polygamy

[Walker]

So, polygamy. The practice of marrying multiple people. What's your take on polygamy?

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polygamy

 

I, personally, am for it. I'm not going to dictate to a person who they can't and can marry nor how many people they can. Love is love and if you love more than one person so be it.

Edited September 19, 2010 by Dashidragon

[Obscure_Trash]

http://forums.dragcave.net/index.php?showtopic=126657

 

~This topic has been cleaned~

 

Please note this topic is for discussing relationships and effects and such, not polygamous sex.

[Ruins]

I believe that people should be able to marry as many or as few people as they want, if they're all consenting adults and are happy with the arrangement; it's not harming anyone, so why stop it? On the other hand, I believe it's illegal in England, but I might be wrong.

 

Hopefully THIS post is worthy to stay.

[HeatherMarie]

I could never be in a poly relationship, but that's because I know myself too well and I know how needy I can get when it comes to relationships. I could never be fully happy sharing someone.

 

However, I actually have a lot of friends who are in poly relationships of one sort or another, so I know that it's *possible* for people to be genuinely happy with it. It just depends on the people's specific needs, how they relate to each other, etc. But it can be done, in a way that doesn't make anyone feel bad or feel left out... So why on earth not? If that's what makes them happy, why not?

[Bunnyo22]

personaly, I could never do this. I guess I find it a bit wrong, to dedicate you're heart to two people. What if they start to love the other person more? Giving a fair amount of love to each person, and just the whole idea of sharing a heart, I feel it's almost like knowing, watching, and being okay with cheating. :\

 

Now, if someone WAS in a poly relationship, I wouldn't hold it agenst them the slightest bit. If they are okay with it, then that's great for them. It's not my business who they are in a relationship with. Really just how I see it, and if they don't see it that way, then let them live there own lives. it's not going to hurt me in any way. So, whats the big deal if they are. Just not my life style, is all.

[greylight]

So, before I start talking again, full disclosure. I'm greylight, obviously, and have a group marriage with my two wives, Nin and Aisha. So, I'm not just talking in generalities, usually I'm drawing on my life experiences, as such, even the stuff I say should not be assumed to apply to all poly relationships. I'm also a demisexual, and completely non-religious. Nin is a my age and Aisha is a almost a year younger. A lot of people view polys as crazy religious people (and TV doesn't help).

So, fighting the stereotype of sex-crazed old men marrying young girls or religious fanatics with compounds. We live in one house, have a total of one child (so far, limiting future us to four pregnancies max), all three of us work, though Nin does most of her work from home.

 

I guess I find it a bit wrong, to dedicate you're heart to two people.

 

A lot of people feel this way. It's not surprising, and no one I know would try to convert anyone else to a poly lifestyle. However, most poly people I know find this statement odd.

 

For me personally, I can't imagine life without either of my wives, it would be like an arm or leg missing.

 

What if they start to love the other person more?

 

A lot of people make this argument, as if love is quantifiable. I don't love my mother more than my father, nor would I love one child more than the other, if I were to have a second. I don't favour my right lung over my left, so why would I, or how could I, favour one wife over the other, when they're both integral to my life and happiness.

 

Now again, this could happen in a family based in polygyny or polyandry, but polygamy takes multiple forms, and poly families will vary as much as the people in them. For me personally, this couldn't happen.

 

Giving a fair amount of love to each person, and just the whole idea of sharing a heart, I feel it's almost like knowing, watching, and being okay with cheating. :\

 

So how do families, in your opinion, share their hearts among children, or give a "fair" amount of love. If a parent can love multiple children unconditionally, why not multiple spouses?

 

The cheating bit doesn't apply to group marriage, so I can't really answer that. Cheating suggests going outside of the marriage for ones sexual or emotional needs, does it not? I suppose I can see where that view comes in when looking at relationships on things like "Sister Wives" and "Big Love" where one partner has multiple spouses, and I can see the inequality in that and how it comes across as cheating. Is that what you mean?

 

Now, if someone WAS in a poly relationship, I wouldn't hold it agenst them the slightest bit. If they are okay with it, then that's great for them. It's not my business who they are in a relationship with. Really just how I see it, and if they don't see it that way, then let them live there own lives. it's not going to hurt me in any way. So, whats the big deal if they are. Just not my life style, is all.

 

This is a good view to have, and I applaud you for it. I replied merely to try and explain how I see it, so maybe you could understand the views (or my views) on it a little more.

[Kestra15]

So long as everyone is open and aware, polygamy is fine.

[Wolfsong442]

Personally, I would never even consider being in a plural marriage. I would feel terrible. I would wonder what was wrong with my that the person I love more than anything in this world didn't feel like I was enough for them. I would be jealous of the other woman, and start to hate her. If someone sprang plural marriage on me, I would consider it cheating, but that's just me.

 

In a relationship with all consenting adults, then people should be allowed to do what they want. It's their life and whether they consider the plural marriages cheating or not, that's up to them. I really don't think it should be outlawed, because along with outlawing gay marriage, it's constricting whatever little freedom we happen to have.

 

I just don't think people should try and coerce their children into engaging in polygamy. It's impossible to shield children from it if it's in the home, but I wish people wouldn't encourage young children to engage in it and just wait until the kids are old enough to decide if it's what they want for themselves.

[Ruins]

I just don't think people should try and coerce their children into engaging in polygamy. It's impossible to shield children from it if it's in the home, but I wish people wouldn't encourage young children to engage in it and just wait until the kids are old enough to decide if it's what they want for themselves.

And why would they need to be shielded from polygamy if you think it's a perfectly fine thing for other people to do? "Shielding" infers that is something they need to be protected from, like abuse or seeing a streaker or something. It quite literally making me envision an adult throwing themselves between the helpless child and some undefinable but horrible thing.

 

I don't mean to sound rude; I just want some clarifaction.

Edited November 13, 2011 by Ruins

[Wolfsong442]

I never said they should be shielded.

 

I just said it's impossible to if their parents wanted them to be. Perhaps that was the wrong wording.

 

And I never said it was some horrible thing, either.

Edited November 13, 2011 by Wolfsong442

[Ruins]

I never said you did, I just said it could sound as if you did.

[Wolfsong442]

Oh. Well I apologize. It was the wrong word to use.

[Xyzaq]

I see nothing wrong with polygamy, personally. If you want to love more than one person - fine, so be it.

 

But I don't think I can ever see myself in a polygamist relationship. For one, I'd be a lot like Wolfsong, and probably get jealous. And then I'd start to feel terrible. Why wasn't I good enough for him? Am I missing something that she has?

 

I think that all parties should be able to have a say before getting into a polygamist relationship. If two want one, but another one might not, it's not quite fair to force her(or him) into a relationship, right?

 

Bottom line is I'd probably never be in one myself, but I have nothing against people in them.

[BlueSkyy]

I see nothing wrong with polygamy, personally. If you want to love more than one person - fine, so be it.

 

But I don't think I can ever see myself in a polygamist relationship. For one, I'd be a lot like Wolfsong, and probably get jealous. And then I'd start to feel terrible. Why wasn't I good enough for him? Am I missing something that she has?

 

I think that all parties should be able to have a say before getting into a polygamist relationship. If two want one, but another one might not, it's not quite fair to force her(or him) into a relationship, right?

 

Bottom line is I'd probably never be in one myself, but I have nothing against people in them.

This. Also, I'm too selfish, honestly. If I'm dedicating my life and love entirely to you, I expect the same back. That's just how I view commitment, trust, etc. I'm glad others can be more open than myself though, if that's what makes them happy I'm glad they can achieve it!

[Kazeko]

Everyone seems to be considering a polygamous relationship from the point of having a polygamous partner.

 

In a polygamous relationship as I've always understood it, all partners are involved and equally in love, so any relationship in which one participant has more than one partner is by default a relationship in which all participants have more than one partner. If Person A is involved with Person B and Person C, Persons B and C are also romantically involved with each other as well as with Person A.

 

So what I'm saying is, (to a generic forumwide "you"), does your view of polygamy change when, rather than having to "share" someone, you consider yourself having multiple partners?

[greylight]

Personally, I would never even consider being in a plural marriage. I would feel terrible. I would wonder what was wrong with my that the person I love more than anything in this world didn't feel like I was enough for them. I would be jealous of the other woman, and start to hate her. If someone sprang plural marriage on me, I would consider it cheating, but that's just me.

 

What if you were in love with the person as well?

 

 

Everyone seems to be considering a polygamous relationship from the point of having a polygamous partner.

 

 

Which is a normal reaction, considering that's the stereotype. I hate that stereotype. I've gotten called a misogynist for having two wives. Everyone seems to think I'm this big guy who is somehow a complete jerk, but managed to "deceive" two women into marrying me. When we were at a breast cancer walk, I literally got a rock thrown at me.

 

So what I'm saying is, (to a generic forumwide "you"), does your view of polygamy change when, rather than having to "share" someone, you consider yourself having multiple partners?

 

That's group marriage, and it is most common in "normal" poly households. (IE: Away from religious polygamists and such.)

 

Like for me, I have two wives, but Nin and Aisha both have a wife and a husband. The only way cheating could occur is if one of the girls went outside the marriage. (or me, but again, demisexual.)

[Valera]

I'm a very monogamous person. I'm only going to share myself with one person at a time and I don't believe in having multiple partners at the same time. I also don't believe in cheating, but that's neither here nor three.

 

In exchange, I expect the same from any person that I am in a relationship with. No if, ands or buts about it.

 

Now if OTHER people want to to be polygamous, that's fine as long it isn't one guy having a bunch of wives, lesser wives and concubines. It just kinda makes me think of the whole women=property sort of thing.

[JaziandCo]

So long as everyone is open and aware, polygamy is fine.

^Not sure if my last post was seen by anyone before the wipe, so here goes. This is mostly how I feel about poly relationships for others. So long as everyone involved is consenting and knows how to talk to each other, I think it should be fine.

 

However, I wouldn't be able to do it myself. I'm only able to devote myself to one person. Not because of religious or social reasons due to the way I was raised, but because I just can't have more than one person on the top of the love bracket. I'm always going to love one significant other more than another, and why would I hurt one of them because I just can't summon the exact same feelings for both?

 

And then I'd be all jealous and needy and be afraid the one I love most loves the other one more and everything would be bad from there. Sure you could say that can be nipped in the bud with good communication, but like I said I personally know I wouldn't be able to feel the same way about more than one person, and I wouldn't want to hurt someone by having an obvious preference.

 

A lot of people make this argument, as if love is quantifiable. I don't love my mother more than my father, nor would I love one child more than the other, if I were to have a second. I don't favour my right lung over my left, so why would I, or how could I, favour one wife over the other, when they're both integral to my life and happiness.

and

So how do families, in your opinion, share their hearts among children, or give a "fair" amount of love. If a parent can love multiple children unconditionally, why not multiple spouses?

I feel like this example might not be the best. As a parent, you really shouldn't have the same feelings toward your children as your spouse(s). Likewise, as a child, you shouldn't have the same feelings toward your parents as a potential life partner. It's still love, but a different kind of love.

 

And personally, I don't have as good of a relationship with my dad than my mom, and I don't have the same relationship with one of my sisters than the other ;P For some reason, I get along better with my mom, and thus I have stronger emotional ties with her than my dad. Same as my sisters; with one we've never told each other we love each other (mostly because we don't, or at least I don't love her and she has never said anything but "I hate you" to me), and the other has a large piece of my heart. Perhaps this is why I can only hold one person at the top of the "I love ___" scale, but it definitely happens.

[greylight]

feel like this example might not be the best. As a parent, you really shouldn't have the same feelings toward your children as your spouse(s). Likewise, as a child, you shouldn't have the same feelings toward your parents as a potential life partner. It's still love, but a different kind of love.

 

True, but it is still love, which was my point. That love isn't something that you always have limited quantities of. Some people may be unable to love their children, in a completely parental way, or only one, while others can have six kids and love them all the same. My point was about numbers as opposed to type of love.

 

Perhaps a better example would be a widow or widower, who remarries -- generally they don't love one spouse more than another. I suppose one could add divorcees, but I'm unsure about that. I always hesitate to use that though, because I think a lot of people know widows and widowers who claim that their first wife was the love of their life, or that they love the second more than the first, which hurts my point rather than helps it.

[JaziandCo]

You also have time with the widow/widower, which would probably always hurt your point simply because if the widow spent the last 40 years with her late husband and just remarried, that's 40 years of either a deep loving relationship or a strained, barely-there relationship. But I understand what you're getting at x3 I've had older women and men who lost their other half and recently remarried answer the question of "what if all three of you are married in heaven" with "I think, in that case, we would be able to understand and share". Which is more or less the point, yes?

 

Like I said, I'm totally fine with that for others, and kudos to you if you're able to have a working poly relationship. I just know I wouldn't be able to do it. =X

[ksew]

I am not against. if it is people's choice and they are all happy with it - why not?

[Sadako]

I'm personally way too jealous and selfish to be in an actual poly relationship myself.

 

Though I'm bi, I think a poly relationship would be particularly impossible for me if the others were a man and a woman. I'm not particularly feminine and so I can't help but think that the other girl would make me look bad by doing dishes and wearing skirts and being all properly submissive. My life would become an awkward sad beauty pageant because I couldn't help myself but to try and compete with her which would mean dedicating myself to being not-myself, and I would most definitely come to hate her in a matter of hours. The only outcome I can foresee to that is the other parties deciding they'd rather get on with being a couple without me in the way being awkward and mannish. Lesbians don't particularly like me either because there is a prejudice amongst them against bi girls, and I would feel obligated to pretend not to drool over hot guys to keep the peace in a relationship with two other women... The only kind of 'household of three' I could handle would be myself with two men, and clearly they wouldn't want anything to do with me, lol!

 

I know myself well enough to know it would never in a million years work--for me. However, I am all for romantic and sexual freedom, and so if you're able to pull it off and it's what makes you happy, awesome, go for it!

 

Open monogamy, though, is a different matter entirely to me. The relationship, the love, is all focused on one another, and so it's a much more comfortable place to be for me, though it might seem counterintuitive. Casual encounters aren't a big deal to me, if everyone is being truthful and safe, but I want your whole heart if I'm with you.

[Zovesta]

I wouldn't want to be in one, but I don't see the problem with it. As long as everyone is a consenting adult that is aware of the situation, who am I to say that they can't marry or love?

 

But if someone is lying in the relationship, I won't tolerate it, much the same way I wouldn't tolerate someone cheating on me without telling me.

[Viktorya]

(I know I'm sort of bringing this thread back from a while ago but it's still a valid topic so I hope that's okay! Sorry if this is a problem though, I haven't been in forums like this for years so I don't know if that's frowned upon or not )

 

I'm all for poly relationships/marriage! I'm currently in a polyamorous triad (I have a girlfriend and boyfriend), actually, and we're all very happy with it right now. If we could get married to each other in the future that would be great too! I'm not expecting much to happen for polyamory (as far as marriage) soon though--we still don't even have gay marriage sorted out yet

I don't think that polyamory is for everyone, but it's definitely something that happens and as long as everyone is truthful to each other (as in any other relationship, either mono or poly!) there is nothing wrong with it. Neither is more "correct" unless someone is forcing themselves (or anyone else) to be in a situation that they don't feel comfortable in.

[Chicogal]

I'd get too jealous. Not for me, but I'm alright with other people having multiple spouses.