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Konayuki of the Spirits

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Everything posted by Konayuki of the Spirits

  1. =_= =_____= =__________________= If it were obvious, we wouldn't be asking so many questions. For example, there was no indication that time would be slower in the painting or that the window was "new" because in human years, it was probably painted a long time ago so the animals could have had time to adjust and learn more about it, especially now that we know time slows down. But it's not in your post. How is the roleplayer supposed to know your world if you don't give them the basic information? There could be less confusion if you put in a little more work as writers are supposed to. Readers can’t figure out everything from a few simple sentences. Also, everything should not “already be known”. You are the person who wrote this, so yes, you do know everything about the roleplay, but the readers don't. Look at it from our perspective. Read it a few times yourself and see if you have answered any of our questions based on the current information in your post. And judging from the information presented, you still have not answered where the window is in the painting world, or how big it is. Not to mention all this stuff : and this (because it's important to have your society working): is not in your first post either. And then this: and this and this are ideas that are clashing. The timeline makes little sense, unless the humans in the painting were unnaturally disposed of (which should also go in your first post so that we have a general idea of what the majority of the public think about humans). You want this roleplay to be successful, and we're trying to help you, but you claim that the answers are obvious and probably not important to put in your first post for the sake of ambiguity. It doesn't work like that. Roleplayers need a base to start on, and your answers to our questions are pretty much that base.
  2. Still a few more things. You haven't answered how big this "window" is. Where is it located in the painting/forest? Just because it's based in a forest does not mean that the roleplayers will stay in the forest, since they'll be going off their imagination. So yes, a depiction would be great, but a little more detail about what surrounds the forest is welcome. And maybe even some other lands with strange things we haven't heard of, because there's things like extinct animals and dragons. You might also want to add how small the powers of the creatures can be (because mythical creatures and stuff), or give examples of some. Because you're substituting parenthesis with commas, you should replace "and" before "extinct animals" with "as well as". It would flow better, imo. Ex: "Even mythical creatures, such as dragons and firebirds, as well as extinct animals, such as dodo birds and carrier pigeons, are depicted." This kind of reminds me of Alice in Wonderland, but it's probably not the same thing lol. You'll probably want to drag these ideas out more, because it should be something important right? It's pretty much the borderline between the destruction and the protection. How long ago was this rumor? What did the rabbit see? What is his stance on the window? Why is he considered mad (aside from the fact that he claims to have jumped between worlds, mayhaps something messed with his head on the other side, or he's just old and senile)? Also, what's the time like in the painting? Does it slow down, do things age slower, or is it just normal aside from the fact it's a painting? Okay, here's the thing: you never mentioned that the window was new in your post. It sounded as if it existed since it's been painted. If it suddenly appeared one day, that should go in your post. And I guess I may be pushing it, but how intelligent are the animals? Are there societies, are there leaders? Who's leading the factions? Do the animals still have the natural instinct to avoid likely predators, or do they all work together? That's all for now.
  3. Hi. ^^' Noticed a few things, so I'll try to smooth 'em out for you. Some things may have already been pointed out, and if so, I'm sorry. The comma isn't needed and actually makes it awkward to read. I get that you're trying to go for style, though, so maybe you could squeeze an "and" after the comma so it'd be smoother? Ex: "People have painted many picture, and of many different things." This whole bit is very vague. For example, when was this picture created? I also think that there should be a comma after "lively". Also, where is this picture? How big is it (since it's described to have many creatures, mythical or not, extinct or living)? Who was the creator, or is he some nobody who died penniless? I think it's especially important to know the when and where the painting is, because the next paragraph observes that it has moved. So who saw it move? Or is it some urban legend or something? Colon doesn't really fit here. When joining two related ideas, it's best to use a semicolon if a comma doesn't serve. ;3 It'd sound better with a comma after "outside the forest scene", but eh... I'll leave that to the approvers. You should have an "and" before "grasslands". Not "any", but perhaps "every"? What kind of creatures? Are they the ones who have disappeared and move from time to time? Are they different, are they regular woodland creatures? Or are they dragons and shadowbeasts and things like the Bogey Man? You'll need to elaborate on this. How do they know they're in a painting, first off? If this is a window, then what do they see? How does that influence their decision to protect or destroy it? Furthermore, why do the evil ones want to destroy it in the first place, without knowing the consequences? Also, you can't just leave the reason to destroy the window as some sort of cliffhanger. Roleplayers would rather know the full backstory than jump in blind. You can always put something in like "oh but they don't really like to tell anyone", or if it's supposed to be mysterious, you could give some examples. You might want to describe the lands in more detail. Not just in the painting, but also in the real world, too. As much as you want the story focused on the painting, you did say we could play outside beings as well, so you'll have to explain what our views and whatnot are like. That's all :3
  4. -sputters- Forgot I went through a Final Fantasy phase |D
  5. I'm in the midst of The Prince and the Pauper by Mark Twain, and I'm trying to get my hands on A Tale of Two Cities ad Jane Eyre
  6. As of now, I'm obsessed with notebooks, pens, pencils, ink, and dipping pens. And Avatar and Legend of Korra And Counterstrike.
  7. Hey! I'm back ;D This seems a lot better and improved. I'm glad you edited out all those mistakes ^^' Forgot to catch this one capitalization mistake. ;D In the case of dialogue followed by a 'he/she said', the pronoun isn't capitalized. :> Is there a certain back story as to what happened to such a large Tribe? Any remains of the Clans' friends, or a hint as to why they are gone? In short, what happened to them? So I failed to realize 'hight' is an actual word. It means "to name, call". I doubt that's what you mean in this case. Self-explanatory :> I'm just pointing out the capitalization errors you missed ^^' Moving on to your lists. |D A problem right off the bat is punctuation. ;D Gotta add them periods. Also, I believe you are trying to spell 'suspended'? For black list, I think you should replace that with 'expelled' though. Moving on to the Territories... I think you're missing an 'a' here. :0 Comma should be a period. :3 Comma isn't needed there and should be replaced with 'is'. It'd flow better and wouldn't sound as odd. Also, I know you mentioned prey below, but it'd be helpful if there were a few examples of what some of the Clans eat, like ThunderClan and WindClan. I'm sure RiverClan doesn't live on fish alone, either. ^^' Going on to the ranks now. These should be two separate sentences, ending and starting at 'if'. That comma should be moved to after 'happens'. Forgot a period. The problem with that quote is that the period should be outside the quotations, as it's not dialogue but referencing to something. The colored sounds very weird. Um, I'm not sure how to revise it, so I'll leave it up to you to reword or rephrase this. A hint is to read it aloud and look at it technically as well as a reader to see if it'll work. 'Usually' should be moved to the beginning of the sentence. ;D This sentence should be connected to the first, as it sounds incomplete. If you'd like to keep this, though, you can replace 'though' with 'although' and add a comma after it. And that's it from me I'm sure I missed some things, but someone else can point them out. It's starting to shape up very well and the information added from the questions are fleshing your story out little by little.
  8. /pops in here ohai In a bit of a critiquing mood, so I hope you don't mind me pointing things out ^^' Over here, you capitalized 'Clans' before, but you didn't here, so if they're supposed to be capitalized (which they are, btw ;D) you should stick with that throughout the whole thing. :3 That can be reworded into a better phrase, such as maybe putting 'lost' before 'long ago', or something. ^^' I believe you're missing an apostrophe there? ;D The last part, which is in bold, is grammatically incorrect. As the dialogue has nothing to do with 'he/she said/meowed/roared/growled/etc.', there should be a comma before 'He leaped'. And the last dialogue should be a new sentence, so a period is needed instead of a comma. Make sense? Sorry, it's 1:35 AM, so I might either be confusing or have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about right now. Now, time for questions. ^^' Which book series is this set after? Where have they been living this whole time? How long ago is it? Why must they return to the forest, knowing the risks and deaths that might be involved? Surely, moving to a new place would be better, right? Since Starclan is mentioned, is there a prophecy that they sent to their descendents? Most of the time Starclan does that when they say anything at all, lol. Why are they leaving now instead of waiting longer, maybe to collect more resources for the medicine cat, or wait until the kits are older to travel, if there are any? Moving on... As mentioned above, remember to stick with what you capitalize and what you don't. Same thing with the word 'forest', since I'm seeing letters that don't agree with each other Comma isn't necessary there. 'Twolegs' has the same problem as 'forest' and 'clans'. Do you see a spelling error? :3 I suggest running through spellcheck or pasting this in MS Word. Helps a ton, and you might even add in a lot more things Also the phrase 'do not usually' sounds a bit weird. Maybe switching 'do not' and 'usually' around would sound a bit better. Some more questions to pimp up your Plot: Where have they traveled from and through? What sort of hardships did they overcome? Any significant changes to the Clans? Why must they go their separate ways? What are the threats that may cause them to die out? Skipping Rules and the map... Onto your location descriptions~ Depending on when this is set, have there been any significant changes since the twolegs invaded? If so, where? It'd be pretty darn weird to be driven out if their homes weren't altered a bit, right? Are there any forbidden places? You might also want to explain about rogues, loners, and the like. Some may get mixed up and stuff. And Dark Forest isn't something we get to hear a lot about, so explaining that too could be useful. You also spelled 'Ceremonies' wrong. ^^' Don't forget to post the Warrior's Code. |D /reminding. And that is all for today ;D Have fun. x3
  9. Oh, i remember something like this. Sign me up!
  10. You know you played too much Counterstrike when you walk around in real life and expect a Counter-Terrorist to pop out at you, at which you raise your arms up protectively as if holding a gun. Truestory.
  11. Pft I'll say that I started obsessing over wolves from anime. I'll say this right off the bat. But not anymore. Wolfaboos did kinda ruin it for me though. I'm quite tired of seeing so many people playing as wolves, or talking about wolves or saying their "spirit animal" are wolves. On the other hand, I do like how wolves seem so floofy and fierce.
  12. I can't seem to choose between some options I love pranksters and ones with bleak views on life. Stoic/emotionless ones are also very attractive sometimes. ;_; I like depressed characters, I guess. I also have a thing for those arrogant ones, even though they get on my nerves sometimes. I haven't yet come across a philosopher character, but I might like him/her.
  13. PFFFFFT. I totally forgot I could scavenge for freebies on the forums |D Anyone else glad there's a creature generator? |D
  14. Ohmygoodness. I can't wait for season 2 now. ;_; Is there an idea of when they'll release the pilot episode?
  15. Oh, journals/diaries. I have to finish my first one, still. It's just I don't have a habit of writing in it. I'm not sure what kind of things I write in it, like top secret or anything. I think I just write down things that seem like an important point, or a milestone in my life or something.
  16. I've recently began watching Natsume's Book of Friends (or Natsume Yuujinchou) after reading the manga for a while. I'm in love with it. @_@
  17. Where do you guys find those erebus? djfkhdjhfgkdf And I'm missing those giveaways Gotta be faster. ;D
  18. I would love to learn archery and get into it as a hobby I don't think there's a lot of places to have anything to do with archery where I live, so it'll be tough if I ever start learning.
  19. Greenglassesgal is a gal with green glasses. |DDDDDD
  20. I had a book on Aesop's Fables. Dunno where it is now I don't have particular favorites, but I honestly really enjoyed them.
  21. I don't think butter would help... Especially since cats are slightly lactose intolerant. Don't use anything with butter or oils, since they'll bring digestive problems. Found this site, might be helpful: http://www.drsfostersmith.com/pic/article.cfm?aid=407
  22. Hm... Well, there are covers for litterboxes, but I'm not sure how those work, since I've never really... seen one. O_e'