Sexual Orientation

[Tazzay]

I haven't really had any "sexual" desires for other people, but my last girlfriend and I were pretty close.

 

I don't know, it's kinda hard to explain it to somebody at school, like mine, because it's one of those public schools where, if your not straight, thin and a total , then you are immediately one of the people who are shoved into a corner and never spoken to. I'm just so thankful I have a bunch of friends at school who accept my sexuality and don't look at me as a whole different person~

Edited August 28, 2012 by SockPuppet Strangler

[psyshock]

I would have to say that I am homosexual. I have never had any sexual attraction to females, only males and I have had some crushes on girls before, but I know now it was just mistaken for friendship. What I find funny hough is now that I personally know I am gay I feel that in the back of my mind I always knew, even before I knew what gay/straight was.

[Dauntingale]

I am heterosexual, but I have many friends who are bisexual and gay, and I totally support and love them.

[Shadowdrake]

I don't have much sexual desire, so... probably heteroromantic asexual. Maybe somewhat fluid towards regular straightness.

[hazeh]

I'm bisexual, I guess. >.> I hate telling that to people that don't already know me fairly well, as I tend to get thrown in with the girls out there who only say/do things of that nature to get extra attention from the opposite sex. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that it's not me.

 

I'm sure I'll always be bisexual, but I refrain from getting involved with women nowadays. I used to mess around with other chicks, but I never had a relationship with one. It was just sort of a friends-with-benefits thing, and I had to say goodbye to that when I had a kid. Since I've started this whole commitment deal I haven't honestly considered being with women romantically, since my mother is a homophobic and would probably go all-out trying to take my daughter away if I did. She nearly broke my neck when she found out I'd kissed a girl (and I'd liked it -- but seriously.)

 

It's not a huge loss, though. To be completely honest, I don't think I've ever been romantically attracted to another female. I've just always been a tomboy. All my friends were guys growing up and I've always just got along better with males. You'd think this would make me more prone to connect with women, but it hasn't. I've had plenty of female friends, but hardly any of them were what you'd call close friends. There's just a social wall there, I guess -- we don't connect in that way, if at all. Also, now that I've moved to a smaller, quieter town, there's not a lot of options. I just don't rock the night-life anymore.

 

It's been a while since I've said anything about this to anyone. I'm just waiting to be shunned by all the female friends I have on here now. >.>

No shunning allowed here |D welcome to the club, dear!

[applegirl]

Well. I consider myself heterosexual. As for sexual desire, I really dunno about that. Given, I don't know what sex is like since I'm still a virgin, and I've done absolutely nothing with men, not even the general stuff like; no holding hands, kissing, etc. I would imagine I would have to really, really genuinely like someone to feel true sexual attraction to him in the sense I'm okay with him emotionally and physically in the intimate matter, I guess. Sometimes I wonder if that's just my idealization of love, though.

[wonton55912]

I'm bi. Bi-something. I don't know. I can't actually see myself in a dating relationship with a female. I'm more attracted to a mans personality than their body, opposite for women.

People tell me "You can't be bisexual, you're a virgin"

I'm also told "It's a phase" and "It's normal for teens"

 

So I just refer to myself as bi. If people dunno what I'm talking about I say I'm "half lesbian" so they'll understand. (even though it's not really "half")

 

I guess if you wanted to put all the fancy labels I would be "Heteroromantic bisexual" if that makes any sense.

[prairiecrow]

I have a question. I am bisexual myself, but I've recently found myself writing my first asexual character, a homoromantic gray-a male who's in love with a non-human character. Now, he insists that he's an ace, but he's capable of experiencing occasional sexual impulses (of the self-pleasuring variety), and even of wanting (very occasionally) to explore a simulation of romance-driven sexuality with the non-human character in a virtual environment.

 

Should my character be re-evaluating what he calls himself? Is he still asexual (since sexual contact is the LAST thing he wants in the real world, with anybody), or would he be technically demisexual due the the virtual reality hijinks with someone he's deeply emotionally and intellectually attracted to? I know he's not lacking in sensuality, if that makes any difference... and I do want to get his portrayal right and treat the subject with the respect it deserves.

 

ETA: If anybody wants to read the story where his asexuality and homoromantic leanings are addressed (which is rated R for language and mild violence, not for sexual content), it's finished and posted to AO3 and I can provide a link to it on request. Thanks in advance for any help folks are able to provide!

Edited November 26, 2012 by prairiecrow

[binicorn]

Should my character be re-evaluating what he calls himself? Is he still asexual (since sexual contact is the LAST thing he wants in the real world, with anybody), or would he be technically demisexual due the the virtual reality hijinks with someone he's deeply emotionally and intellectually attracted to? I know he's not lacking in sensuality, if that makes any difference... and I do want to get his portrayal right and treat the subject with the respect it deserves.

 

ETA: If anybody wants to read the story where his asexuality and homoromantic leanings are addressed (which is rated R for language and mild violence, not for sexual content), it's finished and posted to AO3 and I can provide a link to it on request. Thanks in advance for any help folks are able to provide!

Well, I don't really think that anyone, fictional or otherwise, SHOULD re-evaluate what they call themselves. If asexual is the label that he's most comfortable with, then that's the word he should use, in my opinion. The only reason he should re-evaluate what he calls himself is if he doesn't feel that the word is right for him.

 

Like, I identify as bisexual, even though since I don't really take gender into consideration when I'm attracted to someone, a lot of people tell me I should actually identify as pansexual. But I don't, because that word doesn't feel right to me.

 

So I guess what I'm saying is that your character should define his own identity based on what feels right to him.

[prairiecrow]

Well, I don't really think that anyone, fictional or otherwise, SHOULD re-evaluate what they call themselves. If asexual is the label that he's most comfortable with, then that's the word he should use, in my opinion. The only reason he should re-evaluate what he calls himself is if he doesn't feel that the word is right for him.

Thank you for sharing your POV based on personal experience. I greatly appreciate it.

 

The character in question is very firm in his definition of himself as gray-a (his attraction to the non-human character accounting for the "gray" end of his personal spectrum); it's the non-human character who is highly intrigued by the whole "orientation/gender" question and gets into long involved discussions with him on the topic.

 

I suppose I'm just a bit fuzzy on the gray-a/demisexual boundary. (Is demisexuality determined by the tying of sexual desire to emotional attachment, whereas a gray-a might experience sexual attraction without the emotional element being present? What, exactly, counts as sexual desire versus the desire for sensual engagement? Does the desire to be intimate in virtual reality even count as sexual attraction? Such are the things these two people talk about late at night... )

[urge101]

Wow, this is akward for me. This makes me look at a LOT of people differently.

[satyr76]

On the whole "identifying as ace" thing, I think I can kind of relate. I identify as gay, although I'm really around a 5 on the Kinsey scale (nit entirely sure-I'm only fourteen, so I'm still confused ), I feel more comfortable identifying as gay. Although, realistically, i couldn't see myself ever being in a relationship with a girl, so I think gay might be the best word for me.

[St. Jimmy]

Wow, this is akward for me. This makes me look at a LOT of people differently.

Why, if you don't mind me asking? They're still the same people.

[Wookieinmashoo]

Wow, this is akward for me. This makes me look at a LOT of people differently.

 

This reminds me of a story. I went to a convention about six or so months ago. There were six people and one bed. People were sleeping on the floor, but three of us were in the bed. Two asexuals on the ends and a pansexual in the middle. It sounds like the start of a bad joke really (What do you call a pansexual with an asexual on either side? A pancake ._. ), but on the second day the asexual on the other end wanted to snuggle with the pansexual. Pansexual didn't want to snuggle and just scooted closer to me until I had no room on the bed. I ended up sleeping on the floor next to another friend whose sexuality is a mystery. There's a joke that he is his own sexuality so we just say that he's jeffsexual.

 

I know many people that are not "straight" and honestly it rarely crosses my mind and most of the time I just forget.

Edited November 28, 2012 by SockPuppet Strangler

[HeatherMarie]

I know many people that are not "straight" and honestly it rarely crosses my mind and most of the time I just forget.

I really like this right here.

 

I'm part of a small-ish forum where many of the members are some form of not-straight, including multiple transgender and at least two asexuals. The thing is, I know this, we are all fairly open about that sort of thing... But I talk to these people every single day and yeah, I often forget. Not in the "wait, what are you again?" way, but in a "you are a close friend and that's how I see you" sort of way. I don't *need* to always remember who is what, because there is a lot more to these people then just their orientation.

 

And I think that's often where people get stuck, especially people who feel awkward around certain "types" of people. That friend you've had for ten years is the exact same person he was ten minutes ago, before he told you he's (fill-in-the-blank). You don't have to overthink that part. Just accept it, and remember that it's still the same person.

[hazeh]

On the whole "identifying as ace" thing, I think I can kind of relate. I identify as gay, although I'm really around a 5 on the Kinsey scale (nit entirely sure-I'm only fourteen, so I'm still confused ), I feel more comfortable identifying as gay. Although, realistically, i couldn't see myself ever being in a relationship with a girl, so I think gay might be the best word for me.

Hey Saytr! I'm the exact same way, only from a lesbian's POV I think I'm a 5 too, but I highly doubt I'd ever be in a relationship with a guy. I still consider myself a lesbian though!

[Shadlok]

I don't really like to label myself as something that seems to be a kind of 'you either are or aren't' kind of thing, because I don't see sexuality to be something that can be just put into subgroups of black and white sexuality in which you must be bisexual, or asexual, or I-like-any-thing-as-long-as-it-breathes-sexual. I think labels just limit the mind and don't allow it to see past what label people are and almost encourages homophobia. It shouldn't really matter if you're a heterosexual or a homosexual with pink and purple spots and stripes, (not that I'm saying all homosexuals have pink and purple patterned bodies ). I think we should get rid of labels and encourage people to just be who they are instead of conforming to these groups.

 

When I talk to people, I don't really think "oh, this person is gay. I'd better act in this way", to me, people are just people. It doesn't matter what sexuality they are. They can be Globalsexual and just want to love everything if they want, so it irritates me when people are like "I can't really see [insert name here] the same way because they're [insert stereotypical label here]." The first issue with this, is if that's the attitude you're going to take to people who were once your friends because you're worried they're going to start trying it on with you, then they're probably not going to like you anyway. Secondly, if they're your true friend, you should be able to see past who they want to make love to because what they do in their bedroom with their bodies is their own personal choice and shouldn't bother you at all.

 

I don't really know, I guess I could be labelled as a bisexual, I've kissed both males and females and take sexual interest in both, but I could also be labelled as a Demisexual since I only have feelings for my partner who some of you may know as Neji-Ran on the forums. But that is why I don't like labels, because people tend to find themselves drifting between them and often encourages people to question themselves and who they are. To an extent, this is healthy as it helps self-development, but not to the point when they're becoming obsessed with it and maybe developing depression. I was at that point until I realized that the idea of trying to pin someone's sexuality down with a word is pretty much damn near impossible - in my opinion, at least.

 

But I think it's interesting to see what people label themselves as and the views they take here. I'm probably one of the most tolerant people around in terms of sexuality. I don't care what you are, if you're my friend, then that's all there really is to it for me. And even if you're not my friend, I don't mind who you are, I won't discriminate. And that's probably what makes me so intolerant of homophobia and people that just won't accept others for who they are. (Does that even make sense? Probably not. It's 4:20AM.)

 

That's just my two cents. You don't have to agree with it, you don't have to like it. It's how I feel and I think the world would be a much better place if we could just accept everyone for who they actually are, and not just the labels they are branded with.

 

*Prepares to be bricked.*

[Switch]

I don't really consider having a name for my sexuality a label. :c I just think of it as another word to describe me, I guess.

 

Since I've not posted here, umm. I think I'd be called Homoromantic? Not totally sure but it sounds right. ;w;

 

Wow, this is akward for me. This makes me look at a LOT of people differently.

Err, why? o.o

Edited November 28, 2012 by Switch

[Obscure_Trash]

I have a question. I am bisexual myself, but I've recently found myself writing my first asexual character, a homoromantic gray-a male who's in love with a non-human character. Now, he insists that he's an ace, but he's capable of experiencing occasional sexual impulses (of the self-pleasuring variety), and even of wanting (very occasionally) to explore a simulation of romance-driven sexuality with the non-human character in a virtual environment.

 

Is he still asexual (since sexual contact is the LAST thing he wants in the real world, with anybody), or would he be technically demisexual due the the virtual reality hijinks with someone he's deeply emotionally and intellectually attracted to? I know he's not lacking in sensuality, if that makes any difference... and I do want to get his portrayal right and treat the subject with the respect it deserves.

 

ETA: If anybody wants to read the story where his asexuality and homoromantic leanings are addressed (which is rated R for language and mild violence, not for sexual content), it's finished and posted to AO3 and I can provide a link to it on request. Thanks in advance for any help folks are able to provide!

Binicorn addressed the point really well, but I just wanted to add a few thoughts I had upon reading this regarding the asexuality stuff, since I am asexual and can come at it from this perspective:

-I know at least one ace in a relationship with another ace and they have sex sometimes

-Aces in relationships

-You can be asexual with a libido. Asexuality =/= libidoness. An asexual with a libido would, as you put it "experiencing occasional sexual impulses (of the self-pleasuring variety)"

-How would this: "even of wanting (very occasionally) to explore a simulation of romance-driven sexuality with the non-human character in a virtual environment." point to him not being asexual? /Sock misses the obvious

-Curiosity doesn't have to mean they really desire or feel the attraction. Perhaps he's just sex curious right now and exploring that through a medium he's comfortable with. ;3

-I myself would place more emphasis on reality attractions and desires in labeling himself. However! Labels are really for our own benefit, so if he feels he needs to label himself based on what he does in virtual reality, that's up to him. Heck, if he wanted to label himself with a virtual reality orientation and a reality orientation, that'd be fine, too. However, I'll note that us asexuals can be into some weird stuff, but at the core of it, we don't feel sexual desire. We like what we like for the same reasons sexuals like what you like: we are intrigued by it or entertained by it or whatnot.

 

I suppose I'm just a bit fuzzy on the gray-a/demisexual boundary. (Is demisexuality determined by the tying of sexual desire to emotional attachment, whereas a gray-a might experience sexual attraction without the emotional element being present? What, exactly, counts as sexual desire versus the desire for sensual engagement? Does the desire to be intimate in virtual reality even count as sexual attraction? Such are the things these two people talk about late at night... )

 

I think how the AVEN lexicon puts it might help explain the boundary between gray-a and demi a little more:

 

Asexuality and sexuality are not black and white; some people identify in the gray (spelled "grey" in some countries) area between them. People who identify as gray-A can include, but are not limited to those who:

 

        do not normally experience sexual attraction, but do experience it sometimes

        experience sexual attraction, but a low sex drive

        experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them

        people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances

 

Similarly, some people who might technically belong to the gray area choose to identify as asexual because it is easier to explain. For example, if someone has experienced sexual attraction on one or two brief, fleeting occasions in their life, they might prefer to call themselves asexual because it is not worth the bother of having to explain these one or two occasions to everyone who asks about their orientation.

 

Whereas demi just identifies that you only experience sexual attraction once you're in a close relationship with someone. I've also heard it used when people don't feel sexual attraction unless they are already feeling romantic attraction to the person/feeling romantic attraction at the same time.

 

Just because we have the two terms doesn't mean they can't overlap. Someone could very well identify as a demi-gray-a.

 

But yes, a gray-a can experience sexual attraction without also feeling romantic attraction.

 

Trying to give a hard definition of sexual desire or draw a line between it and acts typically thought of as sexual is hard simply because this just is or isn't a part of us and we don't really understand the whole science behind it well enough to be able to quantify exactly what it is and put it into nice, neat boxes. In a general sense, it's almost impossible. If you had some more specific examples, I might be able to elaborate a little. :3

If we talk about sensual engagement as just something gratifying to the senses, it may help in separating when this crosses the line to sexual or not. Many would call masturbating inherently sexuals, but for most asexuals who masturbate, it's not. They may watch porn out of interest, but they don't need to look at people or even think of a person in order to become aroused. They may just find a relaxed state or a place that they like. The act is done simply because it feels good, not because of sexual frustration or desire. Since sexuals always try to explain sexual attraction to me by comparing it to hunger, I'll go with that comparison. For asexuals with libido, masturbating is more akin to eating their favorite ice cream while for sexuals, they're likely doing it for sexual gratification, not just physical gratification (although sexuals certainly can do it just for physical gratification - lots of young kids experiment with touching themself because of this).

 

As for the intimate part... Intimate just implies the want to be close to others, which asexuals can and certainly do desire. Many asexuals enjoy hugging and cuddling and kissing. It's a show that you care for someone and (for many) it's enjoyable. ;3

And, finally, the virtual part. Again, I think that really depends on the person. Perhaps it's not the label of asexuality that you should be asking about, but the label of who they're attracted to (people, virtual people, animals, aliens). Are they attracted to these physical characteristics or the personality? Does the stuff simply turn their body on or does it turn their whole self on? I think it would be interesting as a writer to explore why it is that he feel sexual attraction in virtual reality but not just reality.

 

In the end, however, people are just so vastly diverse that we just can't quantify all of this and people will end up having to come up with creative labels when they find they just don't fit into predefined labels or they're in a situation that may be not so common. o3o

 

~

 

Aaaand I feel like perhaps that was more ramble-y than conversational. Sorry! I just don't get asked/don't come across actual discussion points on asexuality that often. Mostly just for definitions (I've never heard of demisexual before - what's that mean, what's it mean to have two labels for your sexuality - romantic and sexual, etc.).

 

I don't really know, I guess I could be labelled as a bisexual, I've kissed both males and females and take sexual interest in both, but I could also be labelled as a Demisexual since I only have feelings for my partner who some of you may know as Neji-Ran on the forums. But that is why I don't like labels, because people tend to find themselves drifting between them and often encourages people to question themselves and who they are.

 

I think you've kind of hit the nail on the head. People tend to like to label things. However, having such strict labels really confuses a lot of people still discovering themselves. And then you have people who realize how often these lines blur and that's why you get people who label themselves homoromantic pan-gray-asexual and whatnot. I don't think having labels stops people from doing anything, though I do think too much emphasis on labels ends up confusing people who only know the strict labels and find that they don't fall exactly within those lines. On another forum, our GSA thread is quite active and most of that are young kids who know they aren't just straight or aren't just gay but have no idea what this means or that it's okay or that sexuality is fluid or that not everyone figures out this part of them early on or even at all.

 

(EDIT: And Kage pretty well hit on the other part of this post that I was trying to address.)

 

Since I've not posted here, umm. I think I'd be called Homoromantic? Not totally sure but it sounds right. ;w;

 

Not sure because you're not really sure what the label means or because you're just not sure if that actually fits what you feel? o3o

Edited November 28, 2012 by SockPuppet Strangler

[KageSora]

I think we should get rid of labels and encourage people to just be who they are instead of conforming to these groups.

 

When I talk to people, I don't really think "oh, this person is gay. I'd better act in this way", to me, people are just people. It doesn't matter what sexuality they are. They can be Globalsexual and just want to love everything if they want, so it irritates me when people are like "I can't really see [insert name here] the same way because they're [insert stereotypical label here]." The first issue with this, is if that's the attitude you're going to take to people who were once your friends because you're worried they're going to start trying it on with you, then they're probably not going to like you anyway. Secondly, if they're your true friend, you should be able to see past who they want to make love to because what they do in their bedroom with their bodies is their own personal choice and shouldn't bother you at all.

 

I don't really know, I guess I could be labelled as a bisexual, I've kissed both males and females and take sexual interest in both, but I could also be labelled as a Demisexual since I only have feelings for my partner who some of you may know as Neji-Ran on the forums. But that is why I don't like labels, because people tend to find themselves drifting between them and often encourages people to question themselves and who they are. To an extent, this is healthy as it helps self-development, but not to the point when they're becoming obsessed with it and maybe developing depression. I was at that point until I realized that the idea of trying to pin someone's sexuality down with a word is pretty much damn near impossible - in my opinion, at least.

 

But I think it's interesting to see what people label themselves as and the views they take here. I'm probably one of the most tolerant people around in terms of sexuality. I don't care what you are, if you're my friend, then that's all there really is to it for me. And even if you're not my friend, I don't mind who you are, I won't discriminate. And that's probably what makes me so intolerant of homophobia and people that just won't accept others for who they are. (Does that even make sense? Probably not. It's 4:20AM.)

 

That's just my two cents. You don't have to agree with it, you don't have to like it. It's how I feel and I think the world would be a much better place if we could just accept everyone for who they actually are, and not just the labels they are branded with.

 

*Prepares to be bricked.*

I have to strongly disagree here. I like my label. Labels, when use appropriately, are quick and easy ways of keeping basic information about a subject handy. I use sexual orientation labels to know quick, basic information about people. I don't use it to judge them as a person, simply a way to know some quick stuff about them--like who they do and don't want in bed.

 

That's how I think labels should be handled--people like me who want them can use them happily to give you a quick basic bit of info about us, and then you can be a decent person and ask us about deeper information.

 

Like, if I tell somebody I'm asexual (assuming they understand the concept), then it's a quick bit of information that will let them know not to bother trying to find me somebody to hook up with. Ideally, they won't judge me based on it, and will ask me for more information about me as a person if they need/want it.

 

You tell me you're gay, I'm not going to try and point out the cute girl across the room--I'll point out the cute guy instead. (Assuming, that is, that we have the level of friendship where such is appropriate behavior, it's an appropriate setting, and that you're looking for somebody, of course). Goes the opposite way for lesbians, I'd point out whoever for those attracted to more than one sex/gender.

 

 

 

I don't think we should be bound by labels, and have to have them, though. People like you should be free to not bother with a label. But I don't think we should abolish them, either, because some of us really like our labels and feel uncomfortable without a label.

 

The problem isn't with labels. The problem is with people who assume that the label is ALL the person is. People can have more than one label attached to them. Even multiple labels that have conflicting stereotypes. The problem is also with people thinking that labels are absolute and permanent. But that ties in with the people thinking sexuality and gender orientation and gender expression are divided into absolutes. People drift between labels because sexuality, gender identity, and gender expression exist on a scale and can be fluid. Yes, many people are set in their orientation/gender/how they express it. But there are people who drift, and who change over the years, and who learn new things about themselves.

 

 

I think it would be better to have everybody realize that labels can change, and they could be removed from the stereotypes that people attach to them. Or at least partially removed from those stereotypes, since I doubt we'd ever completely get rid of them--especially not with people who live up to them. (If you're just naturally the kind of person that fits a stereotype, that's cool. However, I don't think you should try to force yourself to act out a stereotype that's against your nature.)

[Shienvien]

Have to agree with KageSora here.

 

For me - I am a very strictly heterosexual person - saying "I am heterosexual" means just that - "I cannot be attracted to another female, but I can feel attraction towards males." Does it harm anyone? No. Does it help people with how to approach me? Well, it might spare them from some awkwardness if people are well aware from the start that I, for instance, will never want to be physically close to another female and so forth.

Edited November 28, 2012 by Shienvien

[Alpha Gryph]

I don't think we should be bound by labels, and have to have them, though. People like you should be free to not bother with a label. But I don't think we should abolish them, either, because some of us really like our labels and feel uncomfortable without a label.

Yes, yes. Myself, I need to have labels when it comes to sexual orientation. Especially for my own orientation, so I can say I'm 100% lesbian and no males bother trying to get romantically involved with me (for I simply cannot feel the same way about them).

 

But I also need prospective partners to have a label for their sexual orientation. Which...is probably silly, I assume most others would think it silly. But I have such a terrible need for security and I just don't feel secure with a person when they're unsure of their sexuality. ;/

[Shadlok]

My point wasn't that I dislike people giving labels to themself, my point was that I dislike people giving others labels.

[armadillosushi]

I totally agree ^^ as a lesbian, I really just dont care whether someone's gay, trans, ace whatever. I have lots of girl friends that are straight, they're fine with it. And 10% of human population is homosexual- not counting aces, trans, bi, etc.

[Biohazard626]

Asexual to grey-sexual