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Posts posted by Alegra

  1. I'm okay, really. I can cope but just wanted a place to vent... and this place is really old to me. Sometimes you need a connection with your old self, even if it's something seemingly silly like an internet forum.

    Disclaimer: Mention and details of pet death


    In April, my dog died. At 2am on a monday morning I signed a piece of paper to agree to his euthanasia. All I had ever wanted was this dog. At eleven years old I paid one hundred dollars for this dorky, yellow, insane bundle of labrador puppy. What is a labrador to a lonely, weird, lost eleven year old living in a daily routine of chaos? Salvation. A family, a best friend, warmth in a house with holes in the walls and floor with no heating. I was not parted for more than 24 hours from this dog for years. I didn't have a genuine human friend until mid high school. The only joy in my life was spending hours out of the house in the bush with this dog, and the depth of night quietly curled up with him on a tiny single bed after all the sources of screaming had passed out.


    You always know they will die, but a decade is an impossible eternity to a teenager. Well, there goes that eternity. I was trying to piece my life together last year, I was holding a job for the first time in my life. I was saving so I could afford a place we would be secure in, and so I would have an emergency fund to take care of us. Funny that.


    You were only ten, Boof. I told you I wanted a good healthy sixteen years out of you. Only ten. I can't type out the details, but it was cancer, hemangiosarcoma. He lived through an initial ruptured spleen, splenectomy, a miraculous emergency surgery involving two blood transfusions. The vets were surprised I had agreed to pay that much money for such small odds. They told me to go home that day but I was actually waiting in my car in the shopping complex across the road. I'm not religious but I was pleading with something.


    So he was with me for another eight months. I think I did a lot of the grieving then, but when you were doing well I fell into some false hope too. I was driving him six hours across the state every third week to the oncologist for scans and chemo. And what a lovely blessing veterinary oncologists are. But it was hard, it was really hard when I wasn't doing well anyway and had to work so much.


    I was ridiculed, by people who don't understand the point of veterinary oncology (they do not use chemo in the same was as human doctors), and who didn't understand the value of those eight months. I worked near full time hours in a job I really couldn't cope with for months to give him everything I could, and then I quit to spend every moment I could with him. I hate when people now ask me if I regret it like I surely must do. I'd sell you to satan for one day with him thanks.


    My whole life was keeping him alive and keeping him comfortable and watching him. You worry about like, how will I know when it's time? Maybe they are right that what I'm doing is stupid and somehow unfair to him? But you know, and you don't feel the same anymore. That night, he was restless, and when he looked at me I just knew. It was like my purpose switched from watching him to make sure he was fine, to this critical need to make sure he could pass away peacefully, before the pain was too much.


    So he's gone. I was lying on the clinic floor with him for a long time, and when the vet administered the final syringe I held his head level with mine as it began to fall lifeless to gravity.


    He was also the last remaining... anything of my life beyond the past couple years. I am no contact with my mother(2+years), and as a result the rest of my family cut me off, which causes a lot of pain...

    I callously pushed away my former best friend when I was very destructive(2+years ago).

    Though it is a wonderful thing, I have now recovered completely from an eating disorder and personality disorder which defined my life for a decade.

    My identity now is stripped of all these things... and now the love of my life too.


    I do have some amazing friends now, and a partner who I love dearly. Their families are wonderful and kind and very welcoming. But they are not my family. At least, they will not be for a long time. My whole childhood was dense in trauma and pain and just everything else defining about your formative years. How do you just pick up now and go, Well, hunky dory, I'm completely fine and happy with these new people and routines ? How and when does it begin to feel like you, and like your life?


    Because it doesn't. Because I'm glad for these friends, my health, my partner... but I'd rather have Boof. I'd rather have my lost friend. I don't know how to heal with that, I know it's not an either or, but I'm just this sort of person. I don't know how to add to my life when my foundations are missing.


  2. Hey there. What are you in the hospital for? What's going on with life these days?

    Hey, thanks for asking, I appreciate it. It's mostly my own fault, mental illness stuff. Lost the casual job I was barely getting too, dropped out from school, family don't want me home, lost all my pet birds in the span of a week, untreated mental illness I can't afford, physical health deteriorating, all this fun stuff.


    Hope you're well x

  3. I can't keep doing this. A day in emergency, five days in hospital, now ninth day in inpatient. over and over and over. Soon I really will have nothing left to lose, maybe I'm really just not compatible with this life.

    /depresso expresso

  4. mentions of substance and child abuse


    Background: I was a child with mild to moderate RAD (reactive attachment disorder), now have BPD, generally struggle with life still.


    I've been attempting to speak with my mother, which is an incredible ordeal in many ways, but the main problem is it's becoming clear to me that her denials go beyond mere shame, and she actually might not remember the heights of her abuse and the things she did at all. She did use and drink heavily but, it just didn't seem feasible she could be so completely naive. It's been suggested to me many times by professionals that she may have been so effected she could very well not remember it, but it just didn't seem possible to me.


    The fact the the darkest, most horrible times of my life probably don't even exist in the consciousness of the perpetrator and are just lone, hazy memories in my own mind between me and a monster is just making me feel more alone and .. detached, unreal, than ever before.


    take care everyone

  5. I am a hard core Starscream collector -  Plus anything Decepticon (insignia wise)


    Currently I have over 200 Starscream figures and other associated merchandise.  This includes, animation cell from beastmachines II. Comic pencils or inks - originals from IDW. Artwork from Matt Moylan. A few rare or limited edition figures. My favourite (Holy grail) being Ghost of Starscream -  gifted to me by Purpledragonclaw (I will never stop thanking her for that)


    Sorry for the blurry... I will try to get a better pic sometime soon.

    user posted image

    Only one shelf is not Starscream.  (the middle pic with the yellow guys on the end.)


    I also have a skull-ornament collection. Mortar and Pestles

    This is so aesthetically pleasing and wonderful



    I haven't been collecting much due to money, but I also like collecting animal skulls and taxidermy. It's a very small collection as I only recently decided to go with it, my close friend collects skulls and has a couple hundred and sort of got me into it. She's currently waiting on the CITES permit for a polar bear skull and we're pretty excited.


    My longest running collection is G3 My Little Pony, which I collect in box now. I also love dolls, I collect mostly Monster/Ever After High but if I had the resources I'd be collecting antique bisques. I've also got some Schleichs and Sylvanian Families. I'd love to collect Peter Stone horses.



  6. They are completely different species so it's not really a "better" thing for me. Dogs I think are just, well, mans best friend, and nothing really compares in general. Cats are fun and cute though, and affectionate enough, but I'm not going to expect a cat to be a dog. Personally I wouldn't adopt one as I keep birds and hope to have some sort of parrot rescue sanctuary thing one day.


    I grew up with labradors, and have one myself now. I love big, intelligent dogs who just connect with you and become your best friend. Plus they keep you warm in winter ^.^

  7. Hey guys, I wrote this description


    After being orphaned by an earthquake little Ayla was rescued from the brink of death by a clan of brimstone dragons, who normally avoid others but thanks to a persistent kind hearted female Ayla was accepted. She never really grew accustom to brimstone culture and after a catastrophe was banished. A few winters passed before she finally met Jondalar in her travels. He was as pretty and able as her, and rescued her from her sadness and loneliness, teaching her about life's pleasures and bringing her to his clan. There, she could finally live with her own kind and be happy.


    (bascially a reference to Jean Auels mary-sue)


    I got a reject with "this description has quite a few grammatical errors" but I can't figure out whats wrong with it, unsure.gif

  8. Until I read the description I was like, yes! I love Gregorian chants!.... oh.


    From this time period off the top of my head,

    I love Nina Simone!! Also Aretha Franklin, and Simon and Garfunkel. smile.gif

  9. Lady GaGa. I actually really like her music, it's just that she's just such an awful person that I feel guilty. And it's not even about all of the ridiculous outfits and stuff. It's her racism and cultural appropriation.

    Same. Her music from a couple years ago is a guilty pleasure for when I want to feel nostalgic.


    plus the barbie slumber party cd's from the early 2000's ;D


    Nothing wrong with a bit of simple 4-chord music. But seriously its sad a lot of the pop chart stuff is made just to sell it's so boring and corny. Like it doesn't have to be have you ever listened to Mozart the man just uses I IV and V for pete's sake xd.png I don't really like a lot of the current contemporary singing trends (lorde! what is going on there??) especially the really corny ones.


    Blue jeans by Lana del Rey is a shame song for me for some reason, I usually hate the way she sings now.


    my friend likes little mix and they have really great voices but it's not something you'll ever catch me listening to tongue.gif