If you need someone to talk to feel free to open up with me, I'd be glad to listen to you and see if I can help, but if you've been feeling this way for quite some time about being haunted with demons that won't go away and crying yourself to sleep every night I strongly suggest you to ask for help from at least a psychotherapist first. Focus on your mental health and take what you feel and what bothers you seriously, things like depression don't go away on their own and they are nothing to be ashamed of. If people who suffer from things like the common cold, cancer, illnesses or injuries of any kind are allowed and encouraged to get professional help you should also not hesitate to do that if you feel that your mental health is in jeopardy. Feel free to talk to me or anyone else who offers you help in this thread to get some things off your chest, but I strongly suggest and encourage you to seek professional medical help as soon as possible. Use every chance you can get to get better because you deserve it, overcoming the way you feel is possible. It's not easy, but it is possible and you should focus on your mental health with all you've got. You deserve to feel better and to get better.
I stopped communicating with someone I considered by friend earlier today. She told me that she was bothered by some things I was saying and treated me as if I was trying to make something off her most recent addition to the Anastasia Beverly Hills PR list as she got ton of make up, as if I was implicitly trying to convince her to gift me something of the hundreds of products she'd received. I did tell her that if she got something in excess, a small product that didn't suit her and didn't think of anyone among her family and other friends who she'd pass it on to that I wouldn't mind, but she talked to me as if I was trying to convince her to give me something for free when all I did was joke about the people who did openly and directly ask her whether she would sell or gift them some products that she didn't use. She even accused me of using those jokes to cover up what I really wanted from her, but the truth is that I was one of those people who supported her the most when she started working on getting that PR list in the first place, and that I know so much better than begging for freebies when I'm perfectly capable of buying whatever I want myself and not depend on anybody. I tried to apologize if I did say something wrong and if I had offended her because I was truly sorry about the fact that she felt bad because of me, and told her that if there was something about me that bothered her that she should have told me sooner because I can't read between the lines in instagram's DMs or read anyone's mind, and that I was willing to talk things out, but it all ended with her telling me that "she can't function with me and that she doesn't want anything else to do with me" so I stepped aside and decided not to speak to her ever again. I felt bad initially because it was unpleasant and I didn't really expect that, but in the end I'm sort of glad that it came to this because if I'm willing to work on a friendship and care enough to do my best, and the other person doesn't care at all and just cuts people off then I'm better off without them. I don't have many friends, but those that I do have are actually worth the effort and would never give up on me just like that or instantly portraying me as the bad person without trying to work things out and seeing where the problem really is. Now that I think of this former "friend" of mine, it looks to me that she just doesn't like to bother being friends with anyone and that she has the friends that she has because they try harder than she does (she often told me about her other friends in the worst possible context and always had something bad to say about anyone), and that she's just trying to find and make excuses to cut people off instead of actually working on friendships, and that's fine by me. I'll stick to my friends who actually make me feel like I'm worth it and who are also worth it, and I will never again care for other people's feelings more than for my own and put myself below other people's needs. Never in a million years.