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Everything posted by Cavedragon49990

  1. I said to them all once, "Call me Alex" and my dad's response? "No! Pick a different name! We'll mess you up with the cat!" and my mom and sister laughed. -.- And I have spoken with them about the fact that I'm not a girl, and they said to me that they didn't care what I was as long as I was happy, but they really aren't being truthful with that. They didn't accept my "coming out" as "lesbian" when I wasn't so torn about my gender, they make "boyfriend" jokes at me (obviously, now if it turns out I am a guy, I'm straight) and they clearly aren't accepting of this. My dad even said to my sister when I was trying to tell them my name preference, "[my name] is a girl who feels she identifies with both genders once in a while." That's not even close to the case. Once in a while I feel somewhat comfortable with being female, but the majority of the time, I'm not. I received a diagnosis of depression, anxiety and anger issues sometime in late 2013, December-ish. But my parents have refused me medication from the start from when they actually started acknowledging that I have problems, don't really believe I'm mentally ill, and honestly, from my own experience I'm suspecting there's something else going on in the back of my head that those people totally missed out on. I don't really want to go into details because it's extremely terrifying to me, but another friend of mine who had suffered from depression said to me that what he had witnessed in a breakdown of mine was "FAR beyond depression". Thank you for the support - it means a lot! I had an experience with a psychiatrist like the type you mentioned. I went in, answered the questions, and when she spoke to my parents and said she wanted me to go on medication, my parents refused like they always have. When they said that, she said at that point she couldn't help us if they wouldn't accept medications for me. So I guess there are a lot more of those types out there than I thought. I just think they don't want to believe they may have a transgender child, because honestly I'm suspecting that my gender issues are not something that is just going to "go away". I did have a period in my life when I was much younger, where I was really "girly", but I never conformed to the types of music the other girls listened to, I never really gave a crap about fashion, didn't understand the whole mess about celebrities, and just never truly was the type of "girl" you would see in that grade range. I guess my parents don't want to see past their "little girl" anymore, even though it's very very clear that I'm not happy like this. I'm trying to get people to call me Alex - but it's so infuriating because my teachers won't either, they all refer to me by my actual name DESPITE THE FACT THAT I REQUESTED THEM NOT TO, and since the majority of people I talk to I've known since 8th grade, they all refer to me by the name I passed under as 8th grade (my actual name, which is really feminine). I'm trying to get it to change but it's super irritating. The issue with my sister is, she's been "floundering" for years now, and still hasn't changed a bit. I actually doubt she's going to be going to college, but I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. The intentional triggers are really bad for me because they've lead to self-injury (not something I can discuss in this thread) and I'm really tired of just hearing bratty yelling so often. She's older than me, but I pretty much have to work to be an "only sibling" of a sort, and then she wonders why I never do anything with her, which drives me insane. Honestly, I get the feeling that the majority of the counselors at school don't really give a , but I'll give it a try. It's starting to get unbearable, and when I was stuck with a bunch of crap last year in 8th grade I wound up hospitalized and barely managed to pass the first two trimesters. I really don't want a repeat of that. As for this friend, I just really am terrified of losing her or another friend of mine. They helped to pull me out of a really bad spot in my life and I don't want to be a dead weight on them, but I get the feeling me doing that is backfiring. She's said she doesn't abandon friends, but I've had people say they don't do that and then turn on me, so I'm just really stuck, and I really don't want to lose her. But thank you for the advice, I'm going to back off a bit.
  2. i'm so sorry about this but i need to get this out because i'm sick of keeping everything inside at this point i've been struggling with gender issues for a while now and that's already putting so much stress on me, but it's even more irritating that my parents and sister refuse to accept it. i want to be called alex, for s sake, not by my real name. i'm not a girl. i know that. and i don't know if i'm between genders or full-out ftm but they keep misgendering me and wont call me alex ("we'd mess you up with the cat!" ) and it's so. angering. i'm not a girl and they won't accept this. they said to me that they would accept me no matter what, but why the HELL am i supposed to believe this when they refuse to gender me properly and won't call me what i want? i just started high school. i'm not in any position to have to be deciding my gender with the added stress of that. i'm not even 14. i'm 13. i'm a kid still. everyone's pressuring with college and grades and i can't even give a about it with my gender issues and the drama in my family. i'm trapped having to give my sister's attendance in math class, because she's such a brat she won't even show up. she's 17. she's in her last year and only has to go for half a year, but she keeps throwing hissy fits over everything. so many tantrums have happened. i'm so sick of the yelling, it's so triggering, but she doesn't even care, it's all about her her her! and i'm not forgiving my parents for this, because they should be doing something to make her stop but my mom just keeps feeding it! then there's all the added crap with my friend... i had an argument with her maybe 15 minutes ago? i'm not going into details but i'm so sick of this, it feels like everything is starting to get really hostile between us and i swear she's holding stuff back and won't tell me what it is, and that really makes me angry. she's my friend, she and i started talking because she cared about me, but i'm so tired of asking her if something's the matter or just asking a question she doesn't want to answer, and then and not getting a believable answer. i don't want to lose her, i care about her so much, but i just get so angry about this. and i know it's not like i'm not at fault here, but i'm so tired of getting answers that i feel are lies and her resistance to talking to me! everything is so ridiculous, i'm so ****ing done. i'm losing energy for anything, and i can't even be bothered to do anything except sleep. i'm so ****ing done, i'm just so done. i dont want to go to school anymore, i want to just stay home and sleep all day and not care about anything bad. okay. sorry about that rant. i'm done now. feel free to ignore me.
  3. I have not known much about PETA until now, but there was the occasional person on Tumblr who would support them/veganism and would be awful about it, trying to use guilt trips and such. And since I absolutely hate guilt trips, I disliked these sorts of people. But now that I've found this topic... To say I have "no liking" for PETA would be an understatement, honestly. If you don't want an animal running wild to live with humans, wouldn't it just be simpler to just leave the animal be? I understand if it was actually sick and/or a danger to the people, but even then, putting the animal down should be a last resort. These are things with a life too. And if you can't let it stay on the streets, send it to a shelter with a low euthanization rate or something, where they actually try to rehome the animals, not murder them. And I don't see how having a pet has anything to do with veganism. I mean, if you own a pet, you're obviously not going to eat it, unless you're trapped in a situation where you have literally no other choice but to eat your pet (and I doubt some people, like me, would be able to do it even if they were very desperate for food). You're not going to murder your pet for food, or for anything really. And how do you even tie animals making food sources as something bad? We need milk, for example. But PETA seems to want to defy us of what we need. I mean, PETA has differing opinions than I do, obviously. And normally I would respect a fact like that. But when those opinions start taking the lives of innocent animals that have no reason to be put down, and infringing upon our lifestyles (I mean, I would most likely get very sick if I went vegan, especially suddenly), then that's where I draw the line. Nobody will control other beings, especially in a manipulating way that Sock pointed out. That is not okay. Ever. And they shouldn't be shoving that crap down children's throats. That's my opinion.
  4. I support this, as you all can probably see why. "Cavedragon49990" was the idea of a brilliant 9 year old... I would love to change my username now. For the concern about blacklisting as KageSora brought up: I suppose Naruhina's idea of a "We've found no [old user]. The current member [new user] had this username [x amount of time] ago" sort of feature could work for that. My only problem with that, however, is cyberstalking. I had some issues with someone who was watching my accounts awhile back, and if that sort of a change was implemented, it could have been possible that the person would have caught my username change. Perhaps for that, we could have a feature where you must be a member of the forum/DC itself, before having the current user revealed? I'm not positive something like that could be implemented, but that's my main concern with that.
  5. Even if this isn't possible, I would still support it; I'm bigender myself and it's rather annoying to have people refer to me as a girl because that used to be what my profile was set to. I'm not sure if the forums would permit more gender options, though.
  6. I had a dream the other night... There were Lara and Sam from Tomb Raider, and they would walk around on the beaches and Lara had to save Sam from a weird cave-ish thing. Then I appeared in the dream, I'm not sure where, and then the Transformers came in... Optimus Prime was dead in my dream. Well, Starscream and the rest (Megatron was missing for some reason) thought so, but it turned out that Bumblebee and Ratchet and the rest took Optimus Prime out into space, revived him and were keeping him in a spaceship so he wouldn't get killed by the Decepticons. Then the dream setting changed and I was in an "official" looking room with green carpeting, talking to an old man and holding Jerry from Tom and Jerry in my hand... Then I woke up.
  7. I lost control last night and let's just say I will have a ton of scars and my friend got caught on the receiving end of my panic and crazy mood He means good because he knows how bad my parents are when it comes to support but I didn't want him to do it and I'm scared my dad will yell at me They're talking on the phone right now and my dad has his door shut but I eavesdropped a bit and I know it was my friend who called and that they're talking about me My friend would call CPS because he has this hatred for my parents and how they don't really help me, and that I haven't had proper communication with them for a long time because of how bad things have gotten. They aren't abusive so to speak but one of my friends thinks it's neglect and I don't know if it is or not I'm just scared!!!
  8. My friend just called my father because I had a loss of control last night and really messed up I'm scared I didn't want him to do this and I don't know what's happening I need a hug because I'm in a total panic and I don't know what to do and I'm really really scared because I told him not to do this and I don't want my friend to call CPS if it gets bad enough because he said if it got to that that would happen and he would call CPS I'm scared so bad right now
  9. I bred my CB red and CB silver trying to get a red, but I got a silver anyway. At least it's a good lineage.
  10. I finally finished Health for summer school, meaning that unless for some odd reason I didn't pass (which I'm almost positive I did), I do not have to take Health in my 9th grade year.
  11. You know you've played too much Mirror's Edge when you look at anything and think of how to parkour on it. (Ex - pipes on the side of a building = something to climb to get to the roof.) You also know you've been playing too much Left 4 Dead 2 when you start getting on your guard to simply walk around a corner because you suspect there might be a Spitter or something.
  12. Restaurant food. Pancakes, bacon, eggs and potatoes.
  13. An abortion is definitely not the act of a "wuss". Neither is suicide. I'm not going into the aspect of suicide here since that's not the point of this thread, but with an abortion, you tend to have to deal with several factors to do it: -Getting through swarms of protesters outside clinics where they do abortions and have people tell you off for being a "murderer" (which is complete crap, it's not even alive yet) -Your family's beliefs, and your partner's beliefs -For those who worry a lot, the constant nagging worry that something will go wrong -In the places where abortion deadlines are cut off extremely early to basically outlaw abortions, actually finding out about the pregnancy in time and aborting it within the time -Possibility of guilt There is probably a bunch more that I'm missing but that's what I could think of. Speaking for myself later on in life, I don't want to get pregnant before I feel I am ready, and don't want more than one child. However, I'm attracted to girls, and therefore, I wouldn't be able to get pregnant before I am ready, so a pregnancy before I'm ready would occur from sex I didn't want. And I don't care who disagrees with that. If I were to get raped and got pregnant as a result, I am going to abort that child. If the woman said no or did not give her consent to sex, she does not have an obligation to carry the child to full term, especially the child of a rapist or a child she's not ready for. If you're using birth control and it fails for some reason, then an abortion is by all means okay. You were using birth control. It didn't work (maybe a condom ripped or something). If you aren't ready to raise that child, then it's perfectly okay to abort it. Maybe you don't feel old enough, or don't have the proper financial state for the child, or you just don't want children. I have a friend who doesn't want children, and if she needed an abortion for whatever reason, people should respect that. It's the woman's decision. That being said, I don't believe abortion should be used as a method of birth control. If you are having unprotected sex and get pregnant, then you were fully aware of the risks of the unprotected sex and yet you did it anyway. I still believe you should be allowed to have an abortion in those cases, but an abortion does not equal birth control, and should not be treated as such. An abortion is terminating a pregnancy. If you don't want to have a baby with your partner, use birth control, not constant abortions. To bring up an argument that I saw on Tumblr once, let's say someone in your family got into a car crash and you were the only person on Earth that could give blood to them via a blood transfusion, and this was vital for them to stay alive. But if you do not give your explicit consent for the doctors to take blood from you, they are not legally allowed to take the blood from you. Similar concept with organ donation. If you don't check the box on your driver's license, when you die, the doctors are not legally allowed to remove your organs and distribute them to other patients. If they don't have your consent, they cannot take them. But if you deny a woman an abortion, you're not letting her give her consent to terminate a pregnancy, so you are literally giving her less rights than a dead body. That's my stance on abortion. It should be allowed no matter the circumstance.
  14. Attempted to eat last night's carbonara, but it was too greasy, so I just wound up having cereal and toast.
  15. @HorseChick - Soulpeaces are awesome! Back on topic, I picked my current avatar because I haven't had time to draw one out for myself yet. I love the color blue and I love the anime style of some works, and I often sit in the pose (or one similar to it) that the girl is sitting in in my avatar. There are probably more reasons, but to end it off, I'll just say I think it looked pretty.
  16. Uhhhh... My personality? I'm literally crazy. I have moments where I completely fall into a flashback or start hearing voices and noises that I know aren't actually there. I'm depressed and pretty pessimistic to the point where I've literally driven friends away. I have terrible social anxiety and can rarely order food because of it (which is really embarrassing to freak out in front of people). I worry about a lot. I'm just dark and really cold on the outside, and I'm not afraid to let people see the scars on my wrist if they start messing with me. I want to be understood, and I strive for acceptance and just... I want to be loved, I guess. I don't really live in the most caring environment, so I absolutely crave positive attention and I'm seriously scared to be left alone for a period of weeks because god knows what crap I get into. I'm too trusting. I get hurt a lot because of it. I either trust too much or not at all. I've been trapped by Stockholm Syndrome from this, basically. If I hurt on the inside, I need to hurt on the outside too. I am basically filled with a lot of self hate and I don't know when that will heal. Probably never. I'm overly negative. If someone shoves their way into my life, I literally do whatever I can to push them back out because I'm too scared to get hurt again. And when they pass the test of resisting my attempts to get them to go away, holy heck do I get attached. If there's no resistance from me on them trying to talk to me, it's because it was my decision to talk to them. I don't like to talk to people I don't know. I'm rather secluded. I like to hole up in my room and draw, sometimes write. I talk to online friends, since it does a small amount for the social need that I have but can't really act upon. And I really like to be creative. It's literally the only outlet that does not hurt me. I can draw out depressing picture after depressing picture. I can do this for hours. My room is trashed with all the fails of my pictures. So, er, after that post that nobody wanted to read because of how long it is, the TL;DR version is that I'm pretty dark and cold, and I have plenty of flaws, but I just want acceptance. I think that's how to describe me. Someone who just wants to be accepted for who she is...
  17. *looks out the window* It looks pretty clear, I guess. I don't know, I wasn't outside much today except during the breaks at summer school
  18. I have another one. It's not so much of a game glitch as a problem with my computer, but every time I boot up Left 4 Dead 2, it tints my entire screen this weird blueish purplish color. I know how to fix it, but it's quite funny to look at the loading animation and see the silhouettes all blue and stuff
  19. I'm laying in bed typing this, and for a while (until my dad told me not to do it anymore) I actually would boost the laptop on the bed and leave it there for days at a time and spend entire days on it. Enough said? I am the type of person who will do extremely important projects last-second. For example: We had a project for school once in English class that was due on May 6. The document I made is listed as being created on May 5. And somehow I still managed to get a good grade on it. There's probably more, but I can't think of it right now. I'm lazy. I know that for sure.
  20. I feel alone... It's like, just... Alone. Why is this so hard? It's only being alone...
  21. It was pretty warm during the day, but now that it's night it's cooled down significantly. But it's been totally clear today in the sky, which is great
  22. ^Happy birthday Well, back on topic, I caught a Leetle Tree. I was not expecting that. EDIT: Forgot to add that it's slightly ironic, because my friend says I get really lucky (I give her so much stuff ) and I was hunting for CB springs and get a freakin' Leetle Tree. I mean, who expects that?
  23. Unity by Shinedown I found a note with your name And a picture of us Even though it was framed And covered in dust It’s the map in my mind that sends me on my way They say it’s never too late To stop being afraid And there is no one else here So why should I wait? And in the blink of an eye the past begins to fade So have you ever been caught in a sea of despair? And your moment of truth Is the day that you say “I’m not scared” Put your hands in the air If you hear me out there I’ve been looking for you day and night Shine a light in the dark Let me see where you are ‘Cause I’m not gonna leave you behind If I told you that you’re not alone And I show you this is where you belong Put your hands in the air One more time I’ve seen a million miles Met a million faces Took all I knew To reach all these places And I’d do it again If it brings me back to you So have you ever been caught in a sea of despair? And your moment of truth Is the day that you say “I’m not scared” Put your hands in the air If you hear me out there I’ve been looking for you day and night Shine a light in the dark Let me see where you are ‘Cause I’m not gonna leave you behind If I told you that you’re not alone And I show you this is where you belong Put your hands in the air One more time Put your hands in the air Put your hands in the air If you hear me out there I’ve been looking for you day and night Shine a light in the dark Let me see where you are ‘Cause I’m not gonna leave you behind If I told you that you’re not alone And I show you this is where you belong Put your hands in the air One more time Put your hands in the air One more time