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Everything posted by Cavedragon49990

  1. It's a Bamboo Create, and I need to get a new tablet. Apparently the Create is no longer being made.
  2. Not gonna help. The tablet itself has died. I tested with a new cord and it's still not activating.
  3. It's not a software issue, I've already checked that. I think that either the cord or the tablet got damaged in some way, considering I pretty much have to force in the plug to the tablet...
  4. Ummm, I kind of have bad news. My tablet seems to have died. I don't know what's wrong with it, I just know it's not working. I got it to work for a split second, and then it powered off and won't turn on again. I don't know whether it's the cord or the tablet itself that's damaged, but either way, digital art has to be on hold for now. I might post some sketchbook doodles, but requests have to be paused for now. I'm so sorry... I'm really not having good luck with this thing.
  5. Oh. Oh. My. God. I am so sorry, guys. I completely forgot about this thread, and was on a DC hiatus for awhile. Chico- I'm going to redo your drawing and get it up hopefully by next week at latest. I'm so sorry that this has taken so long. Also, I have a new policy on requests at the moment - as long as they aren't too detail-intensive I will do it, but if it's detail-heavy I may not have the time to do it. I'm sorry, I'm really wrapped up with summer classes, volunteering and therapy. I may not have time for something very intense. So requests are now open again. I'm so sorry for abandoning the thread. I'll get working for you, Chico!
  6. I've decided that I'm going to break up with Serena. I know she's not going to take it very well (who would?) but I feel like it's better for everyone involved. Rae might feel a little better when the affection can't be occurring, and I'm honestly not comfortable with Serena in the first place because of all the Rae problems and I think I may be akoiromantic instead of demiromantic. (Akoi is basically, you can have feelings for someone but you don't want to do anything with the person or have the feelings returned.) As for my counselor... Well, I really can't tell. I mean, when I told her I was trans she didn't make a fuss or anything, but it took quite a while for things to be updated (in terms of my name, not my gender - they can't legally change that yet) and certain classes to be dropped. She's also kept making the mistake of referring to me by the wrong pronouns. I've considered checking out PFLAG, but I'm not quite sure if I want to suggest that to my family just yet. Rae had told me during my meltdown (the one over text message) that he wanted me to be happy, and that "Serena flipping likes you! This is the opportunity of a lifetime!" He was basically urging me to go for it, that "I'll be fine as long as she's happy". Honestly, had I known he was not going to be fine, I wouldn't have gone for it in the first place, and I feel like crap knowing that his mental state is almost completely my fault. It is quite literally impossible for me to avoid them. Serena and Rae are both in robotics club, and I can't skip meets as one of the builders, especially given that I really do need stuff to do outside of school. And unless I start taking different pathways to class, which would cost me more time, I can't avoid running into them. I'm confused, but that's more of just the stress of everything in general. I think we're all just trying to get ourselves together here... I mean, this is still freshman year for the three of us, and it's drama central. We're all going to be stupid teenagers. So we're all confused and trying to get our lives together. Either way, thanks to all of you. I needed some help.
  7. I'm sorry for posting so much in here, but I really need some emotional support right now, because right now everything is a DISASTER. I know I've mentioned my friend Rae before. Well, there has been a lot of drama in the past few weeks regarding him, our friend who I'll call Serena, and I. Rae was being unusually snappy and hostile towards me for awhile, and I kind of snapped at him back, and my emotional state wasn't that great for awhile, because something told me he just wasn't being honest with me about something and I wanted to know what I was doing wrong, and he just wasn't telling! So then on the 17th, we were staying late at robotics, we meaning him, Serena and I (also other people but they aren't involved in this). I was depressed, curled up on the floor of the gym, and finally, asked Rae if I could talk to him, because things were just bad between us that day, and I wanted to know what was going on. We stepped outside, I asked him what was going on, and he still refused to tell me. In desperation, I started a conversation that went something like this: "Rae, come on, there isn't nothing wrong! You're pulling back and being weird around me, and you always seem happier to be around Serena than me!" "Alex, what do you mean by that?" "It's like you're trying to replace me with her!" "Alex... Look, can you promise not to tell her something? And if you do, I will literally murder you." "... I won't tell. Rae, do you like her?" "A bit." Long story short, I hit the concrete, couldn't get up again and started bawling like an idiot, and he had to try and comfort me, later with Serena's help, but I was pleading to be dead and screaming profanity left and right, sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe. It was a total breakdown and I said a lot of stuff that I had been wishing so much to tell Rae, and regret some of it now. It did wind up getting to Serena that Rae liked her - I told Rae to tell her (he deduced what I was talking about without needing further explanation) and we started bickering over it until Serena asked him flat-out if he had a crush on her, and he told her "... yes." But either way, I had my breakdown, and after Serena had left and I'd stopped being a howling mess, Rae helped me to get to my mom's car and I stayed home from robotics the next day, because I just couldn't handle it. On Friday that same week, Serena and I were talking, and she mentioned she had a crush on a trans guy who was demi, but that Rae was the most prominent crush she had at the moment. Since she didn't name the name of the trans guy and it sounded a lot like a description of me, I asked her to clarify, but she wouldn't until we were leaving school, when she kissed the side of my face and left quickly. I passed this news on to Rae, who I think was a little stunned, but didn't really show too much emotion (then again, this was through text). Then Rae asked if he could tell me something that might not be the best time for it, and I told him go ahead. Well, Rae turned out to have a slight crush on me before he realized I was a guy, and his brain killed off the feelings because he's straight. I was so taken aback and so pissed that things had turned out badly for me that I completely flipped. I was screaming at him, although not saying mean things about him, and he was trying to help me but I don't think he understood how serious of a meltdown that was. When I start yelling like that, I don't stop till I'm running out of steam. I did some stuff I can't talk about, and then finally pretty much collapsed, leaving Rae exhausted and myself a wreck, still trying to internalize. Fast forward to Monday, where I wondered if I had a crush on Serena because I felt a little bit giddy and excited when remembering that she liked me. So Rae and Serena have been dragging me to anime club during lunch, which is on Mondays and Wednesdays, meaning that I saw the both of them at lunch that day. I apologized to Rae for flipping out on him ("It's okay, Alex. It was justified.") and then after Rae had left and I was leaving, I kissed Serena quickly, on the cheek. I'm not totally sure what made me do that, but I remembered how Rae felt about Serena, and fled, caught him before passing period was over, and told him what I'd done. He wasn't too happy about it, especially because Serena had been reciprocating his feelings for her, but he shrugged it off a bit. I guess he thought things would be fine. Well, he was so utterly wrong. Tuesday, Serena was extremely affectionate with me. Not in front of Rae - she was actually trying to hide it from him. But after leaving school that day and talking with Rae over text, he told me that he was worried because what he'd "flagged as ways of showing certain feelings have been happening more with you and less with me". I basically told him to relax a bit, that things were probably okay. Well, Wednesday, Serena and I met briefly after class and she told me flat-out that she liked me more than she liked Rae, which left me a little shocked, but I asked her if she wanted to go out. She said she wasn't sure quite yet, but then the both of us left, I had to go home and pack up the rest of my stuff because it was the day before I was moving to another house (ironically, in Serena's neighborhood). Later Rae and I were texting, and I told him what Serena had said, which made him a bit upset, but he tried to keep himself together. Keyword: tried. He failed miserably and started crying, and I called him and did my best to talk him through it, but when I hung up the phone I felt miserable myself, because I do love Rae more than I like Serena, and it killed me to hear him in that bad a state. Even if I didn't love Rae, he's my best friend, so I still felt really terrible about it, because I felt like I had interfered in something happy for him. We stayed up past 1 AM that night talking (well, 1 for me, 3 for him), which made me feel like I was going to conk out in first hour. So that day, I caught Serena during passing period, and I told her I was worried about Rae, but she basically dismissed it and told me she wanted to date me. I couldn't tell her no, and in a panic, sent a flurry of messages to Rae asking where he was, and we caught each other by the cafeteria, where I told him what happened. And I think I basically saw him break in two. He didn't cry or anything, but his face just dropped and his eyes went so dark, and I knew it was killing him. It hurt me too, but I didn't say anything. Rae, Serena and I had agreed we were going to spend lunch together that day - Rae and I had actually planned on it being for him talking to Serena about the relationship drama, but the road bump with Serena and I becoming a couple completely botched his plan, and she was way too affectionate with me. Hugging I'm okay with, although Rae looked really unhappy, but she kept kissing me (down the neck, too, which I myself am not comfortable with, never mind Rae watching) and just being way too affectionate. After Rae left for his locker, Serena and I wound up kissing, and I was so disgusted by it. I don't know, maybe it wasn't a good kiss or something, but the entire situation was so awkward for me, especially when her friends caught us and yelled "YEAH SERENA!" No, no, no. Later Rae and I were at robotics together (thankfully for him and partially for me, Serena couldn't go) and I hugged him tightly, and he cried a bit, though not enough for anyone to see. I gave him another hug and then left to go cut some metal on the bandsaw, but then in the middle of the cutting job I got a wave of stomach pain and had to turn the bandsaw off and fall to the floor, and had trouble standing again - and after getting hit with another few waves, gave up and just curled up in a sitting position on the floor. Rae came in to show me something somewhat funny, saw me on the floor, and asked if I was okay. When I told him no, he offered to help me to the health office, which I took him up on, and the trip took us a bit longer than normal because we had to move slowly and I kept getting bad pain and falling again. Well, when we got there the health office attendant had already left, and my counselor and another female staff member came by and asked if I was okay, to which Rae answered that my stomach hurt. I don't quite remember what they said, but they did refer to me as a "her" and went to open the bathroom for me, but even though I felt like I was going to puke, I told them not to. I knew they'd open the girls room, and I couldn't deal with that. Rae and my counselor helped me out to the bench in the office, and I sat there wadded up into a ball until my mom came to get me, and was squeezing Rae's hand so hard I actually managed to cut off the circulation, it hurt that badly. When my mom came to get me, she and Rae had this exchange: "Hi, Mrs. [my last name]. He's not feeling that great." "I can see that." *helps me to my feet* "Thanks for staying with her." I intervened and pointed out the gender mistake that my mom made, but she didn't even correct herself, just went "oh! duh". I gave Rae a helpless look, and he shrugged apologetically and left. So I got home, only to be suddenly misgendered and called by my birth name out of nowhere, and texted Rae pleading with him to make it stop. He showed full support, but he and I talked a lot on Friday (I stayed home from school, he texted me during the breaks) and for a bit today. Long story short, Rae's still a wreck. And his low mood is dragging my mood down. I don't know what to do about Serena, or the misgendering. I don't know how to help Rae, and I don't have a person to turn to right now. (I asked my friend Mark what to do, and he went "I LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR FIVE MINUTES AND YOU GET INTO ANOTHER PROBLEM! My freshman year was not this dramatic. Look, I don't know what to do either, but the thing is, there is no way this is going to end normally, so either get into a poly relationship or just stay out of each other's pants." Yes, because that's really helpful advice, especially considering that I don't want to hurt Serena but I doubt she'd be up for a poly relationship of any sort.) Rae's behaving a bit as if this entire thing is my fault, which I already felt that it was, but I feel so bad for interfering, especially considering I'm not even happy with Serena. And stress from everything else is just piling and piling and piling and I don't know how much longer I can do this... My thoughts are getting darker, and it's getting scary. I'm only trying to help a friend, why is this so hard? Gdi, I just need this to stop.
  8. *casually kicks the thread back up because it's on page 3* Okay, so I'm still not done with the Tamaki drawing (I'm so sorry, Chico! There's a lot going on!), and because of all the stuff going on right now, I'm going to make requests closed for right now. My robotics team only just finished building our robot last Tuesday, and there's still a lot for us to do, and I'm moving on Thursday. So all art in general is kind of on hold right now. I promise though, when the Tamaki drawing is done it will be the first thing to go up. I'm not scrapping that just because requests are closed. @Hazel - Thanks for your critique. I didn't notice the proportional issue, oops! Oh well, live and learn I suppose.
  9. Like many other people have said, it depends on the ages of the people. Personally, I feel like someone who's more than 2 years under 20 should not be in a relationship with someone who's 20 or older. (And I say 2 years because of school - if a 16 year old and an 18 year old were dating when the older one graduated and they kept up a relationship, then I honestly think they should try to keep it up, because if you can do that I applaud you.) Otherwise, I'd say as long as it's not over 25 years apart, it's cool, but over 25 is just... weird. A teenager in a relationship with someone over 20 (and I mean a younger teenager, not someone who's 18 or 19 - think more like 15) is not good. The teenager could be easily manipulated, and things could just go so wrong.
  10. Rae and I have talked about this before, and he's made it clear he's straight and that he doesn't feel the same towards me. (He was nice about it, though.) He did say that he understands where I'm coming from - I'm not quite sure what that means, but I think he meant that he'd had an unreciprocated crush and that he'd been shut out by the girl for it and didn't want to do that to me. The last thing I want to do is make him a victim to himself. I don't want him to feel bad for something he can't control, the same way he doesn't (intentionally) make me feel bad about it. He understands the last thing I want to do is drive him off - he even can tell when I'm scared about it, he's that good at reading body language. And I'm pretty sure this made him feel bad already too, considering that he had to let me down nicely about it and we're friends. That would make him feel bad enough. He's already gone through enough, I don't want to drag him down. I'm trying here. I'm really trying. I did my best to avoid him today, and only approached him briefly outside of robotics when I double-checked to see if we were meeting today. (He was a little snippy, I think, so I didn't really talk to him too much today unless it was on his initiation or I missed something he was saying.) And I accept that it's not going further, it just hurts. I haven't made an obvious flirty joke since December, I think. And we've agreed that if he feels that I take something a bit too far, he's going to say something about it. I'm hoping he remembers... He doesn't have that great a memory. But generally, if it comes off as flirty it's not usually intentional (example, today, I pretended to hit him with a few feet of distance between us, and he said "you didn't make contact..." and I responded, "I can change that", and he gave me a skeptical look and asked how, and I slapped him on the arm to "clarify"...). With the second kiss, it wasn't really "I can't control myself," - it was more like my body went onto autopilot. I mean, I literally did not know what I was doing until I did it, and I felt really terrible about it, especially given how he reacted (he swiped it off and when I instantly apologized, he just sighed). Like I said, my only guess is that it just came from a bad emotional state, and for that same reason I just wasn't thinking straight, quite literally... Bad puns aside, I'm not even sure why that happened. (The first one I did have control over, but I kinda went "screw it, he may as well just know" since he hadn't really had it confirmed at that point... He forgave that one, but things were a little awkward.) It is kind of a "friendzone". I never understood why no one else can have it except for straight men, though. Back to the subject though, I really don't know what's up with Rae and the bullying thing. I've never heard him teased. Most people actually speak pretty highly of him! I'm guessing you might be right, but he's pretty honest, so I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt here... I mean, he did tell me directly that he didn't reciprocate the feelings, no beating around the bush. ("It's not reciprocated, is what I'm guessing, Rae?" "Yeah. Not reciprocated." "I'm sorry." "It's okay. I understand.") Bleh, I don't know. I'm just trying to leave Rae be for now. It just sucks.
  11. I need a hug. My best friend, who I'll refer to as Rae, and I have been close for awhile now. But there have been complications, to put it mildly - a better way of putting this would be that I, under the impression I was straight, befriended him a little too much, and my romantic orientation realized just how close Rae and I were, and how much I appreciated him being supportive of me being trans. Maybe some of you remember I posted in here one time, saying that I got outed in my club by Riley - Rae was the one who stuck up for me and defended me, and whenever Rae slips up on pronouns he corrects himself and apologizes (and he's only said my birth name to me once, when I asked him if he knew what it was). Anyway, my heart decided to make me get some really intense feelings for Rae, and while I'm not going to go into detail, there were a couple of kisses that I made, cheek kisses. (The second one I have literally no idea why I did, though. I had no plans on doing it, and my body moved as if I wasn't controlling it. I can only guess it was impulse that I wasn't able to control because of being "emotionally 'bleh'" as Rae would have put it.) That wouldn't be a problem if Rae wasn't straight. Well, and he would have to be interested, I get that part, but you know what I'm saying, Rae has no chance of being interested, and that in itself poses an issue. It's not so much that Rae is disgusted in regards to me feeling the way I do - as far as I'm aware, he's not, just a bit uncomfortable if I take a flirty joke a step too far. The major problem with him being straight and me being demi* is that Rae dealt with some really harsh bullying in the past, and while he's learned to tune it out, he's scared it will start again to the point where he has to see it, and he doesn't want to "add fuel to the fire" by me being around him and accidentally making it a bit too obvious - he doesn't want people to think he's gay, is what's the real issue here. We came way too close to someone spotting us the second time I slipped up, and he doesn't want people to think he's gay, because while there are people like him who are accepting of everything as long as you're not an a-hole about it, there are also people like Riley who tend to be extremely disrespectful, and the bullies who went after Rae. So we've kinda pulled apart, and it hurts. He used to let me hug him whenever, and he'd hug back. We talked about serious things a lot, because we were trying to understand each other. Now we rarely get the chance to seriously talk, and when we do we get cut off, sometimes midsentence, because someone's calling for him or me - and the talks mainly consist of me asking him things, which he does answer honestly, but it's f'ing irritating that it isn't how it used to be. He doesn't even hug me anymore. Last week I had a panic attack, and I called Rae out so he could stay with me during it, and while he did help me out, he was not comfortable, and when I came back to the club and hugged him, he just kinda made a really halfhearted attempt at lowering his head as if he was trying to hug me with his arms full, even though he had free hands. And today I asked him if I could hug him, and he said, "Maybe later, I don't want the others to see." I don't know. I'm just hurt that something I can't help managed to wreck something that meant so much to me, and that Rae's so worried about getting teased that he's pulling away. He's made it very clear that if I kiss him again, he's "not going to hesitate to turn my back on the friendship". And I'm just scared and hurt. Rae's the most supportive person I've had in a long time. I don't want this to fall apart, but it feels like everything I want to stay just turns out to disintegrate. I'm really trying my best here, but I'm scared that I'm going to lose control like I did last time and ruin everything. It's not fair... When can I manage to keep something for once, and have luck turn out my way? I just feel so selfish, but it hurts that Rae isn't interested, and that he's pulling back. I don't know. I'm sorry for spewing pointless stuff. I just wish things were better, and I'm scared and don't know what to do about Rae. *Demi = demisexual and demiromantic, in this case. It's partially on the asexual/aromantic spectrum, meaning that I don't feel romantic or sexual attraction to people unless I have a close bond with them. In this case, I'm kind of a "swings both ways" guy - I don't really seem to care about gender when it comes to friends I crush on...
  12. Sorry for late response, Chicogal! I'm on it! (Won't be very fast about it, sorry. Grounded atm...)
  13. Honestly, I agree with most of the people in this thread. If you participate in something, and don't win, maybe you get a ribbon or something. But if everyone wins the exact same thing, then it's extremely boring and reinforces the wrong message - that you can get the same thing everyone else does without even trying. I'm in the robotics club at school, and when we had the VEX tournament once, our robots faulted and broke and stopped working randomly, and as a result, we lost. We didn't win anything, but nobody was visibly disappointed. (Then again, we're all teenagers...) Age is a consideration, I think, but if people don't get the same thing - the kids who did a good job with their robots got trophies in the VEX tournament, while we didn't get anything - it's probably better than if everyone gets the exact same trophy or whatever. As for the parents, if they're disappointed or angry because their kid didn't get a trophy or whatever, then they honestly have to learn to deal with it themselves. They don't live through their kids. If their kid doesn't win, the parent has no need to step in and complain - get over it, I'd say.
  14. I'm going to input something here. Can we stop referring to people who have the ability to get pregnant as "women"? Not all of us are women. Some of us are trans guys, and some of us are nonbinary/genderqueer. And just referring to the cisgender women in the thread is a bit offputting, especially because there are aspects to DFAB trans/NB/GQ people that cis women may not experience, such as dysphoria. I know I sure as heck would not want to get pregnant just because of the dysphoria I would encounter. And I don't even get it that bad sometimes. For a person who experiences such awful dysphoria that they would quite literally not be able to get out of bed and go shower, I don't even think I'd want to know the measures they'd go to just to get rid of an unwanted pregnancy because they can't get an abortion and are even more dysphoric. @TheCompleteAnimorph: Like Infinis said, just because something is "manageable" doesn't mean it is manageable to everyone. A person who is very young mentally probably wouldn't be able to handle raising an autistic child, for example. And some people wouldn't want to raise anything but a neurotypical, abled, cisgender, straight child. Imo, those people shouldn't be parents (if you want a kid, love them unconditionally dammit) but there's nothing to stop them. Abortion is not something that people just play around with, either. If someone wants an abortion, let them have it - what seems like a bad reason to abort to you, could be a very good reason for someone else.
  15. Okay, I lied, this isn't a pencil sketch. But it's pretty colorless if you don't count the blue. (This girl isn't mine! She's pretty much a colorless lookalike of Kris from Pokemon Crystal.) also a gentle reminder that i'm still open to doing requests although i might not be very fast about it - it's frc season in robotics and i stay late at school now but i still do need things to do.
  16. Done! Sorry it took so long, Hazel, but I had some serious limits on my time that I could work on it... 2 hours of computer time a day, when I have other things to do too, is a serious cut into the amount of time I can work on things. >.< In other news, I may upload some pencil sketches soon. I've done a lot of pencil drawing again to sharpen my skills (pun intended, but it kinda falls flat considering I use mechanicals...).
  17. I'm going to kick the thread up because it's falling back. Hazel, I'm sorry it's taking so long for the drawing - I am dealing with a lot of mental crap right now, and I haven't had the energy. I'm trying my best here, I'll have it done as soon as I can.
  18. You could accidentally release the wrong dragon if you don't think to check. Let's say you have two dragons, both the same breed, and if the sprite is different depending on gender, they're also the same gender. If you don't remember to check lineages, or think you have the right one but you don't, you could quite possibly release the wrong dragon and thus have a need to "call" it back. As for my opinion on Call Back, I'm honestly not exactly sure it would be useful. I mean, maybe it would be useful to newer players who accidentally release a rare, not knowing what they're doing, but in that case, Call Back would probably be a BSA that would have to be implemented on a more common dragon if it was intended to also help the new players. But the players who've been on DC for long enough are well aware that releasing a dragon mean's it's gone, and for players who don't release their dragons, it would be kind of useless. So I personally wouldn't have a need for it... I'm a little iffy on supporting it, to be honest. For now, I'll say no.
  19. I'll give it a shot. Might take me awhile because of school and real-life conflicts, but I'll try it.
  20. Anyway, here's what's just going to be previews and the like. I'll most likely link to posts when I publish a request or a new picture. The art programs I use are either 1) pencil and paper, 2) Photoshop or 3) FireAlpaca. I mostly do my work in FireAlpaca these days, but I use Photoshop to edit my drawings if I don't have the right tool in FA. [This was my NaNoWriMo novel cover. I'm not exactly proud of it but I did it in a rush...] [small trigger warning for this one - there's usage of a minor swear and scars.] [This was something I did from pulling from a screenshot; it was a screencapture of the Daze music video from Poets of the Fall.] I think that's all I've got for right now. That's my scribbly stuff.
  21. I'm Alex, and I'm a fourteen year old with an interest in art and science. But I can't exactly incorporate science into something I can post on a forum, can I? Anyway, I've been drawing since I was pretty young, but around 2013 was when I felt my art was really starting to improve. Looking back, I think it's terrible, but hey, I was twelve when I drew most of it. Point being, I'm posting my art here now. Most of what I do is digital, but I may slip in a pencil drawing here or there. That's probably not going to happen much, because my scanner likes to make things kind of messy, but hey, you never know. I'm planning on doing animations at some point, and I probably will post them eventually, but lately I do not have the time to work on them. (They're planned for songs that range from 3-5 minutes long, so please be patient with me if I announce I'm going to do one!) I'm going to broach the topic of requests before I post my art; I'm really busy lately, because of high school, but I'm open to requests. I might not get to it right away, but I will eventually. If I have to turn you down for whatever reason (unlikely but I suspect it may happen) I'll let you know why. But generally, as long as it's not NSFW stuff or offensive, I'll do my best. Anyway, I'll post my art shenanigans in the next post, so bear with me here!
  22. Um, I'm a boy. I'm not a girl. Sorry, I just needed to correct that. Either way - I do think I've figured out why he began speaking to me in the first place. He has a serious god complex, he's admitted as such to me, and he has some weird wackoid plans to try and take over the world by transmitting a virus through people's brains. He also has two friends who he began speaking to when they were in eighth grade (I was in 8th when he began speaking to me, although I'm in 9th now) and as college students, they now plan to help him, as far as I'm aware. My guess is that he tried to get me in on it, and manipulate me into thinking that this was for the good of humanity, so that I would want to help him, and when it stopped working, he got angry and tried to control me so that I couldn't tell others what he was planning. (His manipulating with the virus thing worked for a bit, scarily enough, but I've directed my energy at school studies and robotics instead now. And I do not want to be in on his BS!) It was his initiation of the friendship, and he cut me off on the day of the chatlog I posted. We have not spoken since and I have absolutely no intention of doing so, unless what I plan to do about him absolutely requires it and there is literally no other option (which should not be the case, I see no situation where I have a need to speak with him again) - and even on the minuscule chance it was necessary, I'd be sure to have someone watching/listening over-the-shoulder so that if he threatened me again I have a witness. And my father did point out how weird it was for someone his age to willingly associate with a kid, hence leading me to my conclusion that I stated earlier. Either way, thank you for your response - I did need a little bit of a slap like that.
  23. I'm not intruding if I ask for some support here, am I? Several months ago, I began speaking with a person online who I'll call R, he's now twenty-five (keep in mind that I'm fourteen). He is the boyfriend of a friend of mine, and used to be my friend, but he got very vicious and I feel extremely threatened. He threatened to take my friend (his girlfriend) away from me, and to "expose" me by posting screenshots of me having breakdowns and yelling nasty things at him. And I'm not denying that I was a cruddy person, but those were breakdowns. It's incredibly hard for me to keep my cool and not say things that I don't mean during breakdowns, and I don't know anyone who can. I don't remember half the things I said during them, and I don't feel safe to post this but I need to set the record straight. We'd had some tiffs in October, to put it mildly. It came to the point where the day after I turned fourteen, he got angry at me for making a joke and deleted me from his friends list. Needless to say, that left me a mess, and I spent way too much time crying (he'd ended that conversation with "in that case, so long scoundrel, you have wasted enough of my time"). I pleaded with his girlfriend to tell me what happened and why he left, but she refused to "play gobetween" as she put it. I guess she got fed up with it, because in November she snapped and told him I wanted to "ask me a question" as R explained. On the 19th I found a request waiting from him on Steam, and we spoke, he explained why he left, I asked him if he would be willing to try again, and he said yes. I thought things would be cool, but nooooooope. My mood spiraled down right after I regained contact with him, and it became a concern to my father, who spoke with my therapist about it. I tried to bring it up to R that my father was suspicious of him being the cause of my mood falling, and it snowballed. I'll PM the chatlog to anyone who needs to see them, but I'm not going to risk posting it here. I'm almost positive he'll check my forum account and it's way too long to post into a quote. The synopsis: he got angry, manipulated me into thinking that it was my fault he was angry and that it was my fault that we were fighting, called me stupid and retarded, made it so I couldn't win no matter what I said (if I apologized he told me he didn't want my sympathy, if I said I was a bad person he said I was fishing for sympathy, and it was lose-lose either way) and basically said that he was the only person who had stuck around for so long, because "i guess [your father] just discounted that fact that most people would sent you an ASCII middle finger and left after like 3 weeks, but yeah thats cool. so much for mensa material". The day following, I realized I had forgotten to give his girlfriend something on DC, and his girlfriend doesn't have a stable internet connection, so I prodded him asking if he could pass on a message to her, and he got vicious. Considering that he left "hurting" his girlfriend as extremely vague context, I'm too scared to talk to her, especially because he's obviously manipulated her too - I left her some messages on Steam, pleading with her not to remove me, and the first message she left back was "R was not abusing you or manipulating you." (She's not deleting me off, though, thankfully.) I really don't know what to do, because R used to be majoring in criminal justice, I've seen proof of his skills, he knows what school I go to because I told him at one point when we were on good terms (hopefully he doesn't remember) and my father's phone number, and if he wanted to hurt me, he could. This isn't some stupid Brian situation, I feel threatened, I feel in danger. (In regards to the thing where I said that I spat at his girlfriend that my suicide would be her fault, I was angry at her and in a serious mental collapse. I take full responsibility, I know I shouldn't have said that.) I know what I'm going to do already, although I'm not going into detail because should R see this post or his girlfriend see it and tell him, it's not going to work. But I have screenshots of the conversations and of his threats, which is slightly more reassuring. I don't know. I just need a hug, and I want someone to tell me that R's not going to hurt me and that his girlfriend is going to be fine...
  24. I'm sorry, but I need to get this out, because today has been throwing so much terrible things at me that I cannot hold this in without hurting too much. Today started off somewhat okay, but I noticed that I was sort of dissociating a lot, and finding it harder and harder to focus. Eventually I tuned out the teachers, and around lunch, I went to sit alone, because I could not handle being around my friend's immature friends. I cannot tell you how many times I have said " off" to them. I guess I got depressed. I thought I needed to be alone but I think I just made it worse for myself. I refused to speak to people and during my last class when someone was telling us about a college that we would be able to look into, I started quietly crying because I felt I wasn't going to have a future so there was no point to this, and completely lost focus and didn't listen to the stuff about the college. Plus it sucked up our time for an assignment I was unable to work on the day before, so I didn't get anything accomplished in school. Then my after-school club started, and for background info here: the club consists entirely of boys, and I think they caught on that I was trans, but they were nice enough not to say anything. But then this jack*** Riley joined the club recently, and he knew me in 8th grade when I was still having to identify as female. He kept making this really irritating noise that I could not stand and he would NOT stop even after I hit him with a hammer to make him stop, and after that, long story short, he outed me. In front of literally everyone in the club. He had been harassing me about it and was refusing to back off and he kept calling me a girl and refusing to stop making the noise that was bothering me, and I told him so loudly to off and started crying and ran away because I was so angry for him outing me. I'm now scared to go to school tomorrow because it's going to be everywhere, and my school is kind of transphobic. I really cannot deal with my classmates, and my parents are unsupportive - my dad refused to acknowledge that I am a boy when I told him what happened with Riley - and I'm scared to go back to the club now. I got home and I thought I would finally have some peace of mind there, but nope; I get a text from a friend, I'll call her Julia, who asks if I still have a crush on Maddie (my 8th grade best friend). I tell her no, but Julia then asks if I mind if she dates Maddie, because Maddie thinks she's bisexual and they want to date, and I told her to go for it but I was crying so hard and in such a rage because I crushed on Maddie at one point, we were almost in a relationship, but it didn't work out because she wasn't interested, and I cannot deal with my friends doing this, because I do not feel okay with my friends being happy when all I'm getting is a flood of crap, over and over and over, not having anyone being interested in a relationship with me - I thought i had given up at this point on relationships but I guess i stil care, i'm crying so hard right now so my typos will increadse. Okay, I've calmed down a bit. I'm just going to stop here. I'm not even in a spot to be talking to people right now. I'm just going to disappear into my little world, the one of nothingness. Because I hate everything so much right now that I cannot even express how upset and angry I am, just the fact that I needed to get this out.
  25. Had to go into the girl's room at school today (embarrassingly enough; it's impossible for me to pass as a boy, so I have to use the girl's room) and I noticed a scribble on the wall when I entered the stall. I took a closer look, and it said, "You're not alone. Stay strong." As someone who's been struggling with some very dark thoughts as of late, that was a bit of a lift. Also saw a girl wearing a bracelet that said "You matter" on it. I think everything is trying to make me feel better, but it's not quite working.