Bullying

[Fuzzbucket]

We may not be able to change things - but it is a FACT that some people are easy to bully and CANNOT toughen up. Should they be left to - kind of ROT ? Some rather nasty forms of behaviour from our past have been stopped; bullying etc can be too, if we work together.

[KageSora]

I originally was going to give a lengthy reply to several more things, but in the end I feel that moving on away from them is best for me at this point, before I say something I will regret or get myself in trouble. Especially as you seemed to flip-flop in what you were saying. That may not have been intentional, but what you said initially and what you're saying now seem to be two different things.

 

However, there are a few things I will say, Evil.

 

 

Dont agree with you there, I dont think you can fix the world, but I do think that if we convince each and every individual that they are worth a lot, if we get everyone to know it and act like it, the world will follow, coz world is people, instead of fixing the world as a whole, fix the little pieces and you're fixing the big picture as well... my opinion, you dont have to agree ofc...

 

This world is broken. And I admit that it may never actually be possible to repair it completely. But just because it's broken doesn't mean we can't try. Just like with an object, you can fix it well enough for it to keep functioning, or to look pretty good, even if it's never the same as it was before it broke.

 

We should fix the little things, yes, but we must also try to fix them on a larger scale. Fixing those little things, changing the lives around us, will help make fixing the larger things easier, I agree. But that doesn't mean we can ignore them on the larger scale completely and just hope that our work on the smaller scale is enough. If you do not try to combat the larger whole, it just undoes the good you've done in another area.

 

For every bully you convince to change, our culture teachers more that they're not doing anything wrong because the victims would have stopped them if they were. For every man you teach not to rape, our culture shows many more women that they were at fault because they dressed a certain way, or they clearly didn't say no loud enough, or whatever.

 

If we ignore the larger picture, we're not really helping the smaller picture, either, because it gets undone.

 

 

I dont have some superior knowledge of trauma victims, encountered messed up things, and Im thinking Kage is less than twenty hence by default of her age couldnt have been through some of the things I have been through.. thats all I said

 

Wrong, I'm over 20. I do not, however, claim to have been through anywhere near what you're claiming.

 

I've been through my share of hell, more than I actually realized when I listed it all out in my head, but I'm not going to list it all out just for the sake of showing how bad I've had it.

 

Because, honestly, for as much suffering as I've been through, I'm grateful that I've not had it worse. My suffering is not invalidated by the fact that there are people who there who have suffered more. I am angry that I have had to suffer because the world is cruel, and other people do terrible things to each other in order to build themselves up. But at the same time, as I said, I'm grateful it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

 

Most of what I've been through hasn't been physical, and it's done emotional damage. I can't and won't claim to know what it's like to deal with people who have PTSD, I won't and can't claim to know what a warzone is like, I can't and won't claim to have saved numerous lives when those people wanted to end it all. I can't and won't claim to know what it is to be raped, or horribly oppressed due to sexism or racism or your sexuality or anything like that.

 

But I do know what it is to be bullied, I do know what it is to be treated somewhat unfairly because of things beyond my control, and I do know what it is to suffer enough emotional damage to want to end everything.

 

I could give specifics, if I needed, and will if it's demanded of me that I give examples of the darkness of humanity that I've seen. But for all the cruelty I've seen, I've seen infinite kindness buried beneath it, as wonderful people try to help the victims of the cruelty. Yes, humans can be infinitely cruel to each other, and that's where we end up with things like having to discuss bullying and sexism in the first place.

 

But they can also be infinitely kind, caring, and helpful. They can show limitless love, and open their hearts and/or homes up to the less fortunate to provide them with a small sanctuary to rest in while they prepare to deal with the crap in their lives again.

 

, if kage cant stand me but has also discovered that she can be a little warrior who bites back instead of a "tank" who's only absorbing, in my eyes its a win win....

 

You had nothing to do with that, I knew that already. Sometimes, there are things about you that cause the world to see you negatively, and you just have to defend yourself because those views are based on unfair and untrue misconceptions.

 

I just generally prefer to avoid having to fight back if I can. But, I've also learned that even when a person seems adamant in their views, they CAN have their minds changed. I've changed several people's views on things before, and helped them become more open-minded and accepting. So even if I generally prefer not to have to bite back and to avoid those situations, there are times, like now, when I feel I should speak up.

 

Besides, even if I can't change your mind, I can learn from the experience, and that can help me in the future dealing with others of similar mindsets.

 

 

And that's why talking about things like sexism is important--by showing our side of the matter, we can change those who formerly saw no wrong in their behavior. It is what helps to improve the world.

 

 

Also:

if you allow me to hurt your feelings, a person who knows nothing about you, thats kinda your choice

 

That is the perfect example of what's wrong today. That is a great example of the victim-blaming/shaming culture that causes so many problems for the victims today.

 

The blame is to fall squarely on the shoulders of the one who is the aggressor, the bully, the sexist jerk, the racist person, the rapist, the killer, etc. The victim is not at fault, unless they intentionally put themselves into a situation where they would suffer and even then it is still not entirely their fault.

 

And by that I don't mean "That girl was dressed too revealing, she was asking to be raped" or something. I mean like people who intentionally seek out high-risk situations they could otherwise easily avoid and intentionally put themselves in there knowing beforehand that there is a high likelihood of a negative response to their behavior. They don't deserve to be treated like crap, but they knew beforehand it was likely and should have avoided it if possible.

[Zovesta]

We may not be able to change things - but it is a FACT that some people are easy to bully and CANNOT toughen up. Should they be left to - kind of ROT ? Some rather nasty forms of behaviour from our past have been stopped; bullying etc can be too, if we work together.

God, no. And that was pretty much what I was saying, yeah.

[Ashes The Second]

-snip-

I agree with what you've stated, 100%. Evil, this isn't a blame game. This is reality. There is no need to be 'you do this or you're weak'. And to assume someone's age is.. rather rude. How old do you think I am? 20+? Not even close. I can't stand people like that. You /cannot/ assume someone's age based on their posts. it.. just doesn't work that way.

[The Evil Doer]

There was no flip-floping but merely a misunderstanding of what I am saying

 

if you allow me to hurt your feelings, a person who knows nothing about you, thats kinda your choice

 

That is the perfect example of what's wrong today. That is a great example of the victim-blaming/shaming culture that causes so many problems for the victims today.

 

Its taken out of context, missing everything I am saying, the important part of the sentence is

 

If you allow ME to hurt you

A person who knows nothing about you

 

Its not about blaming the victim its about getting the message across the board, and that message is -

 

I said, your family, your friends, people you know can hurt you with words, can hurt you a lot, the key is that you know them, you have certain feelings towards them and you care about what they say..

 

Person, who you think is an idiot, coz lets face it he acts like an idiot, person you have encountered on an internet forum (like me for example), person who doesnt know a single thing about you, person who if he dies this second you shouldnt care less about, such person is nothing to you, as I said over there - as insignificant as some random bug in Africa which you will never even see. If you allow such insignificant creature so much power over you, if you allow him to have such an emotional impact over you then

 

The conclusion is simple, you simply dont love yourself enough, Im not saying youre not in love with yourself/have some narcissistic personality disorder Im saying you dont love yourself enough, when you look at yourself its like "ehh whatever" instead of a huge smile and a "yeah you're still awesome Kage" so the point is love yourself more, know that you are amazing and awesome coz the truth is you really are so why dont you freaking acknowledge it already ? When you realize that and truly love Kage (yourself), when you finally feel cool with yourself there will be nothin some random bug you dont even know can say to hurt your feelings, he will be able to get you mad but never hurt your feelings coz when its all said and done he's still irrelevant to you, nothing but a worthless bug...

 

That was my point, and if you go through my posts you will see thats exactly what I said...

 

Ofc, you dont have to agree with me, you can dismiss it and say he's just blaming the victim, or you can stop for three seconds and say, you know what, let me really think about what he's saying, really think about it... up to you though...

 

Im kinda done with this topic, you wanna say Im blaiming rape victims for being raped... so be it, its a ridiculous statement but however you wanna play it is fine with me...

 

Really do hope none of you get bullied ever, have a cool week all...

[Fuzzbucket]

Its taken out of context, missing everything I am saying, the important part of the sentence is

 

If you allow ME to hurt you

A person who knows nothing about you

 

Its not about blaming the victim its about getting the message across the board, and that message is -

 

I said, your family, your friends, people you know can hurt you with words, can hurt you a lot, the key is that you know them, you have certain feelings towards them and you care about what they say..

 

IF someone I have never met on line pushes a button that is in my little mind dangerous and triggers bad stuff - that is not necessarily under my control. We never know what will damage us until it does. None of us.

 

If we did, there would not be all the suicides there are as a direct result of facebook posts from people unknown to the victim. When - for instance - you are already touchy about your appearance, your sexuality, your stutter - and ONE person picks that up and posts ONE little post on facebook (I pick on that as it is dangerously unmoderated; here Socky or someone would sit on their heads..) and then you get - in one case as I recall - over 20,000 posts in two days (suicide followed) saying what a dork, gay is filth, god, you are the ugliest person I have ever seen, like like like - it CAN cause damage. You get to feel that everyone you ever meet will feel that way about you.

 

You can be "strong" all you like - but it would be better for us all who care to try and change that pattern for those of us who - whatever you think - actually can't be the tough guys you'd like us to be. Some of your posts affect me. I am 67 years old, seen loads that you haven't, just not in the war zone, more in the area of the seriously mentally ill - and as tough as they come (except physically) but now and again your posts have triggered something that hit a nerve and hurt - notably about suicide. You haven't been that desperate. I have. I failed, too - and MAN does THAT make you feel worse. If people I didn't know had at that point posted how stupid I was to get even THAT wrong - I'd have tried again on the spot.

 

You cannot generalise the way that you do about this. You are you, you are not all of us, and your way will never suit all of us. I was bullied in school, yes. I dealt with it in my own way - but I would bet - now that I am older and know more about how crap works - that the scars are part of what has affected me later - even though I did stand up to the creeps.

 

Man up and accept that there are other ways, ED. Kinder ways that may reach further than adding to it all by "fighting back."

Edited June 21, 2012 by fuzzbucket

[GokaiPink]

After reading the starting topic up till this point needed to sit down and gather my thoughts together. Like many here no doubt have found themselves to be bullied at some point in their life (present included) and handled it differently. While there are those who might come across victims as those who either do not think or love themselves cannot be proven as an actual cause. My point is at the times that I’ve found myself being bullied did care about myself and treated others with the same respect that I’d like to be treated. However, like fuzzbucket stated about ‘man up’ when a person encounters being bullied by someone is not quite always easy. While we’re told that we can always turn towards our family, teacher/instructors and etcetera how many actually follow through in what they tell us?

 

It is not always evident that a person is being bullied, but if someone approaches you that they are being bullied/harassed by someone listen. Even if you cannot do something to help resolve matters peacefully bring it to another persons’ attention that it can be handle accordingly than it be ignored. Bullying is a vicious cycle that keeps going and going.

Edited June 21, 2012 by GokaiPink

[kiffren]

Pretty sure The Evil One does not realize that depression is a mental illness, not a weakness of will or mind.  I think he has no idea that a mind can be hurt the way a body can be hurt.  Gives me the impression that he thinks if someone enjoys playing baseball, but is regularly spat on by thugs at every field they go to, it would be in their best interests to toughen up and suck it up and not let the bad guys ruin their fun instead of deciding it's not worth it and playing catch with friends at home.  I could be wrong, of course, but that's what I gather based on his recent posts.

^this. I've skimmed back over the posts, and I do believe that you're right about this. I have depression, I struggle to make it through some days. I also have what seems like terrible luck where everything keeps getting worse and worse. (I'm not talking minor incidents, my life has fallen apart completely and I'm trying to patch it up.) I've been suicidal, hell, I still am. I'd like nothing more than to just stop having to deal with all this.

 

That being said, I can't kill myself. Personal story time, feel free to skip if you would like.

 

Note: The following is a real account of a fatal accident. If you do not wish to read skip the quoted text. I have toned it down so that it is a PG-13 account.

I've mentioned this before, but to those that don't know I am a member of the National Ski Patrol. I have the equivalent of EMT-basic training. Anyways, I used to patrol at a mountain that had a long winding road to get there. On march 14th, 2010 I had to drive home early. I had a final the next day. Half way down the narrow winding road I came across an accident. A man, approximately 30 years old, was lying on his left side on the pavement. He was wearing a motorcycle helmet and a motorcycle jacket. There was a CHP officer there. After identifying myself I asked if he needed help, and he said yes. At the time I was 16 and had been a member of the NSP for 7 years. I had only been working incidents for a year due to liability reasons. Anyways, I parked my car next to the truck that the patient had run in to. Over two years later I can still recall the details of that day. I performed eight or so rounds of CPR before the paramedics got there. They called it on the scene. The victim's name was Trevor, and his best friend was there. Jason was gone, his life was over. I can still recall the haunting words his best friend said to me, "Is he unresponsive? He's my best friend. Oh my god, Trevor." The memory of those words still makes me feel like I failed. I failed to save Trevor, I failed at the thing I'm proudest of in my life (ski patrol). Note that the name of the victim has been changed to preserve his privacy.

 

For those that didn't read, I worked an incident where the victim died. I made a promise to the victim that I would do something great for him.

 

Because of that promise, I can't kill myself. I've been messed up since then. Thing is, no one but me really knows how bad it is. My best friend knew, but, well. Does it make me mentally weak?

 

You can't toughen up from something like that happening. Soldiers, some of the bravest men and women, get PTSD regularly. Are they mentally weak? No, they're not. It's just more than they can handle. Everyone has their limits, some people can handle things that others can't. I don't think that handling bullying or any other type of abuse is a way to determine whether you are mentally weak or strong.

[colorfusion]

What a sad, sad topic this is.

For those who are being bullied in school, I have to say, it will get better.

You will finish high school one day and you'll meet new people

and you will get over and even forget these bullies.

For those that have socializing problems I suggest getting a job that involves working with people.

I used to be very shy and I really didn't want a job, but I was very lonely back then, so I decided to get one anyway.

Dealing with customers and meeting new people in general helped me a lot.

Anyways, if anyone needs advice or just someone to talk to,

you can always send me a private message, I'm a good listener.

[kittygrl]

but the bad problem is, bullying tends to isolate you and that makes it well difficult at times to learn how to sometimes convey an emotion cuz you couldnt convey them to someone else.

 

I was terribly emotionally and mentally bullied and isolated to the point i didnt know how to really talk to someone for the fear of getting hurt again. even when i started dating my boyfriend i had to be taught a lot of things, and thank god he didn't you know take advantage of that.

Edited June 21, 2012 by kittygrl

[KageSora]

There was no flip-floping but merely a misunderstanding of what I am saying

 

 

 

That is the perfect example of what's wrong today. That is a great example of the victim-blaming/shaming culture that causes so many problems for the victims today.

 

Its taken out of context, missing everything I am saying, the important part of the sentence is

 

If you allow ME to hurt you

A person who knows nothing about you

 

Its not about blaming the victim its about getting the message across the board, and that message is -

 

I said, your family, your friends, people you know can hurt you with words, can hurt you a lot, the key is that you know them, you have certain feelings towards them and you care about what they say..

 

Person, who you think is an idiot, coz lets face it he acts like an idiot, person you have encountered on an internet forum (like me for example), person who doesnt know a single thing about you, person who if he dies this second you shouldnt care less about, such person is nothing to you, as I said over there - as insignificant as some random bug in Africa which you will never even see. If you allow such insignificant creature so much power over you, if you allow him to have such an emotional impact over you then

 

The conclusion is simple, you simply dont love yourself enough, Im not saying youre not in love with yourself/have some narcissistic personality disorder Im saying you dont love yourself enough, when you look at yourself its like "ehh whatever" instead of a huge smile and a "yeah you're still awesome Kage" so the point is love yourself more, know that you are amazing and awesome coz the truth is you really are so why dont you freaking acknowledge it already ? When you realize that and truly love Kage (yourself), when you finally feel cool with yourself there will be nothin some random bug you dont even know can say to hurt your feelings, he will be able to get you mad but never hurt your feelings coz when its all said and done he's still irrelevant to you, nothing but a worthless bug...

 

That was my point, and if you go through my posts you will see thats exactly what I said...

 

Ofc, you dont have to agree with me, you can dismiss it and say he's just blaming the victim, or you can stop for three seconds and say, you know what, let me really think about what he's saying, really think about it... up to you though...

 

Im kinda done with this topic, you wanna say Im blaiming rape victims for being raped... so be it, its a ridiculous statement but however you wanna play it is fine with me...

 

Really do hope none of you get bullied ever, have a cool week all...

The point still stands.

 

Saying "Oh, you were hurt by a stranger? Well, you just shouldn't have let them hurt you because they don't know you." is the same thing as saying "Oh, a stranger hurt you? Well that's your own damn fault for letting them hurt you."

 

It is still victim-blaming/shaming. You are still telling the victim that it is their fault that a crude and cruel stranger was able to hurt them when they insulted them and verbally attacked them, not that the stranger was at fault for being a jerk.

 

 

The person who is being a jerk is ALWAYS at fault, even if they're a stranger, should somebody be hurt by their jerky behavior.

 

 

And lol, "love yourself more"? That's really the best advice you can give? After you've had your self-worth absolutely destroyed to the point where you honestly cannot believe there is any reason for you to live, after you've been told you're a "demon" and a "monster" among other things so often that you believe them, after you have been shunned and physically attacked, after you've had the very authority figures who are supposed to be in place to protect you side with your tormentors, and had your self-esteem reduced to absolutely non-existent, then let me know how it goes just deciding to "love yourself more" one day.

 

If you can magically flip a switch in your brain, or if you have in the past, adn suddenly been able to get over the damage that was done to you and "love yourself more", then that's wonderful for you.

 

But not everybody can do that. It takes years to recover from that--and even then, the scars never truly fade away. Years of therapy and medication and being out of the environment that caused me such torment in the first place have helped, yes, but every time I screw up I still mentally lay into myself, even when I try not to, I still blame myself when things go wrong that are not my fault.

 

If you can just magically get over years of bullying, that's nice for you. Some of us can't do that.

 

 

 

And by now the damage is done. That "worthless bug", with is careless comments, can bring up the memories of the times I felt worthless, the times I cut myself thinking I deserved the scars and the physical pain was the only escape from the emotional. Those comments can, for a short while, drag up the memories of being tormented as a child by bullies. It's not that one "worthless bug", it's the years of painful memories his BS drags up.

 

I can manage to endure it now without wanting to hurt or off myself anymore, thanks to years of work, and I know the feelings will pass in time. But it doesn't change the fact that his cruel words have hurt me.

 

 

If what they say truly doesn't matter to me, of course it's not as likely to hurt me. But if what they say reminds me of how I was once treated, then yes, it's going to hurt me.

 

I may be doing better now, but my self-esteem is still very fragile, and easily damaged with the smallest of things. Accidentally babble at work? Berate myself mentally for the next 20 minutes. Post something I'm uncertain about? Avoid the topic for a week. Do something stupid? Tell myself how stupid I was for the next few days.

 

I can usually start heading myself off these days so it's not continuous mental self-berating, but until I can manage to distract myself it can be hard. And even then if I randomly recall it it makes me think how stupid I was.

 

And that's because by the time I learned that for however unhappy I am now it will pass, the damage had already been done--and deep.

 

 

Also, I never said you were saying rape victims were at fault--but those who suffer abuse from strangers such as bullying both online and offline? You sure as hell do seem to be saying it's their fault for letting it get to them. I have read your posts, and it seems that others who have red them also agree that you appear to be saying that if you let something hurt you then you're at fault.

 

If that's not what you want to say, then you're not conveying your true message well.

[kittygrl]

it really is hard to love yourself more when people are constantly calling you ugly and inadequate or stupid

[Kelkelen]

Saying "Oh, you were hurt by a stranger?  Well, you just shouldn't have let them hurt you because they don't know you." is the same thing as saying "Oh, a stranger hurt you?  Well that's your own damn fault for letting them hurt you."

 

^ Yup. This is the thing that's bothering me -- and others here, it would seem -- about your posts, TheEvilDoer. Victims of bullying are not to blame for feeling hurt; or, put another way, they aren't "wrong" for feeling the way they do.

 

I also want to put it out there that "victim" is not always a bad word. Sure, people can fall into the trap of defining themselves as a victim and always seeing themselves in that role when that's not the truth. However, there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that another person did something bad to you and you didn't have the power to stop them. It's a lot healthier to come to terms with the fact that we are all vulnerable, and all have the potential to be victimized, but can do something about it in the aftermath, than it would be if we all tried to delude ourselves into thinking that we can control whether or not we are victimized. That type of thinking feeds right back into "if someone treated me poorly, it's my own fault. I should have been able to prevent myself from being a victim."

 

But not everybody can do that.  It takes years to recover from that--and even then, the scars never truly fade away.  Years of therapy and medication and being out of the environment that caused me such torment in the first place have helped, yes, but every time I screw up I still mentally lay into myself, even when I try not to, I still blame myself when things go wrong that are not my fault.

 

*hugs*

[KageSora]

However, there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that another person did something bad to you and you didn't have the power to stop them.  It's a lot healthier to come to terms with the fact that we are all vulnerable, and all have the potential to be victimized, but can do something about it in the aftermath, than it would be if we all tried to delude ourselves into thinking that we can control whether or not we are victimized.  That type of thinking feeds right back into "if someone treated me poorly, it's my own fault.  I should have been able to prevent myself from being a victim." 

 

 

 

*hugs*

That is very dangerous thinking, and sadly one our culture insists on perpetuating.

 

And, when you start to think that way, even just a little... It just has the potential to screw you up further. It makes it so easy to say "Well, I wasn't REALLY bullied because I never tried to kill myself" or "I wasn't REALLY a victim there, because if I had tried harder I could have stopped it, so it must be my fault/I wanted it to happen on some level/etc." or "Well, if people are treating me this way there must be a reason, therefore I deserve it, so they're not wrong. It must be something wrong with me".

 

 

It's a very slippery slope. And the edge is covered in ice, so by the time you find yourself atop it, you're in great danger of losing your footing and sliding down. And once you start that decent, it's very difficult to stop it, and get off that slope. Never mind clawing your way back to the top where their words cannot make you think in that way.

 

I'm truly envious of those who have the natural ability to anchor themselves when they start that fall, they are very lucky people and I hope that ability is never blunted or lost to them. I had to learn the hard way how to stop it when I start thinking like that, as have so many others. It's... Just so sad that we live in a world where people ARE forced to learn that lesson, and I think we should strive to make the world a place where it is not one that must be learned by a disturbing number.

 

And, even now, I catch myself stopping myself from saying something, thinking "Well, I DO understand why it happened, I mean I did kinda deserve it with how things were" before I stop and say "No, that's not true. I understand the why of the bullying. But that doesn't mean I deserved to be bullied." Or I find myself saying "Well, I did suffer, but maybe I should keep quiet. I mean, I was just bullied and had my self-esteem destroyed. But people have been raped or killed or they even took their own lives! Or at least they hurt themselves more than I did, so I shouldn't say anything".

 

That kind of attitude makes it so easy to invalidate the suffering of others, or even your own suffering, with the idea of somebody has it worse.

 

If that were the case, there would be one person on the entire planet who would win every "I have it worse" contest ever, and they would be the absolute only person in the world who deserved to ever complain about having a bad day.

 

And how many times have those who have tried to say "Don't complain, somebody has it worse!" complained about a problem, and most likely a "first world problem"?

 

 

Even if we can't stop bullying entirely, we can lessen it greatly if we try. It will take time, generations probably. But it is possible to help the problem. Just because we may not see an end to it in our lifetimes doesn't mean we shouldn't strive to improve the world for the next generation, y'know?

[brairtrainer]

I find it interesting that in a topic about bullying there is bullying of another member of the forum. I agree with The Evil Doer that what he said was taken way way way out of context.

 

My boyfriend has depression and had the toughness to get through it for several years, but was running out of steam. After he finally started to talk to someone (when he was convinced that why he felt that way was not his fault) he started to get more tough and dealt with it better. Sure he slips every now and then, but he's better because he has a place where he can re-toughen up.

 

And now in order to get back on topic, I gave similar advice that The Evil Doer stated to my sister.

 

She's picked on by this girl in her class who is also considered the most popular girl in that class. This girl has spread rumors, called my sister names, and isolated her, (not on her own but she is always in sight when it happens).

 

So I told my sister to shoot back a comment, to stand up for her self and tough out the harsh comments, because standing up for your self and toughening up is better in the long run.

 

Ex (what I put here is said to my sister, what is being said was what I said to my sister in a role play to help her understand what to do)

 

Bully: "Haha you'll never be popular because you're weird and ugly."

Bully's "Victim": "That's okay because I'm not focused on being popular. I'm focused more on getting good grades."

 

Does this always work? No

 

It differs from situation to situation, from person to person. The important thing is to have a safe place, compose yourself(mentally toughen up), and to keep going. In more extreme cases you may need more time to mentally toughen up before you face the world, but most of the time it lasts from 5 min to a day in the case of bullying.

[WereJace]

I find it interesting that in a topic about bullying there is bullying of another member of the forum. I agree with The Evil Doer that what he said was taken way way way out of context.

 

My boyfriend has depression and had the toughness to get through it for several years, but was running out of steam. After he finally started to talk to someone (when he was convinced that why he felt that way was not his fault) he started to get more tough and dealt with it better. Sure he slips every now and then, but he's better because he has a place where he can re-toughen up.

 

And now in order to get back on topic, I gave similar advice that The Evil Doer stated to my sister.

 

She's picked on by this girl in her class who is also considered the most popular girl in that class. This girl has spread rumors, called my sister names, and isolated her, (not on her own but she is always in sight when it happens).

 

So I told my sister to shoot back a comment, to stand up for her self and tough out the harsh comments, because standing up for your self and toughening up is better in the long run.

 

Ex (what I put here is said to my sister, what is being said was what I said to my sister in a role play to help her understand what to do)

 

Bully: "Haha you'll never be popular because you're weird and ugly."

Bully's "Victim": "That's okay because I'm not focused on being popular. I'm focused more on getting good grades."

 

Does this always work? No

 

It differs from situation to situation, from person to person. The important thing is to have a safe place, compose yourself(mentally toughen up), and to keep going. In more extreme cases you may need more time to mentally toughen up before you face the world, but most of the time it lasts from 5 min to a day in the case of bullying.

'Toughen up' is still bad advice because it solves nothing. Sure, some bullies will back down. Some people are able to walk away from abuse stronger. A great many can't. They're damaged by abuse that lasts not days or a week, but months or years. I was socially ostracized and bullied for eight years of elementary school. My brother spent three years under constant threat of violent assault. My girlfriend went through two years of sexual harrassment and assault. Each of us had some help from authority figures and also encountered teachers, counselors, etc. who were completely useless. We all heard 'toughen up'. The result was three near expulsions for physical violence, one near expulsion for pulling a knife on the abusers, two teachers getting fired for their inaction when dealing with the abuse, ongoing counselling, seven suicide attempts, a handful of incidents violent enough to draw blood and at least a year of substance abuse problems.

 

That was us being 'tough'. That is not healthy behaviour. That sort of violence and self-harm does not need to happen if attention is focused on the abusers rather than their victims. Bullies do not have to be a fact of life for ANYONE and they should not be tolerated or allowed to persist. When they do crop up, they should be dealt with as the serious threat they are and their victims should be given real help, not a sock in the arm and the words 'toughen up'.

 

Life isn't a movie. I've never heard of a bully that just gave up after one snappy comeback, or who slunk off, defeated, after the plucky target of their ire gave them a good drubbing. Everyone I know (and that includes those who I haven't mentioned here out of respect for their wishes) who has 'toughened up' is masking some deep, lingering pain from what was done or said to them.

[LascielsShadow]

I find it interesting that in a topic about bullying there is bullying of another member of the forum. I agree with The Evil Doer that what he said was taken way way way out of context.

 

 

 

Oh, please. Disagreement and pointing out that/why a stupid, harmful idea is stupid and harmful is not "bullying". What he said was not taken out of context. It's a bit difficult to misconstrue or take out of context statements that explicitly put blame on the victims for not being "tough enough", for "allowing" people to hurt them, and calling people who commit suicide mentally weak.

 

"Toughen up" only goes so far. "Toughen up" does not remedy the problem of being bullied in the first place. Putting the onus of dealing with the problem or changing upon the victim does.not. work. It's unfair. Why should the kid who's being bullied have to just take it because they "shouldn't allow" other people to hurt them? Is everyone in the world supposed to become a robot and completely numb to any feelings? Because that's what can happen if you constantly have to deal with that kind of abuse. You go numb, because numb is better than the alternative. Is that somehow better or more acceptable/desirable than just dealing with the problem of people being bullies? Do we want to encourage emotional damage?

[KageSora]

I find it interesting that in a topic about bullying there is bullying of another member of the forum. I agree with The Evil Doer that what he said was taken way way way out of context.

 

My boyfriend has depression and had the toughness to get through it for several years, but was running out of steam. After he finally started to talk to someone (when he was convinced that why he felt that way was not his fault) he started to get more tough and dealt with it better. Sure he slips every now and then, but he's better because he has a place where he can re-toughen up.

 

And now in order to get back on topic, I gave similar advice that The Evil Doer stated to my sister.

 

She's picked on by this girl in her class who is also considered the most popular girl in that class. This girl has spread rumors, called my sister names, and isolated her, (not on her own but she is always in sight when it happens).

 

So I told my sister to shoot back a comment, to stand up for her self and tough out the harsh comments, because standing up for your self and toughening up is better in the long run.

 

Ex (what I put here is said to my sister, what is being said was what I said to my sister in a role play to help her understand what to do)

 

Bully: "Haha you'll never be popular because you're weird and ugly."

Bully's "Victim": "That's okay because I'm not focused on being popular. I'm focused more on getting good grades."

 

Does this always work? No

 

It differs from situation to situation, from person to person. The important thing is to have a safe place, compose yourself(mentally toughen up), and to keep going. In more extreme cases you may need more time to mentally toughen up before you face the world, but most of the time it lasts from 5 min to a day in the case of bullying.

If multiple people are reading the same posts and are coming to the same conclusion, it's not as likely the fault of the readers as taking it out of context, it's the fault of the poster for posting in such a way that their intent came across differently than what they wanted. Or, they really are saying some stuff that is problematic. :|

 

If you think it's bullying, report the posts and let a mod decide if it's out of line to call BS where we see BS.

 

 

And last time I "stood up" to a school bully who physically attacked me by simply blocking her attack and not actually retaliating (in fact, I went so far as to keep her from falling down the stairs when she off-balanced herself despite the fact that she had just tried to attack me) I was kicked out of class for "attacking another student" and had to jump through a bunch of hoops to prove my innocence and get the situation resolved thanks to her playing the victim when the teacher noticed something going on--and since nobody liked me, they all backed her up despite seeing what happened. It's great to stand up for yourself if you won't get screwed over, but a lot of times in a school situation if you try to defend yourself you get busted, too. It doesn't matter if you just say "Oh, I don't let your words bother me. I don't care what you say"--if the bully spins the story to the right people to put you in a bad light by lying, well, their word vs. yours and then they tend to take the word of the person who came to them first unless there's a previous record of trouble from that student or you have witnesses backing you up.

 

 

Also, no, it doesn't just "most of the time lasts from 5 min to a day" in the case of bullying. Try being bullied every single day for months on end, for years even, to the point where you are mentally and emotionally broken from the constant abuse. That doesn't just last a day. I know MANY people who have been bullied to the point of depression, and there are so many people who are bullied to suicide and that's clearly not the bullying lasting minutes or just a day or even just a few days.

 

 

 

 

Additionally: I've tried the "toughen up and ignore them/brush it off/turn their comment back on them" strategy. Did you know a good number of bullies will then ramp up their bullying? That's actually where the physical attack had come in.

 

Previously, she'd just called me names. Then she started some rumors. Then she started some nasty verbal abuse. But when that didn't reduce me to tears (by that point I'd dealt with all of that for years, it was just more of the same abuse I'd come to expect from the school world, the damage was already done and I'd just sit through it and tear myself down mentally, so I was't toughing it out)... She tried to kick me. When that failed, she also clawed my arm.

 

 

Some years prior to that, I'd have a bullying issue. I'd done my best to "tough it out" though it did really screw me up emotionally, I didn't show it. That culminated in the bully taking my asthmatic friend and putting him in a headlock and refusing to let go even when the guy was almost passing out. The only way he actually let go was when I jumped on him and yanked him off.

 

So, he decided to attack my friends to try to get to me.

 

 

Again, in high school, I was subjected to verbal sexual harassment. "Toughing it out" (again, it was just outwardly appearing that way, inwardly it was doing a lot of damage) caused it to escalate until I finally talked to somebody and the situation was finally resolved when my harasser was facing the threat of possible suspension for his behavior.

 

 

If they are looking for a reaction, they will keep going until they get it. If they can't get it from you, they'll bully somebody else--and how is your ignoring them until they torment somebody else actually solving the problem? It's not--it's just shifting the problem onto another victim.

 

 

You know what other lasting damage trying to tough it out has done, aside from the trust issues, the self-esteem that shatters with a single minor setback, the constant fear that I've done something wrong (every time I get a PM notification I'm terrified I accidentally broke a rule and have to work up the nerve to look at it my self-confidence is that fragile, which is sad considering I'm in the best emotional shape I've been in for... Probably close to a decade now), the self-blaming for the smallest mistakes and even when it's not my fault? I can't cry anymore. I physically possess that ability, I suppose, but I have a block. I can maybe tear up and let one or two tears out, but even when I want to I am no longer able to let myself cry. The last time I actually all-out cried was when I had a complete mental and emotional breakdown, vanished for several hours, and seriously considered suicide.

 

That's because society told me that crying was a weakness, that it was letting the bullies win, and that I had to "toughen up" and deal with it.

 

Do you know what I would give to be able to actually just have a good cry sometimes? To just have that release, get it out of my system? I can't even do that when I'm home alone and there is 0% chance of anybody coming around for hours.

 

 

I also tend to be unable to express myself properly, so I bottle it all up until I snap and lash out at everybody around me even for fairly minor things. Because I was taught by society that I had to "toughen up" and it really me up inside.

 

There's a reason I was on medication for years. There's a reason I'm still going through therapy and probably will need it for the rest of my life as long as I can afford it.

 

And there's a reason people who are bullied sometimes take their own lives. "Toughen up" doesn't always work. And it doesn't stop the bully, it just sometimes protects you but makes a new victim.

[brairtrainer]

If multiple people are reading the same posts and are coming to the same conclusion, it's not as likely the fault of the readers as taking it out of context, it's the fault of the poster for posting in such a way that their intent came across differently than what they wanted. Or, they really are saying some stuff that is problematic. :|

 

If you think it's bullying, report the posts and let a mod decide if it's out of line to call BS where we see BS.

 

 

And last time I "stood up" to a school bully who physically attacked me by simply blocking her attack and not actually retaliating (in fact, I went so far as to keep her from falling down the stairs when she off-balanced herself despite the fact that she had just tried to attack me) I was kicked out of class for "attacking another student" and had to jump through a bunch of hoops to prove my innocence and get the situation resolved thanks to her playing the victim when the teacher noticed something going on--and since nobody liked me, they all backed her up despite seeing what happened. It's great to stand up for yourself if you won't get screwed over, but a lot of times in a school situation if you try to defend yourself you get busted, too. It doesn't matter if you just say "Oh, I don't let your words bother me. I don't care what you say"--if the bully spins the story to the right people to put you in a bad light by lying, well, their word vs. yours and then they tend to take the word of the person who came to them first unless there's a previous record of trouble from that student or you have witnesses backing you up.

 

 

Also, no, it doesn't just "most of the time lasts from 5 min to a day" in the case of bullying. Try being bullied every single day for months on end, for years even, to the point where you are mentally and emotionally broken from the constant abuse. That doesn't just last a day. I know MANY people who have been bullied to the point of depression, and there are so many people who are bullied to suicide and that's clearly not the bullying lasting minutes or just a day or even just a few days.

 

 

 

 

Additionally: I've tried the "toughen up and ignore them/brush it off/turn their comment back on them" strategy. Did you know a good number of bullies will then ramp up their bullying? That's actually where the physical attack had come in.

 

Previously, she'd just called me names. Then she started some rumors. Then she started some nasty verbal abuse. But when that didn't reduce me to tears (by that point I'd dealt with all of that for years, it was just more of the same abuse I'd come to expect from the school world, the damage was already done and I'd just sit through it and tear myself down mentally, so I was't toughing it out)... She tried to kick me. When that failed, she also clawed my arm.

 

 

Some years prior to that, I'd have a bullying issue. I'd done my best to "tough it out" though it did really screw me up emotionally, I didn't show it. That culminated in the bully taking my asthmatic friend and putting him in a headlock and refusing to let go even when the guy was almost passing out. The only way he actually let go was when I jumped on him and yanked him off.

 

So, he decided to attack my friends to try to get to me.

 

 

Again, in high school, I was subjected to verbal sexual harassment. "Toughing it out" (again, it was just outwardly appearing that way, inwardly it was doing a lot of damage) caused it to escalate until I finally talked to somebody and the situation was finally resolved when my harasser was facing the threat of possible suspension for his behavior.

 

 

If they are looking for a reaction, they will keep going until they get it. If they can't get it from you, they'll bully somebody else--and how is your ignoring them until they torment somebody else actually solving the problem? It's not--it's just shifting the problem onto another victim.

 

 

You know what other lasting damage trying to tough it out has done, aside from the trust issues, the self-esteem that shatters with a single minor setback, the constant fear that I've done something wrong (every time I get a PM notification I'm terrified I accidentally broke a rule and have to work up the nerve to look at it my self-confidence is that fragile, which is sad considering I'm in the best emotional shape I've been in for... Probably close to a decade now), the self-blaming for the smallest mistakes and even when it's not my fault? I can't cry anymore. I physically possess that ability, I suppose, but I have a block. I can maybe tear up and let one or two tears out, but even when I want to I am no longer able to let myself cry. The last time I actually all-out cried was when I had a complete mental and emotional breakdown, vanished for several hours, and seriously considered suicide.

 

That's because society told me that crying was a weakness, that it was letting the bullies win, and that I had to "toughen up" and deal with it.

 

Do you know what I would give to be able to actually just have a good cry sometimes? To just have that release, get it out of my system? I can't even do that when I'm home alone and there is 0% chance of anybody coming around for hours.

 

 

I also tend to be unable to express myself properly, so I bottle it all up until I snap and lash out at everybody around me even for fairly minor things. Because I was taught by society that I had to "toughen up" and it really me up inside.

 

There's a reason I was on medication for years. There's a reason I'm still going through therapy and probably will need it for the rest of my life as long as I can afford it.

 

And there's a reason people who are bullied sometimes take their own lives. "Toughen up" doesn't always work. And it doesn't stop the bully, it just sometimes protects you but makes a new victim.

Kage Sora I'm sorry you had such a hard time.

 

I was also bullied in school, and though 'toughing up' was not the answer in your situation the situation of my sister is different and thus my toughen up advice.

 

The school she goes to turns a blind eye to bullying because they are a 'bully-free' zone and my sister is hurt by the most minisecule of things besides being ten years old. This has made her an easier target than most, and it also will hurt her as an adult if the habit continues.

 

Like I said every bullying encounter is different and their are several things that need to be done to get rid of it. Helping a child come up with a witty come back gives the child inner strength and confidence when faceing a bully, and when faced with this most bullies will back down.

 

For those that don't they will typically get rougher until the teachers, principals, and school districts can no longer ignore the bullying. Educating the bully does nothing in my opinion, because children can be nasty to each other. When I was at the school (where my sister currently goes) they had plenty of anit-bullying talks and speakers, but as my mother found out from my sister's psychologist most of the children in the practice that go there for bullying problems come from the same school district.

 

Right now the anti-bullying laws place the schools at fault instead of at the bully's feet so the schools feel the need to sweep bullying under the carpet instead of tackling it out in the open because if there is a bullying problem they could get sued.

 

The thing is nothing is purfect, bullying does not have a blanket solution, everything is different for every kid.

 

Now I will say I was in the same situation as my sister and once I toughened up I was left alone, as the bullys decided to move on and eventually the only people they had left were each other. Where I live with the dynamics that are avalible it is the solution until the school's attitude changes. I would be willing to go more indepth with this situation in pm if any one wants.

 

But before I leave I will note; toughening up doesn't mean dealing with it yourself. My sister was sexually harrassed on the bus and now because the bus driver didn't do anything about it he has been put on paid leave and is being investigated, but it took my sister being strong enough to not show distress when the bus driver ignored her and my father calling the director of transportation to get anything to happen with the case.

 

Bullying doesn't have to be an on going problem but there are things that you as the victim can do to make your case stronger.

[KageSora]

Kage Sora I'm sorry you had such a hard time.

 

I was also bullied in school, and though 'toughing up' was not the answer in your situation the situation of my sister is different and thus my toughen up advice.

 

The school she goes to turns a blind eye to bullying because they are a 'bully-free' zone and my sister is hurt by the most minisecule of things besides being ten years old. This has made her an easier target than most, and it also will hurt her as an adult if the habit continues.

 

Like I said every bullying encounter is different and their are several things that need to be done to get rid of it. Helping a child come up with a witty come back gives the child inner strength and confidence when faceing a bully, and when faced with this most bullies will back down.

 

For those that don't they will typically get rougher until the teachers, principals, and school districts can no longer ignore the bullying. Educating the bully does nothing in my opinion, because children can be nasty to each other. When I was at the school (where my sister currently goes) they had plenty of anit-bullying talks and speakers, but as my mother found out from my sister's psychologist most of the children in the practice that go there for bullying problems come from the same school district.

 

Right now the anti-bullying laws place the schools at fault instead of at the bully's feet so the schools feel the need to sweep bullying under the carpet instead of tackling it out in the open because if there is a bullying problem they could get sued.

 

The thing is nothing is purfect, bullying does not have a blanket solution, everything is different for every kid.

 

Now I will say I was in the same situation as my sister and once I toughened up I was left alone, as the bullys decided to move on and eventually the only people they had left were each other. Where I live with the dynamics that are avalible it is the solution until the school's attitude changes. I would be willing to go more indepth with this situation in pm if any one wants.

 

But before I leave I will note; toughening up doesn't mean dealing with it yourself. My sister was sexually harrassed on the bus and now because the bus driver didn't do anything about it he has been put on paid leave and is being investigated, but it took my sister being strong enough to not show distress when the bus driver ignored her and my father calling the director of transportation to get anything to happen with the case.

 

Bullying doesn't have to be an on going problem but there are things that you as the victim can do to make your case stronger.

If it works for some people, that's good as a partial solution--but too many people are saying it as a 100% fix for anybody in any situation. (Not necessarily here on DC, but in general it's a problem attitude).

 

 

However, while it may help the victim specifically, it will not stop the bullying--as I said, it just shifts it.

 

And not all bullying happens at a school level. Plenty of workplace bullying occurs, too, and plenty of adults are bullied. So you CAN educate a bully--even children can be educated, too. And some adults can't because they're just nasty people in general.

 

True, not all of them will change their behavior with education. But I myself have, through calm (or sometimes a bit more heated, admittedly) discussion educated people who were, without realizing it, being bullies.

 

I'll leave the specifics out due to personal reasons, but it basically came down to this:

• Some people found certain subject matter distasteful
• Said people decided to leave nasty comments on works featuring said subject matter or they banded together around "anti-[subject matter]" postings to gossip and tear down people who did like said subject matter
• At least one made death threats and created hate-art
• Some people went out of their way to find said subject matter to leave nasty comments on it

Out of those, I was able to convince several who previously had engaged in harassing that they were being cruel and were operating with a very narrow, and incomplete viewpoint. When their behavior was pointed out to them, as well as the fact that they were, in fact, quite wrong in many of their assumptions, they not only backed off but apologized--hell several of them decided to give said subject matter a chance (which was surprising to me since it's a very "you either like it or you hate it" sort of thing) and at least one found a variation of said subject matter that not only wasn't disagreeable to them but enjoyable for them!

[Takoto]

I was bullied throughout all my school years. At first I didn't... really know what it was, if that made sense? The concept of "being left out" didn't occur to me much because I was more content with playing video games than playing with other people. People hit me sometimes, but I just through it was play fighting and stuff...

 

When I got to Secondary School (I live in UK, sorry if this makes no sense to Americans ;; ) the bullying was okay at first, just "weirdo" and "freak", cause I spent most of my time drawing rather than socializing, I didn't wear make up and I loved video games and anime.

Then... sexuality happened. Ever since I was a kid I'd liked both girls and boys but I never realized sexuality was "a thing", I just thought EVERYONE liked both genders. I "came out" (not that I was ever really in the closet), and that's when it got bad. Spitting, punching, beaten up a few times, complete isolation apart from a few friends... it weren't nice.

 

After I broke up with my first girlfriend, the bullying didn't really stop at all, I was still "that freaky dyke" or "that weirdo" or... well, other homophobic names. I ended up getting a boyfriend (who I'm still with, almost four years on), but I didn't shed my label of bisexual. Soon after a bunch of rumors were spread around about him, that he was a drug dealer, animal abuser, and that he abused me, then a few weeks later rumors went around about me, I never knew what they were BUT IT WAS enough to make my best friends of 8 years hate me for the next two years.

 

For two years school was absolute hell, and I just left anything social. I spent every lunch and break in the basement (which was where the schools musicians went to practise so it was okay for me to be there). I didn't go to Prom, nor our mini-graduation, the only thing I turned up for that was a "special event" was results day.

 

Since I got into College (in the UK, we go to college, then to Uni, they're very separate things), I've had NO problems at all. It's been heavenly. I still get called names on things like facebook (which I've pretty much left) and sometimes old classmates glare/laugh at me in the street, but it's been pretty good.

I go to one of the most liberal colleges where I live- I originally didn't tell ANYONE about my sexuality or my love of video games, anime, japanese culture, etc. all they knew of was my love of art. But at one point in form I accidentally said in front of the whole class that I'd had a girlfriend... but no one cared, no one batted and eyelid, it was so nice. And ever since going, I've become more outgoing, more me and less withdrawn. Feels good man.

 

Bullying made me stronger, though. I learned how to deal with things and not get upset when life turns . I know it's hard for some people to take something as bad and horrible as bullying and actually gain from it, but yeah. I did develop depression, anxiety and paranoia and some other things from it, but overall I matured way more than I would have probably...

Not that it's good I got bullied or that ANYONE gets bullied. It's a HORRIBLE things and no one should have to go through it.

[Dragonhatchling]

In middle school (5th through 8th grades) I was bullied nearly the entire time I spend there (4yrs) about me being who I was. Now many of you don't realize that I'm actually rather outgoing- or was- and can seem like one of those more 'hyper' (for lack of a better term) people who can be loud, yet also very quiet, and really capable of thinking outside the box. The fact that i was a girl and loved to play videogame, hang with the guys, and the clincher was pokemon i guess.... that set off the bullying more. But what really got the bullying for me started was something I told one of my closest friends from elementary school -goes from kindergarten to 4th grade- (or so i thought he was a friend) and he promised he wouldn't tell anyone ((that something is that i'm capable of seeing and talking to spirits- not anything bad, just having a normal conversation like i would wtih anybody in normal everyday life ~I'd be happy to try and explain further in PM if there are anyone curious or quesions arise)).

The day after? Half the school knew... more than half the school confronted me about being a complete freak and that I should go die. Yeah, it went from being called "weirdo" and "goofy" and being completely ignored for 2months of my first year there to being ganged up on by people I never even had classes with and screamed at. Having things thrown at me. Pushing. A whole slew of things that's too long to go into. You name it I've had it done. Unfortunately.

So, you might be able to imagine this didn't take too awefully long to permeate and reach every single student who was attending the school at the time. It didn't. About a week roughly, give or take a few days. And so, by 2months and a week I had successfully become the most known person in the school. By teachers and especially every single kid. In a very bad way. I was basically an outcast. Avoided in lunch and feared to sit next to. Which I somewhat get- what I told my friend wasn't a widely accepted thing and still isn't. Naturally people dont usually understand it... and it's rare now that I find someone who accepts me for it and is completely ok with it, if not actually curious but respecting. But anyway- I'd tried to talk to a teacher and councelor about this but nobody really did anything about it. My parents didn't ever really catch wind- I hid it...- and I muddled through my first two years there with no friends. Grades were fine. I put up with it. My one friend tried to reconcile with me -the one who had told- but I had made it clear from the day that started this all that I would have no part with him anymore because he betrayed my trust.

 

Speaking of trust- I had lost all trust in humanity as a whole going through this in the first year. The second year of it only deepend the gash of distrust eminating from me. My third and fourth years there were living hell- it never let up and as we got older they got more creative too in their bullying. Each year every new 5th grader would learn. Same results would happen. I'd become the laughing-stock of the school. The "go-to-girl" for a good laugh and perfect person to try and throw into a wall. I refused to fight back however when someone did that. I walked away from them, knowing that even verbal words would only make it worse. Each year I also brought it back up to the teachers. To my counciler. To my principle. Nobody basically did anything. Heh, and I made sure my parents never found out either... my distrust even stemmed to them sadly. Mostly as backlash from what was going on here.

 

Outside of school I mainly stayed home. Acted happy. Did everything I asked. All around normal me for my parents' sake. Yet if I happened to go somewhere for an event or something (as i was determined to make the most of what little life I had- i still went to the few dance-like things we had or the anual kick-ball tournement) I'd be ridiculed. People from my urban/rural city who didn't even go to my middle school even participated. High school kids and younger kids alike saw me as the perfect person to pick on. I'd been getting it for four years in the end so why not?

 

Once I got to high school (9th to 12th grade) I started noticing that not everybody was participating in my previous experiences to the bullying that continued. Where I live we had three middle schools and word traveled to every single one of them. The one high school we had was filled with people who willingly and gladly kept up the bullying of 4yrs that I somewhat vaguely explained.

I met one person who didn't though. Another guy who became my friend rather quickly as we worked together in a class for lab partners. He had heard the rumours and witnessed a few of the experiences I've come to accept as normal and decided one day to throw himself at the 'animals' and stick up for me. To try and end it. The act itself ended the bullying for the entire rest of the day (which shocked me to no end) and I felt very insecure that it may restart the events and make them much much worse. Yet, it also made me starkly realize that what I was going through wasn't normal. Wasn't acceptable and certainly shouldn't continue. He might not realize it still, after 5yrs of being the closest and best friend I've ever had and hope to continue to have throughout life- but he rekindled my will to make a change that I had lost after 2 years of trying to stop people from being unforgiving and unaccepting little animals. He helped me actually get teachers and my counselor to pay attention. To do something about it. To finally get it to really stop.

 

After 5yrs of going through constant bullying I finally got to see what normal was like. I didn't have to wonder if I'd somehow have to manage to survive the stairs and not get pushed to my death (I had wondered how I survived some of those falls... and not even broken a bone... i still wonder actually) and I could walk around freely without someone calling names or throwing things at me. I was slowly starting to regain confidence in humanity. Slowly. Very slowly. But my friend even noticed the good change.

Yet it also opened him up for bullying- which he had gone through a similar thing in his middle school with people making fun of him and the like. That sadly had started again for him, yet I contributed to ending it by sticking up for him like he had me. For a few weeks we were both made fun of and called a "couple" and "oh your girlfriend fighting your battles?" was thrown around a lot. Teachers did their best to stop it then, but I could see it was taking a tole on my best friend... We fought through it together- not letting each other succomb to the death-threats or "why don't you kill yourself" comments being made. I especially was worried and vigalent for my friend. But once we showed our bulliers that it didn't matter what they thought and that their tactics had proven to be no real gain in their futile efforts, the bullying stopped. Save for a few occasional idiots who decide to try real hard to start it up again.

 

It took 6yrs for me to finally get the bullying to stop. A notasconstant 6yrs for my best friend to get his bullying to stop too. But we made it. And the last two years of my high school experience have been wonderful so far. My last year here is nearly over, and I've become the outgoing, fun and 'weird' hyper person I used to be when I was younger again. My trust in humanity as a whole isn't completely restored, but I trusted a few select close friends with telling them of my ability as another try. I felt as if I owed it to my best friend at least even if he chose not to accept me after. Yet, he does. He's one of the ones who's very accepting and understands if I might be a bit different than others. He's extrememly curious, as is another kind and close friend where they both respectfully bring up any questions they might have but at times where we're in private, as precaution and a comfort measure for me. I've come to accept that it truly doesn't matter if someone else doesn't believe me, or agree with it, I can't do anything about what I can do. It's a part of me I can't- and won't- ever get rid of. The small circle of friends I have accept this too, which is all I need.

 

As for the issue with the teachers no doing anything about it- they never did in my middle school. Nobody really did anything except take a few kids and say "don't do that to her" and that was it. In my high school, a few people got arrested for harassment toward others. The teachers there are always extremely vigalent about it and don't hesitate to do their best to stop it. The counselors there are always available and willing to listen, as is the thearapist. It's a much more welcoming environment.

 

 

But, I posted my story here really for anyone going through bullying now, or has been, or might be and not really realizing it. For all of those who feel like nobody cares and nobody will do anything about their situation anyway. For people who go through a similar thing like I did- where the people who were supposed to help really didn't.

I speak from experience when I say that I can get better. Always take the chance to tell an adult or greater authority- even if you don't really know them. Eventually someone will be able to put an end or help even more to put an end to what you are going through.

I know I'm always around here and am perfectly welcome to talking to anyone who would like to talk about anything. I promise on my life, and all of my pets lives, that I will listen and offer my advice if you'd like it- or just listen if you'd rather. I'm here to talk if anybody so wants. I've gone through it too. I know how tough it can be to go through it. Anything I can do to help I will gladly do for anybody.

 

So to all of you out there going through bullying, or had it done to them, or might even be bullying someone themself- please realize that it will get better.

 

To those of you who might have bullied- especially on purpose- You might not realize it now what you've done to a person, or persons, but one day (be it tomorrow or ten years from now) you will fully realize the extent of your actions to whomever is on the recieving end. If any of these true stories don't make you at least stop and think for a moment about what you may do daily, I cannot say how truly sorry I am for you and you alone. Nobody should have to take this from anyone. And it takes every person on this Earth to raise awareness and to make it stop. I hate to say it, but one day you may also be on the recieving end- if it isn't already what is causing you to bully others- of another bully and will experience what many of us have gone through already. So please, take it to heart and stop. Just stop. You don't have to apologize. You don't have to do anything else but stop the bullying.

 

Thank you.

[Ansela Jonla]

My first few years at school were okay. I was an army brat, living in army housing and being bussed to school with the rest of the army brats. No one really cared if you were the new kid in school halfway through term because they'd been there before.

 

Then, when I was 7 and heading into junior school, my dad hit 22 years in the army and, not being of sufficient rank or in a sufficiently low populated career path, had to retire. Which meant moving to a purely civilian area, with schools that were more... settled. Joining an already established class in the middle of October didn't make me very popular, especially as every kid there had just moved up from the neighbouring infants school. I had no friends, and no one in my class was particularly interested in becoming one.

 

I was quickly classed as the "loner freak" with the weird accent, too large vocabulary, and "unnatural" love of books. Which, to top it off, everyone thought I was only pretending to read because I couldn't see a thing on the board. After the school nurse, who'd been covering a maths lesson one day, realised I needed glasses, that was just more ammo for the bullies.

 

I spent those four years trying to hide in corners of the playground, reading books in the library, eating my packed lunch as slowly as I could to avoid going back out, and volunteering to do odd jobs at lunch time to stay in an adult's sight. It rarely worked; the teachers felt I had to "socialise". I made just one friend, and she was just as much of a mini-nerd as I was. It was a good thing that glasses were free on the NHS for me, because mine got "accidentally" taken from my face and lost or broken so many times...

 

The only time we got a real break at lunchtimes was if we beat the bullies to the equipment library, where we could borrow toys for lunchtime playing, and we managed to get a skipping rope each. The teachers were as blind to us wielding them as whips as they were to everything else that went on there.

 

Moving up to secondary school, year 7, when I was eleven wasn't much better. 90% of the kids from my junior school moved with me, and they were perfectly happy to keep treating me the same way. I had to leave my friend behind, because she was a year younger than me. At the first day assembly, where we were assigned to our form tutors, I made one friend straight away. I thought I was having better luck.

 

Turned out she was emotionally unstable and special needs... if she didn't drive off anyone else I tried to make friends with, her older brother would. I was her friend, and no one else's. Even trying to spend lunchtime by myself while she went to homework club wasn't allowed, in her mind. Looking back, I really do feel sorry for her, and hope that her parents managed to get her the help she really did need.

 

I was never one of the popular kids. I was ugly, didn't wear makeup to hide that, had no interest in boys (for which I was "lesbo"), didn't read girly magazines, and my clothes were cheap unbranded ones. I was more likely to be found reading a fantasy book (the school library was where I found my first Pern novels), playing on the computer or playing with Yu-Gi-Oh cards than being a "girl". I enjoyed camping and girl guides and getting muddy and all the things a typical popular girl just didn't do. This was just incomprehensible to the mind of the average teenager at my school, and as the Japanese saying goes "the nail that sticks out gets hammered down". I was the "psycho" who brought knives to school one time, and promptly handed them in to reception for the day, after finding them in my brother's bag while checking he had everything he needed before we split up at the pedestrian crossing that led to the junior school.

 

I was pushed down the stairs, into pebble-dashed walls (that was my first day back at school after falling off my bike, and it gave me almost matching torn up knees), had my stuff nicked, frequently found gum in my hair. I stopped eating at school because I was too scared to go into the lunchroom and you were punished for eating anywhere else. One group of girls offered to give me a makeover in the loos one lunch, and gave me the makeup they'd used as a "present"; next thing I knew my year head was doing a bag search on me as she'd heard I had it, which was against school rules.

 

A couple of the girls started being a bit nicer after I got detention for one of them; she'd been hit in the face with a hockey stick, and the meanest teacher in the school caught me running in the corridors as I sprinted to the nurse's office on the opposite side of the school, but it wasn't enough. They still laughed along if someone else was nasty to me.

 

My parents didn't care. They told me to toughen up. I was a wimp if I came home crying. I was careless if my stuff was lost or broken. I was faking it if I was too ill with fear/stress to go to school. My brother was being bullied as well, and all their attention went to him. Heck, when my teachers suggested I might have a form of autism which should be tested for, they laughed and told her "she's not a **, she's too smart", whereas they let the same teacher put my brother in for tests that showed he has a minor learning difficulty, after which I was expected to help with his homework before starting my own.

 

The teachers were useless. They'd tell the bullies "don't pick on Ansela Jonla please", if they weren't flat out ignoring me. I got excluded from school twice, for snapping and attacking boys that bullied me. One got impatient and smashed my knuckles against a doorframe in order to get the register folder with the fantasy football update inside it, and the other pushed me away from the drinks machine and used my money to get a drink for himself.

 

I've been out of school a few years now, but it still affects me. I struggle to trust people, and am constantly waiting for them to turn on me. Sometimes I lash out first, preemptively getting my blows in before the other person can. There are shops I avoid because I know one of those bullies is working there, and streets I don't walk down because they live there. I find it hard to eat full meals still, preferring to snack/graze on things whenever I feel a bit hungry. And I absolutely suck at social skills, both online and in real life.

[KrazyKarp]

Ah, bullying...

Before I switched schools I lived in my own little world with friends living in that world. When I switched in 4th grade I snapped into life for the first time. Too many bullies for a Catholic school.

I never bothered to try and make friends until this year when I came out of the shadows. I'm bullied mostly by the other boys, save for a few, all because I tried to fit in and I was at first pictured a humorous guy. I guess the others boys are jealous or something, I dunno. They aimed to change my image and I'm afraid I waited too long to retaliate. Some people still like me, though. I'm fine with having just a few friends, I'm not fine with the bullying. The bullies, especially one in particular, use vulgar language. And that one in particular is also perverted. I would tell the principle, but I'd have to carefully plan it out. So carefully that I'd shatter my entire social life with one wrong move. This is my last year at the school so I figured I'd let them get beat up in high school. They will, I know it.

So, if your thinking about jumping outta the shadows, do not, unless you know for sure that your class is absolutely 100% friendly. If your class is even 99% friendly, don't do it. I guarantee that you'll never be able to jump back into the safety of the shadows.

[_Z_]

Everyone has dealt with them before. Just about everyone has done it before, not necessarily on purpose. So,  everyone knows what bullying is. The problem is, why do they do it and how do we deal with it? Don't bully them back for one thing.  Definitely don't hurt them, unless they attempt to hurt you. Really I think you just need to let them know that your not afraid of them.  It really depends on how they're bullying you.

 

Cyberbullying however, is cowardly. If they don't have the courage to say something to your face, they shouldn't say anything at all.  It's like that fable about the wolf and the lamb on the roof. The lamb knew the wolf couldn't reach him so he decided to make fun of the wolf. The wolf told him that it is the roof talking, not the lamb. If the lamb were on the ground, he would flee.

 

 

EDIT: Sometimes you just need to give them a friend. Sometimes bullies are what they are because they feel bad about themselves so they try to make others miserable.

~Moved Post~