The WindClan she-cat mewed impatiently. "Okay. No more distractions like that, Rainkit. We have to follow the patrol," Heathershine scolded me. Once again we walked towards the Camp. Eventually we came to a hollow in the middle of the moor. There was blood everywhere.

 

Better? I'll go update the first post now.

 

Blessed Be! ~Rain

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It's better, although I'm curious as to why Rainstar acts like it's nothing to worry about when she wakes up and remembers she was exiled.

 

Sure, she was groggy, but, wouldn't she panic for at least two seconds?

 

 

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I edited the part you mentioned.

 

Yes, now I remember. Mousestar exiled Heathershine and I. What in StarClan should we do now? Shaking those thoughts out of my head, I sat up and yawned hugely, which woke Heathershine up.

 

Blessed Be! ~Rain

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Rain, I think your problem is that you move too fast.

 

All the emotions and events feel horribly shallow. Rainkit seems like she doesn't care about anything that's happened to herself or others. There's no grief, not even anything more than the shallow sadness you might feel at losing a pencil when you need it.

 

Slow down. Get into her head. How would you feel, if someone ripped just killed your mother right in front of you? If you were forced away from everything you ever knew and loved, simply because you were outraged?

 

And seriously, what the heck is up with Mousestar? WHY did she kill Icygaze? Why did she exile Rainkit?

 

"She's a kit, Mousestar. She didn't even hurt you that bad; why are you so mad? You did murder her mother," Heathershine mewed."

 

... really. Look at that. Aside from how throw-away the line is, what insane troll logic is Mousestar running on, to think that murdering a queen is fine, and then throw out the kit because she was upset?

 

On a more technical standpoint, you need to break up your text. Maybe some of my questions are answered, I wouldn't know, reading through the brick 'o text up there gets extremely disorienting xd.png You may want to remember how to properly write dialogue. Namely, any new speech (and/or new speaker) must be in a new paragraph; e.g:

 

"Foxdung! Rainkit, we better get out of here before they kill us!" Heathershine yelped. "We better go fast," I mewed. I glanced back at my mothers' body.

 

That is incorrect.

 

"Foxdung! Rainkit, we better get out of here before they kill us!" Heathershine yelped.

 

"We better go fast," I mewed. I glanced back at my mothers' body.

 

That is correct.

Edited by Dr. Paine

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Rain, I think your problem is that you move too fast.

 

All the emotions and events feel horribly shallow. Rainkit seems like she doesn't care about anything that's happened to herself or others. There's no grief, not even anything more than the shallow sadness you might feel at losing a pencil when you need it.

 

Slow down. Get into her head. How would you feel, if someone ripped just killed your mother right in front of you? If you were forced away from everything you ever knew and loved, simply because you were outraged?

 

And seriously, what the heck is up with Mousestar? WHY did she kill Icygaze? Why did she exile Rainkit?

 

"She's a kit, Mousestar. She didn't even hurt you that bad; why are you so mad? You did murder her mother," Heathershine mewed."

 

... really. Look at that. Aside from how throw-away the line is, what insane troll logic is Mousestar running on, to think that murdering a queen is fine, and then throw out the kit because she was upset?

 

On a more technical standpoint, you need to break up your text. Maybe some of my questions are answered, I wouldn't know, reading through the brick 'o text up there gets extremely disorienting xd.png You may want to remember how to properly write dialogue. Namely, any new speech (and/or new speaker) must be in a new paragraph; e.g:

 

 

 

That is incorrect.

 

 

 

That is correct.

I have a problem with going too fast. I'll try and force myself to go back through slower.

Mousestar is kinda... crazy. Maybe I should do a backstory for her so it can clarify things. But this is actually a backstory for my own character, Rainstar. So there will several layers to the story if I add more about other characters. Maybe that would be good, I dunno if it would be too confusing. I'll see what I can do.

And I've fixed the paragraphs. I kinda forgot about that rule. >.>

 

 

Blessed Be! ~Rain

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It would be very helpful if you explained Mousestar more xd.png

 

Another few tips/things that just bug me (as a reader, period): First person perspective is extremely difficult to pull off correctly, I think you'd be best with third person omniscient for this particular story. It'll help with adding to Mousestar's character, without pulling way too much focus from Rainkit.

 

Second: ... Rainkit. I'm very sorry to have to pull this card, but...

"My parents and siblings may have unusual colours, but I am the most unusual of all. I am blue. Yes, blue. Don't ask me how, I have no clue. I also have strange markings all over my body. For example, I have an 8-pointed star on my forehead. The star is black as midnight, along with my other markings and stripes. I also have little darker blue splotches all over my body which look like rain drops. I have Ice-blue eyes like my mother, and silver claws like my father. All the other Clan members tease me about my being different. My mother always tells me not to worry about them, that I'll prove myself in time."

 

This is almost exactly what I've seen in examples of Mary Sues, if not real Sues themselves. Why is her family so abnormally colored? Why is SHE so abnormal? Why the little star? That's not exactly something you see in the Warriors series, right (maddening plots aside, I have always been happy to see they keep appearances natural.)? So why should you break canon laws just for your character? I'd also like to point out, 'icy white/ice blue' is just... pointless xd.png They somehow manages to both be redundant, and an oxymoron (as ice rarely ever has color, and at best, it's just kinda cloudy). Why not plain 'white'? Or 'snowy white', if you must, and 'blue' for... well, blue? You may also want to look up common cat/breed specific colorations, just to make sure you get things right smile.gif

 

Also, on the subject of Rainkit being teased- would all the others really tease her? Why? She'd be FAR more sympathetic if she actually had some friends around the clan, rather than just being made fun of. I'm sure some cats would tease her, but the entire Clan is just a bit much.

 

Third:

 

Before her life faded away, she said to me, "You will lead the Clan into a time of peace and tranquility. Do not grieve for me, for you have to fullfil your destiny."

 

Now, I haven't kept up with the books all that much. But from what I did read (the first series, part of the second, Firestar's Quest, Code/Guide to the Clans), this just didn't happen. Prophecies came from StarClan, cats that were already dead (and were also FAR less specific. Even the Power of Three prophecy was ambiguous, and took a while for others to understand. And they didn't even get it totally right the first time).

 

It's also just... cheesy. I understand wanting Rainkit to have an important destiny, but why point it out while she's just a kit? It's the same issue the Nostalgia Critic discussed in his review of The Secret of NIMH 2: you build up these characters as something great, when they've done absolutely nothing. Readers don't like to be hit over the head with the 'THIS IS TEH HERO' mallet, either. This prophecy, combined with an obviously special appearance, is... it's bad. It's just bad.

 

To fix it: You'd be best with a medicine cat, or cat with some connection to StarClan, making the prophecy, and make it less clear-cut. StarClan loves symbolism, right? You've got a cat with 'rain' in her name, you could totally make some reference to a calming shower. With Mousestar... mice are voracious eaters, are they not? Perhaps (and please, do not actually use this. One, it sucks, and two, it's your story xd.png) something like:

 

"The mouse devours all and destroys the land, but the gentle rain will bring peace"? If Mousestar is sort of insane (or totally mad- and if she is, show it. Show her being nuts, instilling enough fear in the Clan that no one tries to kick her out or anything, things like that. Don't just make it basic, mustache twirling 'muahahaha' evil, either. You've warned us of blood, so show it! Make her so terrifying that no cat would want to speak against her, and make her have good reasoning for it. Don't just go the ShadowClan, 'designated evil' route, give her motivations and as much depth as any other character), maybe she hears this before Rainkit's birth, and sees it (correctly?) as a sign of her own demise. So... maybe she bans the word 'rain' from being used, but Icygaze disobeys. This could lead to Mousestar's reasoning for killing her- it's not perfect, but it's a lot less right the Pinkie Pie out of nowhere than the current draft. It could also play into her reasoning for exiling a kit.

 

Hopefully this covers things smile.gif I'd like to make sure you know that I am in no way saying you should give this up. Far from it, I insist you keep at it! But if you're writing to share with people, you need to take some of the more basic rules of fiction into account. Especially when it comes to fanfiction.

Edited by Dr. Paine

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It would be very helpful if you explained Mousestar more xd.png

 

Another few tips/things that just bug me (as a reader, period): First person perspective is extremely difficult to pull off correctly, I think you'd be best with third person omniscient for this particular story. It'll help with adding to Mousestar's character, without pulling way too much focus from Rainkit.

 

Second: ... Rainkit. I'm very sorry to have to pull this card, but...

 

 

This is almost exactly what I've seen in examples of Mary Sues, if not real Sues themselves. Why is her family so abnormally colored? Why is SHE so abnormal? Why the little star? That's not exactly something you see in the Warriors series, right (maddening plots aside, I have always been happy to see they keep appearances natural.)? So why should you break canon laws just for your character? I'd also like to point out, 'icy white/ice blue' is just... pointless xd.png They somehow manages to both be redundant, and an oxymoron (as ice rarely ever has color, and at best, it's just kinda cloudy). Why not plain 'white'? Or 'snowy white', if you must, and 'blue' for... well, blue? You may also want to look up common cat/breed specific colorations, just to make sure you get things right smile.gif

 

Third:

 

 

 

Now, I haven't kept up with the books all that much. But from what I did read (the first series, part of the second, Firestar's Quest, Code/Guide to the Clans), this just didn't happen. Prophecies came from StarClan, cats that were already dead (and were also FAR less specific. Even the Power of Three prophecy was ambiguous, and took a while for others to understand. And they didn't even get it totally right the first time).

 

It's also just... cheesy. I understand wanting Rainkit to have an important destiny, but why point it out while she's just a kit? It's the same issue the Nostalgia Critic discussed in his review of The Secret of NIMH 2: you build up these characters as something great, when they've done absolutely nothing. Readers don't like to be hit over the head with the 'THIS IS TEH HERO' mallet, either. This prophecy, combined with an obviously special appearance, is... it's bad. It's just bad.

 

To fix it: You'd be best with a medicine cat, or cat with some connection to StarClan, making the prophecy, and make it less clear-cut. StarClan loves symbolism, right? You've got a cat with 'rain' in her name, you could totally make some reference to a calming shower. With Mousestar... mice are voracious eaters, are they not? Perhaps (and please, do not actually use this. One, it sucks, and two, it's your story xd.png) something like:

 

"The mouse devours all and destroys the land, but the gentle rain will bring peace"? If Mousestar is sort of insane (or totally mad- and if she is, show it. Show her being nuts, instilling enough fear in the Clan that no one tries to kick her out or anything, things like that. Don't just make it basic, mustache twirling 'muahahaha' evil, either. You've warned us of blood, so show it! Make her so terrifying that no cat would want to speak against her, and make her have good reasoning for it. Don't just go the ShadowClan, 'designated evil' route, give her motivations and as much depth as any other character), maybe she hears this before Rainkit's birth, and sees it (correctly?) as a sign of her own demise. So... maybe she bans the word 'rain' from being used, but Icygaze disobeys. This could lead to Mousestar's reasoning for killing her- it's not perfect, but it's a lot less right the Pinkie Pie out of nowhere than the current draft. It could also play into her reasoning for exiling a kit.

 

Hopefully this covers things smile.gif I'd like to make sure you know that I am in no way saying you should give this up. Far from it, I insist you keep at it! But if you're writing to share with people, you need to take some of the more basic rules of fiction into account. Especially when it comes to fanfiction.

I guess I'll change it to third person omniscient.

 

Lots of other people break canon for their characters, and anyway, she's abnormal because she's me as a cat. I'm very different from everyone I've met, she is also. About the star, I actually didn't know the symbolism until I looked it up, but I felt it had some kind of connection: Link And I used ice blue because I was trying to give the feeling of a cold blue colour, like a really light blue, almost translucent. Overall the blue colour symbolizes me because I'm always depressed. Rainstar is more 'me' with a fictional backstory than she is a original character.

 

I can see what you mean by the prophecies being vague and incoherent. I'm not that good at thinking up those things though.

 

I'll change the story so Heathershine is the one originally telling the prophecy, and then Cloudwhisper comes in to clarify a little.

 

That's actually a good idea. I'll try and incorporate it into my story.

 

I wasn't originally going to share it with people, but I figured, why not? More feedback = better writing.

 

Blessed Be! ~Rain

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"Lots of other people break canon for their characters, and anyway, she's abnormal because she's me as a cat. I'm very different from everyone I've met, she is also."

 

... I'm sorry, but that's just not a good excuse (and it's one I've seen almost every Sue-writer pull).

 

First- and this speaks from several years of writing, reading, and studying fanfic- those who screw with canon without either having an extremely good reason, being VERY good at it, or otherwise just writing plain old crackfic, are usually scoffed or outright laughed at. It's breaking the established rules just to make your character all the more better, and it's just not a good way to get readers. It just seems like plain-old self gratification, which is fine. If you're writing for yourself. But if you want to write for others, you need to be more subtle with self-insertion, if you must do it.

 

Second: You can be different without being OHSOSPECHUL. I'm different from most people I've met. You're different. Rhea's different, so is Switch, and every other member of these forums. And I'll bet you every single dragon I have that none of us look all that different from the rest of the population. The symbolism is just... it's best saved for a fursona/original story where you can get away with this. But don't put it into Warriors fanfic, unless everyone gets to have special colors/destinies/symbolism/etc.

 

I think This and the related pages would explain far better than I ever could. This too. (Why did it take so long for me to remember the name of that trope... xd.png)

 

As for 'ice-blue'... I can see what you're trying to get at. But maybe just 'cold' blue? Or clear? Pale? Or look at various shades for blue.

 

... or just use blue, and leave it to a reader's imagination xd.png It's not perfect, but it helps the story keep flowing, and doesn't trip the reader up on details that just don't fit properly.

Edited by Dr. Paine

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"Lots of other people break canon for their characters, and anyway, she's abnormal because she's me as a cat. I'm very different from everyone I've met, she is also."

 

... I'm sorry, but that's just not a good excuse (and it's one I've seen almost every Sue-writer pull).

 

First- and this speaks from several years of writing, reading, and studying fanfic- those who screw with canon without either having an extremely good reason, being VERY good at it, or otherwise just writing plain old crackfic, are usually scoffed or outright laughed at. It's breaking the established rules just to make your character all the more better, and it's just not a good way to get readers. It just seems like plain-old self gratification, which is fine. If you're writing for yourself. But if you want to write for others, you need to be more subtle with self-insertion, if you must do it.

 

Second: You can be different without being OHSOSPECHUL. I'm different from most people I've met. You're different. Rhea's different, so is Switch, and every other member of these forums. And I'll bet you every single dragon I have that none of us look all that different from the rest of the population. The symbolism is just... it's best saved for a fursona/original story where you can get away with this. But don't put it into Warriors fanfic, unless everyone gets to have special colors/destinies/symbolism/etc.

 

I think This and the related pages would explain far better than I ever could. This too. (Why did it take so long for me to remember the name of that trope... xd.png)

 

As for 'ice-blue'... I can see what you're trying to get at. But maybe just 'cold' blue? Or clear? Pale? Or look at various shades for blue.

 

... or just use blue, and leave it to a reader's imagination xd.png It's not perfect, but it helps the story keep flowing, and doesn't trip the reader up on details that just don't fit properly.

-sigh- It's only a Warriors fanfic because it wouldn't fit in anything else. I roleplayed this character with my friends in 4th and 5th grade on the playground. We all had unusual characters, yet we still played it as a 'Warriors' game. I'm just taking those roleplays and making them into a story.

 

Even if I wanted to make this into a non-Warriors story, my mind just doesn't work that way. She began from my love of Warriors, so I can't think of her as anything but a Warrior cat. And if I kept too close to my current story yet said it wasn't something with ideas from Warriors, wouldn't that be plagiarism? Rainstar is basically my fursona, but with a Warriors-based backstory. I don't know how else to explain it.

 

If I do continue with this I'll just go with light blue for her eyes.

 

I don't know if I want to continue though, I might just have a mod close this topic and work on it in private if I ever work on it again.

 

Blessed Be! ~Rain

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Ah D: That can be difficult, yeah... I had a story do something similar.

 

This really could work as a Warriors fanfic, though. Aside from what's already mentioned, I don't see anything that would stop it from being a pretty good one smile.gif I'd hate to see you scrap it, when it's just... well, rough xd.png Everyone starts somewhere, but even if this doesn't wind up being just the story you had originally wanted, it'll be a good learning experience at the absolute least. And it'll be a step towards writing the story you originally wanted smile.gif

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Ah D: That can be difficult, yeah... I had a story do something similar.

 

This really could work as a Warriors fanfic, though. Aside from what's already mentioned, I don't see anything that would stop it from being a pretty good one smile.gif I'd hate to see you scrap it, when it's just... well, rough xd.png Everyone starts somewhere, but even if this doesn't wind up being just the story you had originally wanted, it'll be a good learning experience at the absolute least. And it'll be a step towards writing the story you originally wanted smile.gif

I really don't know if I want to scrap it or not, if I don't I'll probably rework it for a a month or two before posting anything of it again.

I just have trouble taking critique for my writing. I can take it for my art because I'm much more comfortable with drawing than I am writing. It's just kinda foreign for me to write a story instead of draw.

 

Blessed Be! ~Rain

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I don't think you should scrap this, it's got potential, however many kinks it has. Edited by rainpeltstar

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The characters are staying but I'm entirely re-writing this with a better plot. It's not entirely Warriors anymore either. Hopefully I will be finished by the end of the month, I'm participating in NaNoWriMo with the new story.

 

Blessed Be! ~Rain

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