"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.
I don't like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?" When they call me boss, I go, "I got some bad news... I'm gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I'll give you severance, and give me the rest."
I think batteries are the most dramatic object of all the objects because other things they stop working or they break. But batteries... they die.
I think it's interesting that "cologne" rhymes with "alone."
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says "go outside."
All from Demetri Martin.