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TJ09

Grammar Patrol

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From the Mutamore (view page) description:

 

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However, when winter begins to wane, these normally grouchy dragons undergo a massive personality shift and become excessively chipper and incredibly social with the solitary focus of pairing up themselves—and other—dragons.

 

I think the em dashes (?) don't make sense like this.

 

 

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Their lusciously soft feathers and paper-thin golden spires are by no means the armor of a warrior, but an Erador Lindwyrm is a force to be reckoned with.



This may be grammatically correct, but I find it super-confusing to start a description with the word "They."

The first sentence would be better if it was something like:

Erador Lindwyrms' lusciously soft feathers and paper-thin golden spires are by no means the armor of a warrior, but they can be a force to be reckoned with.

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1 hour ago, Kakaru_of_DOOM said:



This may be grammatically correct, but I find it super-confusing to start a description with the word "They."

The first sentence would be better if it was something like:

 

I actually like it like this, something a little different.

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Females Blancblacks have longer tails than males, which they use as whips when defending a nest from predators.

Female Blancblacks

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A male only stays with his mate until her egg hatches, then he leaves and she joins the other nursing females.

 

"nursing" implies that the purple females are producing a milk with which to feed their offspring. My understanding is that DC dragons are reptiles, and to my knowledge no reptile produces milk. (Certain birds produce a 'milk' in their crop which they regurgitate; some spiders exude their own version from their abdomens, but no reptiles seem to have anything.) Either add a point under "basic appearance/anatomy" that states female purples produce a milk from glands somewhere, or (probably better) the phase should be updated to "child-rearing females" or "females with young."

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Posted (edited)

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Despite their hoarding tendencies, though, Fire Gem dragons are social

 

From the Fire Gem adult description. Since the sentence starts with “despite,” “though” isn’t really necessary.

Edited by Niyaka
formatting

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Posted (edited)

Whiptail encyclopaedia entry:

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- Carnivores.
- Hatchlings eat a fair mix of meat and fruit to get the nutrients they need.

- Require less fruit as they grow older, consuming only meat once they reach adulthood.

 

I think the first bullet point should be "Carnivorous as adults." or "Adults are carnivores." to more accurately represent the changing dietary requirements.

 

Edited by Kakaru_of_DOOM
proofread!

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"Their delicate skin and thin scales are prone to external parasites, and so Sapo dragons are also fastidious groomers who will spend a considerable amount of time cleaning themselves, even using their bubbles to help blast away any unwanted debris."

 

The 'and' isn't necessary.

 

"Their delicate skin and thin scales are prone to external parasites, so Sapo dragons are also fastidious groomers who will spend a considerable amount of time cleaning themselves, even using their bubbles to help blast away any unwanted debris."

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1 minute ago, Lagie said:

"Their delicate skin and thin scales are prone to external parasites, and so Sapo dragons are also fastidious groomers who will spend a considerable amount of time cleaning themselves, even using their bubbles to help blast away any unwanted debris."

 

The 'and' isn't necessary.

 

"Their delicate skin and thin scales are prone to external parasites, so Sapo dragons are also fastidious groomers who will spend a considerable amount of time cleaning themselves, even using their bubbles to help blast away any unwanted debris."

 

the "also" could go, too.  "...so Sapo dragons are fastidious groomers..."

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