Posted September 7, 2011 (edited) OOC HERE Winged Cats Several humans surround you. A human with a net approaches you, another holding a dart gun. You look over to the left and right, trying to see if there are any more of them. The humans take the chance to capture you. One of them throws the net, which is weighted down at the edges by heavy pieces of metal. You struggle in vain and the other human gets his gun ready. You try again to get out. You hear a click and everything turns black. The last thing you remember is an aching pain in your back. *** You wake up to find yourself in a glass room. Everything is made out of glass except a metal pole in the middle. You see the clear blue sky outside, with the free-floating, puffy clouds. Beneath the sky, you see some dry dirt and sharp wires. There are chains attached at one end around the pole and the other end split into three chains; one on her neck, and one on each wing. You think about melting the chain and decide to try it. However, no matter how hard you try, you find that all you can produce is a small flame that is barely warm. You think for a while more, then try breaking out physically. You back up against the pole, and take a running start towards the outside. However, you find that your metal chain is much too short and your muscles seem exhausted although you've just slept an entire night. You settle down unhappily, and fall asleep again. Plot You are a winged cat. Your pelt is a beautiful shade of brown, while you have black or white wings. Your eyes are a glimmering silver and you can wield the element of fire. The fire you create, however, is silver instead of orange. Lately, many of the winged cats have been disappearing, and you've all realized that humans are the cause. No matter how many times your parents tell you not to leave the cave by yourself, you left one evening, and find yourself captured! You have to find a way out as fast as possible, because all those who reach the age of 4 years are taken away somewhere else where there is no chance of escape. It isn't going to be as easy as it seems... You can either start roleplaying from at the Sector, at the scene of the capture, or when you're being transported in a metal cage. The plot will change eventually when they escape. Winged Cats As said before, you have the element of fire which you begin to learn from your parents at the age of one month, or you're self-taught, also at the age of one month. The fire that you create is silver and gold. Winged Cats have a tendency to live in caves and dig tunnels out side and under the cave to store many things, and well as nests. Some also sleep on trees. The area the Winged Cats live in is full of prey and plants, and has been almost untouched by human filth. The area is rimmed by huge mountains that touch the clouds (the Himalayas). Winged Cats also tend to explore outside the area, but have been doing less of that since they've begun getting captured. Their diet consists of all types of plants and meat, and they can eat practically anything a human can, and more. They are normally very strong and fast; much faster than humans but also much smaller. Winged Cats are typically not effected by heat or cold, but prefer being in snow. They enjoy winter so much that the Himalayas are the perfect place for them as there is almost always snow at the top of the mountains. They are born as a kit, and after a week, their eyes open and they start walking. A few days after, they open their wings and begin to fly or swim if there is a lake nearby. Their life span is about 800 years. Winged Cats in the wild normally only sleep one or twos hours a day, but in the Facility, they sleep a lot more because they are effected by needles that seem to make their thoughts slower. Humans The human group that is capturing the cats is called Captors ((better name?)) and the leader of that group is Samantha Hussen. She is what some would call evil, and what others would call inquisitive. She captures the Winged Cats and does horrible tests on them. Samantha (Sam) has been able to find the Winged Cats general area (Himalayas), but she cannot find any of their caves or tunnels, which are well hidden and often covered with fire. The humans capture the Winged Cats by first tracking one down, and then getting the nets with extremely heavy weights on the sides. The only way they can even hold the net is that they have a small cart for it. They throw the net onto the cats, and then shoot them with a dart full of tranquilizing chemicals. They transport them back in a small cage made of the hardest metal they can find. Then, they bring them back to the Facility and sign them in an available Sector. The Winged Cats get injected with their first needle, which is typically much more effective than the other ones. Tying them up by metal collars, they leave them there until they experiment with them. The humans always have small tranquilizer guns with them just in case that one of the Winged Cats are being suspicious or some others try to recus them. All the humans working at the Facility are NPCs and no other humans can come. Setting The Facility is located right outside of the Himalayas and is massive. The Facility has two buildings: the Glass Section, and the Experiment Section. The Glass Section is, as the name implies, entirely made of glass. There are walls between each Sector, which are the rooms inside the Glass Section. Sectors are the big rooms made of glass that have a metal pole in the middle. The ground is metal though, and there is a big metal rut surrounding the pole where food and water goes. However, the especially cruel humans will put food in bowls at the edge of the rooms, just out of the reach of the cats. The food and water both have some purple liquid that makes them tired and sleepy. There are 20 Sectors, and each Sector can hold 10 cats. Around the perimeter of the Glass Section, there is a huge metal fence with electrifying wires. The ground below is also full of electric wires, and the thin layer outside is inflammable, even to the strongest of Winged Cat fires. The Experiment section is connected to the Glass Section by a yard with metal bottoms that only has a glass (inflammable, super strong) roof. The Experiment Section is much smaller; the size of two Sectors, plus another small room half the size of a Sector which is the office (sign-in, phones, etc). The Experiment Section has four small tables in each corner, as well as a big table in the middle where the equipment is located. The cats are put through various tests, such as the humans plucking their feathers and shaving their fur, drawing their blood, and much more. Every day, they are also given a needle which makes them sleepy and less strong, and put through as much testing as can fit in an hour. They are fed twice a day; sunset and sunrise. At noon, they are put through testing, and at midnight they are let outside in the metal area for an hour. The metal area is between the two Sections and has a metal ground with a small garden in the middle. Every five days, you get lead outside by humans on a metal chain still around your wings and neck. They bring you to a part of the forest surrounded by fences, and let you off your chain, although you can't fly or run fast. In the middle of the forest is a big pond where there are many fish. If you are lucky, you can catch one of those fish, or some of the other prey that run around the forest. The big pond in the middle has a small island, but it is very hard to get there because of the chain around your wings. Char sheet Username: (simple right?) Name: (any names, but nothing like adglakhalkclakgmaigjaphiaegj) Age: (age of 4 months to 4 years; be warned. If your character is 4 years, above, or around, the time will count and they will eventually be shipped away. Also add month and date of birth; there's a calendar thing in second post so please make it correspond to current date) Gender: (simple) Personality: (4 good sentences) Appearance: (follow the guidelines please ) Other: (you can put history here if you wish) Rules 1. All DCF rules apply (no godmodding, powerplaying, rudeness, etc). 2. OOC comments should be in double brackets. 3. The password is where they live. The password goes in the other section. 4. PM all forms to me. 5. At least 5 sentences for a post, and each sentence has to have 5 words. The sentences also have to mean something (nothing like "I walked and walked for a bit. Then i stopped. Then i started to walk again. Then i yawned and blinked heavily. Then i sneezed.) 6. Proper grammar and spelling. A typo is fine every once in a while, but no typing like this (We walked and walk How much longer i said they said not much longer and we kept walking) 7. Breaking the rules is a warning. 3 warnings and you are banned for a week. If you are banned 2 times, you are suspended for a month. If you choose to come back and get banned again, then you are banished and your character will be taken off in the Experiment Section to never be seen again. 8. Limit of 6 characters. Make sure you can handle them all. 9. No being able to use proper magic, or suddenly have the strength to kick through the wall unless it's time to escape. Stuff like that is not allowed. 10. HAVE FUN! Banned and Warned Warned: NONE yay! (well, this hasn't started yet ) Banned: Black List (gone forever, unless something changes) Edited October 3, 2011 by dragcave:D Share this post Link to post
Posted September 7, 2011 (edited) Accepted Characters Username: dragcave:D Name: Shrylia Age: around 9 months, January 16th Gender: Female (she-cat) Personality: Shrylia is normally cheerful, and tries to make the best out of every situation. She'll help others whenever she can and is generally friendly. However, if you get her mad, she'll snap at you and it will be hard to get on her good side again. One of the easy ways to get her mad is to talk down to her or fuss relentlessly about her. She's persistent and loves to have fun by being adventurous and exploring. Appearance: She has glossy black wings that get lighter at the end and beautiful, silky fur that is slightly darker than the color of honey (kind of like burning sugar). She is also slightly small for her age, but agile and better at hiding because of her size. Her beautiful silver eyes always shine, more so when she's happy. Other: She grew up in a family of three kits, with two brothers. Her parents were very nice and spoiled all of them by hunting the plumpest prey, finding the ripest berries and getting them fresh honey. She had very good control of her magic and was getting a handle on swimming. Being adventurous and curious by nature though, she was found by the humans. Username: Backup77 Name: Ink Age: 2 years. Birthday: September 27 Gender: She-cat Personality: Ink won't ever give up, no matter how many enemies she is facing. She hates to turn done a challenge, and will only do do if it is completely insane or absurd. She can be mistrusting at first, but once you get to know her she is extremely loyal. She often makes sarcastic comments about the situation she is in, and is always cheerful. Appearance: Ink is a small winged cat, but what she lacks in size and strength she makes up for in speed and agility. Her wings are jet black, and her fur is a very dark brown, almost black. Other: Username: Lalasa Name: Shion Age: 2 years, 1 month. September 4th. Gender: Male Personality: Shion can be a bit shy around strangers, but if you're friendly, he will open up a bit more. He's kind, and will sacrifice himself for his friends if needed. Sometimes he could be awkward, but he will always try to do his best and when you befriend him, he tries his best to be caring. He has an odd dislike for the dark caves his kind live in, and prefers to sleep outside when possible. He also likes the night sky, and sometimes stays up late just to watch the stars, which fascinate him. Appearance: His pelt is the color that humans would relate to milk chocolate, and his fur is smooth and silky, he keeps it well groomed. His wing feathers are mostly white, with an odd black feather here and there. Other: Shion's parents disappeared when he was just born, so he never knew them. The other winged cats raised him, taking turns catching him prey and bringing him food. Therefore, he was raised well, and felt as though all the winged cats that cared for him was family, therefore he was not lonely. His tendency to sleep outside is what made him end up captured, for he could not stand the dark, claustrophobic tunnels, and would sleep under the stars, sometimes wandering around a bit during the night. Username: Red Dragonette Name: Torma Age: 1 year and 11 months. November 13 Gender: Male (tom) Personality: Torma is pessimistic and self-pitying young cat who believes that there is no hope of escaping the humans and sees life in the lab as an eternal prison. As much as he wants to be free from all the torment he's suffered at the hands of the scientists, he knows that his dream will never come true because everything he has tried to do ends up in failure. He resents the humans for his capture and suffering in experiments, despite them letting him out for an hour outside to catch fish and breathe in the fresh air he enjoys. Torma tends to feel a bit sorry for the newcomers who get captured, though he tries not to show it as he intentionally gives off a cold-shouldered exterior to those who believe that there is a way to escape. Appearance: Torma is a light brown cat with solid ivory wings and dark silver eyes. Other: History will be revealed in the RP. Username: pudding Name: Boots Age: 4 Months, June 16th Gender: Female Personality: Boots is a rather vain cat, caring mostly about her appearance and even stopping at inappropriate times to comment on own her reflection or fix her fur. She is always getting into arguments over small things and recently has taken to correcting other's grammar and sometimes refering to herself in the third person. Her first reaction to almost everything is either running away or crying but as soon as someone looks weaker than her, she will not hesitate to taunt them and scratch them. Appearance: Boots is very tiny, even considering her age. Her body is a milky brown with stripes of darker brown across the top of her head and down her back. Her feet have dark brown 'boots' that appear almost black. Her wings are pure white, making it easy for her to tell when they have gotten dirty. Her eyes look more light gray than silver but this does not bother her in the slightest. Other: Username: crypticsoul Name: Aero Age: Almost Two years old, October 31st Gender: Female Personality: Aero is different. Sometimes she prefers he own company, and other times she craves the company of others. She is bold, yet witty and she has a tendency to judge others before getting to know them. Aero is set in her ways and is very stubborn, rarely giving into anyone without some protest, and she's very hard-headed. She's a loyal friend once you've gained her trust and she'll do anything for those who are kind to her. Aero cherishes her fellow cats and hopes one day to free them all from the human prison. Appearance: Aero is of average-build, slender and wiry, with a thick pelt of caramel-colored fur. She has white mittens on her front two paws but otherwise has no other markings. Her wings are jet black and her eyes are deep, pure silver. Other: History: Aero was the only female in a litter of four kittens, making her her father's joy and her mother's headache. Aero was constantly getting into trouble and was terribly rambunctious, and growing up with three brothers has made her a bit of a tomboy. She was close to her father, who always dotted on her and she could normally be found at his side. Though her mother scolded her often for not being more careful, Aero loved her anyway. It was her brothers that inadvertently led to her capture, for they dared her to sneak out of their den one night and go to the lake, which was forbidden by their mother. Aero, never one to back down from a dare, left the den when the moon was high and never returned. She hates this human place and is determined to find her way home. Username: UmbreWulf Name: Rainbow Sky Age: 4 months (June 5th, Noon, four months ago.) Gender: Female Personality: Shy and quick to mistrust strangers. She is very timid, but will open up to friends. She is funny and random with them, and very friendly. Rainbow is her nickname. Appearance: A rich caramel coat with an arc-shaped white mark across her face, one snow white wing, one jet black one Other: She was born in a beautiful valley unseen by humans. Her parents were kind and wise. She got too curious one day and wandered outside the valley... Sector 1: Ink (Backup77), Shrylia (dragcave:D), Shion (Lalasa), Torma (Red Dragonette), Boots (Pudding), Aero (crypticsoul), Rainbow Sky (UmbreWulf), Date* and Time: January February March April May June July August September October November December 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 Sunrise Noon Sunset Midnight Summary: Edited October 21, 2011 by dragcave:D Share this post Link to post
Posted September 7, 2011 (edited) I'd like to reserve this if that doesn't bother you, dragcave. Reserving means nobody else can critique it but me. That being said... I'll start critiquing this for you. You smirk, then think No problem. I'll just melt all of these. The comma at the end of smirk should be in front of "think" and No problem. I'll just melt all of these. should be "No problem. I'll just melt all of these." This is my first rp, so if you could go easy on me please >.< RP is usually capitalized because it is an acronym. Everything is made out of glass except the metal pole in the middle and then chains attached at one end to a circular metal piece around your wings, and the other attached to a small hook on a circular piece of metal around the pole. The first "the" in this sentence should be swapped to "a." Also swap the first comma to a period and delete the "and" right after it. However, no matter how hard you try, you find that all you can produce is a small flame that is barely warm. Remove all comma's in this sentence except for the first one. 7. Breaking the rules is a warning. 3 warnings and you are banned for a week. If you are banned 2 times, you are suspended for a month. If you choose to come back and get banned again, then you are banished and your character will be taken off in the Experiment Section to never be seen again. You should add a Blacklist then. Edited September 8, 2011 by Astrodeath311 Share this post Link to post
Posted September 7, 2011 (edited) Yeah. Also, in the middle of a crit post, I'll go back to that now. Also, comma's are NOT sprinkles! Edited September 7, 2011 by Astrodeath311 Share this post Link to post
Posted September 7, 2011 i tend to use commas a lot. i fixed it somewhat the first one: i see no diference between the fixed and original. typo? i also think that the comma is after the smirk as well because if you say it out loud, there's a pause there. correct me if i'm wrong third one: i did it a little differently. i think it's okay Share this post Link to post
Posted September 7, 2011 Oh, your anonymous. Also, I'm doing multiple things at once. What browser are you using? Share this post Link to post
Posted September 7, 2011 No, not Operating System. What BROWSER? (FireFox; Google Chrome; Internet Explorer; Opera; Safari, etc...) Share this post Link to post
Posted September 7, 2011 Apparently, I'm using something called Imploy. no idea... why? Share this post Link to post
Posted September 7, 2011 Get Firefox. Has a spellchecker when you right something wrong, so the red squiggly lines show up. You right-click the misspelled word, and a list of words show up in the R-click menu, choose the one you want, and it becomes it. What I'm using right now. Share this post Link to post
Posted September 7, 2011 oh god.. I'm probably getting a new cpu soon though, so i'll see. meanwhile, i'll check all this on word Share this post Link to post
Posted September 8, 2011 (edited) Derp; Taken? What is the Experimental Section? Your eyes are a glimmering silver and you can wield the element fire. Don't you mean "you can wield the element OF fire?" The human group that is capturing the cats is called Captors. The leader of that group is Samantha Hussen. and the leader of that group is called The Facility is located right outside of the Himalayas and is very big. Consider using an synonym such as Huge, or Massive. The tests the cats get are needles in them, plucking of feathers, drawing of blood and fur/skin samples. Awkward. Especially the part in bold. Edited September 8, 2011 by Astrodeath311 Share this post Link to post
Posted September 8, 2011 (edited) Consider using an acronym such as Huge, or Massive. I believe you mean a synonym Or are you suggesting those as names for the facility (and in which case, why would it have to be an acronym?) I'd also like to say that 'the leader of that group is Samantha' is not incorrect, it just looks slightly more awkward. And the original wording of 'However, no matter how hard you try, you find that all you can produce is a small flame that is barely warm.' was correct. Otherwise, it looks terribly rushed and borders on a run-on sentence. Edited September 8, 2011 by Dr. Paine Share this post Link to post
Posted September 8, 2011 okay. and i explain the experimental section didn't i? in the setting Share this post Link to post
Posted September 8, 2011 Alright. That's all I can really do; all I wanted to do was just make a few critique posts by myself; but Dr. Paine ruined it for me Share this post Link to post
Posted September 8, 2011 (edited) if your sure that's it, i'll probably open this to crit and say pretty much ready for approval right? Edited September 8, 2011 by dragcave:D Share this post Link to post
Posted September 9, 2011 (edited) I don't know if it's ready for approval but I can't see any more errors. Let other people run through it to see if I missed anything. Edited September 9, 2011 by Astrodeath311 Share this post Link to post
Posted September 10, 2011 Also; does "Taken" sound good to you as the title? Share this post Link to post
Posted September 13, 2011 *bump* somebody crit pretty please? *bats eyelashes* Share this post Link to post
Posted September 15, 2011 Hey--just for the sake of size management, I recommend deleting old bumps before making new ones. It's not any type of rule, though, so I'm just suggesting. Moving on, though, I noticed you haven't gotten much critique so I thought I'd do some! The human with a net approaches you, another holding a dart gun. Since you didn't previously establish a human with a net, it's improper to use "the". Switch it to "a". You hiss, trying to show that you're not afraid, but you're actually terrified. This is a very specific thing to be saying, and limits freedom for roleplayers. What if my character is a macho, fearless thug? He/she might not be afraid, or might not hiss, etc. etc. When using second person perspectives, it's always best to keep it a bit vague. You wake up to find yourself in a glass room. Everything is made out of glass except a metal pole in the middle. If this room is glass, I can see outside. What's outside? The chains attached at one end to a circular metal piece around both your wings, and the other attached to a small hook on a circular piece of metal around the pole. Honestly, I don't quite understand what this means. If you could explain it to me, I can help make it clearer. You smirk, then think, No problem. I'll just melt all of these. So now this is something that macho character would say, but what if my character is timid and young? I doubt that character would act like this. You sigh, then say in a quiet, but determined voice, "I'll guess I'll just have to break out the hard way." Aside from the aforementioned specificity issues, sighing seems like a rather subdued reaction, even for a cat. However, you find that your metal chain is much too short and your muscles seem exhausted although you've just slept an entire night. How do I know it's been a night? You have to find a way out as fast as possible, because all those who reach the age of 4 years are taken away somewhere else where there is no chance of escape. How do I know this? Share this post Link to post
Posted September 15, 2011 i fixed it a little bit, and you know because you've been told by some random 4 year old cat who was also taken away. well, the cats might not need to know, but just as an extra part of plot i guess Share this post Link to post
Posted September 16, 2011 Very good job on the editing. You see the clear blue sky outside, with the free floating puffy clouds. If the room is made completely out of glass, I'd think I'd be able to see below and around, and I don't think it's possible for the entire area to be sky. The chains attach at one end around the pole and the other end around your neck. As you haven't established chains, this sentence should be rewritten: There are chains attached at one end around the pole, with the other end around your neck. Your eyes are a glimmering silver and you can wield the element fire. I think that should be "element of fire", not just "element fire". As said before, you have the element fire which you begin to learn from your parents at the age of one month, or you're self-taught, also at the age of one month. Same as above. The area which the Winged Cats live in is full of prey and plants, and has been almost untouched by human filth. "which" should just be deleted. They enjoy winter so much that the Himaylas are the perfect place for them as there is almost always snow at the top of the mountains. You misspelled Himalayas here. Winged Cats in the wild normally only sleep one or twos hours a day, but in the Facility, they sleep a lot more because they are effected by the needles. What needles? The Facility has two buildings which are the Glass Section, and the Experiment Section. To make this sentence flow better, I'd change it to: The Facility has two buildings: the Glass Section and the Experiment Section. This is just personal opinion, though, so you don't have to. Share this post Link to post
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