polygamy

[PointOfOrigin]

Personally, I've never seen myself in relationship with more then one person. Objectively? It isn't my concern. As long as that relationship is consensual and benefiting to all parties, let them be.

[Vhale]

Personally, I've never seen myself in relationship with more then one person. Objectively? It isn't my concern. As long as that relationship is consensual and benefiting to all parties, let them be.

All I can think of is the potential that I'd have multiple mother-in-laws like my mom.

 

How do you decide who goes to whose house on the holidays?

 

[HeatherMarie]

All I can think of is the potential that I'd have multiple mother-in-laws like my mom.

 

How do you decide who goes to whose house on the holidays?

 

Oh goodness. Drama central! Never thought about that. lol

[bionelly]

I don't think it would work for me and my husband; for one thing, we're both decidedly straight and I'd feel uncomfortable in a "V"- or "N"-type relationship whether I was one of the ends or not, and for another, I have social anxiety to the point where sometimes I can barely handle even dealing with one husband, and I don't think adding more people to the household would help with that. That said, as long as everyone is of age and knows what they're getting into, I don't see any reason why other people shouldn't be allowed to do it.

[Symphonic-Nemesis]

While polygamy and polyamory are not my thing, I have seen couples where it works out really well for them.

 

Birthdays and anniversaries are nuts with them always a grand time! When something like that works, it really works.

[Kestra15]

All I can think of is the potential that I'd have multiple mother-in-laws like my mom.

That is the classic polygamy joke; the price of polygamy is multiple mothers-in-law.

 

My solution? You are your own family. Start your own traditions on holidays.

 

That's exactly how I feel, Kestra. The first girl that I fell in love with is still very special and dear to me, and I will always care about her and love her. But I am still completely capable of loving and giving my all to my girlfriend now. The human heart is a beautiful and unlimited thing c:

 

unless you're Iron Man

*hugs* So many feels.

 

I am Iron Man.

Edited April 24, 2013 by Kestra15

[KageSora]

I say that as long as everybody is treated with the respect they deserve, is happy, and is fully consenting to the situation, then there's really no problem HOW many people are involved in a relationship or how they're involved.

 

I don't think I, personally, could handle a poly relationship but that's just because I personally have issues with relationships (lol I'm bad at people). But I'm open to the idea if life just happened to throw me into that situation, I'd be willing to giving it a shot.

 

After all--what works great for one relationship may not work for another. They're all different.

[PointOfOrigin]

All I can think of is the potential that I'd have multiple mother-in-laws like my mom.

 

How do you decide who goes to whose house on the holidays?

 

Holidays are perfect time for a trip to Hawaii

Edited April 24, 2013 by PointOfOrigin

[SarWildDog]

Bumping this topic a bit to add my two cents as someone who is in a poly relationship, seeing as they are a bit of a minority in this topic.

 

While I had never considered polyamory/polygamy until my current boyfriend, I've since realized that it is a much more ideal situation for me than a monogamous relationship. He has a wife, who I love very much. We get along like best friends and I greatly enjoy spending time with her. While she has seniority, I don't worry about him loving me any less. It's very hard to, as he's a very loving person. Poly relationships are not for everyone, and as I have learned, neither are monogamous relationships. So long as everyone is open, aware, and able to communicate, then they can work.

[shadowgrr]

Marrying someone isn't about love but about money, because you can have a long term relationship and family without being married. So I don't think a multiple marriage would be very propriate, because there would be many law problems e.g. If a husband/wife who will take the legacy?And what about kids, which will take the most which's wife/housband? Will be priority for hiring someone if he/she have more partners, or the children will count more(like now) etc.

 

And taking it from the humorus side, It's allright for you to have multiple partners, but will you stand all these mothers-in-law complaining?(You must cook better for my son, My daughter grown with luxurity and she took you, who don't have a second underwear to put). I wouldn't.

[Moeru]

One of my best friends from college is currently in a polyamorous relationship. She lives with one boyfriend and her dog, and has another boyfriend in a nearby town with whom she sometimes spends the weekend. The two guys both know about each other and like each other a great deal. In their case, they always just talk about how they feel and speak honestly. They all seem quite happy and healthy.

 

My girlfriend is in a long-term relationship with a woman, and she (my girlfriend) has always been very open and clear that for her, it is terrifying and cruel to expect someone to be controlled, crushed, restrained by another person in mind and body just because you are in an intimate relationship with them.

 

In American media and society anyway, they tell you "if you are in a relationship with someone, you never THINK about anybody else, you never fantasize about anybody else, you cannot touch or look at anybody else, you are mentally and physically owned by the person who is giving you sex and you cannot have control of yourself until they release you". That is poisonous and just awful.

 

I get to see my girlfriend about once a week, on my day off, and I give her all the love in my heart. I'm not jealous about anybody else she spends her time, energy or kisses on. When she's with me, she is 100% with me. If there is an emergency at home, it's not my place to stand in her way.

 

The word "soulmate" seems like a really dangerous title because it means that other person is pretty much obligated to stay with you forever, because of "fate". So if the relationship fails, you are both now convinced that you are broken and useless people because your ONE CHANCE has broken. It's so stupid! There are compatible people everywhere. It has everything to do with your upbringing, your psychological state and pheromones. There is no "ONE PERSON" that you MUST find and mate with or you're a failure. What a crippling idea....

 

I was happy before I met my girlfriend, and I could be happy if she left my life for some reason. But she augments and transports my happiness to a whole new level.

[TikindiDragon]

Uh, wow... I'm glad you've found happiness, Moeru, but that did manage to read as actually quite insulting to those of us in monogamous relationships.

 

There is nothing wrong with monogamy, just as there is nothing wrong with polygamy. It is only the behaviour of individuals, and not the concept itself, that would make either bad.

 

So, yeah. Anti-monogamy rant really not appreciated.

[Shienvien]

I don't think it is an anti-monogamy rant. I got the impression that it is anti-anti-polygamy rant (a rant against those people who claim that monogamy is the only way).

[KageSora]

Nah, I'm getting the "anti-monogomy" vibe, too.

 

It might just be the wording.

 

But I'm especially not liking the hatin' on the idea of soulmats. :/

 

People can be truly happy in a poly relationship. But it will NOT work for everybody. There is NOTHING wrong with a monogamous relationship as long as both partners are willingly involved and not staying together out of some stupid sense of obligation (that's just not healthy).

 

Different types of relationships work better for different types of people, and that's okay.

[Shienvien]

But I'm especially not liking the hatin' on the idea of soulmates.  :/

I think that what is being opposed is mainly the thought of only having "one chance" - and that doesn't even have anything to do with poly/monogamy. It is the thought that a person should not move on if one relationship does not end up working out.

 

 

(I agree that the wording is overly aggressive, though - but nevertheless I don't think that it is anti-monogamy.)

Edited June 9, 2013 by Shienvien

[HeatherMarie]

In American media and society anyway, they tell you "if you are in a relationship with someone, you never THINK about anybody else, you never fantasize about anybody else, you cannot touch or look at anybody else, you are mentally and physically owned by the person who is giving you sex and you cannot have control of yourself until they release you". That is poisonous and just awful.

*just has to laugh*

 

Where on earth did you get THAT impression? In all my 26 years I've NEVER seen that kind of thinking in modern-day America. Sure, SOME individuals probably feel that way, and I'm sure you could easily find a cult that teaches/practices that way, but "American media and society"? Uh, no. I think you have that really, really wrong there.

 

What do I see in American media recently? Let's see.... Women kicking a**, women with powerful careers who are also married, women who are married and have groups of friends they talk to and hang out with regularly..... Nope, not seeing any of the stuff you mentioned.

 

America has a HISTORY of people thinking/acting that way, sure. But nowadays? That would be a very very very small minority.

 

And I just have to say, being monogamous is *not* a bad thing!! I stick up for polygamy because I have so many friends in those types of relationships, but I'll always been a monogamous-at-heart person. Some of us simply *want* to be the only one someone else loves, some of us are a bit insecure and would end up getting jealous in a poly relationship no matter what the circumstances, and some of us.... Well, some of us honestly just fall in love with one person. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.

Edited June 9, 2013 by Marie19R

[KageSora]

I think that what is being opposed is mainly the thought of only having "one chance" - and that doesn't even have anything to do with poly/monogamy. It is the thought that a person should not move on if one relationship does not end up working out.

 

 

(I agree that the wording is overly aggressive, though - but nevertheless I don't think that it is anti-monogamy.)

The thing about a "soulmate" is that the definition isn't always the same for everybody.

 

Some people think you can never be truly happy with anybody but your soulmate.

 

Personally, I feel like if the relationship didn't work out, then you may have loved each other very deeply but you weren't soulmates. And that you don't need to be with your soulmate to be truly happy--just that a soulmate would make an otherwise wonderful relationship even better. Being with your soulmate is just the icing on the cake of a great relationship, IMO, not required to have a wonderful relationship.

 

And I've never actually talked to a person who think that a soulmate is your ONLY chance at happiness and that if it doesn't work out, you'll never be able to/should never move on.

 

 

Also, agreeing with Marie. There's a lot of crap in American media--especially about women and a lot of anti-women stuff. But generally I don't see anything anywhere NEAR as extreme as what Moeru is saying. And the circles I run in would get very vocal if that's all that American media showed. And they do get very vocal when American media strays too deeply into such territory. But t's hardy the ONLY thing ever shown by American media.

 

Society is another beast, but again, I don't see it quite that badly--at the very least, certainly not for men. For women, yeah, I can see that--coming from the older crowd who are old-fashioned and not willing to change with the world. But a lot of the younger generations DON'T think that way. Sure, some do, but society is breaking away from that kind of mindset. So it's hardly right to just label ALL of American society and media with the exact same problems that younger generations are trying to break away from. :/

[Marrionetta]

I'm pro whatever makes consenting adults happy while being safe. Y'all want a big butt group home with several women working and one raising a butt load of kids for one dude? Sure. Go for it. Economically advantageous, even. Y'all want to be in a marriage of two couples to each other that live together and love each other? Fine. Knock yourselves out.

 

It ain't my nosy self's business what people who love each other do behind the walls of their own homes, so long as no one is hurt and everyone is for it and of the right place of mind to make that kind of call. Great. Go forth and looooooove.

[Marrionetta]

And that's your opinion. Perhaps it would be best if you had said "I don't think I could split my love..." and carried on from there, rather than saying no-one can love more than one person at a time. I have a lot of love for my ex and I think I always will; she was a wonderful person and a brilliant part of my life, she just wasn't the right one for me. And even if I can never talk to her again I still will always love and cherish her. That doesn't mean the next woman in my life will have to compete with her or feel any less loved; I will love them for being them, in their own way.

While different than polygamy or polyandry or polyamory, what you describe is super relatable and kind of serves as a proof of concept for the validity of poly* lifestyles.

 

I love my boyfriend dearly. I will always also remember a love from my past concurrently. I don't love my boyfriend any less for it, though. Siiiiigh this thread has filled me with teary feels.

[Shienvien]

And I've never actually talked to a person who think that a soulmate is your ONLY chance at happiness and that if it doesn't work out, you'll never be able to/should never move on.

I've had people say to me that since the man I loved got killed in a car accident, I should remain single for life. Granted, it was on the internet and no one I had kept or continued to keep in touch, but nevertheless, proves that there are people like that.

[PointOfOrigin]

I've had people say to me that since the man I loved got killed in a car accident, I should remain single for life. Granted, it was on the internet and no one I had kept or continued to keep in touch, but nevertheless, proves that there are people like that.

If I might add, opinions like that are very often found YA literature or romance novels in general. It's sickening.

[TikindiDragon]

That's because it's a very romanticised idea of "one true love". Which, lets face it, is no more realistic than your average rom-com. It's all fairy-stories, with little resemblance to Real Life.

 

Although part of the problem with soaring divorce rates does seem to be that people expect love & marriage to be like a fairy-story, and when that first flush of romantic love is over they flinch from the idea that long-term relationships take work. (note - this is not addressed at anyone here specifically. More a general obs on society). One of these days we'll see a movie where it isn't all smiles and roses and there's some indication that a good relationship doesn't just fall in your lap.

[Syaoransbear]

My girlfriend is in a long-term relationship with a woman, and she (my girlfriend) has always been very open and clear that for her, it is terrifying and cruel to expect someone to be controlled, crushed, restrained by another person in mind and body just because you are in an intimate relationship with them.

If that's happening, it's not a functional monogamous relationship and your girlfriend has a incorrect view of what a monogamous relationship is. Both parties just have no desire to have romantic relationships with other people. That's it. There is no controlling. You can't control anyone but yourself. If one person really wanted to be with another person there is nothing stopping them from leaving their current relationship if their current partner didn't want to enter a poly relationship. It's their own fault if they choose to be unhappy by staying in a monogamous relationship that doesn't suit their needs, just like there are plenty of unhappy people who stay in dysfunctional and unhappy poly relationships.

 

I don't abstain from sex or romantic relationships with other men because my husband says I can't, I don't do those things because I really don't want to. I'm not being restrained by anything.

 

I don't really believe in soulmates or 'one true love', but I think I'm such an incompatible person that only 1 person out of 7 billion people getting along with me is probably pretty accurate .

[KageSora]

I've had people say to me that since the man I loved got killed in a car accident, I should remain single for life. Granted, it was on the internet and no one I had kept or continued to keep in touch, but nevertheless, proves that there are people like that.

Ah, sorry, wasn't clear--I more meant that I think they're not terribly common, not that they don't exist. People I've talked to are of the idea that if it doesn't last for some reason (be it breaking up or death or something), then moving on is acceptable. It's also acceptable if you choose to remain single for the rest of your life after that. Both are okay, neither is better than the other.

 

That's the idea that people I talk to generally would support.

 

Then again, I generally talk to people with common sense and who are decent humans who aren't all about forcing people to remain miserable for some ideal that they don't want to try to reach for.

[Pippyspot]

If all participants are happy with it, then they should be free to do as they please. However, it wouldn't personally be for me, I'd feel weird 'sharing' my partner with other women, and I wouldn't like to share my love with anyone else.