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Coelophysis

Sexual Orientation

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Sometimes I wish I could say I was asexual to combat a specific problem I deal with.

 

Here's an example of the problem:

 

Today my all-boys high school went to the all-girls school nearby for this freshman event. After the event was over, there was so time left to chat, so practically all my classmates started talking to the girls, "hitting on them" as stuff. Some of them have "relationships" with them as well. What was I doing? Standing far away, waiting to leave.

 

I have no interest in dating others until I get to college. This is for various personal reasons. Because I don't date or have a girlfriend or even hit on them, sometimes my classmates ask me if I'm gay. I'm not. However, a lot of teenagers these days can't grasp the idea of someone not wanting a relationship, or not wanting to hit on someone. That's why I sometimes wish I could just say "I'm asexual" to try and get rid of that problem in hopes that both the boys and girls will understand and not care.

Except the part where a lot of people would respond to that with "what's that mean?" or "you're sick/broken" or "stop lying". Or they'd tell you to just try it because you just haven't found somebody you like yet but if you do you'll find them. Or the "how can you know you're asexual until you have sex?" one.

 

So that wouldn't actually guarantee that you'd escape it, and in fact might end up with more issues.

 

Not to mention the fact that, one issue some aces deal with, is that they're not aromantic--which means they want a romantic relationship but don't really want a sexual one.

 

Which, for some asexuals, REALLY poses a problem on the dating scene--because if they're the kind of asexual who really does NOT want to have sex at all (some asexuals are okay with having sex, because you don't need to be sexually attracted to a person to have sex with them--it's complicated)... Then dating a sexual person is often a problem because they have needs and if you're not comfortable fulfilling those needs... Then it doesn't work out very well, unless you're okay with them having sexual relations with other people (which, hey, if that's how it works for those involved, that's awesome for them).

 

One problem is that the asexual dating pool is already a minority one. And then, on top of that, you have the fact that since we're all different people you're obviously not automatically compatible with everyone. So finding an asexual in your area (if you're not up for long-distance) who you're compatible with can be very difficult, which means that the dating scene can become that much harder and more upsetting and stressful.

 

I'm sure there are challenges, but I'd much rather deal with those than, um, these...

Here's some of what asexuals deal with! (You'll note some overlap with those of other sexualites):

  • Being told they're sick/broken
  • Being told they're lying
  • Being told to stop trying to be a special snowflake because it's not a real sexuality
  • Being told they just haven't met the right person yet
  • Being told they don't exist
  • "Corrective rape"

 

And, of course, that's not even getting people to understand that sexual drive =/= sexual attraction so you can be an ace and still get horny and/or have sex, etc. And you have to explain the idea of romantic orientation as, in some people, being distinctly different from sexual orientation. Which often just confuses people.

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I don't know if this is normal but until now I actually have no sexual preference, guess it cause I'm still a virgin, I don't think it's a shameful thing to say, I just wanted to give it to someone really special but I don't know who that is...yet

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@Kagesora

I really have no worry for outside torment. (Except maybe the rape bit, I don't give a censorkip.gif about the rest)

None of those [outside problems] would bother me whatsoever

I don't care if people attempt to insult me anymore, it stopped hurting years ago. They can insult me as long as I can imply things back (most of which goes over their heads as being a cleverly disguised insult xd.png)

 

@Dimar

I'd still like to be able to not care all that much. It would be infinitely better than this

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@Kagesora

I really have no worry for outside torment. (Except maybe the rape bit, I don't give a censorkip.gif about the rest)

None of those [outside problems] would bother me whatsoever

I don't care if people attempt to insult me anymore, it stopped hurting years ago. They can insult me as long as I can imply things back (most of which goes over their heads as being a cleverly disguised insult xd.png)

 

@Dimar

I'd still like to be able to not care all that much. It would be infinitely better than this

But if you have sexual urges, you do still care--just not about satisfying them with specific people.

 

And you could very well still have the desire to be romantically involved with somebody. Which, as I said, presents it's own set of problems.

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Except the part where a lot of people would respond to that with "what's that mean?" or "you're sick/broken" or "stop lying".  Or they'd tell you to just try it because you just haven't found somebody you like yet but if you do you'll find them.  Or the "how can you know you're asexual until you have sex?" one.

I've heard of those responses being brought up during the subject, but at my school I personally believe that they would be more accepting of the fact with fewer questions being brought up. I think there are a few aces at my school, and they aren't urged on about it.

 

I don't know, I could be wrong. Maybe a few would act that way. I've never been affected by people who doubt me or don't believe me, maybe it would be different. I'll never find out.

Edited by Bacon_Strips

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I could never bring myself to having a strong sexual attraction toward others. Sometimes I have even tried. What made it more difficult is people around me and even people I considered friends would put me down like something was seriously wrong with me, or that I was gay. Apparently even my mom worried I might be gay. After a while I couldn't help but wonder if there really was something seriously wrong with me. The way my parents raised me certainly didn't help. I've also grown up in some pretty crummy places. It might be part of the reason I haven't found anyone yet. Sometimes I do feel like I'm better off alone. Unfortunately I do get lonely, and that is another thing I've struggled with my whole life. I really don't care what people think of me anymore. But I can say for sure is it's not easy.

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But if you have sexual urges, you do still care--just not about satisfying them with specific people.

 

And you could very well still have the desire to be romantically involved with somebody. Which, as I said, presents it's own set of problems.

I had some time to think about this overnight. And I think that the disagreement here is one of perspective. From my point of view, anything would be an improvement that would make my life easier. I understand that there are different challenges, but to me they couldn't be worse than what I have to deal with now. Though honestly, I did think that being asexual meant you weren't sexually attracted to anyone, which would imply more than just not wanting to have sex. (Actually, the way it's being described right now would practically qualify me as asexual O_o I am probubbly misunderstanding something...)

 

And yeah, I should hope I would. I can deal with those, most of the time. (That's a discussion for elsewhere though smile.gif )

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I had some time to think about this overnight. And I think that the disagreement here is one of perspective. From my point of view, anything would be an improvement that would make my life easier. I understand that there are different challenges, but to me they couldn't be worse than what I have to deal with now. Though honestly, I did think that being asexual meant you weren't sexually attracted to anyone, which would imply more than just not wanting to have sex. (Actually, the way it's being described right now would practically qualify me as asexual O_o I am probubbly misunderstanding something...)

 

And yeah, I should hope I would. I can deal with those, most of the time. (That's a discussion for elsewhere though smile.gif )

People are trying to explain to you why you wouldn't be happier, just facing a different set of problems, because it's a common myth that, for whatever reason, asexual's lives are just so much easier when they're not. So it's always frustrating to hear someone say they wish they were asexual just so their life were easier. It might seem easier to you now (looking in at someone else's life, it may seem easier a lot of the time just because it would be different), but if you actually were asexual, you wouldn't be like 'oh yay, my life is so much easier than it could be'.

 

Asexual means not experiencing sexual attraction. Some asexuals still have libido or sex drive, though, and may masturbate. Some asexuals may have sex anyway because they have a sexual partner (though I know ace/ace couples who have sex for various reasons). Some asexuals are demi or gray where they only experience sexual attraction once they are romantically attracted to someone or they experience periods of off and on asexuality. Some asexuals even have kinks, which is kind of its own interesting issue since they may have a kink but don't really ever want to have sex and physically act on it. And do remember that asexuality =/= celibacy or impotence.

 

Asexuality is a broad spectrum, and yeah, we have our own problems, especially trying to fit into a sexual world where only ~1 - 2% of us are asexual.

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I am an aromantic asexual!

 

I think the thing that I've struggled with the most are societal expectations. Like people talk about the various people they dated and had sex with during high school and university and it seems like a Really Important Thing??? And I didn't do any of that stuff/don't desire it and it makes me feel like there's something wrong me. But at the same time I'm completely happy the way I am and I can live my life however I want. So I have a bit of an internal war from time to time.

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Ok well I apologize to the people who have struggles with being asexual. I didn't mean to offend. And yes it is hard to understand the difficulty of something while standing away and seeing it with a different perspective.

 

That being said, I still do desire it considering what I'm going through. :/

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Mmm, I don't think you were trying to offend. It's difficult to understand, but it's quite true.

 

I'm somewhere on the asexual-graysexual spectrum and I live with crippling guilt because of it. My mind eats me alive because I can't make my sexuality "clear-cut," and combine that with pretty heavy monogamous tendencies I can't even date (even though I'm not aromantic) because I would guilt myself sick at being unable to give my whole sexuality to my partner.

 

I've been insulted several times when I spoke up and mentioned not ever wanting to get married. Apparently that makes me selfish for preferring to keep myself to myself.

 

It can be complicated being gray in a world of bright colors.

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Ok well I apologize to the people who have struggles with being asexual. I didn't mean to offend. And yes it is hard to understand the difficulty of something while standing away and seeing it with a different perspective.

 

That being said, I still do desire it considering what I'm going through. :/

I wasn't taking offense, I just wanted to explain why it's not the walk in the park some people assume it is, and that it comes with it's own issues that can be just as problematic to deal with as what some people assume they'd escape.

 

 

It really does, though, depend on what you're going through. Being asexual might help in that regard, or it could do absolutely nothing for you and instead ad an extra layer of trouble to deal with.

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So, I'm heterosexual, have 16 years and this year is the first of my "romantic life".

I always lied (and still do, only people very, very close to me knows) about having my first kiss years ago (like, at 12 or 13), because that is something that people at my age think is so damn important, and I'm no fool to tell people the truth; they will probably make fun of me for a long, long time. (I know people who told the truth and the answer of the group was always the same) Also, I'm not that kind of person who awaits for the right one, with a romantic view of it (like a little girl thinking about her wedding dress to be just like her new Barbie's). My boyfriend was the first who asked me to be his girlfriend, and for being already his friend and being curious about how this would work out, I accepted it. We are together for 7 months now.

I actually never thought of going to a party and kiss so many boys that I would lost the count. It never really seemed to me as an important thing, making me think, several times, that I was asexual or even bi, as I already had some fantasies with women (although I can't see it becoming true) now I know that I'm not any of these.

I try to ignore the group's "experience" on the number of people they have already kissed, but sometimes I do feel bad and naive (something I hate to be) about this. Maybe I even "bully" myself... Argh

It's hard and at the same time good to write this down. That's it.

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So, I'm heterosexual, have 16 years and this year is the first of my "romantic life".

I always lied (and still do, only people very, very close to me knows) about having my first kiss years ago (like, at 12 or 13), because that is something that people at my age think is so damn important, and I'm no fool to tell people the truth; they will probably make fun of me for a long, long time. (I know people who told the truth and the answer of the group was always the same) Also, I'm not that kind of person who awaits for the right one, with a romantic view of it (like a little girl thinking about her wedding dress to be just like her new Barbie's). My boyfriend was the first who asked me to be his girlfriend, and for being already his friend and being curious about how this would work out, I accepted it. We are together for 7 months now.

I actually never thought of going to a party and kiss so many boys that I would lost the count. It never really seemed to me as an important thing, making me think, several times, that I was asexual or even bi, as I already had some fantasies with women (although I can't see it becoming true) now I know that I'm not any of these.

I try to ignore the group's "experience" on the number of people they have already kissed, but sometimes I do feel bad and naive (something I hate to be) about this. Maybe I even "bully" myself... Argh

It's hard and at the same time good to write this down. That's it.

It has always annoyed me a lot when young people make such a big deal out of the matter, laughing at their friends who have had no romantic experience yet. It just makes no sense to me, because it's only *your* (and your partner's, in cases when there is one) business. One isn't supposed to have kissed someone by a certain age, and having done it isn't really an achievement to boast about either.

 

For the first time I dated a girl, even had sex with her, when I was thirteen, and there is nothing "cool" about the fact it happened so early. I used to do the opposite actually, telling everyone that I hadn't been asked out or kissed by anyone yet, because I was scared to freak people out with the truth.

 

Don't worry about that, mhm? I don't think you should feel bad about the whole thing, because the number of people you've had something with doesn't matter at all, what's important is to find the right partner if you need one, no matter how late/early, and to find harmony with them.

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It has always annoyed me a lot when young people make such a big deal out of the matter, laughing at their friends who have had no romantic experience yet. It just makes no sense to me, because it's only *your* (and your partner's, in cases when there is one) business. One isn't supposed to have kissed someone by a certain age, and having done it isn't really an achievement to boast about either.

 

For the first time I dated a girl, even had sex with her, when I was thirteen, and there is nothing "cool" about the fact it happened so early. I used to do the opposite actually, telling everyone that I hadn't been asked out or kissed by anyone yet, because I was scared to freak people out with the truth.

 

Don't worry about that, mhm? I don't think you should feel bad about the whole thing, because the number of people you've had something with doesn't matter at all, what's important is to find the right partner if you need one, no matter how late/early, and to find harmony with them.

That's a totally different perspective than mine, woah, thanks for sharing.

I totally agree with you, and listening (in the case, reading) this from another person that's not that little voice inside my head is really great. I never actually listened/read these words from another person, people who knows the truth just respect me and don't say a word, most of the times just nod with pity, and then I get really sad, although my face is smiling, laughing at my life.

Thanks again happy.gif

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I don't really like to get into relationships. Wouldn't that be called asexual?... I don't know much about it...

Edited by OnyxKitteh

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I don't really like to get into relationships. Wouldn't that be called asexual?... I don't know much about it...

Many people don't like relationships. Sometimes you feel ready for one, sometimes you don't. You can be asexual and still be in a romantic relationship, so maybe you're thinking aromantic? It is a confusing subject.

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"Love is not love which alters, when it alteration finds." - Shakespeare, Sonnet 116

 

This applies not just to romantic relationships, but to familial as well, like parents who disown their children for being gay or trans.

 

When you ask most new parents-to-be what they want, a boy or a girl, most will say it doesn't matter, as long as it's healthy. So tell me, what changes that?

 

When did your love for your child become conditional?

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I don't really like to get into relationships. Wouldn't that be called asexual?... I don't know much about it...

Only if you don't find yourself sexually attracted to other people.

 

Like, from what I understand, sexual people will see people and think on some level that they either would like to or wouldn't mind being sexually involved with people? As an asexual, I don't really see people and think that (though, I do have my one or two exceptions--kinda like how people have that one person they'd go gay/straight for or something).

 

If you don't like romantic relationships and you still feel any kind of sexual attraction, that'd be aromantic.

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I don't really understand 'demisexual'. Could someone please explain to me exactly what it means?

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So I guess I am an aromantic asexual...? Idk...

I don't want to get in a relationship but then I do! It's quite annoying. Whatever. Maybe one day I will change. Sometimes I think I am bisexual. There are a few people that I kind of like but I don't/want to be in a relationship with them. It confuses me!!! DX

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I doubt you're aromatic asexual just because you don't want a relationship at 14. I thought relationships at 14 were stupid and pointless, but that didn't mean I was an asexual aromantic.

Edited by 7Deadly$ins

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Well, things may change in the future. It also may not. You never know. I'm not really sure what I am really, but whatever I am may change. I don't really think relationships are stupid and pointless at all. Sometimes they are a good thing. I'm just a bit confussed on what I want.

 

I also don't think it matters much what I am anyway. I am what I am, whether there's a name for it or not. Anyway, I doubt I will change. You may think, "Oh, whatever. Your only 14. You don't know what you are talking about." but there are many reasons I think I won't change my sexual orientation... whatever it may be at the moment... But again, things can always change.

 

(Now I think I might gray-asexual...)

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I know I'm heterosexual, but I have very, very little interest in actually being in a relationship. And so far I haven't found any real guys I find sexually attractive. The two have nothing to do with each other though.

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