I'm gonna... use this thread to talk for a moment? CW for death
I know it's already stated at the top of the thread that you aren't supposed to make fun of people for stuff here but like... I'm gonna outright say it here: this is about the death of an astronaut who I didn't know, and if you have any interest in making fun of me for being upset about it, I strongly suggest you can it until you've flown a Gemini, Apollo and Shuttle mission yourself.
Around the beginning of this year, the astronaut John Young died. I won't lie and tell you guys about how much I looked up to him before, because honestly, I only really knew of him as the commander of the first Space Shuttle flight. That said, it's not like he was no one to me. Columbia is one of my favorite space shuttles, being the true star of the fleet imo, the first spacebound shuttle. And like... Something about the fact that neither Columbia nor her first commander are with us anymore was really saddening to me, you know?
And making it worse is that, well, no one really cares. My spaceflight nerd friends cared, but even then, only a few of them had even heard of John. I work at a science museum, and a lot of my coworkers barely batted an eye at it. About a week after he died, our astronomy team took a hike in the hills of my museum to go stargazing. Well, I'm the kind of person who thinks clearly after some exercise... maybe a little too clearly. We talked about John a little on a hike, and his accomplishments... but it was honestly a little too soon, though I didn't want to admit it. When we got back to the (closed) museum, I ended up crying on a couch upstairs. One of my friends tried to comfort me, but all he could really manage was saying, "All of my problems are just so miniscule, you know?" (In response to him being upset about a particularly mean ex.) It... It didn't really make me feel any better, you know?
Well, January passed, ending as usual with the anniversaries of the Apollo 1 and Challenger tragedies. February passed, alongside the Columbia disaster anniversary. It's March now, and I'm still just... still really sad about the whole thing.
I've always been slow to process death. I approach my feelings mathematically, in a sense; I prefer to separate myself from them and analyze them, working out the kinks and bends logically until a clear, coherent version of the issue remains, which I can handle accordingly. But mourning, as I'm sure you can imagine, is different. I can't give a logical reason for why I'm so affected by John's death. I can't even separate myself from it; it's still in the back of my head that he's not with us anymore.
The other issue is that, much as I try to avoid it, I've developed a really small crush on him. It's the kind that's really shallow, and it honestly sickens me a little. I mean... he is pretty. It's not worth denying. But it just... It leaves a bad taste in my mouth to have developed feelings for him right now. It feels like it's my brain's way of avoiding that he's not here anymore. And I mean, it's a nice change? But it ends up making me feel guilty about it, which is just another negative feeling.
Sorry, that was a completely incoherent mess. If you read this far, thanks for listening to me. I'm going to stop typing this before it gets even longer